Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind

Up in here, up in here

Y’all gon’ make me go all out

Up in here, up in here

Y’all gon’ make me act a FOOL

Up in here, up in here

Y’all gon’ make me lose my cool

Up in here, up in here

Now that I’ve got my “homeschooling” mantra stuck in your heads, let’s delve into the topic at hand for this installment of #WhatWorksWednesday. Because for most of us across the country, this pandemic required task of not only keeping our children alive, fed, bathed and entertained 24/7 now also includes educating them as well. For any mama, that is a tall order. But, for us mama’s whose children have learning difficulties, come from a background of trauma and/or face both of these factors, this whole stay-at-home thing just got even more overwhelming.

I feel like I should offer a disclaimer. As someone who actually did homeschool in the past, THIS IS NOT HOMESCHOOLING! Homeschooling actually involves co-ops and extra curricular activities and the ability to go on field trips and learn OUTSIDE of the home. I have many friends who have homeschooled for years and they will join me in reassuring you, this is not what homeschooling looks like. This is pandemic schooling and it is challenging, even for veteran homeschoolers.

I hope that allows you to take some pressure off of yourself. Even families that have been homeschooling for years are having to adjust their tactics and techniques to accommodate the changes required in all of our homes and schedules during this unprecedented time.

So, now we need to focus on how to make this work for our families. Different kids, different schools, different needs, different expectations. It is enough to make a mama want to scream. Add in the extra tension of those of us trying to work from home at the same time and cue all the frustrated tears (I know I’m not the only one that has shed one or two here lately).

But, take heart mamas. There are things we can do and put into place that can make this work. Here are just a few of my thoughts:

• Remember your priorities. Learning is important. I would never discount that but it is NOT the most important thing in our homes right now. Your mental health, your child’s mental health and the overall emotional temperature of your family is more important than a book report or whether or not your child masters their multiplication tables. This means that there will be times that school work needs to be put aside for a few minutes, an hour or maybe all day to help you re-regulate the emotional climate of the house and that is okay!
• Relax your expectations. This does not have to be, nor should it be school at home. If Steven works best in his underwear, cross legged on the floor go with it. Sitting at the kitchen table in front of a computer screen for hours at a time is not a realistic expectation of a child. Heck, I’m struggling with it as an adult working from home. My teen wanted to listen to music on her headphones while taking a history test. While I didn’t think that was going to help her focus, we struck a deal that if she did well that way, it could continue but if her grade was not her best then we would re-evaluate the music. She got a 90% on the test! Headphones it is. We get to decide what school looks like in our home and we need to make it look like what works for our family and our kids.
• Reserve time for fun! Our kids don’t just learn from textbooks and tests. They learn from hands on experiences and freedom to be creative too. Let them bake, cook, paint, build! Let them do all the things that interest them and choose to view those activities as educational too (because they are).
• Give room for feelings! As hard as this is on us mama’s, it is not easy for our kids either. They miss their friends, they miss their teachers, they miss their routine too. It is not easy for a child to make sense of this time because their concept of time is not as developed as an adult. I know that when the CDC extended the stay at home recommendations to April 30th, I was sad. And, I understand how long it is until April 30th. Our kids, especially in elementary school, don’t have a complete grasp on how long 30 days is. It literally feels like forever to them. We need to give our kids permission to say “this stinks”. Some days will be better than others and some days will be more productive than others. Allow them, and you, to feel what you feel in the moment, validate and offer support for those feelings and then purpose to move past those feelings and get back to the tasks at hand.
• Remind yourself to stay connected to your child. There is nothing that can frustrate a mama faster than an uncooperative child. Attitude, helplessness, defiance and more undesired behaviors can make us quick to become frustrated. Younger children can become jealous of the attention an older child is getting during “school” time and can begin to act out. There are all kinds of dynamics at play that can make us feel like we are swimming upstream. But, when we choose to stay focused on our connection with our child, rather than what we accomplish today, the tone of our home will remain more positive and calm. Choose to pick your battles. Choose to give your child grace. Choose to provide the opportunity for a re-do over imposing a consequence. Choose to connect.
• Find your rhythm. Your family’s rhythm is going to look different than my family’s rhythm and that’s okay. It’s actually good. All of our families are knit together differently and we have to find the routine that works for our individual situation. For instance, we have horrible internet service. So my daughter can’t be online doing her school work during the time the school has requested because it would kick me off the video sessions I’m having with clients during the day. So, instead of freaking out or becoming resentful of the schools “demands”, I reached out to the teacher, explained our situation and she has been so understanding and is making herself available to my daughter for a few hours in the late afternoon/early evening when I’m finished with work for the day. Don’t assume that the school’s requests can’t be negotiated based on your family’s needs and situation. If your child does better with frequent breaks, than take frequent breaks! If your child does better plowing through and knocking out all their assignments in three hours and playing the rest of the day, go with that. Be mindful that different kids in the same house may accomplish their tasks best in different ways and that’s okay too!Don’t frustrate yourself and your child trying to force everyone to perform in the same way at the same time. Build flexibility into your families rhythm.
• Reach out! Staying connected to your tribe. Your support system is really important right now. Phone a friend! They may be able to talk you down or suggest something you hadn’t thought of. Right now, we can feel like islands, adrift and alone at sea if we aren’t intentional about connecting with others. I’m maintaining my sanity right now through group video chats and prayer sessions with friends. And, don’t forget, I’m offering complimentary 30 min coaching sessions during this pandemic. Email me at kmelissasmallwood@gmail.com to schedule your free session.

In closing, I want to offer you reassurance that there isn’t really a way to do this wrong. It’s new, uncharted territory for all of us. As long as your desire and intention is to maintain connection, seek balance and find the rhythm that works for your family, you will get through this. And, chances are, your family will emerge stronger and more resilient than ever because of this challenging time.

When major events like a natural disaster, a school shooting or the Coronavirus pandemic that dominates the current news cycle happen, our kids that already struggle with anxiety can begin to feel overwhelmed with fear.

As parents, our primary job in situations like this is to educate ourselves, reassure our children and take preventative measures to protect their physical and mental health.

I asked author and pediatrician, Dr. Peter Jung, what parents need to know about COVID-19 and here is what he had to say:

Thus far no children under 10 years of age have died from COVID-19 to date and, for unclear reasons, few children are developing severe symptoms. Children are still at similar risk as the rest of the population in terms of becoming infected; so it is imperative to consider them as vectors of the virus, especially since they are less symptomatic and thus more ambulatory, and less prone to prudent hygiene habits.

You can find more information from Dr Jung at his website.

Armed with that information, how can we help our anxious kids during this time?

• Relax. While it is important to be informed and vigilant, stress actually compromises the immune system (source). Our kids take their emotional cues from us. If we are calm and collected about the situation, they will find their peace in us and our response. Model using relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, yoga stretches and other mindfulness exercises. It will help both of you regulate in this stressful time.
• Reassure. Provide your child with reassurance that they are safe, that you are monitoring the situation as the adult and that grown-ups have things under control. Remember that when dealing with children from hard places, they aren’t used to being able to depend on the adults in their lives for comfort and for survival. Reassurance is a powerful way to meet their needs when anxiety rears its head. When you are providing reassurance, resist the urge to dismiss their fears. Instead, acknowledge them “I understand this can be scary” and then provide reassurance “but Mommy and Daddy are here to keep you safe”. When we dismiss their feelings, our reassurance feels disingenuous to them.
• Restrict. Kids of most ages don’t need to be watching the news, whether on TV or on their smart device. Avoid excessive exposure to media coverage and instead, engage them in age appropriate activities that will provide a distraction from an issue that they are too young to be concerned with. This is a good thing for adults to do as well. Pick one or two reputable sources of information and check in once or twice a day to get updates. Constant streaming of the media coverage surrounding COVID-19 is enough to make anyone stressed out.
• Routine. Provide a routine for children who are off of school for prolonged periods of time due to COVID-19. Structure provides a feeling of safety to children of all ages. Make self-care for all family members part of this routine and provide as many opportunities for connection and co-regulation as possible.

Our kids from hard places are susceptible to stress from all manner of situations. Let’s try our best to make this time in our homes and families a source of positive memories and feelings for the years to come.

My featured guest for this first episode of season two is Enneagram coach and fellow adoptive parent, Jenny Price. Jenny brings a wealth of knowledge about how the Enneagram can inform our parenting and our relationships with others, including our spouses/partners.

Listen in to my interview with Jenny on anchor.fm or search for SOS w/Melissa Smallwood on your favorite podcast platform.

You can connect with Jenny on IG @Jenneagram, Facebook and visit her website as well.

Lying can be a major problem, especially when raising kids from hard places. No one enjoys being lied to and we can tend to react in negative ways when a child lies. However, kids lie for a lot of different reasons and when we as parents take those lies personally it can set us up for a lot of conflict in our parent/child relationship. It’s important to separate what is about you and what is not about you related to your child’s behavior.

The first thing I want to do is help you understand the various reasons kids, especially kids with developmental trauma, lie and how we, as parents, can help our kids learn that lying isn’t necessary in our families. Understanding the why behind certain inflammatory behaviors can help parents respond rather than react.

1. Adults haven’t been trustworthy. Our foster/adopted kids come with experiences outside of our home and many of those experiences have not been positive ones. As a parent, it is super important to consistently prove that you are an adult worthy of their trust. Follow through on your commitments and promises. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
2. They’ve had negative experiences when telling the truth. Negative experiences create negative beliefs. Your child believes that lying serves a purpose (often times a protective purpose). The way they perceive the world causes them to believe that lying is necessary to keep them safe. As parents we need to set up an environment where telling the truth is always rewarded. Acknowledge when your child shares the truth with you, especially if it could lead to negative consequences and they choose to tell the truth anyway. Reinforce the positive response associated with telling the truth in your family.
3. Honesty hasn’t been modeled to them. Kids mirror what has been modeled. It is our responsibility to become a mirror of honesty to them. That means telling the truth, not letting them catch us slipping little white lies to our in laws or asking them to tell the person on the other line that we aren’t available when we’re sitting right beside them. They may have seen so much lying in their past that it is a normalized behavior and it’s our job to help them change that perception.
4. They’re trying to retain relationship. Kids don’t want us to be upset with them. They may lie in an attempt to avoid our disappointment in fear that we will withdraw our love and attention. It can take months and even years to build up the level of trust between us and them for the child to feel safe and secure enough in our relationship to trust us with the truth, especially if it might make us mad.

It’s also important to remember that trauma has affected the development of your child’s brain- both the feeling part (the limbic system) and the thinking part (the prefrontal cortex). When they are stuck in survival mode, they can’t access the thinking part of their brain that could tell them lying isn’t a good idea.

Creating an environment of honesty, trust and unconditional love is the best way to overcome a child’s tendency to lie. In the meantime, don’t take the behavior personally, respond versus reacting and value relationship over the need to prove anything to your child other than how much you love and value them.

When mornings get off to a rough start, the chaos and anxiety that ensue can set the tone for our entire day. On #whatworkswednesday a few weeks ago (check out facebook.com/melissasmallwoodwriter to watch the videos), I shared my top six tips for developing a morning routine that can help you ensure better mornings. Here are those tips:

1. Simplify your routine. If there are things that can be done to prepare for the busy day ahead of time, do them ahead of time! Plan quick, on the go breakfasts, check backpacks for papers that need signed, lay out clothes, etc. the night before. Only leave for the morning what can only be done in the morning! The less expectations of our kiddos in the morning, the smoother the morning will be.
2. Have a schedule. In order to help manage the chaos that morning time can be, your schedule should be simple, clear and easy to understand. Consider a visual schedule for younger kids or kids with learning difficulties. Step by step instructions are best.
3. Stick to your routine. Mornings are not the best time to change things up. If a schedule adjustment does need made, it is best to introduce it slowly and over time to allow kids time to adjust. Kids from hard places do best when they know what to expect and what is happening next. Adhering to a routine increases the chances of a child feeling safe.
4. Show, don’t tell. “Go brush your teeth, get your shoes on and bring your backpack downstairs”. This may be how you typically give direction to your child in the morning. However, a child with executive functioning deficits (whether caused by ADHD, trauma or just by being a kid) can’t remember multi-step directions. Their brains actually tune them out. “Let’s go make sure you have everything you need to brush your teeth” is likely going to produce a better outcome. Some of our kids can’t process verbal directions and actually need hand over hand assistance with things like applying toothpaste, tying shoes, etc. Let go of expectations you would have of neuro-typical kids and slow down, model desired behavior/action and offer lots of praise and encouragement.
5. Set the tone. Here’s the one where I remind you that we are the grown-ups. Yes, there may be mornings where you want to sit down and cry but our kids are looking to us for cues. Kids with developmental trauma exposure exhibit hypervigilence. They are constantly scanning their environment, on the look out for danger. They pick up on our tension, our irritability, our overwhelm. Sometimes even before we do. Find a morning routine that allows you to be as at peace and centered as possible. The kids demeanor will mirror yours on most days.
6. Stir it up! Lots of mamas ask me how to corral all the energy their kiddos have as soon as their feet hit the floor in the morning. Excess energy can lead to picking on a sibling, making a mess and all sorts of other annoyances. My advice is to take time to get those wiggles out and make channeling that energy into a part of your morning routine. There are lots of Mommy and Me exercise and yoga videos on Youtube. Do 5-10 minutes of exercise before you ask the kids to focus on their morning responsibilities. Exercise boosts endorphins and will have all of you feeling rejuvenated.

What is your best morning tip?

Last month, we had the opportunity to cross a major item off our family bucket list! We went to Medieval Times in Baltimore, MD. My husband and I took our 14 year old daughter and 9 year old grandson to a dinner show and we all had the best time!

The show was full of drama, humor and absolutely gorgeous horses! Trenton enjoyed the jousting and watching the horses perform tricks. Daleah takes horseback riding lessons and was mesmerized by the horses used in the show.

Daleah’s favorite part of the night was when the handsome blue team rider galloped by and gave her a flower!

The food was delicious as well and our server was funny and gracious. All in all, we had an amazing family night at Medieval Times.

If you would like to try out a fun night at Medieval Times with your family, you can save 40% on adult tickets and 20% on kids using code USF4020. Code good until September 30, 2020.

Special thanks to usfamilyguide.com for making this trip possible!

So, what is a frazzled foster/adoptive mama to do? We want to give our kids quality memories of the holidays and we want to enjoy our time with our extended families while also honoring how hard this time can be for our kids. Below you will find some of my top tips for navigating the holidays with kids from hard places.

Four things to avoid:

• Expectations– Avoid having the expectation of picture perfect moments and melt down free visits with extended family. We need to be realistic with our expectations of kids based on their chronological age and development, their trauma history, any sensory processing issues, etc. It’s okay to try an activity, realize it’s not working for your child and cut it short. Focus your expectations on your own behavior and responses to stressful moments.
• Promises to others– While Aunt Hilda may expect that you will come decorate sugar cookies on Christmas Eve like you always have, avoid telling her you will definitely be there this year. Let friends and family know that you need to be responsive to your child’s needs and situation. Maybe the cookie decorating would be right up your childs alley or maybe it would be overstimulating and stressful. Let others know that you can’t promise attendance or participation in every extended family activity but will do what is best for your family.
• Rigid schedules– If you’re anything like me, you like to cram as much into the holiday season as possible. After all, there are so many fun things to do this time of year. However, overscheduling your family and not being flexible about what is scheduled can lead to stress, conflict and sheer exhaustion for your entire family. Practice letting go of the planning a bit and enjoy whatever activities you end up being able to participate in.
• Overstimulation: Kids who have a trauma history often do not tolerate overstimulation well. Their brains are already on high alert all the time and adding too much stimulation (even if it’s fun) can backfire on the most experienced parent. Be mindful of your child’s threshold for this and plan your holiday activities accordingly.

Four Things to Focus On:

• Limits– Be aware of your own limitations and your child’s. If you know your child needs to stick to their bedtime schedule and routine, then don’t take them to the Christmas tree lighting ceremony two hours past their bedtime and expect smiles and giggles.
• Simplicity– Keep your traditions and activities simple. Maintain your focus on the joy and meaning of the holidays rather than caving to the pressure society puts on us to have a Pinterest perfect holiday.
• Fun– Goodness knows the holidays can be fun! Focus on the things your family enjoys and be okay with letting go of the rest. Your kiddos will look back and remember the nights you drove around to look at lights and the milk and cookies you left out for Santa more than they will remember a specific gift or over the top celebration.
• New traditions– When you find something that works for your family, allow it to become a new tradition that replaces an old one that your child doesn’t respond well to. If you have older placements in your home, ask them their favorite thing about the holidays with their first families. Incorporate some of their traditions in your family to help them feel at ease and validated. We don’t always have to do what we’ve always done in order to enjoy the season.

How do you get through difficult moments during the holidays in your family?

You can learn more about Denise on her blog. She also posts regularly on Facebook and Instagram.

Be sure to listen to this informative episode and let me know what you think!

Julianne Van’t Land is a writer, wife and twin mom living in Lexington, Kentucky. You can find her on her blog where she writes about faith, deconstruction, mental health and more. You can also follow her on Instagram and Facebook.

You can listen by searching for the SOS Podcast with Melissa Smallwood on your favorite podcast platform

Episode 7 features an interview with Dr. Sherri Yoder. Sherri encourages and inspires with her story of following God’s plan for her life versus the status quo.

Listen in to SOS with Melissa Smallwood on your favorite podcast platform!

Here are ways you can learn more about and connect with Dr Sherri

Website

FacebookI

Podcast: (on itunes and Spotify) Thriving Thoughts with Dr Sherri

Instagram