Um, no.

I’m sorry if that’s your given name, but I’m just flat out saying that this isn’t going to happen.

The only names I will authorize are the following: J.R. (an oldie, but a goodie), Smitty (holla! JVGisHipHop) or my personal favorite, Golden God.

Ok? Ok, then.

Please to enjoy (start from the bottom and read up):

For the whole rant (yes, there is more), kick it here to one of Ron’s twelve Twitter account pages: http://twitter.com/ThugRaider37

Rondo gets paid
* So Rajon Rondo may like to fight with people. I’m ready and willing to admit that it’s a distinct possibility that he’s a tiny bit of a douchbag. But, you know what? He’s our douchebag and we’re keeping him!

Is there anything more obnoxious than Favre-cam?
* I have to hand it to Brett Favre. He really stuck it to Green Bay. I keep rooting for him to lose and somehow the old bastard just keeps on winning. I’m not even sure exactly why I’m rooting for him lose. It’s just that somewhere along the way, he turned into the bad guy. Over-exposure maybe? The mother-bleeping Favre-cam maybe? Oh yeah, that’s right… Now, I remember.

For every incident they admit, there are at least ten more they don’t
* This Tom Cable story just gets sicker and sicker. He doesn’t just knock assistant coaches around, he beats wives and girlfriends too?

“More than 20 years ago, during my first marriage… I became very angry [at his first wife, Sandy] and slapped her with an open hand. What I did was wrong and I have regretted and felt sorrow about that moment ever since…”

Slapped her with an open hand, huh? Sure, Tom, sure. Major props to the district attorney’s office for dropping those recent assault charges. Because you know, I’m pretty sure that guy just ran into a door.

Manu swats a bat in mid-air
* Am I the only one that feels bad for the bat? While we’re at it, where the hell did a bat come from? And how small was that thing? Was it just a baby bat, frantically search for it’s mother? Sweet Jesus, never mind. I don’t want to think about it anymore.

J.J. has a career night
* I know I’m only supposed to talk about J.J. Redick when someone in the blogosphere mentions Erin Andrews… But, there was that whole time period during the peeping tom thing where Erin was all over the place and I didn’t bring up J.J. once during that time. Mostly because I was too lazy to blog during that time, but still. I’m due and what better time than now when my boy J.J. has a career night for the Orlando Magic. 27 points! 6 rebounds! 5 assists! Pretty nice stats. Of course, one my Facebook friends still had the nerve to ask me, ”You do still know he’s bad though, right?” Tsk tsk! Behave, you!

R.I.P. Trojans
* My USC Trojans got massacred in Oregon this past weekend. My mother, the Michigan fan, took great glee in this. My sister, the Notre Dame fan, also took great glee in this. Damn it! Damn it all to hell! *shaking fist at the sky* I’m a glass half full kind of girl though, so on a happy note… In NFL action, both the Jets and the Giants LOST! Bwahahahaha…

Where to start, where to start… Well, first of all, HELL TO THE YEAH! I’m not gonna lie. I wanted this win bad. Probably more than I should have, in fact. It’s only the first game of the season and I really should pace myself. I think the reason I wanted the Celtics to win this game so badly was because I still had that horrible image in my mind of that game last season with LeBron, Delonte and company clowning around on the bench during a blowout against the Cs in the Q. I was also quite sure if I saw or heard Rick Astley, I was going to throw the remote control so hard through the TV, it was going to land in Timbuktu. I really like my TV, so phew… dodged a bullet on that one.

The game started out rough. The “Celtics look old” and “It’s going to be a long season, Boston” tweets were making me want to cut a bitch. The piss poor defense was giving me Nam flashbacks of the brutal Christmas season stretch last season when they lost all those games out in Cali. And then. And then… and THEN — They crawled back up out of that hole and clawed their way into the game. It started with the bench and then like RIT on a crisp white t-shirt, it seeped its way through the whole team and suddenly the Celtics not only caught up, but had the lead and never looked back.

Make no mistake, LeBron looked phenomenal on the defense end. He was holding a block party and the Celtics were helpless to stop it. Whether it was a speedy gonzalez Rondo layup or a finesse-style (slowish) Ray Allen layup, LeBron was there and having none of it. I’m not a LeBron fan, but it was impossible to watch those plays and not appreciate their beauty. On the offense though, he took too many low percentage shots. When he makes them, he looks great, but he didn’t make enough of them. Yes, I know the box score disagrees with me, but I don’t care. I stand by that statement. I think he takes too many long bombs and doesn’t trust his teammates enough. Bottom line, the Cavs just have a lot of work to do to be a championship-caliber team. Shaq looked like old Shaq in the first quarter, but after that, not so much. I’m not buying the “things would have been different if Delonte had played” excuse either. Maybe, things would have been different if Glen Davis had been there too. So what? Yes, I realize Delonte is their starting 2 guard and BBD is a luxury backup for us, but still… If we can’t blame KG being out for losing Game 7 in the playoffs to Orlando, then Cleveland can’t use this excuse here. It’s weak sauce.

This was a great win and I’m happy about it, but this game left me with plenty of questions about the Celtics and the kind of work they need to do to return to championship form too.

• Paul Pierce was his clutch self as always and I love him for that, but who else is going to step up in crunch time?
• The slow starts, turnovers and mental errors continue from last season. Have to clean that up.
• Rondo needs to play every opposing point guard like he plays Chris Paul. Step it up, kid. Prove you’re worth max money every night and maybe you’ll get it.

ps. Shout out to my boy, Craig Sager. I’ve missed you boo.

Source: celtsfanjay/YouTube

By the way, if this celtsfanjay guy ever decides to pull this video off of YouTube, I’ll cry. I love it that damn much. I have yet to make it very far past the 2:20 mark without welling up. GO CELTICS!

In other news, Leon sounds bitter. I don’t blame him one single bit, but it still makes me wistful.

And, Adrian Wojnarowski doesn’t think Cs will sign Sweets:

[Update 6:50pm: NESN confirms]

More from A-Woj… an interesting article that provides a little insight into last season’s un-ubuntu-like chemistry.

Source: bigmckredsarmy/YouTube

Post-mortem thoughts:

BOS 96, CLE 82

1. Sheed did a great job of pushing people back and keeping the peace during the Williams dustup. Good to see.
2. I am pretty sure I saw the corner of Jimmy Goldstein’s white cowboy hat after the game. It was epic.
3. Right after the game, I attempted to tweet, blog, listen to the Celtics post-game show on CSN-NE and listen to the Red’s Army Two Man Game all at the same time. I’m not gonna lie, it was a challenge. NBA basketball is back, baby! Bring back The Basketball Jones and Craig Sager’s suits and we’re good. Let’s go, let’s go, l-e-t-s-g-o!
4. Perk looks great to me from what I’ve seen so far. I’ve always been a big fan of his game, but he’s definitely kicked it up a notch this year. Really cool to see.
5. There’s talk that Doc might like Sweetney enough to move someone else off the roster and sign him to a contract. All I have to say about that is, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? No offense to Sweetney, but you don’t have the room or $ for Leon Powe, but you have room for that guy? Did Leon pee on Danny Ainge’s Cheerios? Insult his mother? What? WHAT?

My disenchantment started with the dancing around screaming at the camera (directed at fans) to “throw up your 1s” (funny at first, it soon grew ridiculously repetitive). But, I kept telling myself that he’s just looking for acceptance and some sort of sad proof that someone, anyone, had his back. The disillusionment continued though, with the constant self-promotion on Twitter and the RT-ing of every inane @reply message that supported his message. Finally, I decided enough was enough and stopped following him on Twitter. Big deal, right? Well, it was in a way. Because it takes a lot to make me give up on someone. Particularly someone so obviously desperate for support.

But, I do believe I’ve come full circle. Stephon Marbury is who I thought he was.

This article was the final straw:

Marbury, who played part of last season with the Boston Celtics after his messy divorce from the New York Knicks ended with a buyout, went unsigned as a free agent this offseason after turning down Boston’s $1.3 million veteran minimum offer.

“I’m resting, doing what Michael Jordan did, enjoy life, do things I haven’t done in 16 years, keep building my empire,” Marbury said, according to the Post. “I wasn’t going to Boston for that money. It was a prudent business decision to take off this year.” [ESPN-Boston, Report: Marbury plans 2010-11 return]

The quote is from the Post, so normally I would say take it for what’s it’s worth, but in this case, I know it’s true.

I wasn’t going to Boston for that money.

Holy ego. People kept saying that the Ustream/Justin.tv shows were the reason Steph didn’t go back to the NBA this season. That he ruined his chances by eating Vaseline and the like. I knew that wasn’t true. He turned the NBA down first. Specifically, he turned the Boston Celtics down first and when he realized no big money offers were coming, it was then that he “shut it down.” Why? Because he didn’t get enough playing time last season. How do I know that? Because I was watching. More than once he opined about the “splinters in his ass” and how the whole situation was a test of his sanity and willpower.

According to the article, Steph plans to come back to the NBA for the 2010-11 season. Mmmm, yeah.

Good luck with that.

What a weekend

Those damn Yankees
* My mom is a true believer. She thinks the Angels have a ghost’s chance in hell of beating the Yankees and getting to the world series. I think she’s crazy. As much as it makes me want to vomit in my mouth a little, the Yankees are clearly the front-runners to win the world series. Oh sweet bloody hell, I think a bolt of lightning just zapped me dead. I can’t finish this thought. I just hope I jinxed them by saying that. *fingers crossed*

Disclaimer: If you don’t watch The Hills, skip this paragraph
* First of all, I know this show is scripted and stupid and most of the people on it are nitwits. That being said, I just have to post some observations and get them out there so they aren’t rattling around in my head anymore. 1 – Since when have Kristin and Spencer’s bimbo bartender been BFF? Suddenly they’re hanging out all the time and the show never bothers to explain why. WTF? 2 – How awkward are those scenes with Audrina, Lo and Stephanie? There’s no good reason that combo would ever be together. Over the years, Lo was never around anyone unless Lauren was there. Come on, MTV. We know it’s not real-real, but still.

Domination. Hello, my friend. I have missed you SO MUCH! Don’t leave me again for so long next time, ok?

And to those who say the Patriots ran up the score, I just have to say… *yawn* Take that weak sauce outta here.

Nobody gives a rat’s ass if you quit Twitter. While we’re on the subject, stop deleting your Twitter and then changing your mind and creating a new one. That’s stupid. Assuming anyone cares about you enough to follow you twice, it’s still an extra step that you shouldn’t force your fans to take. If you say something on Twitter that makes you sound like a nitwit, just realize that you can never get it back. You must live with it being “out there” like all the times you drunk dialed celebrities more famous than you from Paris Hilton’s Sidekick. If you do decide to leave though, just go away quietly. Don’t put out a press release or in any way advertise your departure… and for the motherfreakin love of James Posey and all that is holy, don’t produce a rap video about it.

No, I wasn’t following Miley Cyrus on Twitter because I’m not 12 years old. But, her stupid “Here’s why I quit Twitter” YouTube rap video did inspire this post.

Oh, you think I’m just lecturing celebrities about their Twitter habits to avoid discussing the double tragedy that took place last Sunday? Ok fine, you would be right.

R.I.P. 2009 Red Sox season.

Patriots still have a chance to get their shit together though. Come on, Tom Brady. Chop chop mister!