Aside from researching the Paleo lifestyle, that is. Ever since my friend Leah told me about it last winter, I’ve been slowly adhering to it more and more. And researching it. Today it got brought back to my mind some more after the kids and I met up with brand spanking (not actually sure their stance on corporal punishment) new friends for a parade and some play time. The dad is big into Paleo, so we talked chia seeds, coconut oil and pecans.

I always wanted a Chia Pet. I coveted them on infomercials as a child. Never did get one. But I did end up forgiving my parents for never buying me one. I could have used my own allowance money, I suppose, but I was way too busy spending it on candy at the dime store and on Teen Bop magazine when the Monkees were featured.

There wasn’t really a dime store in town. Weren’t those around when our dads were little? It was actually a pharmacy. Which, come to think of it, is kind of an ironic place to sell candy. But whatever. It didn’t rub me the wrong way. I rubbed Flurry’s back as he fell asleep tonight. Asleep in a new bed. Why? Because his big brother Nuggey has been begging and begging to share a bedroom with Flurry. Naturally, I was all over that like flaxseed meal on our yogurt, so I said yes. Only today did I finally make the switch. Nuggey is in hog heaven. Which is a little like 7th heaven, only with more bacon. Those two have had the neatest relationship lately. It’s developing and growing in ways I never expected. Nuggey carries Flurry, looks around for him when we are out about, says, “Hug Nuggey!” and waits for Flurry to lay his head on his shoulder, and even feeds him from time to time. It’s the most adorable thing ever, and it makes me melt into a pile of coconut oil. Which is really melty, in case you didn’t know.

There is a cup we have that I made years ago when MckDaddy and I were dating. It has photographs of him and I all over it. One of the kids has been sleeping with it in bed every night for a few weeks. That rips my heart out through my ribs and stomps it in the dirt. Things aren’t too hard for me relationally right now. There are things that are healthy for me to be away from. And there is the time and peace for me to work on my own very unhealthy parts. The feeling of rejection is there, though, but overall there is peace and contentment and joy and hope. There isn’t much, well anything, I can do to make my marriage heal at this point, so I press on with the kids. What is hard is seeing those cup holding moments, knowing full well the feelings that lie beneath the surface. They aren’t always beneath the surface. Thankfully, my MSC and I are able to talk frequently and openly about Dad, feelings and stuff. It’s hard, really hard, watching what they are going through. If I could take their pain, I would in a New York minute. But I can’t. So I love them as best as I can, point them to their Heavenly Father in word and deed, and pray that God will redeem these wilderness months for my kids somehow, someday. We are as close as ever, the kids and I. We always have been, as a unit of six and in one on one ways with each of the five of them. And I wouldn’t have thought it could get much better, or deeper. But it has. And it continues to. And for that I am eternally grateful. There are deep, rich pools of joyous blessing along this hard, dry, barren road. Were it not for those, I do not know what I’d do.

This summer, the kids and I will probably travel again. Still hammering out those details. For now, we’re wrapping up school with MEOTYS. That’s Many End Of The Year Shenanigans, for those of you wondering. A jaunt back up to Minnesota (we now live a state away from where we used to) was ours recently. It was fun, rejuvenating and needed. No, we didn’t see MckDaddy. Sadly, all signs point to it continuing to be just me and the kids from here on out. Thankfully, all signs also point to God being in control of the whole universe and definitely in control of my family situation, so even though I’d like to sometimes say, “I don’t know what to do,” I actually do: Keep trusting Him.

Trusting Him and working my way to running my first ever 5K and being thankful for my children and eating walnuts and losing weight and makething people to lie down in green pastures and trying different business ventures so that I can make a living for my family and enjoying my new Mother’s Day sheets and reading my Bible on my phone most nights as I fall asleep.

I feel so good, I am so proud of myself, I am getting healthier in so many ways, and nobody can stop me!

“You’re welcome, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day!”

“Now what does this one say? ‘I like to make…preteens?’”

“No, Mom. Protein. You like to make protein, remember? That’s what it says.”

“Oh, yes! You’re right. I do make a lot of protein lately. I love you, Kieran.”

“See! I wrote that you always say that. Because you do!”

“That’s because I really love you. And we love to read together, right?”

“Yup.”

“Now what are all these question marks for? You made eight question marks. You don’t know when I’m funny?”

“Not really.”

“Okay, I think it was actually asking you to like, give an example of a time when your mom was funny.”

“I know. I couldn’t think of one.”

“What? You couldn’t even think of one?”

“No, Mom. You’re not really that funny.”

Hrumph.

But it was still a Happy Mother’s Day!

Yes, this is what I’m doing right now. I had a good cry, and I do mean good, have chosen not to publish my most recent thoughts because I am not sure sharing them will help anything (though writing them sure was therapeutic), read my Bible on my phone because, well, it was handy, and now I’m doing this. While one of my bestest friends plays with my kids because she knew today has been really hard for me. Laying on a bed. Possibly drooling. Not thinking about the pressures of this life or about any of my family’s worries. Letting go. Sleeping.

Or, at least I will be as soon as I publish this.