Never Niche

CLAREYT.TUMBLR.COM --> GO

2012-01-22T17:31:00.000-08:00

No more Never Niche. Don't be sad, I'm going in a big/fun/new direction and will be posting much more: Follow / subscribe / love me at my new URL? clareyt.tumblr.com

Jiffy Snippets - 1/8/11

2012-01-08T19:08:00.000-08:00

A crisp beer, a book, a chair with sunlight on it

Personal: Late last month I helped one of my high school best friend's raise nearly $8,000 in an evening for her younger sister that's sick with stage four Hodgkin's Lymphoma. We held the silent auction/fundraiser in our tiny hometown and people donated beforehand and also arrived in droves. It makes me even more proud to call that place home, a notion I never imagined possible given my fierce and undying love of it. Seeing so many people open their wallets to her rekindled my faith in humankind in a way that's never happened to me before. Humbled.

Screen: Downton Abbey's entire first season on Netflix. Second season begins tonight. I never tire of period television and Masterpiece Classics is a complete goldmine. Watched the Any Human Heart series as well (also on Netflix), a screenplay adaptation of a book that tugged at every literary heartstring beneath my sternum.

Books: Any Human Heart by William Boyd (did you see that coming?), Twenties Girl by Sophie Kinsella because FB likes her and I want to be her (FB, not Twenties Girl), and On Writing by Stephen King because all of the bourgeois things I've been enjoying in the past few weeks make me want to journal like a madwoman.

Online: Stanford University is offering some of their popular computer sciences online to the public, free. Check out the two entrepreneurship courses: The Lean Launchpad and Technology Entrepreneurship.

Tara recently blogged about My Permissions, a website that allows you to log in to your social channels and revoke various permissions from years past. Mine was sort of horrifying. The clean slate feels nice.

Dan Nolan is a friend that geeks out about personal finance as much as I do. He recently wrote about the daily spend value method, a trick I've been using for two years (although I didn't come up with a cool name for it like he did). If you find yourself spending too often and out of cash long before pay day, this will cure you.

Working in social media, I find myself constantly explaining why amounts aren't as important as matter. Jeremiah Owyang sums it up perfectly in Number of Fans and Followers is Not a Business Metric - What You Do With Them Is. Thanks, Nick, for introducing me to his blog.

Given my twelve years of ballet history that began when I was only three years old, this video demonstrating the tragedy of first position made me smile pretty hard:

Hope you have an amazing work week. Go get it.

Pivots and Pirouettes

2012-01-05T20:57:00.000-08:00

Hi, it's me. I went from barely known blogger working a dead end web position at a university in Colorado to the only social media manager of a hugely successful company and concept (believe me, it was successful before me). I love what I do. I pop out of bed. I curl my hair in the morning. I go to the gym. I walk to work and back every day, almost 4 miles. I participate in my life. I'm soulfully alive again.

My Twitter account links to my Tumblr. My Tumblr links to here, where I have poured my heart out more than once. That said, this space is getting far more traffic from colleagues and applicants to our program than it ever had when it was just me, whoever I blackmailed into reading it on a regular basis, and any of you wonderful people tuning in now.

So...if I told you this space was about to become more tech / career / entrepreneurship / travel / personal finance oriented, would you stick around? Stil no niche, but more polished? Hope you will stay on the journey with me.

2011 Goals - Recap

2011-12-29T12:30:00.000-08:00

Be more independent.

Debatable. I'm fairly clingy with D. and all my close friends. I need to get it through my brain that "aloof" and "independent" are not the same. I haven't mastered how to do my own thing without feeling like I'm being cold to someone else.

Spend more time with girlfriends.
Check.

Read voraciously.
Check.

Run a sub-hour 10K.
Run a half marathon.
Nope.

Travel to Europe.
Nope.

Volunteer.
Check! But I need/want to do more of it.

Save $2,500 towards a Roth IRA.

I did open an IRA this year and saved $3,300 towards retirement. I have every intention of maxing it out at $5,000 for 2012 and opening a second one.

Begin to invest.

Check. Thank you, DailyWorth for telling me about Betterment. I still have a lot to learn. Book recommendations?

Stay active, exercise 3-4 times per week.
Fail. I went full steam at mach 12 and then injured my knees. Was a sack of potatoes for most of 2011 even though I just recently joined a gym. "The first wealth is health," has really hit home recently though and I've been going at least every other day now.

Purchase a nice (used) car.
I scrapped this goal earlier this year when I decided to attack my student loan debt instead. For now, D. and I share his car and costs. He's very generous.

Decide next big move - stay put or run away?

Made a big change and staying put, for all the right reasons. I love where I'm at in my life right now.

O Hai, Christmas Nostalgia.

2011-12-23T12:42:00.000-08:00

Ashley recently wrote about the annual nostalgia that's felt when you're a twenty something and you travel home for the holidays - how it ebbs and flows and as she has gotten older, it doesn't feel as melodramatic. This morning, another friend tweeted, "At JFK JetBlue terminal and have not seen anybody from high school. Might finally be aging out of that particular inevitability." Then I decided to walk two miles across town in foot high snow to cuddle with a dog I know. During my snowy journey, When You Say Nothing At All came on Pandora in my headphones and jarred me back to my first flight home from University of Hawaii for Christmas during my freshman year, one of the first times I listened to it. I had decided that the song would be my song for my first-ever boyfriend. It was naively sweet at the time but looking back I realize that I only chose it because he never had anything nice to say - his kindest moments were silence.

I've come a long way since I was eighteen and the best thing that I thought I had going for me was a guy who could be mistaken for kind if he wasn't talking. I realize that sounds bitter but that's not my point. I'm way too old to be waxing nostalgic about the first guy that didn't treat me well. This one's about me-- I'm ten years older and working in a job I genuinely love in a beautiful town. I'm paying off my student loans in the next 16 months, maxing out a Roth IRA, nurturing the relationships that matter, and cutting toxic situations out of my life bit by bit. My personal net worth is higher than it has ever been. I am drinking less. I am walking to and from work and getting healthier. It's all by choice. I used to be convinced that I had to have a guy to validate whether I was a worthwhile human being. I've spent far too many years worrying about whether or not I'm lovable. Trying to be liked by everyone is as futile as absorbing a sea. When Christmas rolls around, I don't worry anymore about who will be in town when I'm home or who will be offended if I don't visit them or why someone hasn't called me yet either. I let it all go. I'm okay with it, all grow'ed up. I'll go home, clink wine glasses with my mother, drink all of the coffee that my father brews for ten people even though it's just the four of us, exchange in the usual self deprecating joke-off with my brother and take high-contrast phone pictures of the Rocky Mountains.

I'm a real woman, self-made. I'm flawed and obsessive, too hard on myself, quick to judge and faster to forgive, but above all stubbornly self-sufficient. Now that I'm living with The Guy, it's interesting to watch all of the insignificant stuff fall away with little to no effort on my part. When the blinds in our bedroom come crashing down after I yank on them too hard, he just smiles and says, "Babe, you're so strong." And 10 Christmases after that first plane ride home, I know I am... maybe for the first time.

Ch-ch-changes!

2011-12-18T20:34:00.000-08:00

Since we're in the last month of it, I've been pondering 2011 quite a bit. It's easy to feel as though the days are running together but I have made a lot of changes in a year's time. I feel proud.

Body

Got a long overdue eye exam followed by glasses followed by understanding what it's like to actually see things.
Stopped putting sugar in my coffee.
Joined a gym.

Wallet

Considered going back to school for licensing in stenography / court reporting. So glad I didn't. Never wrote about it here either.
Opened a Roth IRA.
Decided to pay off my student loans before I turn 30.
Stopped serving tables as a side hustle once and for all.
Picked up a new side hustle writing for a resort corporation.
Quit the university.
Landed my actual dream job.

Heart

Moved across town. Twice.
Gained a southern best friend (the best kind).
Got honest about my anxiety.
Attended my ten year high school reunion.
Put my hands on one of my high school friend's first pregnant tummy.
Went to Las Vegas (twice).
Went to Michigan in the summer time.

Oops

Tried (and failed) to read Infinite Jest over a summer.
Gave myself runners' knee in both legs and had to find other ways to exercise.
Tried (and failed) P90X Lean.
Many other things, I'm sure.

Anyway (Curse of the Moral Compass)

2011-12-16T09:06:00.000-08:00

{I haven't been blogging as much because a few things are eating at me. I'm going to attempt bravery and just write about them instead.}

One of my closest friends is battling stage four Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Her older sister is my childhood / high school best friend. I'm helping wherever I can with raising money for the bills, putting together a silent auction and benefit, and rallying the resources of our hometown around her while she kicks cancer's ass. Her struggle is my struggle. That's how I have always felt about the people with whom I am close. In the age of social networking, it's easier than ever to spread the awareness for her fund. The flip side of this coin is that free will allows anyone to think anything they would like about why I would do such a thing.

I'm as close with my cousin Ariana as I am because we have both been plagued by what we call, "the curse of the moral compass," our whole lives. My brother and I talk about it often too and we joke that it runs in the family. In short, the moral compass is a curse because in using it to guide your life and actions, it results in judgment / alienation / anger by or from any number of people around you when you do any combination of the following:

a) Choose to take the noble, high road.
b) Do something important for your own life that benefits only yourself.
c) Protect someone else that can't protect him/herself.
d) Do any solo mission out of the good of your heart. (The cheese stands alone.)
e) Anything else that can be classified as a reckless act of kindness.
f) Refuse to participate in mean-spirited gossip.

We kid that it's a curse because it's not an active choice. I am compelled to do/be good because that's how I wake up every day.

There will always be people that decide it's for other reasons.

If you do good, strangers will decide that you were only doing good to get credit for it or for show.

If you do good, people that have never done good will decide that there must be something terrible inside your past for which you have to compensate. Why? That's the only reason they would do good, and they don't understand any other reasoning for it.

If you do good, you will lose former loved ones that decided that your doing good was somehow a coldhearted, personal blow to them by the rule of exclusion.

I'm not a saint. I'm learning to be more confident but I have never thought highly of myself. I'm just a woman who is willing to do anything for the people she loves. If it means that people in my life continue to come and go frequently because they are convinced it means something different, it's their own loss.

...It's not between me and them anyway.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
- Mother Teresa

Annual Work Reunion in Las Vegas

2011-12-13T20:05:00.000-08:00

This is obviously my first annual reunion in my new position / at this company but it's their third. We opted for Las Vegas this year and an unconference in Caesar's Palace.

With Laura. We took a penny slot machine for all it was worth - a $5.55 profit.

I'm never going to forget this weekend. It was a non-stop mixture of inspiration and startups and I finally had the chance to meet a lot of the mentors and founders that make us great.

That said, the average person's absorption rate suffers from the stimuli overload in Sin City. Add the flashing lights, bare butts, and people watching of drunkards to three intense days of meetings, panels, and speakers, and you get tired. By the last day I felt like a hologram of myself (rainbow, shaky, ready to turn into static).

Oh, and this:

Thanks, dep sleeprivation! I threw the socks away once security allowed me back into my room.

From the speakers:

"Coming from a dysfunctional family is an unfair advantage, because it gives an uncanny ability to bring order out of chaos." - Steve Blank

"Money is only useful if you are following your dreams." - Ben Huh, CEO of Cheezburger

"Success is a terrible teacher. It deludes you into thinking you cannot fail. We learn more from failure." - Don Dodge, Google developer advocate

During the early morning before our flight out of Vegas, Laura tiredly asked me, "How much have do we time?" and I said, "Me too."

This also happened in the caverns of the conference center, late at night, during the final evening and a game of Werewolf, and I still laugh every time I think about it:

They checked on him. He was just ~~really, really drunk~~ fine.

I love my job.

I Talk Like I Surf the Internet

2011-12-08T06:47:00.000-08:00

And it has to stop.

An in-person, recent conversation between my brother (Shad) and I recently:

Me: So how is the new job?
Shad: It's good, they--
Me: --and what do they have you working on?
Shad: Well, I'm still going to--
Me: --what time do you have to be there in the morning? Do you take the bus?
Shad: Yeah, I--
Me: --Do you park at the park 'n ride? How early to you have to get up and afkdlafjslruouriowfkaljd83490289042cnmnc,asd,fdnsamf,snam,fns,d438190891adkjfdkal.?
Shad: ...
Me: So you like it then?!
Shad: sigh.
Me: HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON? So good. - boots up laptop -

When you quickly gather the most information possible in the shortest amount of space/time for a living, it's too easy to get caught up living the rest of your moments like this. When I get the gist of a topic / the top five links on a Google search of it, I zoom onward with the wind in my hair. To the next task! That's not okay to do during a conversation with real people.

I'm going to stop now though. I'm listening.

Job Transitions & Work Self Esteem

2011-11-27T20:28:00.000-08:00

In the past, I learned things the hard way. I had to walk through the river and get my shoes soaking wet before realizing that the footbridge was probably the better, dryer option. A sort of hypothermia-driven why-did-I-do-that would really drive the point home. Personal testimonies from the experienced fell on deaf ears and typically meant nothing. It's not that I was too proud or didn't care about what others said, just that I had a skull so thick that I couldn't grasp a lesson without tumbling down the hard, longer path first. On the bright side, I think this quality was the result of being financially on my own since a young age, constantly relocating in my twenties, experiencing ridiculous consumer debt and (and then digging myself out of it alone), and generally never settling down. Let's go with that version instead of the likely truth: I was a dangerous combination of strong-willed and glaringly naive. (Inner critic: "Was, Clare?")

A friend recently sent me his resume and asked me to look it over for a position he really wants. He prefaced the e-mail attachment with, "There's no way I'm going to get the job." I replied, "Definitely not with that attitude." If you can't make yourself believe that you belong in a company, that you are needed, how are you even going to interview? It's not about acting or selling. It's about carrying yourself confidently because you believe in yourself.

...I'm not really one to talk. My work self esteem tends to hang on the low side. I have been at my new job for a little over a month now. It was exhilarating (and to be real, terrifying) to go from a safe government position where I held no authority and my every move was micro-managed by three other people to a managerial position within a company where independence and hustle is encouraged. I'm still getting the lay of the land but I'm loving every minute of it. My biggest takeaway so far is that I'm only as qualified as I believe. I work with a group of people that are determined to never work for anyone else in their lives: entrepreneurs. It's inspiring but staggering.

I'm deeply critical of myself so it's easy to wander off into worst case scenario daydreams but I'm not going to learn to how to have the best job I've ever had the hard way. I love where I am now so I will move forward. I will work hard, push, never give up, and be grateful. I don't say a lot of loving things about myself, but a strong work ethic is just in my nature. I believe in me.

The Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas, WOMMA, and People You Feel Like You Have Known Your Whole Life

2011-11-19T22:09:00.001-08:00

view from the room

I go to Las Vegas for WOMMA. The cab driver from the airport is the nicest I've ever had, a fellow named Zy. He tells me all about how he overcame homelessness and that he stopped drinking when he was 21 years old in 1991. He fondly mentions his kids and when I ask how old they are, he says, "They're the furry kind. You should move here and get dogs. No fleas in Nevada. Too dry." Even though the valet guys at the hotel are openly and unnecessarily rude to him, he hands me my bags with a, "Bless your heart, child." My favorite kind of person.

My irreverent, observational sense of humor only makes one person in the elevator visibly uncomfortable but it's still enough to make me stop.

We eat at Ellis Island Brewery, a locals spot. A table for one is seated twice in front of me. Both times are single men, no wedding rings, wearing ball caps. Neither order booze. Both have the soup special, eating and paying efficiently, quietly. Secondhand smoke hangs in my hair and I don't mind because it's part of the charm. The restaurant is 115 feet away from where Tupac Shakur died. I discover this on the walk home because I am fully dismayed that you can Foursquare the spot.

Rev Run breezes past us in the lobby at the Cosmo with his family and entourage. I resist the overwhelming urge to tweet at him.

I work from my hotel room and completely lose track of what time of day it is, only stopping to go out for coffee or absorb conference activities about top notch word of mouth marketing. Katy Perry will perform below where I am staying 24 hours after I leave and it makes me feel fourteen again even though I'm ambivalent about her.

At the networking party by the pool, girls dressed like birds float in plastic bubbles, kneeling in heels. Considering this and the four foot deep Japanese soaking tub in my room upstairs, I am equal parts delighted and appalled by the excess. It only takes one glass of wine to launch me into a glassy-eyed daydream that juxtaposes Las Vegas to the Capitol in the Hunger Games and I snap back to reality when someone introduces themselves, remind myself that I need to stop reading young adult literature.

Ten hours before the flight home, we make a friend named Nate from California and it feels as though I have known him my entire life. We talk in hashtags around Las Vegas Boulevard for four hours while I scout locations for a work-related conference that will happen here in the very near future. He's Christian and my religion is that kindness is just love with its work boots on (a line from House Bunny, to be honest) and so we have common ground.

Social media people = my people.

I also met Lauren, with whom I share the all of the same internet friends. This means we are now friends too.

At the Thursday night network gathering with Lauren. (I got an ombre, p.s.)

November in Pictures

2011-11-13T09:08:00.001-08:00

1. Drew and Brian, my chairlift partners in Keystone.

2. View of Seattle from the rental car on a work trip last week.

3. Bought my first complete snowboard setup. Committing to excellence.

4. Goblin Grog at BFF Whitney's seven course Halloween dinner.

5. Fresh snow runs on the mountains at Keystone.

6. The face of a girl standing in her empty apartment, moments before moving in with the love of her life.

Want to Read Something Disjointed? Okay.

2011-11-02T18:50:00.000-07:00

Oh hi, blog.

It's week three at my new job and at the risk of sounding basic and inarticulate, I just love it.

Life has been full and busy, challenging but rewarding, and happy but sad.

In typical who is reading this blog? fashion, I find myself second guessing how much to share now. Last weekend when I went home, I found out a friend passed away earlier in the week. For the first half of my twenties, I just didn't like myself very much. This person was someone I was close to because he was a fierce friend and emotionally resuscitated me during my one of my standard summers of self hatred in 2003. And 2004. Oh, and 2005, 2006, 2007. He was unabashedly truthful, even when it hurt to hear. Especially then. He always wore pink pants and he was exactly rude enough to make you feel like it was the best kind of tough love. So to hear that he's gone from our little blue orb hurts. I held it in all night until we got back to the house and then unleashed a hurricane of tears on Ariana (my cousin slash favorite person), who comforted me for an entire evening. Moki, my parents' kitty, must have felt the grief too because she slept in my arms all night, squeezing me with her paws whenever I tossed or turned. I hate writing this because it sounds like it's about me, the pain of loss. It's not. My dad summed it up best: "Being a human being is so messy." I will remember Jordan as the guy who repeatedly punched me in the arm and opened my beers and told me to stop fucking kidding myself all the time.

Other things? Traveling a lot this month, for work/pleasure/surgery in the family. I have been neglecting my social life and friends and telling myself it's just because I'm busy at the new job and with clients but the reality is that I'm becoming sort of an introvert. For so many reasons, I feel myself becoming more guarded, evaluating who to trust. This shouldn't be at the expense of the people I care about though.

To randomly conclude, it occurred to me the other night as I walked home from work that all of the things that I feel so blessed about are things I demanded for myself. Funny how when you start expecting more, you automatically deliver, for yourself.

I'm growing up. Life is so good.

Remember That Sea Change I Needed?

2011-10-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

{Disclaimer: I kindly ask that you do not name either of the companies mentioned below in the comments. Thanks.}

I've been speaking in riddles 'round these parts for months now, implying that I was unhappy with a certain part of my life but not being very direct and choosing to just avoid the conversation instead.

It doesn't take a mathematician to guess that the certain part of my life that I was feeling restless and unsatisfied about was my job at the university, where I have been working rather discontentedly for over two years.

Friday was my last day. I had built myself a new position with a company in town that I've known for years and really adore. As an enthusiast of their brand, I had been telling them, "You're missing this and this and this. Let me show you how it could be better." I went so far as to write a full time job description so they would understand what kind of responsibilities and financial opportunities they were deeply neglecting. At the end of September, they offered me a full time job.

Then the opportunity of a lifetime knocked on my door-- an entirely different company, asking me to do similar work in another industry but on a much more demanding level and with room to meet and work with great minds. Neither company was hiring or had listed an opening. This is the part that keeps stunning me when I stop to think about it and I'm even hesitant to write about it here. I'll be mid-sentence about something else entirely and then find myself shocked into silence, mouth hanging open in wonder, mind wandering. I'm the qualified person? My time at the university has been a learning experience and my co-workers and managers have been wildly supportive but it just hasn't been an environment where I can thrive. When you're stuck in a position with no room to grow, it's difficult to remember your own endless potential. That's why I escaped.

I'll tell you this: the new job is social media management in technology / business and I could not be happier. I pinched myself at my desk this afternoon, on day two, to see if it's all a dream. So far, it's real. (No one saw, I looked around first.)

I'm not a know-it-all of anything. I'm not someone that brags. But I am recklessly ambitious, persistent, eternally grateful for my life, never done learning, humbled, and beside myself.

Mostly I want to say that none of this would have played out the way it has without the incredible network of support and relationships I've built in Boulder since 2007. Thank you, friends. The people in my little world here have made it quite impossible for me to fail. Stumble? Sure. Fail? Never. They spot me while I lift more than is safe. Now watch my face turn red while I pull some muscles.

We kiss or we wound, still, we must come together.

2011-10-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

A poem by the talented David Rakoff that I heard on an older episode of This American Life has embedded itself in my emotions and even gone so far as to change the way I handled a few things since I heard it last week. I must share it. Or hear it here.

Nathan, at one of the outlying tables,
His feet tangled up in the disc jockey’s cables,
Surveyed the room, as unseen as a ghost,
While he mulled over what he might say for his toast.
Though the couple had asked him for this benediction,
It seemed at odds with parking him here by the kitchen.
That he’d shown up at all was still a surprise.
And not just to him; it was there in the eyes
Of the guests who’d seen a mirage and drew near
And then covered their shock with a “Nathan! You’re here!”
And then silence. They’d nothing to say beyond that.
A few of the braver souls lingered to chat.
They all knew. It was neither a secret nor mystery
That he and the couple had quite an odd history.
Their bonds were a tangle of friendship and sex.
Josh, his best pal once. And Patty, his ex.
For a while he could barely go out in the city
Without a being a punchline or object of pity.
‘Poor Nathan’ had virtually become his new name,
And so he showed up just to show he was game
Though his invite was late, a forgotten addendum.
For Nathan there could be no more clear referendum
That he need but endure through this evening and then
He would likely not see Josh and Patty again.
Josh’s sister was speaking. A princess in peach.
Nathan dug in his pocket to study his speech.
He’d poured over Bartlett’s for couplets to filch.
He’d stayed up until three, still came up with zilch.
Except for instructions he’d underscored twice.
Just two words in length, and those words were ‘be nice’.
Too often, he thought, our emotions betray us
And reason departs once we’re up on the dais.
He’d witnessed uncomfortable moments where others had lost their way quickly,
Where sisters and brothers had gotten too prickly
And peppered their babbling with stories of benders,
Or lesbian dabbling or spot-on impressions of mothers-in-law.
Which true, Nathan thought, always garnered guffaws
But the price seemed too high with the laugh seldom cloaking
Hostility masquerading as joking
No, he’d swallow his rage and he’d bank all his fire.
He knew that in his case the bar was set higher.
Folks were just waiting for him to erupt.
They’d be hungry for blood even though they had supped.
They’d want tears or some other unsightly reaction.
And Nathan would not give them that satisfaction.
Though Patty a harlot and Josh was a lout,
At least Nathan knew what he’d not talk about.
I won’t wish them divorce, that they wither and sicken
Or tonight that they choke on their salmon or chicken.
I won’t mention that time when the cottage lost power
In that storm on the Cape and they left for an hour
And they thought it was just the cleverest ruse
To pretend it took that long to switch out the fuse.
Or that time Josh advised me with so much insistence
That I should grant Patty a little more distance,
That the worst I could do was hamper and crowd her,
That if Patty felt stifled she’d just take a powder,
That a plant needs its space just as much as its water,
And I shouldn’t give Patty that ring that I’d bought her,
Which in retrospect only elicits a “Gosh,
I hardly deserved a friend like you, Josh.”
No I won’t spill those beans or make myself foolish
To satisfy appetites venal and ghoulish.
I will not be the blot on this hellish affair.
And with that, Nathan pushed out and rose from his chair.
And just by the tapping of knife against crystal,
All eyes turned his way, like he’d fired off a pistol.
“Ah hem, Joshua, Patricia, dear family and friends,
A few words, if you will, before everything ends.
You’ve promised to honor, to love and obey,
We’ve quaffed our champagne and been cleansed by sorbet,
All in endorsement of your hers-and-his-dom.
So now let me add my two cents’ worth of wisdom.
I was wracking my brain sitting here at this table
Until I remembered this suitable fable
That gets at a truth, though it may well distort us
So here with the tale of the scorpion and tortoise.
The scorpion was hamstrung, his tail all aquiver.
Just how would he manage to get ‘cross the river?
‘The water’s so deep,’ he observed with a sigh,
Which pricked at the ears of the tortoise nearby.
‘Well, why don’t you swim?’ asked the slow-moving fellow.
‘Unless you’re afraid. I mean, what are you, yellow?’
‘It isn’t a matter of fear or of whim,’
Said the scorpion. ‘But that I don’t know how to swim.’
‘Ah, forgive me. I didn’t mean to be glib
When I said that I figured you were an amphib-
ian.’ ‘No offense taken,’ the scorpion replied.
‘But how ’bout you help me to reach the far side?
You swim like a dream and you have what I lack.
What say you take me across on your back?’
‘I’m really not sure that’s the best thing to do,’
Said the tortoise. ‘Now that I see that it’s you.
You’ve a less than ideal reputation preceding.
There’s talk of your victims all poisoned and bleeding.
You’re the scorpion. And, how can I say this but, well,
I just don’t feel safe with you riding my shell.’
The scorpion replied, ‘What would killing you prove?
We’d both drown. So tell me how would that behoove
Me to basically die at my very own hand,
When all I desire is to be on dry land?’
The tortoise considered the scorpion’s defense.
When he gave it some thought it made perfect sense.
The niggling voice in his mind he ignored
And he swam to the bank and called out, ‘Climb aboard.’
But just a few moments from when they set sail,
The scorpion lashed out with his venomous tail.
The tortoise too late understood that he’d blundered
When he felt his flesh stabbed and his carapace sundered.
As he fought for his life he said, ‘Tell me why
You have done this? For we now will surely both die.’
‘I don’t know!’ cried the scorpion. ‘You never should trust
A creature like me because poison I must.
I’d claim some remorse or at least some compunction
But I just can’t help it. My form is my function.
You thought I’d behave like my cousin the crab,
But unlike him, it is my nature to stab.’
The tortoise expired with one final quiver,
And then both of them sank, swallowed up by the river.
The tortoise was wrong to ignore all his doubts
Because in the end, friends, our natures will out.”
Nathan paused, cleared his throat, took a sip of his drink.
He needed these extra few seconds to think.
The room had gone frosty; the tension was growing.
Folks wondered precisely where Nathan was going.
The prospects of skirting fiasco seemed dim,
But what he said next surprised even him.
“So what can we learn from their watery ends?
Is there some lesson on how to be friends?
I think what it means is that central to living
A life that is good, is a life that’s forgiving.
We’re creatures of contact, regardless of whether
We kiss or we wound, still, we must come together.
Though it may spell destruction, we still ask for more
Since it beats staying dry but so lonely on shore.
So we make ourselves open while knowing full well
It’s essentially saying, ‘Please, come pierce my shell.’”
Silence doesn’t paint the depth of quiet in that room.
There was no clinking stemware toasting to the bride or groom.
You could’ve heard a petal as it landed on the floor.
And in that stillness Nathan turned and walked right out the door.

Facebook + Mom = Endless Hilarity

2011-10-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

I am Clare. Ariana is my cousin. Cheryl is my mother.

Tough Stuff: Resistance from Loved Ones

2011-10-02T20:22:00.000-07:00

A conversation with the lovely Red on Twitter...

This is a topic close to my heart. I don't think it's a black and white issue nor does it boil down to something as simple as jealousy. As I continued to talk to Red and our mutual blog friends, I explained that in my experience, it stems from a loved one's annoyance (best case scenario) or resentment (worst case scenario) that you are effecting a positive change and/or have the gumption to do something strong for yourself and they could do the same thing but do not, for whatever reason-- lack of willpower, resources, etc. I wasn't the only person who replied to Red in agreement that she deserved more support and that people could relate.

I'm sure this is a touchy subject for many. I still experience both sides of it and constantly check myself when I realize my words and actions err on the unsupportive or judgmental side. Is it a fear of being left behind? A concern that the person making improvements won't share common ground when they reach their ambitious goal? The audacity! Humans are so fearful, often for no reason.

When I didn't drink for 30 days last fall, certain friends distanced themselves from me. When I announced that I'm going to pay off my student loan debt before my 30th birthday, I was met with skepticism and, "Yeah, right!" even from some of my closest friends. Some even rolled their eyes! I'm not sensitive enough to think they meant to hurt my feelings, but the you-can-do-this comments were few and far between in real life. When meat eating strangers find out I'm vegetarian, some meet the news with a, "So, you think you're better than me?" sentiment, incredulous. So what gives? I still don't understand it completely but I think recognizing it for what it is equips me with the sass to keep moving forward, always. And in the words of the great Johnny Depp, "Just keep moving forward and don't give a shit about what anybody thinks."

Observe and acknowledge the loved ones that never doubt you and thank them for it. If they aren't your cheerleader right away, don't dwell on it. Move on. For me at least, the people who matter the most have always come around.

Errant Cigarette Demolishes Town and Other Songs of Anxiety

2011-09-30T06:03:00.000-07:00

Taking a gutsy leap - please be gentle. This is the post I wrote May 4th and promptly deleted. I'm feeling much better now. I'm posting this for anyone and everyone that has ever experienced anxiety. You are not alone.

--

Close friends have both been talking about the importance of honesty in the writing of a good blog. That's something I avoid like the plague 'round these parts, instead sharing inane lists of how many miles I plan to run in a month or what financial goals I'm patting myself on the back for lately. Today I will put my pride aside because this needs to be said, even if I'm the only one hearing it.

I have dealt with some form of anxiety for most of my life. I've even joked about my OCD at this blog. Many people refer to their OCD but very few people actually mean it. Watch me try to leave my house four times and you will see what I mean. Someone I love very dearly recently told me, "Clare, you need to stop." I would like to say the issue came up in conversation because this friend is tender and observant. While those qualities do describe the guy in question, anyone with the gift of hearing and eyesight that spends more than ten minutes in my presence will realize that my anxiety and worrisome nature is off the charts. I've been floating through the past year and a half, wringing my metaphorical hands every time I turn a corner. What if, what if, what if.

Make no mistake, I don't want to live like this. Not only is it emotionally exhausting and unhealthy, it's pointless. “Worry is like a rocking chair--it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.” But my inner zen self, if she's even in there in the first place, eludes me. I see a glimpse of her jacket as she disappears around street corners. I can't catch up to her. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is reach for my smart phone and quickly open my daily e-mail from the Universe and tiredly cling to its reassurance that trauma doesn't await my loved ones today. That another day will pass and everything will be all right.

This is humiliating to admit but by the end of an average work day in the past few years, I've envisioned countless scenarios of catastrophe. There are constant moments in my work building when the elevator doors can't close or open fast enough, when I run from an imagined gunman (the janitor) or bomb (a clarinet case), when I believe I am literally dying of anaphylactic shock at my desk because today is definitely the first day that I am ever allergic to bananas. The stranger in front of me on my walk home is smoking a cigarette that isn't extinguished properly and it demolishes the entire city, including my house. That twinge near my thigh under my jeans is definitely an angry bee that somehow teleported into my skinny jeans and this is going to end like My Girl. Does it? No. But anxiety is deeply psychological. Little dances in my brain are selling me on the fact that it's not okay and if that isn't bad enough, it won't ever be okay again. Panic. In college I was assaulted by a stranger with a gun in my own yard at night (I fought like hell and got away from him). That's not what started the anxiety, though I'm sure it didn't exactly help. Truthfully, I have been anxious my entire life. Intellectually, I know the constant fears are wildly inaccurate. In hindsight after the fact, most of it is even funny, like when you're having a bad dream and you can't picture anything more scary and when you're awake hours later, you no longer understand how you were gripped with such irrational fear about bears in tutus. When it's happening, helpless and hopeless are the only words that come to mind. Symptoms of anxiety are like a fire drill at full volume in your central nervous system.

I had the rare opportunity to come in two hours late to work last week so I brewed a pot of caramel coffee and cracked open Nearer the Moon, Anais Nin's journals from 1937-1939. I've had my copy since I was a teenager and still love it fiercely. It's one of the very few items that has survived my countless I-never-needed-this! material purges as I've moved between three states and too many houses and apartments. As the years pass, her journals begin to make a little more sense. Then more.

...and then suddenly I have been 28 for a couple of weeks and I stumble upon a quote by her that articulates what haunts me day in and out.

"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes one feel as you might when a drowning man holds unto you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic."

This isn't who I am. It has been rearing its ugly head for too long and I need to change. So I do my laundry, I pack lunches for the week, hand wash the dishes, laugh at an e-mail, stand up all the shampoo bottles in my clawfoot tub after they have fallen over for the fourth time in a day, and breathe. I lecture my closest friends about happiness, telling them it's not something to pursue, that it's RIGHT HERE already. Maybe in the same sense, I need to stop chasing the impossible calm. If I've learned anything about anxiety, it's that there is no magic doorway to get out of the dark place. I have to recreate the room. Hang up a zillion metaphorical Christmas lights and disco balls and tell the darkness to fuck off, one moment at a time.

Slumberbash 2011

2011-09-22T19:05:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm still technically on blog hiatus. :)
--

I read Whitney's famous food blog for a year before she e-mailed my boyfriend, with whom she went to college, to ask if his girlfriend was the blogger behind Never Niche, having recognized my face in his Facebook photos. I didn't have the slightest clue that they were college friends nor had I ever hoped she would have stumbled upon my blog.

We declared our friendship born the first time we met in person shortly after she and the husband moved to Denver. We met up for drinks at a speakeasy and they had a bus to catch shortly thereafter. She had ordered a top-shelf bourbon cocktail and was trying to force it down. When we stood up to leave, it was still half full.

Me: ...you're not going to finish that?
Whitney: No way. It is a man drink.
Me: - picks it up and downs it all in a casual swig -
Whitney: Yessss. Marry me?

Since that moment we have shared countless sentiments, SNL impersonations (hers are better), bottles of wine, hikes, arguing over who gets to pay the bill (usually I take her card like we're going to split and then just sit on it), table slaps, flapjacks, and several wonderful nights of dinner prepared carefully for hours (by her, duh) and eaten lovingly by me in sheer minutes (clearly). Not living in the same city is rough. Six weeks ago, I told Whitney, "I want Drew and I to spend an entire weekend at your place in Denver with you and Brian. I don't ever want to be apart." I was half joking but she just nodded and scheduled it. I've been emotionally all over the place and silly stressed and the perfect prescription was Whitney's kitchen.

So last weekend, Drew and I headed to Denver to bond with our favorite married couple, dance, eat, cuss, and drink red wine.


Sometimes I do intentionally annoying things like pose like Nicole Richie just to see if anyone notices. One of my favorite friends did and probably everyone else was just annoyed. I love you, Justin.

We also made beet ravioli stuffed with egg yolks and ricotta and deep fried apple fritters from scratch. If you had seen the look of wonder on my face! It was not unlike the first time a child rides a bicycle without training wheels away from her controlling parents! See also: glee.

The moral of the story is to find a fierce girlfriend that loves you even when you're beyond ridiculous, can cook up a storm, and then make sure to keep the conversation constantly going so that she never notices that you haven't offered to host yet, which would inevitably include claustrophobia in your hobbit hole of a tiny studio and microwaved Easy Mac. Okay, maybe boiled. I'm fancy.

Moral of the story #2: food and wine heals all. I love you, Whit. Yeasss.

Moving on a Budget - Guest Post by Doniree

2011-08-11T12:54:00.000-07:00

Hi, Never Niche readers! I'm Doni. I met Clare after moving to Boulder from Minnesota in early 2010, though I've since left Colorado for greener (literally!) pastures and now live in Portland, Oregon. If there's one thing I've learned in those two moves it's this: moving can be very expensive! Truck rental, security deposits, cable/Internet service setup, and new utilty bills - these are just a few of the things that can jack up your living expenses before you’ve even fully unpacked. Having made two cross-country moves in the past two years, here are few things I've learned about how to budget for a big move (or a not-so-big move!):

My absolute number one tip and lesson learned?

Know your costs.
Seems like such a no-brainer, huh? Create a budget? Well, it's true for a reason.

The fastest way to run out of money is to not know how much you needed in the first place. My first big move was poorly estimated, but I survived. Costs of the moving process include:

transportation: are you packing up your compact car or renting a moving truck? Both of these have expenses tied to them (namely gas), and these are costs that should be estimated before you hit the road. I moved from Minnesota to Colorado in a rental car, an SUV that carried everything I wanted to bring with me. As a note, one-way rental cars are typically more expensive than a rental car you pick up and return at the same place. It’s a viable alternative to a moving truck (especially since gas will be cheaper), and it’s worth exploring as an option.
meals while in transit: Are you going to pack a cooler for the trip, or use restaurant breaks to also stretch your legs and walk around? Either of those are fine, but knowing (and budgeting!) ahead of time makes this so much easier. The more frugal option is obviously to pack your own food, and a small cooler for sandwich meat and fruits/veggies, with a stash of energy bars, water bottles, and bread/tortilla shells can be just what you need to power through long drives (and avoid the temptation to stop at restaurants!)
lodging between Point A and Point B: This is particularly true if you're moving long distances and your road trip might need an overnight. That's fine, but knowing when/where you're going to stop before you get there (and finding a deal on a hotel ahead of time) can save a lot of money. The more frugal option? If you can plan your route to include a stop at a friend or family member's house, not only do you save on a hotel but you get to catch up!
security deposit: It’s likely that when you get to your new place, you’re going to need to hand over more than just the first month’s rent. Security deposits are often the same as your monthly rent, so Day One in a new place can cost you twice your monthly rent expenses. Plus, if you own pets, have storage, or want a parking spot, these expenses should be considered as well.

These are the absolute basics, but you should also have an idea in mind of cost and budget of Things to Buy Once You’ve Arrived, including: cleaning supplies, Internet service, and the set-up of basic utilities (such as electricity).

Choose a money-saving location.
This isn't necessarily an option for everyone, but if you can - choose a location that helps keep other long-term costs low.

Live close enough to work to walk or bike. Find a neighborhood with a grocery store within walking or biking distance. Get to know your bus routes (and choose an area with easy access to a buses that go to city centers and shopping centers).

Get rid of things you don't need.
The pre-move purge can be awesome for two big reasons:

Less stuff to move. Fewer bags/boxes, less space needed to transport your stuff. Fewer things to unpack (major bonus!).

We packed everything we owned into a Budget rental truck, and had all kinds of room leftover since the smaller truck we'd reserved wasn't available when we went to pick it up, and they "upgraded" us to this larger one instead. That was nice and all, but we totally didn't need it!

Extra cash. Selling furniture, electronics, clothes, and books you no longer want or need prior to a move is an amazing way to make a little extra cash before you pack up. My boyfriend cleared and extra couple thousand dollars before we moved by shedding sports equipment and some electronics that were collecting dust in closets.

Hire your friends.
This is especially useful if you’re moving within the same city or state, and paying your friends in pizza, beer, wine, or returned favors (like helping THEM move next time) is a much cheaper (and way more fun) alternative to hiring professional movers. I've paid friend for cross-city moves in pizza and their favorite local beers, and am so grateful for the friends who have helped in the past.

Doniree Walker is a freelance writer/blogger based in Portland, Oregon. She spends her free time frequenting Portland’s farmers’ markets, training for a 5K, and daydreaming about the places she plans to travel. She blogs at doniree.com and nomadicfoodie.com, and you can follow her on Twitter @doniree. Freelance clients include UMoveFree, a service helping renters find Little Elm, TX apartments.

Jiffy Snippets - 7/28/11

2011-07-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

traditional July pedicures with Gail

I was jealous to hear about Amber's new gig! She earned it.

I read Stratejoy because Molly's happiness and ambition is contagious.

Drank these at Whitney's place this month and they were incredible. I felt like Betty Draper.

Nothing That's Worthwhile is Ever Easy

The Cost of Being Female is true and financially depressing.

I'm dog-less but still loved Grace's post on Top 10 Places to Bring Your Dog in Downtown Boulder. Good to know!

What I Wore Wednesday: Hemingway Edition

2011-07-28T09:23:00.000-07:00

I was in the midst of vacation when I remembered I wanted to do a What I Wore Wednesday this month. This was a half-assed attempt! Photo taken in the bathroom at the City Grill in Petoskey, Michigan. It's one of Hemingway's old haunts-- he used to sit at the second barstool from the end, sip vodkas, and dream up plots. I'm in love with that wallpaper.

Cardigan - Target

Sequined tank - Urban Outfitters

White jeans - Pitaya

Fringe thong sandals - gift from my mama

Glasses - Finn Sandalwoods from Warby Parker

Toes - Dim Sum Plum by OPI

Jiffy Snippets - 7/18/11

2011-07-18T07:48:00.000-07:00

The Social Side of a Spending Fast

In Mint Condition - A Few of My Favorite Blogs (a few of mine too! Honored to be listed there.)

Blonde on a Budget - Socializing on a Budget

Rock Stars Who Look Like Wizards

Zen Habits - How to Be Happy Anytime

Jill and Manda both made me tear up with their Harry Potter posts. I saw the last movie last night and it was phenomenal.

Kitty a Go Go - A Viking Funeral for a Discover Card
Soooo good.

Jiffy Snippets - 7/11/11

2011-07-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

pineapple face

An Open Letter to L.A. Times Writer Patt Morrisson by Zooey Deschanel
Every time I think I can't love Zooey more, I do.

Daniel Radcliffe Stops Drinking
Booze is not my expecto patronus either. Admire.

Date a Girl Who Reads by Rosemarie Urquico

Save money, don't spend it all on fashion.

A 20SB engagement.
Aww.

Are you ready to start giving to charity?

Weekend Captions

2011-07-10T19:10:00.000-07:00

Toasting the newlyweds, Whitney and Brian.

Historic and current bus depot.

Drinks in the red lit Cruise Room at the Oxford Hotel, where my mama worked when she was my age.