At first it was something I could brush off; my libido being lower, my skins appearance changing, growing hair in places I didn’t want, acne galore….I went from being liberated to a person who truly was beginning to lose touch with themselves, their sensuality, and their confidence. I WAS A WRECK.

With PCOS comes many fucked up symptoms and “side effects”. Most notably either you get frequent and irregular periods, or your Menzies goes cold turkey of exacting its monthly revenge.

Just…. MIA.

Could you take a guess which one I had (and still have)? You guessed it, the monthly revenge is more like a daily revenge that lasts for upwards of six months at a time. I had/STILL have EXTREME anemia, dizzy spells, nausea, cramps, and I bleed so much I was dumbfounded as to how I still had enough blood to circulate my system to keep me alive. Needless to say….not very sexy.

I lucked out though, I was blessed in a time when my world was collapsing in on itself, to have a devoted and loyal husband who took care of me and showed me the utmost grace and patience. There were certainly other things we could do in the bedroom (which we did, trust), but often times I was so sick that my shop was closed down for repair. That was my life from 2007-2013.

In 2013 I began my blog and started a temp job as a medical assistant to get my feet wet after I graduated and completed my internship at Beth Israel Hospital. Before you know it, on August 1st, I woke up and couldn’t lift my head off of my pillow. As bad as the PCOS was and still IS, it did not compare to what I was about to experience. I had no idea it could be so bad, no idea what a world of hurt was about to rain down on me (not just physically…but existentially). My illness and subsequent disability stripped me inch by inch. Mind, body, and soul.

Yet and still, my (let’s face it) amazing husband took it like a champ. I fell apart and he picked up the pieces. But as amazing as he was and despite everything that transpired thereafter, he’s still human after all. So in 2016 (and over 30 hospital visits, 6 lumbar punctures, 10 MRIs, several ER visits, and being 80%bed ridden…plus an ongoing battle with PCOS), it all came to its first of many heads. During the decade-plus I’ve battle with my disability and all of the ailments, there were several peak-level meltdowns. This was the first time rock-bottom was looking more like the top from where I was….from where WE were; my husband and I.

Finally! In 2017 (I’ll explain in another post what my experience w as a fat woman of color and all of the “shituations”/ shitty encounters with doctors), after advocating for myself relentlessly for years to get the “diagnosis” (because I still….STILL….can’t get an official diagnosis), I was “diagnosed” with CSF (Cerebral Spinal Fluid) leaks. The symptoms are brutal as FUCK, again those details are for another post, and needless to say, not just the “sexy”…but the sex was at an all time low.

And guess what? I’m still in the throws of this chronic condition. It isn’t always chronic for folks afflicted with it, but as per usual, I (including my body) am an over achiever. If there is a one in a million chance…that’s me…I am that one. Plus, my condition is idiosyncratic. No one knew the why, the where, the how of this shitty illness; not even after all of the test and doctors visits could shed the much needed light.

And through all of it, my hubz stood firm in his support and had as much patience that could be had. We fucked when we could, and when we did we made sure to not “waste” it. I can’t even count the numerous times I wasn’t entirely in the mood to, had what we spoonies call “manageable pain”, and still got down with the get down. Physically it took a toll as I’m sure you could imagine.

In the moments consumed with lust and desire- fire, I felt nothing but pleasure; occasionally a little discomfort if we were doing the most. But the aftermath was like entering the 7th circle of hell. My headaches would worsen, my vertigo went into overload, I’d become nauseous and at times could barely move to get out of bed. In my mind this downward spiral was worth it (and still is) because I LOVE SEX, & intimacy…..and I can’t exist without it. Plus it was/is important to me that we fulfill each others desires. We make room for those days when I’m too ill and he’s too busy with work or studying, but we vowed to never neglect our intimacy needs no matter what. We would carve out the time. We would make it work even if we had to go slow and steady (which sometimes we both thoroughly enjoy).

It’s funny, not HAHA, but….interesting; I’ve always been an exceptional lover (still am) but I had to learn how to adjust to the changes that came with disabled-sex. It wasn’t always smooth sailing, but we adjusted; in physicality, mindset, expectation, etc..

Communication becomes paramount, it’s the difference between a transcendent/ transformative experience….and a nightmare. While we’re at it let’s just add patience and grace to the list of valuables. Knowing when to slow it down and pace yourself is also key. Last but not least, trust. You NEED to trust your partner with your feelings, shortcomings, inabilities, insecurities, and you must be able to voice what works for you in the moment at any given moment without feeling bad about it. I’ve never really had a problem in that department. I’m quite blunt and upfront, I’m an open book and I’d rather feel the varying sting intensities of the “uncomfortable” convos for the sake of betterment. It’s a necessary discomfort. I welcome it. My husband is not like me in that way and struggles to express himself in varying degrees; he’s improved over time because I encouraged him to grow, be confident, and say shit with his chest. I brought out his fire and he extinguished my flash grenade of a personality when needed. We balance each other that way.

And in those moments of vulnerable hour long convos about desire, fulfilment, and needs (existential, love language, intimacies, etc…), we discover(ed) so many things about ourselves and each other. That’s when I learned all the ways my illness affected him. I learned how helpless he felt. I learned how much pressure he was under to provide, to fulfill, to balance support and self-care. I’d be lying if I said the realization and conclusions reached over the course of the years of long talks hasn’t hurt from time to time, or made me feel guilt & shame; let’s be honest, those feelings are like breathing air for us spoonies. I just do my best to never make him feel like shit or like he’s a bad person for having his feelings. It’s incredibly important that he remain honest and authentic with me at all times. I have always given him that space.

I don’t want to completely speak for him here, I have no interest in misrepresenting him or stealing his voice, so I decided to interview my husband. We do plan to make a video elaborating on all of this and posting it on the YouTubes, but for now…a VERY candid interview is what yawl gonna get.

Q) What challenges have been presented to you since your wife has been sick?
Has it affected your libido?

A) There have been some emotional challenges. I was quite angry in the beginning, and didn’t want to accept that she was sick. Although I’ve now accepted it to some extent (can’t knock me for hoping); which took a few years, I’m still annoyed that she is sick. She doesn’t deserve it. There is also the challenge of not really knowing how to help. It’s especially tough when your wife is 100% self-reliant and doesn’t really ask for help unless she’s backed up against the wall….sometimes she will wait until she’s pushed through the wall before she asks for help. I use to get angry at that, however, I understand it because I can be the same way. In addition to that, of course there is the financial challenges. Being the primary-bread-winner while living in New York City is tough; It’s even tougher while you’re trying to start a business, and tougher still when the doctors she’s been seeing can’t even diagnose her.

I also find it to be challenging to not say the wrong things to a disabled person, it’s hard as a able-bodied person to always be cognoscente of limitations when you have very few. It’s so easy to accidently ask her to do something that she can’t physically do…it’s a bad habit that I’m still trying to fix. I actually did it two days prior to me typing up this response.

Last but not least, it can be really difficult to not see her as a patient. I was always looking up new “cures” for her to possibly get her life back. There is a very thin line between seeing your ill spouse as…well… a spouse and seeing them as said patient. What ends up happening, at least for me, is that I subconsciously started viewing her as somewhat of project, one that I really love and care about and want the best outcome for. This isn’t all bad, but it can get to be excessive, borderline obsessive. *A tip for anyone in this situation: Remember to date you significant other, touch base, court them, make them feel like a person (because they often don’t feel that way), and often times they just want some sort of normalcy back…soo help them in that regard. I thought I was not only showing her love, but the kind of love I thought she needed; it was the complete opposite….maybe not complete (I’ll cut myself some slack). You love them so much that you spend hours, months, years, looking for a cure, never giving up. It can be tough to take a step back and allow them to just be. And remember in and through all of this, give yourself some grace, it is NOT easy to navigate…especially in the beginning.

As for my libido and how she affects it? It hasn’t changed a damn thing, I still look at her and attempt to feel her up all of the time (every damn day). If anything as time has gone by, I’ve grown more attached, more in love, and more attracted to her. She is every bit the fantasy and I’m a lucky son of a bitch.

Q) Has it affected you sex-life? In what ways?

A) I’ve grown to accept it, and it literally doesn’t bother me even with my fluctuating libido that can be ridiculously high sometimes. We can’t really have sex as often as we’d both like. Sometimes we go so long without having sex that when we do get a chance to have sex, it feels like we’re having sex for the first time. Which doesn’t suck. The excitement is heightened and it makes me wanna make a good impression. .

Q) Have you had the convo with your significant other (how you feel, sexual changes, change in intimacy, accommodations and adjustments now that they’re sick)? How did they react?

A) Yes, we spoke about it. She, as always was quite understanding. She understands that I’m only human…she always takes that into consideration; this woman is the most emotionally intelligent person I know.

Q) Did you have hard times in your relationship that were centered around their illness? In which ways?

A) Yes. There were a few times where my wife was in a lot of pain because she did not have the medication that helped ease the pain (Thanks to her doctors not supplier her with meds that actually worked). On many occasions she would be up all night screaming in pain, crying with snot bubbles and drool and all (rocking back and forth to attempt to self-sooth). It was quite difficult listening to her in pain because there was literally nothing I could do to ease it....listening to her scream in pain is a trigger...when i hear her in pain I immediately get upset at the medical industry for their lack in effort and care when dealing with her.

Q) Has your sex scheduling changed in any way? How?

A) I don’t really do sex scheduling, never did. I just follow my instinct and read the room.

Q) How do you compensate for the days when intimacy needs to take place but they don't have the spoons?

A) Heavy groping, cuddling, and foreplay. And when she has zero on the spoon-o-meter, I self-soothe. However, Most of the time I’m so busy that I don’t even think about it.

Q) Have you adjusted the way you interact or perform during intimacy?

A) Yes, kind of. I try to be really careful with how I toss her around. I try to be really careful with her back. We do a lot of side positions. if you can imagine the variety of side-based positions and any position that requires her to lay down, we do it. I do love when she’s on top riding, but we can’t really do that as much anymore. The cowgirl position is one of my favs, woe is me.

Q) What do you wish would improve about those interactions that you feel are due to your wife's illness?

A) I wish she felt good enough to ride me more; she does, but who doesn’t want more of a good thing?

Q) What have you lost due to your wife's illness? Which ways?

A) I Lost the opportunity to take my wife out on dates (Movies, Dinner, etc...). I miss going on walks and our gym routine together too. Other than that, not much really.

Q) What have you gained?

A) I gained somewhat of an understanding of what her life is like and what life must be like for people in her position, or worse. I wouldn’t be able to fully understand because I’m able-bodied. Interestingly enough my love for her has increased dramatically. With sex not really being in the picture as much, I was able to see HER even more….its really interesting if you think about it….its like when COVID hit…breakup/divorce rates went up because couples, whether they were marriage or not, were stuck in the house with each other for months and months they ACTUALLY got a chance to know each other…and it turned out they realized that they couldn’t stand one another; maybe the realized that all they had was sex (or that they needed more over all).

Not me and my lady. Nineteen years and still ticking…although we have problems, we’re best friends before anything else; we’re always laughing…I wear that shit like a badge of honor.

Q) Do you still find her attractive and are you still turned on by them?

A) Yes. I still feel her up. There hasn’t been one time, unless we’re fighting, that when she walks by I’m not looking at her bodily-goodies.- She’s got that table-top action goin on….if you know what I mean, and her sex appeal is unmatched.

Q) Do you have any regrets or resentment?

A) Resentment? Sometimes (not towards her…just towards the situation), the universe is cruel. Regrets? Nope. You see, In the beginning stages when I realize that it was going to be a long-term thing, there were times when I had resentment. When you have your plans ripped away from you, it’s a shock to the system. Life pulled the rug right from under us and we fell bareback into icy waters. It was a whole new shitty experience. I wasn’t as emotionally intelligent then as I am now. So I was more selfish and self-centered….didn’t see anything except the life-plans that were ruined…I didn’t want to re-figure things out. It was fucking frustrating. If she wasn’t the way she was, highly emotionally intelligent, we probably wouldn’t be together because I learned How to be more emotionally intelligent because of her…I learned to have more sympathy AND empathy (and the difference between the two).

Q) What was your relationship like prior to her having her first attack? How has it changed thereafter?

A) Before the attack she was super human. She did everything, I mean EVERYTHING, and she was everyone’s everything too. She cooked, cleaned, ran every errand known to man, went to school, worked, etc.… She gave 150% to every task and every relationship, she was the most reliable person I’d ever known. After the attack, much of her “ability”/functionality was stripped from her and she no longer was as luminous, reliable, and her cape became significantly more tattered if you know what I mean. But, who she is/was as a person…only got better, if that is even possible. In no way am I trying to reduce my beautiful wife to a list of tasks and her ability to do them well or often, obviously she’s way way more than that. Anyone who knows her knows how lucky they are to be in her circle. And she gives her absolute all with everything she does, it just so happens that sometimes it’s less often and with considerable strain. She gives her all even to her detriment. Those things haven’t changed. I admire her. And to be clear, there is very little she could do…or not do that would change how I feel about that.

Q) What is one thing you want your wife to know that you've never said or need for her to know more often?

A) You’re my favorite person in the fucking world…When ever something happens, you’re the first person I think to tell. I appreciate all that you do and I’m proud that you continue to push through the shitty cards you’ve been dealt, your shitty pain, and your shitty health issues. You’re the definition of a superwoman; yes, I know Woman are superheroes already, but you’re another breed of superhero altogether. You’re in pain everyday and put up with my foolishness for years and years, yet you still love me. Truth is, I’m lucky you’re still around.

Society has done superbly at disillusioning people into thinking that health and beauty have a set standard (calculation, and/or formula), that it's as if it were hard-coded into the DNA of the masses, what I'd like to call, "sheep"...yes..sheep. "Sheep" are what I deem to be the people void of rationale, the people who follow the crowd blindly, the people whose formed opinion isn't organic and that of another, the people who are misinformed and though they've been presented with hard facts, they refuse to believe anything else other than what they've been programmed to think and believe. 

Now one can go and say that in essence I could be one and the same with the "sheep", as are all others who are about to agree with this article right here...honestly, that's fine. However, I do hope that you leave this article, at the very least, questioning the prefabricated reality, that is your life.

So what brought us here today? Well, for starters, these thoughts are ones I've been meaning to share for quite some time, also, just recently I came across yet another disturbing example of what's wrong with the human race and our inability to just focus or negativity on ourselves (if we wish to focus it anywhere), rather than impose it upon everyone around us. The happening that took place recently is none other, than the Asos/ Gabi (of Gabifresh.com), ridiculousness. On May 26th, 2014, Asos posted a photo of Gabi wearing garments from their Asos Curve collection. In my opinion, and in the opinion of thousands of others, Gabi rocked the hell out of her outfit and was reckless with her fabulosity.

Unfortunately, for the thousand who were cheering her on for being fabulous and appreciating her style, there were probably just as many nay-sayers. The brigade of unintelligible "Sheep" came just in time to rain on the parade that was just suppose to be about style, and turned it into a shit show about health. 

Oh great, here we go again....

It never ceases to amaze me how people are such blind and willing fools...to believe that the world is flat, to believe that everything is so black and white, to misread the intentions of style bloggers who just so happens to be on the heavier side. It kills me how these very same people waving the "you're fat so you must be unhealthy", and the, " your'e fat so you're unattractive", flag....are probably the same ones that have shotty health records themselves, and more than a few broken mirrors in their house. 

Now, obviously this is a generalized statement, I am not nearly as arrogant as most of these critics, to think that I could surmise everyone's motives or the quality of their health just by looking at them, just by pulling shit out of thin air. 

As cut and dry as science & medicine will have you believe it is, it really isn't, this is where the differential diagnosis comes into play,

A person can have a slew of symptoms and the actual ailment could be anything under the sun. Science is about questioning, and a quest to facts and a truth. Without the basic essentials like: a variable, the courage to challenge what's "fact", and the understanding that not everything is what it seems...that what composes a persons reality is relative, subjective, and nowhere near as definitive as we'd like to think..we would never make progress as a species.

To be honest I question  how so many close minded and ignorant people, managed this far in the game, what ever happened to the strongest survive?

Strength is more than just physicality, it's all inclusive, it's mind body and soul, it lies within your ability to discern what works and is true for your own existence on this planet, and helps you to survive another day....so it begs the question...how do some of the close-minded get on?

Ok, Ok, I'll admit, i'm taking advantage of this moment to insult the very people who can't help but insult those who don't fit in the status quot. I am essentially wearing the karma hat and trying to serve it "hot and ready", but I'll stop.

I just don't understand why people don't open their minds and hearts more, as opposed to their mouths to spew hatred all over the place...

If you leave here with nothing else, leave hear with this:

1. Beauty is not contingent on ones status, size, or wealth. Unfortunately, though some of those things float the boat of what seems like many, and can help sway someones misguided perception to lean towards those who posses such things (or the standard of such things), these things are transient and mean nothing...they define nothing. 
2. Health is not contingent on ones size. Despite what's popularly noted, the curvy, the fat, the chunky, the BBW, and the clinically obese, have the same likelihood of being healthy as the slim, the skinny, the "fit", the clinically normal weight-classed, have of being unhealthy. Some people just have good genetics though they're heavy, and some people have bad genetics though they are thin. These are facts. 

Let's take me for example, I'm 300 LBS of pure unadulterated fabulousness, recently I went to the doctors to find out why I have migraines, what I didn't know (and wasn't ready for) was that every doctor I consulted with, took one look at me and made a snap judgement as to what was wrong. Every single doctor suggested that I (or rather tried to persuade me to) get the Lap Band. They were all concerned about my health because of my weight. I do not fault them, I'd be a liar and a fool if I tried to convince you that their suspicions weren't warranted. I get it, being overweight can cause health problems, but DO NOT be deluded, so can being chronically thin. That's not what bothered me though, what bothered me is that no tests were run prior to this suggestion, that they assumed the results of what ever test they ran would come up critical. 

So with each specialist I got the work up, and you know what result came back....? NORMAL. All the numbers were within the standard of good health. My cholesterol, blood-pressure, blood-sugar, kidney function, oxygen, and EKG results were better than standard, so much so that each doctor was shocked that their prejudice wasn't founded. All they could say for lack of anything else, was to just watch my weight. This is something I've heard for so many years of my life, and like always, I made some changes to my diet, remained my fat self, and came out with beautiful numbers.

Lets take my husband, he is in impeccable shape, an athlete, has such little body fat and is well defined and toned, eats healthy, and he has the stamina of a thousand men....but....his family history is riddled with poor health. He has a heart murmur, and for a brief moment last year we thought his heart was in danger. Here I was, the fat healthy wife worried about her physically fit husband with a faulty ticker. This is a prime example of nothing being what it seems.

Why is  it so difficult to open yourselves up to understanding the complexities of what makes up our individual genes, and essentially shapes our health. It's 2014, with all the resources out there, there should be no reason why people aren't in the know.

Now let's address yet another form of thinking, we've discussed why one should reevaluate their perceptions about health, but let's talk about fashion and style.

Let's say you think Gabi is this "FAT MONSTER", what the hell....did ya hear me....I said WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH HER OUTFIT???!!!!!

So let me get this straight...should she be naked? Oh wait...no no no...you wouldn't want that right? Or should she be "Baby in the corner"...but no one puts Baby in the corner. Oh, I get it, maybe she shouldn't be viewed as a person with style, not a big girl, not a skinny girl, not a anything but a person with style...OH, OK, I get it now.

Seriously....?

When did the standard of common sense, and the ability to posses an ounce of tact, become so low?

People out here will have you believe that if you don't fit this man-made mold of what's good looking, then you shouldn't flaunt your confidence. They'll have you believe that because you refuse to care about their standards that you're promoting an unhealthy lifestyle.

Newsflash: Health is more than a size, how can you leave out the other health essentials; mental health and spiritual health?

By that definition alone one should surmise that the negative Nancy's are the unhealthy ones and their tangents are condoning an unhealthy lifestyle, and that the person who comes out of the cocoon labelled "Too fat to be good enough", like the beautiful confident butterfly that they are, is in fact condoning a far healthier lifestyle than any nay-sayer ever could. 

Who's unhealthy now?

Listen, I just so happen to be one of the lucky ones. I don't put much stock in peoples negative views about my appearance, I'm sure neither does GabiFresh, or any of the other weight-scrutinized bloggers out there; my concern is for those who aren't as un-bothered as we are. I fight for those who have thinner skin, I fight for the persons (because this isn't a gender specific struggle) who bare witness to these comments, look at themselves (at the body they already compare to Gabi or any one else, as inferior), and are thinking "Great, if people think that she's unappealing, or unworthy...what does that make me?" I fight for them, WE fight for them.

People need to understand that this fight is not about who looks better, not about the promotion of an unhealthy lifestyle, it's about acceptance. It's about accepting you at any size and juncture in your life. This is not to say that if you want to improve upon yourself that you shouldn't, it's to say that you should love yourself despite the voices procured by society that plays on repeat in your head. Love yourself through and through, love yourself through every stage of your journey, all the way to your own personal health and well-being. The journey is yours and no one can dictate to you how your journey should unfold.

In my most recent article with Manik Mag, I addressed the topic of 'Brand Bullying' and how we as a society need to be a tad more open minded about what it means to be stylish. Below are a few of my favorite excerpts:

"I don’t know about you, but I'm tired of the whole "Mean Girl" mentality and way of being. I'm tired of people mistreating, disrespecting, and ostracizing each other based on "Who" each other is wearing."

"By no means am I trying to downplay anyone’s existence, I'm just trying to let people know that Humble Pie is on the menu and they shouldn't be afraid to have a slice."

"News flash: Just because you paid $1000 on a pair of socks...doesn't make you stylish; it also most certainty doesn't make you too school for cool. (In that order)" 

"Style is so many things to me, but the best explanation I could come up with is; style’s a creative minds pantomime, or like Morris code with Shoes & Clothes & Accessories , Oh My!!! "

"Like I've said so many times before, young Assholes end up being old Assholes. If you teach your kid to judge others through foolishness then they will take those lessons with them into adulthood. If you judge your child and make them feel inadequate, this too is a lesson they will take with them into adulthood."

"If style is something you care about, I'm asking you to please take a moment and really think about what style really means, I'm asking you to think about being unique and what not following the crowd means, I need for you to think about how you plan to express yourself from here on out..."

"I'm addressing this not just in hopes of improving your style perspective, but to create awareness and improve your overall perspective on human interaction."

And an excerpt from me on our twitter chat #Hautiestalk: "

" It's sad and frustrating because I feel as though people are having less fun with their clothes and who they are as a person, I feel they're  too caught up, and I feel that it just perpetuates the cycle of not feeling worthy. People need to understand that you may not be able to afford certain things and that doesn't define you, but if someone judges you based on that, then the shoe is on the other foot for they can't afford what you're worth, in this case however, it does define them."

If I could compare relationships, we would closely resemble Doug and Carrie from King Of Queens. When we first saw the show we couldn't believe the resemblance, it quickly became "OUR" show, and I have to admit that watching that show made me love "US" that much more.

And as much as we love each other, we still have our times where we could just murder each other. I'm usually the RAH RAH one between the two of us, but surprisingly though, my husband accepts this about me too even though it's unpleasant and he wishes that I was able to control my anger a little better.

Through out my life I have had my share of relationships and have made my share of mistakes within those relationships.  Though there were trying occurrences within those relationships, I managed to leave them with a deeper understanding of myself and people,  thankfully with little to no regrets.

As I went through each passing relationship, I tried to make sure I didn't enter a new one with the baggage of the ones I was leaving in the past and tried to improve myself as well,  with that I feel my relationships and the caliber of men improved as I mosied on through life.

This brings us to the MAN I currently have in my life. 

He, like most males, has a tendency to revert back to that prepubescent boy, who's annoying, needs to be told what to do and when to do it, and losses sight of anything other than themselves, from time to time...but do not get it twisted... he is very much so a MAN.  

He treats me well and with respect, he makes valiant efforts to right his wrongs and fix his mistakes, he loves me with every inch of himself and shows it, he appreciates me for who I am and what I look like when I'm steppin' it out and when I just rolled out of bed looking and smelling like the seventh layer of hell, he gets my humor and he has the ability to make me laugh (sometimes even in the middle of an argument), he knows my body and worships it, he makes me feel beautiful when he looks at me, makes me feel comfortable to be myself at all times, and he let's me be free to be me. He supports everything I do, he takes care of his castle, he cleans, he cooks ( I do the majority of that, but he does do it), he's ambitious, he's educated, he's accomplished, he's not afraid to check me and tell me that I'm wrong or if I'm being a bitch, brat, or ungrateful, he's honest, he's respectful, he respects my family, he's sexy as all FUCK, and we share an inside world that no one can come near or touch. This to me makes a MAN, he's MY MAN, and I am so grateful and blessed to have a person like this at this stage in my life.

We've been together for just about 11yrs and through all the ups and downs, I can honestly say he is the best thing that has happened to me and my life.

I have always wanted to have a person I could grow OLD and GRUMPY with, and I feel like I've found that person. I can't tell what will happen in the future, but I do hope to God that he is in it and we're happy together and just as in love, if not more, as we are now.  

Today marks our four year wedding anniversary, our eleventh year of being together will be marked in October, and I'm feeling blessed and have high hopes for the many more years that are to come.

 -CHEERS-

Let go of jealousy.

There are a few different scenarios of this ugly trait:

1. Being jealous with your mate. If for some reason you do not trust your mate to be with his friends or around the opposite sex, then you need to start asking some serious questions: 1. You need to ask yourself if your mate has given you any reason to believe that they are untrustworthy. 2.  Are you just a drama queen, (and yes this goes for males too), who makes big something’s out of little nothings? If your answer is (1) then you need to confront that issue and try and come to a resolve, or just run for your life because life is far too short to allow someone to steal your happiness. If your answer was (2) then you need to take a moment to reflect on what you could be doing to better yourself mentally, so that you can calm down a bit, and be more sensible. If at the end of the day you’re unhappy none the less and you can’t bring yourself to change how you feel in the situation... then that is life’s cue telling you to hit the road Jack.
2. Then there’s the jealousy that’s harbored between friends, this one right here hits home because I can’t tell you how many of these I’ve gone through. You know which “friend” I’m talking about… the one who say’s they are happy for you and are not, the one who gives you advice so that you can never be or get better than them, the one that tells you they got your back when really they only talk behind your back…yeah that one. With these people you need to be precise with you incision and sever all ties with them because in the long run it will run you down.
3. Last but not least, the jealousy you may have for a stranger…come on really? This is the most useless type of jealousy because it is based on the figment of your imagination. You somehow convinced yourself that this person has it better than you because of social status, financial status, etc… Now don’t get me wrong; yes on some level someone is always better and has it better but to then look at your life and say “I want to keep up with the Jones’" is ridiculous. Guess what... the Jones’ don’t exist. Everyone has put this imaginary character up on a pedestal for everyone to follow and even if they did exist they wouldn’t even be able to keep up with themselves. There is flaw in every single thing on this planet, so if someone is well off financially they may also be a manic depressive, or if someone is dirt poor they may be rich in family and on some level still enjoy their life…ok maybe now I’m reaching a bit cause let’s face it no one wants to be dirt poor, but you get what I’m saying. You never know some ones full situation and to compare yourself to them will not only lead you to inaccuracy, but it is not conducive to any sort of happiness, and that is after all what we are in the pursuit of.

All in all dear reader, It’s time to cut it out and get with the de-programing of self-hate and build up the self-love. Appreciate what you have and let go of whatever foolish jealousy you harbor in you. Simple right..? I know it’s easier said than done, but life is a work in progress and if you refuse to put in the work you get fired so do yourself a favor and stay employed.

-Cheers-​

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**This photo above is not mine and I am not claiming it.​

The other day I sat in on a “friendship is going to S@#@!” intervention with three of my homegirl’s. Thank god I wasn’t fully involved in the almost untimely demise of a 4 year relationship. All that was really required of my presence was to make sure, as an outside none bias entity, that no one veered off track and make sure that everything that needed to be said was indeed touched upon.

After about an hour of openness and pretty much keeping REAL, I truly believed that there is nowhere else but up from here. I really wanted these girls to resolve their underlying issues that have been bubbling under the surface for over a year now. I have seen friendships end for less and I really didn’t care to see their friendship end especially when it was something that could have easily been resolved, had they just really spoke about it with candor.

All in all, each of these girls (let’s call them “Jamie, “Alice” and “Crystal”) were afraid what it would mean for their relationship had the truth come out about the things they found unsavory about one another, where their friendship stood, and where it was going .

Listen, my advice to everyone is to know that there is no need to be so afraid. I know it seems easier said than done but trust me. There is only one of two things that could happen...they can either accept your concerns and can come to a healthy compromise, or it could mean the end of your friendships. And I know you must be saying and/or thinking “well that’s what I don’t want... I don’t want our friendship to end” .

Well here’s a little bit of reality for you, you either stay in an unhealthy fraudulent relationship with the individual/individuals, you make an effort to correct it by coming to a compromise, or you move on all together. Neither they, nor you should be in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship especially not due to the lack of honesty. No one should live that type of life, it can lead to physical, mental and emotional health problems in the long run (stress, depression, weight gain or loss, etc…). It just is not a good situation.

So if you need to be the one to nip it in the bud then so be it because that type of poison can only do harm, and you confronting the problem head on can only lead to positivity.

I know you may think that there being an unpleasant outcome isn’t exactly a Pro as much as it is a Con, but if you do the math I guarantee you will see how it most definitely surmounts to being more of a Pro. It’s amazing the amount of weight that comes off of your shoulders once problems are hashed out.  

-Cheers-​

**The photo above is not mine and I am not claiming it.

There are many things to consider when taking the leap towards “freedom” and there are fears that surface that you may have put away when you agreed to venture on with your mate into something more lifelong. For example the change in finances, whether you’ll ever be as comfortable with anyone else, whether you will ever be ready to start to date again and be able to put trust in anyone again, or even if you will have it in you to go through the whole getting to know someone all over again. You may have to downsize and re-adjust to a new lifestyle all together, but fret not my newly divorced or hell even my divorcees who are seasoned there is hope and life after marriage.

Something I am constantly struggling with as a married woman is not losing me in the man I married and not being swallowed by his needs entirely, as most women tend to do because it is in our nature to give 150% of ourselves in any given situation, especially ones of a domesticated nature. And I am assuming that you the reader may have struggled with mastering that craft and decided that at the end of the day you just couldn’t allow yourself to be consumed with this thing called marriage.

First things first, let’s just let go of the self-ridicule that women are so accustom to, it does not make you less of a woman because you chose to not keep going with the relationship. You need to come to terms with that fact that everyone is different, will lead different lives and sometimes you may have walked the same path in the beginning, came to a fork in the road, and decided that you wanted to go left and he wanted to go right. This is no one’s fault. Paths change and whether you’d like to believe it or not human connections come in seasons that are not fully determined by a specific time.

You need to stop beating yourself up and take a moment to rebuild the most important relationship you will ever have, and that’s the one with yourself. It is so nice to have someone to lean on and come home to that is outside of yourself, but that is purely luxury and cosmetic because the one relationship you should need and want more is the one with yourself. Take this moment right now and think back on all the things you left behind because you were so intent on making someone else happy other than yourself. By no means am I saying you should be less giving, turn your back on your nature, never love or be in a relationship again, or that you should just become a selfish self-centered entity.  I am however, saying that this is the time for you to reconnect with who you really are and find your worth. If you rebuild you, I mean really take the time to  rebuild you… then I guarantee that the majority of your worries will fade away. You will no longer put your self-worth in someone else. This I promise you will make the path to future connections, or even re-connections with another worthy entity a much smoother and worthwhile one. I know it sounds cliché to say that one must love one’s self before they can love another, or before another can know how to love you the way you need to be loved you must learn to love yourself, but it is just one of those sayings that has it 100% right.

-Cheers-​

I went to sleep last night to the thought of what was to come today, I was turning twenty nine and I felt nothing. I thought I'd have some tantrum due to the idea of getting older, but I felt nothing. I think it's because I've spent many years of my life feeling like I was already thirty and sometimes eighty. I was used to people telling me that I had an old soul and it was a running inside joke my friends and I had where we would consider ourselves much, much older than we were, and with that in mind... I felt nothing...

I woke up this morning and rolled over towards the love of my life and spooned him for a little longer than usual, I thought maybe it had something to do with how cute he looked in a little ball next to me, but then it dawned on me that maybe it was my way of not facing the day. Could it be, was I beginning to feel...something? ​

At some point, and I don't remember how or when, I ended up on the far end of my bed in a ball myself, being woken up by the blinds being light up with the awakening of the sky and to my husband singing a little birthday ditty. I couldn't help but let a smile slip from my lips before I even attempted to open my eyes and when I finally did, I was greeted by those pretty little Bambi eyes I adore so much. He said, "It's your birthday." I threw the covers back over my face and he continued to sing his little song. I had all these plans for the day and at this point sitting at home doing nothing, like I do almost every birthday, was sounding OH SOOOO GOOD.

Finally, after shitting around and making excuses for myself, I picked my humdrum arse out of bed and got myself primped for my birthday celebration.​ I took a shower, got dressed and began the grueling twenty year process of applying makeup.

This sounds very depressing doesn't it?​

I turned on the mirror light and gazed at my face for a while, trying to gauge how much I've aged within a matter of a few hours. Not much. I then had a thought, could I really be upset about aging?

Then I dissected some more.​

I don't necessarily think I have an issue with getting older in appearance as much as what getting older actually means. I think I'm most afraid that I've gotten older and I haven't done enough in the time I've spent on this planet, and that I haven't touched enough lives, thus making me feel somewhat unfulfilled. I've spent a good portion of my life in self-reflection and have come to the realization throughout that time that I want to really help people. I also think that's why the whole idea of a blog came about  for me.

When I was done putting on my face and the rest of my outfit, there was my husband with a smile on his face, just looking at me. I already knew what he was going to say, I already knew exactly what he was thinking, and it in-turn put a smile on my face. He has a way of doing that, he can just make me feel so damn beautiful with just a look.  ​

When we finally arrived at our destination, got our seats, and placed out order, I had a moment to really think back at all my years here. I realized that i can't dwell on what it is I don't have, I can only improve upon myself as best as I can with the time I was allotted here on this earth. I can only hope that I touch the life of at least one person, motivate one person, make one person laugh or smile, and continue to do my best to spread that to as many people as possible. ​This realization isn't a new one for me, as are many of the realizations I will express me having on this blog, it's rather a reminder of something I already knew. I just need a wake up call from time to time.

I looked over at my husband as the food arrived at our table and I exhaled, because I'm in awe at how blessed I am to have as much as I do and I should never take that for granted. ​I suggest that you take a moment to reflect as well and don't just wait till your personal "New Years" starts, to do so. Even the most down and out person has something to be thankful for.

Cheers!​

                                                                                      -Jamila Pierre-​

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