summer fun

Every day you have to wake up and be grateful for something. It’s a healthy practice.

This week I am grateful for loads of things :

The sun shining today.

The great lunch I had

The lovely fresh food we get each week

My daughter working hard at her job to earn for Uni expenses

The fact that I have not thrown my son out the house  when he’s rude

The sunshine which means my son can’t hide in his room and not cut the grass for me.

etc , etc etc.

Yes, I’m struggling with the 10 week holiday that a 16 year old lays in his bed for , despite my wrangling, moaning, shouting, pleading, cajoling and bribing him to do just about anything else. ANYTHING else.

The job hunt has been half-hearted.

The friends all seem to be otherwise engaged ( or too far away).

The motivation to do sport is rather lax.

The ability to be ‘screen mean’ or ‘fully frustrated’ and grumpy, is enormous, and generally that means take it out on Mum cos she is working at home and available to rant on.

Help – send re-inforcements!!!! I canna take it Captain!

It’s a toss-up between insisting he is out of his bedroom doing something ( sniping at me seems to be the order of the day) or in his bedroom holed up in the dark doing god knows what. I’m to sure what the lesser of two evils is ….

Update : he got a job, earned money, worked DAMN hard, and bucked up! I love my kids!!

You are the only sibling I have. My One and Only. I am your only sibling, your One and Only.

Ours has not been an easy relationship, we are 4 years apart, which, when you are growing up, is a lifetime.

Our family was dysfunctional, an alcoholic mother and an emotionally unavailable father. We were at a disadvantage from the beginning.

That being said, I have spent almost 50 years trying to be your ‘family’ – in my own strange way, the only way I knew how.

Growing up, you were never there to look after me or to protect me. You never helped me with homework, we never walked to school together. We never played together, or cooked together. We were never taught to look after each other or to look out for each other. Instead we fended for ourselves. Alone, singularly and selfishly.

All my adult life I have been trying to fix that. I’ve been trying to be your friend, trying to get some type of emotional connection with you. I never did. You never let me.

You, in your limited emotional way, decided to rely on friends, and to rather spend time with them and not at home. Home was hard, and loud and scary, and so you left as soon as you could.  I was left alone in that loud, scary environment, fending for myself, and hiding in the cupboard when I was scared, and left as soon as I had an option to. I went to safe and secure boarding school. It saved my life, or rather my sanity.

We never grew up together. I never understood the phases you were going through as you went through them because I was just trying to keep breathing, keep afloat, keep sane, keep a roof over my head.

Your wedding was a blur, you married a man I had met briefly 3 times, and then you had a child a long way away from where I lived, and I never had the opportunity to be an aunt in the way I should have been. I didn’t know what it meant, or what I had to do.

I was at one of the christenings, but I had no idea what having a baby meant. I was not a good aunt, I admit. But neither were you. Maybe if you had shown me the way it might have been easier, I could have learnt from you.

I got married, and you came, but the best thing was you came for the birth of my first child – the closest we had been ever, and that was a magic day.  You left the same day she was born, but you had been there – we almost got close.

You also arrived after the next baby was born –  I was amazed and grateful for the help. It was wonderful, and made me realise that I should have made a bigger effort when your kids were born, but I had been so busy just trying to survive, almost starving at times, that I had no other space in my mind. I’m sorry that was the case.

You very kindly made space for me and the kids when I was getting divorced, and I tried very hard to forge a relationship then. Really hard. But you were not receptive, and when I moved out it got far worse. Far worse. So bad I asked for us to go see a therapist together, which you agreed to as long as it was Dad’s therapist. We went. You said “I don’t want or need to have a relationship with you and I don’t think I ever will.” I remember the shocked face on Ina, the therapist, and her saying ” I don’t think it it can be said any more clear than that.” I was devastated. I had to leave, for my sanity. I left the country, with my kids.

Our father died – we bonded  little over that, but it ended soon enough. Our mother died, and you let me sort out her stuff on my own, in your garage, but alone.

We went on a holiday together at great expense to me – one I couldn’t really afford….it didn’t help.

Still, my need and longing for a relationship and a strong bonding with you continued. I tried. When I heard you were coming here, and weren’t going to visit me, I phoned you and made you feel guilty, so you came. It didn’t help.

When you husband arrived and posted photos of him traveling and with other family but never once contacted us, I said nothing.
When I saw photos of him with my EX husband, and he hadn’t contacted his own nephew and niece, I said nothing.

But I cried a little each time, realising that the wish of us being close was being shoved in my face subtly each time – “here – take this, we don’t want a relationship with you”.

You never told me about your kids or kept me updated, so I stopped asking. It’s hard to keep asking like a little child saying “pick me ! Pick me !” and not being picked. And still I kept trying.

And now the latest in the litany of family events. Your daughter gets married and we are not in ONE of the family photos. Not even the cousins together. NOT ONE.  I wonder if as we get older you will feel sorry about that. If you will ever be sorry that you never had a close relationship with you one and only sibling.

The other thing that amazed me is I had eloped to Las Vegas with the man I have always loved, barely 2 months before and you never ONCE asked me about the wedding, asked to see my rings, or about Las Vegas. Not once. Not that we spoke more than 30 mins in the 4 days we were there for the wedding.

My husband can’t believe I am so sad about the loss of this relationship, he seems to think I should get over it.  I guess you need to have a sibling who doesn’t give a shit to understand the hurt and emotions coursing through my mind.

I told him I am grieving for the death of my family. He thinks that’s dramatic, but it’s how I feel. Deep down inside. Deep, painful, hurt.  Deep loss. Slight anger and frustration.

So, I need to let it go. It’s easier said than done. But somehow I need to come to terms with it and move on and away forever.

I need to take you off FB, and all the other social media sights that throw our lack of a relationship in my face. Maybe one day our kids will have the temerity to get over our crap and be friends, but with the likely hood of our relationship having poisoned them, I’m not holding my breath.

Our has been a difficult road, made all the more difficult for me because of my high expectation of you. I expected more of you. I expected you to rise to the challenge, and want a blood family.  I expected a whole lot more. even though there were rebuffs from you regularly, I still expected you to want to be my sister. My One and Only.

So this is the letter I write to you to explain to you my feelings.  The letter of the things I’d like to say to you but never will. It wouldn’t help if I did, I realise that. I’ve spent my life trying not to piss you off.  In case you would then be my friend. I guess those days are over. So is our so called relationship.  It never was and never will be. I will always be sad bout that.

I wish you a good life. I hope one day you get rid of all that anger you hold inside. I wish you “enough”.

Your Sister ( One and Only)

I wish you enough

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how grey the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

(The copyright for this poem belongs to the author: Bob Perkins)

What do you think about them?

http://amzn.to/2qf0pzU

Seriously, I love it.  Next day delivery, especially when I forget stuff for friends or family.

Add to that you get Amazon Video (Movies) included in the price so the kids and I can watch movies on holiday ( none of that downloading 100 movies on a hard drive to watch later.  We never do – and I’m hooked.

Try it yourself and tell me what you think!

“When all is lost, when faith has lost all feeling , you keep me believing.”

Basically – that’s what we all want from our partners.

Especially women. Basically we want someone to tell us – reasonably often – how amazing they think we are.

I’m always impressed by men ( or women) who tell the world , on TV, or FB or other media, how wonderful their partner is.  How they couldn’t live without them.  That’s what we want isn’t it?  Thats what kids look for from their parents, and their teachers, their bosses, and we all look for in our life partner.

Fuck all that “you have to love yourself first and be happy IN yourself” shit. IT’s bloody hard to do, and basically, it’s crap.  We feel MUCH better if people, OTHER people tell us how awesome we are.  We feel we are awesome already, and we want other people to think we are awesome.

The proofs in once the shine is lost – will they do that? The shine is great in the beginning of relationships, they tell you how awesome you are, but once you are together 5, 10 years – do they still do that? THAT’s the measure of a (wo)man.

On the other hand, Brad Pitt did it publicly all over all media , and he still ended up divorced.  So maybe it’s all futile.

“Will you do your homework now?”

“yes”

and then you get a note from the teachers saying the home work was not handed in ….
“Will you bath tonight?”
“Yes”

and then you get into bed aft you have tidied up, packed the dishwasher, cleaned surfaces etc, and realise it’s 10:30 and no-one bathed.

“Will yo come home for dinner?”
“YEs”

and then you get a text message 10 mins before dinner saying ‘I’m leaving in 30 mins – be home soon’ – when dinner will be cold and other people starving.

You’d have thought after 15 or so years in your house they would have figured out what time dinner was – same time every day for almost 12 years….

And that is when you realise Yes means No. Or may it means ‘If I Feel Like It’. What it DOESN’t mean is whatever you want into mean.

1 – Internet Of Things – investigate companies that are doing things with IOT. They do the software or the house gadgets ( digital Locks etc) – it’s going to take over the world and how we run our houses.

2 – Wearable technology and clothing – buy into companies that are creating jackets that monitor your body temperature, your pulse, your exercise etc. Buy shares in the companies that writes the software, make the chips, make the material, design the clothes etc. Buy the shares and hold them.

3 – Crypto currency – find out what it is. Learn about it, read as much as you can on it, see how it works, and where it works. We’ll all be using it in the next 5 years. Bet on that. Get comfortable with it.

Two things to do this year:

1 – Read a book a month. I’d love to say one a week, but it’s so hard to do that for most people. I know, I struggle with this one, but knowledge is strength, and information i knowledge. Read – everything. As much as you can. In the long term, people will be amazed by how clever you are, and they will want you near them, or working for them.

2 – Exercise – the mind and the body. The older you get, the more difficult it gets. Push yourself to do those 10 000 steps a day at least. A healthy body makes a healthy mind. Keep busy, keep fit , walk with friends, dogs, a walking group. You’ll thank me when you are 80 and not stuck in a chair.

You can thank me later once you realise why all this is a good idea. Seriously – find me on Facebook and thank me.

At 17;30 her job starts. It takes at least 10 minutes to get there, and she has to:
1) Get food ready for work.
2) Get ready for work – get changed into her uniform etc.
3) Tidy up the mess in the kitchen she made.

None has been done. Yet.

I guess leaving things to the complete last minute is what makes her happy, but it COMPLETELY drives me mad.

We eat dinner at 18:30pm and the food is ALREADY on now … so I can be sure it’s cooked and ready in plenty of time.

I seriously doubt all she needs to do will be done by 17:20, and so she will be late for work. Which also drives me mad.

I am always early. Because things happen along the way you can’t account for. Like road blocks or stuff. The last place she went to she left it late, then couldn’t find it and was very nearly VERY late for the test. So she went in stressed. The one before that she sat outside till the last minute and when she went up for the test she saw a note saying it was the wrong place – too late to get to the right place. Which is why I go early, check out it’s the right place etc.

I always say if you are late you are telling the person you are meeting that their time is not valuable to you.

I also say if you are 10 mins early you are on time and if you are on time – you’re late. SO be early!
I don’t know where I get it from, but it’s one of my pet hates.

I guess that’s why we butt heads – cos we are so different!! Takes all kinds to make the world, now …breathe…… breathe……

Then you get them to vote for you.

Welcome to America.  Where people watch TV shows with canned laughter and stupid jokes.  Where educational shows have been virtually wiped off the programming schedule and political views have been spoon fed to you so you eventually know nothing else.

THAT is how you get a Hillary vs Trump election – and Trump wins.  Land of the brave and the free no more.

Yes, it’s controversial to say these things – but if someone doesn’t say them – them who will.? Watch Chelsea on Netflix – she says all kinds of controversial stuff and the has her own show!

Whilst the final US Election 2016 result was a bit of a shock to me, I’ll admit, I am not terribly surprised it ended up this way.

I think this is what you get for taking culture, music and sports away from kids and letting them sit in front of screens all day.

Good luck America!!