My FATabulous life

Is That a Wreath Around Your Waist?

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Thu, 14 Nov 2013 03:52:00 +0000

The temperatures have dropped, which makes me want to stay bundled up on the couch. As I sit and watch CSI, I realize that I have more than just extra layers of clothing. Though I have been able to keep off the 70 lbs that I lost for over a year, I have noticed that my pants are a little tighter. At school I had two people comment on the plumpness of my butt. Yes, I work in an elementary school, and yes, inappropriate things like this happen often, but this time it was from women.

Though I am excited for the smell of cinnamon, the sight of snow flurries, hearing Christmas tunes, and spending time with my family time, I'd prefer to avoid the annual weight gain. I'd rather not be one of the millions in the gym in January preparing for spring time. The two times that I have lost significant amounts of weight, I did it during the winter months. I think the winter time is the easiest time to exercise. I know what you are thinking "But it's so cold!!!" Of course outdoor running isn't as enjoyable, but I have valid reasons to why I find it easier to shed my weight in the winter months.

Partying

Summer provides many opportunities for partying, drinking, and eating. From Memorial Day to Labor Day, my weekends are jammed packed with pool parties, late night gatherings, and BBQ's. Although we have the Holidays in the winter, I tend to only go home for Christmas and I watch what I eat. I can't eat most of the pork infused food that my family prepares, so it leaves me with few opportunities to overdose.

Schedule

Since I am a teacher I enjoy my summer doing pretty much nothing. During the school year I have a strict eating schedule. I eat small meals every 3-4 hours and it is difficult for me to cheat throughout the day since I am in a classroom filled with children. During the summer I have many more opportunities to enjoy margaritas on my favorite Mexican restaurant's patio with a few servings of chips and guac.

Sports

I love winter time because I love basketball season. Last year I coached, which gave me the opportunity to scrimmage and run with my girls. This year I plan to join a local league. Honestly, I hate working out just like the next person, but I love sports. I burn more calories in a 32 minute basketball game than I do with my trainer in 60 minutes. Plus, I have more fun!

Motivation

During the summer you have nothing to look forward to. "Hey, I should get in shape for legging and sweater weather!" Yeah, I think not. But the winter provides the perfect opportunity to set goals based on future spring/summer events. For example, I will be going to Punta Cana in April. I already know that I have 21 weeks to lose 20 lbs so I can be bikini ready. Not to mention I need to fit into a bridesmaid's dress in May. Now a pound a week is very reasonable and these events help keep me motivated during the winter.

It may be easy for me to shed the winter pounds, but for some of you it may not be so simple. Here are a few tips to keep you on track this season:

1. Be Prepared

Eat before you go to the holiday party and bring a bottle of water to curb your appetite. Stay away from the carbs and go for a small piece of dark chocolate instead. If you must drink, set a limit ahead of time. Liquid calories add up quick so go for a straight shot instead of the mixed cocktail. Light liquors have less calories, so have a few tequila shots, and make sure you have a driver. On Thanksgiving and Christmas, get a spoon full of each item instead of a whole serving and limit yourself to one plate. You will thank me later.

2. Set Goals

As it gets colder outside, I don't want to get out of the bed for any early morning workouts. I told myself to just make it to the gym 3 days a week. Once you get in the habit, you will enjoy going. Make sure you work out the morning before a big party or event, that way you will look great in your dress, and you will be less tempted to cheat.

3. Try Something New

Sign up for a new class, team, or sport. You can use meetup.com to find teams, or go to your local gym to find a Cross-fit or kickboxing class. Make friends with someone in the class to keep as an accountability partner. If someone knows that you are missing from the class, you are more likely to show up.

4. Competition

Get a group of friends together and start a weight loss competition now. Why weight until January? The girls and I that are traveling this spring have already started. Our wager is a spa day. Have fun with it and be creative!

I wish you fellow fatties the best of luck this holiday season!

I've Gone Insane

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 02:36:00 +0000

So it's that time a year again where I enter a weight loss competition. Last year around this time I joined a group of ladies that wanted to jump start some weight loss and it was the perfect time for me to do so as well. I had just started training with my trainer Rylen, and I was ready for some big changes. Jump start was an understatement. I lost almost 30 lbs in 6 weeks ( still lost the competition ) and continued on to lose 50 lbs last year. This year a group of my girlfriends decided to do the same thing. We are all over weight and not quite bikini ready so we wanted to hold each other accountable to meet our goals. It is even more fun because we are all within 15 lbs of each other in weight. For the first time in my life I am not the heaviest! Unlike most competitions that I enter, this one is really about supporting my girlfriends in meeting their goals. We are at the age where our metabolisms aren't getting any faster. I am here to push them, motivate them, and give them some advice in getting to their goal weights.

Now to the insane part. Today I started the Insanity workouts. I had done a couple of days of the workouts over Christmas break with my brother, but that was it. I thought now would be the perfect time to really get into it since it is a 60 day program, and our competition is 8 weeks long. I took some before pics ( which I will show you at a later date) and I am looking forward to seeing some major differences in 8 weeks. In addition to Insanity, I will be working out with my high school basketball team. Now this is the real challenge. Any former athlete knows that basketball is one of the most difficult sports to play due to its constant sprints, cutting, and jumping. You literally use every muscle in your body, and if you don't believe me go and play with some 18 year-olds and come and talk to me the next day. I had been doing some running with them before break, but I hadn't been scrimmaging. Last week we were short some players so I had to jump in the game. I loved it. The next morning I regretted it. I couldn't even get out of bed. I am blessed to have the opportunity to play a sport that is so rigorous, but that I love at the same time. When I am playing ball, I don't feel like I am working out. The best part is that I am burning nearly 1200 cals a practice! Oh yeah, and I still kick their asses!

I hope my competitors don't read this post because they might get some extra motivation. I am really trying to win!

I will keep you guys updated with my progress through these next few weeks. Look forward to some before and after pictures!

Your fellow fatty,

Tiffany

An End and a New Beginning

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Mon, 24 Dec 2012 05:29:00 +0000

As 2012 comes to a close, I take the opportunity to reflect on the past year and all that I have accomplished. In December 2012, I decided that enough was enough. I told myself that I was going to get this weight off no matter what it took. I set a goal of 45 lbs and I created a plan. I hired and trainer and changed my eating habits. I exceeded my goal and lost more than 50 lbs. The road wasn't easy, and I didn't always eat the right thing or workout as much as I should have, otherwise I would be sitting here in a bikini posting pictures of my abs on instagram. Instead I'm in my sports bra and basketball shorts resting from my yoga practice while drafting my goals for 2013.

Before I give you all the list for next year, I want to tell you all the things that I learned from this past year as it relates to my weight loss journey.

1. Goal setting is important

Long term goals are great when they are realistic and paired with a plan. I also found that small mini goals each month or week really helped me stay focused, and make a big task seem much more reasonable.

2. Share your journey

Studies show that those that share their goals with others, including on social media, are more likely to accomplish them. This holds you accountable. When I was heavy into my weight loss, I was constantly tweeting, blogging, and posting pictures of my workouts. Not only did this show people what I was doing, it inspired others. When I realized how many people were reading my blogs and rooting me on to succeed, I didn't want to let them down. It kept me motivated. ( I plan to continue this in 2013)

3. Do it for yourself

I started this blog in 2009 or 2010. It is almost 2013. It took me years to realize that I had to want to lose weight for myself, not anyone else. Of course the male attention I get now is great, but I didn't decide to lose weight because of it. I wanted to be healthy and I wanted to make a lifestyle change.

Which leads me to my last lesson...

4. Make a lifestyle change

Dieting and exercise are great, but fad diets and attending some Zumba classes just isn't enough. You have to make a lifestyle change. This is something that I am still working on. I will talk about this a little later in my new goals.

Now for 2013. I am dedicating this year to discipline. I saw success in 2012, but I didn't discipline myself to the level at which I needed to. I really want to go to some more extreme measures to create a lifestyle change. I know people that make exercise a part of their regular routine and do not miss it. They think of exercise like sleep and eating, and that's what I want my life to look like.

1. 30-20-6

I still have 30 more lbs to lose in order to meet my goal of 20 percent body fat. At this weight, I should be in a size 6 jeans. The thought of single digits brings joy to my heart.

2. Complete the Tough Mudder

This isn't your average marathon. It is a military style race with obstacles, mud, water, and fire. Yes I said fire. I am going to be competing with my trainer and a group of other fitness gurus so I need to start training ASAP. I might just be the only female in the group.

Visit toughmudder.com to see what I will be getting into.

3. Transition into vegan

As most of you know I gave up meat 2 years ago and it has really changed my life and helped me in this journey. I felt as if I really wanted to discipline myself I needed to go completely vegan. Now I already avoid dairy since I am lactose intolerant, but I still eat yogurt and eggs. Being vegan will help my with my sweet tooth cravings. No more cookies or cake. :(

4. No alcohol

This might be the toughest goal of them all. If you know me, you know I like a stiff drink, or a brew during the game. Honestly, there is nothing positive about alcohol. It has empty calories with no nutritional value. It slows down your metabolism and I also crave some unhealthy foods after a night of drinking. Plus, being hungover or sluggish makes it very difficult to hit the gym the next morning.

I understand that my last two goals are more like my plan to get to my actual #1 goal, but I felt the need to list them anyways. I can now be held accountable for 2013. If you see me, please feel free to ask me about my goals and how they are going. I hope that you set some attainable goals for 2013 in health and fitness as well.

Tiffany

The Woman in the Mirror

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Wed, 09 May 2012 03:52:00 +0000

Think Wednesday. Hump day. The middle of the week, possibly the second worst day of the week besides Monday morning.You're half way up the hill. It's mile 10, and you have to get past it in order to finish the race. That's where I am at in my weight loss journey. It's Wednesday I am half way there and I just need a 5 hour energy shot to get through the day. I am officially down 61 lbs and I feel better than ever. I have been putting in work in the gym, eating healthy with minimal cheats, and the results have been showing. I have 45 lbs left to lose, which compared to 100 seems like a breeze. I will say that I still face everyday challenges. Body image has been an extreme issue for me from day 1.

When I first started losing the weight I was able to see it in my face and neck and I felt like I was making a lot of progress. But as soon as I got used to the way that I looked, I started to feel fat all over again. People continue to tell me that I look smaller, and of course my clothes are too big, but I continue to view myself as something that I am not. I critically analyze every photo taken of me making excuses for the way that I look, "I just look small because of the angle" "I'm just photogenic" instead of congratulating myself for my huge accomplishments. I think the real issue has to do with the fact that I am still not at the smallest I have ever been. I know that I still have a ways to go and I am anxious to be at my goal weight. The journey is not always as fun as we wish it to be. Don't get me wrong, I love working out now, and the gym is my new habitat, but I don't like suppressing my mouth-watering temptations to have cheese, chocolate and hot fries. I understand now that anything that I really want is going to take more sacrifice than I ever imagined. I am not only sacrificing food and time to exercise, but I am also sacrificing things that bring stress into my life, other people's opinions of what I should do, and I am only focusing on myself.

As my reflection in the mirror evolves everyday so does my self-esteem. With every step on the treadmill and bead of sweat that falls from my forehead, I am getting closer and closer to my physical goals. With every look in the mirror, I am getting closer and closer to being happy just being me, if I am 250 lbs or 150 lbs. This experience has taught me that my physical body doesn't have to be perfect, and that my personality, heart, and love for life is really what people find the most attractive. I hope that anyone that reads this can really take that in. In order to get the outside looking right, you must first work on the inside!

Recently I had a conversation with an ex. We were discussing my recent weight-loss and my future weight-loss goals. He thought it was a little ridiculous that I wanted to lose 105 lbs, which frustrated me. I always felt that he had a larger problem with my...well...largeness. When we talked about this, he responded with, " I didn't care if you were 250lbs or 150lbs. I didn't have an issue with your weight. I had an issue, that YOU had an issue with your weight." If I had heard this 3 years ago, I would have thought that he was lying, made excuses for myself, and continued my destructive behavior. At this point in time I felt like that statement was a revelation for me. I get it, and I feel guilty about it. There have been so many wasted years of my life that were focused on what I did not have, what I did not look like, that I pushed everything that was good away from me. I was a bucket of toxic waste. Who wants to be with that? Now with that understanding I am able to pick up the mirror and really take a good look at myself. I am able to see my worth. My worth is not defined by my jean size, my hair length, or height. My worth comes from how I treat people, my intelligence, my love towards others. Who I am will always trump what I look like, and my healthy inside will exude from my pores.

Today, take a look in the mirror and love what you see.

Tiffany

Mind Your Business

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 03:24:00 +0000

Well ladies and gentlemen, I have finally reached my my half way point and have lost a total of 50 lbs. Now, most people would say that it wasn't easy, but in all actuality it hasn't been that difficult, and I am going to tell you why.

For the last month I have been seeing my body transform, my clothes fall off, and my physical endurance increase, and it has made me really think about all the work that I put in. When I am in the gym, I go hard. As I have said before, I am extremely competitive and I always have been. Competition is part of my motivation, but most of the time I don't have anyone to compete with besides myself. The reason that I don't quit, and I work so hard when I am in the gym is because of my mental toughness. Over the last 9 months, I have not only been trying to get myself physically fit, but also mentally fit.

What I realized was that my mental state determined my physical state. Let me break it down for you. When I was constantly telling myself that I wasn't good enough, that I was too fat to do certain exercises, and that I would always be fat, I stayed fat.Obviously I couldn't do anything that I thought that I couldn't do. I was depressing. Not only was I preventing myself from being the best Tiffany that I could be I am sure that I was making the people around me miserable. Now that I have a new perspective I see how annoying people that are self-loathing and sad really are. Not to mention that depressing ish is contagious. I realized that I was parasite to the people that I was around, and as I started to change my attitude for other areas in my life, I also started to see a change in my attitude and performance in the gym. I give 100% every day. Well, except for two days before my period.

With my new positive attitude, and ingrained competitor nothing can stop me. Seriously nothing. I tell my trainer that I want to go harder, and I give him suggestions for workouts. When everyone else leaves the gym, I stay. I started running in December in hopes to complete a 5k. On Tuesday I ran with Black Girls Run, a running group black girls that run around the city, for the first time. When I run, I usually just run until I can't run any longer. I rarely know the exact distance, and I don't time myself ever. It's just me, the road, and my Jeezy pandora station. But on Tuesday I decided to put on a timer since I was officially running a 5k route. I ran it in 30 mins, was at the head of the group and over heard some seasoned runners say that was their best time. On the inside I was yelling "I'm a boss!" When I say your mind controls everything, it does! I was the largest of all the girls that I finished with. I realized that my size does not prevent me from doing anything. I can compete with girls half my size and win. Talk about satisfaction!

My success is all attributed to my change of mindset. Do not let your emotions control your behavior. I still feel loneliness, frustration, and sadness, but I do not let those emotions control me. I deal with them, then I let them go and keep it moving. I try to challenge myself everyday in some new way. In order to see real results, faster than ever you need to mind your business, meaning, focus on your goals. Keep them in sight at all times. Inspire yourself so that you do not lose track of what you are reaching for. This isn't just about weight loss, this can be applied to any goal that is set. I have reminders of my goals in many places in my house. I have a goal book by my bed, old picture with small weight loss check points in my closet, exercise reminders on my mirror, and when I feel like eating something I shouldn't I take a look at my fitness board on Pinterest and change my mind.

For all of my readers, I hope that you can take away something from this post. I really want to inspire those of you that are struggling with negative emotions that tell you that you can't accomplish your goals. I understand that I could cliche, but you can! Get your mind right, get off your butt, and get going!

Your fellow fatty,

Tiffany

That BIG Number

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 16:47:00 +0000

The last 30 + days have been tough! But every drop of sweat, every mile, and every shake of the head to chocolate, hot fries, and alcohol have been worth it. Since January 1, I have lost a total of 18 lbs! Although this amount of weight is not life changing, it is what I needed to get my mind right. Just like with my students, I need to see some success in order to feel more motivated and visualize my ultimate goal. Before I started back on my weight loss track, I had decided to opt for a reasonable goal weight of 175 lbs. The smallest I have ever been in around 180, and that was back in 2006. I loved the way that I looked at the time, so I thought it was a good goal to set.

I started looking at some old pictures of myself back in 2006, and I noticed that I wasn't as small as I thought that I was. I carry a lot of weight around my midsection, which is the worst. Although my face was smaller, and my collar bones were showing, there was clearly more weight that could be lost.

That same week I had a conversation with my trainer about my goals. He proceeded to tell me that he thought I would lose more weight than any of his other clients because of my hard work and dedication outside of the gym. Knowing that one of the girls I work out with has lost 80 lbs, and she reset her goal to 100 lbs, I looked at him like he had three eyes! How am I going to lose 100 lbs? I don't need to lose 100 lbs! I can't lose 100 lbs! These were all the thoughts that were going through my head as I stood there staring at him with my mouth gaped in silence.

With the input of another trainer that was in the gym, my thoughts about what my body could look like, and Rylen's advice, I had set my new goal weight to 150 lbs. I'm not going to say that I am not still completely daunted by the idea of losing a total weight of 104 lbs, but I am ready to do whatever it takes to get there. Since I have lost a total of 44 lbs, I am almost half-way there.

Like many people, I feel that my mind was preventing me to reach my goals. It is one thing to lose weight, so that you look like you used to look, however, thinking about a goal weight that you have never seen on your body is scary. My issue wasn't looking too skinny, or not being happy at my goal weight, please. My issue was the fear of failing, or even worse, not being able to recognize my self at my goal weight. I have no idea what I will look like at 150 lbs, because I have never been 150 lbs. It still scares me now as I talk about it. What I do know is that I want to be healthy, I want to be the best Tiffany that I can be. As I approach the last milestone birthday that doesn't make me feel old, I want to be in better shape at 25 than I was at 18, and I can say that I am on my way.

Last week I was able to bench 135 lbs , I haven't been able to do that since high school. I am running 10 miles a week in preparation for a 5k, which I have never done, and I can do things that I have never done. All of these things motivate me to be a better me and never look back. No cookie, chip, or burger can tempt me enough to get off the track that I am currently on. Honestly, I get excited to get to the gym, sweat it out, and go home exhausted. I get even more excited when I step on that scale and see a lower number.

I will continue to update you all monthly on my progress!

Your fellow fatty ( hopefully not much longer),

Tiffany

Fitness Bucket List: 2012

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 17:42:00 +0000

I wanted to create some fitness goals for 2012. These are things that I have always wanted to do, but I was either too scared, or too fat to accomplish.

- Run a 5k race
-Complete a Body Rock series bodyrock.tv
-Hike/run stone mountain
-Run a sub 8 minute mile
-Do 25 push-ups with out stopping
-Go to a hot yoga class
-Take a Ballet bar work class

I am currently training for a 5k I will be running with friends in February. My hate for running continues.

I danced for ten years, so I have taken hundreds of bar work classes, but its been years ago. I want to do it again.

I love doing yoga, and I heard hot yoga is just a sweaty mess. My kind of class!

Doing 25 push-ups will make me feel like a bad-ass. I think being strong is sexy.

If you haven't watched the body rock interval training on bodyrock.tv do it! These girls are serious about their workouts and abs. The workouts are only 12 mins, but they are literally the hardest 12 mins of your life. I would like to complete one without stopping.

I have lived in Atlanta for 2 years and I still haven't been to stone mountain. I've always wanted to feel like I am in LA hiking up a mountain with all the healthy skinny people.

My personal best mile time was like 7:25 when I was in high school. I am ready to not only get back to my high school weight, but also level of fitness!

What are your fitness goals this year?

The Biggest Loser

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 17:02:00 +0000

There is nothing sweeter than watching morbidly obese people run, sweat, and cry as they quickly drop hundreds of pounds on national television. I've always wanted to be on the show. I would tell myself "If only I was fatter!" I know it sounds crazy, but I would love to leave reality and be stuck on a fat farm with a trainer, healthy food, and a scale. What a perfect environment to lose the all the weight I need! Unfortunately, the reality is I live in a world filled with Reese's Cups, chocolate milkshakes, and Swedish Fish. A world that endorses laziness & over-consumption, but will publicly scrutinize you when you are fat. A world where pizza is a vegetable and models are fired if they are a size 4.

As the contradictions continue, I will continue to fight the good fight with my weight loss by doing it the right way. No fad diets, no diet pills, no short cuts. Weight loss is simple. Calories in and Calories out.

Good diet + adequate exercise = weight loss.

Easy right? Well not-so-much. But I am willing to take the challenge. I have spend the last ten years of my life educating myself on health, food, and my body. Now that I finally understand what it takes, I am finally able to be successful at keeping the weight off. I will not be counting calories, but I have been writing down everything that I eat to make sure that I am eating 6 times a day to keep my non-existent metabolism and high is it can go. I don't eat dairy, meat, bad carbs (white rice, white grains, pasta). I limit my sugars to fruit, and the occasional piece of dark chocolate. The only beverages I drink are 100 oz of water a day, green tea and my daily cup of black coffee. And most of all I highly enjoy steamed vegetables! For most people these changes may seem extreme, but the last year I have spent refining my diet in order to develop a healthy lifestyle. I want to make it clear that I am not dieting. This is how I eat everyday, and how I
plan to eat for the rest of my life. I no longer want to put processed foods, high sugars, and toxins into my body. The key to keeping the weight off is changing your lifestyle.

Now to the good stuff. Exercise. I hate cardio. Let me say it again. I hate running. But, I know that in order to create the body that I have always wanted, I am going to have to drop the dumbbells and run. There are a lot of people that start running, find their zone, and start to love it. They use it as an outlet and release all of their negative energies... blah blah blah. That is NOT me. Whenever I run I repeat in my head "you will not die from running. You will not die from running." So I continue to work with my trainer 3 times a week, run 2 miles on my off days, and do yoga and strength training.

I have a love/hate relationship with my trainer. I love him because when I am working out I hate him. On Saturday I thought that I was going to die. These are the moments when I am so sweaty that I know my fat is crying as it sees its death ahead. The one exercise that I hate is burpees. I didn't think there was anything worse than burpees, but I was wrong. Try burpees with a 15 lb medicine ball. Pretty much death. I believe that if you don't hate your trainer at least once a week, that you need to get a new trainer.

I was asked to participate with 12 other women in a weight loss competition and I couldn't say no. I love competition. I have been an athlete my entire life, and without joy of competition, I tend to compete at everything else: taboo, who can get to the car first, etc. This will be the opportunity to win some money, while I hold myself accountable to my goals.

I hope that in your new year, you have also set some healthy goals for your new lifestyle.

Stay inspired fellow fatties.

Food Journal

Death: Medicine ball throw downs

I'm Back!!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 03:06:00 +0000

To all those that consistently read and follow my blog, I want to sincerely apologize for my absence. I also want to thank you for your support over the last couple of years. I have received many comments and messages about posts and where I have been, and I am glad to say that I am back!

As I have mentioned before, my father died in February and that was very hard on me. I took some time off from writing and kept to myself, then started writing again. Shortly after that I was in a relationship which resulted in an end due to domestic violence. This was the final breaking point for me. It's so easy to get caught up in the unimportant things in life, and easy allow the things that matter the most, family, friends, God, to slip through your fingertips. This is exactly what happened to me.

This past summer I was pretty consistent in working out and trying my best to stick to my diet. I lost a few pounds, worked with a trainer a couple days a week, but after my 'incident' occurred it all came to a shocking halt. I quickly realized where my focus needed to be. It didn't matter how physically healthy I was, if I wasn't mentally healthy, it was all for loss. With that being said, I have spent the last few months really getting to know Tiffany. I decided to take a year and dedicate it to me. No men, no dating, nothing. I am 147 days in and I can honestly say that it is the best decision I have ever made for myself. I have been able to see what I really want out of my life without the distractions of relationships.

Now about right now. I have finally decided that it is the time to finish this work on this body that I have been out to do for the last 10 years. I have lost a total of 40 lbs since I started this journey, and I haven't gained back any of the weight since I have been on my sabbatical, but that is still not good enough.

Last week I was spending time with some male friends of mine. As many of you already know, I have several male platonic male friends (seems to be a problem). While out with a friend that I hadn't seen in a while, he asked if I had recently lost weight. I responded with yes. Then he proceeded, "you know, I was thinking, you would be really 'bad' if you lost weight." Now this is not the first time that I have heard this contradicting compliment, but this time it pierced me in a way that it hadn't before. I am looking up at this sweet, 6' + intelligent black man thinking, is this really what it takes to nab a guy like you? Now don't get it confused, this friend is not someone that I am interested in for several reasons, but he is the type of guy that I would like to see myself one day. This was the turning point for me. For the first time in my life, I realize how beautiful I am on the inside, and I want my outside to reflect the inside. I know that men see the positive qualities that I bring to the table, i.e. intelligent, cook, football lover, good with children. (And for the record, I'm not here to toot my horn, but to clarify my previous insecurities.)

So here I am 24 years old, on November 29, 2001 proclaiming my dedication to my health and my body. I don't want to be a size 4 or 6. I just want to be a healthy Tiffany, and I am willing to do whatever that takes. I now know that the key to being successful in my weight loss is discipline. I have the knowledge, the tools, and the resources to lose the weight. I have a gym membership, a trainer, I know everything about food, diet, and calories, but the only way I am going to be successful is if I am willing to just do it.

Since a 25th birthday is the last positive birthday landmark to have in an adult life, I have made that my goal date. My goal is to lose another 45 lbs. I know what some of you are thinking, but trust me, that's what I need to lose. It is a lofty goal, and I would be lying if I said it didn't scare me because it does. It's daunting, and I am fearful of even sharing this goal with you all because of the disappoint of not meeting it. But, I have 30 weeks to do it, which is 1.5 lbs a week. Very doable.

Now that I am back, I am back for good. I will continue to update my status weekly. I feel as if this blog is accountability for me. Feel free to continue to comment and message me about my blog and my weight loss journey. I hope that I can inspire those of you are battling the same disease that I am. I know that there are a lot of people out there that do not understand why fat people are fat. But food can be an addiction and it is for millions of people in this country. I am not perfect by any means. I have been struggling with my weight since childhood, I have been called every name in the book, but regardless, I will not allow anyone to stop me. Sometime we fall short, we relapse, we gain the weight back, we eat the chocolate cake on our diets, just know that it doesn't mean that its over. Get back on the treadmill, ride your bike, jump rope, or do whatever you need to do to burn off those 500 calories! Yes a piece of chocolate cake is 500 calories!

Keep it up fellow fatties!

Tiffany

Weight Loss and Other Things

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 04:25:00 +0000

I first want to apologize for the lack of attention I have given my blog. I know that there are many people out there that tune it whenever I write, give great feedback, and support me. Please forgive me.

I have recently lost 35 lbs. I wish I could be excited, but honestly, I have lost much more. My father. I have spent the last 7 years dealing with my father's illness, remission, and the sudden return of his cancer. Two months ago he passed away. I would be lying if I wasn't devastated, but I am still am. This is the main reason that I have been M.I.A. I find it hard to write directly after mourning. My thoughts are everywhere and it takes time for me to sort them out and get myself together. But I am back, and since I have not been writing at all, I have a lot to say. Nothing out of the usual.

Now back to this weight loss. The recent loss of my father gave me a wake up call on the reality of my situation. Life is very short. No moment is promised. I know that these are all sayings that we hear constantly and they have become a little more than cliche, but as I watched my father take his last breath, and I felt the life leave him as I was holding his hand, I had more than an epiphany.

My father had been big his whole life. I never saw him thin until his last days. I have never been thin either. Some would blame it on bad genes, but I blame it on bad habits. There were many times that my father was told to lose weight, and he attempted to. He never kept it off. I don't think that his weight was to blame for his death, but his weight did affect the quality of life that he did have before he died.

This makes me think about my own quality of life. No doubt I enjoy the life that I am living, but I begin to think about all the things that I don't enjoy in life because of my weight: clothing shopping, pool parties, vacations on the beach, dating, going out, etc. I have stated before that my weight has affected every aspect of my life and that is very true. I know that it sounds silly, but if you have never experienced issues with weight, you may not understand.

The issue of my weight has become even more vital. I want to live a healthy life. I have changed my life style. I slip up just like everyone else, but I have to understand that my issues with food are like those of an addict and I have to treat my disease. I am fighting a battle everyday, and unlike a lot of other people, my battle will never stop. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic, and I will also have an eating disorder, I am just trying to stay sober out here.

Mentally I have changed my game. I am currently on spring break, and I am doing two-a-day workouts all week. Interval training, training for an upcoming 5k, and kickboxing. I have really started to enjoy working out again. It is difficult because I have been doing everything alone, and I don't have the support like I did when I was back in high school, but I am pressing on through that as well.

I finally decided to show you all some before and in progress pictures. I don't want to say after, because my journey is far from over. I still have 50 more pounds to lose!

I stumbled upon these pictures on my mom's camera from the end of July. I was at my grandmother's house. I never realized how big I really was until now.

The Break-Up: Its not you its me.

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 21:03:00 +0000

My relationship has ended. I had to give him the speech.

"It's not you, its me. I am sure that are millions of others girls that would love to have you in their life, but I can't deal with you anymore. Our relationship has become unhealthy, I have been dependent upon you. I know, I know, you have been there for me whenever I needed you, you have given me TOO much. When I am down, you always find a way to pick me up, but I need to move on from this destructive courtship."

After years of holding on to something that has been so dear to me, I finally let go. That's right, I dumped him.

I broke up with food.

As I have mentioned before, my relationship with food, has been less than healthy. Food is an addiction, and a hard one to break. I have been eating healthier for the last 6 months, but I decided that in 2011 I would take a drastic change. I mean I want drastic results, so I had to take a leap. I am a vegetarian, so I no longer have the calories of meat. I am lactose intolerant, the only dairy I eat is mild cheeses ( feat, goat, parmesean).
I have defined a strick diet for myself and with the help of sparkpeople.com and my background knowledge of food, I track my calorie intake and calories burned.

I know that eating is not the only thing that needs to change, but it sure has made a difference. I can no longer go to McDonald's to grab a burger. The goal is not to diet. I am making a lifestyle change, and those people who are sucessful with weight-loss and more importantly keeping it off, have changed the ways that they live. This doesn' t mean that I won't ever eat Hot Fries again, I just know that when I do want to "cheat" or slurge on my calories that I need to work harder in the gym. It is a simple exchange.

Part of this lifestyle change is trading in my addictions. Transfering the energy I spent worrying about putting food in my mouth into work in the gym. I will talk more about this later.

I challege you to make a change in your life. It may not be weight-loss but some other bad habit or addiction that you need to rid your life of. You can do it. Make yourself better, get healthy, and get happy!

Talk to you later,

Tiffany

P.S. I have lost 8 lbs in the last 10 days!

Green with Envy

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Thu, 30 Dec 2010 06:40:00 +0000

Recently I had an argument with a significant other that was not out of the ordinary. Lately, when I am having difficulties in my relationships I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. We tend to find it very easy to blame things on the other party, especially, like in my case, when the other person involved may have had some transgressions in the past. This makes us feel like we have one up on them. It gives a false premises about ourselves, that we are perfect or in a higher position, although we all know that we are not. I am all about forgiveness, and once I forgive I automatically let go of the past. Easier said then done.

After this argument, during my time of reflection and meditation, I realized that what was important to me wasn't really about what I wanted. It was more about what someone else had once had. I have been comparing everything that he had done with this other girl and I wanted to make sure that he did all those things with me plus some. Some of you may be confused so I will give you an example.

When my guy dated this girl I knew that they had went on more than one vacation together, something that we were supposed to but because of school it never worked out. I had always been envious of her for several reasons. Mainly because he became more serious with her after dating me, and did everything with her that I wanted for myself. Although I would never admit to myself how much it hurt me, it did. Now that we are seeing each other again, he brought up the vacation idea. Of course I was all for it and ecstatic. When there was a chance that we may not go, of course I started freaking out. It was less about actually going on the vacation, and more like feeling like he loved me just as much as he loved her.

Envy is such a terrible sin. It takes over your real feelings and thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to go on a vacation with him because I wanted to get away and get to spend some really quality time with the person that I loved, but my determination in the matter was fueled by my envy. The crazy thing about the entire situation is that I really don't even know what I am envious of. Of course I saw little bits and pieces of their relationship, but it obviously didn't work out. The more I talked with my man about the situation, the more I learned about why he dated her after me, and how not so happy it was sometimes.

Now you may be asking what this has to do with me being fat. Trust me there is always a connection. This same envy I have seen myself having with other girls. I am surrounded by beautiful girls all the time. All of my friends are gorgeous. I have one friend in particular that is gorgeous. Every time we go out she is approached by several good looking guys and she flirts and bats her eyelashes with confidence. But as soon as we leave the venue I have to continuously hear her complaining about her body, hair, or anything that just doesn't seem good enough to her. I would die for what she has, and I am not just talking about looks. She has the ability to get every males attention in the room. Now I know that on a good day I am gorgeous as well, but I do not have that ability.

Every week I hear about the same insecurities that she has and it is so disheartening. It is so saddening to hear this beautiful woman talk down about herself. I still have not figured out if she is really insecure or straining for attention, both are as equally tragic.

It is amazing to see how each of us contain our own set of insecurities: our bodies, intelligence, or relationships.

It makes me wonder, is the grass really greener on the other side?

Of course,

Green with Envy.

With all of my blessings,

Tiffany

Dr. Idontknowish

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 04:24:00 +0000

I hate doctors.

I went to the ER tonight because of some numbness that I was experiencing in the left side of my body. I thought that maybe I had had a mini stroke since loss of sensation on one side of the body is a major symptom. After 5 hours in the waiting room, blood work, and a CAT scan of my brain, I was told that she didn't know what was wrong with me. What's new. Now I have to go to a neurologist ( again ) to see why I can't feel my foot or leg.

As I have mentioned before, doctors have a tendency to annoy me. I love them when they are able to diagnose and heal, but I hate it when they bring up things that have nothing to do with the problem that I am having.

For example, tonight I was complaining about the numbness in my leg, which was obviously a blood circulation problem, or a nervous system problem. The nurse that did my vitals asked me when my last period was, my cycle isn't always regular and I am late. She looked at me like I was pregnant, and I assured her that I was not. After my CAT scan I met with the doctor, and again I was asked the same question. I told her the date, and she looked at me like I was pregnant. I assured her that I was not, and she told me that it was a possibility. After checking the blood test, she realized that I wasn't, like I had said. Even if I was, what the hell does that have to do with my left side of my body being numb? Last time I checked, that wasn't a symptom of pregnancy.

After checking my vitals again, I was told that my blood pressure was high. I am glad that she was concerned about my over all health, but instead of asking me about my eating and exercise habits, she told me that I need to start exercising. Umm... excuse me ma'am please do not make assumptions about my lifestyle based on my outward appearance. I wanted to give her two upper cuts, a left hook, and a right round, but instead I politely told her how I was working on my weight and currently have lost 25 lbs. She quickly shut her trap. Maybe I am just sensitive about my weight, especially because her remarks seemed to cancel out the hard work that I have put in. Regardless I find it rude not to ask about how I do things in life. The assumption that all larger people are lazy and frumpy is annoying. I work out more than any of my friends, I am a vegetarian, and I eat healthier than anyone I know. Yes, occasionally I over indulge, but over all I am a healthy person. I hope that my new life style will pay off in the future.

I guess I have a lot more work to do than I thought, and I will take this experience as more motivation.

I still hate doctors.

Until we meet again,

Tiffany

The Way You Make Me Feel

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 03:56:00 +0000

As I am taking off my make up, I look into the mirror and stare at my self. I realize how beautiful I really am. This is the first time I have felt this way, without the influence of someone else telling me how pretty I look. I look at the half of my face with the make up, and the other half without. Both look pretty good. This new found confidence that I have in myself, is tainted by the thought of the rest of me.

In the last couple of months I have lost 25 lbs, I have changed my eating habits, and I have been working out more frequently. I feel good about myself, and what I have accomplished thus far, but I know I still have a long way to go until I am in the healthy zone. As continue on this journey I find my self emotionally all over the place. Some days I feel sexy, others, not so much. It amazes me how much others influence our own thoughts about ourselves. I do not care what anyone says, you are influenced by the feelings of others around you.

I remember watching Katt Williams' stand up, "The Pimp Chronicles" where he asks, " How can I f*&# up the way YOU feel about YOU? It's called self-esteem!" Men everywhere were quoting this on social networks, to their friends, and more importantly their girlfriends. Thinking about it at the time I was on the bandwagon screeming, "Yeah Katt, you right!" Especially after a guy I was dating at the time, continuously told me how I shouldn't let others thoughts about me affect me. Easier said than done.

But now as I look back on my own experiences, I realize that this isn't such a true statement at all. It is easy to say that you shouldn't care about what others think, but is it even healthy to follow that rule? Since I am a teacher, I constantly see children get their feelings hurt by the words of others. Words do hurt. They are seeking the approval of their peers, their parents, and adults that surround them. Really we are no different then these 8 year olds. We are constantly seeking the approval of our peers, our bosses, and most importantly, the opposite sex.

We spend most of our lives finding ways to find the perfect mate. Men go to the gym, try have great careers, spend money on dinners, shoes, and fancy clothes, all for the approval of women. I could list all of the things that women do, but we all know how that will end. My point is, we were created to mate with the opposite sex, fall in love, make babies, and create a life with someone else. So hell yeah the opinion of your potential husband or wife matters.

I am currently dating a very opinionated person. He is never quick to bite his tongue, and tells me pretty much everything that he thinks is wrong about me. Now when we dated a few years ago, I was too immature to handle the things that he was saying to me. I thought that he was just trying to find ways to piss me off, put me down, and make himself feel better, but now I realize that it is much different than that. A few months ago he confessed to me that the reason that he critiques me is because he loves me so much that he wants me to be the best me. He told me that he knew how amazing I was and all the potential that I had, and he wanted everyone else to see in me what he sees in me.

At that moment, I knew that I wanted to marry this man. It is difficult to take critism from others, because most of us are our own worst critics, so to even think about someone else feeling negatively about anything that we do, or even what we look like is somewhat terrifying.

When people comment on my personality, honestly I do not care. I love the way that I am, plus it is easy to tone down my brashness or say what people want to hear. But when someone comments on your appearance, the way you look, it hurts. It hurts because most of us cannot change those things, and those of us that can, become addicted to working out, plastic surgery, etc. When do we draw the line? When do you stop caring just enough to maintain your own self esteem? I can truthfully say that I think I am a 10; a beautiful woman, extremely intelligent, personalable, funny with a tender heart, but when I walk into a bar and men seem to miss all of those qualities, and focus on the fact that I have no waist, it makes it difficult to stay positive about everything else that I do have. I know that I am not the only person that deals with battle. I wish I had some magical way to forget it all, but its not that simple.

All people want to feel loved. We want to feel beautiful, not only to ourselves, but also to someone else. Some people make us feel that way through their actions. Maybe they have a strong physical attraction that exudes from them, or they continuously show affection. Others display it through their words. They tell you they love you, write you letters, poems, and express how they feel.

But what if you aren't receiving either? How is your self-esteem? Just something to ponder.

My Frienemy

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 03:18:00 +0000

I am off from one of the best weekends of my life. This past weekend was spent with my ex-boyfriend, future... something, and I have had several revelations. The first is within our relationship. When I look at some of my issues with weight, I have realized that my weight has played a major role in the relationships that I have with my friends, family, and lovers. As you have read, I have mentioned all of these people through my journey because they are so much a part of me, and everything that I do is connected to the other. When I think about the relationship that I have with my ex, I know that my weight, and how I felt about my self had a negative barring on us as a couple. When we first started dating, I also thought of him as a 10 and myself as a 7. Because of this I was always making reasons in my own mind about why he didn't like me instead of thinking about all the reasons that he did like me. I ended completing self-sabotage. I mean who would want to be with a person that questions your motives and doesn't have enough confidence in themselves in order to believe that what you have is legit. Now this was not an overnight epiphany, but rather a 3 year long journey that has been extremely rough and tiresome, but in the end I have realized my own self worth.

When I think about my relationship with food, I realize that food is my best friend and my worst enemy all at the same time. My frienemy. When I am happy, I celebrate with food. When I am sad, I eat to make it all better. Either way I am eating, a lot. I have allowed food to control me and my relationships. Just like breaking up with a boyfriend, it is difficult to break up with food. Imagine dumping someone that you love, but then, having to see them everyday, 3 times a day for the rest of your life. That would nearly be impossible. Instead of breaking up with food, I have realized that I need to change my relationship with food. I have to retrain my body to think about food differently. I am still in this process, but I am trying to take it day by day.

Being a fat girl is difficult, but I think that I have been blaming too many of my problems on my fat. It is easier to say that a guy doesn't like you or want to be with you because you are fat, rather than he just didn't like me. I can change the fat, but me? That is something that is much more difficult. When my ex came to see me and was all about me, I realized that he has always loved me, just like I loved him. Not just the way he looked or the way he dressed, simply him. I would be lying if I said I haven't pulled some fine men because I have. I now know that me, Tiffany, can't be that bad, because there are men that like me, and the more that I am myself, the more they like. It is when I am an insecure fat girl that looks unhappy,that I don't get what I want. But who would want that ?

As I continue on this journey, regardless of the outcome, I hope that I can continue to grow and understand myself, my relationship with food, and my body. There is no way that I can want to change me if I really don't know me.

Until next time,

Tiffany still your fellow fatty.

Thintervention

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 19:47:00 +0000

As I sit on my bed watching Jackie Warner kick some spoiled, overweight, rich folks asses, I think about how lazy they are and how many excuses that these people with nothing better to do are making up everyday. Then I realize, I am sitting on the bed watching something that should be motivating me to get off my ass, but instead, I am taking my negativity out on someone else who is doing exactly what I am doing. Absolutely nothing. I think to my self, and realize that I haven't worked out in days. I haven't ate right all week, my weight has been stagnant, and I have every reason to be motivated. In less than a week, the love of my life will be visiting me for the weekend, although you should never let a man be the reason to lose weight, it is a strong motivation nonetheless. I am single and living in a new city, where the men are scarce, and the semi-beautiful women are bountiful. I only have one responsibility and that is my self, so it is time that I stopped talking about what I am going to do and just do it. It is easy to be motivated, but harder to get up. So I did just that, I got up, put on my gym clothes and went to kickboxing class. It is crazy, because I really love kickboxing so I am not so sure why my lazy self avoids going to the gym. I think there is some type of fear that comes with change, maybe I will change, but nothing else will improve in my life, or maybe I will change and everything else will change as well. There is so much in the unknown that makes all of us feel uneasy. I will be honest, which I always do, there is nothing better than feeling comfortable. But there is something that is pleasing and exciting about the unknown, and I am finally ready to venture out into that uncomfortable place, that hopefully one day will be my new haven.

I want to talk a little more about food. I have said before that food and overeating is an addiction, but now I can confirm it. Sugar releases the same chemicals into your body as those of drugs and alcohol. Most Americans are addicted to sugar in one form or the other. Carbohydrates, a personal favorite of mine, simple sugars, fructose corn syrup, and the list goes on and on. No wonder I have been fighting this fat for so long! The sugar that we are given as children is our first high, our first moment of indulgent pleasure, and because of that I have been struggling for the last 20 years. Well... I refuse to struggle any longer, as I promise to myself to get my shit together, and make changes that will better myself.

Eat the Competition! Well... not really!

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 23:05:00 +0000

Last night my roommate jumped on my scale and decided that she wanted to lose some weight too. Usually I get annoyed when "smaller" girls complain about their weight, but I knew her request was legit so I agreed. We decided to be accountability buddies and create a workout calendar and goal sheet for ten weeks. We are going to break down our total goal into small weekly goals. We will weigh in every Tuesday, then record the amount lost. My goal was much higher, since my overall goal is to lose 65 pounds. I have quickly learned that if you mention your weight loss goal to others, they look at you like you are crazy. But to much of your surprise, I am a lot heavier than I may appear. My goal weight is not skinny, but healthy and I know that it will be best for me.

Our charts and calendars are supposed to be for accountability and motivation, but of course my competitive spirit wants to turn it into a competition. Nothing is more satisfying than winning, knowing that you completely out did, out worked, and demolished the competition.

I plan to lose about 2.5 to 3 lbs a week. When you are creating goals it is important to make sure that they are measurable, ambitious, and attainable, and timely. This goes for any goal, not just weight loss, I am glad to say that mine are all of the above. We decided to create a 10 week plan, 26 lbs is my goal. The bigger you are the quicker they drop, so hopefully they fall fast!

I was reassured by my goals when I sat across from a woman at my training today that was talking about her high blood pressure medicine. Although my health at this point is fine ( and probably much better than some of my skinnier friends) she was not that much bigger than me. It is somewhat of a reality check when you see the damage that food can do to your body. There was also irony in the story that we were reading during this discussion about a woman who killed both of her husbands by feeding them to death. Scary, I know!

I am starting to see results already. I know that other people probably do not notice, but for the last year, you could say that I did a whole lot more eating than exercise, and I lost all of my tone and muscles. After a few kickboxing classes I can see the definition coming back. Although my body fails me a lot, I am lucky to have more testosterone than the average female, given my low register voice, competitiveness, and other things that will be kept private, but besides that it also gives me the ability to increase muscle mass much more easily. I have to be careful not to bulk up, but it only takes a few weeks to get my arms back looking right.

I am so excited about my new body, and hopefully the new attitude that comes along with it! Now its off to kickboxing.

Kick some ass this week,

Tiffany

Fat is Funny

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 02:12:00 +0000

This past weekend I was with my best friends and we were hanging out with some guys after we had went out. They didn't know us that well, but after a few minutes ( and a few drinks) we all seemed to hit it off. We started talking about music, sports, relationships and everything. Since my friends were just visiting, both of the guys were interested in hanging out in the future. Don't get too excited, remember what I said about being a guy's girl? Well this is just another example. They were impressed by my knowledge of sports, interest in hip-hop, and frequent sarcasm. We all exchanged numbers, and I expect that these two will be some of my new guy friends in Atlanta. The next day I was told by one of the two that I was hilarious. Now this is something that I get quite often, but it made me think. Am I that funny? And if so, why?

Think about your favorite comedians, male or female. I can bet that they are either, fat, funny-looking, or short. Bernie Mac had a lazy eye, Richard Pryor, well... wasn't Denzel, and Kevin Hart is bite-size. This isn't some type of coincidence that the funniest people suffer from socially unacceptable features.

Fat, short, and funny-looking people have spent their lives trying to avoid public humiliation. It starts when we are in elementary school. I clearly remember the names that I was called, and the jokes that were said when I was younger, and these memories become even more vivid when I go to work everyday. I teach 8 year olds, and to say the least, they are vicious. I am sure psychologists will say that it is some part of human nature, but none the less it is sad.

Those of us who were "different" growing up have spent most of our time finding ways to avoid the shots that are fired. The best way to accomplish this task? Make fun of yourself! That way you say something everyone was already thinking before you get hurt by their words. There have been too many times where I have made jokes about my weight in order to make people feel comfortable about the situation that we were in, or to avoid someone else from doing it first. I have to say, this is a terrible trait. But rather than digging into the human brain, I would like to pose a question.

Yes, Fat is funny, but is it attractive?

When you ask a woman to list the qualities that she is looking for in a future man/husband, along her long list you will find "he needs to make me laugh". Now, when this same question is posed to a male, not only will you get a much shorter list, if a list at all, but funny is usually not included.

I have been called funny a few million times in my life, but I can count the number of times I have been called attractive on two hands. This could be because I really am not that attractive, something which I refuse to believe, or because that is not something that a man finds a want in a relationship. I find that men are always looking for women that have a sense of humor, and many of you may think that means funny, but in guy language it means don't get too sensitive when I make jokes about you, and when I do tell jokes, please laugh. Men are always looking for an ego boost, especially from their girl.

The more that I think about it, the less I think that a man actually wants a funny girl. Women with wit, are more than likely going to be intelligent. Hey, its not easy coming up with fast jokes. Anything that can damage a man's ego is usually a no-no. This is something that I have personally struggled with in the past year. I am so conditioned to defend myself, that it is nature for me to attack someone with my oh-so-harmless jokes. What I have found is that men don't really like to have someone that can challenge them, especially a women. It takes away from that whole alpha dog persona. It never occurred to me until recently that this was a problem, and now that I am meeting new people I sense a difference, and most men do not appreciate my humor.

Ironically this post really isn't that funny, but more of something that has been on my mind.

Should a woman tone herself down in order to find a mate? Do we need to be tamed?

I do not have the answers to these questions since I am still trying to find myself. I still need to figure out what I need to do in life before I dive head first into this relationship world. My opinion right now is that I am too old to try and change my personality, but who knows what the future will bring.

I KICK ASS!

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 02:52:00 +0000

Left jab, cross, hook, cross, jab, round house, left kick, jab, hook, cross... this was the first combination that I was given in my "beginner ready" kickboxing class. Luckily I am familiar with boxing jargon, but wasn't expecting to be thrown in the middle of a mat, with my gloves on for the first time, kicking the hell out of a 100 lb bag. I have to say, that I fell in love today. It was the most difficult workout that I have had since I played high school basketball, and even though I was sweating profusely and dying out there with the other people that clearly have been to a few more classes than myself, I enjoyed every moment of it. If you have ever been a serious athlete, you understand the bittersweet feelings that you have for soreness in the morning, and the aching from a great workout. There is nothing else like it! Exercising gives your endorphins, and after I work out, even if I am dead tires, I always feel an extraordinary high. The upside to my new workout is the calories that I burn. Kickboxing burns between 800-1000 calories and hour, and since I am on the heavier side, I will probably be burning more like 1000 +. I was motivated in the class for two reasons: one, my instructor wasn't bad on the eyes. He wasn't really my type, but definitely good looking, and I just felt like a loser every time I wanted to take a breath when he was watching me. If he was ugly or fat, I wouldn't have cared a bit, but as the sweat was dripping down my forehead I kept thinking about what he thought of me as I was trying to round house my bag. Two, punching a 100 lb bag is very therapeutic. I had PLENTY of inspiration from my bitter past that allowed me to want to knock the head off of some six-something, dark-chocolate, asshole ( a combination of all my exes). If you are super stressed out, just got dumped, played, or all of the above, I do suggest taking a kick-boxing class, you will not regret it!

I have already dropped a few lbs in this last week just with diet alone. I always eat better when I am on a schedule. Working full-time, especially as a teacher, doesn't allow me to snack at all. In the evening, I have even been busy, so I eat grilled chicken, spinach, asparagus, etc. and that is it. I am loving my new environment, job, and hopefully soon, body. I promised myself that when I moved down here to Atlanta, that I would really reevaluate my life and really make major changes that were in my favor. I am so used to changing for the benefit of others, which leaves me with a sense of false fulfillment and in return leaves me cold and empty inside. I have plenty of time to think about me, about who I am, what I want, and what I can do to make me happy, that I am finally ready to take some new steps. The weight-loss is just one small step forward in the new life that I plan to make for myself. I am ready to "kick" out all my bad habits and finally make me happy. As much as I talk about how much weight affects my daily life, and I won't lie it really is a factor, it is not the reason that I feel a certain way about myself, and because of that, I cannot wait until the weight is gone in order to make changes, because my life is much more that my fat.

Fat and the Family

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 04:32:00 +0000

For the past two months I have been in Atlanta training for my new job. I found that the first week I was getting fed small salads, grilled chicken and rice everyday WITHOUT seconds! I was walking up and down hills on campus in the Georgia sun, and I had to have lost 5 lbs. But quickly that ended, as my schedule was packed and I was working 12 hour days and eating dining hall food. Not to mention that dining hall food at Georgia Tech includes honey biscuits, cheesy grits, sausage and gravy, fried okra, collard greens, fried green tomatoes... I could go on. I love southern food, which is going to be something that I will have to overcome as I make my new life in this great city.

Today I decided that I needed to get my life back together. I suggested that my brother play basketball with me today for my exercise. Surprisingly he said yes. We played three games, I was up in the first two by 3 or 4 pts and he hit the threes on me (which I didn't know existed in our driveway) and won. It was only 95 degrees outside, and the last time I played basketball one-on-one was 5 years ago. Getting beat by my 17 year old varsity ball playing brother wasn't so bad, it didn't hurt my pride, but surely hurt my body. My goal is to get in shape, come back home and kick his ass... I hate losing.

Its funny how people always look surprised when I tell them that I used to play basketball. Then when I tell them that I was good, they give me that yea-sure-you-were-in-your-mind kind of look. When this happens I have to go into explaining how I averaged double digits in points and rebounds, and how I hold the bench press and squat weight lifting records, and how I was recruited by several schools to play in college, and I eventually feel like I am begging people to believe that I was actually a good athlete. This desperation is ridiculous, but my pride is like that of 20-something year old man, and I hate when people doubt me.

I have learned that my guise has been the main cause for doubt in my short lived life.This has caused much frustration for me. I understand that everyone is so concerned with my health, but please allow me to deal with my own personal issues. It is bad enough that my mom mentions my weight every five minutes, and tries to nonchalantly talk about food and exercise, but I don't need anyone else to do it too.

Some of my family is going to get together to celebrate my grandmother's 90th Birthday. I was relieved when I had to attend a wedding out-of-state that weekend for one of my closest friends, not because I don't enjoy spending time with family, but for some reason they tend to forget about my college degree, new job, and big move, and only focus on the fact that I gained weight. Remember when I said when you are fat no exercise looks good, I guess this can also be applied to any accomplishment.

One of my aunts, whom I think is my God-mother, sad I know, badgers me beyond belief. After my major weight-loss in high school I went to Cancun, Mexico for spring break. My aunt picked me up from the airport and was ecstatic by my look svelte body and golden tan. Almost a year later, my favorite uncle died and we were all gathered for the funeral. One of my aunts had made a comment about how beautiful I was when suddenly the other interupted with a "No No No! She was so beautiful when I picked her up from the airport not that long ago." At that moment I realized that my own family ignored the beauty that I thought that I possessed on the inside and outside. It doesn't matter that I was on the dean's list in college every semester, that I graduated with honors, that only 20% of applicants make it into Teach for America and I happened to make it in, or that I secretly have an elaborate plan in effect to take over the world. What people see on the outside trumps the what is resonating on the inside and it saddens me. As much as I want to lose weight for my own personal reasons, including health and self-esteem, sometimes I just want to jump off of the deep end and tell everyone to eat a donut because I am staying fat and fabulous! And I might throw a few F-bombs in there.

The truth of the matter is, I won't do that. What other people think isn't supposed to matter right? But it does, it matters a lot, and most of the time we sit there and sulk about what others think about us, and we allow ourselves to determine our own self worth based on the opinions of people that are important in our life. The more important they are, family, significant others, and parents, the more it hurts, and the more difficult it is to say, "f@#$ what you have to say about me, because I am me, and I am amazing!". But this is what we need to do, because honestly no one knows what is best for you besides you and God. No matter how great your mother or father is, when you are an adult, there opinion of you matters less. This is something that I am currently working on. I have people in my life that I hold so high, so what they say to me is important, but everyone doesn't have the best intentions, and as much as I hate to think about it, its the truth.

As I continue on this journey to my ultimate goal, I have to continuously remind myself of the great things that I do and have done. It is easy for me to focus on my fat and forget about everything else that is going on in my life, but the reality is that there is so much more to me than my size, and when I am able to truly and honestly believe that, it will be easier to shed the pounds.

Until then....

Keep it truckin!

Tiffany

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Fri, 21 May 2010 05:01:00 +0000

I touched on my matchmaking skills earlier, but I did not go in depth in the extent of what I have actually done. Matchmakers are funny people. Most of us usually fail at our own relationships, and are terribly bad at finding worthy partners, but for some reason, it is so easy for me to connections between other people. In high school I used to set up all of my friends. I was pretty good because I wasn't setting up my girl friends with random men that I met at a bar, but with my guy friends. Men, or shall I say boys, that I knew inside and out. Many of them had expressed some type of interest, and I was able to see which one of my friends they would like. Given, I did have a 99% rate, and some of the relationships, although it was only high school, lasted years. I wish I was getting paid back then to do it. When I went to college I vowed to myself that I would give it up, and spend time looking for my own significant other, but once again, like any bad habit I continued to do my good deeds.

Many of you may be wondering how this has anything to do with being fat, and trust me it does. Because I was unable to hold a successful relationship, mostly due to the fact that boys weren't interested in me, I chose to live my life through the relationships of my friends. I don't want to sound like some sick stalker, because it was not some creepy pleasure, but more of a subconscious addiction. If I can't be happy, someone else will be. This thought goes beyond the simplicity of matchmaking and occurs in the way that I treat people. You will find that many people that suffer with obesity, find pleasure in care giving. It is the reassurance that people like you, accept you, and even love, although they may not. I have found my self in several relationships where I was literally taking care of, paying for, and doing everything in my power to make my partner happy. I used to say "making you happy makes me happy". Many people may use this phrase, but I lived by it. Matchmaking for me is the same concept. I know that I can't be with the tall, dark, gorgeous man across the room, so I will introduce him to my beautiful friend, instead of introducing myself and risking getting rejection.

Most people are scared of rejection, if not all, but it consumes those who already have low self-esteem and image issues. My addiction does not always allow me to think clearly, and any of my friends will tell you that I am loyal, caring, and loving ( for the most part) but what they do not know, is that deeply, I wish that someone would care for me in the same way. But it is impossible to live up to the standards of myself since I am willing to do anything for a person that I love.

I have been asked by more than one of my male friends to cook dinners for their girlfriends while they surprised them with romantic evenings filled with candles, flowers, and R & B music. Of course I say yes as I slave away in the kitchen preparing a meal as if I am Aunt Jemima feeding her master. I have shopped for their girlfriends birthday presents, and planned romantic evenings. Again, I should be getting paid for this, but I do it out the kindness of my heart, while I die on the inside hoping that good karma will come my way and repay me with the same. Sometimes we need to create our own karma.

I need to start taking care of myself, putting myself first, treating me. Taking risk isn't also fun or easy, and yes it does come with disappointment, but if we continue to stay stuck in our ruts, we will never see anything new. Now I am not saying that I will give up my matchmaking completely, but maybe I should pursue the nice guy that I like for myself, instead of passing him off on my friend because I feel that I am not worthy. I vow that I will no longer speak to my friend on the behalf of another male, i.e. "Aye, let me get at your girl". I am sure that I will quickly be labeled as the ugly, fat, bitter friend. It's okay, nothing new,but I think that us fatties need to stick up for ourselves. Most of the guys that date my friends have secret crushes on me anyways. How do I know this you may ask? They eventually tell me. Its unfortunate that they are too scared to pursue me in the beginning. If you aren't a fatty and you want to understand my life, picture me as Queen Latifah in "Just Wright" except for I don't get Common at the end of the movie. No Hollywood endings over here. Instead I clean up all the pieces. My best friend is crying on my shoulder, while Common is blowing up my phone, saying how much he wants her back and he forgives her for leaving him in his time of need. Oh yea, I also get a little pat on the back for being there the whole time while he was hurting. Ain't that bout a bitch.

That's how real life goes, and yes its sad. It doesn't make much for a blockbuster hit, but its real. I hope that others can learn to change things in their lives. The first step to getting over an addiction, is admitting that you have a problem.

Until we meet again,

Tiffany

Just Friends

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Sat, 15 May 2010 06:33:00 +0000

I have mentioned how I have a lot of beautiful friends, female ones, but honestly I have a lot of good looking guy friends as well. I am really a guys girl. Guys love being my friend. I love sports, guy talk, I deal well with vulgarity, and they feel comfortable telling me anything and everything. Sometimes I even think like a guy, and I think that is what attracts men to me, but not in a romantic way, its like I have several "bromances" but I am not a bro. Most of my friends of the opposite sex, I was attracted to in the beginning. When a man is good looking, and wants to spend lots of time with you, its hard not to be attracted to them. But its pretty easy for me to find out when they are "just friends" and not interested in more.

There are several signs that get to me to this assumption. It starts with not trying anything after several times of hanging out. Hanging out all the time, but not going out is another sign, although I was taken on a date with one of my good friends, before we were good friends. The tell to be 100% sure that a guy isn't interested in me is when he asks about one of my friends. This happens quite frequently, sometimes it makes me feel as if he is using to get to my friends, but to prevent to sounding upset or bitter or revealing my discomfort and true feelings, of course I entertain it. My entertaining of this, is yet another topic.

Because I have encountered this same relationship with men several times, I find myself expecting it to occur. If I don't get the "interested in you more than friends vibe" I tend to immediately put him in the "friend zone". I know that others of you have done this as well. It is self- sabatoge. I won't lie, I am scared to be rejected just like the anyone else, and having a slight attraction or crush on someone then finding out they really want to be with any of your friends, well is quite disheartening. I guess that's why its called a "crush". I am not going to sit here and say that men are rude ( even then a lot of them are) but if you are approaching a woman you do not know to ask about her friend, you are a pussy. Excuse my French, but please grow some cajonas and approach her yourself.

I love being the friend, and I love spending time with men, but it would be nice to spend time with a man that wants to have good conversation with me, and maybe a little something more. We can still talk about sports and watch ESPN, but maybe negate the sexual stories from last weekend. I am afraid that I am going to put someone that actually wants me as more than a friend in the friend zone and ruin a potential relationship. But am I willing to be vulnerable only to find out he is just another man in pursuit of my bff? I am not so sure.

Don't self sabotage your relationships!

Tiffany

I'm Back

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Sat, 15 May 2010 05:52:00 +0000

To all my followers, I apologize that I haven't not been posting so frequently. I will say that the last couple of weeks have been crazy, but I am also happy to say that I am finally a college graduate! I am living at home with my parents for the next couple of weeks, I thought that it would be hell, but I actually enjoy it. I stay up all evening, sleep all day, and my mother calls me when food is on the table. I am my father's personal chauffeur to the hospital and chemotherapy, but I don't mind. I don't have to pay for a damn thing and I love it, but I do know it is short lived, and soon I will be all on my own. Anyways, my weight loss is kind of at a stand still, but I just started back up to the routine. I like routines and schedules, they always enable me to eat right and eat less. When I am working and busy, I tend not to think about food, its the times like these when I am not doing anything that I get bored, sad, and eat eat eat! I hope that all of those that are trying to eat better are finding ways to work it into your daily routine. Remember exercise makes a huge difference, and you will start to feel better instantly with some daily workouts. I know I do!

God Bless,

Tiffany

What is Fat?

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Tue, 04 May 2010 05:37:00 +0000

I have several friends that are serial dieters. I am not talking about doing Adkins, South Beach, or Weight Watchers, but going to extreme means to lose a few pounds. When I say few, I really mean less than 10. They don't have any more to lose. I am a firm believer of staying healthy (hence the point of this book), but I am not sure how healthy it is to cut calories to a ridiculous low and I know that I couldn't do it. Regardless of the health effects that come along with it, or the instant weight gain that proceeds, I commend these women for the determination to stay away from fat. I mean hey, "Thin is always in" right? I am not here to criticize anyone's personal convictions, but it does bring me to the question: What is fat?

Since I can remember I have been called fat, even when I wasn't fat. I was 5' tall when I was in the 3rd grade, and by the time I was in 5th grade I was 5'6". It is easy to mistake hips, thigh, and boobs for fat when you are 9 years old, or at least my classmates did. I went to an all white school for the entirety of my education. I refuse to call it "predominately white" because everyone was white besides me was white. There is a major difference between cultures when it comes to weight. I remember in high school when my guy friends would talk about other girls. They would call them fat asses because they had fat asses. These were the types of bodies that most of us black women would die for, but they were only "fat" in the eyes of a white man. I highly suggest that these women date black men if they aren't already.

So many of my female friends (black and white) complain about their weight in ways that drives any fatty crazy. I do apologize, but I can not be supportive of women with body image issues, that have, according to societies standards, perfect bodies. There is nothing worse to me then being in the dressing room of a department store, trying to put my thighs in a pair of skinny jeans, and then hearing "Oh my God Tiffany, I am so fat". When I walk out of my room she is standing there with her size 6 jeans zipped up, I repeat zipped up! If you are not in the double digits I don't really want to hear about your weight issues, because clearly you don't have any. I get it, people gain a few pounds here and there, but its nothing that can't be easily solved. Telling a fat person that you think you are fat when you are not, then turning around and trying to convince the real fatty that they aren't fat is contradicting and most importantly insulting. I wish I had a dollar for every time this situation has happened, oh I would be one rich woman!

Being fat is more than a pant size or a number on the scale, honestly its a mind set. A bad habit that needs to be broken. There are many fatties out there that really don't even know that they are fat, and that is perfectly fine. They are probably living care free lives, and they won't know that they are fat until they have a heart attack, stroke, or are diagnosed with diabetes.

If you are questioning if you are fat are not here are a few things that can help you decide:

If you can only fit the largest size in most department stores, you are probably fat.

If you are the last girl approached in your group of friends, you are probably fat, or ugly, or maybe a known slut, no I take the slut part back.

When someone is trying to think of insults to down you with, and all they can call you is a fat ass, you are probably fat. But you should take this as a compliment, because they had nothing else to say but the obvious.

If you go to the doctor's office ( no matter what kind) and he or she reminds you of your weight, you are probably fat. My chiropractor even reminded me of this, what's next, the dentist?

If people look at the seat next to you on the bus, and half of your ass is on it so they stand instead, you are probably fat.

If you don't wear belts because you can't find any in your size, you are probably fat.

I suggest that all of my fellow fatties stand up to their skinny bitch friends, and put them in their place. Next time you hear one of them call themselves fat ask them this, "Would you rather be my size?". If that doesn't shut her up, then offer to buy her a salad and water for lunch, it might work.

Recognize your weight, if you don't like it, change it. If you can't change it, shut the hell up!

Best wishes,

Tiffany

Emotional Eater

noreply@blogger.com (Tiffany) — Sun, 02 May 2010 02:29:00 +0000

As many others out there, when I am upset, I eat. It is a terrible problem, because the more I eat the more unhappy I am, then I create this crazy cycle of eating more, and more, and more...

The last couple of weeks have been extremely stressful for me. Not because of the stress of school and graduating, but my because of way more important things. My father was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease ( a form of cancer of the lymph nodes) in 2002. He was treated with chemotherapy for a year, and was put into remission. Since then he was forced to retired due to his health, but he was close to retirement so it wasn't that bad. Last couple of times that I went home I could sense that something was wrong. My father's behavior overall had changed. He can barely breath, he is on oxygen, and it hard for him to walk anywhere. I knew that things weren't good, but I didn't want to say anything without reason from doctors. I found out this week that the cancer has returned in a form of a tumor on his other lung. They can treat it, but it is cancer. I have been mentally prepared for the worse for years, but facing reality and death isn't always easy. There are no guarantees in life.

Financial stress is another things that always seems to plague me. Graduating is great, and knowing that I am going to have a job in the fall is even better, but the transition from student loans to no paycheck is a killer on my wallet. I just keep praying that I can make it through the summer.

I know that I talk a lot about my weight and weight loss, and how important that it is to me. But I do want you to understand that there are things that are way more important that self image or even health. I try to make my friends and family a priority at all times, and I hope you all do the same.

I had said earlier that I have only lost 1 lb in the last couple weeks, and it is extremely discouraging. In America we want instant gratification, which means a slow weight loss isn't something that I really enjoy. I am not patient about anything in life, and I would love to spend my summer in a two-piece bikini, but realistically that is not gonna happen. Sometimes I get ahead of myself, and I set unrealistic goals, which in return just lead to disappointment. I suggest that you set small goals that you know you can reach, and if you reach them too easily, start setting tougher ones.

I need to get into beast mode asap, because I want to be healthier and I want to be slimmer before I start my new job. Hopefully with the support of all of my readers, and some motivation I will reach my goals!

Until we meet again,

Tiffany