NeighborGoodies

Party's Over

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 17:04:00 +0000

Dear NeighborGoodies Enthusiasts...

It is with mixed emotions that I must announce the end of this blog as you and I know it. Senselessly cut down in its prime, Neighborgoodies initially started off as a simple writing exercise, but quickly evolved into a frightening, fact-based look at life in the Hollywood Hills, and its impact will no doubt be felt for generations to come.

So why stop now?

Easy: I got tired of waiting to perish at the hands of one of the many murderers who lived in luxury with me, so I moved. I moved away from the nightmare apartment manager and her yippy dogs; I moved away from the dozens of loud sociopaths that constituted the "tenants" of the building; And, unfortunately, I moved away from the endless piles of Awesome on the Big, Blue table.

But this isn't the end--it's the beginning!

The beginning of what? Well, who the hell knows. I'm embarking on what is sure to be one of the most hellish summers in existence. But after that, I'm sure something will start to happen at some point. And then we'll be at the beginning of whatever that things is. Circle of life, people. Circle of life.

Anyway, until that happens, let's celebrate the legacy that NeighborGoodies leaves behind with this handy-dandy video:

If you still can't get enough, feel free to have a look at some of your top ten favorite NeighborGoodies Posts (as chosen by me) right here:

10. "The Last Dance"

As I said, one of the reasons I started this blog was to challenge myself to write a story based on whatever accursed objects showed up. This hamster cage spawned a tale of celebrity, fame and death. Not bad for something made of plastic and filled with wood chips.

9. "The Bold Shoulder"

Canister after canister of shoulder-pads--an amazing find that proved the 80's never really died, they were just placed on the NeighborGoodies Table.

8. "Thyme's Square"

This was one of the first "homemade" Goodies I found... and to this day, I'm pissed at myself for not taking it.

7. "In The Bag"

A collection of purses takes us on a journey through a young woman's life. Hilarity, or something like it, ensues.

6. "Don't Play With Your Food"

Inside of a box marked "Plays," I found the key to keeping life full of spice.

5. "Gurl, Put Your Records On...the Table"

The gayest pile of records you'll ever see.

4. "The Only Thing We Have To Fear..."

Fear is a terrible, irrational thing. And so is this post.

3. "Battle of the Axes"

For all the discussion of murderers everywhere on this blog--this was the first time an actual killer was placed on the NeighborGoodies Table. And while it scared the living hell out of me, the thing that surprised me the most was how long it took for a Manson to show up.

2. "For Blowing NOSES Only"

By far, the most bone chilling of all the NeighborGoodies. This thing is just...beyond wrong.

1. "Vase Anatomy"

What can I say about this unassuming pile of boobness, other than it is probably the most expensive NeighborGoodie to ever make its way down to the Big Blue Table. And therefore, the most infuriating.

Did I leave YOUR favorite off the list? Feel free to leave a comment here with your most cherished NeighborGoodies memories.

Thanks for reading my ramblings lo these many moons... and I look forward to entertaining you via some other form and some point someday.

Until then, you can get your fill of people's unwanted nonsense at places like Found Magazine, Yard Sale Bloodbath, and Significant Objects.

And stay tuned--perhaps NeighborGoodies will live on in another form beginning this fall....

Or perhaps it won't. Good Day!

International Week!

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 15:57:00 +0000

It's International Week™ at NeighborGoodies! What makes it International™?

Well, it was St. Patrick's Day yesterday, and that's Irish. And today, there's a bunch of Mexican stuff on the Big Blue Table. How much more International can we be?

Clearly, one of the people Living in Luxury here in the Hollywood Hills considers themselves a world traveler, just because they popped down to Tijuana for the weekend.

Behold these two sets of Authentic Mexican Maracas...
...along with, for some reason, a bunch of thread. INTERNATIONAL THREAD, I BET!

I'm no Sewing Artist, but I bet someone with some talent could make a sexy little dress out of that thread. An international dress, perhaps:

The Mexican Salsa-Diva NeighborGooder also may have created these items, as they reek of international homemade nonsense:

I have no idea what this pink hat thing is supposed to be...

..but the item next to it is, undoubtedly...

...a taco. Made of fabric. With yellow felt cheese, tomatoes...even a scallion! All wrapped neatly inside a black (possibly tweed) shell.

Now I'm no cook, but even I know you can't eat a taco made out of felt. It's likely this could have started off as a real International Taco, was taken across the border as a leftover, and now, heaven-only-knows how many months later, some sort of rot-related molecular-shift occurred. (They don't use preservatives like we do here in The States... perhaps they should start.)

Of course, it's also entirely likely that this NeighborGooder never left Los Angeles, and picked up all of these things at a terrible "Tex-Mex" chain restaurant:

And if that's the case, well... this wasn't a very International™ post at all.

Umm... waitress?

Check, por favor.

Orange You In Love?

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 16:57:00 +0000

I think we all know how exciting it is to find a box of something on the NeighborGoodies Table. Why, they're could be anything inside...

...well, anything except an actual fresh and juicy orange, that is. As I gazed upon this tin of citrus amazement, I couldn't help but wonder what it contained...

and whether it would, indeed, eat the fruit of the orchard. Could this thing contain some sort of blight designed to wipe out the citrus crop? I was terrified to open it--I certainly wouldn't want to cause a nationwide bout of scurvy by unleashing whatever orchard-eating organism could be inside! Is this a true-life Pandora's Box right here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills?

I briefly considered just leaving it be, but then common sense took over and I opened it to discover...

...a sack of Valentine's Day Sweethearts. Valentine's Day has a track record of being pretty bleak here in the land of NeighborGoodies. And based on the rest of the items surrounding these Message Hearts, I'm going to go ahead and assume that this VD was no different--it just took longer for the evidence to appear. Imagine if you will a romantic dinner:

Girl makes delicious dinner for Boy.
Boy brings an assortment of gifts for Girl. Many of which involve flowers and candy. One of which involves this item to rest whatever dessert Girl has made:

"Girls Love To Feel Special," is the inscription here, but the implied message reads "...when they are allowed to serve their man dessert."

Now I love cake as much as the next guy, but giving your lady this cake server for Valentine's Day is just asking for trouble.... and for a night on the sofa with only a burlap sack for warmth:

Personally... I'd rather have scurvy.

Round, Round Robins

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 17:18:00 +0000

A few weeks ago, a million billion records showed up on the NeighborGoodies Table:

Now, as we all know, vinyl is dead (much like those records' original gay owner, I suspect) but one person managed to breathe new life into some of these musty old musicals.

Behold:

As the longtime reader(s) of this blog know, there's an Artsy Neighbor in the building who sometimes takes pieces from the NegihborGoodies table to make his own creations.

Apparently, he decided to share his art this time, taking the records from a few weeks ago and turning them into some sort of tribute to Alfred Hitchcock and Tippi Hedrin:

I'm not really sure what possessed him to paint over the Gayest LP's in the Universe...

...but one thing's for sure: The B-side to this Mary Poppins soundtrack is... For The Birds!

GET IT? Cuz he painted BIRDS on it!

ahem... oksorry.

Go Team Go!

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 19:14:00 +0000

Before I begin ranting about today's items, I want to give a big shout-out to Jenny over at Yard Sale Bloodbath. Jenny shares my passion for other people's used nonsense and she's always been a big supporter of NeighborGoodies. In fact, she was our first major plug a while back (check it out here.) Well, last week, Jenny did it again, this time alerting the media to the Most Alarming NeighborGoodie Ever. A reporter from Seattle's own The Stranger picked up the story for the Slog, causing a million billion people from the Seattle area to pop over to our little corner of the internet.

So... hello to our new Pacific Northwest friends, and thanks Jenny! And thanks also to Blog Will Eat Itself, a new "occasional blog blogging obscure blogs," which featured NeighborGoodies last week as well:

Of course, they also chose to prominently feature that terrifying Baby Gl*ry H*le in all its... well, "gl*ry." But we love the love, so thanks!

These exciting developments prove that with Teamwork, we can Achieve the Extraordinary! Or, at least, that's what this lovely out-of-date calendar would have you believe:

This 2009 planner was, for some reason, given to someone in the building by their dentist. Because nothing says Teamwork quite like a fluoride treatment. Remember: It Takes Two to Rinse™.

This is one of those things that winds up on the Table for no good reason. Who the hell wants a planner that's a year old? The person who had this has a trash can in their apartment: Use it. Do they think someone, somewhere in the building is just camping out in the laundry room thinking, "Why spend money on a planner? One will turn up. The year doesn't matter; the months all have the same number of days in them! It's not a leap year, so fuck it!"

It's about as likely as someone thinking, "I need a dentist. If only one's name and number would appear on some trash in the Laundry Room, I could finally get this root canal and stop living my life in blinding pain! OH LOOK! IT'S MY LUCKY DAY!! Optimum Dentistry, Here I Come!"

No. None of this is happening. Throw. It. Away. IN THE TRASH. Before I knock the rest of your teeth out, idiot.

Go Team!

...

Oh... sorry. Didn't mean to lash out there. Anyway, the Teamwork planner was on the Table inside of this bag...

...along with what the 99-cent store refers to as "Art."

"Framed Art," to be exact.

Some of the Framed Art is generic enough...

...and some of it is, well...this:

... and the rest of it? Well, I'm glad you asked. Because the rest of it is truly Life Enhancing.

I don't know about you, but I very often find myself looking toward the Marvel Universe in order to find ways to achieve greatness within my own life.

For example, I had a fear of commitment until I saw this:

It reads "Commitment: To fight when others fold, pursue while others retreat, conquer while others quit, and make right when all else is wrong." Thanks, Fantastic Four, for making me not fear commitment any longer. Especially you, Chris Evans. Especially you.

Ahem. Anyway, if the Fantastic Four aren't quite your style, Spidey has the same message for you:

So if webbing doesn't frighten you, this Framed Art would be perfect for your home or office.

The good folks at Marvel noted that were armed with a vast library of characters and an unending stream of cheesy sayings, s0 the Possibilities of more Motivational Posters were endless:

See?

But as Spidey was told in his first movie... With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility, so you don't want to saturate the market, or else these things might wind up in dollar stores across the nation...

...before being thrown out in a passive-aggressive way.

All of these things have inspired me to create my own motivational art... for you:

Well... I'm sure as hell motivated. Aren't you?

Gurl, Put Your Records On...The Table.

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 06:03:00 +0000

Today, a gigantic pile of records--over fifty of them--are hanging out on the Big, Blue Table.

I, for one, love a good vinyl; It's kind of like listening to your MP3s in black and white. Of course, I don't have a record player anymore, mainly because it's 2010 and mine broke sometime before NBC became the never-ending tire-fire of network television.

But enough about that, let's talk about these gay records.

No, I'm not quoting an eighth grader; I mean these records are actually gay...

...Like, super-gay.

If they could, these records would go to a rave, dance with their shirts off and then go and pose for the No H8 Campaign:

Note: Please click on the above record for maximum hilarity.

It's as if whoever owned these records went to the Gay Store, asked for the Gay Store's "Stereotypical Stereophonic" section and fully cleaned the Gay Store out of their Gay Stock of lavish Broadway musical soundtracks...

...and any other gay icons he could get his hands on. He no doubt began with the Village People...

...LOTS of Village People, in fact...

...before moving on to even gayer icons such as Judy Garland...

...Barbra Streisand...
...and Burl Ives:
Oh, you may think Burl Ives isn't a gay icon, but you'd be wrong. First of all, you know those hats on that album cover are fabulous. And secondly, here's photographic proof of Gay Icon Rock Hudson...

Image found over at Queer Music Heritage

...with a Burl Ives record on his floor.

Now, I'm not saying the records left on the Big, Blue Table were Rock Hudson's...

...but I'm not saying they weren't, either.

So why would someone get rid of what may or may not be Sexy Star Rock Hudson's Big Gay Record Collection?

One word: HomoShame.

I have it. And clearly a Neighbor of mine does as well. Finally, something in common with these rubes.

For Blowing NOSES Only

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 17:45:00 +0000

Yesterday, NeighborGoodies celebrated its second year in existence. And, as if to commemorate this milestone, the following item was left on the Big, Blue Table:

This seemingly innocent-looking cardboard box features a wacky font announcing its contents:

"Ahh," I thought, "Create your own tissue box! A craft project! How exciting!"

I've got friends who knit things that will cover your tissues and toilet paper rolls, but I've never seen an actual "kit" to create my own. Curious, I reached inside to see what might be included in such a kit.

We will forever refer to that moment as "Mistake #1 of 2010."

. . .

Let me be clear about this: In the two years that I've been doing this little project--not to mention the nearly-eight years I've been Living in Luxury in these Hollywood Hills--a NeighborGoodie has never made me actually scream out loud before. Until this.

Don't get me wrong, there have most certainly been some frightening things left on this table, but none--no matter how dirty--have made me have such a visceral reaction as the item I pulled from this box.

Are you ready to see your "Create Your Own Tissue Box" kit?

Because this is what I found:

Every time I look at this photo, my mind just wants to shut down. It is terror in its absolute purest form.

I pulled this accursed object out of the box, screamed as I threw it down on to the Big Blue Table and quickly snapped a photo of it before running away. I briefly considered alerting the authorities, but then I realized I hadn't wiped my fingerprints from it.

I thought, "Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it's not as offensive as I think it is." A few hours later, I received a call from the NeighborGoodies Ally--the one guy in the building who knows about this project. He was calling to tell me to get downstairs immediately to snap some photos of this, and I'm quoting now, "baby gl*ry h*le."

Perhaps I wasn't overreacting after all. That incredibly apt description, along with the baby's alarmingly wet chin, is just about pushing the limits as to what I can and cannot handle in this Luxurious Life.

The price tag on the item describes it as such:

"Tissue Cover Oval Mouth." Gross.

To be fair, the other items depicted on the box aren't as offensive--but they're just as creepy.

For example: Tissue Cover Clown Nose and Nerd Glasses...

...Tissue Cover Terrifying Clown Mouth...

...and, America's Favorite, Tissue Cover Possessed Pig Nose:

Not surprisingly, I had a lot of trouble finding information on this should-be-outlawed item, other than a website that sells it along with other "hilarious" items to "tickle your funny bone." Items ranging from classic fake vomit all the way up to the pun-derful "Gin & Titonic" (an ice cube tray that forms frozen water into shapes of icebergs and ships.) But none of the items had the soul-crushing terror level of these hideous products.

I did find a similar product in Japan, but somehow, it wasn't nearly as alarming:

This is the first time in history a mustache has made something less rapey.

I need to go take a shower and poke my eyes out now. Good day.

The Breast Things in Life Are Free

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 18:15:00 +0000

Welcome to 2010! Twenty-ten. 2kX.

Ahem.

Anyway, 2010 is only five days old, but it is shaping up to be the biggest year yet for NeighborGoodies! The table is bluer than ever and new neighbors are coming in and out of the building, leaving all sorts of interesting things for us to discuss. But the biggest news of all?

The Official NeighborGoodies Book Deal!™

All we need now is a publisher! And also, obviously, a book deal.

But clearly, this will be happening any moment. How could it not? NeighborGoodies has charm, wit and intrigue--all things that these so-called "actually published" books do not:

Take The Art of Sugarcraft - Pastillage & Sugar Moulding. Yeah, that's a real page turner. Can't wait to see how this one ends.

Advancements in Reading Technology will also prevent the temporarily-non-existent-NeighborGoodies book from eventually looking like this edition of The New Basics Cookbook:

You see, a coffee table book like NeighborGoodies will need to be engineered using state-of-the-art bookbinding methods in order to withstand the high level of vigorous page-turning we expect. In fact, we anticipate that the nearly-forthcoming NeighborGoodies books (volumes 1 through 8--possibly more depending on sales--but let's not get ahead of ourselves) will be named as Most-Thumbed-Through-Of-2011. This is, as I'm sure you know, the literary equivalent of an Album of the Year Grammy or a Best Screenplay Oscar.

And why would the NeighborGoodies book be given an honor as coveted as the Pubbly? Because it wouldn't slow you down with dumb things like "Plot" or "Story," like "novels" do. I'm sure you've heard of "novels"--they're the books made up almost entirely of words... not a photograph among them! Books such as...

...Ralph's Party which, for the record, is about a bunch of people living in an apartment building, many of them up to shenanigans of one sort or another.

Sound familiar? Well, don't get too excited. As I perused the reviews online, it became clear that none of the best qualities of NeighborGoodies were represented in Lisa Jewell's work. For example, there don't seem to be any murders. And life in an apartment building without murder is a lot like enjoying your job: Sure, it happens sometimes. But what are the odds? No wonder these books have been discarded onto the Big Blue Table with such haste!

Another plot-driven book available on the NeighborGoodies Table:

Ann Hood's Ruby. Ruby is about a manipulative bratty girl who is all broody and annoying. Everyone thinks she's pregnant, but based on my own opinion of this book I have not read, I think Ruby is probably just fat. Or wait... maybe I'm thinking of the Other Ruby. Whatever the case, NeighborGoodies' own tales of Teen Angst are probably much more accurate than this book's stories of unwanted teen pregnancies, widows, and, for some reason, hats.

Of course, some writers rely solely on smut to get their books published:

I, for one, would NEVER do that.

This... booby book (for lack of a better term) is simply offensive:

And that's one thing that NeighborGoodies NEVER is.

So get those book deals in today! America--NO! The World!--will thank you.

Merry Xmas from NeighborGoodies!

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 17:27:00 +0000

Like it says below... hoping all of your dreams come true this holiday season.

And no, these cards won't be on the NeighborGoodies Table. Cuz they're that good.

(Thanks to NeighborGoodies' logo designer Sean from itsnotart.com for designing these cards as well!)

An Early Christmas NeighborGoodies Prayer

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 16:12:00 +0000

Dear Baby Jesus,

Please....PLEASE... let this just be a nose hair trimmer:

...because if it's not, I don't even want to think about where it's been. Come to think of it, even if it's just a nose-hair trimmer, I don't even want to think about where it's been.

Amen.

PS: Why did you make the NeighborGoodies Table the nexus to hell?

Sleep Your Way to Wackiness

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:45:00 +0000

When you're a kid, there's nothing quite as satisfying as getting to pick out your own set of bedsheets. I have vague memories of soldiers and horses decorating my sheets when I was a tiny, tiny child--apparently at four, my parents were hoping I'd evolve into some sort of Civil War buff. Imagine their disappointment when I was finally old enough to pick my own bedding... and I opted for sheets featuring Lifesavers Candies. Sure, my cooler friends were busy sleeping on Star Wars or Spiderman sheets... but I was proud of my stark white sheets featuring giant versions of the orange, red, yellow and green candies.

The very idea that a parent would allow their child to sleep on cavity-inducing sweets seems pretty unbelievable by today's standards; but it was the 80's so all was fair.

What's unfair is the idea that someone, somewhere might have actually purchased these bed sheets for their children:

Wacky Races was a cartoon that premiered in 1968 and ran for two years. Of course, the 30 or so episodes were rerun pretty much up until Saturday Morning Cartoons vanished from the television landscape altogether. (Which, by the way, is the reason television networks are in trouble, as far as I'm concerned.)

As I watched the reruns as a small child, I realized one thing about Wacky Races: It was a terrible, terrible show, even by my standards--and I would watch pretty much anything on television. See for yourself:

The story was simple: Hanna Barbera characters that no one really cared about would race each other in their hilarious vehicles, as illustrated here on the pillowcases:

The characters would, of course, need to overcome obstacles (usually provided by the show's resident villains, Dastardly and his emphysema-ridden dog, Muttley) amid state-of-the-art sound effects such as...

and...

...both of which are, obviously, replicated quite faithfully here on these sheets. The show was pretty much a poor man's animated and painfully narrated version of "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World." Only with no real end-goal other than to get to an ever-shifting finish line.

The fact that these sheets were pretty much sealed in their packaging up until I tore them apart for the photo session should tell you something: No one wants bedsheets celebrating a forty year old shitty television program. Why not make bedsheets out of another terrible show from 1969, such as prime-time flop "Turn-On." Kids want Tim Conway on their bed at least as much as they crave Professor Pat Pending or Penelope Pitstop. Or Lifesavers.

Oh well... at least my five-flavored sleep-insanity was self-inflicted. Whoever bought their kids "Wacky Races" sheets was clearly engaging in some sort of dastardly abuse... also probably indicated by various bangs and whooshes.

****

Oh Hey.... you're still here. Well, while you're up, why not vote for us to be nominated as Best Humor Blog in the 2009 Weblog Awards? All you have to do is Go Here, then click on the little green plus-sign next to the NeighborGoodies url! It's easy! And If I Win, You'll Win!™

Get A Life

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:46:00 +0000

There's been a lot of activity on the NeighborGoodies Table over the past week, and I apologize for not reporting such insanity to you sooner.

This flurry of Goodies is really no surprise; As people move in or out at the beginning/end of each month, the unwanted items that don't fit in with their new homes often get Left Behind.

I took this photo last weekend, while I was doing laundry:

By the time my laundry was done... the sheer amount of crap on this table had more than doubled:
In fact, for the first time in NeighborGoodies History, there were so many Goodies on the Big Blue Table, items began to spill out into the hallway adjacent to the Laundry Room, creating a sort of NeighborGoodies Annex:

In another rare occurrence, I actually caught sight of the person leaving these items. He's lived down the hall from me for almost as long as I've lived in this building. The fact that we've never spoken probably comes as no surprise to you; As you may have guessed, I'm not exactly a people-person. Especially when the "people" in question are sweaty, murdery/killy types who look kind of like Chris Elliot.

As the afternoon progressed, he would pop down with electronics...

...or clothes....

...or cleaning supplies...
...or other insane miscellany...
...all clearly in an effort to not have to transport any of these items to wherever the hell he's moving to. Because some of these items are pretty useful--excluding the duck literature, of course--I'm going to go ahead and assume that he has joined a cult and has been encouraged to move into their compound, where he has no need for DVD players, clothing or duck trivia. I mean, we do have several famously terrifying cults nearby in these luxurious Hollywood Hills who would just love to consume another soul. Why else would one leave behind a book like this:

Judging this book purely by its cover, one can only assume that "Pursuing Windows of Opportunity and Change" is some sort of cult manual designed to brainwash you into leaving behind all your worldly possessions...

...and joining their team of mind abusers. Need more proof? Read on, dear...uhh, reader.

These cults prey on the lonely, the confused, the abandoned. They isolate you from your family, friends, and money. Obviously, anything of any religious significance has no room in these cults...
...and because they lure their victims away from their social circle, you don't hear a lot about cult members making or decorating cakes....

...or about serving coffee with that cake...
...or playing board games while eating that delicious cake and drinking coffee...
...so clearly, my theory must be 100% correct.

My former neighbor, the Killy Chris Elliot has finally gotten a life... probably on some compound. But I'm sure he'll be back soon enough to harvest some more souls. Luckily, he was stupid enough to leave behind a weapon for me to protect myself:
After all: toy that could potentially blind you, yet is marketed to children by naming it after their grandfather, is an invaluable tool in fighting the cults and killers that roam the around the increasingly Dangerous (but still no less luxurious) Hollywood Hills.

Dead Lightly (or: Lightly Assaulted)

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:52:00 +0000

I often talk about the murderers who roam the halls of this Luxurious Hollywood Hills apartment building, but it seems as though there are some of you (you know who you are) who, for one reason or another, still believe that I am delusional; that I do not live among killers.

To those naysayers, I say: Ha! Today, you will believe, for I have found indisputable proof that I live in constant danger in order to provide you with the hilariousness that is NeighborGoodies.

Here, to the untrained eye, we have what seems to be ordinary desk lamp:

A harmless illuminator that, for some reason, outlived its usefulness to its previous owner. I'm sure it was just someone redecorating his home office during this Halloween season--a season of KILLERS and FRIGHT and CANDY CORN! (But mainly those first two things...)

As you can clearly see by the haphazard way this red lamp has been strewn onto the Big Blue Table, along with this second...

...broken & smashed lamp, a massive, violent and, yes, tragic struggle ensued during the NeighborGoodies drop-off process.

As I've said, murderin' is nothing new here in this building--but generally, the evidence is placed on the NeighborGoodies Table after the crime. This is the first time (at least to my knowledge) that the Table itself also doubled as the crime scene.

It's obvious that when the killer struck, he or she used the green lamp to bludgeon the victim repeatedly about the head, neck and torso before strangling him with its cord. I'm sure the victim reached for a chard of the light bulb that had been used to initially stun him, hoping to cut the cord being used to choke him, or at least cut the mofo that was attacking him.

Unfortunately, the killer had the upper hand and eventually, our NeighborGooder perished--his limp body no doubt dragged off to his murderer's lair--which could be located within any one of over one hundred apartments in the building. Of the two witnesses that were left behind...

...only one of them is outfitted with a set of eyes.

I'd offer to interrogate the stuffed cow (who has turned red with the blood that was clearly spilled on that fateful day) but, well, the lamp is broken. And you can't have an interrogation without a lamp. That's just ridiculous.

Pink is the New NoOneCares

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 17:50:00 +0000

Judging by today's NeighborGoodies, I'm wondering if Hollywood is finally starting to banish one of its worst creations: The Celebutante. You know--the heiresses who are "famous for being famous." The ones who wear giant stupid sunglasses, drunk drive into things and then basically wander the streets in a drugged-out haze while carrying their tiny suicidal dogs until someone takes their photo so everyone can blog about it with "hilarious" captions.

Among the items you might see these hideous creatures carrying are this bright pink triangular purse...
...and its matching water bottle:
Trust me, ladies: We know where your mouths have been; we've seen the videotapes...

...although chances are the vodka you've filled this bottle with has probably killed 99% of the infections living on your diseased lips.

So perhaps the Celebutantes in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills are fading from favor at long last... or at least overcoming their obsession with Pepto Bismol colored accessories.

For the record, green also seems to be "out," judging by these mismatched shoes no one would be caught dead in:

Please take note, you real life "Mean Girls" (or "Heathers," if you're from the 80's): No one wants your used pink water bottle and no one wants your dirty used green shoes.

Especially since they're nowhere near as awesome as mine:

Fools.

And to those of you still reading celebrity gossip blogs: These horrible people won't go away if you keep giving them attention. Look away! Or I will kick your ass with my awesome shoes!

Beauty is in the Eye of the Needle

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 16:10:00 +0000

With the right tools, there's no telling what a budding artist can make.

A print like "Suburban Refuge," for example...
...doesn't just happen. The artist must be inspired by the things around him. Monte Dolack was clearly moved by the alarming amount of bird poop in his bathroom, which lead him to create what he's best known for: The "Invader Series" of prints, which are comprised of "wild animals wreaking havoc in human homes." Most people would just invest in a window for the gaping hole that was clearly in his bathroom. But like all great artists, Monte thought outside the box!

This specific print, complete with its sun-bleached appearance and cheap, cracked frame is a perfect addition to "art-up" any home--especially one in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills! And I bet it's big enough to block any holes that fowl may be using to fly in from outside!

But not every artist is as prolific or talented as Mr. Dolack, and not every artist can create such beauty using images. No, each person must find their own muse and their own instruments to create art. Some use music, others use words (Hey! Maybe I'm an artist! Why not?!) and there are the precious few that can use...

...balls of yarn about the size of your head.

Unless there's a giant kitty chasing you, there are probably only two real practical uses for this alarming amount of yarn: Knitting an extremely large sweater, or crafting tens of thousand scarves.

To be fair, it's getting cooler outside, and with this yarn's Fall foliage-inspired browns, yellows and reds, it seems like now is the perfect time to begin creating your own clothing!

And for some extra pizazz, you could even use the "Embellish-Knit!"

Embellish-Knit is some sort of sewing gadget that adds fanciness to whatever it is you're trying to put together, allowing you to unleash your inner Fashion Designer.

Due to the fact that I neither sew, nor care about sewing, I can't really be bothered to tell you any more about this instrument. But here's what I do know: Not everyone should be making their own clothes...

I for one am glad that whoever designed the above monstrosity immediately surrendered their yarn and Knit-cheater, before even attempting to craft sleeves onto it.

And yes: I know that all forms of art are subjective... but I'm sure we can all agree that this thing is made of ugly. I'd rather wear the bathroom rug after Dolnack's pigeons are done with it.

Come to think of it, they do look kind of similar...

Hmm...guess I could be an artist after all!

Hello Potty

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 15:56:00 +0000

Hello Kitty seems to rear her cute little head a lot here on the NeighborGoodies Table. There were the matching wallet & cap from October 2008...

...not to mention the Hello Kitty Notebook paper from July of this year...

...and who could forget Shamu's Hello Kitty pencil case, left just a few weeks ago:

All are adorable, but none can match the angelic sight of these Hello Kitty shower curtain holders:

I found these kitty-heads lined up in formation on the Big Blue Table, as if someone was trying to start a Cute Parade, or maybe an Adorable Army. This is interesting because up until now, no NeighborGooder has ever seemed to think that presentation was all that important when getting rid of their trash.

As you know, my policy on bathroom-related NeighborGoodies is pretty much set in stone: "If it was near the grout, throw it out." (As opposed to everyone else in this building, who thinks "If it was on the tile, add it to the pile..." or "If it's mired in poo, more for you!") Generally, I think my rule is a good one. However--and this will come as a shock to long-time NeighborGoodies readers:

I think these Hello Kitty shower curtain rings might actually be OK in my book.

I guess presentation really does matter: The line-up of kitty-heads with their pink little bows and big adorable eyes are awfully hard to resist. Just look at them, standing there at attention, waiting for their orders. Sure, they'll likely stab you with the giant hooks coming out of their charming little heads, but at least they'll be just darling when they do it.

The shower curtain itself, however...

...I could probably do without.

My theory was proven when, as I was putting my clothes in the dryer (yes, I was actually using the NeighborGoodies Room to do laundry...) a couple came by and scooped up these kitties. The woman was talking about a child of one of their friends who was "obsessed" with Hello Kitty. She described the girl's bedroom as being "pink and adorable." As they got on the elevator with their armloads of cat-heads, the man looked down at the faces staring up at him and muttered: "terrifying."

I'm sure they've been killed by the Kitty Death Army by now, but they did do one smart thing: They left the shower curtain.

Fools Brushin'

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 18:59:00 +0000

Fewer things gross me out more than Bathroom-related NeighborGoodies. Believe me: No one wants anything you're tossing out that once lived in your bathroom. Generally, you're disposing of these things because they have turned your Luxurious Hollywood Hills Apartment into a biohazard. So if you don't want it--why expose your neighbors?

Case in point:

To put it simply: These toiletry totes belong in a landfill. I'm all for "going green," except when doing so puts my hygiene and gums in danger. As disgusting as the used traveling soap-dish is (imagine the soap-slime and the creepy-curly nasties that are still inside...) I believe the toothbrush holder is a thousand times nastier.

To me, using this case could actually be more disgusting than utilizing someone else's toothbrush which, up until right now, was The Worst Thing I Could Imagine. At least you could scrub the toothbrush and set it on fire before brushing, giving yourself some sense of germ destruction. But the toothbrush holder? There's just no way to remove the dried toothpaste, bits of blood and whatever other post-brushing residue that has built-up deep inside of this thing. Unless, of course, you used a toothbrush to clean it out... But then...what would you brush your teeth with?

...

I may have just blown my own mind and, in the process, given myself gingivitis. I need to go lie down.

Back to School

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 18:30:00 +0000

It's the middle of September, and kids have been back to school for a few weeks now. And although it's been a good number of years since I've wandered those halls, I still remember the excitement I'd feel about starting a new school year. I'd be filled with hope for probably about two weeks and then, right around this time every year, my days would devolve into a panic-filled nightmare of name-calling and mockery. The kids had formed their bonds and the cliques were in place. And invariably, I was not in them.

Although High School was definitely the worst (mainly because the bullies from Grade School started getting bigger, enabling them to be physically as well as mentally abusive) the Grade School bullies were pretty terrible in their own right.... and I get the feeling the little girl who left these NeighborGoodies down in the laundry room is having a tough time with some bullies of her own:

It probably started off innocently enough--a little gentle teasing about her lunchbox, perhaps:

A whale on a lunchbox is never a good idea. Not even "Shamu and His Crew" could help her now. Even if this girl wasn't overweight, the kids at my school were so adept at teasing, they almost certainly would have tormented her until she developed an eating disorder:

"Hey Shamu, is that a picture of yourself on your lunchbox?"
"Hey Shamu, where's Jonah?"

And the all-time classic:

"Hey Shamu: Oink, oink!"

Well... nobody said the bullies were smart--that's kind of what made them bullies: They were just too dumb to know any better. And, of course, the best way to raise your low self-esteem is to lower that of your peers. So, as soon as they sensed any bit of discomfort, they locked onto their target--mocking any and all aspects of you: Your hair, your clothes, your teeth, your food, your ears, nose and throat, doctors, parents, siblings--Anything they could see on or near you was fair game--including your objects.

Soon, little Shamu comes home sobbing, demanding that everything pink and cute and girly she so wanted during her back-to-school shopping excursion must now be replaced with generic plain items so as to not draw attention to herself.

No more Hello Kitty Pencil Cases...
...no more sparkling puppy planners...

...especially if it contained cutesy sparkly stickers...

...and an equally sparkly calculator inside:

2+2 = Misery

She got rid of all of these things because she couldn't bear to be reminded of anything happy. Even the change purse had to go...

...those grinning faces just reminded her of her taunters--All red and round and...smiling. What a bunch of fuckers!

And although I'm kind of surprised she didn't keep her "Body Bag Barbie"...

...I must say I'm not surprised at her sudden rebellion. When we're young, and it seems that all anyone wants to do is harass you for being different, you just want to fade away, become invisible. But as we get older, the lucky ones realize we should celebrate our differences. Sure, those young years were painful, but they made us who we are. And just as being a bully back then probably helped our tormentors ignore their own issues and insecurities--by bringing ours to the surface, they helped us deal with them early on, so we could move on and be productive, hilarious members of society.

And now, we're smart enough to know that they were, and probably still are, full of self-loathing.

So hold your head up high, Shamu! Soon the bullies will be the Jonahs inside of you!

Wait...what?

Cheese GREATer

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 19:50:00 +0000

Over the weekend, I found another box of books....

...this one including a NeighborGoodies Rerun--The ever-popular Christian Faux-Romance Novel Rainbow's End:

Rainbow's End was initially left on the Big Blue Table in July of 2008 (read the entry here!) and I'm pretty shocked by its return over a year later. The book isn't all that thick, so the idea that it took someone 14 months to read through this not-so-steamy pile, and then re-rid themselves of it boggles my mind.

Of course, as cheesy as Christian Romance Novels may be--none are as cheesy as this:

"Say Cheese" is an amazing pamphlet put out in 1977 by the Giant Food corporation--a supermarket chain mainly on the east coast of the United States. At its core, this booklet is nothing more than Cheese Propaganda.

There are little specks of grease and other foodstuffs all over it indicating that this person not only kept her cheese booklet around for 22 years--but she kept it proudly on display in her kitchen while she cooked. And who can blame her, really? It's quite a helpful item to have around!

The tone of the booklet is set right on the first page (Just above the giant-Swiss-Cheese-fonted "Cheese - What's in it for you?" chapter heading:

"If you find the cheese counter a little confusing, you're not alone. Cheese comes in many shapes, sizes and varieties. In this booklet, we'll be talking about the nutritional value of cheese, how to read a cheese label, and how to use and store cheese at home. We hope you find this information helpful."

So--they're here to help the hapless cheese consumer. But here's a spoiler: They never actually tell you "how to use" cheese at home. Nowhere in this booklet does it say "Put in mouth, chew." There are some (three) helpful recipes, but for some reason, those all call for cottage cheese--which, as far as I'm concerned, is the bastard cousin of 'real' cheese.

We're also treated to an in-depth, clinical explanation of the differences between Natural and Processed cheeses (the answer: Enzymes from animal stomachs!)

This page gives us some disturbing "cheese labeling pointers."

This is also the same page that tells us in no uncertain terms "American cheese is never a natural cheese." We are told "it is a blend of various cheeses including Cheddar, Colby and other cheese products."

If anyone out there knows what an "Other" cheese product is, please keep it to yourself. Also: the phrase "Cheese food" that appears on the label of the bottom product is almost enough to put me off cheese altogether.

Almost.

The booklet goes on to tell you what you should do if you're on a special diet to lower your fat intake, cholesterol or sodium.

Their advice? Read the labels to look for low fat, low cholesterol and low sodium cheeses. Thanks.

There's also a cheese composition table...

...a helpful section on whether or not your cheese is still good...

...and a cheese chart:

And there's much, much more. Yes--this is one of those NeighborGoodies that makes you shout to the heavens about how...GOUDA it is!

...

Ok, ok...sorry for the cheesy joke.

Anyway, this product is so full of awesomeness--I just couldn't resist giving you the opportunity to own it! Yes, for the first time in the History of NeighborGoodies: This item is for sale over at ebay.

Bid early, bid often! GO GO GO!

Ring Around the Scholar

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 18:45:00 +0000

Oh! Well, hello there, and welcome Back to NeighborGoodies! Did you miss us? Of course you did!

Sorry for unannounced break, but I've been verybusy throwing fruit at people (Please see BananaSurprise for details!) and traveling everywhere (Please see the Country Fried Road Trip for details!)

And just this past weekend, I was in Chicago at my friend Jeff's wedding who, as it turns out, had told every single person he's ever met about this blog--which is why we're huge in the Midwest. So: Congratulations on your wedding, Jeff, and thanks for forcing your friends, family and co-workers into The NeighborGoodies FanBase!

And now: Back to your irregularly scheduled NeighborGoodies!

Since it’s back to school season, I feel it’s best to start off with something for our student-readers. I'm happy to offer some excellent items that can help you make a good first impression on your new classmates! As you know, any good student needs lots of books--Luckily, someone was kind enough to donate twelve of them...

…sure, they're phone books, but they’re chock full of information for you to memorize! These books are a great way to get to know your fellow classmates. For example, when you take these out in your lecture hall, people will surely encircle you and ask you things like, "Why are you carrying phone books," "What's wrong with you," and "Why are we even still making phone books?"

The people who ask this last question are the ones you want to keep around: They are clearly the smartest and most critical thinkers in your class. If no one asks any of these questions, perhaps you should reconsider your choice of schools, as you are surrounded by people who aren't taking an interest in their surroundings. If it's too late to change schools, you could just start calling the numbers out of these books to find someone smart enough to not want to talk to you, and then insist on being their friend.

But as every student knows, learning is more than just books--it's life! And you can't live life naked, so I think some new duds are in order. Nothing can re-invent you better than these handsome and dusty cherry-brown shoes...

...or this very snazzy button-down shirt...

...with a giant, nasty stain around its collar:

I always thought Ring Around the Collar was something that only happened in TV commercials during the 70's & 80's... I had no idea it is still a real--and totally disgusting--phenomenon.

But no one ever said being popular was easy: Do you think NeighborGoodies is so well-loved because of our cleanliness? Do you think we're popular because we have a Twitter and a Facebook page? Do you think people care about us because we make it super-easy to subscribe to NeighborGoodies by email to get each episode delivered directly your inbox?

No. We're popular because people apparently like filth and determination! And nothing says, "I exude confidence (and acid-based neck-sweat!)" quite like deep, fuming stains on your shirts.

So go, young students! Go off and proudly display your Yellow Pages and your Yellow Stains--and Let Your Fingers Do The Walking! (But not in those dusty shoes... They'll never fit.)

Sad Sack

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 19:13:00 +0000

If you found a bag on the street, what would you do? There could be anything in there. A pile of cash... or a used baby! Of course, if you're like me, you'd think it was a bomb and you'd run as fast and as far as you could, hoping someone else will eventually deal with it before thousands are killed and/or injured.

But for some reason, when I find a bag on the NeighborGoodies table....
...I always--always--open it, even though I know it will be filled with some sort of unholy terror. This bag's terror is in the form of a teddy bear...

...who is clearly stuffed with sadness:

Have you ever seen a more pathetic looking toy? When you look into his eyes, you can almost see the tears welling up beneath his furry face. It's as though he just found out he has an inoperable teddy bear tumor, and instead of doling out the cash for his treatment, his owner chucked him into an oversized purse and put him onto the NeighborGoodies Table to rest in peace... or filth.

Also included in the oversized purse is this light blue sack of loveliness:
Of course, I can't help but look inside of this thing either, though I strongly suspect there's at least one eyeball inside of it. I reach in and pull out...

...some sort of material that curiously falls somewhere between wax paper and plastic bag. I'm not sure what the stuff is, or why it was inside. Was it to make it seem like the clutch was full of something besides sadness? Did the carrier want people to think she was walking around with wads of cash? Was this an accessory worn to a poorly-attended fundraiser intended to raise money for the tumor-bear's treatment?

Whatever the reason...I'm glad just glad it didn't explode. Although it would have finally put that poor bear out of its misery.

Not So Great Adventure

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 19:43:00 +0000

In the current economic climate, you can leave no stone unturned when looking for a job or, heck, even a new career! And today, some NeighborGooder wants to help you in your search for the right path with...

"Adventure Careers - Your Guide to Exciting Jobs, Uncommon Occupations & Extraordinary Experiences."

I feel like the person depositing this book has maybe suffered through a long series of terrible jobs, some with unreasonable and crazy bosses. Bosses who, for example, might give notes to change a project without ever laying eyes on it, despite the weeks and weeks of work you've done. I know, I know... it sounds ridiculous, but some people are insane.

So while a new career may be in order, I'm not sure what sort of "Adventure Careers" this book is trying to sell you on. After all, along with the book, I found this Cuervo Silver necklace...
...along with some creepy boas:

So while a new career in the world's oldest profession may seem like an adventure... I think I'll stick with my current career, as full of giant nightmares as it is. Cuz at least when I get screwed at work now, I don't need to see a doctor.

Hello, Pity

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 19:24:00 +0000

There are lots of people out there who are full of untapped promise... present company excluded of course. I mean, the mere fact that you are reading these words means you are living up to your maximum potential. Kudos to you!

For the rest of the idiots, there are books like this:

While I have not personally read The Guide to Confident Living, I can pretty much guarantee that its pages are filled with lessons such as "Believing in Yourself (Even When No One Else Will)" and "Grabbing That Tiger By The Tail!!"

I'm not saying these books don't have their place. The person who bought this book was probably in a really bad place--maybe they had just gone through a nasty divorce, or the loss of a loved one. Or maybe, just maybe, they had just endured a particularly soul-crushing job that left them a little stabby, and they needed some semblance of order in their lives.

One of the lessons that are in all of these books is "Visualizing and Organizing." Generally, this is the part of the book that says if you clean up the surroundings you can control, the rest of the world will somehow magically fall into place. I, for one, encourage that behavior--After all, that's probably the number one reason people dump these objects on the NeighborGoodies Table.

In an effort to get herself together, the gal who bought this book rushed out to Staples and grabbed a shit-ton of binders:

One important lesson from the NeighborGoodies Life-Improvement Seminar: Don't lose yourself while you improve yourself!™ Our heroine made sure to hold onto her quirky, fun personality by picking up some Hello Kitty stationary to fill her three-ring binder with:

She even enrolled in classes...
...and decorated her now-empty Consulting Skills Program notebook with a little froggy sticker...
...because how else will she "Hop" to success?

How did our heroine fare?

Well, according to the level of dust on the notebooks (as well as this calendar from 2006)...

...I think it's safe to assume that maybe she's still trying to Live Confidently in the Hollywood Hills.

So I guess the lesson here is to tell your dopey friends to come and read NeighborGoodies so that they, too, can experience their Maximum Potential! After all: If you hang out with idiots, then what does that make you?

The Bold Shoulder

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 16:02:00 +0000

Well, I guess it was just a matter of time before something like this happened. Someone left their body parts on the NeighborGoodies Table. And they're not even good body parts... they're shoulders:

OK, so they're not technically shoulders, but they are, in fact, original 1980's era shoulder-pads, as made popular by the casts of Dynasty...

...Designing Women...

...and RuPaul's Drag Race.
The 80's were a weird time for a lot of reasons, not the least of which were the giant-shouldered women who invaded office buildings across the nation. Their linebacker shaped upper-bodies were meant to represent power, gusto, suffrage. These were worn by women who were finally standing up for their rights against their sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical biggot bosses. In fact, these 1987 vintage canned shoulders were so popular...

...they were even available in kids' sizes!

The label calls them "A big kids look for little kids!" I, however, call them "A new reason for big kids to beat up your kids!" I could almost understand a little latchkey girl wearing these in the 80's, trying to be like her office-bee mom--but there is a boy on this can. A BOY WITH A SKATEBOARD... As if to say "Hey! This kid's cool because he has a skateboard... and he wears shoulder pads That means you'll be rad if you wear them!!" Look, I was about as dorky as you could get in the 80's, and not even I would go anywhere near these things. If I showed up to 8th grade wearing shoulder pads, I can guarantee you there's no way in hell I would have lived to even see recess.

I opened the cans to get a better look inside and was shocked to discover that shoulder pads smell really, really bad...

...although I suspect I wouldn't smell so great if I was locked in a can for 22 years or so. I was also surprised to learn that while the adult version of the shoulder pads are made a soft, silky material, the kids' version is nothing more than little bits of foam:

If you're confused about the logistics of these shoulder pads, the adult's can of shoulder conveniently features a woman sensually showing us how to apply our new pads:
Step 1: "Lift bra strap and gently slide the flap (or under-panel) beneath the strap. Adjust pad to edge of shoulder and position comfortably."

Step 2: "Look great and feel comfortable for the rest of the day."

You'll also notice that while the other cans are from 1987, this specific brand was purchased in 1996! I think I speak for everyone when I ask: What the hell for? Shoulders had definitely deflated to a more reasonable size as soon as Paula Poundstone pointed out how silly the trend was in 1990:

I can only imagine that the NeighborGooder who owned these had been hooked on shoulder pads since her childhood in the 80's--remaining loyal to the Stay-Put brand for as long as she could until they went under due to shifting trends in fashion. Not content with trimming down her shoulders, our heroine was forced to switch over to The Perfect Pad:
...who were, for reasons unknown, still manufacturing the Ultimate Shoulder Pad at least through the mid-90's. I'd like to think that finally, in 2009, this woman gave up these shoulder pads willingly. However, I think we all know that her addiction likely got the best of her, and her spine was crushed under the weight of these foam pads. And because of her stubborn and repeated refusals to get help for her problem, her family has no shoulder to cry upon.

Light Club

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff!) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 15:25:00 +0000

Nothing lights up a room quite like a lamp... figuratively and literally, of course. A good lamp can take a room to the next level. And then there are lamps like this:

I think I speak for everyone when I say this monstrosity is perhaps best enjoyed in the darkness--especially when you consider the lampshade that is on the Big Blue Table with it:

I actually like this lampshade, to be honest, but the fugly factor when the two items are combined is enough to make anyone wish they were blind:

Now I'm no decorator, but just because both of these items could technically be described as "floral" doesn't mean they were meant to be together. If faced with the option of illuminating my Luxurious Hollywood Hills apartment with this lamp/lampshade combo or with, say, a dozen or so glowsticks...

...well, I guess the only thing to say is "Bring on the Rave!" Sure, my apartment would be filled with people on ecstasy trying to lick each other and my furniture... but at least I'd save on electricity!

It just blows my mind that some strung-out raver in the building actually bought their "Lightning Rods!" in bulk. I love the idea of a drug-fueled shopping binge at Costco, with carts full of lollipops, whistles and glow-sticks. I guess it's true what they say: "You Can't Spell 'Value' without E."