My Biggest Battle

Ideas to make you disturbed...

2009-01-15T11:15:00.000-08:00

It's funny I got this when I was court ordered to attend alcohol treatment. I didn't pay much attention to it. Now it makes a lot of sense!!!

Ideas to make you disturbed...

1) Love slobbism- I must be loved or approved by every significant person in my life-and if I'm not it's awful!

2)Musturbation-I must not make errors or do poorly - and if I do it's terrible!

3)Low frustration tolerance: People and events should always be the way I want them to be; life must be easy!

Ideas to help you function effectively

1) Self-acceptance: its definatly nice to have people's love and approval - but even with out it, I can still accept and enjoy myself.

2) Fallibility: doing things well is satisfying - but it's human to make mistakes.

3) Realism: people are going to act the way they want - not the way I want. Institute for rational-emotive therapy.

A sober Christmas...

2008-12-28T22:23:00.000-08:00

I had my first sober Christmas in a very long time. I got my 3 year old nephew a real guitar. He always wanted mine so now he's got his own. I got to spend time with my family and got to spend time with Liz. I met Liz probably over a year ago. It's funny we both got drunk at a friends birthday. She doesn't drink around me which I appreciate. It doesn't bother me that she drinks she is a very down to earth wonderful person. We go to art Gallery's and museums in D.C. it's refreshing to spend time with her. There is so much more to her than any person I've met. She has a lot of patience with me and I'm very thankful for her. We have taken things very slow. I think she really has taken the time to get to know me and appreciates me for me! I don't drink anymore I have no reason to lie to her and I no longer have anything to hide from her or anyone. It's amazing I still have a lot to work on for myself and I have come a long way. No matter what every day I don't drink it's all for the better. So much change and I'm embracing it and I'm ready for positive change! There is so much to say and I feel overwhelmed with joy! I've been around alcohol quite a bit and it doesn't scare me! I'm done with it and I'm fed up with it! I don't crave it because I don't crave destroying my life anymore!@ I know what it will do I will lose everything I care about again and slowly!@ This blog and other blogs for recovering alcoholics has helped me a lot! I can't say it enough! I got my life back! :) Thanks everyone!!!

My nephew my joy!

2008-12-27T09:18:00.000-08:00

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My future rockstar finally got his own guitar:)

2008-12-24T18:15:00.000-08:00

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Jayden's first christmas 2008!

2008-12-24T16:53:00.000-08:00

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Family that's what christmas is about! Happy holidays!

2008-12-24T16:28:00.000-08:00

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2008-12-11T09:49:00.000-08:00

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Trista holding Kylie my friends new addition:)

2008-12-10T11:56:00.000-08:00

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One-Hundred-Fortyseven Days-I See The Truth Now

2008-12-01T00:37:00.000-08:00

One hundred forty-seven days wow, I stopped counting how many days since I last drank.
I peaked at the counter! :) I'm happy to say I was fired from the bar I worked at. I wouldn't change it for anything it helped me see the truth in my own drinking and what it can do. Even with the drinking I saved enough money I can take a month off and relax and regroup. I've worked on my resume and also registered for school. It was bad timing with Christmas coming up, but I got my 3 yo nephew a real guitar. I can't wait to have a sober Christmas and see him get his guitar. He is an amazing child and I'm lucky I almost died in a drunk driving accident a few months before he was born. I'm lucky and truly blessed to spend time with him and I enjoy him a lot more now sober.

No worry I know I'm not cured, but I worked in a bar from day one that I quit. I'm glad I did I feel I can deal with any situation I'm in that involves alcohol. I know the truth and I see what will happen to me. Looking back to the beginning of my addiction and after I started back drinking after my accident, it's a slow progression and it slowly but will always take my life away.

I'm happy to say I've slowly but surely gotten my life back! Still work to do but I'm happy!
Thanks!

Music is all the therapy I need!!!

2008-11-27T21:21:00.000-08:00

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Everything is getting easier in time.

2008-10-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

My life has defiantly been busy, and throwing it's share of stress at me. I have my tools to deal with it now. I don't have the urge to drink right now, but it's not always going to be like that. Tuesday will be one-hundred days! :) It seems like years and it's been tough! I guess it's true good things do not come easy! I tell people 100 days is an accomplishment that I will be proud of, but it's still day by day! I try to explain to people if you do see me drinking one day nothings changed! I know what's best for me, and I will never give up, and it's never to late to quit! I noticed people have started to talk to me more about drinking as a problem for them. Instead of the usual "dude I got wasted last night."

I'm thankful for today and the changes I have made, and the wonderful people in my life! :) I don't know what Tomorrow will bring, but everyday I don't drink the only thought of Tomorrow is that it will be better! ;)

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Goodbye!

2008-09-26T10:00:00.001-07:00

So we finally had our talk and I got to ask the questions I was wondering. She says she left at first to make sure I was really going to quit for myself. She seen I really did, and then her feelings changed and probably because I was flipping out so badly. She said she is still exhausted from me! That hurts badly because I was confused and never meant to do that! But I exhausted her, before we ever broke up. So she made me realize the only unselfish thing I can do is let her go! It's not easy and I will never fully let her go! I wanted to be her friend, we were always friends but I guess I can't burden her any longer. I don't care about having to deal with pain! I'm going to hurt no matter what! It won't ever go away I truly care about her. When it's all said and done I wish her the best! I will always miss her, I know now this was for the best. I always hope and pull into an alternate world of hope and I fight reality! What's best I guess isn't always easy! I'm still hanging in there; I'm an emotional train wreck right now, but my sobriety is not in danger and I will get through it! Thanks everyone for listening and your kind comments!
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Letting go!

2008-09-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

You don't always get what you want in life!
Everything earned feels 10x better than what is given! I don't know if its been said like this before, but it doesn't matter what others reap but most importantly it's what we sow. I had a rough couple of days, but I know I'll get through them!
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Thankful!

2008-09-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

Today I'm thankful for certain second chances, even if it's not exactly what I wanted! I'm still grateful!

I'm thankful for my friends,family, my sobriety, and most importantly me!

Life is tough, but it slowly gets better if I focus on all the good!
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I stopped counting...

2008-09-21T19:11:00.001-07:00

I don't know how many days it's been? What does the counter say? I do know that I feel great! Things aren't always easy, but no matter how hard they get they are a lot easier sober! :-)

So here's you invitation...

2008-09-20T07:28:00.001-07:00

I want to start off saying that I'm doing great. It's been tough, but I've reached a place where I've accepted the world so to speak. I can stay sober, drink, or whatever I want to do, and the world and everybody in it is still going to do what they do. I no longer feel alone and helpless! It's really a great feeling; even though it's not going to always be easy!!!! I have all the proof I need to know that sobriety is what is best for me!

So anyways, I text a friend simply to see if she could receive picture messages on her phone. She replies with an invitation to her birthday party. I said great I'll be there, I was going to ask if my ex would be there but figured oh well she's inviting me. Only for her to say "wait I have to make sure its okay with [her]." So of course I tell her it's alight don't worry about it, you two are closer friends anyways. Truthfully it wasn't alight, it was never supposed to be like this.

I talked to her the day before, and the reason she doesn't want to see me is that she can't stand to see me after the things she has done. So I knew her leaving didn't have everything to do with what I did when I got drunk on my birthday. I told her I always love her no matter what, and I'm here if she needs me. For whatever reason she doesn't want to see me, I have no control over it. So the birthday thing stung a little, but I'm not letting myself lose focus on what's important! I wish I could call her a friend instead of an ex! But that's the way it is! Day seventy-five I couldn't be more grateful!
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The most important thing sobriety has given me...

2008-09-16T21:58:00.000-07:00

I started shooting the pool league at my work tonight. My friend and my ex's best friend showed up at my work tonight. One of my friends likes her and they sort of had something going on but never dated. Anyways she told him that she's dating a thirty-seven year old bar owner. She's twenty-one but I don't know him so I can't judge him or their relationship. But as a male with a human brain I do know what he's thinking. I wanted to tell him what sobriety has given me!

There is only one person that I can control in this world me! When you really care about somebody, and you want to be more than friends in any way, It doesn't matter how much you care about them. If they do not want anything more than to be friends there is nothing you can do. You can sit and wait and hope, but that is not healthy and not a good decision. People are going to do what people do and I now know if I sit and worry about what there doing I'm wasting my life!

I still find myself getting wrapped up in the past; when I stop and think about my life right now I couldn't ask for anymore! I have a family that loves me, my friends aren't blowing up my phone everyday but they care about me. I have myself and seventy days of sobriety! :-)

Push ups for the past!

2008-09-13T14:08:00.001-07:00

So I've always been into exercising, but since my accident and the escalating drinking I stopped working out. I'm slowly getting back into it. Nothing beats lifting weights or hitting a punching bag when I'm stressed. Last week every time I started obessing over my ex or things in the past, I stop and make myself do twenty push ups. It's helped a lot, its only two o'clock and I've already done sixty push ups. I feel better than ever, but I still have difficulty leaving things in the past. A lot of people I talk to also struggle with this. Today I'm thankful for another day of sobriety and well I'm tired of doing push ups today so I hope I stop obsessing soon! LOL
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Resume...

2008-09-12T10:14:00.000-07:00

I'm bored at work and was picturing what my resume would look like if I was honest and still drinking. It's just a joke, I'm working on my real resume and thought it would be fun.

Chris B

Objectives-
To make it to work on time and try to get rid of my hangover in a timely manner.

I will show up everyday, to work my hardest and to do the least amount of work so you can't fire me.

Lol!

I'm lucky enough to have a good work record and lot's of letters of recommendation. I've always stayed at all of my job's for at least a year. I was fired once because of alcohol; I was late and still drunk when I got to work.

But I'm thankful for another day of sobriety!
My goals are easier to reach, like sobriety it's one step at a time! :)
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I didn't go to school this semester...

2008-09-11T10:49:00.000-07:00

So when I first decided to stop drinking, it was almost like I wanted to take over the world. That feeling quickly left and the insanity of width drawls took over. So first of all, the classes I needed to take were filled up twenty-five days before classes began. I was sort of relieved in a way, because looking back I wouldn't of been able to deal with school and work on top of not drinking. I have everything planned and ready for next semester. My dad gave me a lot of grief about not taking classes. My parents pay my tuition which I'm grateful for, but I didn't know how to explain it to him. All he really wants is for me to do good for myself. He worked hard all of his life doing carpentry and physical labor, and he doesn't want that for me. I guess he wants me to reach my potential when it's all said and done. So I'm ready, in the meantime I'm going to sit down and explain to him why I didn't do everything possible to take classes this semester. He hasn't drank in over twenty years so if I take the time to explain it to him, I know he will understand.

As time goes by...

2008-09-10T19:28:00.000-07:00

I'm still here and still dedicated to my sobriety. Things are calm for me right now, I finally have accepted things in the past that were causing me the most problems. My eyes are finally wide open again, and I see things for what they really are. I haven't made the best decisions recently, but as time goes by things become clearer and easier to handle. Certain things still hurt, but that was a chapter in my life. I'm finally at a point where I may not be able to fully let certain things go but it's behind me enough not to affect my positive direction I've been headed.

A couple people told me about people they knew that were in the hospital for alcohol because of their width drawls. I served one of them at my work, and all I said was yeah I know it's rough I just went through it. I couldn't believe both of them said no they are really bad. Well they didn't understand the three weeks I spent at home shaking and feeling suicidal and flipping out on my ex and others. I never felt more isolated in my life. I seriously thought about going to the hospital. I went to AA and I did everything I knew to do to try to get through it. Now that it's all over it has motivated me even more not to drink. I never want to have to go through that again. I used to judge my drinking on how long in between blackouts or did I lose another girlfriend cause I did something stupid. I can finally see the long term affects it's had on me. I finally feel normal, creative, loving, understanding, and patient. I still am rough around the edges but dedicating myself to sobriety is slowly allowing me to get my life back.

I knew what I could control and what I couldn't before, but I have finally let go of what I can't control and it's an amazing thing!

Excuses are excuses no matter what the reason is...

2008-09-05T16:02:00.000-07:00

I find myself making a lot of excuses lately. I didn't take any classes this semester, because I didn't want to be to stressed out the first few months of sobriety. I have a list of all the local AA meetings and one day I chose one at a local church. Of course I had to drive by her parents house and I saw her car. I flipped out and haven't been back to AA since. I used that as an excuse and it's been down hill ever since. Tomorrow I'm going to a meeting and well I got a friendly reminder today in a way I need to get a sponsor!!!!!! I've been looking to the wrong people for support! My real friends are all that's really left and they can't be here the way I need them to. A sponsor is exactly what I need and I've known it all along. No matter what happens in my life I just want to say I did everything possible to stay sober! Right now I can't say that at all! I will not let this turn into waking up with a hangover and making even more excuses! No more talk! Action! :-)

See you in the movies...thanks!

I said goodbye cause It was easier that way!

2008-09-04T08:58:00.001-07:00

I didn't know how to deal with everyone who just vanished as I quit drinking. So yesterday, I text or left voice mails with a few people, and basically said goodbye. I told them what I loved about them and thanks for their time. I already feel better, but it still kind of bothers me. I was talking with a friend and she thinks since my grandmother killed herself and I never got that goodbye, that I want it so badly when someone I care about leaves. It makes some sense, but I'm trying to deal with this positively. Everything has changed so much it's still overwhelming. Today is a new day!!!!!! :)
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Sometimes it's hard to think about today!

2008-09-03T09:34:00.001-07:00

Well I got a little side tracked. I guess more like caught up in the past. So today I'm going to be sober and I'm concentrating on today. I'm at work, I'm going to get my work done and do some reading. I'm going to leave the past in the past. When I wake up and dedicate myself to sobriety each day, I also need to dedicate myself to the day. I lose focus easily, and I know when I'm not seeing things clearly. I just need to catch myself when I'm doing it. Today is already a good day. My heart beats heavy, but I'm thankful for the day, and the oppurtunities it will bring.
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I should of never expected anybody to be here for me!

2008-09-02T08:24:00.001-07:00

Well I've still been thinking, and it was never fair for me to be there for people and then to expect them to be here for me. I get mad when there not here for me the way I want them to. It's my choice, so I can't get mad any longer. I have to remember this in the future. So I'm not going to pile the regret on my shoulders. But I will try my best to move on positively. It's a new day! :)
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