What I really need, more than anything, is some clarity on my career. If I was offered the option, would I be a stay at home mum? That, and a bigger car into which our pram can actually fit. Talk about simplifying your life – when it costs stress and back twinges just to figure out how to fit both children and the pram into the tiny car, something is out of kilter. Unfortunately, we can’t afford a new pram (nor, a new car).

This beauty is Shirley Maclaine in The Children’s Hour. It (the cardigan, not Ms Mclaine) is the inspiration for…

this beauty. Blue Sky Alpaca Silk, in a dot stitch, which is the kind of knitting one wishes would never end. And in my case, waiting for an hour without children to progress it, it probably never will.

Well I do my best thinking by writing (and I’m thinking, the less I write the less I think?), so I’ll just follow the process as I’m writing here and now, and let’s see what comes out at the end… I had no idea this would prove so difficult! Nor that i would feel so uncomfortable writing about things like this. As a result my writing is clunky and clumsy, I feel self-conscious, embarrassed…

I like to make things with my hands. I like to parent. I like to feel part of a community, to feel like my voice is heard. I like to write, to communicate effectively. I like to cook good food, and share it. I like to make things look nice – I’m motivated by beauty I guess or at least a certain aesthetic.

I’m going to start out with a list of ‘value words’ (ugh) that resonate with me. Then I’ll try a narrowing them down, perhaps that will get me there…

Acceptance • Compassion • Contentment • Wealth • Sufficiency • Pacifism • Friendliness • Gratitude • Community • Hope • Sensitivity • Nurturing • Thoughtfulness • Mindfulness • Family • Growth • Integrity • Courage • Perseverence • Ambition • Creativity • Authenticity • Fun • Humour • Wisdom • Understanding • Patience • Balance • Accomplishment • Respect

You see why this is so difficult for me? It feels like a mind-readers trick, smoke and mirrors. Onwards…

But when I look at that list, yes, I see myself there. I am a liberal, certainly, and certainly life’s experience has borne out a strong creative streak. There’s also this conundrum of being an ‘extroverted introvert’ – I have in the past been cripplingly shy, still find it difficult to make meaningful connections, yet desperately need external input and (dare I say it) approval in order to feel like any accomplishments or endeavours are real. I own that I seek the approval of others, that I need to feel respected and valued.

The next step of the task is to narrow this long list down to just five, and while I’m at it, I’ll try to rank them:

• Gratitude: This is more than a value to me, it is necessary to maintain my mental health. When I forget to count my blessings, a chink of darkness opens through which depression can (and does) leak. One of the first signs I am on a downward slope is when I find myself pining – pining for things or accomplishments of others, wishing for what I could have (or feel entitled to) – and one of the first lines of defence is to remember just how lucky I am, in almost countless ways.

• Accomplishment: For me this goes hand in hand with creativity, which saves me having to list creativity separately. It is easy for this to slip into perfectionism, but one must admit that there is a great pleasure to be had in… what is the word… virtuosity. It is great to try new things, of course, but for me the pleasure is greater in working at one thing until I am really accomplished at it.

• Perseverance: This is something I value and admire so wholeheartedly in others, but an area where I personally need to do some work. I tend to give up on things that don’t come easy (except for parenting of course, but there’s no ‘out’), or when things don’t go my way.

• Community: Try as I might, I am not self-sufficient. I depend on encouragement, positive feedback, the kindness of others. Brad, it seems to me, would be quite happy if all his life he only had to interact with his family and a few friends, he can go days without stepping out of the house and never feel claustrophobic. For me, I have to feel I exist in society, that somebody outside my family might notice if I disappeared.

• Family: What? Family is not number 1? Of course in all practical and every-day respect, my children are my highest priority. It goes without saying that I love them to distraction and think about them constantly – I am rarely happier than when all four of us are dozing quietly in one big bed on a lazy weekend morning. I work at my family too… I work hard at being the best parent I can be (even though I’m often very far from that).

Oh, there are so many that should have been in the final 5! I could not live without creativity, it will always be part of who I am, even down to the words I choose to phrase my argument in a debate! And acceptance, it took me so long to be able to truly accept myself, and others, and I still strive to look beyond first impressions and assume the best intentions of others. Thoughtfulness will always be part of me, I am a quiet and contemplative person (well, as much as one can be with young children) and so perhaps will always be prone enough to ‘over analysing’ without pursuing it as a named value.

So difficult. So uncomfortable. So hit ‘publish’.

Then I got the ‘Toast‘ catalogue, and you know you’ve neglected your knitting too long when you consider spending money you really can’t spare on a simple scarf you could knit yourself with barely a thought.

Well, the money I couldn’t spare wouldn’t even stretch to scrumptious yarn – I would have loved to have made this in Malabrigo Rasta but had to go for the economy option. In this case, James C Brett Marble Chunky in some purple shades. For many years purple seemed altogether too… purple, too hippy, too patchouli, too eccentric; but for some reason now it seems just right.

After seeing Minnie Driver in The Riches (the funeral scene) I wanted it long, long enough to still be long even when wrapped around my neck. In fact, having forgotten that rib stretches lengthwise, it may be too long… I’m considering ripping back a foot of it and redoing the fringe. If you haven’t fringed or tasselled anything recently, I recommend it. It’s quick and fun and transported me to the ’70s, a child playing with the tassles on candlewick bedspreads, among, no doubt, other things.

Flex fringed scarf
James C Brett Marble Chunky shade 19, 1.5 skeins
7mm needles – cast on 47sts, work in mistake rib for 120 inches, cast off. Add fringe

2011 was a year of highs and lows. The most notable high was the birth in October of our beautiful daughter Audrey – who is currently watching her nappies go round and round in the washing machine – and a desperate low being the horrifying symptoms experienced in the aftermath. Both will no doubt continue to be themes in 2012, I am determined to make a full recovery and be able to get out of the house! Audrey doesn’t mind at all if we don’t go to the park – but for a busy four-year-old, an almost housebound mum is not a fun mum.

I also need to figure out a way to make a feasible living. At present, I’m doing bits and pieces of knitwear design and bits and pieces of copywriting, but not enough of either to really keep the wolf from the door. Worry about money is an exhausting and tedious type of worry. I know these are lean times for us all, but I think if I could make a decent fist of earning a living in 2012, it will set the family in good stead for 2013 and beyond.

My friend Deb is running a 52-week challenge to ‘simplify your life’ over on her blog. Whether or not what my life needs is simplifying… I could certainly do with some clarity and consideration in all sorts of areas, so I’m going to be following – and blogging – along.

So here is my response to the first challenge – a summary of things that were great in 2011:

In February, we had a great ski trip. It was my Dad’s 70th birthday gift to himself, to take all six of his children ski-ing. Of course Brad came too and so did Stan. I only wish we could afford to go every year! I was so desperately anxious about the journey, but that in itself was the catalyst for positive change and I pursued Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to address a debilitating phobia. Ski-ing with Stan was one of the best things I’ve ever done. The ‘beginner’ runs at our resort were far more challenging than other nursery runs I have skied, and it took strength, stamina, courage and patience to get us all from top to bottom safely. And then there was the wonderful moment in summer, when Stan looked down at the top of his vanilla ice cream cone, and said ‘Mum this is where we went ski-ing, isn’t it?’

Another high point was our holiday to the Isle of Wight, staying in caravans with our friends and their little boy. The happiness, stickiness, grubbiness of two boys allowed to play for hours outdoors with minimal supervision, stays with me. Eating a picnic in the car because it’s raining at the beach, sand underfoot, buckets and spades… if only the weather in the UK was just a touch more reliable, we’d really have no need to go anywhere else.

I was so grateful to my family this year. Throughout my pregnancy, immediately postpartum, and then in the days and weeks following, they have been incredible support through the most extreme emotional roller coaster.

It’s really been so much about family this year – no surprise, I suppose, as 11 out of the 12 months were defined by pregnancy, birth, or babies. Of course it is hard going from a family of three to a family of four… but equally, in the early morning when both children have found their way into our bed, and there’s four of us dozing, heavy, sleepy arms flung around each other, I think I’ve never been happier.

And it feels good too to know that the urge to have children is satiated now. We are done at two, so grateful for them both, and grateful that we won’t go through it again.

In my professional life, such as it is, I was happy to be included in some ex-colleagues plans for us all to get more work in. I’m not a terribly confident person, so when someone says “I’m glad you’re going to be in this, it makes it better,” that is a huge vindication. When someone recommends you to a client… it proves I’m better than I think I am. I’ve been lucky to work with a couple of great clients, and some great people… now I need more. More of the same, or more of something different – but more. Career was almost entirely on the back burner in 2011 – in 2012 I need to find a new niche, and be brave.

For so many months this little cardigan has sat upon Clothilde the dress form, I’m now at the stage that I can’t see for looking. It’s worked in one piece with just a little colourwork (a leaf motif) around the yoke for interest. I’m in two minds whether to take out the neckband and have a slightly lower, wider neck, or just go with it as is.

And the yellow out of grey. I love the combination (the yellow 4ply is held in combination with a strand of gold lurex thread), but fear the two shades may be just too close in tone for it to photograph effectively.

So in summary, I think… I think, pretty. Pretty with a white button down and a dirndle skirt. Pretty for the office, pretty at the weekend.

A little wire haired fox terrier toy makes a traditional gift for a boy or girl, and makes a passable substitute for a frustrated dog owner.

The inspiration for this little one (named Barbara, in case you were wondering) was a beautiful Steiff toy for which there was no money in the budget. We could stretch to three skeins of chunky yarn though. Practice your intarsia, and don’t worry if the patches turn out a little different to the original.

Remember you can get any THREE Needle & Hook patterns for the price of two by using the discount code SUMMERSALE11 in the checkout process.

Knitted in chunky weight wool/acrylic blend. (sample shown in Wendy Mode Chunky 100gm • 140m/153yd

Tension: 20sts/30 rows in Stocking stitch on 3mm (US 3) needles to 10cm/4in

First published 2011.

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I’m immensely fond of knits that are frayed, decayed, falling apart with years of use: there is no more fitting and dignified end for a knit. Even a lace shawl snagged on a fence on a Highlands walk – far better than sitting forgotten for decades in the bottom of a drawer.

This pattern, Small Rabbit with Sweater (Ravelry link), is better known in our home as Robert. I’ve knit the pattern (sans sweater, because nobody wears a sweater in bed) in its entirety four times, as well as a number of body parts – replacement arms, legs and ears. For about 3.5 years now, Robert has been a member of our family. He has travelled with us almost everywhere we have been (just last week, Robert was the only one who could staunch the tears on the beach when sand was firmly rubbed in to the eyes of his best friend). When Robert gets lost in a dark bedroom, we all wake up to find him, a 3am adrenaline hit, followed immediately by comfort, and sleep.

We started out with three Roberts, one was misplaced, replaced, found again, then two lost; before our holiday last week we were down to two Roberts, both looking rather the worse for wear. His feet and paws are chewed on at bedtime, and become gangrenous; to look at him is to start to limp. His ears are stroked, smoothed, rubbed over a sleepy boy’s eyes and inevitably start to wear. So before we left I needed to refurbish the two remaining Roberts and create a new one to bring us back to our usual complement of three.

I love Robert, truly, and relative to the amount of love he receives, per stitch, he has been an economical knit. I love his doleful expression, and how Stanley yet insists he is happy, and wearing a smile. But this new baby will be encouraged to take a muslin cloth as a lovey – or at most, a simple square of cotton garter stitch.

Even Vogue magazine recognised the importance of the Obi belt this season. Whether you use it to add a little vim to a simple tee and skirt combination, or to cinch in the waist of a voluminous button-down worn over cigarette pants, this is a really useful little accessory. Great for pear- and hourglass-shapes, and to lend curves to the straight-up-and-down.

Remember you can get any THREE Needle & Hook patterns for the price of two by using the discount code SUMMERSALE11 in the checkout process.

Knitted in aran weight 100% cotton. (sample shown in Rowan Handknit Cotton 50gm • 84m/91yd • 2 (2: 2: 3: 3: 4) balls

Tension: 22sts/40 rows in Tweed Stitch pattern on 4mm (US 6) needles to 10cm/4in

First published 2011.

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I’ve always found it hard to make quick decisions, to trust my gut. Perhaps because my gut is notoriously unpredictable and utterly untrustworthy. But this tendency to over-think is reaching new heights as a parent. The stakes being, I suppose, so much higher.

This week I’m faced with a decision about nursery provision for my precious boy. To leave him where he is or change him to a new place. Extensive lists of pros and cons have been drawn up. Tears (many) have been shed. The various options each have potential to be very wrong, or very right, and I am sorely wishing for a sign, a fairy godmother, a flash of inspiration – anything to bring resolution, and relief.

So, while I try to predict the future (will she be an easy baby, or difficult? Will Stan be happier at a new place, or where he is? Will our businesses thrive, or flounder?) I knit. This beautiful yarn was a birthday gift from my aunt, who handed it to me with the words, “I know you don’t need any more yarn…” She’s right, of course, but who couldn’t find space for this exquisitely dyed sock yarn, which is turning into a ‘February’ baby cardigan. I would link to you the dyer but alas she does not have a website – a pity, as stuff of this quality deserves a wider audience. The shade is predominantly green with flecks of pink, burgundy, blue, grey, dried-leaf-yellow: an impressionist’s summer wildflower meadow.

anna
x

PS: Interested parties may wish to note that the Doe Hare Sweater (originally published in Yarn Forward 36) is now available for sale. I have heard comments to the effect that large intarsia motifs should only be worn by kiddies, to which I say ‘pah!’ Large intarsia motifs should be worn by anyone for whom they provoke a smile. And if this one leaves you stony-faced, in this pattern you still have a wardrobe staple of a classic v-neck with some interesting details in the rib and the shaping – just omit the hare. Neither she nor I will be the least offended.

Next up is a really lovely Obi style belt, previewed here (top right). Not perfect for apple shapes, I grant you, but wonderful for a pear shape atop an A-line skirt, or to emphasise the waist on an hourglass or athletic figure.