My Only Kidding

82nd Oscars: The Breakdown

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 22:12:00 +0000

I really loved this Oscar season. Last years was as about as exciting as the year of LOTR: Return of the King, everyone knew it was going to be Slumdog, Heath Ledger, etc. But there are so many unknowns and irresolute factors in this year's competition. Will ten best picture nominee throw the voting out of whack? Will box office be a factor? Who will Dakota Fanning vote for?

I am going to break it down with the top 8 awards- who will probably go home with the gold, and who really should.

Best Picture

Who will win: The Hurt Locker

Who should win: Inglorious Basterds

Anything but Avatar, right? Well who knows. The 10 nominee thing could really screw things up including making everyone's second or third choice the new winner. The Hurt Locker was great, but I truly believe Basterds to be the best film of the year. The concept, characters, dialog, acting- everything. The biggest criticism of the film is that its a few incredible scenes loosely knitted together. I can see that argument, but when a film really moves me that stuff isn't as important. Basterds is the rockstar nominee that really should.

Best Director

Who will win: Kathryn Bigelow

Who should win: Kathryn Bigelow

I think everyone is rooting for the Bigs for three reasons. One, she is a great filmmaker. Two, she is a woman. Three, she used to be married to that dickhead James Cameron and now they are nominated against each other. Everyone knows Cameron's a tool with his fucking weird Amadeus hair, and since they recently axed the Avatar spoof for fear it would hurt his feelings, I loathe him even more. Nothing would be sweeter than his (talented) ex-wife taking the prize, then masturbating with it later to spite him.

Best Actor

Who will win: Jeff Bridges

Who should win: Jeff Bridges

He has had an awesome career and had a solid performance on a strong, but slow film. Colin Firth won of the BAFTA so he seems to be hot on his trail, but I think Bridges has this one.

Best Actress

Who will win: Sandra Bullock

Who should win: Meryl Streep

Along with best picture, this is another really tough one. Comparing performances, Meryl Streep deserves this one for Julie & Julia. But there are so many other factors. The Blind Side had an incredible box office and was powered by Bullock, who America loves. The Academy even showed support for her by nominating the film for Best Picture, one of the goofiest moves ever. I think that really pushed a lot of the favor to Bullock's side.

Best Supporting Actor

Who will win:Christoph Waltz

Who should win: Christoph Waltz

The only 100% lock. Has won every major pre-cursor award.

Best Supporting Actress

Who will win: Mo'Nique

Who should win:Mo'Nique

Another safe bet. But will she shave her legs?

Best Original Screenplay

Who will win: The Hurt Locker

Who should win: Inglorious Basterds

This award will pretty much determine who will get best picture. Both are great, but once again how can you deny the perfection of that Basterds script. I think the energy is pushing to the Hurt Locker, and it might be just enough to win.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Who will win: Up in the Air
Who should win: Up in the Air

They have won most precursors and its almost a certain thing, but they have had some very public feuds over this. Apparently Sheldon Turner wrote a very poor script off of the book, then Jason Reitman took it on his own and made it into the film today. But because Turner adapted it first, he had to be credited. Apparently the first version was stale and slow, and Reitman has been pretty vocal about it. The good thing is other films don't even come close as far as precursor awards, so it seems pretty locked.

What do you guys think? Any ballsy predictions up your sleeve?

10 of the worst Ke$ha Lyrics

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 17:33:00 +0000

Ke$ha - so poetic. She really is a wordsmith. She knows how to get down deep into her soul and pull out those very genius phrases. Like, lets piss in the champagne. Here's 10 of her worst lyrics.

Olympics Results

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 04:42:00 +0000

The state of Rob

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 03:09:00 +0000

March will mark my eighth month in Chicago. In these past eight months I have gone through more change than any other time in my life.

I have been working really hard at becoming a better improviser and actor. I have this blind focus right now. I have packed my previous relationships and memories away and have been concentrating hard on what I came out here to do. When I first visited this city in January of 2009 I saw some of the best performers in the city. I now interact with those people on a weekly basis. Its unreal. A few weeks ago I booked a flight to go back to JMU for the last weekend in March. This will be my first visit back in ten months. Its forced me to think about where I am and how far I have come. Its overwhelming.

I have been severely displaced in a short amount of time. Literally everything in my life is new. Within a month of graduation I found an apartment online, put my computer and clothes in a bag and moved to the middle of the country. I did not come with friends. I got a job within a month and began building a new social and professional world for myself, one that was completely separate from everything I had built on. I started from scratch. Now I just finished my first improv performance, I have an internship at a theater, I auditioned and was accepted into a sketch comedy group and completely support myself financially.

This trip back to JMU could not have come at a better time. Its exciting to meet new people, but everything feels a bit like Lost In Translation. A complete life-shift takes a lot of energy from you and its really nice to find someone who gets you. In Chicago I have been called weird, inappropriate, off-color. Its an interesting interpretation and I can only take it with a grain of salt, because I know back in Virginia there are people who get me. I need to keep being those things because they are my guts. They are my ugly that gives me reassurance that I am doing the right thing with my life. I will never be a vanilla person.

So as I listen to my lesbian neighbors scream at each other (no joke, I just heard the one say "you aint no Beyonce, bitch") or when my cable provider just hiked my monthly bill (because it suddenly costs more to do the exact same thing you have been doing for years) I know I am here for a reason, and that good JMU reminder is just around the corner.

The best Judge Judy ending ever

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 19:13:00 +0000

Daytime television takes place in another dimension. This ending to an episode of Judge Judy is priceless.

Follicle Inferno

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 21:48:00 +0000

Whats worse than a baby doll?

A ginger baby doll.

Whats worse than a ginger baby doll?

A ginger baby doll you can shave.

Rob is gross

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 02:11:00 +0000

Valentines Day has passed. Hey single people, we made it! Surprisingly it didn't really affect me. I have completely come to terms with being a single guy for every Valentines Day of my life. It used to be a problem, but I have recently realized that the world is probably a better place with a solo Rob Anderson. Its not for my sake, but for the poor person who would have to date me. I would never wish that on anyone. Because I am one gross motherfucker.

I was born with the gross gene. Sometimes I gross myself out. You know when you get the meat sweats? After you eat a lot of meat your entire body perspires? Well I am the human equivalent of meat sweats. Uncomfortable, embarrassing, disgusting. Thats what it would feel like dating me.

To drive my point I have listed 10 reasons why I should stay single.

___

1. I live for Domino's Mac and Cheese Pasta Bread Bowls. I have eaten two in one sitting.

2. When I'm drunk I like to pee in the sink.

3. If I don't take a shower immediately when I get home from the gym, I probably won't until the next day. My sweat will dry and I will have forgotten that I worked out.

4. I like to top my turkey sandwiches with mounds of mayo mixed with bacon bits.

5. I cringe when I use Q Tips because there is so much wax you can't see any of the swab afterward.

6. I am extremely hairy and shed with the frequency of a golden retriever. There is hair inside my zip-up pillow case.

7. Odors that come from my body are inconsistent. 50% of my farts smell like nothing. The other 50% are absolutely terrible. Its a gamble.

8. I will reuse my own socks multiple times until they get so stiff with dried foot junk I absolutely have to wash them.

9. When push comes to shove, I will Febreeze my clothes.

10. I can still see that old pepperoni slice in the corner of the kitchen. Its from that frozen pizza I ate when I came home drunk one night in September. It will stay there until I move out in July.

Smudged

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 19:41:00 +0000

I love awkward moments on TV. Just last week Dr. Oz performed a live prostate exam on his show. You can watch the clip and cringe, especially when the entire audience laughs right when the doctor sticks that pointer finger with the big ol' class ring into his poop hole. Yikes!

But another ham-fisted moment in the Oprah-branded television world was when the queen herself invited Superbowl MVP Drew Brees onto her show. She clearly must not be his biggest fan because she tries to wipe off... his birthmark. Watch, its super awkward.

Pajama Jeans and the Hoodie-Footie Snuggle Suit: 7 things you can take away

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 19:18:00 +0000

Pajama Jeans (double click to expand)

1. Normal Jeans = Wearable Sandpaper
2. Busy people usually don't look sharp
3. Cotton and spandex were never put together, until now.
4. Brass ribbets will always make your clothes look European and expensive
5. Jeans have been known to 'bind and tug' the shit out of you
6. Normal sweatpants cant be trusted
7. Grey t-shirts seal any deal, especially after they have been exposed to liquid nitrogen

Hoodie-Footie Snuggle Suit

1. House temperatures have been dropping at an alarming rate.
2. Women spend all of their free time writhing, jumping, and giggling on a bed
3. Footed PJ's for women are all the rage
4. Getting around is a hassle
5. Gloves inspired by the bird lady from Home Alone 2 are in style right now
6. Marshmallow is a type of Fleece
7. Women read

Gravity is a bitch

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 23:47:00 +0000

2010 Anderson Oscar Predictions

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 04:27:00 +0000

Every year I nail these. Last year I nearly got every one right. I havent been following as closely as years past, but I think I can make a few educated guesses. Before my predictions, here are my thoughts on the race so far:

-I am really happy with how the Critics Choice Awards gave Avatar the technical awards, but kept the big ones like Director and Ensemble (basically their Best Picture) to the ones that deserved it.

-Mo'Nique needs to shave her legs

-I am really, really rooting for Inglourious Basterds.

Ok here we go!

Best Picture

1. The Hurt Locker

2. Avatar

3. Inglourious Basterds

4. Up in the Air

5. Precious

6. Up

7. Invictus

8. An Education

9. A Serious Man

10. Star Trek

alt (500) Days of Summer

alt Nine

Best Director

1. Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker

2. James Cameron, Avatar

3. Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds

4. Jason Reitman, Up in the Air

5. Clint Eastwood, Invictus

alt Lee Daniels, Precious

Best Actor

1. Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart

2. George Clooney, Up in the Air

3. Morgan Freeman, Invictus

4. Colin Firth, A Single Man

5. Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

alt Viggo Mortensen, The Road

Best Actress:

1. Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia

2. Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side

3. Carrie Mulligan, An Education

4. Gabby Sidibe, Precious

5. Helen Mirren, The Last Station

alt Emily Blunt, The Young Victoria

Best Supporting Actor:

1. Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds

2. Woody Harrelson, The Messenger

3. Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones

4. Matt Damon, Invictus

5. Alfred Molina, An Education

alt Christopher Plummer, The Last Station

Best Supporting Actress:

1. Mo'Nique, Precious

2. Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air

3. Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air

4. Diane Kruger, Inglorious Basterds

5. Penelope Cruz, Nine

alt Julianne Moore, A Single Man

Best Adapted Screenplay:

1. Jason Reitman / Sheldon Turner, Up in the Air

2. Nick Hornby, An Education

3. Neill Blomkamp / Terri Tatchell, District 9

4. Geoffrey Fletcher, Precious

5. Wes Anderson / Noah Baumbach, Fantastic Mr. Fox

alt Roberto Orci / Alex Kurtzman, Star Trek

Best Original Screenplay:

1. Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds

2. Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker

3. Joel and Ethan Coen, A Serious Man

4. Scott Neustadter / Michael H. Weber, (500) Days of Summer

5. Jon Lucas / Scott Moore, The Hangover

alt James Cameron, Avatar (though I really hope not)

These Facebook ads are getting ridiculous

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 04:09:00 +0000

Does 2010 already suck?

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 03:39:00 +0000

A new decade! Out with the old, in with the new! That is, unless, our 'new' is a combination of awful media moves, terrible pop stars, unworthy movie buzz, and the worst social media decisions I have ever seen. Oh yeah, and that earthquake or whatever. Wow guys, we are really off to a great start. Here's some of the worst things about our new decade.

Conan/Leno

This whole situation has to be the dumbest thing to happen to NBC in a long time. And the ironic part (and yes, this is a classic example of situational irony) is that Conan's ratings are probably shooting through the roof at the moment. I really don't know what else to say on this other than the obvious. I'm with CoCo.

Ke$ha

This dummy has the top two selling songs on iTunes, her terrible music is blasted on every cell phone ringer and 19-year-old college girl's 'getting ready' playlist. And she is terrible. I mean, this asshole put a dollar sign in her name, and shes white. How does she even know how P.Diddy feels like when he wakes up in the morning? How do you brush your teeth with a bottle of liquor? If this is our superstar of 2010 I would rather listen to popozao on repeat with my fingernails being ripped off one by one and having Magic Johnson's used condoms rubbed in my face.

Sarah Palin joining Fox News

Its the end times my friends. We all know Fox News sucks, but this was the icing on the cake. When I heard this news I really wasn't angry. I felt this sad sort of acceptance. Probably how I imagine Jesus felt right before he was crucified. You kind of give this internal shoulder shrug and know that this was probably going to happen. The worst part is that in her debut for the network she admitted that leading up to the 2008 presidential campaign she thought Iraq was behind 9/11. Sigh.

Facebook

I know I have written about this site more than I can count but it seems like its only getting worse in 2010. With Zuckerberg admitting that people don't want privacy and the announcement that they record every click you make to determine your besties, Facebook has lost what made it so important. I feel so terribly helpless too, since I definitely still use it. I think the best way to retaliate is to go on 'like' rampages on people's walls. They cant remove them, it notifies all of their friends, and it shows how absolutely fucking stupid the user experience is on the 'book. That will show 'em!

Avatar Buzz

It needs to die, and I know as award season approaches it will only get worse. Stop talking about it. This is exactly what they wanted (and expected).

Yes the movie was good, but I cant let a terrible script be praised so highly without whining a little bit. The world of Pandora was beautiful and creative. My only issue with this one is that, technology aside, it had as much narrative complexity as a Spy-Kids film. The military was so terribly one-sided and ignorant, it made the film lose sincerity. Wouldn't it be a much more interesting film if there was some sort of moral dilemma where we had to invade another planet, to say, save ours?

It had a huge budget and got huge returns. I just hate that this film just supports the notion that to make money you have to have money. And that if you market to us enough- we will see whatever film you want. Because we are American.

But I thought that was an after school activity

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 16:40:00 +0000

From Nana

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 13:04:00 +0000

e-mail subject: ITSME

dear rob i wish you a happy new year and a healthy one.

no doing drugs and be a good person . i love you nana pop and cassie [her cat]

___

Happy New Year everyone! See you in 2010!

Awful Inventions: Terrorist Water Heater

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 19:34:00 +0000

Ive started bringing my lunch to work and have nothing to do at my desk other than think up bad inventions and make them in microsoft paint. Heres my first one.

Getting the shower after your roommates and family members sucks. You start to feel the water chill within a minute and know its all downhill from here. Thats where the TERRORIST WATER HEATER comes in. Its a fake bomb that you strap on to your shower head that terrorizes the water into being hot! When your actual hot water heater fails you, this attachable device makes your showers more enjoyable. The best part is, the water doesnt realize its a prop- it actually believes its being being terrorized and therefore converts its lazy ass into the hotter temperate that you prefer! This is a simulated example of how it works.

(You step into the shower and just as you work your Selsun Blue into a lather your water temperate starts dropping)

You: Thats enough, Ive had it!

(You strap the Terrorist Water Heater onto the shower head)

Water: Whats going on?

TWH: Its me bitch, you better get yourself hot real quick.

Water: Oh God, dont do this- I have kids!

TWH: Yeah then you better get your molecules movin' or your ass is history!

Water (crying): Im going! Jesus, Im going!

TWH: thats right bitch.

(You then enjoy the best shower of your life)

2009 Film/Music Mashups

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 05:42:00 +0000

Some awesome Mashups for 2009. The blog is cutting a little of the video off, double click for the larger version.

All 342 Films this year

The top 25 songs according to Billboard

BMurph - u wil b msd

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 05:25:00 +0000

So Brittany Murphy died this weekend. This was another celebrity death for 2009, so I have decided to put her memorial cupcake with the others.

Usually when a celebrity dies I check twitter to see what people are saying. Usually the first ten can give me a consensus of what the entire population thinks of that celebrity. Well when Brittany Murphy died, everyone wanted to know what the celebrity king of tweets, Ashton Kutcher, would do. This was his response:

2day the world lost a little piece of sunshine. My deepest condolences go out 2 Brittany’s family, her husband, & her amazing mother Sharon.

Then followed by:

see you on the other side kid.

Then followed by his usual sharing of links, pictures and videos. One of my friends was disturbed by this, asking what the world has come to that people tweet the deaths of friends. I think Ashton Kutcher's response was totally appropriate. I mean, they dated years ago, and now hes married. Is he supposed to hold a press conference? His tweets are probably more visible than a press statement anyway. But this did get me thinking. How would other celebs have tweeted their remarks on the deaths of friends and lovers?

Cher to Sonny:

'i got u babe.'

Jessica Simpson to her career:

'ws nice while it lastd'

Sammy Sosa to his dark features:

'bleachd skin & blu eyes r in this season, sry.'

Beyonce to the other members of Destinys Child:

'u girls will alwys b in my <3"

wait, they are dead right?

Sir, your head is shaped like a penis

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 07:11:00 +0000

Just thought he should know. Thats all.

Suri Cruise: Bitch is ridiculous

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 03:23:00 +0000

I have never been interested in celebrity couples, marriages or kids- with the exception of one: Suri Cruise. She makes the most insane faces. Ive been collecting and archiving my favorites for a good post, and... for other reasons.

Jesus helped me rollerblade on grass

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 23:10:00 +0000

Your favorite catholic supply store has come out with some new christmas goodies- Jesus sport statues! Lets take a look.

The essential guide to speaking Italian

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 22:00:00 +0000

(click to enlarge)

Mom can get a new TV

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 21:46:00 +0000

I just received a letter in the mail from Bank of America stating that if I fill out their form I can receive up to $500.00 if I were to have an accidental death.

Bank of America, what the fuck.

The Pittsburgh Thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 20:43:00 +0000

This is my second Thanksgiving away from home and somehow I always feel guilty about not spending it with my paternal family in Pennsylvania. This might be due to the constant reminders I receive when I do spend time with them, about how I don't spend time with them. Confused? Yeah, me too.

With the exception of St. Patrick's Day, I have never been the enthusiastic one when it comes to a holiday. I love the seasonal experience that accompanies a holiday, but the actual event always seems to fall limp. "Yeah this is nice to be off of work, but why isn't anything else open? What the fuck am I supposed to do with the rest of my day? Spend it with you guys? I dont think so."

I spend most of my Thanksgivings in Pittsburgh. These were enjoyable when I was younger but became increasingly awkward as I matured. Having been removed from this experience two years in a row, I have finally let my guilt subside and have come to terms with my holiday apathy. Its simply something I have grown out of. I would say I probably have more in common with Arbor day. "Rob, how can you say that?! A holiday with food and family?!"

Okay then, lets start with the food. I like simplicity. I could deal with just turkey and gravy but Thanksgiving is a culinary orgy. Everything is a version of a casserole with arbitrary names like 'gibbler' that don't explain what I am eating. Why is this corn in my bread then mashed into pudding? Ham and olive pieces incased in jello? Why are there marshmallows melted on my potatoes? I think what I dislike most is the fact that Thanksgiving includes every food except the one I love most: cheese. Isn't this an American holiday? Wheres the cheese?

Now the family part. The last time I had Thanksgiving in Pittsburgh I was 20-years-old and still sat at the separate white fold-out card table with my cousin Matt, his unwed baby momma Danielle and their three kids, two still in diapers. Not to mention the awkward conversions I have with my yellow-toothed uncle. As I alternate my breaths with his in order to avoid what I imagine smells like a salmon's pussy coming from his mouth, I am forced to hear about his one friend that did a commercial one time, and how I should totally get in touch with him.

So instead of investing the time and energy into traveling and soaking up the small talk this holiday season, I did things my own way. I woke up at 10:45 am, watched three minutes of the Macy's parade where an obscure country star sang on a rainbow float sponsored by Jimmy Deans, masturbated twice, then went to Subway and got a foot long turkey and provolone. And my night may include a Domino's Mac and Cheese Bread Bowl and an episode of Survivor. But lets not get too excited.

Infoslut

noreply@blogger.com (Rob Anderson) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 04:36:00 +0000

When I meet someone for the first time its hard to get a good first impression. I concentrate way too hard on how I am behaving to even remotely care about them. But after a few encounters we all tend to slump back into who we really are, and within the third or fourth meeting those annoying usual habits creep in. I am sharper with noticing some human habits but am completely oblivious to others.

That's usually when a friend will fill me in on how annoying Amanda's vowel sounds are, and it now becomes the most obvious part about Amanda. Or how Craig cant keep his storytelling skills on track and spends too much time in the details. I have gotten better at noticing these things, and in the grand scheme of things, they arent that big of a deal. If Amanda has a great sense of humor I dont care about her odd vowels. If Craig is hot, then he can still tell his shitty stories. More important things will usually trump the minor faults in friends, and I would hope others would apply the same philosophy with my traits.

But there is one personality trait I wont be friends with. No one seems to notice this feature except for me and it drives me crazy. I can spot this within minutes of knowing someone, and without over exaggerating, its hard for me to even look them in the eye after recognizing it. They become less of a person to me. Its the type of person who will hear or read about an fact, story, or event, then pass that information off as if they created it, saw it first hand, or know more about it than you do. This person is an infoslut.

I am unsure why infosluts are so hard to spot, as you are probably friends with one and don't even know it. Though I have known infosluts my entire life, I will give a recent example.

About two weeks ago I was at a new friend's house with his roommate and his other friend while they carved pumpkins. Lets call the friend Zoeytits. Zoeytits was an infoslut. She sat on the ground with her milky white, fat thighs crossed indian style as she carved her pumpkin. Things were just spewing from this girls mouth- from facts about the human body to rumors about the new Sex and the City sequel. It wasnt the things she was saying, it was her delivery. As if she spoke to Kim Cattrall's vagina personally and it whispered dirty secrets about the film.

When Zoeytits left to either get a drink of water or take a huge dump (Im not sure which, but I will assume it was the latter) I looked at my friend and his roommate and said, "You guys have to be kidding. You don't notice how bat shit crazy this girl is? She is literally repeating last week's E! News as if she hosted it herself." They didn't know what I was talking about. The only response I got was something along the lines of "No, it just comes off like that. Shes just a really, really smart girl." No, she wasn't.

Janeane Garofolo once said "As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion." Granted, it was a parodied puppet version of Janeane Garofolo, but the point is still valid. You cant just read or watch something then state it as if you were the source of the information.

Another type of infoslut you may run into is of the social variety. Lets call him Frankenfag. Frankenfag didnt go to that crazy party, but will (over)hear everyone talk about it the next day. When he finds himself in a group of people who arent aware of the crazy shit that happened, he will dramatically explain the night in detail, usually adding "it was insane!" This is the time where I wish someone would step in and say "Frankenfag, you weren't there." But it doesn't happen. Not even in this scenario I just made up. Because that's just how much these people suck.

In a small way you have to hand it to these infosluts. It takes a lot of energy to commit to a half-assed story or blab re-packaged celebrity gossip in a way that makes us believe you are very informed. That being said we probably wont hang out again. I missed Survivor for this.