Ungratefulness.

Such a funny one, because, on the one hand, I want to say, ‘well, you should do nice things because you want to! Not because you’re expecting anything in return’.

But on the other hand, a thank you? It costs nothing. I really dislike bad manners. And it sucks to always put yourself out for someone else, and then to never have them offer to lend a hand when you could really use it.

I’m not a fan of forcing a thank you out of someone (though I’d hope I’m always ready to offer one when I’ve been helped).

So, two options, I guess. Adjust your expectations, and do the work knowing that you will not get so much as a ‘thank you’. Or, adjust your willingness to help next time.

Gratitude in the Workplace

One thing to note: since this is a work situation, a bit of self-awareness will take you far. Are you sure you are helping her out, rather than simply doing your job? Especially if there is some part of your job you dislike, it is easy to feel like every time you are doing it, you are doing a favour for someone.

Even though it feels like that, it’s your entitlement meter playing trick on you. You’re not helping out, you’re working, and you don’t need a thank you, you get paid.

Also, whilst I would advise people in social situations to stop helping ungrateful people, at work, you might be better to carry on helping for two reasons:

1. Being seen as helpful is rarely punished at work. Helping other people out is a great characterstic. 
2. Helping people out even when they are ungrateful is the holy grail of helpfulness. Especially if this person is a whinger, or generally difficult, you will likely score extra points for helping out here.

So if it’s relatively easy for you to do so, keep helping out. But if it is to the detriment of your own work, or personal time, and you don’t even get a thank you? Well, er, no thank YOU, whiny co-worker.

photo credit: mark sebastian via photopin cc

And a quick note from me: As I was writing this answer, I looked up other Q & A I’ve done to link to. I came across an answer from about two years ago, titled, Ungrateful, inconsiderate AND stupid. Why are you friends again? and wow… I was mean! I’d love to hear what you think about my ‘toning it down’. 

Instead, links to two things I read this week, which I know some of you really need to hear:

The Bloggess

I can – without doubt- tell them that depression is lying to them and that things will get better.  And then I have to admit that the same thing applies to me…even though at the time I’m fairly sure my emotions are dead forever

Yesterday I started feeling life again, and it felt wonderful.  And I’m writing this to remind myself that it doespass, and that the miasma surrounding you now won’t always cling to you.  It will pass for me and it will pass for you.

Keep breathing.  Keep living.  You are worth it.

Boggle The Owl (not as cheesy as it sounds, promise)

I don’t like the phrase “a cry for help”. I just don’t like how it sounds. When somebody says to me, “I’m thinking about suicide, I have a plan, I just need a reason not to do it,” the last thing I see is helplessness.

You’ve come over to me, banged on my door, and said, “Hey! Staying alive is really hard right now! Just give me something to fight with! I don’t care if it’s a stick! Give me a stick and I can stay alive!”

How is that helpless? I think it’s incredible. You’re like a marine: trapped for years behind enemy lines, your gun has been taken away, you’re out of ammo… and you’re still just going , “Give me a stick! I’m not dying out here!”

Please go and read the full articles. These snippets do not do them justice.

And also know: If I had a stick, I’d give it to you without hesitation.

If anyone has any other links to share, or, in fact, anything they’d like to share, the comments are open below (just ignore all of the other boxes if you’d like to comment anonymously).

I have skipped a grade, and am currently taking some college courses alongside my highschool ones. I’ve never gotten detention, or even a trip to the principal’s office. Long story short, I’m your stereotypical goody two shoes kid.

Thing is, I also want to try and have fun and enjoy my teenage years. No, I don’t mean drinking, sex, drugs, all that other stuff that I find kind of horrifying. What I want is simply to get that fun half-shaved hairstyle.

Two problems, though: One, my parents are very traditional. I think my father especially would have an aneurysm. Secondly, I’m worried about how that could affect my life for the time that my hair was still short. I live in a very traditional state (Texas), and I’m out in the country, where it’s all traditional people.

At my age, I should be getting a job, but I feel as if my chances of doing that would be severely lowered if I did get this hairstyle. Another thing is, I both want to wait the year until I go to college, and yet I don’t. I would want to wait so that one, I’d be in a city where that’s more acceptable, and two, I wouldn’t be around my family!

But I also want it done now, in case the hairstyle loses its attraction in the future. I want to be able to try and enjoy this age, when we’re supposed to have phases. And seeing as this will be the “worst” thing I’ve ever done, I sort of have this terrible sense of entitlement towards doing this.

Also, please, please, please consider this question low priority. There are many other people who have actual problems, and I would much rather they receive their answer before me.

Oh, and I just can’t hold it in any longer: Your blog is awesome, you seem like such a wonderfully intelligent person, and I really hope you keep this up for a while. Some of your answers have really helped to keep me going through the darker times in my life, and if you helped me, Lord knows how many other people you’ve helped. Keep going, girl, because you’re awesome.

You sound like a great student. You also have a lovely attitude. These things will serve you well in life.

You’re question may be a little more on the frivolous side that those we’ve had of late, but wow, I had to give this some serious thought! Because:

1. It’s a hair cut. It’s not heroin. You should be able to be true to yourself, and express yourself however you want.
2. Haircuts are more than just haircuts, and I think you know that. They are social identifiers. We use them (rightly or wrongly) to assess people, to sum them up and put them in neat little boxes. This is fact, whether we like it or not. And, if you’re trying to get a job you don’t want to be put in someone’s ‘wrong’ box.

And also because:

1. It’s only year until college! If you just wait until then, it will be easier on you.
2. But a year is such a long time! Especially at your age. So much can change. So much can happen.

One thing I would say is don’t worry about the style going out of fashion. Not because it won’t; it will. But because there will always be something new to try. A ‘Rachel’ do, and hair mascara, anyone? Ah, the nineties.

I’m torn. So I looked for a compromise.

What about an ‘undercut’ style, so that if you wear your hair down (say for a job interview) it looks ‘normal’ (horrible word), but if you put it up, the shaved part is clear to see?

Maybe this isn’t the style you had in mind, I just thought it was worth a shot.

If you do decide you want to go ahead, talk to your parents before you do it. If you want them to go easy on you, it’s best just to be upfront:

‘Mom, Dad, my grades have been good. You know that I’m not into alcohol, or drugs . I would like one small act of teenage rebellion which will not be permanent – I’d like this hairstyle [show photo. It's hard to describe and if you use the word 'shaved' they will likely think it's more shocking than it is]. I’ve thought about how it might affect job applications / college interviews, but I’m confident that my grades and attitude speak for themselves.’

By telling them that you have considered these things you will show your maturity. You are not naive about it, you need to tell them that.

I also think it’s fine to ask for allowances: I work hard at my studies, I’d like this freedom in return.

But, the thing with making bargains: You have to keep your end up. Your word is only as good as the last time you did. (But the bonus of keeping your word repeatedly? Your word becomes worth so much more).

Let’s Define Being ‘Entitled’

Also, it’s not entitled to think that because you’ve done one thing, you deserve another. Entitlement is when you have done nothing to earn something, and yet you expect it anyway.

You’ve put in the hard work. You’ve earned your parent’s respect. Now you are asking them to respect a decision that you have put thought into. That’s not entitlement, that’s learning to be a grown up.

And I think you are doing a stellar job.

But the main advice I want to give you isn’t about hair. You didn’t ask for this, but I have to tell you anyway, because you remind me of another little over-achiever I once knew:

Go easy on yourself. Your worth doesn’t lie in your grades, or your behavioural record at school. It’s great that you have those things going for you.

But they are not what makes you great. YOU are what makes you perfect, and I want you to know, to understand, that you are already, aside from those things.

I really wish I had known that when I was younger. Please take it from me now as the TRUTH. I really mean it.

PS. Your final paragraph made me tear up. If I helped you for one nano-second through a difficult time, all my work here has been worth it. Thank you for letting me know.

Well, that all got a bit emotional. PLEASE can someone now send a self-involved rant about how their aunt-in-law’s sister didn’t like their wedding colours and they are never speaking to them again? I’d hate for you all to think I’ve lost my edge. 

photo credit: teachernz via photopin cc

Don’t worry, almost every bride I’ve ever known has done this (myself included).

The wedding media puts a huge pressure on woman to find The Dress.

For starters, they call it The Dress.

They talk about how ‘you’ll just know!’, and about the tears in the corners of your mom’s eye, and how magical and transformative it will be when you -finally (because obviously it has to involve a LOT of shopping)- find THE DRESS.

So, if you don’t get that feeling, even though you really like your dress, you’re already pre-programmed to doubt yourself.

Also, even if you do have that feeling, oftentimes a dress is ordered a long time in advance of the nuptials, which leads a lot of time for doubt to creep in.

The thing is, I’m guessing you tried on a few dresses. And this is the one you chose. That’s what you have to concentrate on. At the time, you decided this was the right one for you. Trust your former self.

Also, for what it’s worth, before the wedding’s here, you will probably second guess the flowers, the venue, the other venue, the tablecloths, and every other decision you’ve made. Three things about this:

1. Most of it really does not matter. Seriously. Tablecloths? IT DOES NOT MATTER.
2. It’s just nerves. You’re making a big commitment. It’s a huge change – a true rite of passage. The nerves will work their way out somehow. Be pleased you’re just crying over centre-pieces.
3. BUT,these kind of harmless nerves do not manifest themselves in serious doubts about your chosen partner in marriage. If you’re second guessing your choice of bride or groom, listen to those doubts.

And finally, I bet your dress is great. Have a wonderful wedding day!

photo credit: gadl via photopin cc

US: 1 800 273 TALK [8255] Lifeline

UK: 08457 90 90 90  The Samaritans

Canada: Suicide Prevention (I cannot find a national phone no. Please comment if you can)

Australia: 13 11 44 Lifeline 

Why Shouldn’t I kill myself? I’m 15 and I tried to commit suicide last year. My mother isn’t happy with me, and my brothers don’t want me around. I cut my wrists. Trying to bleed out. Last year my mother an I fought 24/7 and I had had enough. So I swallowed 14 depression pills. She took me to the hospital and they pumped my stomach. I moved to my dads after that and it wasn’t any better down there so I recently moved back. That’s when I started cutting and trying to commit suicide. I want to move back to my dads but then again I don’t….

I am so sorry you feel this way.

I wasn’t sure whether to publish this question. You’re young. You have a right to privacy. But I have no other way of reaching out to you, and I want you to know that I care.

I am not going to list the reasons why you shouldn’t kill yourself. I’ve discussed this at length (along with my reasoning behind publishing suicide questions), but during a suicidal crisis, arguing with someone as to why they shouldn’t do it, doesn’t help.

Talking about it does help. And plenty of other things do help, and are available, if only you can find it within you to reach out and ask for help. I know that seems impossibly hard. You’ve done it once, to me, you can do it again.

Please go to an adult that you trust and tell them how you feel. Don’t sugar-coat it, don’t pretend you feel better than you do. Go to them and tell them that you are feeling as though you want to kill yourself. Please do it straight away.

That person sounds like it might not be your parents. Do you have an aunt or uncle, an older cousin, an older sibling, a teacher, a youth group leader, anyone who you trust? That is the person to go to. Can you get to a doctor, or an emergency room?

There is also help you can access from wherever you are, right now. Here is a list of crisis resources. I do not know which country you are in. If you give me any more details in the comments I will look up specific resources for you. If anyone has any more resources to add, please do so in the comments.

US: 1 800 273 TALK [8255] Lifeline

UK: 08457 90 90 90  The Samaritans

Canada: Suicide Prevention (I cannot find a national phone no. Please comment if you can)

Australia: 13 11 44 Lifeline

And for anyone worried about a friend:

Helping a suicidal person

Choose Life – Worried about someone?

I’m sorry we keep having these conversations. I know most people come here for some light entertainment. But I WILL KEEP HAVING THESE CONVERSATIONS, because talking about this is the only thing that’s going to help.

Finally, Stephen Fry, National Treasure and talented broadcaster, writer and many things besides, has recently discussed his own suicide attempt. He is my hero for that. His strength encouraged me to publish this, even though I was reluctant to do so, and left it longer than I should have. I am sorry for my silence. I have had stern words with myself about it today, especially in light of news stories about Paris Jackson. Silence is the last thing we need.

As always, I’m sending much love to anyone feeling desperate right now. Please reach out using the resources above. There is help out there for you. 

I, for one, desperately want you to find it.

My husband and I recently had our wedding celebration (we got married and had the wedding a year later) that we had to postpone three times because of his duty in the military.

My sister in law, (married to my husband’s older brother), was part of my wedding party. She never took the time to answer to any of my group messages and I had to call to confirm that she was part of the wedding 3 months before the wedding.

A month later I heard from the grape vine that she had gotten pregnant and was not going to be a bridesmaid. Again I had to call so she could tell me she was stepping down.

Her husband was not going to be able to attend the wedding. She RSVP’d for one. The wedding comes and she just doesn’t show up. She had mentioned to family that she would probably not make it but nothing to my husband and I.

She then doesn’t even call to explain herself until I notice that 4 days after the wedding she has removed me from Facebook. I do not mind not being on her Facebook but I do not understand how she is the one who is acting mad when the wedding she missed was mine.

I think I’m just going to ignore her actions and pretend like I didn’t notice especially because we live far apart from everyone but I’m purturbed.

Why would someone behave this way?

Yes, I drew this. No, I don’t see a future for me as a cartoonist, either.

Firstly, congratulations to you and your husband. Sorry that you had to delay so many times because of his service.

So, your sister-in-law.

What Happened, When

Let me get the timeline straight.

Say the wedding (W) was month 0. You had to confirm she was in the wedding at W-3 months. At W-2 months you heard that she was pregnant, and not going to be your bridesmaid.

If she was ready to share the happy news at W-2 months, we can assume (this is an assumption, I may be wrong, but hear me out) that she was then 3 months along. So she had been pregnant since W-5 months (or, to put it the other way around, she would have been around 5 months pregnant at the time of your wedding).

So, these messages you talk of were flying round before the W-3 months mark. At which point she was pregnant, but she wasn’t at the stage of telling people.

Have you considered that she may have had a difficult pregnancy? I know plenty of people, who, in the first trimester, were lucky to make it to work and back each day. They certainly didn’t have the time, the energy, or, in many cases, the stomach, to get mightily involved in planning other people’s weddings.

Now, I know you could argue, ‘She could have replied to one message!’. And she probably could have. But were you bombarding her? Why were there so many group messages? I had a relatively large wedding, I don’t think I ever sent even the wedding party a mass e-mail at all.

Also, you have to view this against the backdrop of the wedding being postponed three times. That was entirely NOT YOUR FAULT. Your husband was serving his country, and good on him.

But, if she was struggling through early pregnancy, and being sent group messages (not even individual ones, where the imperative to respond is much increased), about a wedding that has been postponed three times already… Can you see why she might be a bit lackadaisical about replying in a timely manner?

I’m not trying to put the blame on you. I’m saying look at this from her perspective. And try to assume the best.

I Heard It On The Grapevine

Hearing on the ‘grape vine’ about her pregnancy, when she was close enough to you to be in your bridal party, does sound a little unusual. I guess it depends on the grapevine though. If your brother-in-law called his brother to share the happy news, and your husband told you, that doesn’t count as the grapevine to me. That is the two of them, sharing the news with the two of you.

Hearing it at the grocery store from a family friend? That’s the grapevine. It’s hard for me to measure how much of a snub this was, and if it was a snub at all, without these details.

The right thing for her to do would have been to call you herself to excuse herself from your bridal party. For sure.

But looking at it from the other side, did you ever call to congratulate her on her pregnancy?

On Her Not Showing Up

It is INEXCUSABLE to RSVP yes to something, and then not turn up (barring a genuine emergency). The fact that she knew in advance that she might be unable to attend, and didn’t let you know, makes this even worse.

However, that being said, I can maybe understand why she didn’t call to ‘explain herself’. You sound mad. And let’s be honest. Your not her boss. Yes, she didn’t show up to your wedding. Yes, it was rude. The polite thing to do would be to send a lovely card apologising for her absence. But I’m not sure she needs to ‘explain herself’.

Oh, The Facebook. Make It Stop.

You know how I feel about Facebook drama. I DO NOT CARE WHO DELETED WHOM. I really think the world would be a better place if people stopped analysing every Like and non-Like on Facebook. I’ve never yet received a question that involved Facebook that revealed its users’ behaviour in anything other than a bad light.

The Long and Short of It

Your question seems to boil down to ‘Why is she acting mad? It was MY wedding she missed’.

I honestly don’t know. Maybe she is just rude. She thought it was no big deal to drop out, she RSVP’d because she thought she could make it, whatever.

Or maybe you have done something to genuinely upset her. Have you considered that?

For example, when you heard of her pregnancy, did you call to congratulate her? Did you make a fuss of her? You were so worried about the effect of the pregnancy on your wedding, did you ever stop to consider the baby that was coming?

It’s just I can well imagine her letter to me.

‘I was supposed to be in my sister-in-law’s wedding. I got pregnant, and we were so excited, but I was exhausted. I decided the best thing to do was to stand down. My sister-in-law didn’t even say congratulations! Even when she did call, it was only to force me to say that I couldn’t be in her wedding. I thought we were really close, but she didn’t show any interest in her future niece and nephew, she was only concerned with whether I could still go to her wedding! In the end I couldn’t go because I was feeling so unwell, but I was too scared to tell her.’

I may be completely wrong. But before you go shouting about how out of line she has been, take a quick look at your actions, and assure me that you have been nothing other than supportive of this woman.

One life event does not trump another. She didn’t get pregnant to piss you off; people of child-bearing age get pregnant all the time. The timing had NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR WEDDING. Seriously. No-one is out there thinking, how can I really ruin my sister-in-laws wedding? I know! I’ll create human life, put myself through pregnancy, delivery and 18 years+ of child-rearing, just to get one over on her!

I think if you’re ever going to move on, you need to graciously accept that you got married (yay!), she got pregnant (yay!), and you can still both be very happy for one another whilst realising that the timing meant that she couldn’t be as involved in your wedding as you both might have liked. The end.

Oh and you guys? It turns out on Monday I was kind of a jerk to our questioner. Sorry Kat. You can read my proper apology here. 

If positive: I’d rather be complimented on my work than my appearance.

If negative: Seeing I didn’t actually ask your opinion on my appearance (certainly not fishing for compliments), I don’t want to hear what you dislike about it. I don’t dress for male attention, but to suit my mood and myself.

I dress appropriately for an office: skirts no shorter than the knee, no low-cut tops, shoulders always covered. (Come to think of it, that sounds very appropriate for visiting a muslim temple!)

Sometimes I wear jeans and a blouse, sometimes a LBD, sometimes colourful and other times black. But always work-appropriate. (FYI, my boss and the women in my office have no problem with how I dress and, if any opinion is voiced, are generally complimentary. I have no grievance with them.)

I am still continuing to dress how I want, but am having issues with how to respond. A polite, “Thank you for sharing your opinion” unfortunately encourages them; to tell them that their negative opinion is inappropriate/lacks respect/is uncalled for has me deemed a bitch.

I even tried a sign on my desk, courteously stating the above, which I only took out if someone gave their unasked negative opinion. Despite having previously requested that person not to speak about my appearance in such a way, I was accused of being passive-aggressive.

Yesterday two colleagues told me that, upon seeing me, their (probably fictitious) “Best/Worst Dressed” list needed to be updated. I don’t care at what place I come in.

I have to admit to lowering myself to the ‘snappy comeback’ of, “And you with your beer bellies obviously write for Vogue?” I try to be polite but am also firm in voicing my opinions, so the issue at hand is not that I have been too quiet and that these men are unaware of my ire. Indeed, they are choosing to ignore my wishes. Is the only solution to ignore them back?

This is ridiculous! (Not you, them).

I think ‘Thank you for sharing your opinion’, probably didn’t help matters.

One, it implies you want them to share their opinion. Two, it sounds like you’re pissed off already, which, unfortunately will only goad some people more.

Also, the sign on your desk? I get that this was annoying you, but really, stuff like that only makes it worse.

A New Strategy

Here’s what I would do from now on.

If it’s a compliment, a simple, ‘Thanks’, will do.

I know you want to be judged on your work. Believe me, you’re judged on that too. But if people are just being polite (and not leery), there’s no need to put them down. The world can use all the kindness there is.

Beyond the ‘Thanks’, say nothing else. Not even a ‘Oh, I got it on sale!’. This goes for male and female colleagues. Set the standard that you don’t discuss attire. 

Keep It Professional

If people are being negative, I’d stick with a, ‘I’d rather keep it professional’.

Snappy comebacks, whilst tempting, won’t help. These people know they are getting to you, and they enjoy it. The only way is to show no reaction.

If you feel the need to say something a little more cutting, try, ‘Gentlemen, I do not comment on your attire. I’d ask you to extend me the same courtesy’.

Keep repeating the same phrases. They will get the message that  you are not going to rise to it.

And if you stick to the ‘professional’ line, and they have any sense whatsoever they will realise that a trip to HR is your only next step.

Taking It Futher

For that reason, it may be worth noting down who says what, when, along with your response.

It sucks to have to take it to HR. It does make you look like a complainer (even though it shouldn’t, and you are totally justified).

If you can brush it off, that will likely be best for your career (sad, but, in my opinion, true). But if you can’t, you have to take it higher up.

You’ve asked them to stop, they won’t. I don’t know what else you can do, apart from take it to your seniors.

Oh, and as always  where salaries are involved, you would be wise to seek some proper legal advice. 

And sidenote: Muslim Temple? Do you mean mosque? And no, that doesn’t sound appropriate to me, actually. That remark really rubbed me the wrong way. Even it were appropriate, I’m not sure why you seem to think it’s funny, or even why it’s worth commenting on.  Thank you and goodnight.

Anyone else got any suggestions? Or experience with this kind of thing?

photo credit: LizMarie_AK via photopin cc

my honest answer: I guess there are two main reasons:

1. They don’t think the two of you should be married. They think you eloped so that you didn’t have to hear that opinion. They are mad that they didn’t get to share their opinion with you BEFORE you ‘made the biggest mistake of your life’. 
2. It’s basically a bad expression of something good: They are happy you were married, they wanted to be there to share the joy! They are mad that they didn’t get to watch the two of you make a committment to one another, because they are on your team, they are rooting for you and your new marriage (and they love mimosas!).

Either way, it doesn’t really matter. Those that are happy for you will be happy, those that want something to complain about will complain, and then forget about it. They’ll find someone else to be upset by soon enough.

Congratulations on your elopement, by the way!

I think those two scenarios cover most people, but is there anything I’ve missed? If you’ve got a story to tell, I’d love to hear it in the comments.

*****Update: I know you all love an update from a questioner. Remember the lady who was upset over losing a friend? She’s been back in touch about what’s happened since here*****

Firstly, why are you trying to be honest?

If they asked for your honest opinion, you gave it to them, and they attack you for it, that sucks.

That said, it’s just just human nature. We hear bad things, we go on the defensive.

But, sometimes people ‘ask’ for your opinion, but all they’re really interested in is hearing you confirm that they were right.

You have three choices in that situation:

1. Go along with it, tell them what they want to hear, get it over with quickly because you know you’re never going to change their mind.
2. Give them your REAL opinion, since, after all, they asked for it. If it’s not what they want to hear, then too bad. And maybe it’ll stop them bugging you for validation if they know they are not going to get it – they are just going to get the truth.
3. Give them the option of 1) or 2). Say, ‘look Jim, I’m not going to just agree with you here. Given that, would you rather I say nothing, or do you want to hear what I really think?’.

The beauty of 3) is that, if they’re only interested in hearing how right they are, you don’t have to partake. And you’re not going to waste your breath trying to convince them if they don’t want to hear your actual opinion.

Now, all of that was, as I said, assuming that they asked for your opinion.

If you are just telling the ‘the truth’ and they are turning you into the bad guy, that’s a different matter.

For one, your ‘truth’, might not be their ‘truth’. Two people can see exactly the same thing and interpret it in totally different ways. What you perceive to be true is just that – your perception. If they perceive it differently, they are not necessarily wrong.

(Obviously, if they are arguing black is white, they are factually wrong. However, if they are arguing that your mother is annoying, that might well be true for them, but not true for you. One does not preclude the other).

So, if you are giving them your honest opinion, yet they have never asked for it, it might be best just to shut the hell up.

People rarely take well to unsolicited advice. Ask me how I know…

photo credit: BinaryApe via photopin cc

We are quite shy people when it comes to public speaking and had issues with my family at the beginning (nothing major just pressing onto me flower girls and page boys which we did not want).

We wanted to elope in the beginning but then i thought, hell i’ll have my day to dress up.

In the past four months all hell has broke out with his parents and sister (manipulative, everything is about them). My dear future mother-in-law made our engagement party about her and i can just see it happening with the wedding.

Now we want to go ahead with pur original plan of eloping – two of our close friends and my mum and dad.

We have already sent the wedding invitation out though and i am not sure how to go about telling them we are eloping. I want to do it asap as some may organise flights/accommodation etc. Thank you

Ok, a few things.

On Deciding to Elope

That’s great that you’ve both decided what you want for your wedding. Sounds like fun! The main thing is that you are in agreement with each other.

The fact that you wanted this originally, but had your minds changed, makes me think this is a great decision for you.

On Cancelling the Wedding

This is harder. Some people are going to be annoyed; you just have to prepare yourself for that.

Your instinct to get the word out NOW is right – the longer you leave it, the more people are going to book travel and accommodation. You don’t want to cost them money unnecessarily.

Usually, if people have decided to elope, I recommend simply doing it, and sending a wedding announcement out afterwards. 

This is because:

1. That’s how an elopement really works. The whole point is you do it without telling anyone. 
2. If you tell people of your intention they will try to talk you out of it. 

Seriously. They will come up with a myriad of reasons, from, your grandma can’t travel, to, this is my last chance to have all the family together! And so on.

Some people will also try to invite themselves along.

But, none of this really applies to you because

1. You’ve already send the invitations out, so you have a responsibility to let those people know the wedding is not taking place as planned. 
2. You are intending to invite a select few people.

I would therefore suggest an elopement announcement, now.

Something cute along the lines of, ‘We Just Couldn’t Wait! We are getting married in Mexico on 15th July’ or whatever. I would include a simple sentence to say, ‘We are sorry that we have cancelled our plans for September 22nd. We hope we will be able to celebrate with you in person soon!’.

Because you need to make it clear the September wedding is cancelled. If you just send a plain wedding annoucement, some people will think the legal deed has been done, but you are having a party when you get home to celebrate it – and it is that party for which they have received an invitation.

It’s fairly common for people to have a wedding abroad, and a party at home, so if you have sent out an invitation, you must retract that invitation. You can’t expect them to work it out. Be explicit.

On Who To Invite

And just because I can’t help interfering, I think you should be wary of inviting your parents, but not his. Did I read that right? Because if so it is a real kick in the teeth. Yeah, they may be difficult, yeah, they may deserve it. But by inviting your parents to your wedding, and not inviting his, you are making it very clear that you do not like them.

Are you prepared to start your married life on that footing with your in-laws? (Your answer may be yes, and that’s fine, I just don’t want it to come as a surprise to you).

Much simpler would be to invite no parents. I know that’s hard; you want your parents there. They will want to be there with you.

But can you honestly say your fiance won’t feel the same?

Remember your mom wasn’t a peach through the planning process either. If you can find it in your heart to invite both sets of parents, I think it would be a very worthwhile investment.

And with such a small audience, you’d hope the M-I-L would rein it in a bit.

No parents is harsh, but fair. One set of parents sets you up for a lot of criticism (warranted or not), because it is such clear favouritism.

Anything else you want to tell me about why you’re not inviting his parents? Or does anyone else have experience with only inviting one set of parents? I’d love some more input on this subject.