Voila!

And here’s the back cover copy:

For the first time ever, the Weston sisters are at the same boarding school. After an administration scandal at Libby’s all-girls school threatens her chances at a top university, she decides to join Charlotte at posh and picturesque Sussex Park. Social-climbing Charlotte considers it her sisterly duty to bring Libby into her circle: Britain’s young elites, glamorous teens who vacation in Hong Kong and the South of France and are just as comfortable at a polo match as they are at a party.

It’s a social circle that just so happens to include handsome 17-year-old Prince Edward, heir to Britain’s throne.

Charlotte’s had her eye on Edward, and soon they’re snogging all over the campus lawn and common rooms—while Libby busies herself with settling into her studies and navigating the complicated social code of Sussex Park. Eager to put her sister at ease, Charlotte encourages Libby to hang out with her new boyfriend. And much to everyone’s surprise, Libby and Edward hit it off.

Actually, they really hit it off.

In this juicy, contemporary girl-meets-prince story, two sisters find themselves at odds over the same boy amid high-society expectations and paparazzi scandals. In the end, there may be a price to pay for romancing the throne . . . and more than one path to happily ever after.

Romancing the Throne is available NOW for pre-order, which means you can buy it now and it will be delivered to you on its book birthday: May 30th!

By the way, I’ve finally gotten my ish together and made an “official” mailing list, so subscribe below if you want to stay up to date with news on Romancing the Throne!…Bunny!…life!…etc.

Bunny photo from yesterday for gratuitous cuteness:

The post Romancing the Throne is available for pre-order! appeared first on Nadine Jolie Courtney.

She’s only 22 months, and hasn’t exactly been advanced when it comes to major milestones like rolling over, walking, and talking, so I wasn’t prepared for this. At all. The only thing she did do early was sleep through the night, and that’s because I used a parent-led approach at 8 weeks (which totally worked miracles in only 3 days and saved my sanity, by the way).

Because I am a neurotic person, I need to do copious amounts of research before I feel comfortable committing to a plan. With sleep training, I had months (including during my pregnancy) to leisurely read books and study methods before finding one (Moms On Call) that made sense to me and which easily worked for us.

With potty training, there’s none of that. Little Girl forced my hand.

So, I spent a few minutes yesterday frantically Googling, kept following her naked butt around the house with the potty (weirdly, to some success!), and then handed off duties to Erik when he got home and raced to the library to pick up a potty training book.

We’re using the Oh Crap! Potty Training method, which basically involved moving through the steps from Clueless to I Peed to I’m Peeing to I Have to Go Pee. It’s been moderately successful so far, but I’m expecting many, many setbacks and accidents.

Wish us luck!

The post We are potty training. Pray for us. appeared first on Nadine Jolie Courtney.

I’m not a beauty blogger any longer. Chronicling my life with Aurelia seems trite (not to mention lazy). And as for my various musings on everything, over the past few years, I’ve come to feel like…um, who cares? (Plus: Instagram. I’m basically mini-blogging my life there at the moment, with a little cleanup on Snapchat: I’m nadinecourtney there.)

It feels like, recently (and by recently, I mean since 2013!), the only thing I’ve written about is how there’s not really anything interesting to write about anymore!

As with any muscle, if you don’t exercise it, it grows flabby, and my blogging muscles have become very flabby. (I know there’s a better, more eloquent way to express that, but I’m on deadline, and Aurelia is watching Under the Sea on the iPad on repeat while I write this, and I haven’t showered yet even though it’s 11:25 am, so that’ll have to do.)

I’m going to TRY to get back on the blogging wagon. I’m horrible at following through on my sincere blogging promises–by now, you guys know this about me. I have the best of intentions, and then life gets in the way. But I find that making a public declaration is sometimes the best way to hold yourself accountable, so here goes. Let’s give it a shot one more time.

In the meantime, I’ve been writing up a storm OFF the blog. I’ve submitted ROMANCING THE THRONE, which comes out next summer (keep you all posted on that as I have more news, but in the meantime, click here to mark it as a Want to Read on Goodreads!), am waiting for feedback from my editor on a new project I wrote (fingers crossed), and have been freelancing like nobody’s business.

Exhibits A, B, C, and D, here:

How to Travel Around the World With a Baby (Vogue) (Um, let’s repeat that: VOGUE!!!!)

Secret Societies of the Ivy League (Town & Country)

The World’s Most Extravagant Hotel Experiences (Harper’s Bazaar)

These 19 Institutions Are the Ivy-League of Summer Camps (Town & Country)

Where to Find Young Royals in London (Harper’s Bazaar)

See? I AM writing! Just…er, not here. But I’m going to try and change that: starting right NOW.

The post It’s been a while appeared first on Nadine Jolie Courtney.

It is absolutely INSANE to look back and think about how much has changed in three short years. We got engaged, got married, filmed thirteen months of a reality show, traveled to Japan + England + France + Italy + Greece + Turkey + Hong Kong + Australia + New Zealand, got pregnant, and had a baby. (Edit: had the cutest, chubbiest, yummiest baby in the world.)

I’m sure I’m forgetting a thing or twenty in there (created an app! wrote a book!), but those feel like some pretty good condensed highlights, don’t you think?

This is a photo of me taken the night before I met Erik. I had no idea what was in store…

If you feel like you’re on the wrong path, feel like you’ll never find the right relationship, or simply feel like you’re stuck, just remember:

Your life can literally change overnight.

The post Feeling Stuck? Your Life Can Change Overnight appeared first on Nadine Jolie Courtney.

Aurelia is walking and talking and I have zero idea where the past fifteen months have gone. She knows baby sign language, including “more” and “all done.” She loves to read, sleeps like she’s getting paid for it, and if you ask her “Que dit le chien?” she’ll bark, and then moo in response to “Que dit la vache?”

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that my daughter is perfect, a genius, and the most wonderful mini-person on the planet. Obviously.

When your first is so easy, it can be tempting to throw caution to the wind and roll the dice again. Several of my mom friends are already pregnant with their second, and if Erik and I don’t get this show on the road (and fast!), I worry that the mom support system I’ve spent a year building might move on without me.

Becoming a first-time mom taught me how valuable it is to have people around you who are going through the same things at the same time. When all my mom friends are suddenly dealing with “two under two” and the endless new challenges that brings, I worry that we’re going to feel as disconnected from each other as I feel now from many of my child-free friends and acquaintances.

It turns out, the great divider is not whether your friends are married, it’s whether or not they have children. When one of my friends is pissed at me for not reaching out more enthusiastically to plan a drinks date, what she doesn’t get is that I’ll need a babysitter (and a shot of espresso.) And that going out means the loss of precious, already non-existent quiet time.

It’s the same reason I duck every time I see a work contact who is aggressively trying to schedule an after-hours phone call or a coffee to talk about a project that I have minimal time and (to be honest) interest for. I worry about not being social, but Erik consoles me with our twin mantras of “They don’t get it…and they never will.” or “They don’t get it…but they will someday!” ::cue evil cackle::

Quite frankly, being a parent involves a lot of worrying. One thing that I don’t worry about is the decision we made to preserve Aurelia’s newborn stem cells. Erik and I both agreed to do that before she was born. We wanted to give her the best opportunity to overcome some of the medical situations she might have to face throughout her life. Situations even like the one that took my mother (lymphoma). Stem cells have an important place in medicine. The stem cells in her cord blood can restore the blood and immune cells —kind of like a “refresh” button. And when I found out that Aurelia’s newborn stem cells may open the door to future potential stem cell treatments for her siblings? Well if (or when) we do decide to jump in the deep end with baby number two, I can feel good that I preserved what may help their future health.

And even if Aurelia wanted to give some of her newborn stem cells to her brother or sister in the future, there’s up to a 75% chance that her newborn stem cells could at least be a partial match for the second child (we might have). Siblings or parents may have access to newborn stem cells for use in the treatment of certain cancers, blood disorders, immune disorders, and metabolic disorders.

There are a lot of companies you can choose from. I ended up choosing CBR because I felt they really cared about how my child could benefit from preserving her newborn stem cells. They have genetic counselors I can talk to when I have a question about our family health and how it might relate to potential stem cell treatments. CBR is helping to discover new potential ways to use newborn stem cells. They help families with a qualifying medical need have access to their newborn stem cells. And I like being included with a bunch of other CBR moms who want to know when and how my child may personally benefit from her newborn stem cells.

(For more on our decision to preserve Aurelia’s stem cells, read here. And if you’re interested in preserving your newborn’s stem cells, check out the option we used here.)

I’m happy to report that I did manage to have drinks with one of those childless friends a couple months back. But there I was, confessing that I feel anxiety after having Aurelia. Everything was just so damn wonderful, I said. I was finally happy beyond my wildest dreams. So happy that I worried something would come to take it all away. Sure, work wasn’t perfect. And yeah, this or that silly thing was wrong. But on the whole, to experience so much happiness in my personal life and for such a long, extended period of time felt weird. In short: I worried…about being happy!

You know what my friend said? “If you’re feeling anxiety, you can take medication for that.”

Of course, that wasn’t the answer I was looking for. Spilling my emotions like that is part of how I work. Being a neurotic, writerly type, I analyze a situation from top to bottom. I mull it over, take it apart, try to understand it from the inside out, and then finally let go, satisfied that I’m mentally prepared for the various outcomes.

So here’s where I am now. I don’t know whether we’ll have a second child, whether we even can have a second child, and when we’ll have a second child if that’s what we do decide. Right now, I honestly don’t care and I can put off that anxiety for another day. Because, for the time being, we have THIS child…and she’s happy, and she’s healthy, and I’ve done what I can to help protect her future health. Truth is, Aurelia is the light of our lives and she is, simply, perfect.

Disclosure: While all opinions here are my own, Cord Blood Registry provided me with my first year of banking for free in exchange for a post and social media support. I reached out to them and made arrangements with them last year, well in advance of my decision to stop writing any new Sponsored Posts.

The post Baby Number Two? appeared first on Nadine Jolie Courtney.

I spent so many years trying to build up my following and checking in daily, and then the one-two-three punch of the show, having a baby, and getting fired by my blog agent really tripped me up. It was a good thing, and I feel like a happier, healthier, more whole person…but I don’t know how to blog anymore. Or, I should say, I don’t know how to blog with a baby the way I want to blog. The way I used to.

Time was, I could sit down, write a post, tinker with it until I felt happy with the language, edit the thesis, choose some nice photos to upload, play with the size of the photos, finally publish it, share it on social, and then maybe even write ANOTHER post…but those days are (for now) long gone.

I’m ghostwriting a book and should be working on that now, because Aurelia just went down for a nap and the clock is ticking until she wakes back up, and when her naptime is over–that’s it. Fin. My writing time is done for the day. (I could blog at night, of course, except now that time is carved out for my next book project, so, alas, no.) I wrote this post, gave it a read-through, shook my head at the lack of focus, the okay-but-not-life-changing language, had about two minutes of issues with the photos and then said F-it, these photos are JUST FINE AND WILL HAVE TO DO, because I am eating up what free time remains of my precious working hour.

Free time? With a baby? That’s hilarious.

The frustrating thing is that I know I’m pissing off people left and right: friends who feel neglected or who are irritated that plans have been broken because of illness or (lack of) childcare, work colleagues who don’t get why I can’t drop everything for a phone call or reply to that email instantly, and, probably, a few blog readers who used to enjoy reading me and then eventually abandoned me when I stopped posting.

My saving grace? My husband and my daughter get my full attention…(as do my book editor and my writing projects!), and that leaves me feeling whole and content. Everything else, as stressful as it might be if I give it power, is just noise, you know?

2) I’ve been talking to friends a lot recently about How to Write a Book: it seems like so many people feel they have that book inside them, but are nervous about taking the leap or don’t think they can write so many pages.

I totally understand that fear, but I’m here to tell you, you can.

My friend Jordan Reid of Ramshackle Glam just landed her third book deal (congrats, Jordan!), and while clicking through her site reading about the announcement, I came across this older post she wrote with tips on how to write a book proposal. If you’re interested in the publishing process, it’s a great read.

3) Erik, Bunny, and I got a Disneyland annual pass and went the day before yesterday. It was amazing, it was magical, we had the best time ever…until Erik got progressively sicker and sicker and ended up in Urgent Care at 1 am. All’s well now, but it was both scary and (dare I say it?) inconvenient. I wasn’t going to let him go to Urgent Care by himself in the middle of the night, so we had to line up a last-minute overnight sitter for Aurelia (still not sure how we pulled off that one, but thank you LA Sitter!) and it was just generally a shit-show all around.

The three of us have pretty much been sick 24/7 for the past three months, thanks to cold and flu season, and every time I think we’ve got this “living well with a child” thing down pat, another wave of influenza, or norovirus, or World’s Worst Cold, or World’s Worst Cold part 4 comes along to knock us on our asses. (UPDATE: four hours after I posted this, Aurelia started vomiting so…you win, universe!)

I think the general theme (of today’s post…of life in general…) is: hey, we’re doing the best we can!

The post A Few Thoughts appeared first on Nadine Jolie Courtney.

It’s been a thousand years since I posted, I know. Mostly, it’s because I’m DEEP in baby-land, but it’s also because I was working on edits to Wisteria (crap, erm, I mean, Romancing the Throne), ghostwriting a skincare book, writing my first article for Town & Country magazine (!), carving out family time, and generally trying to keep the ship afloat.

Surprisingly, it’s been working. Life is hectic, life is messy, but life is good.

I’d like to start updating again more frequently, but I think bite-sized posts/letters here and there is the most I can promise. I’d write more now, but Aurelia is literally at this very moment pulling on my pant-leg, like “Come ON, Mom, let’s get this show on the road.” We have a park to get to, and 15 month olds generally aren’t know for their reasoning skills.

Like I said…hectic, but good.

Miss writing to you all, but more to come soon!

xo, Nadine

The post Romancing the Throne: publishing summer 2017! appeared first on Nadine Jolie Courtney.

When I think about her death, it’s still hard to wrap my head around it, especially now that I’m a mother. My mom was one of those people who took her health seriously: eating organically, exercising every day (50 laps each morning!), and taking pride in her well-being. Every cancer diagnosis is shocking—but my mom’s commitment to health made hers especially confusing.

She was diagnosed with lymphoma in February 2008, when she was 54 years old. Her condition swiftly deteriorated: she died that December, soon after her 55th birthday. I was 28 years old at the time, and I remember it like yesterday—but I’m 35 now. So much life has happened since. I met the love of my life. I became a mother. I appeared on national TV. I published two books. I spent a decade as one of the first, most visible beauty bloggers. I traveled the world.

And yet, with the exception of Aurelia’s birth, my mother’s death remains the defining experience of my life. Everything changed for me after she died. Then Aurelia came, and everything changed again.

Last year, in those heady pregnancy days when I was keeping everything on the DL (Secret baby! Secret show!), the idea of savings the stem cells from the umbilical cord for potential future medical use for our family came up. Our doctor mentioned it, we’d seen a few pamphlets floating around, and I read a few things about it online, but it didn’t make much of a mental dent. We were much more concerned with my expanding waistline and trying to take as many trips as possible (not to mention getting as much sleep as possible!) before the reality of becoming parents sunk in.

As soon as we hit the third trimester, however, everything became much more real. That’s when we started scrambling to get the nursery ready, choosing preschools we’d like to get on waiting lists for, and, yes, planning to cord blood bank as one way to help prepare for Aurelia’s future health. Once I started researching cord blood banking, I realized this was just the kind of thing that I wanted for Aurelia because of my mother’s history with lymphoma. I learned that cord blood stem cells can be used in the treatment of more than 80 diseases, with blood diseases and lymphoma right at the top of the list.

It works by extracting blood, after delivery, from the umbilical cord that contains stem cells. These stem cells can become the cells of the blood and immune system and can be used in the treatment of various types of leukemia, including juvenile myelomonocytic leukemia, bone marrow conditions, blood disorders like sickle cell anemia and thalassemia, metabolic disorders like Tay Sachs disease, and, of course, several different types of lymphoma, through a procedure called a stem cell transplant.

My mother was such a health nut that it’s frustrating that she still succumbed to a terrible disease. I ponder what we could have had access to as a treatment option if she had cord blood stored. Of course, the technology didn’t exist back when she was born. But now the technology is available, and it’s easy and relatively-affordable (at $1,650 for the initial banking and $150 per year thereafter – with payment plans available through the company I chose, Cord Blood Registry).

I had a discussion about cord blood banking last year with one of my friends who was also pregnant. I told her we were doing it, and she worried about the cost, wondering if it was really worth it. I get it: $1650 is nothing to sneeze at, particularly if you’re saving and scrimping and drowning in bills. But, having the potential to treat certain conditions makes me feel like you’re regaining at least a little bit of control—like you’re slightly gaming the system.

Why wouldn’t you choose to bank for the health of your family?

Needless to say, I made the choice and the actual process was a breeze. Cord Blood Registry®, CBR®, sent a box to our home a few months before my due date, we filled out the paperwork and registered online, and then we placed the box in my hospital bag. Once at the hospital in labor, we gave the box to the nurses at check-in and didn’t have to worry about it again. My doctor performed the banking right after Aurelia was born by taking a small vial of blood from the umbilical cord, and then we called an 800 number on the box to arrange for a Medical Courier to pick up the box from the hospital in a crush-resistant, temperature protected kit. Done. You can even get status updates via text as the blood is transported back to the center.

To learn more about cord blood banking for your family, click here.

I know we’re not going to be able to protect Aurelia from pain, sadness, and sickness—unfortunately, they’re all part of life. But the knowledge that we made an easy choice to potentially help her fight at least a few of life’s terrible, unexpected medical surprises helped us sleep much better during those harrowing, anxious first few nights. (When we were sleeping at all, of course!)

Disclosure: While all opinions here are my own, Cord Blood Registry provided me with my first year of banking for free in exchange for a post and social media support. I reached out to them and made arrangements with them last year, well in advance of my decision to stop writing any new Sponsored Posts.

The post The Health Decision We Made For My Daughter (Because Of My Mother) appeared first on Nadine Jolie Courtney.

Now that I’m temporarily done with the book–at least, until my editor gets back with changes–I’m slowly wading through the backlog of posts, freelance articles, emails, and pitches that I’ve been neglecting for the past eight months. Babies are kind of a drain on your time. Who knew?

Since Aurelia arrived, we’ve basically been a one-income family. And as much as I want to get back to blogging 24/7, neither time nor finances nor Bunny will permit. (Strangely, Aurelia isn’t content to sit quietly in the same spot for hours on end while Mommy works. Go figure.)

Back when I was doing that sort of thing, however, the good folks at super-hotspot Esterel restaurant in the Sofitel Hotel kindly hosted my baby shower. So, even though I won’t be doing new sponsored posts, I should have included a few qualifying “except for taking care of old business” asterisks.

Time was, I’d probably slide that info waaaay at the bottom of my post, but I’d like to think you and I have moved past that. Total transparency and full disclosure for the win!

Sooo, now that we have that out of the way…

Baby Shower Photos!

I was 7 months pregnant last August when two of my best friends, Jamie Stone and Jamie C.P., co-hosted the shower at Esterel. My one request: no silly baby shower games. (I don’t know what baby shower games I was so afraid of, but apparently they struck fear into my heart.) Jamie and Jamie cooperated, and as a result, the shower was a lovely, low-key affair with a lot of heart.

We were still keeping my pregnancy secret for the show, so a lot of the Fit For Public Consumption photos that my friends posted on Facebook and Instagram were billed as pictures celebrating my birthday. We filmed the shower for the show, too (where we made the big baby name announcement) which is why Erik was there.

(Spoiler alert: we named the baby Aurelia.)

Two of my best friends were also simultaneously pregnant, which is kind of awesome because we now have babies only a couple of months apart.

Eagle-eyed viewers will remember them as two of the friends I had coffee with right before I got pregnant. Now, we all have babies!

Esterel gave us the entire private back room (there’s also a gorgeous new outdoor garden), where we had a special menu that included yummy open-faced tartine sandwiches and mouthwatering tomato soup.There were also bottomless Mimosas, and I hear they were delicious (grumble, grumble). I did get to partake in the cupcakes with cute little fondant faces, and two of my personal addictions: popcorn and Sour Patch Kids.

And, yes, that is a photo of Prince William and Kate Middleton with my face superimposed on Kate’s. Not creepy at all. Thank you for noticing.

My friends wrote down their wishes for Aurelia and also crafted custom onesies for her using stencils and markers: she wore those onesies into the ground. (But sadly, like the Wishes, they are now relegated to her Aurelia Memories box, because my little baby is growing so fast, she will be in college next week. :sob:)

It was such a fun day, and like most aspects of my pregnancy and life last year, it flew by so quickly.

Going back through all the photos was a little surreal, for many obvious reasons.

I can’t believe how fast the time has gone.

I can’t believe that Aurelia barely uses or fits into half those clothes anymore.

I can’t believe that we had a camera crew filming the whole damn thing.

After the shower, we went next door to Riviera 31 at the Sofitel and filmed a scene that never made it on air. So much of what we filmed ended up on the chopping room floor.

I watched several of Aurelia’s old baby videos today while going through photos, and I feel ALL the baby cliches. She is the light of my life. She changed my conception of love. She is the best thing that ever happened to us. She makes me love Erik even more, which I didn’t think was possible.

She is my heart.

Thanks to Esterel for a great venue, and to Jamie Stone and Jamie C.P. for throwing a wonderful baby shower! (Psst: read Jamie’s post about it on Honestly Jamie, here. It genuinely made me tear up.)

The post Baby Shower Photos appeared first on Nadine Jolie Courtney.

It feels like a lifetime ago–for a variety of reasons.

In the ten years since I started beauty blogging, it went from being a part-time joke to a full-time job, the magazine industry all but collapsed (RIP Lucky, and too many others to count), and pretty people posting pretty photos on Instagram started making money. A lot of money.

Many of you who read the blog now have been following me since then. When you reach out, you often tell me that you’ve enjoyed reading my blog because it’s mirrored changes in your own life: fun in your 20s, career shifts, love struggles, family sorrows, (reluctantly) maturing in your 30s. I LOVE hearing these stories. It reminds me that we’re all connected.

It’s not just the industry that’s changed, obviously. Time was, I’d have an hour or three to sit here at the computer, ruminating over the last decade, choosing my words carefully, writing yet another post on What It’s All About. Last year, when I realized the Ten Year milestone was looming, I wondered what I’d write–how I’d commemorate it. Before I downshifted the blog, I even considered having a 10th Anniversary Party, because why not? Me! Let’s celebrate meeeee!

But now I have a baby, and Me often takes backseat to She. She’s waking up in fewer than 45 minutes if I’m lucky (and in the next 45 seconds if I’m not), and my hair is still wet from the shower I squeezed in while Erik put her down for her morning nap. I still need to eat breakfast even though I’ve been awake for hours and it’s lunchtime in a hot minute. And I’m freelance writing now, because I’ve pulled in fewer than three thousand dollars this year (oh, the glamorous life of a writer!), and I’m finally done with the book (submitted last week!), and as a result I actually have a little bit of extra time to pitch and write and invoice and contribute to the household coffers–so mama needs to get to work.

Those long, luxurious afternoons meticulously crafting witty, thoughtful posts? Gone. SO gone. Maybe temporarily, and maybe forever.

But it’s all good: that’s the nature of life. It changes and it evolves, and you change and evolve with it. Sometimes happily, and sometimes kicking and screaming.

Sometimes you evolve completely by accident, like when you’re a beauty editor at a magazine, and you start a blog for fun, and several months later, you’re at the center of a national firestorm for 1) pulling back the curtain on your industry and 2) being an overly ambitious 24-year-old jackass who really didn’t know any better. You’re forced to start beauty blogging full-time, even though it isn’t a career yet, because what the hell ELSE are you going to do?

And then you blink, and ten years have gone by. Your mother died. You met the love of your life. You got over your fears of pregnancy and you survived childbirth and you had the world’s chubbiest, most gorgeous baby. You sort of failed at this whole blogging thing, but you managed to get three book deals, and you traveled the world while you were doing it.

Almost nothing happened the way you thought it would, and chances are–if you make it that far, because you’re a fatalist and you’re always just one headache away from a brain tumor–you’ll look back in another ten years and be horrified and delighted and gutted and amazed. There will be sorrows too painful to contemplate. But, if you’re lucky, there will be joys, too.

So much joy.

Thanks for sticking with me for ten years. Here’s to ten more. I love you!

xoxo,

Nadine

(Special thanks to Amy Gibson-Grant for that original cartoon drawing, and all the Jolie cartoon versions that followed over the years!)

The post Jolie in NYC: Ten Years Later appeared first on Nadine Jolie Courtney.

I’ve been underground for the past month, both parenting Aurelia and working on my next book Wisteria. The first draft is due July 15. These past few days, especially, finishing the book has consumed my waking hours.

This morning, I woke to the news that one of my colleagues–the agent I conceptualized the book with, and traded emails with almost daily for two months last year–had died. Erik and I had dinner with him and his wife in October, days before Aurelia was born. He was diagnosed with cancer back in November. He died in May.

It all happened so fast, as these things often do. My own mother was diagnosed with cancer in February 2008 and died in December of that year. It was fast enough to make your head spin.

Now that I have Aurelia, death–and more importantly, life–has taken on a different meaning for me.

Things that used to matter to me simply don’t. I used to be crazy ambitious–Lady Macbeth ambitious! But now I just want to live a meaningful life with my daughter at the center of it.

When you stop worrying about the impact of what you do, you can be a fuller version of who you are.

I came across this article in the Harvard Business Review a few days ago, which a popular blogger linked to while explaining why she was throwing in the towel. The HBR article resonated powerfully. It helped articulate what I’ve been feeling about blogging and social media and the self-branding “Notice Me! Confirm That I Matter!” game so many of us play nowadays. This line, in particular, struck a chord with me: “When you stop worrying about the impact of what you do, you can be a fuller version of who you are.”

It circles back to the realizations I had after my mother died: it doesn’t matter if you’re Oprah or the Pope or Bill Gates or Joe Shmoe. You can’t take it with you. Death is the great equalizer. Some things matter profoundly. But most of it doesn’t. And no amount of money, success, power, or fame will slow your personal clock on the ol’ day of reckoning.

When your time comes, let’s hope you’ve spent your days well.

Ever since Aurelia was born, I keep asking myself: how do I want to spend it? The answer is usually not behind a computer screen or on my phone. I want to be with her, soaking up every minute.

I know right now is the time I’m supposed to be Leaning In. But I think back to after my first two books were published, when I achieved a lifelong goal at a very young age, and the weird sort of malaise that set in afterwards. (So you achieve your huge goal. What next?) I think of my mother on her deathbed, and I remember what was viscerally clear, what really mattered…what, for me, seems to be the only thing that matters: relationships.

Study after study shows that–once your basic needs are met–it’s not money, power, or status that keeps you young and happy but personal connections. Wine and laughter with friends. A good book. Meditation. Enough sleep. Exercise. Helping others. Championing a cause. Joining a community. Listening. Loving.

These things can add up to a life of meaning.

None of this is a guarantee of happiness. And it’s certainly not a guarantee of immortality. But for me, I’ve always found a little bit of comfort in death. Spoiler alert: it will happen! So doesn’t that take the pressure off, just a little bit? You can fail. You can mess up. Aim for the moon in whatever you pursue, certainly–but it’s the work that’s the reward, not the benefits you may or may not reap.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking your life will be “better” once you reach a certain level or check things off a list. Humans aren’t hardwired like that. We achieve one goal and we rejoice…but then we quickly realize it’s not as sweet as we’d hoped and that we want more (and that it doesn’t make you taller, thinner, prettier, change the fact that you were bullied in middle school, erase that feud with your sister, or make your partner want to come home from the office earlier).

I guess what I’m fumbling around to say is: there’s a lot of noise out there. It’s bright and shiny and it’s seductive, but in the end, that’s all it is: noise.

You don’t know how long you have, and you don’t know how long those around you have, either. Call somebody that’s important to you, and tell them you love them. Show them you love them. Be somebody worthy of love. And then do it all over, and over, and over again, everyday.

Don’t make the mistake of taking life for granted.

The post Meeting Your Maker appeared first on Nadine Jolie Courtney.

The reason? My social media numbers weren’t high enough.

Back in 2010, the idea that bloggers might need agents seemed preposterous, but the industry was changing at lightning speed: bloggers suddenly had influence, brands were desperate to harness it, middlemen were (apparently) needed to intervene.

Suddenly, brand partnerships and sponsored posts were everywhere. The money was excellent (I’ll be doing a post on this), but looking back on it, it feels like I went from being a full-time blogger to a full-time shiller. The landscape changed, and you had to fight much harder to find quality content. It was (and is) there—but there was (and is) a lot of noise, too. (Read this Harper’s Bazaar piece about Instagram sponsored posts and tell me you don’t want to bang your head against a wall.)

I’ve been uncomfortable with the sponsored post game for years now. It took the joy out of blogging and distracted me from the reason I was doing it in the first place: to connect. To share. To create a space that was different from what you could find in magazines. I got into blogging because I loved beauty, but when I’d sit down at my computer to write, I felt depressed. The PR packages would pile up. The products would go untested. It felt stale and I needed more.

Even before the show finished, I resolved that I needed to make a serious change. I loved the money that came along with a sponsored post, but hated the feeling that I was selling my soul, one product launch-review at a time. I knew that friends and bloggers I admired were able to maintain that tenuous balance, but for some reason, I just couldn’t.

The initial motivation for doing the show was a hope that it would catapult my good-in-the-real-world but lackluster-for-a-blogger social media numbers. My finances had all but dried up, Erik was completely supporting me, and I hadn’t yet sold Wisteria. I needed a Hail Mary, and badly.

I spent the better part of a year fretting about my Instagram photos: a wine glass stem here, an artfully arranged flower bouquet there, all designed to perfectly highlight that just-launched beauty product without making readers (oops, sorry, slip of the tongue there: followers) feel like they were being marketed to.

I used to say I loved beauty because you can be beautiful for free. It’s not necessarily about consumption. You don’t have to buy anything to look or feel beautiful if you’re armed with the right knowledge and attitude. But that wasn’t what it was starting to feel like.

I moved further and further down the rabbit hole of seeking sponsored posts, trying to please my agents, trying not to anger brands, and muzzling what I really thought about various launches (sometimes impressed, but often wildly underwhelmed)…because if I pissed everybody off, my income stream would vanish.

I know that we live in a world where you wouldn’t have I Love Lucy without Philip Morris: somebody has to pay the bills, and if you’re doing this as a job, that comes with certain grown-up, realistic, way-of-the-world trade-offs.

But it gnawed at me. You read those posts: I wrote about my discontent over and over and over.

When I finally relaunched this site, I decided to remove the ads. If I’d still been making thousands of dollars a month, that would have been a much harder call: I’ll be the first one to admit that. But I wasn’t making thousands of dollars a month anymore: I was making less and less money blogging, had those damn stagnant social media numbers, and stopped going to beauty events and having energy to play the game altogether while I instead focused on my personal life. I started making noises on Facebook about the evils of sponsored posts, and the need to connect with readers instead of please brands. I let it be known, loudly, that things needed to change.

And then last week: the nail in the coffin. Fired. A chapter closed.

I wasn’t surprised when my agent let me go. It was a pleasant, amicable conversation about the state of the industry, the requirements for high social media numbers, and brands’ need for ROI—and I get it. If I were on the brand side, with bosses and spreadsheets to answer to, I’d probably make the same call.

It’s a business, this beauty industry, and how could I begrudge anybody else their bottom line when I have mine, too?

Although I initially felt fine after the chopping block phone call, later that night, malaise set in. How on earth was I going to make money moving forward? Were Erik and I doomed to be a one-income family—right when expenses were higher than ever because of Aurelia? Could I even get a real job? Should I take a position in marketing? Work as a travel agent? Get a job at Starbucks?

When I first moved to LA, after I’d sold two books to HarperCollins and was taking meetings at CAA—looking for all the world like a mid-20s success story—I simultaneously worked at a juice bar and as a receptionist, walking four miles a day through West Hollywood because I didn’t have a car. At my core, I’m a hustler, and I’ll do whatever necessary—pride and ego be damned—to keep moving on up. It was scary and wildly surreal to feel like my back was to the wall right when everything else was going so well, but that’s life, isn’t it? Onward.

Then Erik made a good point. While it was a blow to my ego, it was a wonderful opportunity to refocus and unleash my creativity. It meant I was no longer shackled to brands. I didn’t have to muzzle myself for fear of pissing anybody off. I could get back to the honesty that started me on the blogging journey more than 10 years ago.

I could stop worrying about curated Instagram beauty photos and instead post AS MANY DAMN PHOTOS OF MY DAUGHTER AS I WANT (which is exactly what I’ve been doing for the past week). I’m sure I’m losing some followers after I’ve posted the fifth photo in a row of my chubby baby—like no human being in the history of the world has ever procreated—but that’s okay. It makes me happy: and it doesn’t have to be about the numbers anymore.

My blogger friend Felicia Sullivan—whose own site Love Life Eat is a brand-free space—shared an excellent blog post today: Why I Abandoned My Popular Social Media Presence. (I urge you to read it.) It’s all about quieting the noise, something that I know resonates among many friends and fellow bloggers, regardless of how much some of them are joyfully, deservedly killing it online. And beyond that: it’s about the idea that sometimes the numbers don’t mean a damn thing.

So here we are.

I’ve pressed the reset button. It’s the natural evolution of what I’ve been writing and thinking about for the past couple of years, and which has recently reached a boiling point.

For obvious reasons, I don’t have as much time for blogging as I used to. I live my life in Aurelia’s naps, and am still hurrying to finish my Wisteria draft before the due date. But if you click on my Q&A section and send me your beauty questions, I’ll get back to you at some point, post it here, and flood this space with as much honesty and truth as I can.

Beauty brands and PR firms might never send me another product for free. I might never get another brand deal, even if it’s a company I do actually like and believe in. Beauty press trips? A thing of the past. I need to make my money elsewhere and that’s scary: I’m still figuring that part out, and plan to freelance and pursue my career as an author. (A sure path to miiiillions of dollars! Just kidding. A sure path to about $20K a year.) I had a pretty good thing going for a while, and now I don’t. It’s partially the industry, and it’s partially me.

But I hope to to blog until the day I die. And I’m not going to let anybody tell me I’m not valuable to you.

Because I’m no longer beholden.

Because the industry is changing.

Because we may be few, but I know that people like me—who love beauty, but crave real answers—are still out there.

Because there’s too much noise and not enough points-of-view.

Because if you don’t evolve, you die.

Sometimes you need a push to make that leap. So here we are. I was pushed, and now I’m leaping and I’m moving forward.

This is not just a beauty blog anymore, and I want to be honest with you across the board. So let’s do that together. Let’s not mince words. Let’s talk about the things that people are afraid to talk about.

Get at me with your questions. Let’s get real.

The post Beholden No More: The End of Sponsored Posts appeared first on Nadine Jolie Courtney.

Obviously, the second I found out I was having a girl, I prepared to get my Carole Middleton on. Exhibit A: above.

I am proud to announce that our daughter was a literate genius at the tender age of 8 weeks, reading Stephen King’s On Writing with visible interest.

Interest in the weird outfits the Big Lady put her in? Not so much.

I mean.

Come on.

JUST STOP.

I know I am hugely biased, but I think she’s the most edible baby on planet earth, period, full stop, end of story. Grandpa agrees.

See also: chunkiest thighs, cutest smile, best hair.

For more photos of Baby Aurelia now, follow me and follow Erik on Instagram! (And for more photos of Aurelia from her newborn phase: voila.)

The post Baby Aurelia: Newborn No More! appeared first on Nadine Jolie Courtney.

That’s what everybody says when you have a newborn baby. Enjoy it! Enjoy it! It’s like a war cry for parents who have been through the trenches and come out on the other side with their smiling, happy, sleeping-through-the-night babies in tow.

But when you’re in the thick of it, it feels impossible to enjoy it: or at least, it was for me. Forget living day by day: I was living hour by hour, just trying to get through the day without keeling over and breaking down into tears.

The exhaustion is unfathomable. The sleep deprivation is all-encompassing. And the fears beat you over the head with a frying pan.

Is this going to be forever? Is my baby EVER going to sleep? When will I be able to take a shower without crying out in pain because my baby thinks my nipples are a chew toy? And is soaking through seven maxi pads and shooting out golf ball-sized blood clots from my lady bits the new normal?

Because if this is what I purchased, it’s defective. I want a refund. Me no likey.

Fun stuff! Enjoy it!

Of course, we loved Aurelia once she arrived. But that deep, abiding, “I live my life for this baby” feeling that I’d always heard about didn’t immediately grab me by my soul. I loved her–like, a lot. But I also love sushi and Paris–like, a lot. (And I wouldn’t forgo 7 weeks sleep in exchange for a trip to Paris or a mouthwatering uni roll, no matter how life changing either might be.)

Looking back on those newborn days, it was kind of like finally getting reservations to a really trendy restaurant that everybody freaks out about, and when you go you’re like, “Yeah, that was the best martini I’ve ever had, sure. But the steak? Meh. I give it a 6. And they charged us how much?”

I loved my baby. I stared at her for hours. I took endless (ENDLESS) videos with the intention of editing them together later. And I couldn’t stop smelling her (even though the newborn smell is not as good as advertised, and is actually kinda like sour milk. But still! It was MY sour milk! And it was precious!)

But…she cried all the time. (And she wasn’t even a crier.) She never slept. (And she wasn’t even a bad sleeper.) She treated my nipples like a baby piranha. I didn’t have time to eat properly, to make the magical milk that was supposed to nourish my baby back past her birth weight. And I didn’t have a mother, or a sister, or an aunt, or a cousin, or a night nurse, or anybody to help me through those brutal first couple of weeks. (Other than a very befuddled, equally-exhausted husband, who quickly became the world’s best diaper-changer and lunch-fetcher.)

More than once, while stumbling around the house sleep deprived, up to my elbows in baby poo, unshowered, starving, dehydrated, bleeding from various downstairs orifices, unable to go to the bathroom, and puffy eyed from yet another round of 3am crying (mine and hers), I thought: I’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake.

I started supplementing with formula when Aurelia was 2 weeks old, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made.

Suddenly, Erik could help with night feedings. My best friend’s aunt was able to come over during the day and feed her while I napped. I got a solid 4 hour chunk of sleep–miracle of miracles!–and showered almost daily.

My next turning point came at week 7, when after a month and a half of barely sleeping, I snapped. We put Aurelia on a schedule I found through a program called Moms on Call, and she went from sleeping 3.5 hours (max) to sleeping 8 hours (straight!) in only 2 nights.

And my life changed–again.

Now, I was finally able to enjoy this precious, wondrous being I’d created. I read to her. I sang to her. I laughed with my husband. I stopped crying. I started my life anew.

I finally became a Mother.

Now, of course, she’s the light of my life. I find myself thinking about her when she’s sleeping in the next room, wondering if she’s dreaming of me. Does she miss me? Does she love me?? Am I her favorite?!?

It’s like she’s a member of One Direction and I’m a 12-year-old girl. I’m OBSESSED WITH HER.

With the newborn days long behind me, I look back on them with a tiny bit of nostalgia. I see Aurelia’s first photo and I squeal over how tiny she was. I find her mittens or hat in a drawer and I’m suddenly in a drunken stupor, inhaling them like it’s the key to eternal life. I stumble across an old photo of myself and I want to give myself a hug: tell myself it’s going to be okay, tell myself that it won’t last forever.

I want to tell myself to enjoy it.

Because they were all right. It goes so fast.

For more photos of newborn Aurelia, click here!

And for photos of Baby Aurelia now, follow me and follow Erik on Instagram!

The post The One Thing Everybody Says When You Have a Newborn appeared first on Nadine Jolie Courtney.

(And, by the way: newborns look like cranky old men. That’s just how it goes, and my daughter was no exception.)

For photos of Baby Aurelia now, follow me and follow Erik on Instagram!

The post Newborn Aurelia photos appeared first on Nadine Jolie Courtney.