One woman, was text book dyslexic, literally. She took part in several university studies because she had such typical symtoms. She described one experiment in which she was performing better in the math component than expected. Her interviewer asked her how she was scoring so much higher than her math skills warranted. She didn’t want to say.

“I’m getting the right answers. If I know the right answer, why does it matter how I know it?”

Stubborn, but you can see her point. She eventually explained that the man conducting the study was sitting across from her, reading the multiple choice questions, and then the four possible answers. When he read the correct answer, his pupils dilated, so she picked that one. The interviewer turned his chair around so she couldn’t watch him read, but she still got them all correct. She could hear his voice change when he read the right answer.

Such an interesting woman, so intuitive, and she noticed everything. As she dug her elbow into the soft tissue of my shoulder she taught me how to be a good subject, “You’re holding your breath. You have to breath through it.” I miss her.

These relationships don’t last. You move cities, or they quit, or begin working at a high priced salon who’s prices I can’t justify. That’s what happened to the last one.

Breaking up is hard. I’m stressed out. Which is the last thing you need when your masseuse has dumped you.

Now I have to go back to the horrible experience of masseuse dating. The first person I tried was terrible. I’ve had puppies kiss me harder than that.

Then my wife booked a guy. I enjoy massage too much for it to be a guy, plus men think they are tough, so they massage by digging in their fingers. Women work with their smaller stature and go straight to the elbows. Women give harder massages.

Anyway, this guy was a train wreck. He would just stop moving, and for an uncomfortable length of time, just stand there with his hands resting on my back. All I could hear was the bullshit new age lute music and his deep breathing. What the fuck is he doing up there? Is he trying to send energy into me? A good massage should not feel too long, or creepy, and this was both.

Deep tissue massage enthusiast seeks partner. I’m punctual and a good tipper. You’re an interesting woman with soft hands and stern elbows, who has no interest in mystisim. We both appreciate a good silence and a stretched ligament. Waiting for your call!

This isn’t intellectual snobbery. You don’t have to have an advanced degree to appreciate that you should be listening to the American Cancer Society, over Suzanne Somers. Right?

People do listen to Suzanne Somers’ advice on their health. Why is that? Everyone has an opinion, but not all are equal weight. I’m with Science on this. I’m always with Science.

If I push you over, your ass will hit the ground. How long that takes, and how hard you land, is predictable, measurable, and consistent. Age, race, language, spirituality, political views, language, ideology, your entire belief system, is irrelevant. If I push you over, your ass will accelerate towards the ground at exactly the same speed regardless of what you believe. It works the same for every person and thing, in every place. Gravity doesn’t care what you believe. That’s a reality we all share. That’s Science.

Human life expectancy has more than doubled in the last hundred years. Science did that. Not ancient wisdom, not good parenting, not herbal remedies, not belief or religion, it was Science and modern medicine that doubled the amount of time people get to listen to fools on television.

Jenny McCarthy was Playboy Playmate™ of the year in 1993. That’s how she became well known. She went on to host a dating game show on MTV, then acting roles, and wrote several books. She’s beautiful and funny, no doubt. She also has opinions that contradict Science.

Jenny McCarthy says there is a link between vaccinations and Autism. She claims the vaccination for measles, mumps, and rubella, which has prevented the deaths of an estimated 1.4 Million people, causes Autism. She knows this because of her experience as a mother, as proof she cites studies which the Scientific community have thoroughly discredited.

“There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there always has been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.” – Isaac Asimov

My nephew has Autism. Great kid. You don’t have to spend much time with him before you understand there’s lots more of him locked inside. You get this because his disorder ebbs and flows. It’s like a thing that fights him.

My sister and her husband are intelligent people, educated intelligent people who have an autistic son. I can’t imagine how frustrating it is to hear advise from well meaning people prefaced with, “I saw Jenny McCarthy on Oprah, and she says, …”. I’d find it difficult to be patient.

No one knows what causes Autism, it’s likely not one thing. It’s a multi layered problem that requires expertise ranging from Nutritionists to Neuroscientists. Research is going on all over the world, but there are still more questions than answers. Science doesn’t have the answer to Autism, but I can assure you, neither does Jenny McCarthy.

It’s going to take many people, so much smarter than you or I, working hard in universities, laboratories, and hospitals, to find the keys needed to loosen the grip of my nephew’s disorder. People doing that work aren’t getting famous or rich, and they may or may not be pretty. There are not many Scientist working on treatments for Autism, or Cancer, or Alzheimer’s, or any disease, that would qualify to pose for Playboy magazine, or host a dating game show on MTV. But luckily, those aren’t relevant qualifications for doing advanced medical research.

Value the opinion of talk show hosts and models at your peril. At all our peril, really, because ignorance has an impact. Childhood diseases we thought we eradicated are making a come back, and becoming immune to the few antibiotics we have to treat them, because people are choosing not to vaccinate their kids based on fear and the opinion of someone who’s qualifications end at being lovely.

There are answers to Autism. People practicing good Science, will find them. The problems we face are complex, and the scope of human knowledge is vast. Solutions can not be found if we abandon facts, evidence, and rational thought as crucial to their discovery, or put our faith in people who should be eliminated from the discussion through the application of common sense. I suggest, as a good solid guideline for adult life, that you do not take medical advise from a Playmate™.

Resources

Autism – Centers For Disease Control And Prevention

The danger of Science denial – Michael Specter (TED Video)

MEASLES, MUMPS, AND RUBELLA VACCINATION AND AUTISM – New England Journal of Medicine – evidence points to no link

Immunization Safety Review: Vaccines and Autism – Institute of Medicine: No connection between MMR vacines or thimerosal and autism

NY TImes – Three separate trials determine that thimerosal, a preservative containing mercury, does not cause autism.

Responding to a fourth trial judgment that dismisses a connection between vaccinations and autism, advocacy group Autism Speaks, who has previously supported the idea of a connection, released a statement: ”While we have great empathy for all parents of children with autism, it is important to keep in mind that, given the present state of the science, the proven benefits of vaccinating a child to protect them against serious diseases far outweigh the hypothesized risk that vaccinations might cause autism,”

Partly, this is an “in comparison to you” statement. She gets up before me and she couldn’t be louder. I go to bed after her and I’m as quiet and stealthy as a church mouse. I take a degree of pride in my ability to navigate the pitch black bedroom without waking her. I don’t manage it every time, but the effort is always there, and I think a little acknowledgment isn’t too much to ask.

Instead, on the rare occasions I forget about my gym bag and trip over it as I glide through the room, I inevitably hear her roll over and say, “Nice job, Ninja.” It’s scathing.

Today she confronted me. “You woke me up again last night. I saw you holding your phone in front of you like a flashlight.”

It’s true, I’ve adjusted my methods. The bit of illumination from my phone screen helps me avoid random obstacles on the bedroom floor. I don’t get the thrill of doing it in the dark, but I see the gym bag snares before I step into them. It’s a compromise, but I’m not a purist, it’s the results that count.

“Phbbt! Ninja?! You use a flashlight… You’re a fuck’n flashlight Ninja!”

It’s that lack of respect that really stings.

The International Criminal Court, which prosecutes individuals for genocide, crimes against humanity, and war crimes, issued arrest warrants for Joseph Kony and a few of his comrades in 2005. They put him on a Most Wanted list. Do such things matter? They should.

Anyone can make a list. The internet is full of them. If a Most Wanted list by the ICC has the same impact as a blog  that lists, “Top 10 Biggest Jerks in the World”, then the ICC stops being relevant.

Do we support the idea of identifying people who are doing terrible things, and bringing them to justice. I think we do, but making that a reality is complicated. It’s not the movies, you can’t just phone up SEAL Team 6, and have them parachute into the jungle to get the bad man. Finding and capturing a man, who is an expert at hiding in dense jungle, and who uses child soldiers as bodyguards, is going to be extremely difficult, and messy. Is it the right solution? That’s a complex discussion, but it’s one worth having.

The organization that produced this video, Invisible Children, has opened itself up to criticism, much of it valid. Is producing movies the right way to spend a charities money? Is it the right way to address war crimes? Should a charity be promoting violence as the simple solution to complex problems? Will arresting Kony solve the deeper underlying problems of the region? These are all good questions, and this video is why they are being asked.

I’m working with teenagers who are among those who were briefly passionate about a war criminal and international justice. That’s astounding. This video is unlikely to accomplish it’s goal, Kony’s arrest, but it did get millions of people interested, and at least partly informed, on a dark subject that had little chance of standing out on the internet, or capturing the attention of a an audience used to consuming videos of cute kittens and hilarious prat falls. That’s an accomplishment that should be applauded. Shining a light on the ugliness of the world is one of the things the internet does best, and I believe it makes a difference.

If the video inspired you, but now you’re disenchanted with the whole thing, and don’t know what to do, donate money! Money makes a difference, and you have it, yes you, the one reading this on a high tech device. If you want to help Uganda, or child soldiers, or just war torn shit holes in general:

• Unicef – The UN’s children charity
• Kiva – loan money to individuals and groups in Uganda trying to better their lives

Have you ever driven in traffic? You know what I mean then, people are morons. Not you and I, obviously, but other people. You’ve seen them; people driving cars who are aggressive, impatient, slow, inefficient, unsafe, distracted, illegal, foolish, dangerous, and unaware, or indifferent, to basic rules and procedures. The average person should not be in charge of a 2,200 kg (5000 pound), 350 Horse Power machine capable of 180 kph (110 mph).

One million people a year die in traffic. Automobiles are the number one killer of young people; 400,000 under 25.

Vehicles account for more than half of petroleum use in North America. You and I, driving to the grocery store, use half the oil we have. It’s an obscene use of a valuable and vanishing resource.

There are millions of square meters of asphalt. In cities it can exceed half of the land area. Huge swaths of it spiderweb our lives, and even during rush hour, they are mostly empty. A highway, running at full traffic capacity, is 93% vacant space.

Elevators were manually controlled at one time. A lever, operated by a person, moved you up and down. But that is in the past, because machines can move us around faster, safer, and more efficiently. Why are we still driving cars?

That may sound like a leap. It’s not. Existing technology can drive a car, and make traffic completely automated. The benefits would be amazing. We just needs to decide to do it.

I am obsessed with the idea of automated traffic. For years I’ve been sitting at stop lights pondering algorithms to control robot cars. Thankfully there are people smarter than I am doing the same thing. My wife wants to trade the car in on something else. I’m holding out.

“What are you looking at?”

“That black fish!”

There is an aquarium behind me. A handful of colourful fish weave through the artificial world. They say fish are soothing.

“He keeps chasing the yellow fish around. He’s being a jerk.”

“Maybe they’re playing a game. How do you know it’s not fun?”

“See there he goes again. It’s not a game. Look at the yellow fish. He’s thinking, ‘Why won’t that guy leave me alone!’ ”

I feel obligated to point out that we are not characters in Finding Nemo. “I don’t think that fish is thinking anything.”

“He’s doing it again! What an asshole!”

I love that she thinks one fish is being mean to another fish, and is getting genuinely upset about it. I tell her so. Although let’s remember our priorities, it’s date night. So, I add, “Now quit worrying about the fucking fish and pay attention to me.”

It’s like purchasing real estate. There are meetings, appointments, paperwork, legal documents, itemized invoices, and professionals of all sorts to guide you through the many intricacies. The process of adopting a baby is a business transaction. It’s difficult to connect it with the idea of a real child.

Not everything different is bad. Our “Home Study” was not the terrible experience I was dreading. The woman who conducted it was nice, and she asked some thought provoking questions. Questions that created discussions my wife and I wouldn’t have otherwise had, and that was a good thing. Taking a ‘baby care” class is also mandatory. Again, not looking forward to that. I expected “How not to kill a baby 101″. But, it was a time well spent. The nurse who ran the class was a good teacher, and I did pick up a skill, I can wrap a baby burrito now.

The class provided me a great deal of reassurance. We were the only one of the eight couples taking it that were adopting. I know this because the nurse had us introduce ourselves, say when we were expecting, and let her know what our experiences with babies is. The guy next to me says, “We are due in six weeks. I’ve never even held a baby.” Dude. And his wife, the woman with the infant knocking on her insides to get out, said she had “a little more experience, but not really”. Dude.

I feel good about this. I have three younger sisters. I started babysitting when I was young enough that my mom got me to read by paying me with comic books. When I was 16, a relative offered me the chance to live in the city if I could look after her two young sons during the week. A little money and not living with your parents all summer was a good deal, so I was a nanny for a baby and a two year old. I hate to brag, but I don’t remember it being that tough of a job. I feel good about this.

Still, it’s difficult to connect lawyers, paperwork, and a class with a plastic baby, to the idea of a real one. Having one in your hands will probably do it. It’s nice to think that living with a pregnancy would better prepare you, but I’m not sure that’s true. Maybe it wouldn’t hit you until you had it in your hands. Maybe it’s not that different from fatherhood, by any other method.

“Did you just threaten to give me a karate chop to my wind pipe?”

“That’s right.”

“And you’re going to argue with me that you’re a little butch.”

It took me a week, but I won that argument. Although any ground I gained, I lost when I told her my love increased for her twelve to thirteen percent.

Do you ever forget to put the sheets back on the bed until right before bed time? I hate that. You’re all geared up to climb in to a comfy bed and let the days troubles ease away, and the naked bed mocks you.

That’s what happened. We forgot to make the bed. The sheets were upstairs in a pile, and I was dreading that one last chore. I bitched about it as I trudged up the stairs to our room. But when I walked in and saw that she had made the bed without a word as a nice surprise, I looked at her and said, “My love for you just increased twelve to thirteen percent.” She wasn’t impressed.

I argued that she should be. Increasing our love, grown over our 9 year history, in one instant, 12 to 13 percent, is impressive. I mean, she didn’t give me a kidney, she just made the bed. I figured I had been pretty generous. She’s an accountant, she appreciates numbers, she saw my point. Still, I was getting in a habit of digging myself into holes. So when I brought up the blue cheese I was already in trouble.

We were hanging out, and I said I loved her, and she asked, “How much?” Yes, dorky, and sickly sweet, but we were by ourselves, and this is a game we like to play. Don’t judge. I try to stay away from the standards, I try stretch a bit, and this time I said, “I’d give up blue cheese for you.”

“Blue cheese! You’d give up mold for me! Nice.”

“But blue cheese is so awesome.”

She wasn’t buying it. The word “mold” was used repeatedly. It seemed to me she was concentrating on the wrong details. The point was that I loved blue cheese and I offered to give it up for her.

“But blue cheese! Moldy stinky cheese! Why not chocolate?! If you asked me, I’d say chocolate.”

Well now we were just arguing the relative merits of different foods. It’s the sincerity of the offer that makes a difference. And when I made it, my offer was genuine, hers was not. When pressed she admitted her giving up chocolate was unlikely.

“See, that’s the difference. I meant it.”

“So you’re going to give up blue cheese for me? To prove you love me?”

“Well not now. You’ve ruined it.”

The process has many steps. One of the first is a meeting with the woman who is completing our home study; the stamp of approval to proceed. She gave us a questionnaire to do. Family history, upbringing, that sort of thing. I flipped through it, and the first question I came upon was “How do you typically react when you have a disagreement?” It was a “check as many as apply” question. Lots of options. One of them was,

• Sometimes punch and break things

Who would check that box? It would have to be someone that not only does punch and break things when they disagree with their partner, with whom they are adopting a child, but also, they maintain an unwavering adherence to “honesty is the best policy”. I would think that question identifies a narrow margin of the population.

I showed my wife, “See baby. I told you. We’re golden.” I think we’re doing fine. She’s afraid of not getting picked. I don’t get that. I’ve told her, “I don’t get that. We’re awesome. We’ll totally get picked.”