Movie Reviews

I've been busy working on a television pitch

noreply@blogger.com (Riley Smith - Film Studies) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 03:44:00 +0000

Sorry for the lapse between reviews, but I've been slaving away at my latest project and what could be my big break: I'm going to produce a television show.

Here it is: Our show begins when two lives converge. A Korean exchange student, Dong, gets peer-pressured into putting his penis into a magic bullet. Fifteen seconds and his penis is turned into wiener salsa. Needless to say, Dong is rushed to the hospital.

Across town: A Nigerian stripper is on stage when suddenly he is bit by a poisonous spider. He also is rushed hospital but it's too late. He's dead, and the poison has destroyed his whole body... except for his penis. His penis was preserved by the *rooster* ring that was slowing circulation to his, you know, rooster.

Luckily these doctors were as ambitious as Robocop's doctors and the Six Million Dollar Man's doctors, so they got a little bit crazy and what you end up with is:

BLACK DONG!

I'm thinking C.S. Lee, you know, Masuka from Dexter. Brilliant, right? So this guy fights crime for 22 minutes every week. Look for it on HBO Canada.

One Knight Is Like The Next

noreply@blogger.com (Riley Smith - Film Studies) — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 18:35:00 +0000

Some of us don't have the time or money to see The Dark Knight right now, and some of us are still dealing with social anxiety that prevents us from sitting in crowded movie theatres. If you're one of us, here are a few Knight-themed movies that you can watch at home this weekend.

Black Knight - 2001
Nothing is darker than black, so this is technically The Darkest Knight. I actually find it easier to relate to this movie, as Jamal Walker is much more down-to-earth than Bruce Wayne.

Also, The Dark Knight gets a little carried away with its high-tech weaponry, whereas The Black Knight proves that medieval England could be won simply by introducing those scurvied peasants to golf, boxing, and football. Also, 14th century Europe was so gloomy, with all the syphillis, and Martin Lawrence was just the guy to bring the Wassup back to the Wasps.

This is 95 minutes, well spent. Aight?

A Knight's Tale - 2001

There are at least ten things I love about this movie. There is Oscar-talk for Heath Ledger, but personally I think if he was denied for this movie then the Academy is punishing him for something. Either way, this movie is a perfect substitute for Batman.

Maybe I just love a modern twist on the Renaissance, but this movie is great. Ledger, sans make-up, plays a peasant squire who poses as a knight after his master dies. (Funny, considering that Heath's assistant landed all the roles for the movies that he is now unable to make.)

I can't write much more without giving it all away, but I will say that it shows real movie-making talent to end a medieval movie with a Queen song.

You won't see everything you need to see in the 132 minute version, so opt for the extended 144 minute version.

The Incredible Hulk's Incredible Secret

noreply@blogger.com (Riley Smith - Film Studies) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 02:17:00 +0000

Oh my goodness, I can't believe I missed it before. I watched the Hulk again tonight and I can't believe I missed all the signs the first time: The Incredible Hulk is autistic.

It didn't hit me until Hulk's nemesis exposed himself to the same gamma poisoning, and he could talk just fine. He was even kind of witty. But Hulk just yells. Out of frustration, social frustration! He is such a textbook example of autism; the strength, the temper, and the poor linguistic skills despite such scientific inclination.

As someone who grew up with an autistic brother, I should have been able to see the struggle in Hulk's eyes, and the fear that people have when they think he might freak out and punch somebody. Jason, I should take you to see this movie, so you can see that autism isn't a sentence, you aren't destined to be with a woman with the same affliction like Corky in Life Goes On, you could bang somebody from Empire Records.

The Incredible Hulk

noreply@blogger.com (Riley Smith - Film Studies) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 16:20:00 +0000

I went to see The Incredible Hulk this weekend, and it started out really well. Then I had a strange feeling, like I was being scammed. It was as if I had seen this "Hulk" character somewhere before. It turns out they made a Hulk movie in 2003. They assumed we had forgotten or something.

So then I thought, "how far could they have gone with this plagiarism?" It turns out that the Hulk has already been a comic book and a television show! Ridiculous, really.That got me mad, but not as mad as I was at the movie theatre. Some guy behind me was kicking my seat and chewing on a twizzler like the twizzler was giving him five dollars when it was over. I was so mad that I wanted to turn around and threaten this guy, but when I get mad I stay the same size, and I have asthma, so I just kept watching the movie.

You don't want to mess with me when I'm angry. Please.

Luckily I had a chance for a double-feature that day, because I walked in to The Happening while it was already... happening. It was so bad that I was speechless, but I couldn't stop watching it; it was like I was paralyzed. By the end I had an uncontrollable urge to kill myself, brutally.

Go see Kung Fu Panda.

Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay

noreply@blogger.com (Riley Smith - Film Studies) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 17:42:00 +0000

Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay is a sequel to the 2004 comedy Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle.

In this installment, Harold Cho, a studious banker takes leave of his lonely career-driven life to follow a new love interest to Amsterdam. Constantly tripping him up is, of course, Kumar, his smart yet unmotivated friend who also ends up looking for love.

Unlike most movies, which focus on the goal they start with, they put Harold's quest on the back burner, until the last two minutes when they discover, "Oh there she is," but Kumar's journey for love climaxes with much more drama.

SPOILER ALERT: He crashes her wedding.

I hate when people crash weddings in movies. For one, they're expensive. Second of all, I wouldn't pursue a girl who was ready to marry the man in the tux, then end up kissing the guy who ran in wearing a t-shirt.

First of all, it would make any future weddings tense. I'd be standing at the front of the church thinking, "Did I lock all the doors?" I'd have no guys standing beside me because they'd be guarding the entrance. That's no way to start a marriage.

That's bad enough before you consider the financial aspects. A wedding costs thousands of dollars, and if I think her ex-boyfriend (with the great timing) is going to come grab her and run off with her because they've both watched The Graduate and thought it could work, I'm not eating a hundred plates of chicken. You can thank Miss Indecisive for the à la carte menu at my wedding.

Plus, if she needs me to run in and break up her wedding instead of taking the time to talk to her finance, how much lazier is she going to get in the future? If she can't break up with an absolute douche-bag, I can't imagine she's making anything great for dinner.

Go see the movie though, it's pretty good.

The Game Plan

noreply@blogger.com (Riley Smith - Film Studies) — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 06:15:00 +0000

I'm thinking Any Given Sunday meets Three Men and a Baby. What's funnier than a big crazy football player getting torn out of his life to face the wacky world of parenting? Nothing. Based on what I know about football players, I'd probably only like this movie for the dogfighting scenes. How embarrassed will that pooch be when it shows up to fight in a tutu? I mean, come on, hilarious! And imagine all the hijinks a little girl can cause when she finds that bag of powder in dad's car and bakes it into a cake: hilarity times a thousand! Then, usually around the time I have to leave the theatre to whiz, the Rock, whose life has been torn apart by his new child screams, "Enough!" and gets rid of the kid. She cries, he pretends he doesn't care. They part ways, they both stare out the window, it's raining, the rain makes him sad and he takes her back and he just gets used to some snot-nosed kid ruining his life. Everyone wins.

The Hills

noreply@blogger.com (Riley Smith - Film Studies) — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 13:30:00 +0000

Okay, so like I know the Hills is like totally not a movie, but it is so sick that it could, you know what I mean, like, totally BE a movie. When Justin Bobby totally reappeared into Audrina's life I was all like, "shut up." That's all for now bitches.

Stomp The Yard

noreply@blogger.com (Riley Smith - Film Studies) — Sun, 13 May 2007 18:11:00 +0000

If the movie Bring It On had a three-way with an Adidas commercial and A Different World, you'd have a similar movie with a little bit more plot. The entire story was stolen, the theft made clear when the rich boyfriend proposes just as his girl is falling in love with the underdog. (Son in Law) And all the dance videos were a clear rip off of Bergman's Sjunde inseglet, Det (The Seventh Seal) But Tynessa (my girlfriend) really liked it, until they killed Chris Brown. I liked that part too. I also liked when unresolved dancing lead to gunfire. Why couldn't they have started with the guns? Then--if you didn't get shot--you actually have a reason to dance.

Shhh... It's a Secret

noreply@blogger.com (Riley Smith - Film Studies) — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 23:20:00 +0000

A friend begged me and I agreed to postpone my suicide until I gave this movie a chance. It worked, mostly because I fell asleep, so don't ask me what it's about. To me, it's still a secret. Though I did wake up feeling refreshed and ready to tackle my gambling debt. Maybe the secret is sleeping at least once a night. Tynessa tried to explain it to me but she just kept saying, "If you want stuff, you get, like, the stuff. But only if you want it. And the one guy wrote a book about soup."