Apparently dedication is not an issue. While most dog fighting rings don’t start their preseason preparations until early August, Vick and his teammates at Bad Newz Kennels have been busy since late June beating, starving, and otherwise generally irritating their dogs. “That’s the difference in being a champion and being a contender.” stated Vick, “It’s what you do in the off-season that prepares you for championships.”

   With Bad Newz Kennels expected to compete for the Southeast Dog Fighting Championship this year, Vick appears to be taking a workman like approach. “We are just going to take it one dog fight at a time. When you have all the hype coming into the season, it would be easy to overlook that skinny Staffordshire Bull on week one when you know you’ve got that mutant American Bull the next week. Do that, and the Staffordshire Bull can slip up and kill your dog. Or you may have to drown it yourself.”

   “I can’t tell you what a difference I see in her this year,” said a friend, “I ran into her at the fireworks tent off highway 86 Monday. She had a basket full! Roman candles, 4 gross of those $1.99 bottle rockets, and more sparklers than I could count. She even had a 4-pack of those cardboard chickens that shoot flaming eggs out of their butts. I’m just so happy that she is now as proud of this country as I am.”

   The New York Daily News recently reported that Viagra has become the performance enhancer of choice among athletes worldwide. Hailed for it’s ability to dialate blood vessels, Viagra helps deliver oxygen, nutrients and performance-enhancing drugs to muscles more efficiently.

   In related news, a new American pole vault record was set Sunday by defending world champion Brad Walker.

   In the works for decades, NASA unveiled their new $250 million machine on Wednesday which is designed to remove and purify waste from the toilets on the space station, rendering it useful for both bathing and drinking. Marybeth Edeen, of NASA’s Johnson Space Center, said that while it’s obvious that the general public would be squeamish about such drinking water, “Astronauts are used to hardship and while they also have a psychological factor to overcome , they usually get past it within a couple of days.”      “Takes a little longer for the meatloaf.”

   Although Lost writer and executive producer Carlton Cuse confirms that Andrews is on leave from the show to research an upcoming movie role as an Iraqi goat herder, his current whereabouts are unknown. “You know, I hear this stuff happens all the time to those actors who play pedophiles on those ‘most wanted’ t.v. shows,” defended the operative. “Andrews really should consider it a compliment that we were so convinced he was an Iraqi insurgent. I mean who can forget that image of Sayid hammering those things under Sawyer’s fingernails in season 1?”

   Pentagon officials deny reports that Andrews was flown in secrecy to Egypt Thursday night where he was waterboarded for nearly five hours before his captors realized their mistake. But in related news, someone using the moniker “ihearthoover” has recently posted on several Lost spoiler internet message boards, citing “a reliable source,” that Claire is alive and the guy in the coffin is Christian Shepherd. Neither Andrews nor his agent immediately returned telephone messages seeking comment.

   Carpel Tunnel Syndrome is a narrowing of the nerve canal in the wrists which can cause numbness, pain, and loss of motor skills in the hands. While not a typical NFL injury, it can be particularly detrimental to a running back, who has to grip the ball tightly in order to prevent a turnover. Usually caused by repetitive motion, team orthopedist Jack Armstrong said that it his first time dealing with this particular injury, but that Henry has extenuating circumstances which led to the problem.

   “Apparently Travis has to start filling out mother’s day cards for his childrens’ respective mothers in February in order to ensure that they are all in the mail by early May,” stated Armstrong. “We have spoken to him about ways to possibly avoid injury in the future such as e-cards, mailing services, etc.”     “And maybe condoms”

   Contacted by phone, agent Gus Felderman said that interest in his client has been very strong and that Perrilloux has narrowed his options down to two offers. “Ryan plans on spending this weekend with his family and hopefully come to a decision by Monday. While time is definitely an issue, he needs to weigh the pros and cons of each offer and come to a sound decision that will be the best for himself and his family. While Burger King has offered him his preference of 2nd shift so he doesn’t have to get up so early, the free meal plan at McDonalds is something that you cannot overlook. He loves the cookies.”

   Apparently by the 4th round, the equipment guy at Titans headquarters notified the higher-ups that they had no more jerseys with NFL allowed numbers for running backs. At this point, they proved to me that they have the collective brainpower of an oxygen deprived box turtle. With their first pick in the fourth round, the Titans drafted a guy that wasn’t in the draft. You read that correctly. He was not on the NFL draft list. For perspective, this is akin to Roger Clemens dating a woman not in the girl scouts. It just doesn’t happen. To make matters either worse or more comical depending on your mindset, it turns out the Titans traded their 5th round pick in order to move up in the fourth round to draft the guy not in the draft. I need say no more about the 4th round.

   I would, however, like to share with you what the Titans did after the draft. This was when the Titans proved to me that they have the collective brainpower of a slightly besotted, oxygen deprived box turtle. In a move described by coach Jeff Fisher as “A way to add both veteran leadership and immediate depth to the non-running back position,” the Titans traded 2-time pro-bowler Kyle Vanden-Bosch and next year’s first round pick for Reggie White.

   “Once again, ‘guilty until proven innocent’ seems to be the case when it comes to defaming my character” stated Clemens. “Just as in the case with the steroid accusations, my word apparently means nothing compared to these whispered rumors, allegations, credit card receipts, recorded phone calls, eyewitness accounts, photographs, etc. etc. etc. And just like the supposed steroid controversy, Mindy McCready was simply supplying me with vitamin B12.”    “With her vagina.”