The Sound of Muzik

The Solution

2009-01-28T19:29:12Z

Economy got you down? Not me…I won’t let it. I’m renouncing my US citizenship and moving to Mexico. Then I’m going to sneak back across the border and get the pay and benefits I deserve. Problem solved.

Oops

2009-01-24T19:51:16Z

I got an inspection job the other day and showed up early as usual so I could inspect the exterior and roof of the house.

Everything looked good. I set up the ladder on the deck in the backyard because it was a shorter distance to the roof, climbed up and walked the roof taking photos of the shingles. While up there, I notice a neighbor had taken an unusually intense interest in what I was doing. I disregarded it as eccentricity and continued with the job.

On the way down the ladder I noticed the master bedroom was a mess. Normally when someone knows their house is going to be inspected they tidy up a bit but these people didn’t seem to care. Again, I disregarded the abnormality and continued with the job.

I spent the next 30 minutes inspecting the exterior of the house, taking pictures and documenting my findings on my tablet PC while the neighbor tried to nonchalantly watch my every move.

The realtor called me on my cell phone right about the time he was supposed to be meeting me at the house presumably to let me know he would be late. This is par for the course. However, this time he asked where I was. Apparently, the agent had given me the wrong address and I was inspecting a house that wasn’t even for sale.

I still wonder if there was someone curled up in a corner somewhere in that place sucking their thumb and crying wondering what the bad man outside was going to do.
The cops still haven’t contacted me so I assume the neighbor didn’t turn in my plate number.
This is my life.

Random Crap

2008-05-25T04:21:51Z

As stated in previous posts, we own two dogs and a Chihuahua. That’s a lot of poop. It’s so much poop in fact, that we are running out of ideas about where to put it all.

The trash collectors have learned to loathe our address and I have to admit it makes me a bit self-conscious.

We tried throwing it over the fence but the neighbors began thinking there was something seriously wrong with their Boston terrier. After changing his food and multiple visits to the vet, they became suspicious so we started throwing it over the other fence.

Those neighbors don’t have a dog so they were leery right away. We tried to convince them that our dogs have spastic colons that occasionally result in launching poop across the yard. They’re not falling for it.

We are currently experimenting with dog poop as an alternative fuel source. The difficulty is finding a diet that will make the poop combustible without killing the dog.
We’ll keep you posted.

So Yeah…Ouch.

2008-05-16T04:02:15Z

Imagine you’re a hummingbird just flying around without a care in the world beyond your next sugar high. You don’t know what a Ford Explorer is…you don’t know what an interstate looks like…all you know is that the sun disappeared and you suddenly can’t fly fast enough to avoid having your first (and last) SUV enema.

Poor bird.

I thought it was a huge moth because the dull little thud was way too loud for a bee and not loud enough for a deer. Then I saw the terror stricken face of the bird hastening from the hood to the windshield.

We made eye contact.

Actually, it all happened so fast I had no idea what I hit until I stopped for lunch. Upon returning to the car I noticed that something was lodged onto the front of the luggage rack.

You guessed it. I had a passenger but he was humming a different tune.

So I was telling a friend that I killed a hummingbird and she interrupted me to ask “what did you do; shoot it?”
Now what kind of question is that? What kind of person does she think I am?
Think about it…I mean, how good of a shot would someone have to be to pick off a hummingbird? Then again, how cruel would someone have to be to purposely kill a hummingbird? I could use the excuse that I was hunting and I needed the meat…I could say I was thinning the flock but I doubt anyone would fall for it. So I decided to stick with the unfortunate accident scenario. Otherwise known as “the truth”.

A certain concerned citizen for ornithological right-of-way made the brilliant observation that had I been driving a smaller vehicle, the hummingbird would still be alive.
Really? …and exactly what formula did you pull from your algebraic library of high school memories to calculate those odds? Your comment is dripping with left wing, anti-SUV, communism. When I was growing up there were only 3 purposes in life; play baseball, kill critters and shoot commies. I already got a bird today and I can find my mitt…only one thing left to do… Why don’t you calculate the odds of survival for everyone else on the road when I strap my 21 foot extension ladder to the top of one of those Toyota Pious hybrids and cruise 75 mph down the interstate to the job. I would save the birdie but become the biggest moving hazard to humans on the road.

I digress.

Incidentally, I doubt the bird felt a thing. Once upon time many years ago, I was driving down the interstate with the windows down, shirt off, and stereo blasting (or probably more like flying down the interstate, because I was an invincible teen and that’s how I drove.) The screaming wind carried in a bee that hit me square in the nipple at 80 mph. I’m confident the bee didn’t feel a thing but I was bruised for a week. That was the first time I ever pondered the need for man-nipples. I mean, women don’t have any non functioning man parts so why do we have nipples? The bee accident wouldn’t have been nearly as painful if it had just hit a bare field of chest flesh…know what I mean? Granted, it could have been worse but I would have had to be on a motorcycle with my ankles behind my head.

If You Can’t Afford an Education…Fake It.

2008-04-27T23:10:50Z

Here is a serious article from WikiHow. I wanted to add a few things but I wasn’t sure the author would appreciate my point of view as a contributor so I’ll just make the changes here.

How to Present Yourself As an Educated Person

In this article, you’ll find our how to impress people at work, school, and social gatherings.

(Muzikal edit: In other words; this article will teach you the fine art of pompous pretense. Also…notice the title…why is the word “As” more important than the word “an”? Did I miss something in school?)

Steps

1. When talking to people use correct grammar. Use complete thoughts, pause at the proper places, and remove “like” and “um” from your vocabulary.

(Muzikal edit: Aint it the truth? *pause for effect* It’s like, really important to be…um…yeah.)

2. Don’t use the same words over and over again. Expand your vocabulary so that you can express yourself with a minimal but effective amount of words and phrases.

(Muzikal edit: Like saying things like “like” or using the phrase “over and over” capped off with the word “again”…remember rule #1. You might want to make sure that when you expand your vocabulary you also learn the definitions and proper use of the words. Don’t use words ad nauseum)

3. Do not use slang, especially terms that may offend someone.

(Muzikal edit: If you cannot remember your boss’s wife’s name do not refer to her as “ho’” or “biatch”)

4. Be honest.

(Muzikal edit: Unless it will expose you as a mental imp.)

5. Listen carefully and completely understand what the other person is saying before offering your view, especially when giving advice.

(Muzikal edit: Then begin your opine with the phrase “…and here’s why you’re wrong…”)

6. Do not probe anyone for information that they don’t want to share.

(Muzikal edit: It’s a pretty good rule of thumb not to probe for anything else either…unless you can convince them you’re a doctor.)

7. Be neat in appearance; in particular, iron your clothes, make sure all buttons are closed, keep your hair neat, and keep your teeth clean.

(Muzikal edit: Everyone knows that only educated people brush their teeth)

8. Take care to be on time.

(Muzikal edit: Again, only educated people are on time. The credit for this trait goes to the mandatory university courses in punctuality.)

9. Remove bad habits such as nail biting or hair twirling.

(Muzikal edit: Yes, hair twirling is a definite sign of idiocy. You can pass off poor grammar and the fact that you only talk about current events as reported in the Enquirer as long as you don’t twirl your hair or bite your nails.)

10. Ask before borrowing things.

(Muzikal edit: An uneducated person would phrase this as “don’t steal”. Stealing is a sure sign of ignorance.)

11. Keep your possessions neat and organized. Don’t chew on your pens or break apart your things.

(Muzikal edit: Likewise, don’t piss on the carpet, chew on the furniture or wear a thong on your head. Of course, if you went to college, you would already know this. Strike that…most people learn to do those things while attending college.)

12. Choose a cellphone ringtone that will not embarass you if it rings in front of other people.

(Muzikal edit: If you’re taking this article seriously, I would consult a friend on this one…your instincts can’t be trusted. Barry Manilow ringtones will never let you down. I would suggest The Copacabana. The best move is to choose a ringtone that doesn’t embarrass you but causes others to be embarrassed for you.)

13. Have a pen, some paper, some quarters, a bus ticket, and $20 with you at all times.

(Muzikal edit: This is my favorite…you drive to the party, feed the parking meter with quarters, get sloppy drunk and take the bus home. Then use the $20 to get a cab to take you to your car the next morning. The pen and paper come in handy when writing your suicide note once you remember all the things you did the night before. That just screams “I’m educated!”)

14. Be polite. Say “hello,” “please,” “thank you,” “sorry,” and “excuse me.”

(Muzikal edit: Not all in the same sentence lest you appear neurotic. I use the phrase “excuse me” quite often. It always makes me appear educated because those with intelligence don’t try to blame the dog.)

Tips
(Muzikal edit: Tips? What was everything up to this point?)

“¢ Practice these rules at home until they become instinctive.

(Muzikal edit: Yes, it takes practice not to be a moron)

“¢ Pay attention to your surroundings.

(Muzikal edit: Good point. You risk looking like a total moron if you discuss quantum physics while standing in the toilet…I’ve heard)

“¢ Exhibit your personality, style, and charisma. Always wear a smile.

(Muzikal edit: A smile is the absolute minimum…always accessorize the smile with garments such as pants.)

“¢ Be prepared (see numbers 8, 9, and 14).

(Muzikal edit: This one works…scout’s honor. Also, the bidet is not a drinking fountain)

Warnings
Never build a false image for yourself or pretend to be something you aren’t.

(Muzikal edit: In other words: Disregard everything you’ve read to this point.)

“¢ Never, ever try to act superior or smater than the other person.

(Muzikal edit: The word “smater” was actually misspelled in the original article. I wonder if the author knows how to spell “irony”. So, if you actually are more intelligent than the person to whom you are speaking; be sure to “dumb it down”)

“¢ Try not to annoy people.

(Muzikal edit: Well, doesn’t that just sum it up? Maybe I’ll just stay home from now on)

“¢ Never use profanity.

(Muzikal edit: Damn)

“¢ If you don’t understand something, clarify it immediately, before the other person asks you a question about it.

(Muzikal edit: Yes, you will look educated if you constantly ask what the heck your conversation partner is talking about. Conversely, if you’re going to BS someone, make sure they don’t know what you’re talking about either.)

“¢ Don’t gossip.

(Muzikal edit: Unless it’s really good stuff)

“¢ Before telling a joke or making a statement, ask yourself if it may offend someone.

(Muzikal edit: You don’t trust yourself enough to just be yourself but you’re going to trust your judgment on this issue?)

“¢ Be careful not to come across as rude when changing the subject.

(Muzikal edit: Just say “…but enough about you, let’s talk about me.”)

“¢ Never compromise your values.

(Muzikal edit: As long as your values don’t go against putting on an act to impress people).

Look, if you want to appear educated; you should probably get an education.

Do They Have Rosetta Stone For Accountant?

2008-04-29T04:49:55Z

I work two jobs. Not a full time with a moonlit part time gig but two full time positions at the same place. I perform my duties simultaneously so I need to be as efficient as possible. I also have two different bosses. The good thing is that they pay no attention to me and let me do my job as I see fit.
I couldn’t ask for better working conditions. In fact, if I didn’t need a paycheck I would probably do this for free. I like it that much.
Until today.
We’re nearing the end of our fiscal year which means I need to do a budget for each of my departments. That’s two budgets when I loathe the thought of even doing one.
I don’t get the whole accounting thing. I’m going to give them a piece of paper with all the things I would like to have next year and they will send it back and tell me to trim the fat. Okay…I can do that. I will then send them a thinner piece of paper with all the things I need for the upcoming year. They will send it back and tell me to need less. So I will send them a less needy piece of paper and they will approve it.
As we trudge through the year, I will spend the same amount of money I originally projected and they will fault me for being over budget. So the idea of a budget is to form scapegoats.
I’m just sayin…

It Finally Happened

2008-04-27T23:21:01Z

Muzikdude.com got hacked.

I guess this site isn’t the mighty binary fortress I thought. Actually, it’s my webhost. They fly this banner that touts their services as “hacker safe” but I think “hacker friendly” is closer to the truth. I know 3 other sites that host with this company and all but one have been hacked in the last two weeks. Of course, the hosting company tells all of us that it’s our fault because our security is set incorrectly, but the hacker uploaded files while signed in as a system user.

So if you’re looking for a webhost; be sure to check into their security.

Also, since I’m still with HostExcellence.com I decided to exercise restraint by not mentioning their name.

Dog Day

2008-04-19T21:58:23Z

I suck. Yeah, I haven’t written in, like, 6 months. Actually, I have been writing just not here. Besides, I’ve been busy with truly important things such as putting criminals behind bars.

It’s true; I was recently served with a subpoena to testify for the people of Colorado in a high profile court case. I was amazed that my testimony was so important, especially when I couldn’t even remember witnessing anything. The subpoena didn’t reference the charges; only the defendant, so my imagination began to run wild with what this trial might be about. I pictured Tony Soprano and company staring me down while I turned state’s evidence about their latest “thing”. However, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember seeing anything exciting.

I couldn’t stand the suspense and called the district attorney’s office with hope they could shed light on the enigma. After an extensive search of the court’s database I was told I would testify in a case of Dog At Large.

It all came back to me, slowly, like the rising tide. I had signed a piece of paper stating I saw a Black Labrador roaming the streets of our neighborhood. Others neighbors claimed to know who owned the animal but the alleged perp categorically denied the accusation and stated that his dog was still in his house.

This went on daily for almost three weeks. My understanding is that there was eventually enough evidence that the dog owner was served with a citation. The guy decided that he didn’t want to pay the fine and opted for a court trial.

So I showed up to court on the specified date only to find that I was the only person there to represent the hood. Upon checking the docket posted outside the courtroom, I realized the case wasn’t listed so I showed my subpoena to the DA. He said that case was actually scheduled for the prior week to which the defendant didn’t show so they rescheduled for the date of my subpoena. Unfortunately, my papers commanded me to show at 1:00pm but the case was actually on the morning docket. Again…no defendant.

The DA said they had issued a bench warrant and planned to pick the guy up at home during the week sometime. So this guy is going to jail because he refuses to admit his dog got loose and he was too irresponsible to show up to the trial HE requested. Now aside from wondering how the DA’s office can rise to such a level of ineptness I need to know what this guy is going to tell his cell mate when the inevitable question of “whatcha in for” arises.

I guess there was an initial court date for which my presence was not requested but other neighbors showed. These were the people that said they knew he was the owner of the dog. One of them lives directly across the street from the man and they say that since the trial, he has had a telescope aimed at their front window.

I have to admit - if I lived there I would suddenly begin walking around nude and point a telescope back at his house with a sign requesting he strip down as well. Regardless…I think I’ll be applying for the witness protection program.

Wow

2008-04-16T05:12:15Z

Ever have one of those days where you remember you have a blog? Then you go to look at it to make sure it hasn’t burned to the ground and see something as embarrassing as a Christmas post.

Instant mortification.

So, I’m working on more stuff because I want to start posting for my readers again - both of you.

Hang in there. It’s just around the bend.

Jolly Old Saint Nick

2007-12-12T04:28:04Z

A repost from days of yore…cuz it’s good and I don’t have time…hell, I even reposted the comments.

Santa gives me the creeps.
He knows when I am sleeping.
He knows when I’m awake.
He knows if I’ve been bad or good.
He’s a voyeur for goodness sake.

That’s right, the big pervert is so jolly because his propensity for pedophilia is largely ignored by the world but I’m wise to him and I know his deviance goes far beyond children.

Let’s play “Find Santa’s Hands”…
A drunken Santa is Seen here with his brainwashed “elves”. The promiscuous elf on Santa’s right is clearly “into it” while the other appears to be a bit coerced. I’m sure there will be a film on the internet before the new year.

Looks like Santa has an “open mind”

Oh…Santa no…

He’s a sick man, this Santa Claus.

Hey kids! Want to play a word game? What other words can be formed from the letters in SANTA? How about S-A-T-A-N? Now lets juggle the letters in CLAUS? We get L-U-C-A-S! Lucas is a derivation of Lucifer used by those who worship the Devil….Satan Lucifer is bringing toys to your house. Why is it that he wants us sleeping when he gets there? I shudder when I imagine what he does to us in our sleep. But we all know that he doesn’t actually bring us gifts. He just sits around watching us all year, making lists about our behavioral patterns. Much like your therapist. And, just like your therapist, Santa is all about greed. He doesn’t care about you. The children of poverty get squat for Christmas while the rich kids get Volvos and BMWs. But the rich kids’ gifts don’t come from Santa, they come from their flashy, pompous rich parents. That’s right…their parents. They get those great gifts so they can rub your nose in it. The very idea of Santa breeds hate. He never even has to visit your house. Bottom line; he doesn’t give…not to you, not to anyone. He put’s everyone on the naughty list. Think about it; who can live up to his impossible standards? Santa is evil. What I want to know is how does the big guy get his income?

Santa’s making bank somewhere…Hey Nick, where did you get all of those toys? Can we say ‘Larceny’? What are we smuggling inside the stuffed animals fat boy? That’s right…drugs…

What’s in the pipe…Santa?

Where did the stories of flying reindeer come from? The reindeer are strung out on hallucinogens, folks, pure and simple. Yeah…Santa’s magic alright…

Shall we address the issue of the North Pole? That’s the address he uses to keep the DEA off of his trail. You can’t grow decent pot at the North Pole… even in a greenhouse. Santa owns a poppy farm in the Dominican Republic. So, some things about Santa are true…he’s in the export business - he has an interest in children - he’s interested in naughty people - he breaks into houses…Maybe we should think about these things as we lie to our children. Santa is real alright…a real creep. Let’s not play him up as some sort of hero. Santa has polluted society with his liberal ways long enough it’s time to break the cycle.