Danny Trejo is Machete. Let me say that again in case you missed it – Danny Trejo is…Machete. Let’s get it right people, it is not pronounced “Ma-shetty,” it is pronounced “Mah-cheh-tay” and it stands for many things. First and foremost, it stands for the most outrageously over the top movie since Black Dynamite. You can even describe Machete as a much more violent, Mexican version of Black Dynamite. The big difference is that this movie, while hysterical, is unintentionally funny. Can you recall the last time you laughed heartily at multiple beheadings? I am assuming that you are not a psychopath so your answer was probably “never,” but you will when you watch this movie. The funny thing about Machete is that people thought it was a fake trailer that aired with “Death Proof,” and there is a slight truth to that. The full story runs along the lines of James Cameron’s “Avatar,” just with a higher quality end product. Machete has been in development (at least mentally) by director Robert Rodriguez since 1995’s Desperado (which also featured Trejo). Trejo was always the actor Rodriguez wanted to play Machete Cortez and you will enjoy every minute of this vision coming to fruition.

Machete is a tale of legends, betrayal, revenge, love, war, justice and Machete. In case you haven’t already noticed, this review will feature the word “Machete” in completely unnecessary abundance. Machete is just that badass that saying his name creates sound effects like a cracking whip or thunder, every time you say it. Go ahead, say it — “MACHETE!” Make sure you say it with strength in your voice (la fuerza) and soon it will be part of your everyday common speech. Yes, Machete is a ridiculous movie that does not take itself serious at all. Everything about it is over the top: The violence is ridiculous, there are commercials in it that are on par with the ones you see in RoboCop, and you get to see how a girl carries her cel phone while she’s naked.

Machete details the later exploits of legendary federale, Machete Cortez, pretty much the only honest cop left in his organization. He finds out that he’s the only one when he tries to save a girl and runs into his old partner Torrez (Steven Seagal) and is left for dead after having to witness some seriously traumatic murders, those of his wife and young daughter. As horrible as it sounds, I was already laughing at this because Steven Seagal has probably starred in about 85 movies that started similarly. The story then opens up to a scene you would normally expect to see at your local Home Depot and madness ensues for a good hour and a half. Machete must learn that he is not in this fight alone because the people love Machete, the people need Machete and the people will follow Machete into one of the most insane showdowns you will ever witness. There is nothing new here story wise: hero is betrayed, hero gets girl, girl gets in trouble, hero saves the day and the girl. What makes Machete shine is Rodriguez’ execution and his ability to put together a cast of “why the hell are these people on screen together” actors for true cinematic alchemy that created pure gold.

The cast literally took this movie to another level. Danny Trejo oozes Machete the way Razor Ramon used to ooze machismo, chico. You can easily see why this was a dream that Rodriguez would not let go of. Machete walks the Earth for the single purpose of eliminating scum and this film has some great, scummy villains. Robert De Niro plays Senator McLaughlin, whose campaign to get re-elected centers around closing Texas’ borders to Mexican illegals, referring to them as parasites, cockroaches and terrorists. His right hand man is Booth, played by Jeff Fahey who funds McLaughlin’s campaign with drug money. Let’s not forget that he is an unconscionable killer and his plan to get the senator re-elected is more than a little questionable. Also, he wants to bone his daughter. Lindsay Lohan is said daughter and to prevent a lawsuit, all I will say is she plays a very convincing Lindsay Lohan as April Booth, aka “the nun with a gun.” The “good” senator also hangs with Don Johnson, aka Lieutenant Stillman, who leads a militia hell-bent on killing any and all border hoppers. This trio of turds are all silently under the control of Steven Seagal (Torrez) who provides their money, drugs and guns.  I think every character in this movie could at least have a short film just about themselves and it would all tie into Machete.

Now we take a look at the good guys who for some unknown reason are not named Machete. Michelle Rodriguez is Luz, aka Shé, taco stand owner and leader of “the network.” She’s sort of a Mexican Harriet Tubman and the network is an organization of Mexicans that have made it into the country and back each other up to make sure they stay in the country. She is at odds with Jessica Alba, who plays Officer Sartana (La Migra!) Luz considers Sartana a traitor to her people since she helps keep illegals out. They have two things in common: they both want justice and they both love the Machete. I was a little lost on the scene where Shé used some kind of Mexican ninja magic to heal Machete’s wounds (she rubbed an egg on his head then cracked it and left it under the bed), but hey, this is Machete’s world, you just don’t ask too many questions. Rounding off the cast is the always amazing Cheech Marin. I am not personally a weed smoker nor have I ever been, but this guy is definitely one of my heroes and “Padre” was so badass that only Machete could possibly have been any more hardcore than him. I swear, they need to make up a new Oscar category and give Rodriguez the award just for best casting.

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This film was amazing. From the intentional low definition look of the film grain treatment to the often terrible puns and one liners like “Machete don’t text.,” you are doing yourself an injustice if you do not see this movie. Machete ranked third in this weekend’s box office charts (opening weekend for Machete) where it trailed The Expendables and Takers, respectively. Now I have seen Stallone’s film and I am telling you there is more action and more satisfaction in Machete. I have not seen Takers and I have nothing at all against T.I. (actually like the dude) but honestly – are you really gonna go see Takers over this movie? Another bank robbery movie over Machete? I guarantee you that just hearing Torrez’ speech at the end of the flick will give you more entertainment than the other two movie combined. Machete will put hair on your chest and make your testicles finally drop, and that’s if you’re a woman. If you are a man, it will make you man up and punish your enemies as you find creative uses for the newfound knowledge that the human intestine is 60 feet long. It’s Labor Day, you have to go to work or school tomorrow. Make sure you do it as a real man.

¡viva México!

Earlier today I read a great post from ECW great and current member of the TNA roster Raven. Before continuing my post please read his commentary first.

Raven’s thoughts on steroids:“The sheets crapped on the former ECW guys who weren’t in shape, but decry when wrestlers used steroids. Make up your mind. Benoit who until he became a double murderer was the biggest steroid user in the business and without steroids he never would have had a career, yet he was never buried for it. Other guys were. Don’t you love people who pick and choose their favorites when condemning society.”

After reading his blog I can’t help but agreeing with Raven. Wrestling over the years evolved from the appreciation of larger than life characters who amazed audiences with great feats of athleticism and great promos to jacked up one dimensional caricatures who barely have any connection with the audience. This evolution is partly the changing of wrestling but the other part stems from the need for the wrestlers to be larger than life and having an edge physically has always helped. Let’s hop back in the time machine for a minute and look at someone who was never the most physical of specimens but was and to some extent is still one of the best performers today.

Ric Flair is a great example of a great character and looked to be in decent enough shape. The guy made himself a household name not with a body like the Hulk but with great wrestling and exceptional mic work. Flair connected with fans on varying levels from hitting on the girls , clowning the poor bastard with a cheap suit, acting over the top bat shit crazy. These traits stood out and made him better than his peers. Now I can sit here and discuss the pro’s and cons of steroids and their harmful effects on the body but that’s a story for another day. My theory is and will always be that fans dictate popularity and if the crowd continues to cheer jacked up dudes then who are we as fans to pass judgment on their methods of getting fan appreciation .

ECW & TNA to some extent have always used the throwback method of letting the wrestling do the talking. ROH I feel holds that standard the most and has built a solid rep because of it. Who are we to judge any of these performers physical attributes? We pay to be entertained and should just enjoy the product. Who cares if Matt Hardy gained a few pounds!!! The guy busts his ass entertaining fans . I feel that we should not sit by and make commentary on things we don’t understand. When your ability to put food on the table for your family is dictated by your looks and your ability to entertain you are damn certain that you will do what ever it takes to be the best.

I use the argument often when talk shifts to steroids in baseball that we wanted homeruns since it was the most exciting parts of the game. Next thing you know players needed help hitting them more frequently. Management knew it and did nothing because the got a ton of money and because people became enamored with the “long” ball. Wrestling is pretty much the same way in that we went from cheering for guys like Dean Malenko and Chris Jericho to cheering guys like Batista who while being a scary mofo has about as much technical wrestling skill as Stephen Hawking. The guys who are the biggest in the game are not always the best.

vs.

Do talent or looks for make quality wrestling?

Share your thoughts below.

As Ant mentioned, the developers of Crackdown 2, Ruffian Games had their website go down since the DLC incident started. I woke this morning to find it up and running and was somewhat horrified to see that the homepage is so poorly updated that it is announcing that Crackdown 2 is under development and was shown at 2009’s e3 convention. I decided to not freak out until I had gone through the whole site. I found their forums (only updated section of the site) and I found the following fix (which I personally confirm that it is a working solution):

XBOX Forums wrote:You guys should really try calling the FREE 1–800-4my-xbox line some time.
They would have given you these nice directions and had your DLC working in no time.
Clear cache from drive
Delete DLC
delete profile (profile ONLY, not info)
Recover profile
Re-download DLC.
Toss a couple xbox restarts in there for good measure.
bling blang blam
Done
Keys to the city working now.
Not exactly convenient, but if you are wanting a fix in the next 15 min, this works.
You’re welcome (Copied from forums at www.ruffiangames.com)

NOTE: If you have never recovered your profile before, you need the e-mail address and password you used to create your XBL account.

And there ya go, just like The Bus Boys said in 48 Hrs., the boys are back in town, except these boys pack ordnance that would make Marcus Fenix Cry and they can bench press a tank without breaking a sweat.

It’s a brand new day in Pacific City people, it’s time to take out the trash again. By the way, the new ATV is so sweet; go get that DLC now – it’s safe, it’s cheap and it’s fun on top of an already fun game.

(Ant has also used the fix and will confirm that it works)

Today, my nephew downloaded the Toy Box Mode Free Preview while I was at work. He said it was awesome and he was playing it for a few hours today. I got home from work and bought the full version of the DLC. After the download finished, I launched the game and tried to start a Keys to the City match. Lo and behold, during the loading screen, the entire console freezes. Even loading a normal, Main Game, it freezes during loading. I can’t even get into the game in any way. My good buddy Slick paid and downloaded it and is having the same issue.

The only way to fix it and make the game playable again is to go into your Memory Settings and delete the Toy Box mode under Game Files. Now the Main Game loads up fine, but I don’t have the DLC. What I’m hoping for is an update patch to make the game playable again. What I’m afraid of is that it’s somehow an issue with older Xbox 360’s and that it was for some reason designed only for the new Xbox 360 Slims. That doesn’t make too much sense to me, but it’s a possibility. Another concern that has been brought to my attention by Slick is that the Ruffian Games web site is down, coincidentally.

Just be warned, do NOT pay for and download the DLC pack. Play the free preview version until a patch is released. When one is released, I will update with a notification. Here’s hoping for an announcement of an upcoming patch.

When I first heard about this movie I said to myself “another Bah-ston crime flick” trying to capture the magic of the Departed. But after seeing this trailer I feel this movie has the star power to stand on its own two feet. It feels less like the Departed and more like Heat. Jon Hamm and Ben Affleck have the potential to make this movie bad ass.  Have a look at the trailer and decide for yourselves

Scott Pilgrim is a 6-part graphic novel series that recently concluded with the release of the live action film adaptation and a comic tie-in game. The final volume of the novel series released at the end of July of 2010 while the movie was released in the middle and the game at the end of August (The Playstation 3 version released first in the middle of the month while the Xbox 360 version released towards the end). This is a downloadable game that only costs $10 (or 800 Microsoft Points). This is a great value considering most downloadable games release at $15 (1200MSP) or more. Is it so cheap because it’s only worth some pocket scratch, or is it actually a very good deal worthy of the price? Read on to find out.

The Scott Pilgrim series is filled to the brim with classic gaming references and prides itself in providing a world which abides by many of the rules of games most of us have played before. Even the back covers of some of the graphic novels had fake screenshots of Scott Pilgrim video games. Lots of pixel art versions of characters and locations and such which made the fans think “Man, what if this really was a game? That’d be sweet.” Well, now we have the game and it definitely is sweet. This is a 2D sidescrolling beat em up with a leveling system and coin-dropping enemies that is basically a big homage to River City Ransom. It’s 4 player co-op with a large emphasis on cooperative play. You could play this game with your friends and never help each other, but you will find that the already difficult game (EVEN ON EASY MODE!) will kick all of your asses until you surrender and decide to play as a team. When a friend is down, you can revive him. Low on health? Have a team mate give you some of his health. Want to clear out an area quickly? Use a team taunt special attack. Need some cash to buy an upgrade or some health? Have a friend lend you some. You can also call in an assist to help for a second. One assist dazes any opponents nearby, another attacks individual opponents at random with massive damage, another bickers at the opponents until they run away. Each character has their own special and their own assist, with more assists unlockable throughout the game. There are even some hidden game modes you can unlock using some classic-style cheat codes.

To keep faithful to the comics, the game’s settings are all pixelated copies of settings from the books. The game’s graphic design was taken care of by Paul Robertson, who is best known for Pirate Baby’s Cabana Battle Street Fight and Kings of Power 4 Billion %. Paul Robertson is an amazing pixel art animator, and I still can’t believe Ubisoft could even get the guy to work on this game. Tasked to take the graphic novel, pixelate it, and turn it into an interactive classic gaming homage, he pulled it off perfectly. It feels very much like I’m playing a Super Nintendo or old school arcade game. Having never worked on a game before, it shows that he fits the role of a video game pixel animator very well. It’s like he was made to do this kind of work. He did an amazing job and I hope to see him work on other games soon.

The soundtrack, done by New York’s chiptune rock god Anamanaguchi, sounds like it was pulled straight from the early 90’s. All of the musical pieces in this game are works of chiptune art. It all sounds like it belongs in a classic video game, and this compliments the game’s pixelated art style so well that it creates the perfect homage to classic gaming that the Scott Pilgrim series always tried to be. Full of rock and energy, but completely synthesized and using only sound quality you’d find from music no later than the mid-90’s, I couldn’t ask for a better soundtrack.

Graphically and musically, this game is a treat for anyone who’s ever enjoyed gaming in the 90’s. Just because the graphics and the music may be bright and uplifting, that doesn’t mean the game is going to be a cake walk. Playing this alone on easy mode made me want to throw my control before even reaching the first boss fight! This game is a torturer, and it only gets easier through repetition and playing with friends, as you keep getting money to buy upgrades and keep leveling your character up. The game continues to get more challenging as you go along, so you never feel like you’re too overpowered and the won’t become too easy. The only way it’ll get easier is if you go back to previous stages with a higher level character. The difficulty continuously scales up but doesn’t explode until the final boss fight. Even with friends and a maxed out character, the final boss stretch is designed to be a royal pain worthy of ragequitting. Not only do you have to fight the boss more than once, but you have to go through an entire stage after he’s defeated with no save point anywhere except before you go to fight the boss! That means if you’re unlucky enough to have to use a continue, you have to start from the beginning of the level all over again, before reaching the final boss and the final stretch of the level. This game is a BRUISER and that makes me very happy. Nothing upsets me more than a short game (yes, it is relatively short with only about 13 levels and 6 or 7 boss fights) that is way too easy. Even if it was easy and short, that’s still be worth the $10 I paid for it. My only real complaint is that, in keeping with the classic gaming routine of having friends sit on the couch and play with you, Ubisoft opted to avoid the inclusion of online multiplayer. While i understand the reasoning behind it, I would’ve loved to at least have the option.

Judging by the humor, the music, the graphics, the challenge, and how faithfully it stuck to the source material, I have to say this is well worth more than $10 (but no more than $20) and is a must have for anyone who likes breaking out the old consoles when you have friends over. There’s too much fun to be had here to pass up on it. The only reason I’d allow for anyone to pass it up is the exclusion of online multiplayer.

Before I really get into this review I have to let off some steam. Nothing against this movie at all really but it’s a shame that films like this can do well while really good ones like Scott Pilgrim are on life support, in terms of box office numbers. That is an argument for a different article but I had to put it out there. The other thing is that if you needed any further proof that 3D is absolutely unnecessary and a waste of a gimmick then you really need to see this movie. When the highlight of your 3D effects is a digitally rendered, dismembered penis being torn apart, eaten and burped up to float out at the audience, well…that one pretty much speaks for itself, doesn’t it?

Casting the gimmick of 3-D aside, this film was surprising in several ways. First of all, it takes a slight departure from the current Hollywood trend of just rehashing that which has already been done. While there have been at least two other killer (little) fish movies, it’s hard to count those because the origin story is always different. That is why I say a “slight” departure – the main action of the movie is always the same basically, just in different locales. The 1981 version was directed by James Cameron five years before Aliens and has almost be the exact same story as Aliens. Piranha 3D seems to unofficially be the sequel to these past two movies even though none of them have anything to do with one another. The film still lacks any real originality but this is one time where that was a good thing and it leads into the other surprising aspect. Piranha 3D is another film that gives me that glimmer of hope that Hollywood’s dangly parts have not completely receded back up inside of itself. This movie is pure homage to the old style of horror we loved back in the late ‘70s through the ‘80s. It’s not torture porn or gore for gore’s sake – it has that “class” of greats like Creepshow, Nightmare On Elm Street and Friday The 13th. To put it simply, if not for the nudity, this would be a SyFy Original Movie of the week. Since there is a large amount of nudity, this would be the type of B-movie you catch on Cinemax at 3AM while channel surfing that you just have to watch.

This movie shines because it follows the paint by numbers rules of any “killer animal in the water” movie. I will not spoil by telling how a fish that is indigenous to South America is living in Lake Victoria (really Lake Havasu, AZ), but it was mildly believable. The appearance of the pack of killer fish unfortunately happens right at the start of Spring Break when thousands of tasty morsels, I uh mean thousands of college kids populate the lake. Enter dutiful local police chief, Elisabeth Shue in this case, doing her best to save the day during the obvious feeding frenzy and you have yourself a winner. For some great movie trivia, find out why Richard Dreyfuss’ character is so significant.

For a B-movie, the cast was surprisingly good but don’t expect any Oscar nominations here. IMDB lists Richard Dreyfuss first and like I said he does have a significance in the movie despite being a cameo. Our (ugh) star is Steven R. McQueen, whose most notable role (to date) is Elena Gilbert’s little bitch of a brother Jeremy in the Vampire Diaries. He’s only slightly more manly in this movie and that’s probably because he doesn’t have any dead girlfriend to cry over. He was likeable in this movie for being somewhat selfless and for (one of) the most cold-blooded acts in the movie not performed by a fish. Elisabeth Shue played the perfect caring mom/no-nonsense cop which kind of reminded me of Elizabeth Mitchell’s character in the current “V” TV series. Christopher Lloyd plays Mr. Goodman (love how he has no first name), who for no reason whatsoever has innate knowledge of the prehistoric piranha that infest the lake (I told you this story was classic). And then we have good ol’ Ving Rhames, aka Deputy Fallon, who is the wisecracking, tough as nails sidekick To Chief Forrester (Shue). He takes a page right out of Alien 3, pulling a Charles S. Dutton style death scene. The cast is rounded out (no pun intended) by Kelly Brook, Riley Steele and Jessica Szohr, who are there to basically be pretty, be busty and in some cases be fish food. Ladies and gentlemen, this stuff writes itself, I kid you not.

(The following is a very spoiler heavy section and I caution readers who have not yet seen that reading this may or may not ruin the experience for you depending upon how you feel about horror movies – also, if you are used to a level of professionalism from me on the site I warn you that it goes out the window for this section only and it will be apparent why if you choose to read on)

This is basically what I want to call the “Why This Movie Is A Must-See” section. Piranha 3D is not worth the price of 3D admission but hey, I paid $6 to see it with glasses on Matinee Tuesday so I don’t care. Do go to see this with a bunch of like-minded friends and prepare yourself to be treated to things like titties underwater in 3D while opera music plays. Pornstars Gianna Michaels and Riley Steele give some of their best performances to date – Michaels in her parasails to her death and Steele is eaten out…but this time from the inside. The piranha somehow manage to leave her implants intact as you get to see them floating when there is nothing left of her. The film also gave new meaning to the term “eating ass” which you may have seen in the theatrical trailer. You will revel in the Mortal Kombat style “BOATALITIES,” one where a guy gets his head taken off between two boats and the other where some panic stricken douche tries to escape by motor boating through the crowded lake, actually killing more people than the fish. his engine stalls as the rotor gets caught in a girl’s hair. He sees her struggling but chooses to restart the motor which pulls her hair and face off. And let’s not forget the excellent fatality where an amp cable snaps, flies across the lake and tears a girl’s chest in half, giving that wonderful slide off effect. Piranha are cock-munching little bastards, and that is all I have to say about that. Ving Rhames realizes that only an effing moron uses a shotgun to try to kill something that is underwater so he rips off an outboard motor and starts making some Lake Victoria style Paella minus the rice. In the world of Piranha 3D you must stay on dry land if you have big titties, especially if they are fake – these seem to attract the fish even more than blood. No flat-chested women were hurt during the filming of this movie. I end this section with a lesson in stupidity. If you are in the water, surrounded by murderous fish, please remember to make out with the girl you like instead of actually making your way to safety.

I am happy to say that this was a fun movie. It reminded me of earlier films when horror movies did not have to be about shock value or intense levels of gore. A time where someone getting eaten alive could be construed as funny because their dumbass did have prior warning. Piranha 3D makes fun of itself and of every “serious” horror movie out there now just by saying “look how well I am doing.” It only made it to sixth place in the box office top ten during its opening weekend but for a B-movie, that is saying something. The movie had a budget of $24 million which could only have been spent on the fish and making the movie 3D. It opened this past Friday and made $10.1M during the opening weekend (according to IMDB.com). A sequel has already been greenlit and shockingly, based upon the plot and the ending, a sequel actually makes sense. Bottom line is that there are some really good movies out this summer, but if you have seen them all then it is time to dumb it down a bit and go see this flick. What else are you gonna watch, “Vampires Suck?”

CHA-CHA-CHA!

UFC makes its debut in Boston with a stacked card. Check out the countdown to UFC 118 along with my picks for the televised portion of the card.

Fight Picks-Image Credit:UFC.com

What are your picks?

Can it be? A horror movie that is rated-R and seems interesting. We might have a winner a folks with the exception of the damn 3-D

Credit:Traileraddict

I am not one to watch flicks with Renee Zellweger simply because I think she sucks. In my opinion her best role was in Jerry McGuire, but it seems that she is shedding the rom-com image and trying out new projects. I was pleasantly surprised at how the plot unfolded in this trailer and it actually succeeded in gaining my attention. Now as long as we get no Hugh Grant cameos we should be all good.