My Bayou Vieux

The men didn't take me down. They lit a fire!

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Fri, 20 Oct 2017 18:42:00 +0000

This is a story of an incident at work that I have shared personally a few times. Now that time has passed, I feel it is time to share it publicly. This happened the summer of 2016.

At the time of this incident, I had been working almost 20 years in several different industries for several different companies. Never had I encountered what happened to me in this story in all those years.

It was my 6th year at this particular company. I had been bypassed a few times for a management position due to the good old boys game. I just let it go. Because I didn't see myself going anywhere on the team I was on, I decided to look elsewhere in the department. There was one particular guy I would not go work for. His name for this story will be KS. He had the worst reputation in the department as not only a horrible person to work for, but notching his headboard with the young girls in the department. You will hear more about him later.

I landed in a new area for a guy who was my customer. He was so excited to have me on board. I changed to his team to learn something new and within 5 months on the job as a project manager, I was promoted to supervisor of a development team. Within a year, I was promoted again to Manager of a development team.

He and I got along splendidly. We worked well together and became friends. During my 2 years with him, I had to have a few private conversations with him about the way he treated some of the women on our team. Since we were close, he seemed quite receptive to our discussions. He even said he would read a book I recommended. Some of things I discussed with him is how he bragged in meetings with vendors about making a woman in another department cry. Another one was letting all our India employees go to India for extended stays except one woman who he just didn't care for as much. He made a joke at a staff meeting in front of everyone that she was not allowed to go to India for an extended stay. The kicker was, in private he had already told us managers he was going to really tell her she was not granted the same right as everyone else. I discussed how that was not fair practice and also inappropriate to joke about at a staff meeting.

As time went on, he one day ridiculed me in front of my peers about my kids. Now, he often said he knew what it was like to be a single mom because he and his wife had three kids and there wasn't enough of both of them to go around. I used to just ignore those comments. This time, a few of us were getting promoted and needed to write our bios for him to send out in the announcement. The bio includes your work history. There was a period of time that I stayed home with my kids and freelanced. So for that period of time in my bio I started the paragraph with "While raising my kids, . . ." In our leadership team meeting, he said, "The bios are ready to go out and of course Amy had to talk about her kids." I shot him a questioning look and said, "No I didn't." He said, "Yes you did. There was a line about raising them and I removed it. We have all raised kids Amy. It's no big deal." Needless to say, I was infuriated. I was so upset by his ridicule that I wouldn't even look at him the rest of the meeting.

He tried to come and talk to me after but I told him I could not talk to him at that moment. I felt like my head was going to explode. In truth, I was ready to quit. It was a Friday when this happened and I had the worst weekend. I cried all weekend. I felt betrayed, ridiculed and disrespected. This man had no idea what it was like to be me. He had no idea what it was like to be a single mom or work from home to raise kids for part of your career. His words told me he had no respect for the most important job in my life and therefore I realized I could not respect him as a person.

On Monday he called me to his office. He said he was so upset that I wouldn't talk to him that he called the CIO and HR over the weekend. He didn't know what to do. So once again I had to school him on his inappropriate words. Over time things smoothed out between us but I would pay for this incident months later.

Jump ahead about 6 months. This guy I worked for is leaving the company. I found out that KS (See 3rd paragraph above) will now be my boss. While I had never personally worked with him on anything at all, I knew enough about his issues at work and how many times HR had to get involved. There is no other way to define him other than he is a pure asshole.

With my boss leaving, the natural next in line for his position is myself and the other manager on our team. She was younger than me by 10 years but just as mature, capable and experienced as me; if not more! I strongly felt she should get the job.

Typically, when a position on a team opens up, they encourage anyone currently on the team to apply and usually interview them out of a courtesy; especially if they are inline to get promoted. My co-manager and I expected this to happen. One day during a routine call with KS, he tells us that he wants us to meet with a candidate he has selected to fill the open position. We both sorta look at each other. She puts the phone on mute and says, "Did you know anything about this?" I shook my head no.

After our call, she and I discuss. We didn't even know the job was listed. Nothing! This was not normal protocol. So I volunteer (being the more outspoken one) to shoot an email off to KS to find out more.

I inquire about the job listing and why were were not notified. I get a reply back from him basically saying we are welcome to apply if we want. I have to send another email back asking for the job reference number because after her and I both look in the system, we can't find it. He sends us back a number and it is listed under a title that we would have never guessed or discovered. We believe in hopes that we would not apply.

After reading the job description, I get on the phone and call him. I have questions. Is this the same job? Is the job changing? Etc, etc. He says, its the same, he just stuck it under that job title because he already had a job created in the system and it was easier. (I knew enough about how that all worked to know that was a lie.) He then added, "You gals can apply, but you won't get it. I already have someone selected." I asked why we would not get the job. He said, "Because you both need grooming on how to be managers." I said goodbye and hung up. I was infuriated again!

How could someone that has never worked with me in any capacity what so ever know that I needed grooming as a manager? I had just received the highest rating from my team in the entire department of almost 400 people. I had received an 86% satisfaction from my team. The next highest in the department was in the 60% range. I gave it some thought and realized that he had never even been in a meeting with me (outside required dept. meetings for everyone or leadership meetings) for a project or anything in the 6 years I had worked there.

So naturally, I sent off a well worded email inquiring about his knowledge of my skills, management style, work history and need for grooming. I questioned if he had even seen my resume? I ended the email with that I would bet money that the person he was going to hire was a male that was his buddy because this wasn't my first rodeo.

Well, he didn't like that email and scheduled a meeting the next morning at 8am with HR. He was particularly offended by the "wasn't my first rodeo" sentence because he brought it up. I repeatedly questioned why myself or my co-manager were not qualified. He had no real answer other than we needed grooming because were weren't real managers. I kept asking why. All he could say was he just knew. Well, naturally, that wasn't a good enough answer for me.

So I pushed further. Finally, the HR lady said that I needed to work on my image. To which I looked at her in shock. I asked her to elaborate. She said I didn't have a good reputation in our department. I laughed. I stated my recent high satisfaction score with my team. I also brought up that the VP of Marketing who was my client on my old team requested from the CIO 50% of my time to come lead a project for her. So where is there a problem with my image? She couldn't say. I asked what was in my employee record. She said nothing. I asked her to give me examples. KS stepped in and said that the word around the water cooler was that I was difficult to manage. I laughed again. I said, show me that in my employee record because I have had nothing but "Exceed Expectations" in the six years that I worked there. KS countered with I have not been evaluated properly. I shot back that I have had 4 different bosses in the 6 years that I worked there and they all evaluated me wrong. He said yes.

I was so angry. I went off on how I was right though. (I had confirmation his friend was getting the job and he ultimately did) He was hiring his buddy and that it was a good ole boys club where only friends get the job. He said I was wrong and told me to go home and think about if I wanted to work there anymore. I stood up and said, "I don't have to think about it. I will find a job and leave." I walked out of that office, got in my car and cried the whole way home.

My parents were at my house visiting. I just cried on my porch with them. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't quit but I also couldn't work for this guy.

Then, something occurred to me. I got out my phone and dialed my old boss who just left. As soon as he said hello, I said, "What did you tell them during your exit interview?"

He admitted he told them I was difficult to manage because I called him out on the treatment of women and his comments about my kids. He also told them that neither myself or my co-manager were of the caliber to replace him. I hung up. I was mortified. How could he do that to us. He basically sabotaged us. Two women who were dedicated to him and the team. Two women who gave our all. Two women who supported him in difficult times the dept faced.

A fire lit within me and I refused to believe this bullshit. I was better than this garbage they were spewing and I knew it. I have never had issues anywhere I worked. I have never even met with HR before in my career. No one in 20 years of my career ever told me I was difficult to work with, let alone manage! I wasn't going to let the fact that I spoke up for myself and other women be the end of me.

I made finding a job my second job. I put endless effort into it. I put 90% of my time in the project for the VP of marketing and let my team run on autopilot. I didn't care anymore. My team handled it just fine as I had all processes in place for them already.

I was determined to find a kick ass job and knock the project for the VP of Marketing out of the park.

And I did.

I landed an incredible job at a global company; a company I had been trying to get into for five years. I knocked the project out of the park for the VP. So much so that when I gave my notice that I was leaving she contacted me the same day and offered me a job to come work for her.

The icing on the cake was when the interim CIO asked me to go to lunch before I left. He and I had always gotten along. He was on his way out too. He was there to fill the void until they found a permanent CIO. He knew my work ethic, skill set etc. He was the one who the VP of Marketing went to requesting my help on her project. So we had many interactions, he sat in many meetings I lead, etc.

During that lunch we talked about a lot of personal things around growing up, family, etc. Near the end, he said to me, "I know what happened. What you need to know is that there are people at this company who are like high school jocks. They have never grown up. This company does not do justice for women. I have been working 40 years in this industry and this is one of the worst places for women in leadership. Where you are going will benefit you in the long run. What happened is a glitch. Put it behind you and forget it ever happened. That is not who you are. If you ever in need a reference, call me. It will be my pleasure."

That day the self-doubt that was lingering left. It's like the sun came out and everything was ok.

Divorce Part 7 - Finding Love Again

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Wed, 23 Apr 2014 02:00:00 +0000

It’s been written in the scars on our hearts / That we’re not broken just bent / And we can learn to love again - Pink

I’ll never forget the reaction I got from one person who found out I was dating again after my divorce. She told me I should take some time for myself like she did. She told me she stayed single for a year to prove she could be on her own and support herself.

First, I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. Secondly, I have been on my own before and supported myself while single. Finally, I wasn’t looking for someone to support me and my kids. I had been doing that already. I was constantly saving our asses financially the best I could while dealing with Scott’s job losses and business failures.

I wanted companionship. I felt like I had been single for two years or more already.

One month after I decided to get divorced I joined Match.com. I wasn't looking for a relationship. I wanted someone to talk to. Someone in a similar situation with whom I could be friends. I didn't want to go to bars. I didn't want to get involved with someone from work. I didn't have any single guy friends outside of work locally so . . . Match.com it was.

I spent a couple months just emailing with guys exchanging divorce stories. Occasionally, I would text with a few. I met a few for lunch or a drink. The funny thing was, I wasn't desperate and if they showed any trace of my Ex's personality or behaviors I stopped being friends with them. I wasn't about to even waste my time or energy.

Then, one night I got an email from Match with "potential matches" within my area. I took a look. On the side of the page were just other random people outside of my designated area. I clicked on one of them. I read his profile. Studied his only photo of himself - a selfie - and then sent a wink to him. He sent me an email via Match introducing himself. I replied back and then didn’t hear from him again.

I was intrigued by Ed based on what he wrote and his one single photo of himself. He obviously held the camera out in front of himself while grinning in a faded blue t-shirt with a tattered collar and one of his closet doors open behind him. It told me so much about him. Here was this guy who wrote about how he lived all over the world, retired from the Navy, was looking for someone to just get him out and have fun. But, his photo said I am not into image. Take me as I am. It made me chuckle.

Finally, I got an email from him saying he was on vacation. We texted for 2 hours the very first night. He just kept making me laugh. I loved it. He just seemed so genuine, quirky, funny, sincere.

We spent the next two weeks talking everyday on the phone and texting all day long. It was the most I had talked to anyone I met on Match. After two weeks, we finally decided to meet. We met at a restaurant and he instantly hugged me. We both agreed we were nervous. I was more nervous meeting him than anyone else I had previously met from Match. We had dinner and at one point I said, "Can I hold your hand?" I just felt like I needed to touch him. I loved his eyes, his smile, his skin color. His hands were so soft but he was shaking a little. It was when he started singing along (loudly) to the song "Time of my life" by Patrick Swayze that I looked at him, laughed and thought to myself “this guy is different”.

So began our relationship. At first it was mostly by phone. I didn't have a lot of free time and wasn't on the every-other-weekend schedule yet with the kids. I think it was 6 more weeks before we went out again.

I was amazed at how fearless he was about my situation. He was taking a huge risk. I wasn't divorced and was just at the beginning of the process. For all he knew I could have changed my mind and decided to go back to my ex. I once asked him why he took that chance and how he knew that I wouldn’t change my mind. He told me because there was a time he was with me when Scott was giving me hell via text and he said he could see the hurt in my eyes. He said he knew I was done with him.

There were many times that he saw that hurt. He held me up throughout the entire process. There were times I was crying and blubbering on the phone so hard that he had to tell me to slow down because he couldn’t understand me. There were times I showed up at his place in tears. I even had a telephone code setup with him too because divorces can cause people to get violent and unreasonable. I sometimes feared that Scott would hurt me. So Ed knew if I dialed him two times in a row and didn’t say anything when he answered that he needed to come quick.

I look back at the early days and realize how much he took care of me. While I wasn’t looking for someone to take care of me and the kids and support us, I did find someone to take care of me emotionally. It was a life saver. I am not sure how I would have made it through the divorce like I did had he not been there to hold me up.

My mom used to ask me what Ed said or thought about some of the crap that was going on during my divorce. The truth of the matter is he didn’t have a lot of opinions. Or should I say he didn’t share them with me unless I pressed him to do so. He left me to the decision making. He would occasionally offer things to consider or think about. However, when it came down to it, he left it all up to me. He stood there supporting me along the way and helping me move forward. And despite how badly Scott treated me, he rarely said nasty things about him.

During the early days, his goal was always to make me smile. He told me that too. He tried to make our time together as stress free and calm as possible. He wanted me to smile and relax. I remember a lot of dinners out and lying on his couch watching movies. Sometimes I would just nap at his house. He would let me sleep because the stress would get to me more than I realized.

One time he said, “We need to get out of town.” He let me pick. I wanted to go to the beach even though it was winter. I knew the beach would be relaxing. So he booked a weekend at Orange Beach. We talked and sang to the radio the whole drive there. When we got there we spent three days wandering around the shops, eating out, renting movies, playing multiple games of putt-putt and walking the beach. We did whatever we felt like. My favorite was the night I woke up in the middle of the night with a belly ache and asked him if we could just sit on the balcony. So there we sat wrapped in blankets on the balcony and talked while we looked out over the moon reflecting on the ocean.

It was so completely different from traveling anywhere with Scott. Ed was so calm. It was like night and day. In fact, I had to get used to not being on guard when I was out with Ed like I had to be with Scott. With Scott I was always worried something would set him off or go wrong that would cause an uproar – like u-turns or not so perfect service.

The thing that made me the most happy was that Ed insisted and preached to me that my kids always come first before him. That was probably the only thing he had a very strong opinion on and wouldn’t waver. I never had to feel like I had to make a choice between my kids and him. He made it for me. He always told me “You are worth waiting for.”.

It was almost a year before I introduced him to my kids. We had a plan that we followed. We would slowly introduce him. We went to extremes sometimes to make it happen. It was thought out and gradual. Now, almost 3 years later, the kids like him, he vacations with us and we still only see each other every other weekend. On the weekends I have the kids, he sometimes spends at least one day with us doing something but not always. It works for us and that is all that matters.

My brother told me one day that I went from one extreme to another in men. I have to agree with him. I wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice. I have learned that the little things I thought I could live with in Scott when we were in our mid-twenties (job hopping, not valuing his family, not paying bills very well, his desire to be rich and his arrogant personality) became BIG issues as we got older.

So when I met Ed I saw the opposite. He once asked me what attracted me to his Match profile. I said it was because he actually accomplished something – a 20 year career in the Navy. I was serious. He also had taken care of himself all that time – like paying bills. He called him mom and twin sister every day! He adored his family and was close to them. He helped his mom care for his dad his last two years of battling cancer. He saved his money and didn’t care about status. Arrogant wasn’t a word I think anyone would ever use to describe Ed.

Most of all, Ed became my valiant protector. He protected me and my heart. He still does. I always thought I was this strong, independent person who didn’t need anyone to take care of me. What I didn’t realize is that every woman needs someone to take care of them emotionally, regardless of how well they can support themselves financially.

It wasn't always easy finding love again. I had a lot of bitterness and betrayal to deal with. Many times I took it out on Ed. He stood strong and was secure enough in himself to realize it wasn't him. He understood I needed to heal.

I often get asked if I would marry again. Maybe. I am not that bitter about marriage. The next question is when will Ed and I get married. I can’t answer that. We joke it will be when both kids are graduated from college. We say until then we will continue living in our respective homes and seeing each other on every other weekend.

It works for us. We are both happy. I often ask in return “What is the rush?”

UPDATE 10/1/2016 - Ed and I went our separate ways. He was not interested in moving in or getting married. After 5 years of dating, I felt it was time. So, we split up. I wanted someone that wanted to be with the kids and I full-time and he did not want that.

Divorce Part 6 - After the move out

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 23:38:00 +0000

"Might not have so far to go / Just to leave the mess behind / I see the sun coming up / I know it's worth believing" The Used

A lot happened after the move out. The next year was a year of adjustments. We had to figure out how to take care of the kids as a divorcing couple. It was a trying time as well.

I let him continue to get the kids off the bus and come into my house and start homework with them as he always did. This caused many issues. He was always going through my stuff - mail, paperwork, looking in my room, etc. He thought I was too stupid not to notice. He even opened a gift card I had hidden behind something on the windowsill to see who it was from. My son was upset because it was a Starbucks gift card for his birthday from the kids. So of course I heard about the snooping from my son.

He made comments about fresh flowers I had at the house. He even accused me of having a party one weekend when he had the kids. Why? He had to stop at the house for something one of the kids forgot. I wasn't home. He went into my son's room and found one of my shoes in the middle of the room! I swear I laughed about that one forever! I have no idea how it got there but it was ONE shoe and perhaps the dog drug it in there? Who knows and who cares? Most importantly, how does that indicate a party?

He still comes to my house after school a few days a week. I had to threaten to not allow him into the house anymore and would change the locks if he didn't leave my stuff alone. He finally stopped and for the most part it works now. It is good for the kids.

Then, there was the legal stuff. I hired a lawyer. He represented himself. So he paid ZERO dollars for the divorce. He thought he was a lawyer and wanted all kinds of crazy shit. My lawyer laughed at him. She wanted to know where he got some of his demands and requests. He would threaten me constantly. I just kept plugging forward legally.

There were lots of fights and I was regularly called a bully. He wasn't getting his way like he was used to and therefore I was a bully. Interestingly enough, it was him that was acting bullish. I was simply implementing boundaries and legally proceeding. He did not want me to use a lawyer. He wanted him and I to write up our own agreement. I am glad I didn't go that route.

Then, there was the insanity. He demanded to speak to the children every single night. He would get so irate if I missed a night. Well, sometimes I was busy with them at night and forgot or just didn't have time. It was a big change for us and it required adjustment learning to balance getting home at 6 pm, dinner, homework, bedtime. For awhile my son threw hour long or longer fits at night before bedtime. It was hard for me to deal with. I was often just mentally exhausted at night.

Well, one night during a massive fit with my son, Scott kept calling. I answered angrily and told him it wasn't a good time and to relax. He proceeded to text me. I told him to back off, put my phone in my room on the charger and silenced it. I didn't need him on me while I was trying to get my son to settle.

About an hour later, my son was settled and asleep. I was in my daughter's room tucking her in when there was a knock at my door. It was 9:30 pm. My dog went crazy barking. I flicked on the light and there in the dark with a flashlight was the Sheriff. I answered the door. He told me that my husband called them to check on his kids. I was not answering the phone, and he thought they might be in danger. My response was "Are you kidding me?" He asked if the kids and I were ok. I said I was just fine. My daughter was behind me, and he saw her. I turned around and asked her to go back to her room. I stepped outside and closed the door behind me. He said, "I am so sorry to bother you on a school night at this hour, ma'am." My reply "He is no longer my husband, nor does he live here anymore. We are getting divorced." He said, "We will make note ma'am. We have on record that he contacted us before." I asked "He did?" He said, "Yes ma'am, he wanted us to escort him here to check on his kids because I wouldn't let him come by one day. We told him we don't do that." I shook my head in disbelief and wished him a good night.

I checked my phone and had 30 missed calls and text messages threatening to call the police. I went into my daughter's room and had to comfort her. She heard us talking she said and asked why Daddy called the police. "I don't know" was the only answer I could give her. She was very frightened.

Things got better as time went on. Craziness ensued on occasion. My kids did relatively well considering. I am very proud of them.

GO TO PART 7

Divorce Part 5 - 5 months till move out

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Tue, 28 Jan 2014 16:55:00 +0000

"So I made up my mind / Made up my mind / Gonna move on ahead / Instead of lagging behind - David Grey

After I found out about the affair, there was no turning back. My mind was made up. I recently spoke with a friend who went through a divorce and she said once she made up her mind finally to take the leap it was like a light switch went off. There was no way she could go back. That is a great way to describe it.

We agreed that he would move out January 1. That meant we would live together for 5 months. We had some financial things to take care of first before we split residences.

This became a very difficult time. We slept in separate rooms. He hated this and would sometimes beg me to come sleep in the same bed with him. It was pretty pathetic.

We basically worked and took care of the kids. We did not speak to each other unless it was about the kids.

I also did not wear my wedding ring anymore. As far as I was concerned, I wasn't married anymore. This drove him crazy! He continued to wear his. I refused. I put it back in the box and tucked it to the back of a shelf in my armoir. At one point he accused me of pawning it. I am not sure why he thought that but I often didn't understand the way he thought. He got so aggressive about me pawning it I ultimately had to show him that I still had it. He claimed it was community property and if I pawned it I owed him half the money. Honestly, that didn't even cross my mind, but this is the insanity of his brain. The things he would be concerned about.

Several weeks later he accused me of stealing his passport. (He was planning a trip with Kari out of the country I now know). I asked him why he needed it suddenly? He said none of my business. I then asked why would I want to steal it? He said nothing and just started digging around. He found it of course.

It occurred to me one day to check on my ring in it's hidden spot. It was gone. The box was there but the ring was missing. I confronted him. He acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. I gave him 24hrs to return it. I probably put some ultimatum on the line but don't recall what it was. The next day I was outside with the kids and he walked out and said, "I found your ring." I said, "Oh yeah, where?" He said, "Go look in your room. You had it hidden in the back of the drawer wrapped up in a nightgown." WHAT? Insane I tell you. I went in my room and he literally had staged it like he was looking for it. He pulled the drawer out of the dresser and dumped it's contents on the bed. There sitting on the foot board ledge was my ring. Now, tell me how my ring got out of it's box in the armoir and made it's way into the back of my dresser drawer wrapped in a nightgown?

Yeah, my thoughts exactly.

Other things happened. During a fight one time he said he recorded things I had said during a previous fight and would use it against me in court. I lunged at him to grab his phone he was waving in my face and he jumped backwards hitting his elbow on the edge of the towel rack. I gave him a knee to the thigh and walked away. He left the house and drove to the police station to file a domestic violence report. He came back and claimed they were at the corner waiting for his call to come arrest me if I harmed him again. I left the house for the weekend. It was worse then it had ever been.

He becaming raging jealous. He started looking at my phone when I wasn't in the room. I was never like him where I had my phone on my person 24/7. I had to start keeping it with me at all times and locking it down. He would hear me on the phone and hear a male voice. He would confront me right there on the spot. It was my dad!

I befriended another guy online who was going through a divorce. He lived locally and we shared a mutual friend, but we never met in person. We talked a lot about our divorce and kids. We shared a similar profession. One day he texted me while I was cutting the grass and I had my phone on the bumper of my car. Scott walked out and picked up and saw the contents of the text message that said simply "Just got home. You watching the game tonight?" That was it. I was having an affair with this guy. I didn't hear the end of it.

So one weekend I made plans to stay downtown with a friend. Scott was convinced it was this guy he saw the text from. The guy has a unique name and he looked him up online and called his house. His ex wife still lived there and Scott told her we were spending the weekend together. He had called every hotel downtown asking to be transferred to this guy's room. One hotel transferred him to a room so he was convinced that is where we were. The guy texted me the next day and said "What the hell is going on? Why is he contacting my ex wife?" I apologized and said he is going crazy. I asked if he happened to be downtown the night before and he said he was not. He also told me that he couldn't talk to me anymore because his divorce was civil and he did not need anyone messing it up. We never talked again. However, I never heard the end of this guy I have never met in my life from Scott.

I started going to see a counselor. More just to talk then seek help. It was good for me. She didn't give advice really but just listened and asked questions. She gave perspective sometimes that helped digest what was happening. One time he asked to come with me to talk to her. I didn't want this of course. He wanted to talk to her about how to tell the kids about the divorce. I thought this was stupid. It was our decision and we were capable of figuring that out. He insisted that I was being selfish and again threatened to hold it against me in court if I didn't seek out this professional opinion. ugh. Always threatening me.

So I gave in.

I told her he was coming. He wore a suit of course! I walked in and sat down in my usual spot on the couch across from her desk where she sat. He sat in the chair. He did all the talking. I just sat there. He asked her about how to tell the kids. Her response was "You two are very intelligent people. You know your kids better than anyone else. There is no right or wrong way. Just tell them the truth. Don't sugar coat it." So that was that and he spent the rest of our hour giving her an ear full about me.

On the way out the door, she called me back in and said "Can you please setup an appt with me to meet next week by yourself?" I went in the following week and she had a lot to say this time. She talked about my demeanor with him present. She said that at first she was confused by my behavior as it was not similar to our previous appointments. I was sitting there with my arms and legs crossed, coat still on and staring at her the whole time. She noticed my body was twisted away from him. After he just kept talking, it occurred to her that it was him. His presence had a profound effect on me. She said that his personality was so apparent to her and that I could choose to stay with him and work through it with him. Or, I could just leave him. This was the first time she ever said anything like that. She warned me that someone with his personality would not change unless he wanted to and it would require years of therapy/work. She said, I should not feel guilt leaving him if that was the decision I made. She also said, that based on her perception of his personality, the reason he wanted to meet with her was to get his jabs at me, not to ask about the kids. She believes he can't stand that I was talking to her about him and he wanted his opportunity to tell her about me.

The holidays were approaching. I don't recall what we did for Thanksgiving at all. I do know that he went on a cruise with Kari for 10 days right before Christmas. He literally came home on Dec. 23rd. He of course said it was for work. I could have given two shits where he was and if he ever returned. My family was all at my house. They all knew at this point too. It was sorta uncomfortable but more for him than me. The reason I know about his cruise is because he never went away for 10 days for work, I literally didn't even get a text about the kids from him one time, she worked for a luxury cruise line out of Ft. Lauderdale, he needed his passport, I found receipts for the Ritz Carlton in Ft. Lauderdale in our luggage and finally, tell me the last time you heard of any work convention taking place for 10 days before Christmas? I swear he thought I was a complete fool.

It is important to note here that during these 5 months he begged me to not end it and then finally asked me to let him stay and continue to live with us. He proposed we could lead separate lives and maintain the home for the kids. He used to try to guilt me in that he couldn't afford a nice place to live and that he would have to live in a cave. He said the kids can't see him living in a shoebox. Blah, blah, blah, blah.... I didn't care and I didn't give in. He said I was evil because I didn't care if he was on the street. I didn't. Once I found the receipts to the Ritz, I sent him a picture of them via text and said, "For someone who says he wants to make things right, you sure didn't pass up the opportunity to take a 10-day cruise with your mistress!" And I just laughed.

It turns out he got his best friend/boss to get a corporate lease at a fancy place to live. I know how much he was making and his pay would literally be consumed by the rent of this place so there was no way he was paying for it. His credit was so bad he couldn't get a place that would let him rent that would meet his living standards - luxury, pool, fitness room, security, gated, etc. So he worked his magic on someone of means to make it possible for him. That's how he always worked.

We agreed to tell the kids together. We agreed on what we would say. The truth. Except when it came down to it, he took over the conversation and made it sound like it was temporary - not following the professional opinion he sought out. I of course over time had to clean up that mess with my kids.

Like my entire marriage with him. I went behind him with a shovel cleaning up his messes!

GO TO PART 6

Divorce Part 4 - The Back Story

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Sat, 25 Jan 2014 04:22:00 +0000

"Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving / Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving." Rhianna

Things were not right with Scott and I after he got fired about two years after moving to Louisiana and the day before our second child was born. I won't get into all the details of his job loss, jumping and quitting throughout the duration of our relationship. But, this time I had quit my career and was a stay at home mom. I depended on him to make it right this time.

After getting fired, he passed up some decent opportunities (didn't pay enough for what he felt he was worth) and started a business with two other guys. Again, I put my faith in him. I helped him with the business until I was forced to start working and the money was running out. It was very hard for me. I am a gal who needs financial security and every month it was getting harder.

I started doing whatever I could work-wise, considering I had two very young kids and no money for child care. I worked at the preschool my son attended a few hours a week. I worked for an accountant scanning documents for $10/hr. I was freelancing in web design at night and on the weekends.

Finally, I landed a part-time consulting job where I could work from home, and my freelancing started to take off. However, by this time, Scott was not even making an income anymore as the business was failing. Eventually, it closed. I begged him to find anything! I told him to go be a bartender till he got something. He promised me daily but did nothing. Meanwhile, I got a job waiting tables on the weekends. I consulted during the nights after taking care of the kids during the day. I was the only one carrying us with a very unsteady and low income.

By summer, I was ready to leave the marriage. I had enough with how he was letting our life crumble and doing nothing. I know now he was already talking to Kari at this point. One day we got in a huge fight because I wasn't allowed to cry about our financial situation. I left the house after telling him I want to leave our marriage and planned to go home to visit my parents like I did every summer but this time I wasn't coming back. I intended to find a job there and start my life over.

He got desperate and begged me to come home. He drove around town with the kids looking for me. He contacted my friends. He found one at the church and begged her to tell me not to leave.

That was two years prior to me finding out about the affair.

I went to a Beth Moore lecture with my girlfriends about a month after that episode. At the end, Beth said something that struck a cord so hard with me that I sat down in the pew and sobbed. I don't recall what it was but it was something about identifying and ridding the negativity from your life. I knew at that point the negativity that was destroying my life was my husband. It was crystal clear. My friends finally got an earful of the truth of what was my life. Most didn't know how bad it was. How we were on the brink of losing everything. It was very hard to admit out loud what was going on in my life. They were very supportive and held me up the way good friends do and in their own ways.

One friend referred us to marriage counseling. The first time we went, the counselor asked me if I loved him. I sat silent for some time thinking of how to answer. Scott just stared at me in disbelief. I finally answered "I don't know." He was very upset by that. The counselor ultimately told him that he needs to be the man of the family and provide the support that a man should to his family. A wife does not want to bear the burden of everything. She basically told him to get a job and help me out with the home and children.

A month later I landed a full-time job. I also landed a large freelance job. Shortly after, Scott finally got a job. Things were looking up. 3 months later he got fired. He told me the new boss didn't like him because he was a male and she was cleaning house. I now believe it was because he needed to have a valid driver's license for his job. I've since learned he got a ticket that he never paid and then his license was revoked. I learned this from his mother who said they lent him the $650 to pay the ticket fees so he could get his license back but they weren't supposed to tell me because he was afraid I would divorce him.

So again, he was unemployed. He had to take care of the kids because I was working full-time now. After a several months of it he got depressed and needed that weekend getaway with his buddies that I wrote about in a previous post. Ya know, the one where Kari flew him using her miles, he charged $200 on our credit card for hotel room and he didn't go there to sleep with her? While he went out of town, I had to drag the kids to work with me because I couldn't afford childcare. My boss later told me how he thought that was so shitty of Scott to "have to take a vacation" while he was unemployed. I concur.

Eventually, I got a very good job and was back into my career! At the same time, Scott was trying out another business venture with his friend Richard. They kept flying to Florida often to "learn about the industry" and go to conventions. This is also when he interviewed with Kari's company. Even his mom started questioning why he was going to Florida so much. I basically didn't care.

Christmas was always as stressful time for me because Scott always caused issues with my Dad. I begged him this particular Christmas to not start trouble. He promised me he wouldn't.

He did.

After that, I regularly thought about leaving. I basically had one foot out the door. I waivered and thought and thought and thought about it. I talked to others who recently divorced for advice. Most said don't do it because of the kids or save your money for a lawyer fees before you do anything. Every time he called me at work it was trouble. An accident, a ticket, a problem at work, a flat tire, blah, blah, blah. I would cry a lot at work after talking to him. Sometimes I wouldn't take his calls out of fear of what the bad news was.

Our financial situation was getting a little better but still very poor. A car got repossessed and shortly after returned because the payment and court order got crossed in the mail. I was working and trying to repay everything but at the same time he was having an affair and living the life. Everything was Richard. He came home with a pair of shoes. "Oh Richard ordered them online and they didn't fit. So he gave them to me." Or if he was texting while we watched TV, it was Richard about work. I find a Michael Kors cologne bag in the closet. "Richard got it as a gift from a customer and doesn't like how it smells so he gave it to me." Everything that was Kari, was covered up by saying it was Richard. I even caught him on the phone outside behind the shed one night. He was in his pjs. When I approached and said "What are you doing?" he put the phone in his pajama bottoms pocket, and I could see it was still lit up and on. He claimed he was talking to a co-worker who had the "hots" for his buddy. I told him that was the stupidest lie I ever heard and walked away. I just didn't care.

So one day while really having a hard time at work and crying in the break room about my marriage with a female co-worker, a male co-worker who overheard told me he fixed his marriage after 8 years of trouble. So naturally I sought him out privately to find out how. I think I still wanted that last attempt at salvaging before I jumped ship. He gave me advice and encouraged me to try for my kids sake.

We talked a lot via IM about what happened to him and what was happening with me and compared notes. It was hard to talk in person about that stuff at work (very little privacy) and we didn't see each other at all outside of work. So we IM'd daily about how things were going and he suggested new things to try. He repeatedly told me I had to make it work for my kids. So I tried and took a lot of his advice.

One day he said, "You loved him at one time because you married him. Why? Try to go back to that reason." That threw me for a loop. I didn't know why. I couldn't remember why. I went home that day and went for a 2-hour walk and cried because I didn't know why I loved him and married him. The next day, Scott left for his "week-long convention" (aka a Mediterranean cruise with Kari) and I had time to myself at night to think. I was digging through my nightstand looking for a notebook to start writing in and out fell a piece of paper. I started reading it and it was from the year before we moved to Louisiana. I wrote about loving Scott. I was stunned. I didn't remember writing it but I guess I did and there it fell into my hands at a time I needed an answer.

I went to work and immediately IM'd my friend and told him. He was ecstatic for me. He said "When he gets back from his trip go outside on the patio and have a drink together. Just talk." So that was what I did.

And that is when it all started . . .

We talked awhile and he said to me "You have been awful nice lately." I admitted how I was feeling and how I consulted my friend and he was giving me advice. His first question to me was "Do you like this guy?". I just looked at him with a quizzical look on my face and said "No?" He said then why are you talking to him? I explained how it all started and said that the guy was encouraging me to save my marriage. He then said, "Well, I have someone I talk to as well and she has really been supportive and helping me" (Kari!) But he wouldn't tell me who because he said I know her. (Lie. I didn't and still don't.)

That conversation didn't end well and the next day I demanded to know who. I didn't think it was fair that he couldn't tell me and I wondered why. I told him the name of the person I was talking to. I had nothing to hide.

So, since he was being secretive, I started to dig. There was no way in hell I was going to put anymore effort into my marriage at this point if he was cheating. A co-worker heard my story and was convinced he was cheating and encouraged me to keep digging. She told me I had to figure out the password to his phone, and she believed the answer was within. She was right.

He discovered I was digging and got angry at me and started to threaten to call the wife of the guy at work who I was talking to and tell her we were having an affair.

So I finally gave him an ultimatum. Tell me who it is or I will contact every female he knows. He said it was someone he went to college with and she was married to his college buddy so he didn't want to tell me her name. He feared I would get jealous and contact her and cause trouble in her marriage. He told me her husband is a super control freak, that she works for his family's business, and has two daughters. I asked if he ever traveled to where she lives. He said no. I asked if she ever traveled to meet him. He said no and that she can't travel anywhere without his family knowing since she worked for their business.

All of the above was a complete lie.

He described someone else that I did know that wasn't Kari. So I naturally figured it out based on the info above and confronted him about that person. He said, "What if it was? How would you feel?" How the fuck do you think I feel?

I don't recall the conversations after that but I do know it drug out awhile and he ultimately promised to stop talking to her. And important to note, somewhere in that conversation he said he doesn't keep her name in his phone, just her number. He shared he never initiates texting, only she does, because if her husband found out he would kill her. So he waits for her to text.

Between the above incident and the night I checked his phone in the hotel room different things went down. He started cleaning out his nightstand that was stuffed with all kinds of papers, business cards, etc. I had asked him for like a year to clean it out and suddenly he did. I asked him if he was clearing it out so I wouldn't search it and potentially find anything. He got furious at me.

He got a text in the middle of the night and picked up his phone to read it. I pretended to be asleep and could see it was just a phone number, not a name. I confronted him and he got all upset and said it was his cousin sending him porn links. And then he went into this crying fit saying he needed help because he was addicted to porn and that was why he stayed up late at night after I went to bed. I told him I didn't believe him. He put on quite an act. I said, "Then prove it to me. Get help." He never did and I never heard another thing about this porn addiction ever again.

So then comes our night out in the city while the kids are at my parents. He picks me up at work at 5:00 pm. He texted me he was downstairs waiting. We go downtown and end up at a bar owned by his high school buddy, who moved to NOLA too. We eat dinner and drink for a while with them. It's Essence festival weekend so hotel prices are jacked up high but his buddy knew someone at the hotel next door and got us a room for the normal rate of $120 a night.

We weren't planning to spend the night so Scott volunteers to run home and get our stuff. I stay at the bar with his buddy and his wife just hanging out. He arrives back with our stuff and $650 in cash! We were pretty broke so swinging the $120 for the hotel was a stretch. I asked where he got the money and he said Richard always carries around a lot of cash (he is a millionaire) and he gave it to him after work and told him to take me out so we could enjoy ourselves. I was very skeptical . . .

We tried to go out on the town after that but it was miserable. We argued and disagreed about everything. We didn't have fun and just decided to go back to the hotel and sleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night to pee, checked his phone and saw the blank (content deleted) text message at 5:05 pm to a just a number (not a name) with the area code of Ft. Lauderdale - 5 minutes after he texted me he was downstairs at my work to pick me up. He had been to Florida at least 10 times in the past year "for work". My heart sank, my hands quivered and eventually my whole body shook. It was over.

GO TO PART 5

Hurricane Katrina - Our Story - Part 6

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Sat, 11 Jan 2014 06:16:00 +0000

So the adjusters show up. It is a nice sunny day. It is a husband and wife team from Pennsylvania. She examines the inside of the house. He the roof. They seem cordial and all. The apologize for our loss and leave. I feel uneasy. Not sure why.

So now, all we could do was wait . . .

We returned back to Dallas. We still were unsure what our next step was. Do we get an apartment or not? Where is his company going to send us? One day we are going back to New Orleans the next day we are not. In the meantime, things are getting tense at the in-laws.

At one point my mother-in-law had a little bit of a heated discussion that sent me over the edge. She left the house and in the 30 minutes she was gone I packed up every single item we owned that was at their house and moved us out. Remember my husband rented a UHaul to go back to check on the house, well, he brought a lot of stuff back with him.

I had enough room in my Yukon for my daughter to sit in her carseat and me to sit in the driver's seat and I couldn't see out the rearview mirror!

I drove south into Dallas because I knew my husband was working in Dallas. I called him on my cell and asked for directions. I think he was in shock that I made such a drastic move so suddenly but he handled it well and was supportive of my decision despite how rude I was being to his parents. He told me how to get to him and made reservations for us to stay at the hotel directly next door to his temporary office.

We moved in and I settled down. I spent time shopping with my daughter, watching movies, going to Chuck E Cheese and hanging out with my old college roommate Liz. She let me use her washer and dryer and we had dinner over there a few times.

Then, we were told we were to go back to New Orleans. Despite the condition of our home. Hubby's job was returning to the city the following week.

I was on the phone A LOT making preparations for our return home, etc. My best friend Jen offered up her camper still parked in Ohio (she had moved to Florida the year before). That way we didn't have to wait on FEMA to get us one. I called my parents and asked them if they would tow it down for me. Jen went to work trying to get a current license & registration on it as it had expired since the trailer was in storage. It was a lot of back and forth and coordination between her and I and my parents and her parents. Jen was awesome and patient despite the quick turnaround time needed.

One random day in that week at the hotel, I got a phone call. I was in a mom's club back home that happened to be an international club. The woman calling me was from the headquarters. She got word from our chapter president of the damage to our house. She said they have a fund to help out their members in times of need such as this. She informed me that they were mailing me a $5000 check and needed to know where to send it! I was in my car and luckily I was parked because I just started crying. I had two feelings: guilt and humbleness. I felt guilty for being in need and humble for their generosity. I couldn't thank her enough. What do you say to someone who you don't know that is going to make getting those trees off your roof a reality?

We eventually made it home and met my parents with the trailer to live in. Before we could move back in, we had to clean up the house from the flea treatments and get the rooms with mold secured with plastic so it didn't spread. We also had to gut the walls and treat the studs to remove mold.

My parents stayed with us for a while helping us get things handled. Kate at 2.5 locked herself in the camper while we were all outside. It is a fun story to tell today but a little worrisome at the time. Roof has a blue tarp all across the front. Found a guy to remove the trees from our yard with his industrial size chain saw and front loader. Dad and his normal chain saw was not able to handle 50-60 year old 70-100 feet tall pine trees. The entire frontage of our almost 1 acre property was piled up 10-12 feet with tree debris. I used to have a picture of it using my mailbox as a reference for height!

Several moms from the Mom's Club I was a member of brought us meals during that time. It was so nice to get home cooked meals instead of eating out! My parents brought down tons of gifts from family and friendsfor Kate. It was like Christmas for her. We did have to throw out a lot of her stuff because the toy room was one of the rooms that got damaged badly.

A check from the insurance company arrived. $20,000. Really? Did they see my house?

So my parents eventually went back home. We were able to live in the house. Scott was working. I was trying to lead a normal life with Kate and find a contractor to fix our house. It just seemed to be one thing after another. We needed to buy a new fridge but it was hard to find appliances after the storm for obvious reasons. They were sold out EVERYWHERE. So we ordered it online from the same place in Chicago we ordered the first one. Because the mail, let alone shipping was a total mess in New Orleans the 2 week shipping turned into months and we didn't get that new fridge until 2 weeks before Christmas! The first fridge got lost and then was later found sitting on a dock somewhere. The second fridge got sent back to Chicago after arriving in New Orleans. It was a mess. To get by I was using the camper fridge for veggies and fruit and a 1950s beer fridge that was plugged in outside the back door of the house in the carport.

What I didn't tell Jen about one of my dogs was that she only had 6 months to live. She had lymphoma for the second time. We treated her at age 3 for it and spent $5000. It bought us 5 more years with her. This time we passed on the treatment as $5000+ was not feasible anymore. She called me one day and said that Dakota seemed sick. I counted the months backward. It was about month 5ish. Crap. So I decided to drive there and get the dogs. Well, lo and behold, Hurricana Wilma was headed straight for her in Florida so I had to delay my trip! I didn't make it there in time. My best friend had to put my Dakota to sleep for me. I remember having to make that decision at an iHop. Jen called me two days before I was leaving to go to her house to say Dakota was in bad shape and what did I want her to do. I was having breakfast at iHop and was standing outside the restaurant on my cell phone crying telling her not to wait for me.

Two days later I left for Florida. I decided since I was by myself and not in a hurry I would drive through Waveland, Bay St. Louise, Gulport areas. I got off at Waveland, MS and took the route I new to get to a beach house owned by Scott's boss. As I drove south towards the water through the neighborhood there were boats in the roads, houses off their foundation in the road. There were dirt paths around everything. This was early November. The only people I really saw were the utility companies in their trucks working Then, out of nowhere it was like the whole environment got eery. It was devastating. There was nothing. All of sudden like that. Nothing. There was a definitive line where the surge clearly took everything away. It was ground just covered in mud. As I drove through the streets, you would see an occasional lawn chair or something that didn't wash out to sea. Someone found a picture of a couple with their child and set it up against a tree.

I came to the ocean. I could go right or left. I knew the house I was looking for was two houses to my right. I could see from the corner the lot. There were no houses either direction. I turned left and headed toward Bay St. Louis. I saw a U-Haul truck on the beach covered in sand almost to the roof. The only way I knew it was a U-Haul was because of the coloring and partial lettering sticking out.

I saw a woman outside by two tents. There weren't many people so I stopped to talk to her. I asked her a lot of questions and asked her if I could bring her anything on my way back from Florida. She said Second Harvest was setup in town and feeding everyone. Walmart was open again. She had everything she needed. I asked about a FEMA trailer. Now, this is where everyone needs to listen up and forget what Oprah and the news told you about no one getting FEMA trailers . . . What I didn't realize and learned that day from her is that you could not get a FEMA trailer until you had approved electrical and sewage hookups for safety and obvious reasons for the sewage. She had an electrical pole erected and was waiting on the utility company to make it's way down to her with electricity so she could hook up to it. There were utility trucks everywhere and from all states. She was just waiting her turn. She was generally pretty happy and content. She had quite a spread. Two big tents, Water jugs everywhere. A tent for sleeping. A tent for food/living, etc. Now, that is a survivor. (Side note: FEMA called me two weeks after getting home and offered me a trailer. I denied it as I had one and didn't need it.)

What everyone needs to understand is that the infrastructure of the gulf coast was destroyed. I don't know the specifics, but their sewage and water lines could have been destroyed as well. That takes time to fix people. When Oprah rolled in 6 months later reporting on the lack of progress I almost punched the TV. I was seeing it first hand how bad it was. There is no bouncing back FROM NOTHING overnight. They weren't even cleaning up a lot of stuff or worrying about the houses in the middle of the roads. They just worked around all that. I saw them working on getting the necessities back in order - like electricity. I returned in February and saw a lot more progress and cleanup. My parents were with me and they just couldn't believe it. The one thing my dad and mom commented on was the amount of FEMA trailer parks. Yes, that was the easiset way to get them setup with proper electrical and sewage instead of on individual lots. I also took them through Lakeview (New Orleans neighborhood that rarely is covered because it's not the ninth ward) where there were FEMA trailers on almost every lot as their utility infrastructure was intact but their houses were completed flooded.

I spent a week at Jen's to relax a bit and I needed that. I also found out I was pregnant with Jack while there. It was a funny story. I was complaing how about a week or so ago I felt like I had the flu and how it only lasted one day. She reminded me that happened when I got pregnant with Kate. She asked me how long it was since I had a period. Lord, I had no idea. I was so distraught I wasn't keeping track. She stopped off at a Walgreens to get me a pregnancy test. It only took 1 second and that thing was screaming PREGNANT! lol! She got to enjoy me calling Scott and my parents to tell them. What a crazy ride.

I took my 1 dog home and continued to look for contractors and wrangle with the insurance company for more money - which was a documenting nightmare and full time job. We had to have a second adjuster come out. The insurance did not want to replace our entire roof, just the front! Are you serious? Contractors were telling us the whole roof needed to be replaced because every single tile was unglued from the winds and many were broken. So the morning of the adjustor coming, Scott gets a ladder out to have a look at the roof himself. I am inside with my back to the patio doors folding laundry when I hear a loud crash and him screaming. I turn around and there he is laying on the driveway under the ladder. The neighbor behind us was drinking coffee in his breakfast nook and came running. He heard him and could see him laying there. (First time we met the neighbor because there were no privacy fences anymore.) The ambulance came and he ended up with a very sprained ankle and broken arm. The good news is the second adjuster agreed we needed an entire new roof. Thank god.

One day at the end of November I walked out of my front door and smelled gas really bad. A few months earlier a runner told us he smelled gas everytime he ran by in the morning. We had the fire department come out and check. Nothing. Well, I finally smelled it. We believe because it was now winter and the winds had changed pushing the gas toward my house and it was getting caught up in the alcove by the front door. I called the gas company. They found it right by the connection to my house. The guy unhooked my gas meter out front, put it in his truck and said "Call a plumber." I had no gas to my house that fast! As my luck would have it the first two weeks of December were frigid cold for Louisana. I was wearing my old wool sweaters and ski parkas from my up north days IN THE HOUSE! We had to go by 4 space heaters and all sleep in one room at night.

I called the plumber. He told me the gas line to my house was most likely cracked when the trees fell during Katrina. He said it is only 6 inches underground. He proceeded to tell me it would be about $2400 and whatever it cost to break up my driveway as it ran under my drive. I said, "You are going to have to break up my driveway?" He said, "Yes ma'am." With that I did an about face and walked into my house and slammed the door in his face. I didn't care about the money. I didn't want one more thing broken. After I regained my composure. I called the plumbing company and told the lady who answered to apologize to him for me. She said, "Honey, please don't worry. We will help you." The owner called me back and said he found someone who could tunnel under my driveway but it would cost more money. I told him I didn't care and to get it done ASAP. Unfortunately, I had to go two weeks without gas, heat or hot showers.

Christmas arrived about two weeks after my new fridge and my gas was fixed. It was the first time we didn't spend it with my family. It was quiet but nice. Kate got so many gifts it took us all day to open them. Scott cooked and we sat around finally in peace because we had secured more money from the insurance company and a contractor who was going to start the 3rd week in January.

Rebuilding the entire front of our house.

To wrap it up. The last and final thing to be fixed was our ornamental pond under the palm tree you see in the pic above. It was detroyed by the trees falling on it. It was the end of June before that got done. Scott came home from work on July 13 and told me he lost his job. On July 14th I gave birth to Jack.

Related: 31-17 . . . and then we danced.

Divorce Part 3: The Facade

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Sat, 11 Jan 2014 06:06:00 +0000

"Behind the smile is a hurting heart /Behind my laugh I’m falling apart/ Look closely and you will see/The girl I seem--isn't me." - Unknown

I spent a week at my parent's house pretending I was okay. Pretending my life, my marriage and my heart were just peachy. I was far from okay, let alone peachy. I had a war going on inside of me. My emotions were out of control yet somehow I managed to fake it. One never knows how well they can hide the truth until they are put to the test I guess. I had no game plan upon arrival of how I would act or hide the truth. I just winged it.

I couldn't talk about it. I knew one thing for sure. There was no way I was spilling the beans to my parents that week. In fact, it was July and I didn't tell them a thing until October. I just couldn't. A couple of reasons:

1. I had to figure it out for myself. I had to know the what, when, where and how before I divulged anything to my parents. I told other people. My friends, people I worked with, my neighbors. I just couldn't break it to my parents, yet.

2. I had to be okay with what was happening in my life and in the acceptance stage. Telling an unrelated third party is one thing. Telling your parents who will most definitely be on your side and ready to fight for you is another. I had to be ready for that.

3. I didn't want their influence in my decision making. I needed to know that it was my decision and my decision alone Sure, my friends and co-workers had their opinions but they wouldn't influence me as much as my parent's would.

4. They worry. Especially my mom. And she did. I had to be in a strong position to get her past the worry. I had to have a plan in place to be able to put her mind at ease and have answers.

5. And probably the hardest reason . . . admitting I failed. (I can't even write this without crying.) I had to tell my parents that my marriage failed. Coming to grips with such a failure in your life is very difficult.

While we were there I Facebook messaged and called his mistress, Kari. I let her know that I knew. I left a voicemail on her home phone and work phone. Being she held a very high position at her company it wasn't hard to get her work number. I dialed the main number and simply asked for her. She complained to Scott and then I got reprimanded for leaving a message on her home phone because her kids or maid might have heard it. Well, then you shouldn't be sleeping with a married man if you don't want such things to happen. Cry me an f-ing river was basically what I told him.

Then, he proceeded to tell me that she has an army of high-powered lawyers who will take me down if I continue to harass her. To which I simply laughed out loud at him. "Really?" I said. "I have seen much worse from wives of cheaters. Calling her to let her know I am now in the loop is a far cry from running her over with my car!" Then, he told me she is prepared to get a restraining order against me. Again, I just laughed and said, "Do they give restraining orders to someone who lives 4 states away from the potential victim?"

This was the absurdity I had to deal with.

I managed to get through a visit with my college friend and her family, several events with my brother and parents and even a birthday party for my son where a bunch of family members came over and some other friends of the family. It was tough. I had to listen to my family talk about my cousin's recent divorce and try not to comment on what they were saying. Not because what they were saying was bad or anything. Simply because you have no idea until you live it. That is what I wanted to blurt out constantly!

We didn't sleep in the same bed at my parents or ever again. We played it off as each of us sleeping with one of the kids. All I remember is that once my kid of the night fell asleep, I cried.

GO TO PART 4

Divorce - Part 2 - The Truth Comes Out

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Wed, 08 Jan 2014 03:15:00 +0000

"All I want is the truth / Just give me some truth" - John Lennon

I don't know where my husband went for 5 days. I know he didn't take my calls until two days after leaving. He claimed he was staying in a hotel in the city paid for by his friend Richard (We were pretty broke at the time). He also claims Richard set him up with a lady who is a counselor to speak with him about what was going on.

Knowing what I know now, I don't think that any of the above is true. The only definitive thing he told me was that he would be home on Wednesday after work. So my guess is he flew to Ft. Lauderdale to be with Kari, his mistress. She was the one "counseling" him and the reason he wouldn't come home earlier than Wednesday to talk about the divorce even when I asked him to.

So I went to work, kept to myself and carried on with my life. I remember cutting the grass after work and smiling to myself that I was now going to be on my own living my life and back in charge of it. It was a tremendous feeling. To some that may seem raw and cruel but to me it was my first good and confident feeling I had had in a long time.

On Wednesday night he arrived home. We didn't speak much. On Thursday night we had to pack as we were leaving after work Friday to go to my parent's in Ohio to spend the week and fly back with the kids. It was Thursday night when I told him I didn't want him to go to my parent's with me. Of course he begged and pleaded. He said the kids were expecting him, etc, etc. Same old lectures of convincing I was used to. At some point in that conversation we got in a huge fight and I made him admit he was having an affair with Kari. Oh he not only admitted it, he gave me tons of details . . .

1. He had reconnected with her on Facebook (Shocker!) after his class reunion took place and he saw pictures of her via his high school buddies.

2. They went to Junior Prom together.

3. She just had her divorce finalized two months before he was admitting all this that night.

4. She had two boys and one shared a name with ours. (Yeah, that made me feel so much better!)

5. She was extremely rich and successful.

6. Two years prior when he was unemployed and taking care of the kids he told me Richard was letting him use some extra miles he had to fly to Ft. Lauderdale for the weekend to relax a bit (because he said he was depressed) and hang out with his high school buddies. He admitted that it was really Kari who used her miles (she works in travel) and flew him there. That was the first time they slept together but as he puts it, "I didn't go there to sleep with her". Oh really! If a guy flew me to his place for the weekend after we had been texting/talking for a year I don't think it would be to sleep with him at all! NO! Never! Besides the adultery started a year prior when he started having daily conversations with her.

7. She tried to get him a job with the luxury cruise line she worked for. He told me all about the job prior. He was so excited and told me a high school buddy hooked him up and his chances were good. He didn't stop talking about it prior to going for the interview. He even said (get this!) that if he got the job he would move there by himself for like a year to see if it was a good fit and the kids and I could stay here in Louisiana. He would just fly home on the weekends. How incredibly convenient that would have been for him don't ya think?

8. He even told me about the first time that they slept together. I asked if that was the $200 charge on our credit card that I had questioned him about during the #6 trip above. He previously had told me that he and his buddies were drinking at the hotel bar and he charged the bill and they all gave him cash. Truth is he admitted was that he got a room for him and her to shack up. I never saw the cash and he was unemployed so $200 was a huge hit to our then $39,000 a year family income (my part-time mom job - not his earnings).

9. When I asked about all his other "business trips" to Florida that he was going on with Richard because they were trying to supposedly start a new business, I found out it was all her flying him to visit. Prior to this night, he had recently spent a week in Orlando for a "convention," and I found it odd that I didn't hear from him once during the entire week. He was with her on a cruise in the Mediterranean, I now know. He couldn't call internationally as I would see that on our phone plan.

I remember sitting on my bedroom floor crying for the better part of the night. I don't know if I slept or how I even finished packing for my parent's house. I rode to work with him since we were going to the airport after work. We didn't talk at all. I got to my desk at work and broke down in horrible, loud sobs. I am sure people around me were in shock and didn't know what was going on. No one said anything though.

Finally, someone on my team arrived and he stopped by to say Happy Birthday and give me a candy bouquet. (It was in 3 days but I would be out of town) Instead he found me a mess. A hot, blubbery, crying mess. He sat with me and just listened. We weren't even close friends really but I think he felt obligated.

I made it through the day somehow and got picked up for the airport. We didn't speak to each other. I stood as far away from him as I could. I wanted no association with him whatsoever. I was seething with anger and hatred. I watched from afar as the asshole (dressed in a suit because he thinks traveling dressed up gets you better perks) tried to convince the gate person to let him board early. The guy kept saying no and he just kept trying to work his magic on him. I just looked on with disgust. I kept thinking, "Why did I marry such a jerk?" We boarded the flight, sat apart, and then I put on my facade upon arrival in Detroit.

GOT TO PART 3

Divorce - Part 1 - Time to start writing again.

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 16:27:00 +0000

"Winds in the east, mist coming in. / Like somethin' is brewin' and bout to begin. / Can't put me finger on what lies in store, / But I fear what's to happen all happened before." - Bert from Mary Poppins

On July 2nd, 2011, in the middle of the night I awoke in a hotel to use the bathroom. I was staying there with my husband. I noticed his cell phone was lying on the dresser and he was dead asleep. I seized the very rare opportunity and took the phone into the bathroom with me. I closed the door and proceeded to log into his phone with the password I believed he used. I had been watching him for a month type it in over his shoulder or sitting next to him and tried to memorize it based on the keyboard and his finger movements. Amazingly, I got it correct.

I went to his text messages and the last text message was a random number (no name) and the contents of the text was erased. I googled the area code and found out it was from Ft. Lauderdale and it was then that I knew my marriage was over.

There is a lot more history before that moment that made me understand the significance of that random number and it being from Ft. Lauderdale. It's a long story that I will eventually get to on this blog.

After that moment, I woke his ass up and confronted him. He instantly got mad at me for checking his phone. I don't recall the argument that followed or the lame excuses he gave me. I just know we packed up, checked out and drove home. Thank god my kids were in Ohio at my parents because the next week was pure hell.

Upon arrival home, he packed a bag and left. I don't recall any of the conversation or what was said at all. I don't even know if I cried. I just remember that I sat down on my red couch and called my best friend. I spoke 5 words I had never thought I would say "I am getting a divorce." I never felt so sure about a decision in my life.

GO TO PART 2

More Kid Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Fri, 06 Dec 2013 21:54:00 +0000

I have had the following on my phone so I don't forget and I am going to put them here to archive them!
My Boy (Age 4)
My boy to Me: "I am firing you from my love life!"

My Boy (Age 6)
Me: Do you love me?
My Boy: Yes
Me: How much?
My Boy: I'm not telling you. You have to google it.

My Boy (Age 7)
My boy to Me: "Since I am the handyman of the house . . ."

My Girl (Age 9)
Me: You can do whatever you want, just do it well.
My Girl [rolling eyes]: You always say that!

Liberal vs. Conservative

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 03:29:00 +0000

Since Katrina the St. Tammany Parish libraries have been offering English tutoring to Spanish speaking people due to the influx of spanish speaking people that moved into our area as we rebuilt. Yesterday I was at the Causeway Branch and browsing Biographies in the back. Political biographies to be exact. Which is ironic in this story.

There is a woman I recognize from the library. Believe she works there. She is sitting at a table with a Hispanic young man. Maybe in his twenties? She is tutoring him on English and teaching him the difference in words. For instance she was explaining quantity vs. quality.

So I am looking over the books and move closer to where they are seated. I hear her say "Liberal". The young man repeats the word. She asks him if he knows what it means? He says he does not. She asks if he follows politics. He must have indicated he did not because she proceeded to explain further.

"Ok. There are basically two political groups. Conservatives and Liberals. Conservatives are the ones who don't want "you people" here." He asks what she means. ("You people" Really, that is what you go with?)

"Conservatives don't want "you people" to live in our country. They don't want "you people" to cross the border. Do you know what is going on in Arizona?" He must have indicated he did not.

"Would you believe that they actually passed a law in Arizona that forbids "you people" from being here without papers. The Conservatives are the ones that did that. The liberals are fighting it in court. Conservatives believe you should just pull yourself up by your bootstraps. I mean we all came here from other countries. America was built with people immigrating."

At that point I had to walk away. I wanted to turn around so badly and speak my mind. I wanted to tell him that not every conservative is against people coming into our country. We just want it to be done legally like our ancestors did. We want people who live here to pay taxes like we do. We don't want to pay for your medical care and other services you get without paying taxes to live here.

I don't know about her ancestors, but "my people" checked in at Ellis Island. Got papers to prove it.

My 3 degrees of seperation from Crystal Bowersox

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Thu, 20 May 2010 02:36:00 +0000

I grew up in Walbridge, Ohio. My next door neighbor was Eunice. (1st Degree)

Eunice had a son named Bob May who when I was a child used to visit Eunice often. All I remember is he was a musician, drove a van, parked it out front of her house in the stone drive, had long hair in a pony tail and was super friendly . . . always smiling and chatting with us kids. I ran the streets with all his neices and nephews. (Dave Trombly, you can stop laughing at me now . . . you know why!)(2nd Degree)

Bob was a musical mentor to Crystal Bowersox and her inspiration for the song Gray Haired Rockstar. And as the article below states he does indeed resemble David Crosby. (3rd Degree)

UPDATE: Was Bob May was in the audience seated with Crystal's dad and family on 5/26 final two performances!

There you have it Ladies & Gentlemen!

Read all about the story of Bob and Crystal in this article:
Crystal Bowersox's Musical Mentors Saw 'Idol' Hopeful's Promise Early

P.S. Thanks to my mom a huge Crystal Bowersox fan for filling me in on all this info and pointing me to the article.

31-17 . . . and then we danced

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 03:54:00 +0000

If you read my previous post "How a Midwest Girl comes to love the Saints" I explain how much of a football fan I am not. But why I love the New Orleans Saints.

In fact, I have been talking football so much with my husband lately he said one night, "Am I married to a football fan now?" I said, "NO! I am a Saints fan, not a football fan. Don't expect me to watch other teams on TV with you." LOL!

He is so excited about my new passion he is wanting to buy me Saints gear. I proudly noted to him that Porter made the game changing interception in the NFC Championship game as well as the one in the Superbowl. I joked that maybe Porter should be my "player". Because every fan needs a team and player. And right now I have just a team. Drew Brees is the natural choice and I have to admit he is not only easy on the eyes but has an incredible attitude and personality. Hubby says he would rather I have a Porter Jersey because that would be sexier - his wife wearing a Jersey of someone a little less known. LOL!

I also wrote on Facebook "Forget the immaculate reception. We had the immaculate interception" after the NFC Championship. Hubby found that very entertaining. Only reason I know about the immaculate reception is because I lived in Pittsburgh and how could you not! (Just don't ask me who did it. I forget.)

I have always been a fan of a good sports story though. In fact, hubby always found it interesting that I will watch a football movie but not a real football game on TV. I really get into movies like "Rudy", "We Are Marshall", "Remember the Titans", "Invincible" and I know I will love "Blindsided" when I actually find time to see it!

There is no question why I like these movies. They are passionate, a true story and a good story that tugs at your heart and has a real meaning behind it we can all learn from. They hold the magical formula that makes a good cinderella story.

The story of New Orleans and the Saints is well known by the world I imagine at this point. It is a real life cinderella story but this time I was involved by just being a resident.

Having a background in advertising I usually watched the Superbowl only because I wanted to see the ads. And often times it was during commercials that I actually sat down in front of the tube. When the game resumed I got up and did something else out of lack of interest.

Not this time . . .

I had a rough time the day of the Superbowl with the kids. Hubby was in Miami. I honestly think I was a little nervous which makes me almost laugh out loud! I was irritable with the kids and kinda sick to my stomach. I refused to watch the game alone so I stuck to our plan to join our friends at their house to watch the game.

The party consisted of two couples I knew and 3 other couples that I did not. And oodles of kids everywhere. When we sat down to watch the game I had a headache and stomach still felt sick.
Well, until the first touchdown. Then, the whole pace erupted and the music got cranked up and the we danced! (I mean, this is New Orleans, that is what we do best) We crunked to be specific. (The song "Stand up and get crunk"). After that, I felt nothing but a high. And those damn commercials were boring, dumb and got in the way of the game in my opinion.

We just wanted to watch the game. So during every commercial we danced. And after every good play or touchdown the Saints made, we danced. And we danced. And we danced. For the rest of the game, we made sure we all sat in the same seats we were in for the first touchdown.

At one point in the second half I kept saying, "We just need that game changing interception like we had last game." Eventually I had everyone yelling "Interception!" everytime Peyton got his hands on the ball. And then Porter got that interception we were all hoping for and my friend's husband pratically tackled me screaming "They did it!". Man, did we dance like maniacs after that one!

When we held the Colts back from making a touchdown and less than a minute left one of the husbands broke out the first of three bottles of champagne! He was in the process of popping the cork when they called the game. It was so damn loud and everyone was hugging and toasting.

And then we danced . . . for 2.5 hrs straight.

We crunked, who dat'd, secondlined and not one person left to go home or sat there and watched. Every single woman, man and child was dancing. We were dancing with each others kids, each other and just letting go . . . letting go of a past and welcoming in a future.

This was our time to shine. This was our time to officially say goodbye to "K" and remove that stigma from our name. This was our time to show the rest of the world the persistence, resilence and faith we have.

This was a life lesson for ourselves and the rest of the world that if you just believe . . . and you dance . . . all will be ok.

~end~

How a midwest girl comes to love the Saints.

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 03:14:00 +0000

I'm not into professional sports. I am not into football. Never have been. I've never followed a team or "had" a team. I have never bought a thing with an NFL logo on it for myself (still haven't actually.)

I married someone who is a big football fan and for the first time in our 13 years together he is happy that I finally have a team and actually watch the games with him. My team is no surprise = the New Orleans Saints!

You might say I am jumping on a bandwagon. You might say I am only loving them because they are winning. I beg to differ.

I think it has been a slow growing attachment . . . An attachment based on my history with this city, the accessiblity of the team and what that team has done for this city since Katrina. (And ok that the owner is a 32 year old woman plays a minor part LOL!)

Yes, there is something happening in New Orleans, a strange and beautiful story not so much about a town that still needs distraction from a hurricane but about a professional sports team changing the nature of the relationship between franchise and fan. "It's the entire city," LeBlanc says as we drive. "Everybody feels it. It's not because we're selling it. Faith or fate, whatever you believe in, you cannot watch this football team and not have faith."

I've lived in Pittsburgh, PA for 6 years. And if you know Steeler fans then you know what I was exposed to there. I even worked for a media company so my access to games/athletes was a little better than the average person but even so it was only at a media event that you might get a handshake or a few words/facetime. There was a destinct seperation of player and fan.

Here, things are different. New Orleans is like living in a small town in a way. Our team is accessible. Hubby often sees Sean Payton at the post office. A good friend of mine lives in Payton's neighborhood which is right next to our school. A different coach's daughter played on my daughter's soccer team and when he could he would coach a game or two. A player was at a table near us at the iHop on Monday. He and wife must be regulars based on how the waitstaff was speaking with them. Many do business with the company I work for.

Their kids go to school with ours. They are part of us. They live among us and interact with us. And for some of us they are our friends . . .

The point, he says, is that the team is invested in the city -- not just at his restaurants but all over town. The players know that you get roast beef po-boys at Domilise's and that you get fried oyster po-boys at Parkway. They don't just take; they support those businesses that support them. Only in New Orleans is eating an unhealthy meal an act of civic duty. "We have little gems in this city," Besh says. "They've delved into it. They understand it. These guys have become part of the community."

( Ok. So I wouldn't call iHop a gem to delve into . . .)

I was here before Katrina. I was here after Katrina. The change in the atmosphere and spirit was incredible to say the least. It lingered. And it took time to heal. A long time for some . . . So to have this . . . this feeling of pride, excitement, joy, hope and for me a sense of recovery . . . that the bad time is over and we can move on . . . well, you can't help but fall in love with this team.

"The last four years have been very special in the city's attachment to the Saints," he told me. "I am not one to do a lot of reflecting back on Katrina, but there is clearly a line of demarcation there."

The Saints aren't encouraging people to rebuild, or providing comfort to a wounded city, or any of that. They are showing the world what has been rebuilt.

So did I jump on the bandwagon? In a way. I jumped on the bandwagon of wanting to share in this amazing spirit of love and faith in a team that has brought so much joy to the people around me. To see the happiness and excitement on people's faces.

A team that reflects the strength and resilience of a city that took a big hit physically and emotionally.

The game began and, less than two minutes in, the Saints blocked a punt and recovered for a touchdown. One of my best friends, a chef who grew up in the city, sat on his couch in Mississippi and wept. So did thousands of people in the Dome. For 37 seconds, an eternity on television, the announcers stayed quiet, the only noise coming from the screaming of the crowd. Thirty-seven seconds, while a city went completely and totally insane with joy.

The people in New Orleans would never forget who gave them that gift.

CREDIT:
The above quotes were taken directly from this fabulous article about the Saints and New Orleans. IT IS A MUST READ even though it is long. Pull up your chair, a cup of tea and possibly a tissue to get a true sense of what it means to love New Orleans and the Saints!

~ Saints the soul of America's city ~

-end-

And my 6 year old says . . .

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 05:34:00 +0000

My daughter who is six went shopping with me tonight. While in the restroom she asks me, "Mom, what does T-A-M-P-O-N spell?" I tell her. She says, "What are those?" I tell her something she will use when she gets older. Then she asks, "Mom, what does N-A-P-K-I-N spell?" I tell her. She says, "Why would someone need a napkin?".

And then her final observation . . .

"Hey mom, those Tom Toms are only 25 cents!"

~end~

Country Music = Bumper Stickers = Country Music

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 03:43:00 +0000

Back in college I briefly dated a die hard country music fan. The fact that I had no interest what-so-ever in that style of music back then should have been my first warning that he was not the one for me!

After a night out at some cheesy country western bar we were driving back to campus listening to country music. I was telling him I just didn't get it. The music was kind of depressing and the lyrics were cheesy. He asked for an example. I told him it is always about someone's lover running out the door, driving off in their truck and such. I kid you not, two songs later we were both laughing out loud because the lyrics were about someone leaving, slamming the door on the way out, kicking the dog and driving off in the truck!

Lately, I have been tuning to country on my commute to work for a change of scenery. My best friend listens to country and always has. I know some of the big stars from her and occasionally even know the words! Today on the way to work I realized that the lyrics sounded like sayings on bumper stickers! Case in point: "God is great. Beer is good. People are crazy." I love the saying! But I had to think that I might have read that one time before while driving in traffic????

On the way home I heard another song with a play on words that ended with "you can kiss my GLASS". Again, sounded like something that would be plastered on someone's bumper or ass for that matter . . .

So I beg to question which came first. The music or the sticker????

Racing time

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 02:49:00 +0000

I feel like I am always racing the clock. Go here. Go there. Do this. Do that. And it just seems to get worse as the days pass. I am holding on to hope that one day I will just slow down.

I envy my older neighbors with grown children - many of their children my age or not far behind me. They just seem to enjoy life, their surroundings, their food, the air. They move slower, look more relaxed, seem so content. For just one weekend I want to be like them. I want to spend all weekend just leisurely painting a bedroom listening to the music I want to listen too. I want to cook a full meal with my husband and eat it slowly in silence while I drink glass of wine. I want to work in my yard all day and just enjoy the plants, get dirt all over me and then kick back with a beer afterwards.

In retrospect, I used to do all those things before I had kids. But now, I am running full speed all the time. And it is tiring. We are told as parents to slow down and enjoy all the moments with our kids but I feel sometimes those moments are measured and limited by the clock.

Sure one day I will be like my empty nest neighbors. And I will want to go back to when my kids were little. I know that. But, I need to figure out how to slow down the clock so I can at least catch my breath.

Start of fall

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 02:55:00 +0000

Son rides instead of strolls.
Gift of a halloween owl & cookies from neighbor.
Parents arriving in 2 days for visit.
Started new job.
Lots of rain.
Wet yard.
Long grass.
Miss my best friend.
Love my family.
Daughter is getting so tall.
Damn foot injury is preventing good exercise.
Hubby is frustrated.
For once I am not.
Goes in cycles.
Clean desk = a clearer mind.
Clean house would = happy me.
Wondering what is next.

My Girls

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 03:09:00 +0000

If you read this blog you know I have a set of friends I go out with on a regular basis. And you have probably read about them in the past.

Tonight I met with them again. We did our monthly dinner out. Except it has been many months since we have been able to do it. So it was long overdue.

I have known these women for over 3 years. Our kids went to preschool together for 2 years and we have remained friends despite the fact that our kids now go to different elementary schools.

On my way home from the restaurant I felt different then I have in the past. Yes, I still had that feeling of being recharged after a lot of good laughs. I enjoyed our conversations. But tonight I felt more. I realized how special these women really are. I realized how much I depend on them, how much I admire them and how much I love them all.

I have many other friends in my life that I love. I have a best friend of 30 years. I have 4 fabulous college friends that live in four different states and for which I would do anything.

Why is this group so special to me? It is hard to explain but I will try.

There is no judgement.
There is total comfort around them.
They are sincere.
They are real.
They are funny.
They are extemely complimentary.
They love to make fun of each other's quirks.
They love to laugh.
They have great kids.
They have great husbands.
They are accepting.
They are all very different from each other.
They are extremely supportive at times of need.
They give great advice and true opinions when you really want one.
They know what is right for you more than you do.
They know how to make you feel good.

Life has been stressful and tough lately. And these women have been my rocks. They have held me up and pushed me forward. All in their own ways. They have given me hope and guidance. They have spoken words that have changed the way I think. Being a strong-willed person who is usually the rock for someone else this is sometimes hard to accept and admit. But they have been there without judgement. And have been there faithfully.

Prior to dinner, the most important thing I wanted to know is if one of my friends went to her class reunion. The day before the event she sent an email that she might not go because she wasn't feeling so good about how she looked. Well, tonight she expressed such gratitude for all the emails that we all sent back to her encouraging her to go and telling her how beautiful she really is. She was so amazed by our support she shared the emails with her husband and it actually made it him tear up.

Another friend gives me things because that is just her. Not out of welfare, but because that is what she loves to do. Share. And what it does for me and my self-esteem is more than she knows. Having that little something new or pretty makes a girl stand a little taller and smile more.

Recently, that same friend let me borrow a necklace for my job interview. She sent me home with 3. I privately loved 2 of them. I returned them to her tonight at dinner. She opened the little jewelry bag and pulled out the two I love and said, "Wait, you were supposed to keep these." I was taken aback. "No, I can't" I said. She said, "Yes, I have only worn that one once and I have something very similar to this one already." I immediately took off the necklace i was wearing and put on the white one and wore it with pride! It is not the material want or need of her gesture. It is the generosity. That she knows what I love and that she loves to give. To her giving and making you happy makes her happy.

I could go on about the others. They are all very special to me in their own way. I have a special relationship with each of them in my own way. They all provide something to me that the others may not. They are all unique.

But what they all have in common is that they are all beautiful. Inside and Out.

-end-

An elementary celebrity

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 04:20:00 +0000

Today I visited my daughter during lunch. She is in 1st Grade at a public school.

Halfway through the the lunch I noticed a small group of kids suddenly stand up and start waving frantically and shouting something. I looked in the direction they were waving but couldn't see anyone. And then almost instantaneously every single 1st grader in that lunch room was on their feet waving and shouting towards the same direction. I couldn't make out what they were saying. I craned my neck to look.

I mean it was crazy the reaction these kids were having. Their faces all lit up with excitement. The cafeteria monitor and other parents were all looking at each other in disbelief.

I was quickly racking my brain to think who could be out that window that they all recognized and were excited to see? A New Orleans Saint? (I mean several have kids at our school) Nah. They wouldn't all recognize a player that easily. Someone dressed in a character outfit? Eh. Maybe. But such a reaction? It was like they knew this person . . . Firemen in uniform? Could be but again, why the excitement that was so incredibly fast? Hanna Montana? It had to be someone like that based on their reaction.

Well, it was none of the above.

Who was this person that these kids were frantically waving at, on their feet pratically jumping up and down about seeing, chanting his/her name?

It was . . .
The retired principal of the school! Someone that they knew for 1 year (last year) as they were all 1st graders. I was shocked when she finally walked in. I thought these kids were going to explode if she didn't acknowledge them. She spoke a few words to one of the monitors and then took the lunchroom microphone they use to dismiss lunch and addressed the kids.

She proceeded to tell the children that even though she is retired she will be at the school every Thursday. She is going to take Violin lessons (the same ones they offer the kids - with the same teacher). She is also going to come into the lunch room like she used to and teach them French. Apparently, she did this with the kids during her years as principal.

So she got down to business and started teaching them French. And even gave them a homework assignment. To take what they learned that day (asking someone how they are doing) and applying it at home with their parents.

I met this woman many times last year. I saw her for what she was. The Principal. I encountered her outside the school a few times and she seemed nice enough.

But today I saw something else. I saw a woman who to these kids is a rock star. She is someone they truly admire, respect and love. And it made me proud to have my child at such a school where such respect, admiration and love is really a two way street.

Janis Joplin and Rum

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 02:10:00 +0000

Today I was listening to a Janis Joplin song. And with many songs/artists, the music reminds you of a particular moment in your life.

One time when I was home for the summer from college, my parents took me to a state park in Ohio. It was a few hours from our house and we just went for the night to get away and do something.

At this point I was finally legally able to have a drink. Although sharing a drink with my parents happened before that time. But this time I went down to the bar in the lodge with my dad and we pulled up two 1970's brown vinyl bar stools to the very small bar. We were the only patrons at the bar.

My dad ordered us two Pina Coladas with Meyer's Dark Rum. It is his favorite rum and he wanted to introduce me to it since in college about all I drank was cheap beer.

He put a few bucks in the Jukebox and played a bunch of Janis Joplin songs. Together he and I sat there listening to Janis and sipping our Pina Coladas. Sharing a right of passage and first moment - Legally drinking with a parent in an actual bar.

I don't recall what we talked about. Dad isn't much of a conversationalist. Doesn't matter. It was the atmosphere. The music. The rum. The moment.

Typical New Orleans

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 04:45:00 +0000

So I am reading the magazine Real Simple and there is an article "How to save money on everyday essentials." Readers submitted little blurbs about what they do to save money or cut costs.

One reader said they buy in bulk at a warehouse club and split everything with friends/neighbors. Another reader said she simply asks herself if that overpriced sugar-filled treat is really necessary for her kids.A lady from North Carolina states she just uses a little less of her detergent, shampoo, cleaning products.

So I see that one of the submissions is from someone in New Orleans. It says . . .

"I find a good price on the wines I love and buy by the case . . . it saves me from going back and forth to the wine store."

What the hell have I been doing all summer?

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 06:29:00 +0000

Well, my freelance business has picked up and withe kids home all summer it has been a challenge! Not much time to blog anymore. (Well, that and my new infatuation with Facebook)

Here are a few of my most current finished projects. Many more in the hopper!

Precision Landscape
Sal Fernandez Investigations
Landry's Heating and Air
Hopkins Dermatology
Gulf Coast Claims (still work in progress)
Evertain Retainers (redesign)

-end_

Boy Presidents and Hillarys

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 02:00:00 +0000

Tonight we were reading a kids book about Dolly Madison. In the book it showed her picture among several presidents. My 6 year old asked who all the men were. I said they were all former presidents. And then the conversation went like this:

"There were a lot of boy presidents."
"All the presidents have been boys."
[She gave me a funny look]
"We almost had a girl president this past election. Her name was Hillary Clinton."
"Oh I remember her! I heard her on Disney. Wasn't she a really good singer?"
"No, honey, that is Hilary Duff."

THis is not the first time she has confused the two. READ HERE!

-end-

Ohio University Pride

noreply@blogger.com (Bayou Belle) — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 15:32:00 +0000

I have always been proud of my roots with my alma mater Ohio University. I am not talking about Ohio State University in Columbus, Ohio. I am talking about Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. Two different colleges. Ohio State has about 70,000+ students. Ohio University has 18,000+ students.

Ohio State is like a city. Ohio University is referred to as the Harvard on the Hocking. It is nestled in the foothills and beauty of southeast Ohio along the Hocking River. The college makes the town for the most part. The campus is big but overall the school feels small.

I fell in love with the place the instant we crested the hill on highway 33 and there before me lie the campus along the river. The beautiful buildings, hills, river and greenery! It was a sight.

I often brag to my husband of my incredible professors and their history before becoming a professor at OU. My very first college class ever was Visual Communications Overview. It was to be taught by 5 different professors. Each teaching their speciality for 2 weeks of the 10 week quarter. The first professor I encountered in my college career was a former National Geograpic photographer who told us a story of a photography lighting invention back in the day and ended with "Does anyone know who invented that technique? [no answer] Well, he is standing right here in front of you about to teach this class for the next two weeks." I was proud!

My college advisor assigned to me for the next four years spent 20 years as a Media Buyer for Kraft Foods - and she was black. Which means a lot since her career with Kraft started in the early 70s. She was forerunner as a black woman and in her industry. She bestowed upon me four years of advice and wisdom I still treasure today. Even treated me like her own daughter. She would tell me to stop curling my hair when I talked to her. She would tell me to sit up straight! She was a great friend. She had me over for dinner like many of her other students and advisees. Both times she made a feast and we shared life stories. She even invited my dad one time when he was picking me up before holiday break. Those two ate and drank wine and laughed a lot. It was nice to watch. And for graduation she gave me a brand new mattress set. I had been telling her about my search for an inexpensive mattress set since I had landed a job and was getting my own apartment. She told me to swing by her house with the UHaul on my way out of town. I did. And out from her house came a queen mattress set still in the plastic that she said she bought on a whim one day. To this day I wonder how true that story is?

I can't remember all their names and what all they accomplished. But I know many a professor I was taught by had a great history and life experience to share with us. To a naive midwestern girl from Toledo Ohio that meant the world to me. I absorbed it all!

And sometimes it is not until now when I read the OU Alumni magazine that I learn about a professor I had and what they did prior to teaching me. Amazing.

This morning over coffee I was reading my summer 2009 issue of Ohio Today, a magazine for Alumni. I always amazed at what I learn about my alma mater and it's students or alumni when I read this magazine.

Today I learned two new things that made me stop and note to my husband sitting nearby and smile with pride!

First, I was reading about a professor of graphic design I had for one of my early graphic design classes. There was a photo of her from back in the day standing with 3 little girls - one of whom was Sarah Jessica Parker who was born and raised in the area. If you attended OU you were usually aware of any tie to fame the school or area had. I was not aware of this one.

Second, I recently found a blog that I just love and think is funny and clever. I have even posted links to blog posts for this blog on Facebook because I felt they were worth sharing. Lo and behold I flip the page of my OU mag and there is an article about Jessica Hagy, highly-acclaimed blog owner of ThisIsIndexed.com. [More pride!]

Other ties with fame that I am aware of:
1. Piper Parebo (who actually attended OU during my 4 years there - Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Cheaper by the Dozen, Coyote Ugly)
2. Matt Lauer (Today Show)
3. Richard Dean Anderson (MacGyver)

Ohio University didn't cost me a fortune to attend. But it gave me a fortune of experience and knowledge to take with me for the rest of my life. It was the best choice I ever made and there isn't any part of those 4 years that I would take back!