the-balance-blog

Anyone listening?

Sat, 11 Jul 2015 00:56:27 +0100

So, I have been quiet on the blogging front for a while. Partly because I've been working hard, (new job) and partly because I've been trying to make more time to listen.

There is just so much to do everyday, and I realise that more and more I am not really listening to my kids, as I chase them through the daily routines so I can get to that job I need to finish.

It feels like we are living in the age of "infobeasity" where we are constantly bombarded with stuff from e-mail, texts, Facebook, Twitter on top of everything else we do. I wonder if we have yet developed the right skills to sift through all of this and give our attention to things that matter.

I'd like to say my kids are always number one, but then I keep catching myself saying 'hang on, I've just got to finish this text' ...

I wonder if listening is the most important thing a mum, friend, partner or boss can do ... are you listening?

Down with work and up with sledging!

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 13:01:43 +0100

Yesterday I ditched work and took the kids sledging after school. In 6 months time will I (or my client) remember what I did in January? I bet my kids will remember 2 hours of sledging one cold Monday after school forever..

Today I am twice as productive, as I feel good.

Mum - the memory maker.

The 7 days of Christmas Flu

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 17:53:46 +0100

So on the first day of Christmas flu I gritted my teeth, tidied the house, made up 2 double air-beds, one spare bed and a party lunch for 5 .. I smiled through the nativity service drunk my way through a few G&T's in the pub after (purely medicinal of course) and struggled to our Christmas Eve pub dinner all before collapse.

On the second day of Christmas flu I cooked about half a Christmas dinner for 9 before collapsing asleep on the sofa .... and it was all down hill from there.

I haven't been ill for years (simply don't have time to fit it in) .. but this one got me good and proper. I couldn't do anything but stare at the ceiling for nearly 5 whole days. So on the 7th day I got up to witness bedlam, as the sitting room stayed exactly as it had been left 7 days earlier on Christmas day. Piles of presents, scalextric, wrapping paper, cups and mouldering plates. The utility room door was just about open through the piles of dirty washing (and clean unsorted washing). The kitchen was sort of tidy, with two loads of dishes on top of the dishwasher. The 2 double air-beds were still there, covered in toys and mess..... The kids were fed, clean (ish) and happy.

So what did I learn? I was humbled to think of all the mums out there who have to deal with some kind of long term illness. I just didn't have the energy to talk to my kids let alone be nice to them. I don't know how they do it. I also learnt that the person who was most bothered by the mess was me, and maybe part of the reason I got ill in the first place was driving myself too hard to get everything perfect.

I had to cancel 5 lovely post Christmas things with family and friends, and am now re-booking some nice things for the new year to make up for Christmas Lost .... back to work on Monday, feeling slightly cheated.

May 2013 be full of lovely times with friends and family and NO flu!

An 'Olymptastic' Summer

Tue, 04 Sep 2012 14:47:20 +0100

The news was full of rain. Full of economic doom. Full of American Politicians behaving like kids in the playground, not to mention our own.. Unions were trying to hold the Olympics to ransom in exchange for bonuses, big companies were failing to deliver on their promises.

Suddenly an amazing thing happened. For once we forgot to self-depricate, and just enjoyed. We celebrated:

* The spirit of the armed forces and volunteers
* The hard work ethic and modesty of our exceptional athletes
* The ability to turn failure into motivation to succeed (who fails as many times as an athlete?)
* The attention to detail, and the focus on the margins of error to get it right.
* The smiles on every London face
* The culture, the arts, the inventions, the science and that is uniquely British
* The flags on every street corner
* The story behind every amazing para-olympian
* The roar of a huge crowd celebrating success

So as this amazing olympic summer draws to a close, I hope I have helped create some memories for my kids that give them a sense of pride to be British, and understand that the world is a much happier place when we smile.

I hope that, like our Olympians they learn to turn failure into success, and they show the determination, the modesty and the generosity of our athletes and volunteers.

I'm sad its nearly over, but grateful to have been part of something so special.

Are we letting faddy eaters rule our lives?

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 11:06:56 +0100

So I have to confess when I was a kid, I was probably a bit weird for my time on the eating front. I didn't like veg (which of course is not weird), but I did have some interesting avoidance tactics...

I managed to kid myself that the peas shoved behind the freezer (which I sat next to), would never be found. I feigned toilet breaks to smuggle toilet roll onto my lap so I could parcel up the yukky stuff and throw it away later. I threw my salami sandwiches in the ditch on the way home from school, trying to remember how my Mum had got the impression I liked it. I didn't like mustard, mayonnaise, coleslaw, smelly cheese, brown sauce, and also had a particular aversion to red cabbage, amongst a huge list of other stuff. I did like most meat, pasta and rice, any fruit and about three different vegetables (in small quantities). By today's terms I think you might call me a star eater, but then my mum gave me food supplements, as she worried I wouldn't get enough vitamins.

I find myself sliding down the slippery slope of cooking different variants of the same dinner to accommodate my beautiful, faddy children; not to mention of course our morning rush hour with with raisin, grapes and banana porridge for one, and cereal with strawberry and blueberry for the other. How few hours do I have in the day but how much of it do I waste fiddling around with the complex and different needs of my wonderful children. Am I really spending my time and love wisely - do they really appreciate it? (yes a dumb question I know).

A good friend of mine recently confessed to cooking up to 3 different dinners a night to accommodate the different eating habits of her family. She works full time, and has less time than I do. How is it we, as intelligent women, have ended up being a slave to our children's faddy behaviour? What really gets me is the friends for tea scenario. I've given up asking if there is anything the friend doesn't like, as the list is often so long, I start panicking about what I am going to feed this child. So now, I ask ' what would xxx like to eat', and find myself adding a special trip to the supermarket, and buying some kind of rubbish I wouldn't normally feed my kids, just to be a 'good hostess'.

As for the friends, we have the dry pasta eaters, the no sauce, or no 'lumps' brigade. The veggie-fruit phobics and the potato haters (unless of course it has been powdered mixed with chemicals and re-formed into some bizarre shape). We also have the 'I only really eat junk food' friend, who constantly asks for biscuits. I don't have biscuits I say, then hastily make a mental note to go and buy some for when this kid next comes round, so I don't have the shame of having him tell his parents how mean I am. By far the worst of all is the kid you bend over backwards to please, and then after all your efforts, they hardly touch their food!

So this week, I am going to try being more assertive with my kids. I won't make them gag, or force them to eat something they don't like, but I'm not going to buy anything 'special' for their friends, and I'm not going to let them have cereal before bed unless they finish their tea. Most importantly I'm axing the multiple variants. I will spend the time I save playing with them.

How to stop shouting at my kids so much? Ideas?

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 10:40:18 +0100

I HATE SHOUTING. Sometimes its good, (e.g. when they do something dangerous), but mostly its a horrid thing, only a few steps from bullying. So why do I do it? The last week or so I've been trying to track when I get cross enough to shout and why. I've also been talking to my friends about their shouting habits, and together we have come up with some thoughts on how to avoid shouting so much.

1) Find The Shouting Button:

Shouting happens when they have pressed your buttons. So I am now working on understanding my buttons, and ways of deactivating them...

Number one on the list has to be that perennial ignoring what I am asking them to do in the mornings to get ready for school. As the clock ticks, and the task list is not complete my frustration and my voice rises.

The solution is obvious - I just need to leave more time so I am not expecting them to do to so many things on their own whilst I brush my own teeth, or get the breakfast. Somehow I just can't seem to manage this. When I start to get 'shouty', I now try to tell myself its my fault not theirs.

2) Ditch The Scary Face:

My son once said to me 'Mummy I don't like your scary face when you shout' ... I felt awful, but somehow this still isn't enough to stop me. It did make me think though about the unintended messages your kids get when you are cross. I know they are in a world of their own, oblivious to what is going on in my world. Why should they understand what is in my head, and worry about all the things I have to fit in before I get to work. Why should they be scared, because I am cross?

3) Break the grumpy dynamic: Ever get to the point when the scales have tipped, and you are spending more time arguing than loving? Some days the first thing my oldest seems to do is moan or be non-compliant ... the day slides from bad to worse. Sometimes the only thing to do is to take 5, jump on the floor and tickle him till he cries with laughter, and then somehow things get better.

4) Emotions Vs Logic: In my family we are all logical beasts, that is save my youngest, who is just one great ball of emotion... I just can't quite work out how to handle it, but now I realise that there is not point using logic on him when all he wants is a cuddle. There's not point shouting if its just not going to change the behaviour.

5) Scream in the garden: Yes I'm sure my neighbours think I'm a fruitcake, but sometimes I do actually go and scream in the garden... Its good to let it all out, when you get wound up, and its also good to let the kids know its not something specific they have done that's making you so cross!

6) Don't try to do so much: Shouting for me often happens when I am trying to fit too much in. Kid stuff always takes 10 minutes longer than you plan, so plan in 10 extra, rather than get wound up. Most of my shouting happens when I am really tired, and still have loads to do. Its not their fault, but maybe sometimes its just best to get them to bed early so you can too.

7) Never shout in public: Ever see another parent really shout at their kids and think 'poor child'? Don't ever let that be you. Sometimes a calm clear voice can work just as well, and its much nicer for everyone.. I guess we can all think of a few times when we have lost it in a public place ... I now walk them outside and give them a good, quiet telling off, which they really hate, (but it works!)

8) Stand back and try something different: If what you are doing is not working, and you are having to shout to get them to do something, try a different way. Is it really that important they do this thing? Will they grow out of it naturally? Are you consistent, do you make 'threats' you don't follow through? Are they being rewarded somehow for the behaviour? Are you rewarding the good behaviours as well as the bad? What do they do that is lovely, how can you celebrate that and make more of your interactions with them positive?

9) Take a break.... find a way of taking a time out (either real or virtual) - go for a coffee, take them somewhere where they can burn their energy off whilst you can relax .. call in a friend to watch them for an hour.

10) Shout when Shouting is Good: Shouting is fab when you are running down a hill in the middle of nowhere ... its amazing when you are shouting for fun.. how often do you do that with you kids? It is good to shout sometimes, if they are being dangerous, if they are being REALLY bad, but use it too much and everyone will be sad.

What do you think about shouting??

The Mother of All Mothers....Queen Elizabeth..

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 09:12:32 +0100

So its the end of an amazing Diamond Jubilee weekend here in the UK. I have, like many mothers worked hard to create some great memories for my kids, as the whole country got behind the festive spirit... After a weekend full of village fair, raft race, Jubilee Parties, a London trip, and kids staying up late I for one am exhausted!

So I am sparing a thought for the mother of mothers ... our Queen, who must be totally shattered after a weekend of constant dinners, ceremonies, concerts, salutes and smiling ... how does she do it? Whether you are into the Royal Family or not, you have to take you hat off to one of the most famous mothers in the world. She has helped her family through difficult times, experiencing happiness and pain like any mother.

What is truly remarkable is her ability to keep her private views private, and to keep smiling, and doing her job with pride whatever the weather.. You don't hear of her moaning, or giving up, she is there putting the hours in, and giving a huge boost to her country, even though she is way past retirement age. I wonder what kind of work-life-balance she has?

What I do know is we could all learn a thing or two from her example ...

This weekend for me was about being part of history - we shared some of our country's history, and we made our own for our kids. We stopped to appreciate who we are, and the opportunities given to us through being citizens of the United Kingdom.

We are now looking forwards to using the flags and bunting for the Olympic Parties!

10 Ideas on How to Change your Career to get a better work life balance

Wed, 30 May 2012 10:09:03 +0100

Changing career at any point in your working life journey is seldom easy, but it might not be as hard as you think.

If you have determination, courage, and a realistic plan there is every chance that you will join many millions of mothers who have successfully travelled this path before you. In many ways being a mother is a career change in itself, as you have suddenly acquired a whole new job description (often on top of your paid one). You have rapidly acquired a whole different set of skills, knowledge and experience as a mother - what is to stop you doing this again and getting paid for it?

Thinking about your change in career needs to start from two different, but important points. What you are good at, and what you realistically need to earn. Along the way it also helps to think about what your success criteria are, to make sure your new career is not just 'different' but it is actually better. I know so many women who have taken the plunge to become self-employed, and ended up being so successful they actually work harder, and spend less time with their kids than they did previously.

Need inspiration? Check out the 10 Ideas below on How to Change your Career.

Step 1 - Explore Possibilities

1) Track your Success - look back over your life to date and track your moments of success, the things you are proud of. Try to work out what skills, knowledge and experience got you there.

2) Talk to people - find out what other mums do for work, start to note down ideas that interest you - could you apply your skills and experience to have a go at these jobs (knowledge can always be learnt).

3) Work out your Finances - work out how much realistically you need to earn, and then think about how many days/ hours/ a week you can work sustainably. - Test this against your idea ... 1 day doing something less 'inspiring' might actually pay more than a whole week of something you are more interested in. Weigh up the pros & cons.

4) Plan for the future - where would this new path take you in 5 - 10 years time? Will you be able to build on this and provide a sustainable income for the future?

5) What would it really take for you to get into this line of work? Who do you know (or your friends know) who are already doing it who could share their experiences? What training / qualifications would you need? Is there a market for what you want to do? What is the competition like?

Step 2 Making it Happen

6) Work out a list of actions to further explore the ideas you are interested in:

agree how many hours I want to work, and whether I need this to flex in school holidays etc
work out how much money I realistically need to earn
consider childcare costs and discuss options
meet with x y & z to find out how they do it
get some voluntary/ work shadowing experience in the area I want to move into
re-write my CV to emphasize the skills and knowledge I have that are relevant, emphasising the steps taken to get knowledge (e.g. reading etc) and specific experience - shadowing/ talking to people who work in that field.
review jobs websites, and identify target roles. Talk to agencies about what entry roles could be relevant.
research starting my own business

7) Plan when you are going to do the actions - Career changes rarely happen over night. Make sure you set your self a realistic plan, and take a few actions to progress each month. As long as you have set yourself a clear year end target, and have done enough actions to get there, you should be able to keep your momentum going.

8) Get some support

Find a friend or family member, who can help you with your journey. As them if they will meet with you every 3 months, so you can discuss your progress. Ask them who they might know who can help you.

9) Be honest with yourself

Don't feel bad if you go around the houses and find that what you are currently doing is, although not ideal, actually meeting your most important needs just now. Many people don't like what they do, but focus their energy on the parts they can enjoy, and particularly their life outside work. At least you are making a decision to stay where you are, rather than letting life drift on.

10) Most importantly .... don't give up too soon, if you want to realise your potential, sometimes you have to tough it out to succeed.

Putting Life before Work ... a week long experiment

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 20:57:08 +0100

So this week I have a big project on. In fact I'm super busy, trying to cram a 12 week project into 6 weeks (of which 2 I am away on holiday!)....

When I am working, its always quite full on, as I try to juggle the kids, house, and demands of a busy client global client, who really don't want to hear that I actually already have two coaching sessions booked this week with another client, let alone kids to collect from school... a couple of suitcases to pack, and a fancy dress costume to procure before Saturday.

Before I knew the timelines on this project, I booked in coffee with my cousin, and lunch with an old friend - two things I don't do very often, with people who I love. Then I found out it was my son's assembly presentation on the out-door activity course he went on last week...

The old me would have canned the lunch and coffee, and told B. that it was too short notice. But then I remembered why I have chosen to work for myself. I remembered my objective at the beginning of this year to focus on the people that are important in my life. I didn't cancel, and came away all three feeling up-lifted, and really glad I made the effort.

As for the work, well, yes I did get a bit stressed out, and the house did look like a bomb site by the weekend, but I know from experience this probably would have happened anyway.

Moral of the story ... its not worth cutting out the important, but not urgent bits ... they may well be the bits that give you the energy to get through the other bits without biting someone's head off!

Why Facebook has Improved my Work Life Balance ...

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 15:40:45 +0100

So for ages I resisted the Facebook thing .... I always used to think that it was something for people with too much time on their hands... Living in a world of 'infobesity', why on earth did it need another stream of information coming into my already over-cluttered in-box?

A few months ago, largely through my work, I realised I had to get with the programme, and learn about social media, so I could talk to my clients about how this fits in with their HR strategies of the future. I have learnt loads, and actually really enjoyed the world of SEO, social networking, Pintrest, Stumble Upon getting blog feeds and particularly enjoyed reading Wikinomics

On a grey day when life is getting on top of you, how nice is it to get your old friends, you know the ones you love to bits but only get in touch with a few times a year, hitting the LIKE key, or coming back with a one liner on something you said.
Just one like, can be all it takes to give a little boost, and make you remember what life is about.. A quick post, and you can be in a conversation with someone you love and never quite get round to phoning.

Just as linked in has brought me un-expected work, Facebook has brought me un-expected love, and love can transform any old day into a great day.

So when your in box is so stuffed you don't know where to start, take 5 and post something on Facebook.. The love you get back, might just be enough to tip you from a frustrated, grouchy mum into a calm, sensible professional who people love working with - who knows what new doors that could open?