What do you do then? You cannot make your spouse want wholeness more than s/he wants to quell the pain. You cannot force someone to walk away from the self-medicating that has become more than habit, but an ingrained part of life. As the expression goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink. As frustrating as that is, it’s true.

I liken it to a physical addiction of alcohol or drugs – when the spouse has to choose between continuing to enable the addict’s behaviour or letting him/her organically grow the desire for sobriety. It’s SO hard, watching your loved one stumble. It’s SO hard to eschew self-protecting behaviours. It’s SO hard to trust them to a God Who loves them even more than you do.

So what do you do?

I’ve found my best weapon to be prayer. That probably sounds trite and a bit over-simplified, but it’s true. It’s not that prayer changes the circumstances immediately (although sometimes it can – God’s cool like that), but prayer is my connection to God and He speaks to my soul as I speak with Him. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is, when in the times of despair, He’s met me exactly where I need Him to. The daily devotions that seem to be written only to me (but are published internationally), the words in a Psalm or other passage of Scripture that I will swear I’ve never read before – despite having read them countless times.

It’s in those times that the reality of prayer and the starkness of the situation contrast – and yet, God still has it in control. He’s still on the throne, and He still wants healing for my husband more than I want healing for my husband – and possibly, even more than my husband wants healing for himself.

But one of the most important things about talking to Him during times when I feel like I want healing more than my husband does is that He increases my love for my husband. In the midst of frustration, He pours His amazing love in to my heart to the point of overflow – and the overflow ends up spilling over in to how I talk to and relate to my soulmate. It’s a beautiful and mysterious thing – because it washes away my resentment, my frustration, and my longing to be in a relationship untarnished by sexual brokenness. That last part will never be my reality – but I know someday, this will be a testimony of God’s handiwork and His touch, and it won’t be our daily story.

If you’re in a place of wanting healing and restoration more than your broken spouse does, take it to God in prayer.  Jesus died for our struggles and to forgive our shortcomings.  He rose again, victorious, to set us free and He really does (honest and truly!) have a good plan for your life, even if you can’t see it, sense it, or feel it right now.

Cling to that truth and talk to Him.  Ask Him to work His plan in the heart of your spouse and then ask Him to work His good plan in you.  One day, our struggle-stories will be overcomer-stories, and it’s moments like these that become turning points and white-hot spots of God’s love and grace that move things along.

Much like the flower to the right looks, I feel.  Like I need a long, cool drink of water in order to perk back up.

So why am I tired?  Where God is working, the Enemy is opposing.  It’s as simple as that.

God is bringing us new couples to talk to, to pray for, and to walk with on this journey – at least 4 in the last 4 months.  Their journeys are precious and I’m so grateful to be able to share the walk with them and to help them feel less alone.  I so remember those days – how heart-and-gut-wrenching it was, how isolating, how scary, and how I just couldn’t seem to dry my tears for days on end.  If someone else’s walk down the path of sexual brokenness can be made slightly easier from sharing with me for a bit, then I will gladly walk with them, pray with them, talk to them, and simply listen.  Gladly.  God never promised me it would be easy, but He also promised never to waste a hurt or miss a tear that falls from my eye.

And so walk, talk, pray, and listen I we have.  We’re bringing a mentor couple with us to the CPM conference, three couples who are in the midst (in varying stages) of walking this journey out, and ourselves.

I’m reminded, as my fingers skim the keys looking for the next word to type, that John & Stasi Eldredge said in Love and War, “You have an enemy.  Your spouse is not it.”  It’s an apt reminder for those of us dealing with sexual brokenness, because our spouses can start to feel like the enemy as they grapple with addiction, compulsive behaviours, and general weaknesses.  But to be angry and treat our spouses like the enemy?  That’s just misplaced anger – or “sideways anger,” as we call it here.  The anger needs to be at the Accuser, the one who tempts, who has had such a real role in creating the wounds that manifest as sexual brokenness.

The Accuser is active and trying to meddle in our lives.  Is it a coincidence that right before a life-changing weekend away, I’m struggling with it all?  That my husband is struggling again with his brokenness and compulsive behaviours?  Is it coincidence that as I struggle with this seemingly never-ending journey and feelings of betrayal that the Spirit reminds me it’s the very *day* we remember Jesus’ betrayal at the hands of a friend?

I don’t think so.

After talking to many of my sisters on this path, I’m seeing a pattern – the Wily One, the “father of lies” is trying to steal from us, preemptively.  If he can get our eyes off of Jesus (the Author and Perfecter of our faith), make us angry, tired, and frustrated with our spouses, we might not get as much as the Father has for us at the conference.  We might be so distracted that we miss the gift of unconditional love, acceptance, and healing words as a balm for our souls.  I don’t want to miss any of that.

So I’m trying to soak in Jesus more.  I’m trying to absorb more from my daily readings, listen more in the conversation in my head and heart with Him, and to live more in Him than in myself.  I am weary – but I’m reminded that He said, “Come to me, all who are weary and heavily-burdened, and I will give you rest.”

I’m waiting for that rest.  I suspect I’ll find that long, cool drink in the middle of the desert, and that it will be served to me by those who are being the hands and feet of Jesus.  Is that ironic?

No, I think it’s just God.

My husband and I have found tremendous amounts of hope, help, and healing on these weekends – this year will be our third consecutive trip. We’re still figuring out all of the details on this end, but our tickets are purchased and our registration is complete.

The link for the conference information is here.  This is an investment in you, your marriage, and your future – I cannot recommend it highly enough for couples who have been impacted by homosexuality.

More to come in upcoming weeks… as C.S. Lewis liked to say, “Aslan is on the move!”  We’re experiencing that “movement” here and right now, my days are busy and my heart is full.  I’ll be back to writing soon.

I went to NARTH’s annual conference – or rather, a one-day track for the public who aren’t members of NARTH.  The National Association for the Research & Therapy of Homosexuality is having its annual convention right now, and for the first time ever, opened up a day for the public.  I went to learn more about the current modalities and methodologies in therapy for homosexuality, as this is my intended focus within my next degree, but also to represent a ministry we’re involved in to other members of the public.

It was a fabulous day of knowledge-gathering for me – my notebook is crammed, my brain even more-so.  I met amazing people, listened to learned researchers, and heard from hurting families looking for hope.  I drove through a pack of protestors outside the hotel and avoided open confrontation with them inside the hotel, and generally had an extremely tiring but incredibly fulfilling day.  After driving through the protestors and reading a sign that said, “What Would Jesus Do?” I thought, “Jesus would smile, wave, and love you.”  So that’s exactly what I did:  I smiled, waved, and loved them.

The topic of therapy for gays is definitely a hot issue in our society today, but one thing that was made crystal clear is this:  no one is advocating therapy for someone who doesn’t want it.  No one is forcing “change” on anyone who is content in his/her lifestyle and doesn’t want to change their orientation.  Likewise, no one should force someone who WANTS to change to stay the way they are.  I think if we change the topic from sexual orientation to something of a less-hot-topic nature, the issue becomes less clouded.

Imagine, if you will, a group of 100 people, all of whom are at an “overweight” status (based on national benchmarks).  Of that 100 people, 70 of them are either content with their body shape/size/image or don’t care, and are by default, okay with how they look.  30 people, however, are not okay with their body shape/size/image and desire to lose weight.  Without looking at modality of weight loss and whether or not it’s effective long-term in changing behaviour patterns, lifestyles, or anything else, will the 70 who are content FORCE the 30 who are discontent and want to change their lifestyle to continue to be overweight?  How does that bode for self-care, longterm mental health, etc., of those who want to change?   Would protestors block efforts for those who want to be on a weight-reduction program?  Would they picket every Weight Watchers meeting, or post hate-messages on boards with access to Atkins programs?

Obviously, I don’t want to strip the seriousness out of the discussion by taking my metaphor too far.  But you see how, once we remove the emotionality that surrounds the politics of sex, how much more absurd the ‘debate’ seems?  No one is advocating kidnapping members of the LGBT community and forcing them in to therapy against their will.  If you are LGBTQ and have no desire to change and are content in your lifestyle, more power to you!  But for those with an unwanted SSA, the idea that change is possible is one filled with hope.  Much like the 30 people in my metaphor, they want to change.  To tell them that change is impossible, immoral, or wrong absolutely strips them of all hope.

But just because change is possible doesn’t mean it looks the same for everyone.  One of the things that I found encouraging was a therapist-friend’s testimony of change yesterday.  He asserts that his orientation has changed (just like my husband professes), but that his change in orientation also possesses some challenges.  His legitimate needs for non-sexual male-bonding and affirmation are still there – and he said that if doesn’t meet those needs, he feels as though his symptoms of SSA could re-emerge.  This doesn’t mean he’s repressed, as critics will argue, but it means that his legitimate emotional needs are linked to his unwanted SSA.

Some people don’t find a reduction of SSA desires in therapy, but find a much better, healthier understanding of themselves, a sense of boundaries, and are better people overall because of the therapy.  Does that mean that the therapy failed?  No – because no psychological treatment modality of any kind can profess a 100% success rate – ever. I really do believe that change is possible for all motivated individuals, but what that final outcome looks like is different for everyone.  But research has shown that no harm comes to those who seek therapy for sexual orientation – in fact, their overall rates of suicide and depression are less than what they are before and even during treatment.

Back to my point about stripping hope from strugglers – to me, this is one of the cruelest things we could do to each other as people.  People grow, change, and find all sorts of ways to achieve Maslow’s apex of self-actualization.  To tell someone who has an unwanted trait that it’s pointless to try to change and that changing that trait might actually harm them is beyond the pale.  If we say that we love each other and want to support each other, that also means supporting each other as we grow and change – even if the change is something that I personally don’t want.  What kind of a wife would I be if I didn’t support my husband through this and instead allowed my mis-perceptions and prejudices to say, “No, I will not support you while you attempt to change.  You cannot change, you will not change, and I don’t love you enough to stand by while you attempt this”?  I wouldn’t be a wife – I’d be an ex-wife.

The pain is great for strugglers and the spouses who love them – no question.  Our sexual identity is a core-issue and helps to define so much in our personal worldview.  One of the things I gleaned from during yesterday’s presentations, however, is that change is possible, and resources are out there for those who want to change.  My links in the sidebar will reflect new groups who help to facilitate change.

You can read the whole interview here.

But here’s where it is about me:  when fear lives inside my head.

I normally don’t cotton to fear – I acknowledge it and send it packing, inviting the Holy Spirit in to banish it forever, instead.  I’m also not living in fear now – but I will admit that it’s been a little harder this go-around than in the past.

I woke up this morning from a dream that we were moving (we are) and I was packing (I am).  Here’s where it gets weird and uncomfortable for me:  in the dream, I pulled out some large device (an oven or washing machine, maybe?) and hidden behind the appliance was evidence of my husband self-medicating again.  I woke up and drifted back to sleep quickly.

I mentioned the dream to my beloved this morning, sort of as a “hey, I had this dream….” conversation and told him how disturbed I was by the dream, but I didn’t know where it all came from.  I haven’t consciously been concerned about him self-medicating for many months now – maybe even 6 months.  I haven’t even given a passing thought to the idea that his SGA is returning or that he’s actively pursuing it.  We live in a transparent marriage and we’re both honest and open with each other as part of our intimacy.  So where did this come from and why am I writing about it?

I honestly believe that dreams are an avenue for spiritual attack.  I’m highly intuitive and live “inside of myself” most of the time.  Because my intuition is a road that the Holy Spirit uses in my life to communicate with me and dreams are often a part of that communication, I believe the enemy also invades that “open road” when he can.  So at its core, this dream is spiritual and an active attack against me; an attack that is designed to put fear in me and get my eyes off of Jesus.

Part of where This is About Me (meaning, the SGA journey) is this:  my husband can do all good things and be above reproach, allowing God to continue to heal him, but if I live in fear, his struggle is reduced to me.  I’ve essentially moved him off of whatever God is doing (and focusing on that) to focusing on me, my fear, my worry, and proving himself to me.  Now, were all of those things necessary at some point?  Yes – because trust was broken and addressing worry, fear, and proving oneself is all part of restoring and rebuilding trust.  But it is a finite aspect of our relationship and I’ve far moved past it.

Where it becomes destructive is if I can’t leave that place of fear and distrust. If I cannot give my concerns and worries to God and let Him do His work in me while He’s also working in my husband, then I’m being counter-productive and damaging our relationship.  And if I’m honest, I’m also dooming our marriage, because a successful marriage needs two individuals who love and trust each other.  If I’m not willing to trust my husband, then for all practical purposes, I’m dooming our relationship.

Bringing this full-circle, I’ve banished my fears from the dream and moved on.  The enemy would like nothing more than to have me dwell on the “what ifs” instead of what God is actually doing.  Just as my husband’s journey is a refining fire for him, God is using his journey to refine ME as well.  I can squelch His work in my life by choosing to live in fear, or I can choose to cooperate and be part of The Bigger Picture and give my fear to Him.

I’m choosing to be an active participant and allow God to make this journey about Him, not about me.

God hasn’t given me a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Whether or not you have recognized your brokenness or you’re still discovering ways in which you are broken, please know that all of the pieces of you are loved by God, cherished by Him, and that He wants to make you whole. Sexual brokenness, emotional brokenness, spiritual brokenness…. it’s all the same and it’s all covered under the blood of Jesus. He died to make us whole and to turn awful, broken messes in to beautiful things.

On this day which we remember His sacrifice for us, may it speak to you, wherever your broken parts are.

His and his,
~Cori

photo © 2007 Myrrien | more info (via: Wylio)married to strugglers, my friend has noticed how callous society is towards those who have an unwanted sexual brokenness.  It’s not that any of us strive for or desire to be broken sexually, but some embrace it.  And the world understands that – it’s the fighting against the brokenness that they don’t understand.  And they reject it, often making fun of it and of those who struggle.

It’s painful to be in a place where you watch the one you love fight and swim upstream, only to be mocked and ridiculed by voices that are loud and uncomprehending.  My friend did what any tender-hearted person would do; she removed the source of the ridicule (the world calls it “a joke,” but believe me – it’s not funny).

As spouses, we are often thrust in to situations where we must defend and protect our spouses. Sometimes it’s against family members who simply don’t understand or have bias/hatred in their hearts.  Sometimes it’s against friends who cannot accept clearly defined boundary lines or revelatory explanations.  And sometimes it’s against our rapidly-declining culture.  In the case of the latter, it often feels pervasive.  We might see or hear something in the media that mocks our journey and struggle.  We might hear someone at church or work say something like, “Oh, that’s gay!” when they really mean, “Lame!”  The words and attitudes are everywhere and even when they’re expressed in jest, they can hurt.

I wrote a while back about being my husband’s “Eowyn.”  I think all spouses, whether or not we realize it or are ready to accept it, are armour-bearers to our strugglers.  Whether they struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction or some other form of sexual brokenness, we are called to walk this out with them, courtesy of our wedding vows. This is definitely part of the “for worse” section of “for better or for worse” in our vows, and I believe God honours our commitment to our spouses.

But what does it mean to be an armour-bearer?  To me, it means that I help carry my husband’s armour when he goes in to battle with the Enemy, but I also hold up the shield and provide him a place to rest and recuperate when the battle goes long and he is wounded or not strong enough to hold up the shield on his own.  It means that I have to be prayed-up, armoured-up, and strong – because there are no time-outs in spiritual warfare.  There’s no “second string” waiting in the wings to relieve us.  It’s me (or it’s you), relying on the Lord for strength, courage, and wisdom to know how to help our spouse fight this battle.

The pressure is great and the battles are real.  Our enemy is always roaming, seeking whom he may devour, and if your spouse is struggling against sexual brokenness, the enemy’s gunning for you, because a tale of healing and God’s victory in this is a death knell to him.  If God wins in this struggle, others will break free as well – so he’s fighting us, tooth & nail.  This isn’t meant to discourage you, but rather to encourage you, because The Father has given us an unending armoury, full of weapons for this sort of warfare. But we have to be strong and willing to wield the tools He gives us, as well.  So strengthen yourself through prayer and spending time in the Word, and pick up your shields and weapons and join me. Because I’m in this battle as much as you are – and the lives of our families depend on it.

I’m including this clip from “The Return of the King” – one of the best parts of this clip is the absolute terror in eyes of the enemy troops when Theoden’s army continues on in the face of opposition.  The Enemy will come against you, but be determined and plow forward – the Enemy will cower in terror because you are accompanied by the power of God.

Go forth and fear no darkness – our God is with us!

His and his,

~Cori

photo © 2008 Mike Melrose | more info (via: Wylio)

I commented that once my husband started to leave his passivity behind him, I was able to take off my pants and get my leg out of his, as well.  I think it was Desmond Tutu who said that nature abhors a vacuum – and in our lives, that meant that I got to step up and take on some masculine responsibilities because my husband wasn’t able/willing to do it.

I recognized a long time ago how much I hated this – I hated being the pursuer in our sex life (although at that point, it was barely passable as a sex-life).  I hated making all the decisions about life, budget, family, housing, bills, etc.  I was tired and more than ready for my husband to step up to the plate and relieve me.  Not that he had to then make ALL of the decisions, but that if he shouldered his responsibility’s worth, I would have some breathing room.  He wasn’t able to do this for the longest time.

Even after reading Captivating by Stasi & John Eldredge and communicating my need for a break to my husband, he was unable to do it for me.  My feminine heart was aching from doing things for both of us and bearing all the pressure.  In all fairness, my husband’s masculine heart was hurting, too – but not from carrying the weight of our lives; from carrying the weight of his struggle and the abuse perpetrated on him as a child.  He wasn’t cognizant of the abuse at that point, but it was there, weighing him down with invisible chains.

Once the bondage was broken, I began to see a new man.  A man who was able (and willing!) to take the reigns and engage me as we talked about family plans, about child-rearing strategies, about budgetary concerns.  He even began to be more of a pursuer in our intimate life, rather than letting me pursue him!

Somewhere in his growth came my freedom.  My freedom to be uniquely feminine.  Not because I had to, not because a church told me to.  But because I wanted to.  It’s as though all the shackles fell off of me at the same time my pants did.  I didn’t walk around naked, but put on my prettiest skirt one morning just because I could.  I flounced down the stairs and felt so amazingly … free.  It was a warm spring day in my former location and the windows were open.  Because of my newfound sense of freedom, it was a memorable day for me, but there were many more like it to follow.

The next time I went to the store, there was a darling skirt on the clearance rack – one that went home with me.  After that, I wasn’t to be seen in pants until winter, when it was just too cold to wear skirts that were cute and not frumpy.  Despite my newfound freedom, it came with the inner responsibility to avoid frumpiness.  I already homeschooled; the last thing I needed was to add denim skirts and Keds to my wardrobe so I would fit in with the independent fundamentalist church in town.  So longjohns and Citiknits pants came out in the winter, and skirts showed up as soon as it was 55F and above.

Since that day, I’ve come to revel in my long hair, make-up, and skirts.  My shoes are still comfortable (Birkenstocks), but come in a variety of colours to coordinate.  Naturally. <grin>

I honestly don’t think this transformation to my inner girly-girl would have been possible without my husband being able to step-up to fully-embracing his masculine-self.  As he began to step out of his porn addiction and let God do an amazing work in his heart, he ended up freeing me to be… well, me.

I’m so very grateful.

His and his,
~Cori

photo © 2006 David Goehring | more info (via: Wylio)

Why the change?

I think “sexual brokenness” more aptly describes our journey – while he is still a sexual addict, as we talk and process, we realize that the addiction stems from a deeper brokenness.  He doesn’t have many presenting problems like an addict does at this point, but like the alcoholic who knows that he is just one bottle of Jägermeister away from another bender, he stays on guard at all times.  God has been incredibly faithful in that the closer my husband moves to Him, the less he feels the slavish pull of the pornography, of the inappropriate emails or chats, and of looking at images that are designed to tempt and elicit excitement.  My intuition flashes at times, but less than before.

The sexual brokenness is the root of all of his issues – the acting out, the communication issues, the fear and trepidation that comes from wondering if he’ll be rejected by someone who doesn’t understand the differences between temptation and following through on temptation….  It’s appealing at times to want to justify it all with the CSA he was subjected to as a young child.  And while that abuse is the source of his sexual brokenness, he recognizes his own responsibility in his journey as well.

And so I’ve changed the tagline – I am married to a sexually broken man. One whom Jesus is putting back together, one piece at a time, and one who loves me as much as any broken human can, because we are all broken in some way.  My journey to is to continue alongside him, allowing Jesus to heal my brokenness in the process.

His and his,
~Cori