Dear GoDaddy -

I don’t know if you noticed, but I’ve started moving my 1400+ domain names (spread across four accounts) to other registrars; mostly Namecheap (not an aff link).

If you have noticed, you’ve probably attributed it to the brouhaha over SOPA, and it’s true, GoDaddy’s situational ethics were the last straw for me.

But I don’t want you thinking this is the only reason I’m leaving.  It’s just the most recent one.  Because once I started adding it up, I should have moved out LONG ago

Let’s count up, shall we?

• Your horribly designed, slow-as-molasses-in-January user interface
• Your lack of tools / interfaces for users with more than a handful of domains
• Your relentless on-screen upsells
• Your phone call upsells after a new hand reg (just because I purchase doesn’t mean I authorize you to call me)
• The roadblocks you attempt to put in the way of anyone who tries to transfer away from you
• Your cheap, easily hacked WordPress hosting for people who aren’t knowledgeable enough to find better
• More phone calls from the “VIP Rep” I never asked for, asking to perform services I don’t want
• You actually charge for domain parking. NOBODY ELSE charges for domain parking
• Your alleged SEO and other “business” and “internet marketing” services
• That whole elephant thing. It was just fucking tacky.
• Your scantily clad GoDaddy girls and soft core porn advertising.

If I had to pick one (and it’s oh so hard to pick just one) it would probably be that last point that annoys me the most.  It’s almost 2012; we girls actually own domains now.  In some cases, lots of them. Maybe my circles are too small, but I don’t know a single woman who is impressed with the big sex sell, and I for one am tired of my reg fees going towards yet another leather jacket for Danica Patrick.

I’m obviously not your target demographic, so I’m taking my domains and moving out. Unfortunately, I can’t move them all today, because you are holding hostage the ones for which I have recently changed contact information. So I won’t be able to take advantage of the Namecheap promo code (SOPASUCKS through 12/31/11) on those. But nevertheless, as soon as you release them, I’m moving them all out.

I doubt this message will reach you, and you probably won’t care about my paltry few thousand bucks per year.  But *I* care about where I spend a few thousand bucks a year, and I’d prefer, from now on, that it wasn’t with you.

Here’s my Christmas playlist for Spotify. It includes tracks from my favorite Christmas album (the Mason Williams), soundtrack cuts from favorite TV shows (The Grinch, Rudolph, Charlie Brown), some Mormons, and South Park (NSFW)  Enjoy. If you subscribe, I’ll probably be adding more stuff as I have time to find it.

For best results, set on shuffle.

A Very Netmeg Christmas on Spotify

12/12/2011 – Added a second Christmas playlist for Rock/Motown/Pop and other type stuff here:

A Very Netmeg Christmas (Modern) on Spotify

I want to buy an iPhone 4S.  Verizon Wireless is making it very difficult for me to do so.

First off, I am a longtime BlackBerry user.  But RIM is a dying platform (I don’t care what anyone says, they are – you know it and I know it so shut up) and it’s time to get something else. I haven’t found a Droid I like yet, and so it seems like a good time to get an iPhone. A new model just came out last week!  Consider it a tribute to Steve.  Whatever. I want one.

Now, I have been a VerizonWireless customer for at least eight or ten years.  I have a family plan, and I’ve never had fewer than three (and sometimes as many as five) numbers on my plan. I have smart phones and data plans. Always signed up for the two year extensions.  Never once paid late. My monthly bills run well into three figures.  I put friends and family members (who are not on my plan) on Verizon so we’d all be on the same network.

Any other marketing-savvy industry would consider me a VIP customer – worth keeping happy and hanging on to at almost any cost.  This is where you get your brand evangelists, after all.

But not Verizon Wireless. And, to be fair, pretty much all the carriers operate the same way. Because it’s a royal pain in the ass to switch carriers; particularly when you have multiple lines, they figure you have a higher threshold of pain for any little price gouge they can stick you with.

My current plan is up for renewal on February 4, 2012.  But I would like to get my new phone now.  I can go ahead and upgrade now, but if I do, Verizon wants to charge me something called an “early upgrade fee” to do so.  If I wait until February, I will supposedly get a “loyalty discount” in an unspecified amount, and no “early upgrade fee.”

(I’m willing to bet that the loyalty discount probably only consists of NOT charging the early upgrade fee, but I won’t know until I get there. Which I probably won’t.)

I’ve had this argument with them before. Their position is that they gave me a discount on my phone, and need to penalize charge me this extra fee for “breaking” my contract (even if by breaking I’m actually signing up for another two years)

This is wrong on every possible level. Any other industry would be shunned like pariahs if they tried this bullshit. So why do we let the carriers stick it to us this way?

The iPhone I was planning to buy is listed at the “discounted” price of $399 (yea I was going for the full 64gb version)  They’re also getting my phone & data plan for two years, and those of my family. We’re talking mid four figures by the time all is said and done.

The “early upgrade fee” they want to charge me is $20.00.

I abandoned the cart.  I won’t pay it.  It’s not like I don’t have the $20, but it’s the principle of the thing.  By the time they have my $400 and my plan and my data and my family  for two more years (which by the way never comes even CLOSE to using the minutes we purchase every month) they have MORE than made back their money on my upgrade. If they haven’t, they don’t deserve to be in business.

But no, they have to stick it to an existing customer in good standing. For $20.  If I had a client that practiced this kind of behavior – well, I wouldn’t have that client.  They’d be fired. Even if you convince people to pay the “loyalty tax” – they’re not going to feel good about you as a company. They’re not going to recommend you to their friends and family. And as soon as ever a better choice comes along, they will leave you so fast it will make your head spin.

The icing on the cake today was the response I got from their service account on Twitter – @VZWSupport. I tweeted out my frustration, and they replied to DM them with the details and they’d set it up so I could order online without having to pay the fee.  But they wouldn’t follow me. I pointed this out, and again got another response telling me to DM them with the details.  BUT THEY DO NOT FOLLOW ME.  So I can’t DM them.

At that point, they offered to call. But I’m busy, I’m at work, and as I have often said (and advised my clients) if I have to pick up a phone to complete an online order, you’ve lost me as a customer FOREVER.

And finally they just reiterated that the early upgrade fee was a PENALTY for wanting a new phone and new plan four months early.  Well excuse me.

So Verizon has lost me (and my family) forever. We’ll be going either AT&T or Sprint. I have no doubt they won’t treat us any better when it comes time to upgrade.

For God’s sake, we’re the customers. How do they get away with treating us this way? Who else does this?

10/12/2011 UPDATE:  Verizon contacted me via Twitter (and email and called my Blackberry!) to offer to remove the “early upgrade fee.”  I accepted, and then they found out they couldn’t do that, but they could credit my regular bill.   So I ordered my iPhone 4S.  However, I still think the principle stands – if your loyal customers are trying to GIVE YOU MONEY and want to commit early to TWO MORE YEARS, you should be falling over yourself to acommodate them. You shouldn’t have to go all netmeg on their ass over twenty bones.  And one of these days, some wireless company is going to realize what a HUGE weakness this is in the competition and what a HUGE opportunity it is to stand out in a crowded (and well branded) space, and they’re gonna drive a truck through it.  And I will be first in line when they do.

Yea, I know. I’ve kind of neglected this place after going to the trouble of putting it up – haven’t even okayed the comments that I need to respond to, or updated the Fireworks Spam report, or finished about six half written drafts.  Those of you who know me know that the weeks leading up to July 4th are my busiest time of the year – not only for MichiganFireworks.com, but I also launched a couple new ones FireworksInOhio.com and FireworksInIndiana.com, with the considerable help of my erstwhile (and seriously kickass) developer.  And it’s not like I didn’t find a ton more fireworks spam – I absolutely did, and I saved it all into Evernote, but I just plain didn’t have time to update it here.

But now I’m BACK, bitchez, and once I take care of some housekeeping stuff, I will be updating like a mofo.

Oh, and I don’t know if there are any social media buttons for Google+ yet, but you can find me here. It’s really growing on me. I’ll probably end up dumping Facebook (for the most part) for it.

I used to be an AdWords Certified Professional or AdWords Qualified Individual or whatever it’s called.  I took the test three times and passed easily.  But I won’t be taking it again.

The first reason was one of timing.  I last took the test in 2009, and it was supposed to be good for two years.  Then in 2010, Google announced that they were completely overhauling the testing procedure, and everyone had to take it again.  (They even provided vouchers to cover the cost)  But I didn’t have time to mess with that; I had three clients doing major site overhauls in the last half of 2010, and when I took my last test, it was supposed to be good for two years.  No reason at all Google couldn’t just say the NEXT time we were due for tests, you have to take the new ones and be done with it.  So that reason was just plain stubbornness on my part.

But the second reason is the real reason, and that is that Google provides absolutely no incentive for me to become certified.  They don’t send me leads. They don’t give me advanced technical support.  They used to give me $100 vouchers for new clients, but now everyone including my cat gets vouchers; I have a pile of them on my desk this minute – as I’ve said many times,

Google AdWords Vouchers are the AOL CDs of the 2000′s

All Google gives me is a logo that I can pin to my website, and the dubious honor of saying I passed a test that (as far as I know – I’ve not seen the most recent version) is not proctored and can be easily passed by anyone who can open one browser window in the Learning Center and another in which to take the test.

Not being certified certainly hasn’t affected my ability to attract clients.  I get inquiries every week, and not one person has ever asked if I had the certification (which is how little it means to the civilians).  I actually get a lot more traction out of five years worth of posts on WebmasterWorld – a much better indication of my PPC knowledge and expertise.

So why should I bother?  I can’t see a reason.  Can you?

While I have all the mad PPC skillz one could ask for, landing pages are my Achilles heel.  I come from a programming/marketing background – no design at all. Of course there is a perfectly valid argument that PPC marketing types shouldn’t be designing landing pages too, and I don’t disagree, but I’m a full service consultant specializing in extreme customer service; my small business clients trust and expect me to get the job done, whether I have to do it, buy it, or hire it.

So I either use an existing site page, or cobble up something mediocre to make do.  Most of them are okay, but not great.  And real landing page experts are usually outside the budget.

Even if I had real landing page experts at my disposal – there’s also the issue of shoe-horning a good landing page layout into an existing WordPress theme or shopping cart software.  If I’m trying to send someone hurtling face first into my sales funnel I  definitely don’t want to distract him with my entire site navigation, headers, footers, social media buttons, widgets, and whatever else I’ve got going on.  I want a nice clean page that features my offer to its best advantage and a big ole call to action.  And that’s it.

But the worst thing of all is how much time it takes me to make them. I don’t know if it would be faster if I were better at it, I just know I can’t do it quickly. I’m lucky if I can pull together a single page in a week, let alone several that I can split test against each other.

Because of all that, my ears perked up when I heard about Premise.  Ok, I was skeptical. Maybe because it so directly addressed my own personal shortcoming, but it sounded too good to be true.  But there’s a risk-free money back guarantee, and I have a good history with Copyblogger Media products, so I went ahead and ponied up.

There are two price-points – $85 for unlimited domains, landing pages, and six months worth of graphics, copywriting advice, updates, seminars and support, and one-time $165 Ultimate for unlimited everything.  Personally, I always go for the unlimited option, because I have my eggs in a lot of different baskets and I hate being constrained by licensing issues.  Give me the all-you-can-eat buffet every time; one less thing to worry about.

So I installed a test WordPress site, and then installed Premise – pretty straightforward; installs like every other WordPress plugin – and began to poke around.

What Premise Is

Simply put, Premise is a comprehensive tool set that walks you through turning your killer idea into killer landing pages.  It’s a WordPress plugin that doesn’t bind you to your existing theme, or require you to do any programming to create custom posts or pages.  You can create pages to match whatever WP theme you’re using, or you can make something that looks completely different.  It’s a built in copywriting assistant. It’s an SEO and conversion optimization tool.  It’s EASY.  And it’s FAST.

To be honest, there’s so much here, I can’t get it all into one post – hence the part about the series.

So let’s go over what $85/$165 gets you:

• Everything is highly customizable – use the defaults, or build something on your own.
• Seven types of landing pages to build on – sales, content, pricing, opt-in, video, tab scroller, and a thank you page.
• HUGE graphics library – over 1100 buttons, badges, symbols, and more, all instantly available with a click.
• Use all your own copy, or get contextual sample copy to help you organize and optimize your offer for conversion.
• Create buttons with your own calls to action.
• The ability to save, import and export multiple design sets.
• Built in compatibility with Google Website Optimizer and Visual Website Optimizer – just add your ID.
• Basic SEO capabilities (custom title, meta description, meta robots, canonical URL, and header and footer scripts)
• Built in integration with AWeber, Constant Contact and MailChimp email services

Premise Style Options

I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more here that I just haven’t found yet.

Once installed, Premise places two additions to your left navigation; one for the landing pages you create, and one for the Premise settings.

As I moved around in the Premise interface, I was particularly impressed with the attention paid to detail.  Things like adding ‘Save’ buttons at the top and bottom of screens. The ability to save multiple design sets.  Setting up my first Pricing page, I was at first a little frustrated because my copy didn’t seem to fit, and then I opened up the Copywriting Assistant and the first thing it told me in big bold letters was Keep It Simple, Sherlock.  (I guess they didn’t want to go with “Stupid,” ork ork) The advice was spot on.  I have a tendency never to use one word where ten will suffice.

The style design screen is so comprehensive it’s almost overwhelming.  There’s a lot of options here, and it did take me a while to go through all of them to figure out what was where.  I *strongly* advise that you toggle them all closed, and only open the ones you need for whichever landing style you’re using, just to avoid the sensory overload.  Once I got used to it, it didn’t take me long to make a several design sets for completely different clients, that used the colors, backgrounds and logos from their existing sites.

Premise Sales Page

Then I moved to the Landing Page section to see what I could do there.  Premise inserts a row of buttons that allows you to do things like insert sample copy (just to get you started), graphics, buttons, opt-in forms, notice boxes and other Premise goodies.  And over to the right, you’ll find contextual copywriting advice (it pops out so you don’t have to lose your place).

You have the ability to add header and footer scripts for whatever stats and analytics codes you want (gots to have my Crazy Egg) but I also installed Yoast’s Google Analytics plugin, and the analytics code showed up just fine in the source.

Another nifty option is that once you’ve created your page, you can immediately create a duplicate and then make whatever modifications you want for A/B testing.  I’m a huge fan of all these little things that save me time.

As a general rule, I keep my PPC landing pages out of the organic search results, but if you want to optimize for organics, much of the basic technical control you need is here.

By the time I had spent a couple hours in it, I was awestruck at how much you get for the price. I’ve paid more than this just for (lesser) graphics libraries.

If you need to produce landing pages – even if you are already producing landing pages – Premise will save you an enormous amount of time.  And time is the one resource we never have enough of.

What Premise Isn’t

I really don’t like packaged all-in-one solutions that (unrealistically) promise the moon.  If they ever work at all, it’s only for about thirty seconds, and then things come crashing down.  That’s one reason I took to Premise immediately – this isn’t a package like that.  While Premise will help you create effective landing pages for many types of campaigns, it’s not going to do all your work for you. If you want something that’s going to pick a niche, give you a unique value proposition, select the best keywords, actually write the copy from scratch (instead of suggesting flow and best practices), and then convert like a mofo – don’t bother, because this product is not for you. In order to make this work effectively, you have to know going in what your offer is going to be, and have a pretty good idea how you want to shape it.  Premise will help you organize and present it effectively, (including some wonderful copywriting tips built right into design screen, and basic SEO tools if you need them) but it’s no substitute for your brain or your skillz or your creativity.  Nor will it solve all your AdWords Quality Score issues (most of the ones I see aren’t even related to landing pages).

Who Can Use Premise

Anyone who needs to create landing pages, at pretty much any level of expertise (or inexpertise) can learn to use this plugin pretty quickly.  I created three sample pages in an afternoon (remember when I said up there ^^ that one would take me a week?), none of which I would be ashamed to promote to production status. I can’t show them to you because they’re for my clients, but I intend to post up some samples off-niche soon.  The ability to save multiple design sets makes it ideal for PPC managers, who can keep separate design sets for separate clients, or affiliate marketers who might be using multiple types of pages for different niches.  And endusers can use it as well – there’s enough good copywriting advice here to walk anyone through making an effective landing page – plus the promise of upcoming seminars!

Another Problem Solved (for me, at least)

I specialize in e-commerce, but truth be told, not one of my clients is using a WordPress shopping cart.  I’m mostly stuck dealing with OSCommerce, Zen Cart, Magento and some custom coded solutions.  The problem there is that either the packages don’t have a decent CMS capability, or I don’t have the access I need to create landing pages on the actual site, or place tracking codes for Google Website Optimizer.  So while I was playing with Premise, a light bulb suddenly went off over my head -  why not put WordPress installs in folders or on subdomains, and use Premise that way?  Of course, I’ll still need to place conversion tracking on the final confirmation page of the shopping cart, but that’s not usually as much of as issue as trying to get it on a product or category page.  Note – tracking subdomains will require some change to sitewide Google Analytics code, as outlined here.  A folder might be a better option if you can swing it. So now I can make landing pages exactly the way I want, regardless of CMS or cart, with a style to match the site – only I can pick and choose which elements I want to have on the page.  Woot!

I also have clients that serve widely different niches, and this allows me to quickly create a lot of very niche-specific pages; when your customers run the gamut from churches to car washes to casinos, you either have to come up with a page that suits all purposes (close to impossible) or spend a lot of time making a lot of different pages.

Some things I’d like to see

Where’s the Support link? I spent a lot of time when I first installed it just clicking on things to see what they’d do. It’d be nice if there were a way to get help or support right from within WordPress.

Most of the page types are pretty intuitive, but setting up my first Pricing page, I had some confusion over what goes where (not everything is labeled). If there’s real documentation somewhere, I haven’t found it. On the Premise website, you can find a breakdown of all the options, but it’s listed (oddly I think) on the Features page.  (Oh, and the traveling left sidebar menu on that page – GAAAH! those give me seizures)  Since I know Copyblogger Media is big on support, I’m sure it’s either there or in the works, but I need it pointed out.

I don’t exactly know how they’d implement it, but the ability to do multivariate testing would be way cool.

While it doesn’t fall exactly under the purview of a landing page, almost everyone who creates one also will need to create a privacy policy and/or a disclosure page.  (By the way – there a recent  AdWords policy update on that found here)  People are always asking me how to write one or both – having templates (or at least sample copy) for them would be a nice add-on. (Obvious legal disclaimers blah blah blah)

I’m spoiled by Raven Tools; on every page of their site there’s a little button you can push to send them a bug report or a feature request. Not practical for every page of  a WordPress plugin, but having even one such a button available for Premise would be helpful.

I’m hoping they expand the email options; I have clients using other companies to manage their campaigns.

I’m also hoping that some more types of landing pages will show up with future updates – things like landing pages for Facebook or Twitter referrals (or, for that matter, I have clients trying to promote Facebook ‘likes’ for their fan pages – the sky’s the limit here.)

The Takeaway

I love this.

What you get here is an amazing deal at a ridiculous price; so much so that I can’t believe it’s priced where it is.  I don’t know how you value your time, but I know how I value mine, and Premise is going to save me DAYS – for less than what I charge for an hour of my consulting time.  Having spent time with it, I’d have paid double.  (Don’t tell them I said that.)

Next time I post on this, I should have some data on conversions; in two cases I am testing Premise pages vs what I was using before.

Go Get Premise.  NOW.

(Disclosure: these are affiliate links, so yes, I get a commission if you buy through them.  I was not paid to do this review, and I paid for my copy of Premise myself, and am using it for myself and my clients. If you object to the aff link, then go get it directly, but either way, if you are in PPC or create landing pages, you will want to try this out.  There’s a money back guarantee, but I bet you won’t need it. )

rm -rf /bin/laden

Two variations on tomato / mozzarella / caper salad:

Version 1 (very attractive for company)

Salad Ingredients:

• Baby spinach leaves
• About 8 0z fresh (soft) mozzarella in balls
• 4-5 large tomatoes, in 1/4″ slices
• 5 tablespoons capers
• Black olives, sliced

Dressing Ingredients:

• Juice of one lemon
• 3-4 tablespoons of Dijon mustard
• 1/4/cup olive or canola oil

Arrange spinach on large serving plate. Slice tomatoes and arrange over spinach. Slice mozzarella and place on tomatoes. Sprinkle capers and black olives over plate. Mix juice and mustard; whip in oil gradually until emulsified; drizzle over all.

Version 2 (casserole style)

Lose the spinach.

Medium sized sliced tomatoes (even sliced Romas) work better.

Layer in a large glass or Pyrex casserole: tomatoes, mozzarella cheese, black olives, capers, dressing; repeat until all in.

Chill for couple hours, at least.

Tomato Mozzarella Caper Salad - Casserole Style

If your business model includes the word articles as a key component – or even a component at all – you’re screwed.

If I never hear about articles again for the rest of my life, it’ll be too soon.  And the sad thing is, people don’t even realize why it’s so wrong.

One of the unfortunate collateral damage to making up a word for your “brand” means that everyone (including Google) thinks you’re a typo.