my life as prose.

an open letter to my cervix.

2012-05-23T22:36:00.000-04:00

dear cervix,

how's it going? oh not much going on here, just, you know, wrapping up work and trying to get things together for the baby. pretty tired since i haven't been sleeping well, but i hear that's typical.

listen, i wanted to talk to you about something ... first off, you've really done a terrific job for us. you've been holding in an ever-growing person, and that is really something to be proud of. i know that maybe you've heard of other cervixes being labelled "incompetent," but dude, you've more than proved how competent you are. you're a grade-A cervix. class act. the go-to-guy on the team. cervix of the year.

i say all this to let you know that i've been so thrilled with your work thus far, but that you don't need to continue to perform at the same level you've been performing the past 36 weeks. honestly, if you keep it up, you might kill us both. and while i'm super happy with the job you've done, half of doing a great job is knowing when to finish. you know, when to call it quits. put a bow on it and send it on its way. maybe you've just been working so hard for so long that you can't imagine your life any differently. i get it. change is hard ... especially when you get a great opportunity to shine. no one wants to walk away from a project they're seeing a lot of success with. i get that. but sometimes when we over-stay our welcome, that success can quickly turn sour.

cervix, you've done a great job and i'm super grateful. but it's time to step aside and let the other stars shine. please think about what i've said.

best,
ann.

rest. i've been resting.

2012-05-09T18:19:00.000-04:00

miss me? i can't believe it's been two weeks without a single post. what i can't believe even more is how much i haven't really noticed.

well, i take that back ... i'm always writing blog posts in my head to you all ... things happen in my life and i think about how funny they are, or thought-provoking, and i want to share that with you. but the honest to goodness truth is that in the past 2+ weeks (because my last post was the only one i posted that week), i've just been too tired. and i'm not used to it. i'm used to taking on the world and pushing myself hard and getting it done. but "they" are right ... the 3rd trimester is exhausting ... just like the first. except now, i also have insomnia, so some times, i'm so exhausted and still can't sleep or get comfortable ... but i also don't have the energy to get up and be productive. but i guess that's life.

meanwhile, i still don't have anything set up and ready for the baby yet. i really need to get on that. like yesterday. but since i last posted, i went to a conference in philly, a wedding in virginia, and an ordination and baptism in new york. apparently i felt the need to get three trips packed into my last two weeks that i'm allowed to travel. but don't worry, i'm staying in bmore for the duration. and believe me, i'm thrilled about that. i'm happy to not have to pack up again ... just a bag for the hospital. and i'm happy to get back to the regular day to day things ... like getting caught back up on laundry and cleaning the bathroom ... because with all the travel (and steve at the end of the semester), these things have only gotten attention when there was a crisis situation, like no clean underwear.

this week, i've been taking it easy at work, taking back some of the extra hours i'd put in over the previous two weeks, and am purging and packing up things i don't readily use, to create space for a pack-n-play, so that the kid has somewhere to sleep.

how are you all? i do miss sharing my silly little stories with you. i think the hardest part of the fatigue for me is the mental fatigue ... when i just can't even get up enough energy to write myself a to-do list. that's when you know i've been hit hard :) and i miss writing for myself and for you all. hopefully in these last few weeks before the kid arrives, i'll find a little creative energy to write and let you know how it's all coming together. because boy, do i have stories to share .... :)

string lanterns, pests, time, and the retreat.

2012-04-23T23:18:00.000-04:00

here's your (somewhat) regular installment of random items i decide to talk about on here instead of putting together a full narrative.

i threw out my string lanterns. because i'm trying to pre-pack our home and clear out the clutter, i just decided that it wasn't likely that i would get them hung any time soon, and it just wasn't worth carefully packing them away. also, the biggest and best one (the one meant for the light bulb kit to make it into an actual lamp) had gotten a little spot of mouse blood on it. [yes, you read that right. mouse blood. if you don't follow me on twitter or facebook, you may not know about the unfortunate night my husband had the bludgeon a mouse to death for mercy-killing reasons. see what you're missing out on??]

also?? i was having difficulty getting them to hang nicely together in a grouping. this is partially because i'm way too annal about these things. so in an effort to eliminate clutter, i 86'ed them. sorry if you're utterly crushed by the lack of a final reveal. i'll make it up to you. [what am i saying?? i probably won't. don't hold me to that.]
we've gone something crazy like 5 or 6 weeks without any mice sightings or evidence. and then we caught one a couple of nights ago. also this week, the ants have been marching two by two into my home. so i'm fighting a pest war on two fronts. this house is my freaking waterloo, i swear it. any romantic notions i formerly had about living in an urban setting in a 100+ yr old rowhouse have been replaced with pining for new construction, complete with a poured foundation (over brick), contemporary plumbing, and lots of glorious three-pronged outlets. i'm probably a sell-out, but i'm tired of fighting the good fight for some youthful whim that i no longer find motivation in. mcmansions are my new dream homes.
i guess at 8+ months preg, most women start to feel like time is crawling by and they just want the baby to hurry up and get here already. not me. not in the least. not even a little bit. instead, i'm going into "holy crap, i only have 6 more weeks to get work done, maybe less!!!" mode. there's WAY more i need to do for work, and for our home (see above re: pests) before i feel ready for a third person to enter our family, and for me to be exhausted and out of commission. it doesn't help that steve's in the final stretch of the semester, with two weeks left to write two big philosophical papers, and so i'm trying to give him space to do that and not expect much from him (housework and moving wise) until that enormous burden is off his shoulders.

can life just slow down a wee bit, so that we both can get everything done that needs to get done.
this past week was childbirth class #3. we covered the transition phase of labor and c-sections. can i just ask a question ... why would they put those two things in the same week?? i went from the past two classes, walking out feeling empowered to birth a child, to this week, where i got in the car and cried, replaying for myself the animation of a surgeon's hands slicing into an abdomen and separating abdominal muscles. gross.

so i'm retreating back to denial for just a little bit. because it's safe and warm and nobody here is having a baby, mmmkay?

creating space.

2012-04-17T09:00:00.000-04:00

three dimensional space has been a challenge lately. it first started being a problem when a few family members kindly bought and gave us a car seat. we put it in the car, behind the passenger seat, and suddenly, i was claustrophobic in my own car. i couldn't slide my seat backwards to create more leg room, or tilt the seat back at all. i seriously felt like i couldn't get a deep breath.

at the same time, steve and i macguyver / ninja packed all the awesome and kind gifts that were given us into our car. they pretty much filled the trunk and backseat. that was four weeks ago and i still haven't brought the stuff in from the trunk. it's not because i'm not grateful. and it's actually not a ploy of denial (not this time, anyway) ... it's because i just don't have anywhere to put it all yet.

and so two weeks ago, i did the most american and bourgeois thing i've ever done in my life ... i began renting a self-storage unit. i could go on and on about how this is so not me to have to PAY people to keep my junk for me!! i mean, the whole idea just exemplifies how much consumerism there is in our culture, and how we don't know how to live simply, and how much we worship our material possessions that even things we don't need or use on a regular basis, and don't have the space for, need to be kept. it's just an organized form of hoarding. [can you tell i have a small soapbox i like to stand on when it comes to this issue??] and yet i signed on the dotted line to join the ranks of people who pay to store their junk. because i needed to create a little more room in our current home.

last week, i went through all the clothes that we've been given for the baby, and i separated it all into three plastic bins ... one for the 6 months and up stuff that we likely won't need for awhile ... one for the newborn and 0-3 months stuff that we'll likely need asap (i have a feeling we won't use the newborn stuff at all) ... and one for everything in between. two of the bins went up in the closet in space i freed up by bringing our down comforter and air mattress over to our storage unit.

and now i'm slowly going through our home and re-organizing things because i need to feel like we have more space in this home. i need to feel less cluttered, and like i don't need to rearrange a room just to vacuum or mop. this is not nesting ... it's re-organizing everything so that when i am nesting, i can just deal with the cleaning and such, instead of also having to do things like pack and cart over to the storage unit.

the last time i did a major reorganization and purging of our material possessions was in the months before we moved to arizona ... which was almost 3 years ago. i knew that we would be going from a spacious two bedroom apartment with ample closet space and a huge storage room ... to a one bedroom apartment (450 sq ft), minimal closet space, and no storage space. then, i was doing it because our life needed to shrink down to the size of a moving truck and economy apartment. this time, i need to shrink our life to create more space for things like baby furniture and diapers and lots of small clothes that somehow take up a lot of space.

and every day, this person inside of me pushes and kicks, trying to somehow find more space to grow in the span between my pelvis and my ribs. [spoiler: i think we may be reaching maximum capacity. maximum occupancy. no vacancy here. no room at the inn. if-you-know-what-i-mean.]

it's incredible to think about how much three dimensional space a person needs, even when you strive to live simply and don't buy half the gadgets and gear that are marketed to new mothers ... there still needs to be a space created for this new person to occupy in our home and in our life.

gender roles, family, & work: we still forget about the men.

2012-04-16T08:52:00.002-04:00

this past week there was a whole big to do in the media between hillary rosen and ann romney. honestly, what i think was a perfectly acceptable comment from hillary rosen somehow was interpreted that being a stay at home mom is not real work.

[the comment was that ann romney doesn't know the value of a hard day's work and therefore cannot be a spokesperson for women's views on the economic situation ... and let's be honest, whether you're a dem, rep, whatever, you and i know that ann, as nice as she may be, doesn't live where we live ... no matter what choices we've made ... her choice to stay at home and raise children is not the same choice many of my friends have made, who have families of 4 - 6 people on $50K or less a year, and clip coupons and swap clothes with other families to make ends meet every month.]

for the love of all that is good and holy and decent. are we really going there?? again??

and so the media circus went for round 8 million to rile up the natives on whether staying at home constitutes work (**ahem**, if you're ann romney, it probably still doesn't--but i won't go there) and what is the laziest lifestyle, and who can be more self-rigteous and emotionally indignant about their life choices.

and all week i heard this clamor ... but not once did anyone talk about the men who choose to stay home. and after all, THAT is what this whole discussion began with ... right?? with scott walker in WI declaring that equal pay is not needed, that men need to work more than women do?? and somehow, the media allowed us to get side-tracked and forget about all the amazing husbands who put their career aside or on hold, because they too see the value of being involved with their kids, and want to also give their wives the chance to be successful in the workplace.

how the hell did we not notice this?? we all talk about everyone's choices being legitimate, but when the national conversation arises, we completely ignore the fact that the real issue here being debated is that it's freaking hard to raise a family on one income, and people like scott walker who still think this is 1952 are screwing over the amazing renaissance men who have stepped up to the plate to be managers of their homes and primary care-givers to their children.

once again, we allow the 24 hr "news" cycle to hand us a pitchfork, so that we can get whipped into an emotional frenzy and have the same. exact. argument. once again, instead of recognizing that there is a larger context, and maybe it's not worth getting all bent out of shape about.

honestly, i wish that the conversation over the repeal of equal pay in WI had half the media attention, and half the emotional fervor that the revisiting of SAHM vs WM did this week.

---------------------------
UPDATE: wondering where the heck this is coming from, or why i have this little icon i haven't used in almost two months?? read the introductory post here, or click on this nifty little button that i created for us to use, so that you can get to the original post, where all the following posts will be cataloged.

all too true...

2012-04-14T04:11:00.000-04:00

steve showed me this family guy clip ... and this is just a little too true ... having done it twice, it's a little nerve wracking, knowing what qualifications you *don't* need to drive a moving truck.

for your saturday morning viewing pleasure...

the union jack changing table.

2012-04-13T17:59:00.000-04:00

so if you follow me on twitter, you know that in january, steve and i got a not-really-used-at-all changing table and crib off craigslist for super duper cheap. you also know that i started painting the changing table white (it was black), and then didn't do anything with it for two months. [have you met me?? i'm a classic project-starter-but-not-necessarily-finisher.]

and then, last week, i finally got around to getting it almost done ... and decided that even though i'm in the third trimester and we're running out of time (but certainly not running out of things to do to prepare), i was going to do something more exciting than just leave it white.

here's what i did with it instead...

i decided to paint a union jack on the front, with colors ... **excuse me** ... colours that coordinate with the bedding fabrics that will go in the baby's room.

it was a beast to tape, and i was ridiculous about wanting to do it accurately (believe me, there are a lot of wanna-be union jacks out there that are not drawn accurately ... i never realized it before!!), and while it's not 100% perfect, every time i walk by it (that's out kitchen, by the way), i fall in love all over again.

it's not done ... it needs a protective poly coat and some hardware, but i couldn't resist sharing it with you all.

i'll put together a longer post that details more of the how-to in case you want to paint a fun union jack on your own furniture with an alternate color scheme :)

childbirth class, union jack, thank yous, and real estate.

2012-04-11T12:29:00.000-04:00

you may have thought that with my recent increase in posts, i've abandoned the bullet-point-style of blogging i recently adopted. little did you know ... i wrote about 2 weeks worth of posts in one night, when i had a flurry of inspiration and didn't want to get off the couch. [what?? it happens.] since the deep well has since run dry again, i'm back to summarizing things and shooting you the highlights.

ready. aim. fire.

last saturday was our first childbirth class. this probably deserves its own post, but likely won't get one. [see above.] i went into it a little freaked out, just because i am fully aware of how much denial i am living in, and sitting for 2.5 hours in a room full of other pregnant people, talking about the ins and outs of labor and delivery ... not so helpful when you've got your eyes clamped shut, your hands over your ears, and you're loudly singing "LA LA LA." [i mean this figuratively, of course. i may be certifiably insane, but i'm not weird. at least not that weird.]

the good news is that while i was forced to confront some of the emotions and thoughts i'd been ignoring, i don't know that any of it was obvious to anyone in the room, other than steve [who can read my mind]. they also gave us a book that goes through the deets in a pretty non-agenda'ed way, which makes me really happy, because i'd been avoiding anything labor and delivery related, because i just didn't want to get manipulated into a decision or position that i may not have held otherwise. [can i just pause and say, what the hell, american labor and delivery culture?? if first time pregnant women like me have to be afraid of information, then i think we're doing it wrong. especially when we're talking about info/data junkies like me.] i'm just really grateful for a safe, informative space, where i can ask questions and learn about this process that i can't really opt out of.
so because i'm brilliant and not crazy at all, i decided that instead of just painting the changing table for the nursery (it was a craigslist find--along with a crib--that were black and i wanted to be white), i was going to paint a union jack on the front of it. it's an idea i'd had months ago ... you know, when i had lots of time to do it, and work wasn't nearly as crazy. and suddenly last week, as the white was coming together, i decided to just go for it.

the real reason [and this will show you how truly crazy i am] was that work is getting hectic. there's a lot of planning and ramping up that happens in the spring, as i head into my busy season of the summer. add in planning to be out for a large portion of the summer, and a few high-level decisions that need to be made (and relatively stressful meetings surrounding those decisions), and i suddenly found myself doing what i tend to do when work kicks into high gear ... never giving myself mental time off.

what i do is obsess in the evenings and on weekends about what i said in such-and-such meeting, and how it was perceived, and whether i should have said it differently, etc. i basically drive myself crazy with what-ifs and re-anaylzing things that i can't change. so much like the beginning of this blog, i needed a creative outlet that would take mental and creative energy, so that in my "down time" i didn't have any room to think about work. i seriously do this subconsciously, and it was kinda funny to catch myself doing it this time around, when i'm 8 months pregnant and really don't need to be taking on large projects.

but apparently, this is how i roll. check in with me in 4 months, when i have a newborn and have decided to buy a fixer-upper house. because you know that's what i'm going to do...
it's been 3.5 weeks since my baby shower(s) and i have only just begun my thank you notes. i had high hopes of getting them done while we were on vacay in ny, but let's be honest, i was more interested in spending time with my husband, whose brain was free to think about things other than ethics and the stoics and whether the stoics were pantheists or panenthiests [don't ask me about the distinction ... he explained it to me yesterday and i already forgot].

is it just me, or does it feel like a serious culture war over the mutha effin thank yous?? like this generational clash is right up there with feminism and free love in the 60s. like i feel like this is an episode of the wonder years that i somehow missed, when karen doesn't send the thank you notes out soon enough and the parents are all ashamed that she wasn't raised right. i know i'm not the only one who has this issue when it comes to showers, etc. but i feel like much like business attire, within a generation this whole thing will be much more relaxed and your value as a person won't be determined by your ability to hand write 40 thank you cards that all say essentially the same thing. [ooooh!! is there some kind of service i can sign up for, where you send them the list and they hand-write the thank yous and send them out for you?? guys, this is a serious money-making opportunity. who wants in on the ground floor, and actually likes writing these things?? i'll go 40/60 with you. for reals.]

can i just point out that emily post's own website says that i have until the baby comes, and if that doesn't happen, i get another two months' grace period??
i have a serious case of house-envy. or rather, home-ownership envy. i don't know if it's all the annoyances we've had with this current rental (hot water tank breaking twice, threats of having our water shut off, ant problems, mice problems, loud neighbor problems, neighbor with a scary pitbull, frequent parking tickets ... just to name a few from the past 8 months), or the fact that i still have boxes that i haven't unpacked since we left new york ... but i'm ready to give up my nomadic lifestyle. i'm ready to settle in and stop having to fit our life into a new floorplan every one or two years.

but have you seen what we have going on this summer?? even with house prices at rock bottom, and historically low interest rates, i just can't fathom trying to put this major life decision on top of our already over-flowing plate. so instead i surf zillow and dream of a time when if there's a mouse, i can call an exterminator and not worry that i'm investing in a home that isn't mine to keep.

where i was: the metropolitan museum of art.

2012-04-09T07:26:00.000-04:00

i mentioned a few days ago that steve and i stopped in to walk around the met in new york. [and i say "stopped in" because even though we spent about 5 hours there, we only focused on 2 main collections when there are like 14.]

they give you a little tag that is your pass in the museum. it's a different color each day. it was my favorite accessory that day :)

our first stop was the ancient roman/greek collections. steve's been studying philosophers from that era, so he was enamored with the fact that the sculptures we were seeing were contemporaries of the writers and philosophers from a couple thousand years ago.

of course, i'm less mature and was immediately enamored with this statue of a young greek who also was wearing a headband, and could seriously be my hair twin for the day.

twinsies!

also enamoring for me ... the bust of homer. dude wrote the illiad and the odyssey. i want to be him when i grow up.

my homie homer.

i found my husband staring at the bust of marcus aurelius. idk if it's the arched eyebrow or what, but this dude looks like he just doesn't give a damn. i submit for discussion whether or not marcul aurelius was the original honey badger.

and of course, i made steve line up next to all his little friends for a picture (because i'm ridiculous and demeaning to my husband like that). below, from left to right and in order of importance, are the following philosophers: stephanos ("steve" in gk), desmosthenes, epicurous, aristotle (possibly, they're not sure), and socrates.

then we turned to a little modern art. this seven-months-pregnant woman was already a little beat, but how often do you get to see original picassos and warhols and pollacks?? (oh my!!) and how often do you get to live tweet them, annoying the crap out of your followers?? [follow me on twitter here. i know i've made it so enticing.]

here's a quick run down of a few i thought i'd share. they're mainly the well-known artists, or works that i really love. and unfortunately, crappy photographs don't even begin to do them justice, especially the more abstract art. [if you have never seen a pollack in person, it's honestly breath-taking. what looks so flat and boring in a photograph suddenly has depth in person. his paint application looks less like a splatter and more like a tangle of yarn, playing with your mind and confusing you about what's the fore, middle, and back ground. i'm not an art expert by any means, but seeing his work in person is really cool and powerful.]

picasso's "dora maar in an armchair."

picasso's "girl asleep at a table."

close's "lucas."

dali's "madonna."

pollock's "number 28."

lethbridge's "untitled."

warhol's "still life."

kasner's "untitled."

keifer's "bohemia lies by the sea."

we also stopped in the met store and bought a poster for our home. it's a sketch of the gates. i got to see the gates in person back when they were in central park, and my brother and i trekked down to the city before dawn on a saturday to see them, because we both had to work later that day, but didn't want to miss the historical event. i have no idea where we'll put the poster, and it will likely go into storage for now, since i'm more in the process of purging and preparing to pack up than i am in making this current space homier.

another thing i really wanted to purchase is pictured below...

...but it had a price tag of something like $120, and while i think having a lego version of frank lloyd wright's work would be awesome, i'm not ready to shell out the dough. maybe once we've given up the gypsy life and have an actual house, i'll feel more comfortable investing in lego imitation ones. :)

have any of you ever been to the met before?? what collections do you focus on??

a quote.

2012-04-06T11:36:00.000-04:00

here is an actual quote from an email to my boss, where i'm requesting a meeting:

"These are just a few quick thoughts. This meeting doesn't need to be soon, but I know that with the Advisory Board meeting and the end of the semester, you're likely to have time now, or in mid-May. As a time-marker, May 22nd is when I am 38 weeks pregnant, and it begins to be more statistically likely that I could have the baby (it would be two weeks early, but this is when the bell curve begins to grow more rapidly as time progresses--and yes, I know this makes me a little crazy for thinking of it all in these terms, but it also gives me a little comfort). So I think we could put it on the calendar any time before then."

i don't know what's more shocking to you all ... the fact that my neurosis (and need for quantitative data) runs so deep that i know the statistical likelihood of giving birth by each week of pregnancy ... or the fact that in real life, i actually capitalize the appropriate letters and don't use ellipses and can be professional and all (rules i clearly abandon here).

PS... for those who care, here's the rough percentage of women who give birth by week according to some internet research i did:
--before 37 weeks: 4%
--at 37 weeks: 5%
--at 38 weeks: 10%
--at 39 weeks: 20%
--at 40 weeks: 35%

chopping my hair.

2012-04-05T08:00:00.002-04:00

so about 2 weeks ago, i went and got my hair chopped off so that i could donate it. i'd decided to grow it out because i've had essentially the same haircut since i was a teenager. i know that people who don't have curly hair get jealous, but the reality is that i can't play around with bangs or layers like you all can. my hair kinda has a mind of its own and i have to do what manages it best, otherwise it can get really ugly, really fast. length is one of the only variables i have more leeway with, but with curly hair, it takes much longer to grow out, because for every inch of actual growth i have, the length just spirals around and might be only a half inch of length when dry.

as a result, i decided back in august to try to grow it out long, and then cut it really short to donate it to charity to make wigs for people with cancer. i knew that if i had a good, solid goal in mind, i would have to let it get to a certain length, no matter how annoying it might be. [usually my hair can get very straggled looking once it gets to a certain length.] and then i'd have to cut it shorter than i ever have before, and it would get me to try it really short. so all in all, it would get me out of my hair comfort zone, and also serve a great cause.

well, i lucked out and got pregnant, which meant that a) my hair grew faster than it normally did (yippee!!) and b) my hair was healthier and thicker than it normally would be (i couldn't believe how much of it didn't fall out when it started to get longer ... one of the bigger advantages of the hormones!!)

here are a few blurry before shots when my hair was nice and wet, and i could pull it straight to show its actual length.

this is what that length looks like when it starts to curl up (this is still pretty wet ... it will shrink up another inch or two)...

i was debating whether i really wanted to cut it or not, because it was kinda fun to have long hair that i could make a serious top knot with. but on our trip up to new york, i knew that this was the last time before the kid came that i would see my beloved stylist, karen. and i knew two things ... a) the pregnancy hormones would not keep my hair thick and healthy past delivery, and b) i didn't want to go to anyone other than karen for this life-altering hair cut. so i went ahead and made the appointment for while we were there.

here's a shot after the initial pony-tail cutting. with the part down the middle and the chin-length curls, i felt like i should change my name to hans and grab some lederhosen. if i knew how to type out a german accent, i would.

it was a crazy experience!! karen got to use all kind of techniques on my hair that i'd never had before, because i'd always had longer hair. she used a razor on my hair, and a two-comb approach, and all kinds of neat things. it was terribly exciting for me :)

and here it is ... the hair off my head and in my hands (and already starting to dry and curl and look less impressive. i promise--there was definitely more than 9 inches there!!)

also worth noting--don't crop a photo at the belly when preg.

so like i do whenever i get a new haircut, i let it dry, looked at it, went home, wet it down, and started over with product that i'm familiar with. this was my first styling attempt.

because i often work with people who wear suits every day, i had hoped to avoid doing too much hair accessorizing (headbands and clips tend to make me feel like i look younger, and more casual). but the above hair style was just too blah. it didn't really feel like me yet.

so i bought a thin head band, hoping that it would blend in a bit, but tame my new white girl fro.

please excuse the blue steel above.

this was a little better, but i felt a bit like something out of the 70s. i tried on a number of fun thin headbands at target, and either the accessory got lost in my curls (aka the flower, feather, etc), or it squeezed the bejesus out of my head. so i went out a bought a few medium width fabric headbands and tried my luck with them.

finally, i felt like i looked like me, just with shorter hair. i've worn this style of headband every day since.

i'm really starting to like it, and i especially like that it takes me all of 20 seconds in the shower to wash, and that it doesn't take an hour (or more) to dry and look somewhat presentable. i don't know whether i'll keep it this short for ever, but i'm definitely enjoying a change, which is exactly what i'd hoped for :)

i thought the womb was a comfort??

2012-04-04T07:00:00.000-04:00

in the past 2 weeks or so, i've begun to feel like my abdomen stopped growing, while the child within continued to gain bulk and force. it used to be that his movements felt soft and gentle, and people describe them as "popcorn popping" or "bubbles."

lately, it feels more like this kid is army-crawling around my uterus. or break-dancing. i swear that he must get tangled up in the cord [and for a brief second i worried that this might be a problem, until i remembered that he gets his oxygen from me, not from breathing, so unless he gets the thing tight enough around his neck to stop circulation, we're ok], because every once in awhile, it's not just a single kick, it's more like a one-two punch/roll/duck move. it's like street fighter all up in my biz-naz.

with this recent knowledge of how physically assertive our kid is going to be, i'm wondering whether the whole swaddling thing is going to be moot. it seems more like this child sees the womb as a challenge ... a gauntlet i've thrown down that he must [and will] conquer ... rather than as a comfort.

i'm thinking that better than investing in those velcroed swaddler-blankets-for-dummies that everyone and their brother tells me is the bees knees, i might better begin by stocking up on coffee. and wine. [both for me. both in large doses ... postpartum, of course.] or maybe a padded room?? he and i can take turns with it.

forget me not.

2012-04-03T07:48:00.001-04:00

i think that one of the hardest things about moving away from a place you love is that after awhile, you begin to wonder if you've been forgotten. it's a reality, and it's human ... we all go on with our lives, and it's easy to have someone who is out of sight transition to being out of mind as well. it's like anything in life ... after awhile, you move on and there are more pressing issues to deal with ... or in this case, other people to fill that vacant spot in the community you left. there's a sadness, but there's also an organic, natural flow to it. this is how life happens.

so when a few friends in new york told us over christmas that they would like to throw us a little get together, like a baby shower, i was really humbled and grateful. and when we were in new york a couple of weeks ago, and it was more than just a few people who came to the party, and kindly brought gifts, and celebrated with me the fact that we're having a kid?? well, i have to be honest, i was a little in shock. so much kindness and love ... i was a bit dumbfounded.

that's why it's been so hard for me to just make these new places that we've moved to into my home ... because when you have friends who have known you most of your life, and who won't let you be forgotten ... who go out of their way to show you kindness and love?? i can tell you that that kind of love is not something that happens in a few weeks in a new place. and if you're very lucky, after a couple of years, you may have the seeds of it, and they may be germinating (but again, only if you're very lucky.)

see what i mean?? even the little details like cute cupcake wrappers with flags. so many little details and evidences of thoughtfulness. and the post-party talking and laughter with close friends?? one of my favorite gifts that day ... because even though i've got pretty much every thing i could possibly need for us to be ready to have a baby, all stacked neatly in our car and in our apartment here in baltimore, it's not as easy to access those moments, giggling like teenage girls, and having the chance to talk to someone who shares your convictions and preferences (and even political views!!). i mean seriously!! when does that happen for any of us, much less someone who has up-rooted their life twice in two years?? [spoiler alert: it doesn't.]

i didn't get a chance to take more than a couple of photos, because i was busy eating delicious food and opening generous gifts, but i am so grateful ... beyond words ... for that afternoon of fun and generosity from my friends. and i'm even more thankful for what that day was a manifestation of ... those who have actively chosen to remember me and continually extend kindness and love, even when i wasn't immediately in view, and it took extra effort and thoughtfulness.

the met, the mice, housing, me as an ostrich.

2012-04-01T18:35:00.000-04:00

welcome back again to my blog, where i've given up on writing actual sentences (as the title would suggest) and just send you the highlight reel ... but without anything exciting like actual video footage.

on to the bullet points...

steve and i went to the met. [for you non ny'ers, that's the metropolitan museum of art, located in nyc, on central park. it's gigantic, and more than you could really see in a whole week. a must-see for anyone visiting the city.] it's one of our favorite places to visit, and while he prefers exhibits that cause him wonder over time and space and history, i prefer the modern art exhibits.

me and the chairman (as depicted by andy warhol).

since we likely won't get a chance to go there again for ... oh, like 15 years (and even then, we'll be dragging teenagers and tweens, because you know i'm going to be that annoying mother who requires her kids to be exposed to culture), we figured we'd take the time on our return trip from NY to MD to stop in and say hi to pollock, socrates, and warhol.
magically, we have not seen a single mouse since we came back from new york. this is shocking, since steve literally caught and killed like 10 of them in the previous 2 weeks. our house is still full of sticky mouse traps (as it there are lines of them across doorways, and on the stairs, and i think the total is somewhere between 20 and 30 of them). i think we're finally feeling like this armistice may be an actual end to the war ... for now at least.
just when you thought i was done complaining about pests, the ants started coming back. and the sticky traps? they've caught a few of those nasty centipedes. also, a friendly little SHUT OFF NOTICE from the city of baltimore water authority kindly let us know that our landlords/management company hadn't been keeping up on that, and we might be suffering the consequences. [hashtag get me out of this place.]
given the past two bullet points, and the fact that our family is about to increase in size by 50%, i'm looking for a new place for us. i wish we were ready to buy ... but that whole move-across-the-country-oh-and-then-do-it-again thing was rough on our long-term savings. i have serious house-envy after recently staying with and visiting friends who are our age and have bought homes. meanwhile, i'm trying to find an apt complex that's still in the city (for convenience sake and to save on transportation), and also talk myself into the smallest apartment three people could possibly occupy, so that our savings has more of a chance of reaching down-payment status sooner. check back with me in 4 months, when i have a newborn in a two bedroom and am crazily asking myself why??? why?????
baby? what baby? we're having a baby?? i've been wrapping myself in a thick blanket of denial lately, and the junk is probably going to hit the fan, right about the time i go into labor. oh, and within a few hours of it hitting the fan, my whole identity and world will be changing, and both sides of the family want to visit ... right after i do the most strenuous thing i've even done in my life, and my body and hormones are freaking! the! heck! out! so even though we're getting to that point where it kinda makes more sense to count down in weeks instead of months, i'm willfully shoving my head back in the sand and pretending that ignoring it all will make it all go away.

me and trayvon.

2012-03-23T07:55:00.002-04:00

i've been waiting awhile to write something about trayvon. it's been about a week since i first saw his story on my twitter feed. (maybe it was there sooner, but i was distracted with work in az.)

i have so much sadness for this situation, and it took me awhile to put into words why. because i tend to be pollyanna-ish about racism. i like to think that i'm not racist (or rather, that if racism is a spectrum, i come in on the low end), and i try to see the people around me as human beings that might have different experiences and culture, making them sometimes different from me ... but never with a different worth or validity. and i guess i tend to assume that those around me (for the most part), are striving to do the same.

the first time i was slapped in the face with the reality that there is more racism around me than i may realize was when steve and i were dating and he told me that there were racists in new york too. i challenged him on it, and he told me a few stories of people who had approached him, knowing that he grew up in the south, and thinking that they could say racist things to him that they knew they couldn't say to others (aka someone like me). i couldn't believe it. in my white, suburban, middle-class world, racism was something we learned about in american history class in 11th grade, denoted by plessy v ferguson and MLK. it was something that old men in the south perpetuated, not young people in new york state.

there were a few black kids in my school and in my grade. i was friends with them, and so was everyone else. they were popular, even. but i didn't understand the idea of assimilation (or think twice about why it was "easy" for us to be friends with them, and whether or not it was "easy" for them to be friends with us) until i saw on facebook that one of my closest black friends from high school had gotten two big tattoos on his biceps in college--one of the puerto rican flag and the other of the jamaican flag, to symbolize the heritage of each of his parents. i had known that his parents were each of jamaican and puerto rican descent, but i had no idea that this heritage meant so much to a kid who had worn abercrombie and fitch and ran cross-country ... which was basically the status quo at my high school. and it wasn't all white wonderbread all the time at my school, either ... i read zora neal hurston and ralph ellison in high school ... i guess that was supposed to give me a window into racism and the black american experience. but i'm not sure that it really did.

i think one of the best things i ever did was work in an urban school. it was only for a year, but it allowed me an up-close, get-to-know-you relationship with the kind of kids trayvon is now symbolizing. you're not supposed to have favorites, but one of my favorites was a kid named elijha. he was sensitive and sweet, and wrote poetry. he was also in a small gang of freshmen. one of my proudest moments (not just as a teacher, but as a human being) was talking to him about the gang, and trying to ask him questions to help him think about it ... like why was he in the gang (for protection, to belong, identity, manhood, etc) ... and were these guys really his friends .... and was it worth it to be in a gang if part of that membership meant fighting with someone you liked (in the context of that week, his gang was scheduled to spar with another group of boys, and as part of his initiation/loyalty, he had to fight a kid from the other group ... a kid he actually liked and got along with). on the day of the fight, he stayed after school with me "for extra help with algebra," though we did more hanging out than we did math. a few days after that, he showed me his notebook of poems, and while they were riddled with 15 yr old sex (yikes!! why is this kid showing me this??), i felt like he and i were not teacher and student, but two human beings relating to one another, sharing the best of what we had to offer, and hopefully making eachother's lives the better for it.

(side note: there was one student i was seriously afraid of, especially one day when he stood up to me and towered over my 5 ft, female frame. this kid was also in a gang, and was actually arrested for jumping a 40 yr old with his friends. their weapons included a two by four and bricks. he was a drug dealer and was in my class because he'd failed. he was white. and scary. there were definitely kids to be afraid of in that school, but it wasn't because of the color of their skin ... it was more because of the choices they made and the lack of positive adults around them to make better choices. or at least that's my inexperienced take on it.)

in that year, i learned that a lot of the things that are stereotypically "black" are actually more true of poverty. things like crime, gangs, drugs, desperation. i read random family and sat in on lectures by a life-long teacher in that district. she told about how her teaching strategy had changed to not expect kids to have things like light-bulbs and free time at home. she shared stories of learning the culture of the students in her classes, and adapting her teaching strategies to help them so that their success wasn't dependent on an unfair assignment (ie watch the debate on tv at home and write a summary due tomorrow), but on their ability to think and perform (which could be done by showing the debate in class and assigning the writing in class, etc).

the following year, we moved to arizona. i don't know if you've been there before, but there aren't really any black people. there are lots of minorities and disadvantaged groups (hispanics, american indians, middle eastern populations), but it doesn't look the same as it does on the east coast or in the south. i moved there thinking i would brush up on my spanish. do you know that the only person i ever spoke spanish with was a dishwasher when i worked in the restaurant? he spoke little english and so he would work on his english with me, and i would work on my spanish with him. it was awesome, because he was the nicest, most positive person i worked with. we were also both very good at miming or pointing to what we needed. his name was marcos, and he was always smiling, and thinking of him makes me smile now.

in tucson, there are invisible lines. there are areas where all the hispanics live, and the grocery stores are the food city, and the churches are in spanish. then there are areas where english is spoken and the grocery stores are safeway and albertsons, and the churches are full of white people. there are white people who will say things like "i never go south of speedway--it's not safe there." it always bugged me because i'd been south of speedway plenty of times ... and while there were more poor people there, and more drugs in certain neighborhoods, the shooting of a congresswoman that got national attention occurred in the more posh white part of town. there are a few areas where there is more intermingling, but it's mostly in the middle class neighborhoods. and i have to admit, the last 6 months that we lived in our apartment complex, a hispanic family moved in across the little alley, and it was refreshing to live in arizona and hear people speaking spanish to each other, after having lived there for 18 months.

and now we live in baltimore. a city that is 2/3 black. steve and i made a conscious choice to not go to the church near johns-hopkins ... mainly because it was full of other hopkins people, and we prefer to not live in a bubble. instead, our church looks like baltimore ... mostly black with some white people and a few asians. i'm really proud of the fact that we have two pastors--one black and one white--and that on a sunday morning, you might hear a rap from the worship team. i'm not always comfortable in our church, because the reality is that i'm not the main demographic of the culture they're ministering to ... i'm white, i'm not bmore-born-n-raised, i've got a grad degree, and i'm white collar. but that's ok for me, because i know our church is a church that i could bring my neighbors to, and not have them feel awkward, be they black or white.

i don't know how to fix racism. and i'm sure i've said things in this post that can be misconstrued or sound racist to the right ear. but instead of being afraid of sounding like a racist to someone, i want you all to know (whoever you are, wherever you live, and whatever your race or situation in life) that race is something i think about ... on the regular. the reality is that i just try to do what i can to treat humans like humans. and today in target, i smiled at every small black boy i saw, because i want each one of them to know that i'm going to do my best to see them the same way i see other boys--as cute kids, not as potential predators. and i made eye contact with every person i encountered, and smiled, and said things like "i'm sorry, let me get my cart out of your way" when we were maneuvering in the aisles. because that's what decent human beings do for other human beings.

and i guess this idea of our humanity is what gets me most about trayvon ... is the fact that one human took another human's life, without an eye-witness, without that other person having any weapons on them ... and somehow, the person who did the killing (even if it was self-defense) is still free. i'm sorry, but whiskey tango foxtrot?? where is the law?? where is the justice?? if it was a mistake, we'd call it manslaughter. even if i can assume that the details were ambiguous, and race wasn't an issue, there still should have been an arrest by now. we're clear on who killed who, and the person who took another person's life has gone nearly a month without any kind of retribution other than the outcry on twitter.

i just can't make sense of it. this is why i couldn't write. i was dumb-founded ... do i not understand how the law works?? am i just being pollyanna again??

and then i thought more about it, and i talked it out with steve on the car ride back from new york, and i realized, that in some ways, to a white woman from the suburbs, trayvon encapsulates all the small bits of racism that add up to one great big mass.

i admit it, i've seen a black dude on the street and though twice about where my wallet was ... it doesn't happen every time i see a black guy, but i do admit that it happens. so maybe thinking that trayvon was "suspicious" is something that many of us can admit to, when we're really being honest with ourselves. but then there was the fact that zimmerman ignored the instructions to not pursue the boy. isn't that where he stopped having the law on his side?? where he went rogue?? how the hell did he end up shooting an un-armed kid, and not just shooting him, but killing him??

and how do the police just take his word for it, that the killing was in self-defense?? how do they bag the child as a john doe, even when he had a cell phone on him?? how do they not identify him to him dad until his dad reports him as a missing person?? how do they go to the dad and use a photo of him, dead, with blood coming out of his mouth, to ID trayvon??

aside from the actual shooting of an unarmed child, most of these infractions can seem ... well ... to be misguided if taken one at at time. the marking the kid as a john doe ... ok, so they didn't look at the phone or records to figure out who he was. not cool, but maybe they overlooked it. or the poor choice for a photo to ID the kid ... insensitive and unkind are words we could use, but again, if that were the only thing done wrong, i guess i could chalk it up to a cop having a bad day at work and not thinking twice about it.

my problem is that i see these seemingly "small" infractions all the time. and i'm afraid to cry racist on the offending party. i'm afraid to wrongly accuse someone of something that has become signified by lynching mobs and the kkk. but with trayvon, it's all there. you can't ignore all the details that all add up to some serious racism that cost a human his life, and yet somehow still to this day, doesn't add up to an arrest. this one poor kid, in a nutshell, embodies all the little bits of racism that i turn a blind eye to ... whether it's willingly, or whether it's out of hopeful optimism that we live in a "post-racist" culture.

and because i see too much of myself ... or people like me who may too often turn a blind eye ... in zimmerman and the sanford police ... this is why i couldn't put this all into words. because i don't want to think about how the little things i let go can add up to a child losing his life. i don't want to think about how my complaisance can play a role. i want my kindness in target to be enough. i want it to be enough that my experiences working with urban kids opened my eyes and changed the way i thought. i want a tweet or a linked post to show that we who try to be on the lower end of that racism spectrum are not the minority of white people.

but what catches in my throat is the idea that it's not enough. that clearly, with a child dead, this problem is bigger than i want it to be.

my bed, my friends, my hair, my brand of crazy.

2012-03-22T10:17:00.000-04:00

welcome to another edition of "my life as bullet points," the post where i don't even attempt to form lovely prose and just shoot half-formed ideas at you, so as not to forget the things i want to tell you all ... because you're my friends :)

on to the show!!

since the morning of february 29th, i've slept in my bed a grand total of 4 times. i've slept on one friend's futons, in another friend's actual bed (she is crazy and wouldn't let me sleep on a couch because apparently being pregnant turns you into the princess from the princess and the pea), in a hotel room, and finally in a guest bedroom. i'm changing my residency status to gypsy. do you think i need to pay state taxes on that??
related to the above (but certainly not restricted to it), i have been humbled ... and i do mean, speechlessly choked up ... by the kindness i've been shown by people who love me the past few weeks. i really don't deserve the love that i'm shown, and i'm regularly shocked that people who i haven't lived near in almost 3 years (or, in some cases, 5 years), still take the time to think about me, and like me, and show me kindness and generosity. in a life that sometimes makes me feel like a woman with no country (really city/town, but you know what i mean), finding that you haven't been forgotten, and that people still like you and care about you ... it's more breath-taking than all the mountain vistas i've seen.
my hair is gone. i'm only on the second full day since the chop, but i've already decided who i'm going to be for halloween this coming october ... jason sudeikis from the what up with that sketch ... track suit, sweat band, gold chain, and running man.

ooooh weee!
related to the first two bullet points, i have realized that while i'm still somewhat living in denial/disbelief of the fact that being pregnant means you actually have a baby, i've recently found that i'm not alone in thinking this and somehow divorcing the pregnancy from the fact that we're having a kid in a few months, is actually relatively normal. and by normal i mean that i'm not the only crazy person to do it.
marcus aurelies is the original honey badger.

the war on family?

2012-03-15T08:47:00.001-04:00

when steve and i were dating / engaged / newly married, people who had been married for a long time loved to throw a wet blanket on our excitement. it would drive me up a freaking wall when someone would say to me something along the lines of "yeah, that'll go away." as in "yeah, you won't want to sleep in the same bed for long." or, "yeah, he won't be so carefully thought-through with his valentine's day gift now that you're married." or, "yeah, you won't be saying 'i love you' multiple times a day once you've been married for more than a year."

this crazy cynicism came from lots of different arenas and communities and it always felt like someone raining on our parade. like they just couldn't handle the fact that someone actually liked their spouse and wanted to be with them and share life with them.

and because i've been told (by quite a few sources that i won't name here) that apparently the world around us is anti-children and anti-family, i've been bracing myself for more wet blankets thrown my way ... for more dousing of my excitement or happiness with water and flame retardant. i've been waiting to hear the "oh, you're excited now, wait 'til he comes home with a girlfriend with a short skirt and a nipple piercing you can see through her shirt." or, "well, i hope you enjoyed your youth, because this kid is going to drain you of all the energy you have."

but it hasn't happened. not. a. single. time. not by people i know, and not by strangers. in fact, it's been the opposite. i have strangers come up to me at work or out in public, and congratulate me. then they ask if it's my first pregnancy, and then they smile, and tell me that my life is about to change (and it's here that i internally clench, waiting for the cynicism and fore-warnings of woe) ... and then their smile gets even wider, and they nod their heads knowingly, with sparkling eyes and say something like, "and it all changes for the better."

maybe things change after the kid comes? i don't know. and while i do recognize that the structures in our culture (the lack of affordable childcare, more reasonable maternity leave benefits, etc) and not exactly "pro-family," at least not the way they are in other cultures, i have to ask ... where the heck is this "you're in a war to raise your kid" rhetoric coming from? and is it necessary?

again, maybe i'm just experiencing the cheer of pregnancy and things will change when the kid is visible and can make noise, but i have to be honest ... this lack of consistency between rhetoric and experience makes me feel less trusting of those who propagate the rhetoric and demonize the culture around us, making it so binary and "us vs. them."

the irony of work travel.

2012-03-14T08:01:00.002-04:00

there's so much irony in work travel. it's really not at all what i thought it would be. i thought i would be this sleep businesswoman, in black pumps and a pencil skirt, powerfully striding through airport terminals with her roller bag, all while on a conference call on her smart phone, commanding the attention of boardrooms far far away.

yeah, so i'm currently wearing yoga pants (complete with a few small paint stains), minimal makeup (aka eyeliner), and two day old hair. no. make that three day old hair. my shoes are off, and i look more like a soccer mom who is trying to run away than a powerful exec.

i also thought i'd get to see the country. and i kinda have ... sometimes from the window of an airport shuttle van, or in the dark, as i try to follow my gps to my hotel. and i've seen what the hilton looks like in new hampshire, and silicon valley, and albuquerque ... and truthfully, they're each a little different, but mostly the same. i think what's most surprising about this part is how the similarities are comforting instead of disappointing.

i think the greatest irony is demonstrated by the very first work trip i ever took. i went to san diego for a conference, and the conference was held at a loew's resort (read: super duper nice and expensive, except it was a gov't conference, so they'd negotiated a lower rate). i opened the door to my hotel room, looked around, and realized that the total square footage was about the same as my apartment with steve back in tucson. this is not to say that i had a suite, or anything super duper special. it was maybe just a tinge more spacious than a regular hotel room in a decent hotel. but the irony was striking ... i was traveling for work, and got to stay in a space that was the same size as my living space at home.

when i travel to phoenix, i pretty much always stay in the same hilton. it's close to our usual meeting/training site, and it's a hilton suites. not only is the living space larger than my actual living room in our little row-house in baltimore, the bathroom is larger than my kitchen. and the view's a lot better too.

all this kinda makes me feel like an imposter. like the people who are supposed to travel for work should also be going home to homes that are worth at least a half million dollars, if not more. they shouldn't be coming home to a 100+ yr old row-house in a sometimes questionable 'hood, where there's a serious mouse problem. they should drive lexuses and infinities, not hyundais. especially not hyundais that have a problem with the shift lock, so they've jabbed a car air-freshener into it, so that they can shift into and out of park and reverse. (what? that's never happened to you on your 3 yr old cheapo car?)

maybe i'm an imposter. or maybe i just would rather be comfortable in my yoga pants and flip-flops than wear conference-wear to impress an airport full of strangers. i will admit this, however, i sometimes hope that i don't run into colleagues in the airport when flying into and out of conference cities :)

little indulgences.

2012-03-13T16:59:00.000-04:00

a little over two years ago, i'd just landed the job i currently work, and was serving out the remainder of my final two weeks waiting tables at the restaurant. a woman about my age came in alone, and sat at a table for one in my section.

we ended up chatting and as i suspected, she was in tucson on a work trip. i told her that i had just gotten a new job and that travel would likely be required and relatively frequent. her advice to me was to stick with one airline to actually accumulate some frequent flyer miles. she also suggested that when possible, to try and take the time to do little things to indulge yourself while traveling. she suggested getting a manicure, or ordering a glass of wine when i'm out to eat alone again.

and i wish i could even remember her first name, to give her credit, because she was totally right. i pretty much only fly southwest, because a) they're efficient, b) they're usually the cheapest anyway, and c) when i signed up, their program allowed you to rack up a free flight the most often. (within a year of traveling, i had a free flight for my summer vacay. having my work travel pay for my vacay travel?? yeah buddy.)

and the little indulgences were a great tip too. while i've never been much for manicures, i do like the occasional glass of wine, though not lately. and on this trip, my indulgences were more like a bottle of lavender chamomile bubble bath for the second night i had to stay in hotel on day 10. or later, when working a 9 day stretch, my little indulgences looked like an iced venti chai latte from starbucks, especially on days 12, 13, and 14 of this two week trip.

and it looks like this ... right now ... me spending $5 for wifi on my flight back, so that i can indulge in blogging what's on my mind, (and in facebook and twitter to keep me company) while i wile away the four and a half hours it takes to get from tucson to baltimore. i'm usually too cheap to pay five bucks for wifi (or for a tea drink, for that matter) ... but to be honest, traveling for work can really suck sometimes. and in the grand scheme of my travel costs, i can usually eat a little more cheaply, and end up breaking even. and after all, if it takes my mind off of the fact that i'd rather be in my own bed than sleeping alone again, and it helps me to feel good about this part of my job, so that i don't cringe every time there's a conference or a meeting that requires me to not just be there electronically ... then it's totally worth the $25 per trip.

my life as bullet points.

2012-03-10T21:25:00.000-05:00

this blog is called "my life as prose." because it's my view on the world, written out in sentences and paragraphs. if you've read my "about me" page, you know that i'm one of those weird people who likes both math and english. and so while i toil away during my work day on things related to math and math ed, english (and more specifically, literature) has always been for me.

and as life continues to move, and i do crazy things like plan a two week work trip in arizona, and manage this new hormone-infused brain i have, i'm realizing that the flow of prose in my mind hasn't stopped ... it's just more bulleted. does that still count as prose? i should probably know this ... i do have a degree in english studies ... but whatev. we'll count it. ok? ok.

so without further ado, here is my life ... as bullet points.

being a pregnant feminist is weird. people RUSH to do things for you, and get very concerned if you have to do something strenuous, like bend over. true story, i spilled soda today at lunch, and got napkins to soak it out of the carpet. a female colleague saw me kneeling down and said, "do you want me to get that for you??" maybe i'm crazy, but it's my mess, i really don't mind cleaning it up, and i would feel really bad if this woman, who is older than me, out ranks me in credentials, and is just all-around nice, felt the need to clean up after me like i was a child. it strikes me as strange that this is a daily occurrence. but there it is.

i've been in arizona for ten days now. it's surreal because i don't live here any more, and at the same time comforting because i still know my way around and can do things like run out to target or swing by a nearby bank branch without it being difficult. i kinda love it.

it used to be that when i traveled for work, i would send a postcard to my little brother (he's 13) from the places i traveled to, just to give him a better sense of geography, and because who doesn't like to get mail?? i realized two days ago that i will soon be doing this for my son. i will be that mom who goes away for work and brings home a t-shirt or toy from a far away place. i suddenly felt posh and solemn at the same time, realizing that traveling for work is not as cool as it looks (i wasn't wearing stillettos and a pencil skirt while i wheeled my bag into the hotel), and that the reality is that buying a t-shirt or toy is really about me wanting to connect with my kid who i won't have access to when i'm away at work. i also realized why i hate that song, i'm already there ... it's because while the dad in the scenario sees himself at home, with his kid, and longs to be there, that doesn't actually make him there for the kid. crap. i'm already that dad.

i honestly can't believe i've been in arizona for 10 days, and am doing as well as i am emotionally. i think it really must just be the prayers steve is praying for me, because there are times when being away for 2 days is excruciating, and somehow i've made it ten, and am totally going to make it for the full 14.

the things you forget.

2012-03-05T07:30:00.001-05:00

it's so funny to me. it's only been about 7 months since we left tucson for baltimore, and coming back, i'm surprised at how much i've already forgotten.

the first thing i forgot was to not schedule my flights into/out of tucson for the heat of the day. because it's the desert and the west, the sun heats the air and creates big wind currents because of the valley tucson sits in. so getting into and out of the city is least bumpy in the morning and at night. guess what brilliant person booked both flights for afternoon?

traffic cameras. they're everywhere. and the yellow lights are short, so here they really mean "stop, i'm about to turn red," rather than "eh, you've got a good 5 seconds--speed up and make it" the way they do on the east coast. i might have already earned a ticket or two. whoops.

the sun is so much hotter here. and everything is more open air because there isn't crazy in-climate weather like there is other places.

there isn't any grass.

and while i can get around town and remember how to get to friends' houses, etc, i can't remember street names as well, or think through all the restaurants in a particular neighborhood.

i had also forgotten what it feels like to sweat without knowing you're sweating, until you get up from the chair and realize that your back is damp because the air didn't wick you dry.

finding consistency.

2012-03-03T09:30:00.000-05:00

so it's saturday morning, and i'm in the beginning of a two week work trip back in arizona. i've got about 3 or 4 weeks worth of work jammed into 12 days, and here on day #4, i'm already exhausted. thank God it's saturday, and i was able to sleep in a little.

i'm thinking about what to do with the alone time i've got this morning. i've already made plans to see friends later in the day and on sunday. and i'm thinking that since my flip flop broke yesterday, i may just go to target and spend the morning wandering the store.

that may sound crazy to some of you, but wandering target is something i do when i need to get out, but i kinda want to be alone. i think i started doing it in college, or when steve and i were first married, and he was out working in the evenings as a pastor. and i don't know why, exactly, but it soothes my soul to do this.

when we moved to arizona, i was really thankful that the closest target was only 1.7 miles away. i would go and walk the aisles, looking to see what new clothes were out, or what the throw pillows looked like in the home section. and i do it again in baltimore. and this morning, i'm thinking about doing it again.

i don't know why i find it so comforting to walk around and browse. i don't usually buy anything. i just look and take my time, and i don't have to talk to anyone, and i don't have to do anything. i can just look, and enjoy. and maybe it's very suburban of me to seek out the target wherever i go, and make it my quiet alone place. but there really is something about consistency that is comforting, whether you're in new york, arizona, maryland, or on a work trip and need to breathe a little.

yesterday, steve was planning to hang out with the guys while i'm away. he bought some poker chips, etc, for the evening, and they ended up not using them. on the phone he tells me, "well, i'll just return them, because we probably won't use them. actually, i'll just leave them in the car, and let you return them when you get back."

"oh, thanks, babe, for letting me return them for you." i said in response, teasing him and alluding to the fact that his comment may have sounded like something out of madmen's 60s dialogue.

"well, it'll give you an excuse to go to target." and we both laughed. checkmate. the man knows me too well.

mental health.

2012-02-28T14:38:00.001-05:00

it's been really good for me lately to give myself permission to not write. i don't know if it's because of the hormones, or the lack of energy, or just the shift in life phase, but i find that i have about a million post ideas that are half formed ... and then when i sit down to write, the words just don't come the way i want them to. or maybe it's just that they don't flow? eh. i don't know.

that's why i've retreated to twitter lately. because it's easier to fire off a few tweets about steve beating a mouse to death than it is to try and capture everything in a post. believe me, i tried to write a post first. it didn't work. so i gave up and tweeted about it.

and in this time of transition, as we try to get ready for a kid, get steve through another semester of grad school, continue the war on mice, try to settle into a new city (once again), and contemplate moving ... all while i'm still working and gearing up for my busy season at work (which is concurrent with the birth of our child) ... yeah. there just isn't enough of me to go around. especially when many days, it already feels like giving energy to grow a kid starts me off at less than usual.

and so for my own mental health, i've done a little re-prioritizing. cleaning the house got moved up the list. partially because i'm hoping that it will deter mice ... not that dust bunnies in the corners of the stairs or hard-water stains on the tub make a difference to a mouse when finding a place to terrorize ... but even when it doesn't do anything to help in the war on mice, it does make me feel less like we like in a ghetto slum and more like we're normal people renting a 100+ yr old row-house, where mice are always a battle.

and i've kinda cut back my blog-reading lately. partially because i'm just in one of those seasons when i'm not as interested, and partially because so many blogs out there make me feel like i'm not enough. i know this is me ... my issue ... but when you're cerebral to a fault, and people go on and on about bonding with their unborn child, it can make someone like me feel like less than a perfect mom before the kid is even born. i wish i were more vocal and had the right words ... because i know that i'm not the only first time mom who thinks this whole being pregnant thing is crazy-town, and that while it's neat to feel the baby move, it kinda reminds me of the movie alien (which i saw when i was waaaaay too young), and my first reaction isn't always "it's the best feeling in the world," but more like, "whoah. there's really a person in there. weird."

and the gorgeous home blogs? ugh. i'm waving a white flag. we have 5 months left here, and i'm already running on empty in the energy department. i need to STOP convincing myself to start crafty decor projects, and just focus on getting us organized and clean. that's all. those are simple goals. and they're really rewarding when i achieve them. don't get me wrong, i'm going to stay subscribed to these blogs for when we live in a place that feels like a home again ... but until they start posting about the best way to get rid of mice when you're allergic to cats and rent a house that was built when arizona was still a territory ... i'm probably going to not go there for awhile.

and since i've given myself some freedom to not write? and to not read? i've had more time to rest. and more time to refocus and tackle the things that are important to me ... like putting the baby clothes our moms have already bought us into size categories, so that they're sorted and ready to be de-tagged and washed, should the kid fit them, and the season be right :) and i've had time to go across town to target to hunt down the only pesky bulb that fits the ceiling fan in the kitchen that's been without a working bulb since i-don't-know-when. these are small tasks, and they don't take much, but they pay off for days with positive feelings about myself, our home, and our level of preparedness for the kiddo.

and beyond that, i've had the mental energy to face the mice issue. and the growing pile of work that isn't going to go away until after the baby comes. and i've had the energy to be helpful to steve while he's in school, even if it means just suggesting that we order a pizza so that there's no dinner to make or clean up after.

it's been a great past few weeks. and while not every day has been sunshine and rainbows (the low energy days are still the pits, and it still sucks to find "evidence" of mice all over your kitchen first thing in the morning), i can face it without letting the hormones put me on a rollercoaster ride that makes me want to vomit afterwards.

i'm not saying this is the end of the blog. but i'm also not making any promises either. honestly, i kinda love the accessibility of twitter right now, and i wish more of you were on it. i guess i'm just doing what i did last year this time ... which is letting myself breathe. letting myself remember why i started this blog in the first place ... to amuse myself, and to have an outlet. and right now, it's not serving either of those purposes ... mainly because i just don't have the energy for it.

...and if this post makes you oh-so-sad because you miss me ever so much, and now you desperately want to hang out with me on twitter, you can find me here.

friends don't let friends tweet at 5a.

2012-02-22T18:14:00.001-05:00

because i'm hilarious in my own head, i decided to share with you my late night / early morning insomnia ramblings ... i mean, you already come to this blog because either a) you, too, think i'm hilarious, b) you like to laugh at me instead of with me, or c) you're already a glutton for un-funny punishment.

so here you go, my funny to me (and perhaps a select few) twitter ramblings...

i'm probably going to regret posting this to my blog, but it's been a slow week and i'm tired. and i still think i'm hilarious. and i still have rihanna's "homeless place" stuck in my head. and since sharing is caring ... you're welcome.

unless, of course, you're weird like me and you actually think i'm funny in which case ... do you like it? do you love it? do you want some more of it? you can follow me on twitter, or like the blog on fb, both of which have my random thoughts ... funny and otherwise.

where i was: a quick tour of the french quarter.

2012-02-17T08:14:00.000-05:00

a few weeks ago i was in new orleans for a very quick conference. i absolutely love that city, and since steve's family is from a little town about 45 minutes away, i've been there a few times, and gotten the "real tour." :)

our conference hotel was just off canal street, which pretty much divides the downtown from the french quarter. i know it's very touristy of me to love the french quarter, but i really do. it's the old-world culture and charm that makes it such a unique place. it's a pocket of culture you can't find anywhere else, where old-world french meets new world southern, and amazing art and cuisine are the result. [if you've ever been to old montreal, it's something like that ... not the same french culture and influence, but that same very special location and pocket of unique culture like nowhere else.]

when i'm in new orleans, i always promise myself that i'll at least make it to cafe du monde in the french quarter. but then usually, it just doesn't happen. on this trip, i got into the city after dinner on day one. and on day two, i was in a conference all day, complete with heels and a networking reception until 7p. the last thing i wanted to do was trade my heels for walking shoes to trek out into the night. but on day three, i skipped the last two sessions (they didn't pertain to me), traded my conference wear for sneakers, leggings, and a tshirt, and took off to get just a little time in the french quarter. i only had two hours and ended up walking 2.5 miles. here's what you can see in that time (especially if it's raining, and you're pregnant, so you move slowly)...

the streetcars are amazing. this one was on canal street :) if you ever get the chance, and have time to relax and see some of new orleans, hop on one of these bad boys. i think the fare is like $1 each way (maybe $1.25?) and the insides are all wood, gorgeous, and it's incredible to see the streetcar operator drive the thing.

and of course, a trip to new orleans wouldn't be complete without at least noting (and taking a picture) of a voo doo shop. or in this case, a voo doo mart. (i thought that was kinda funny. definitely the tourist section.)

i crossed canal street and turned down decatur. it runs parallel with the mississippi (kinda, since the river's not really straight), and is the street that cafe du monde (my main goal) is on. just before i got to the promised land, i came upon jackson square (pictured above). at the back is the st. louis cathedral. it's huge and lovely, and reminds me of disney in the sense that it's the old world beauty and charm that disney had to evoke to weave its fairy tales of princesses.

there's a huge garden (which i think is actually jackson square itself), and it looks lovely, but i confess, i've never gone in. mostly because if you're looking at jackson square (like in the photo above), and you turn to your right, you see this...

i know you can't see it from here ... unless you've stood here before ... and then you know why i care ...because that green awning just past the tree on the right looks like this when you get closer...

the promised land! cafe du monde! (also note the mural in the right-most third of this photo, painted on a wall in the background. classic new orleans art, bright and lovely, even in this horribly over-exposed photo. you see this art all over the french quarter, and all over the city.)

this is the reason i hauled myself all the way into the french quarter when i only had a couple of hours ... fresh beignets, in a mountain of powdered sugar!! cafe du monde only really sells beignets (aka fried doughnuts) and cafe au lait. i ordered frozen cafe au lait, hoping it would be refreshing. i only took one sip ... it was still coffee, which i usually love ... but on a day so humid that it started to drizzle, when i'd power-walked my way there?? i stuck with my water.

crappy picture, but just past the pillar is a dude with a guitar, just singing and strumming away. completely normal in new orleans for there to be a street musician just hanging out, playing for bills.this guy was just outside the cafe when i first came in.

in fact, in the few minutes that i was sitting there on the patio, another two dudes came and set up on the side walk with a tuba and a trombone. the air in new orleans is as thick with art and music as it is with humidity.

this was my lovely view from my little cafe table, as i munched my fried dough :)

yep. i ate it all :) and it was wonderful.

also worth noting, the pigeons love the leftovers and aren't too shy to swoop in under the canopy and hang out on a table before the bus boy gets the rest. [this is for anyone out there who doesn't love birds ... there's an inside area where you could eat and not feel like you were living out your hitchcock nightmare ... laura.]

once i had my belly fully of sugar and carbs, i set off back in the direction of my hotel, but on a less direct route, so that i could wander the french quarter, enjoying its sights. i was really hoping i'd stumble upon a bakery with some king cakes for sale, so that i could bring an authentic one home to steve. unfortunately, i never found a bakery ... but i did find king cakes for sale in the walgreens on canal street. less authentic, but still made steve happy :)

the following are the random things i saw that seem to make the french quarter what it is ... at least in my eyes :)

classic new orleans ... get your booze to go!! [did you know that louisiana has drive-thru daiquiri shops? they do. but people don't drink and drive ... of course not ... because they give you a lid on your booze slushy that doesn't have a hole for a straw. so it's totally legit. and safe.]

another view of st. louis cathedral. crazy to think it was built ~200 yrs ago, and still looks so lovely.

many of the sidewalks are brick in the french quarter. just another reminder of how long ago all this was built. i also love the old wrought iron porches you see on the second story of almost every building. i'm sure there's some special name or term for this architectural feature.

all over, you see banners with gold, green, and purple. these are the mardi gras colors, and even though when i was there, mardi gras was still something like 3 weeks away, you already saw the colors flying.

huge hanging ferns and brightly painted shutters are the other architectural feature (if a plant can be architectural ... clearly i'm an expert, peeps). since it was the middle of winter, there weren't so many ferns all over, but i found one porch with some decent foliage, so i snapped it for you. and i totally dropped the ball on snapping shots of shutters, but you can see the ones on the right in a nice shade of blue.

gas-lit lanterns, wrought iron signs for hotels. don't you just love it?

and the neat thing about the buildings in the french quarter is that many of them have a courtyard on the inside of the block. this hotel had an open-air corridor to a garden courtyard. i wish i could have gotten a better photo, but with my naked eye, i could see a lovely stone bench and well-groomed trees.

and even in the more residential area, the houses have the same inner garden/courtyard too. i want a house with a secret garden / courtyard :)

that's all i got, friends. random. and accomplished in just two hours. i hope you get to visit new orleans, and take pictures of the things that catch your eye, and can share them with me too :)