Long since retired from her seamstress job and living a quiet life at the David O’Conner Senior Citizen’s Home, Beatrice still hears the occasional whisper from her fellow female bingo players. Then with a sly grin, she also notes that “I have enough snack room coupons to buy this joint.”

   Sen. Arlen Specter, who is spearheading the investigation, was recently asked at a press luncheon to evaluate where the Globetrotters’ investigation ranks related to other important issues. “It’s a matter of integrity. It’s a matter of trust. Sports, amateur and professional alike, are our national pastime. It is how we as Americans get our collective mind off things such as a lack of an exit strategy in Iraq or the impending economic recession. We definitely need to work on those issues as well, and we will… as soon as we find out why the Harlem Globetrotters play a schedule composed primarily of really stupid white guys.”

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   A relative at the reunion, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that for the first hour or so Mr. Federline just seemed confused. “He just kind of wandered around, looking at others like we were from Mars or something. Then when Aunt Freeda, his mother’s second cousin on the Primbrook side of the family, took the microphone to start the square-dance…I guess it kinda hit him. I just remember seeing him set his slaw-dog down and sob uncontrollably.”

   At a recent appearance at the National Institutes Of Health, a reporter’s question seemed to touch a nerve with the President. When asked if his low approval rating was a mandate for change regarding his policy in Iraq, Bush gave the reporter a lecture on math.

   “Look,” said Bush, “America is a big country with over 300 million people. If 20% of people like me, that would equal……….a whole bunch of people. And you know a lot of people that like me probably weren’t even home to answer the phone that day. How many people like you?”

   Apparently dedication is not an issue. While most dog fighting rings don’t start their preseason preparations until early August, Vick and his teammates at Bad Newz Kennels have been busy since late June beating, starving, and otherwise generally irritating their dogs. “That’s the difference in being a champion and being a contender.” stated Vick, “It’s what you do in the off-season that prepares you for championships.”

   With Bad Newz Kennels expected to compete for the Southeast Dog Fighting Championship this year, Vick appears to be taking a workman like approach. “We are just going to take it one dog fight at a time. When you have all the hype coming into the season, it would be easy to overlook that skinny Staffordshire Bull on week one when you know you’ve got that mutant American Bull the next week. Do that, and the Staffordshire Bull can slip up and kill your dog. Or you may have to drown it yourself.”

   “I can’t tell you what a difference I see in her this year,” said a friend, “I ran into her at the fireworks tent off highway 86 Monday. She had a basket full! Roman candles, 4 gross of those $1.99 bottle rockets, and more sparklers than I could count. She even had a 4-pack of those cardboard chickens that shoot flaming eggs out of their butts. I’m just so happy that she is now as proud of this country as I am.”

   The New York Daily News recently reported that Viagra has become the performance enhancer of choice among athletes worldwide. Hailed for it’s ability to dialate blood vessels, Viagra helps deliver oxygen, nutrients and performance-enhancing drugs to muscles more efficiently.

   In related news, a new American pole vault record was set Sunday by defending world champion Brad Walker.

   In the works for decades, NASA unveiled their new $250 million machine on Wednesday which is designed to remove and purify waste from the toilets on the space station, rendering it useful for both bathing and drinking. Marybeth Edeen, of NASA’s Johnson Space Center, said that while it’s obvious that the general public would be squeamish about such drinking water, “Astronauts are used to hardship and while they also have a psychological factor to overcome , they usually get past it within a couple of days.”      “Takes a little longer for the meatloaf.”

   Although Lost writer and executive producer Carlton Cuse confirms that Andrews is on leave from the show to research an upcoming movie role as an Iraqi goat herder, his current whereabouts are unknown. “You know, I hear this stuff happens all the time to those actors who play pedophiles on those ‘most wanted’ t.v. shows,” defended the operative. “Andrews really should consider it a compliment that we were so convinced he was an Iraqi insurgent. I mean who can forget that image of Sayid hammering those things under Sawyer’s fingernails in season 1?”

   Pentagon officials deny reports that Andrews was flown in secrecy to Egypt Thursday night where he was waterboarded for nearly five hours before his captors realized their mistake. But in related news, someone using the moniker “ihearthoover” has recently posted on several Lost spoiler internet message boards, citing “a reliable source,” that Claire is alive and the guy in the coffin is Christian Shepherd. Neither Andrews nor his agent immediately returned telephone messages seeking comment.