The truth is, I have no idea how I’m feeling. Really. None. All I know is that I’m numb. Completely numb.

And also I’m sick. At least I think I am. I was this morning. But I’m not really sure if I am anymore. You know, being numb and all.

So I’ve made my decision about where my little loves and I are going to move. I am beyond thankful for the support of my friends who have been helping us with all aspects of this process. I am breathless that this is even happening, though. Surreal. I am moving out. Moving on. With just my children. Alone. Not in a house with my husband. This must be a dream. A bad dream. A very bad dream. But it’s not. It’s our reality. And we have no choice but to live it. But dammit (Damnit? I don’t know how to spell it. I don’t swear. Except for right now. At least, I tried to!) I’m going to do my darndest to make lemonade for my children every day.

Did you hear about the Susan G. Komen Foundation’s decision today to cut ties with Planned Parenthood!? Wow! I raised some eyebrows quite a while back when I removed Susan G. Komen Race For The Cure ads from my blog, citing their longstanding, very supportive relationship with Planned Parenthood. But it was what I believed was right, a chance to stand up in a small way in support of unborn babies and their right to be born and be loved. And today, the Susan G. Komen Foundation has brought a smile to my face. I believe they made the right choice, choosing to at last recognize the impossible dichotomy between saving lives and ending them.

From what we hear from her new family, Lulie has still not given birth yet. For the love of all that is holy, someone break that girl’s water or get her some pitocin! If I let myself, I can become very sad about our goats no longer being in our lives. Missing Lulie and Olive giving birth. Not feeling them lick me when I come to scratch on them. And…. Oh, I have to stop. But I do know that, well, they are just goats. And it was far and away the necessary decision to make for our family, to let them have new homes. But still.

Small Fry went to throw away the crust from her sandwich today and said, “Where’s the chicken scrap bucket, Mama!?” I reminded her that we didn’t have chickens anymore, so we didn’t need the bucket, either. Thankfully, the children have been very okay with rehoming our farm animals. Surprisingly, actually. They seem to be dealing with it better than I am.

Those crazy five fingered shoes that I have been raving about also come in kids’ sizes, which are now on sale right here! There is no way I can justify a pair, though Big Mac will eventually be outgrowing his current footwear and, not expecting any hand-me-downs, we may give those a shot for his next shoes at that point. But we’ll see. I also don’t have a bed anymore. It was ruined by the blasted bugs. But whatever. I’d rather have my husband. Sucks not to have either right now.

We ate falafel for dinner the other night. I love it, though it’s not something I’ve offered to my brood for quite some time. To my surprise, even Big Mac loved it. It just is not a normal, everyday, run of the mill taste. So, even though they are pretty outside the box, adventurous eaters, I didn’t know if they’d go for it. But they did.

Okay, I think I blogged myself tired. That was actually the plan. No time or desire for proofreading tonight, so I’ve no doubt I said something silly, like when I Tweeted and Facebooked tonight that Small Fry had my “knew support wrap” on her arms instead of my “knee support wrap.” Oh, well. My Twitter and Facebook page, should you desire to follow me there, are sort of my unfiltered means of sharing at any given moment what is happening in our lives or how I’m feeling. Autocorrections sometimes included.

Goodnight!

Love is all you need.

Love is all I need. In so many ways, on so many levels. Yes, love is all you need. I’ve been breathless as I’ve read through your comments and words of support today. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Even though you may not be able to share with him directly, would you please consider loving and supporting my husband during this painful time, too?

Love is all you need. It’s all I need. Today, I drank in the sweet beauty of my children and the love they exude. Choosing to hold firm to the love I know my husband has for our family, even should he decide to declare otherwise, I went about my day. We are moving. I’m picking a place to move with our children. I homeschooled my first grader, clipped tiny nailpolished nails for our daughter, spiked mohawk hairdos onto two others and rocked the baby to sleep. Love is all I need. It’s all they need. It’s all my husband needs. Where that love comes from is a factor. I can’t control that for anyone else except myself.

So today, I rejoiced in the fact that love is all I need, both whispering and boldly declaring the thankfulness I have in my heart for the love I do have in my life.

It’s all I need.

Looking back.

But mostly looking up.

Yes, I am looking up to my perfect Father in Heaven who is walking ahead of me and my family, not surprised by any of this, holding us still securely in the palm of His hands, whispering reminders to me that He has plans to give us hope and a future.

I need the reminders these days. And also the slice of privacy I’ve sought to carve out for our family. I would like to come before you guys and ask if you would please respect my family’s privacy, doing what you can to protect our hearts. This is a time when we are clinging to the Lord, getting support from friends and being loved on by family. It is a private, difficult, personal time in our lives that for the same of our children I would like to keep on the down low on the internet. We need love and support from all angles but not disapproval or gossip from any.

We are looking forward. Looking back. And looking up. Why?

Because my husband has chosen to leave our family.

The children and I are moving. Please give us respect and privacy as we are choosing not to share the location we’ll land next. The goats are thriving at the homes, yards and barns of friends, the chickens peck a different ground now, and I am sucking for air trying to grasp how it is I am to protect my children and guide them for what is to come.

Whatever that is.

I have no idea what is going to happen as the days, weeks, months and years from here play out. None at all. But I know One who does. And that is enough. For now, I am taking things minute by minute, loving my children, doing what needs to be done, choosing not to come anywhere near giving up hope on my husband or on my marriage or on myself, looking inward, looking forward, looking back.

And looking up.

I don’t even have my computer.

So I don’t have a way to blog really easily.

I don’t even know how or when or if I’m going to blog about this next phase in our lives.

So I guess it’s good that for tonight…I don’t.

I just don’t.

…discovered that my phone had been hijacked and used to take photographs of kitchen appliances, took our MSC to the zoo, saw a bazillion photographs of Small Fry that she took of herself with my phone, smiled as I saw Nuggey fall asleep almost each night with Pippin on his chest, enjoyed the stars from out in the country, prayed for Stellan to kick his pneumonia so he could go home instead of riding around with an IV in a wagon at the hospital, practiced having the kids sit and stand “in order” at the bank and various other establishments, went crazy for the vast expanses of blue sky here, wore a face mask out to the barn to milk the goats early each morning, snapped a picture of Stellan and Small fry looking alike and chomping on apples while peering out the window, watched Small Fry become Tutu’s temporary mother, saw my baby turn into a big boy, learned to make butter from goat milk and tucked Stellan into bed each night with his favorite “blue blankie.” The spring is going to hold some big changes for our family. I am already oddly nostalgic about our winter, even tonight as I look back over this array of silly little photographs. I love my family more than I could ever express, you guys. And this has been our winter.

I shaved my legs today. Yes, it is a noteworthy event.

It’s a sad but true fact that Nikon lenses aren’t advertised as being on sale anywhere nearly as often as Canon lenses are. But if you are a Nikon girl and are tired of hearing me rant and rave about my favorite little inexpensive portrait lens, have I got some news for you. The Nikon equivalent of my favorite lens is finally on sale!!

Grab the 50mm f/1.8 lens right here. We didn’t see the Northern Lights. Did you? I took the kids with me to get a car wash today. It was the first time we washed it in over six months for sure. We cleaned the inside, too, though that must be done more often. One of my license plate lights was out. I didn’t even know there were license plate lights.

Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Sometimes you don’t. I am slowly falling off the working out wagon. I am frustrated with myself. My knees are finally almost better, though. So I want to ease back into things again. But finding the motivation to start again is ending up to be difficult. If only I’d never hurt my knees to begin with, I wouldn’t have had this slow down. In a way, though, I can definitely see God’s hand in this. He needed me less preoccupied for these recent days, I think.

Flurry is jabbering up a storm all of a sudden. I told you he was in his explosion! Today he finally said “Mama”! He also said, “Get out” and “Dora” and “uh-oh” and “ow” and “door.” He has been a quiet little guy for quite some time. My how things are changing. He’s also joined the big boys for their nightly wrestle. He sure can hold his own, our little 17 month old. He jumps onto and off of beds and ottomans and brothers. Just like the others. Man alive are our boys physical, especially the youngest three. They literally run and bounce off the walls for much of the day. Ahh, to have their stamina.

I don’t, though. And I’m pooped. Goodnight!

Oh my word, oh my word! I was mentioning to someone on Facebook the other day that I knew Vibrams (the crazy five fingered shoes I’ve fallen in love with) were pricey and that the next time I came across a good deal, I’d be sure to share it. And sure enough.

Get yerself a pair of these awesome shoes starting at just $39 right here. Seriously.

Think they are ugly as all get out? I used to! Think they are pretty enough to wear to a ball? So did she!

I did a recumbent bicycle with moving arms at the gym. And I just did the arms. It was one of the only other ways I could think of to keep giving my knees needed rest besides swimming.

Our town has an interesting snow plow method. There were mountains of snow in the middle of the road on the main drag.

Life is hard. And good. My windshield got hit by a rock. Cracked it and put a hole in it. Challenges abound for us right now, actually. But in those challenges, unmaneuverable at times by me, there is left open only one real option: the one in which God shows up in a radical way and carries us through storms we couldn’t endure ourselves.

Decision making. This is a theme for me lately. And finding peace in my everyday life. And trusting God. And eating lots of protein.

Goodnight!