News-Plus.co.cc

Why Is Music So Angry?

2024-03-29T12:00:00.001+00:00

No, you're not wrong. Music really is worse these days than it was when you were younger.

That's not exactly the finding of some new research but it's close enough. A study looked at lyrics of popular songs and found that they're angrier and more repetitive since the 80s.

That shouldn't really come as a surprise. You didn't see that parental advisory sticker on old gramophone records. There was no explicit remix of George Formby's When I'm Cleaning Mother***king Windows, B**ch!" Although that song is about some perv watching a newly married couple have sex, but it's not angry or repetitive so that makes it OK.

They looked at lyrics in rock, rap, country, pop and R&B songs. At the risk of getting cancelled, it feels like rap must be doing a lot of the work here. In the 1980s rap songs seemed peaceful when compared to the drill music that Daily Mail readers get angry about. Although back in the 80s we had songs like The Sugarhill Gang's (see, there were gangs back then too) “Apache” with the lyrics...

Tonto, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it
Kemosabe, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it
Custer, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it
Apache, jump on it, jump on it, woo

Cultural appropriation aside, that's quite repetitive. If a song is quicker to write using control-C, control-V you're repetitive.

Rock songs of the 1980s included things like Van Halen's Jump with the lyrics.

Ah, might as well jump (jump)
Might as well jump
Go ahead and jump (jump)
Go ahead and jump

Still repetitive but for a song that's actually called Jump it tells you to jump less than The Sugarhill Gang did.

The research, published in the journal Scientific Reports, found that anger-related words may have become more common because music "reflects more general changes in society and culture". So, we're more miserable. That fits.

It's not all negative news. Eva Zangerle, an assistant professor at the University of Innsbruck's department of computer science in Austria, found that songs are simpler these days and easier to understand.

I'm grateful for that. The 80s had songs like Teddy Pendergrass "Love T.K.O." which I don't know if that's a good thing or not. The 90s had "Smells Like Teen Spirit" whatever that is.

It predates this study but in 1968 Song by Gary Puckett & The Union Gap released Young Girl, which is basically someone admitting they should be on a register.

Modern day songs are easier, like Megan Thee Stallion's, WAP, which seems to be about a cat in a bath. Ah, simpler times.

» Read the source story

| ☕ TIP (Help by donating)
| 📻 LISTEN (to the new radio podcast)
| 📺 WATCH (YouTube)

Rishi Sunak & Akshata Murty In Grazia Fail

2024-03-08T13:06:00.001+00:00

Rishi Sunak and his wife gave an interview the Grazia magazine and video clips from it went viral from all the wrong reasons.

It’s a standard thing on the run up to a general election, the Prime Minister will give an interview in the hope of coming across as a normal human. It’s telling that our leaders need help from a media team to look like a normal human but we are were we are.

Teresa May did the same on The One Show before the 2017 election where she said the worst thing she ever did was run through a field of wheat. No, it was probably something you did when you were Home Secretary.

It was a fascinating glimpse into the marriage of the current PM as he seems to complain a lot. He mentioned the fact that he doesn’t get time to exercise but she does, that his wife gives the kids unhealthy food, she doesn’t stack the dishwasher correctly and she doesn’t make the bed right.

If I were married to a billionaire I’d probably shut up about that stuff. If my other-half had that much money I’d let her stack the dishwasher all knives up without mentioning it.

There’s a level of passive aggression to it. Previously I presumed he was the kind of man who tried to avoid conflict. His trousers always look like he walks into a room pre-wedgied. I thought that was his way to avoid being bullied at school, to look like he’d already been done.

Rishi went on to explain that after his wife has loaded the dishwasher he’d re-stack it to get it right. After she’d made the bed he’d pop in and make it again properly. It’s a good thing he isn’t busy with anything important. When journalists ask, “How’s it going stopping the small boats?” he should be honest and reply, “Well, not great, but this dishwasher is doing an excellent job.”

After his delight in such domestic tasks was revealed he was asked which he preferred, loading the dishwasher or making the bed. He said, “They both have nice, satisfying endings,” before he picked making the bed. Oi! Oi! You randy old dog, Rishi.

It’s the most human thing he said in that interview and it was by accident.

Comedian Steve N Allen mocks Rishi Sunak for his 'embarrassing' interview with his wife.

"He was so passive aggressive. If I was married to a billionaire, I'd shut up."

📺 Plank Of The Week - https://t.co/ADMD3S11i3 @iromg @THEJamesWhale @BareReality @mrstevenallen pic.twitter.com/b8TNJV0Cp9
— TalkTV (@TalkTV) March 8, 2024

» Read the source story

| ☕ TIP (Help by donating)
| 📻 LISTEN (to the new radio podcast)
| 📺 WATCH (YouTube)

Let’s Solve Discipline In Schools

2024-02-27T14:08:00.001+00:00

'Scared' teachers are locking classrooms because of violent pupils. That’s how bad things are getting in our schools. As a point of interest they’re locking the doors to keep the pupils out. If they could work it so that they were locking the pupils in it would be better for all of us but I think I have just described a prison.

There’s been an increase in bad behaviour in schools. It’s been worse after the pandemic because they made people think that school wasn’t such a necessity. And it’s not as long as you don’t mind growing up with no hope or prospects. So it’s good to have choice.

A lot of this is to do with the parents. In the old days, it was the parents and teachers against the child. You’d fear them teaming up at a parents’ evening. When the teacher told your parents what you were like in school it was the meeting of your two world. Another way to look at it is to say it’s like Germany fighting Russia and the Allied Forces, depending on how bad you were at school, I suppose.

Now it seems to be the case that the parents take the kid’s side against the teacher and that doesn’t work. You know the old phrase, “It takes a village to raise a child”? Yes, it does and that village has to team up against the child to stand any hope of winning.

The problem is there’s no threat of consequences. Yes, we have seen an increase in the number of pupils expelled but telling a child who hates school, “Stop that or you won’t be allowed to come to school,” is less of a stick than you think it is and has a slight smell of carrot.

So, we need a bigger threat of consequences. Let me be clear, I am not in favour of parents hitting their children. I could understand who the person you love the most and who is meant to love you the most striking you could be upsetting on an emotional level. But hear me out… maybe other people should be allowed to hit your children.

It would give the teachers that edge and for some would be better than a pay rise, so we’d have sorted out that industrial action too.

What lesson would we be teaching the children? If you are really annoying out there in the real world you run the risk that someone might hit you. Yeah, that’s kind of a true fact that you have to learn about the real world. It would be nice to teach something in school that would actually be useful later in life.

» Read the source story

| ☕ TIP (Help by donating)
| 📻 LISTEN (to the new radio podcast)
| 📺 WATCH (YouTube)

Just What The Fat UK Needs... More Crisps

2024-02-17T12:00:00.002+00:00

In the old days this is what news Gary Lineker would have talked about. Crisps!

Walkers has just released two new flavours of crisps that fans can't stop raving about on Facebook. It makes a change from using your time on Facebook to claim that climate change/COVID/Meghan Markle doesn’t exist, so let’s take it as a win.

One of the new flavours is Crushed Sea Salt and Black Peppercorn. That story again: “Walkers invents… salt and pepper!” They’ll be working on the wheel next.

But what they have actually done is take the words “salt and pepper” and add a lot of middle-class words to them. It’s like adding value but not really. Middle-class people like extra words on their food. They don’t want chicken, they want locally sourced, free-range, corn fed chicken. If it has a CV longer than mine they want to eat it.

The only problem is that middle-class people don’t want to eat crisps. If they do they’ll put them in a bowl and serve them with dips, which makes the brand of the crisps rather pointless.

The other new flavour is Mature Cheddar and Chilli Chutney. At least they made a bit of a change to cheese and onion there.

» Read the source story

| ☕ TIP (Help by donating)
| 📻 LISTEN (to the new radio podcast)
| 📺 WATCH (YouTube)

"Kids Prefer This Utter S***-Tip Mess," - Gillian Keegan

2023-09-20T11:30:00.003+01:00

The Education Secretary Gillian Keegan has said that children actually prefer being taught in portacabins.

It’s like she’s trying to make her career collapse faster that a RAAC school.

Thanks to some of our schools being made out of reinforced autoclaved aerated concrete some schools are at risk of collapse. Why was this type on concrete used? Apparently one of the reasons is that it’s lighter than standard concrete. Yeah, that’s the big problem we’d been having with schools. They were just too heavy. Thank god they fixed that.

Some classes have been moved into temporary spaces, and instead of being contrite about the mess, Gillian has claimed that pupils actually prefer it. She said, “In the first school I went to the children were all petitioning me to stay in the portacabin because they actually preferred it to the classroom.”

Now, she may be right. Let’s remember, the choice the kids are facing here is a portacabin or a building that might collapse on you. Out of those two, yeah, you’d prefer the portacabin.

It’s actually quite easy to get people to say they prefer option A when the other option is having a building collapse on them.

When you see those adverts that say 8 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskers, in the small print it explains, “...to having a building on them.” Cats are smart like that.

Also, these are kids. They’d prefer most things to being in a classroom. “Another day in school learning about trigonometry, or a day sat in a sweaty box like you’re a construction gang working on some new builds?”

Downing Street defended Ms Keegan. The PM’s official spokesman said she was simply “reflecting a conversation”. The Education Secretary was relaying the chat she had with a child. Thanks for the useful information.

What were we meant to do with that news? Are we to think, “What’s that, children like portacabins? Well, in that case, I’m actually glad the situation was handled so badly it was left till days before the term started that some children found out if they’d be getting an education.”

The spokesperson also said that PM Rishi Sunak still had full confidence in her, which is an omen on a par with saying you can’t wait to get home to your pregnant wife in a war film.

It’s not like Gillian Keegan has been know for responding with contrition before. She was recently in the news when she was caught on mic after an ITV interview saying, “Does anyone ever say: ‘You know what, you’ve done a f***ing good job, because everyone else has sat on their a*se and done nothing?’ No signs of that, no?"

Yes, Gillian. People do say that. But they say that to people who have done a f***ing good job. I wonder why you haven’t heard it.

» Read the source story

| ☕ TIP (Help by donating)
| 📻 LISTEN (to the new radio podcast)
| 📺 WATCH (CSP Streaming Comedy Show)

So... It's An Inkjet?

2023-08-15T14:23:00.001+01:00

Scientists have done it again. They have achieved a breakthrough that no one asked for but that didn’t stop them. We now have the technology to 3D-print vegan squid rings.

I suppose it is impressive that we can eat things we have printed. You were always able to do this if you really wanted to but it would have tasted a bit like paper.

While this is good news for a few nerds and probably great news for some real squid who will be happy to be replaced by the printed variety, this probably won’t affect many of us.

It’s actually a protein concoction that’s made from algae and beans or something that’s very Holland and Barrett, but they claim it tastes like squid.

The problem with this claim is that squid doesn’t really taste of anything, so it’s easy to copy. In a blind taste test it’s hard to tell squid rings from the little beige elastic bands that postmen leave everywhere. It’s basically the salt that saves them.

I’m still wary of trying 3D-printed food. I’m no Luddite but I know what it’s like try to print with my normal 2D laserjet. I’m worried that I’ll die of hunger while still trying to get the WiFi to connect.

>Read the source story

| ☕ TIP (Help by donating)
| 📻 LISTEN (to the new radio podcast)
| 📺 WATCH (CSP Streaming Comedy Show)

Prince Harry’s Frostbitten Bits Remedy

2023-01-14T23:49:00.002+00:00

Prince Harry’s book Spare has been in the news almost non-stop. I was upset when I found out it wasn’t about his time ten-pin bowling.

One particular passage that has received a lot of attention covers the time Harry damaged his penis. He couldn’t call it his Willy as he used that as a term for his brother, and future king, all the way through the book.

In the section in question he talks about getting a frostbitten penis. That sets up a joke about his wife but only Jeremy Clarkson would do that these days.

Thankfully a frostbitten peen isn’t a common ailment in the UK and he suffered this problem when he was going to the North Pole. That’s the actual place and not the strip club in Manchester.

It’s so cold at the North Pole that is can damage your old fella, which gives you a whole new appreciation for when Santa has to go through.

In the book the Duke of Sussex says his penis was "borderline traumatised" by the injury. How do you know that your penis is traumatised? I guess it was weeping, but that can happened after a visit to the North Pole, and in this case I mean the Manchester club.

Harry then went into detail about putting Elizabeth Arden cream on his "todger". I can understand why he tried it. It doesn’t take too much of a mispronunciation of Arden before you think it’s a good penis cream indeed.

We will play this moving story of #PrinceHarry's first time getting to second base. pic.twitter.com/T3hHuvRZUj
— Steve N Allen (@mrstevenallen) January 13, 2023

>Read the source story

| ☕ TIP (Help by donating a coffee)
| 📻 LISTEN (to the new radio podcast)
| 📺 WATCH (CSP Streaming Comedy Show)

Less Lockdown = More Rude Stuff

2021-05-03T23:17:00.001+01:00

This week the Mirror newspaper ran a headline saying it won’t be long till we are hugging grannies again. I don’t actually have any grannies left, so this could be the strangest giveaway a national newspaper has ever done.

Meanwhile the Sunday Times reported that "Lovers liberated after lockdown spark sexplosion". Given that sexplosion isn’t really a word it’s hard to know exactly what they mean by this. Is it something that will show up on the seismographs or simply leave a mess?

Whatever it is we know its cause. The end of lockdown has brought about an increased demand for condoms and morning after pills. It’s an interesting effect of getting our freedoms back and also makes you realise that over the last year a higher proportion of people buying condoms were doing it to smuggle things in.

At the moment the rules state that you can go on a date with someone and have a drink outside but you are not allowed to take things into the bedroom. It’s like much of the dating I did in my twenties but with slightly more handwashing.

The increased sales figures tell us that either more people are breaking the rules and nipping to the bedroom with their new friend or there are some very dodgy things happening in pub car parks. Or both.

It’s difficult to complain about people’s actions. If there is one lesson the Great Doing Nothing of 2020 taught us is that we should embrace life whenever we can. You don’t know when the next plague will come along and take life from some of us, so if you can have a moment of pleasure with someone you should get stuck in, which I am told is not the way to phrase it just before the act.

Yes, I know that any rule-breaking could lead to an increased spread of COVID that could lead to older and more vulnerable people catching it but if you’re spending more time in bed you’re spending less time visiting older people, so the effects might cancel.

Whatever you do, do it safely and wear protection. And I don’t mean a mask. But I also don’t not mean a mask, if that’s what you’re into. Get stuck in.

Boris Johnson Has Affair, Shocker?

2021-03-29T09:08:00.001+01:00

The world was rocked recently by the news that British Prime Minister Boris Johnson had an affair. In the same way that you feel rocked when a BMW driver doesn’t indicate or a toddler falls down, we are talking about that level of surprise.

A while back a scandal broke about BJ’s closeness to business-person Jennifer Arcuri, although most of the newspapers focussed on the fact that she owned a pole-dancing pole, which is why I’m changing my official bio from writer to “Pelaton owner”.

There were innuendoes about the likelihood of those two getting jiggy-with-it and a more serious question about the processes that were used to get Jennifer Arcuri access to business grants.

At the time I remember Jennifer saying she gave Boris some tech lessons, which now we are hearing might have been learning where the batteries go.

Now that the story had simmered down and we had bigger pandemic fish to fry, Ms Arcuri spoke to a newspaper confirming the dirty deed, or rather four years worth of deeds from 2012. At the time we were all feeling a little more athletic because the Olympics were coming to town. I’m sure that added to it.

In the interview we learn that Jennifer sent him “arty topless pictures” (are there any other kind, from the point of view of the sender) and said they had a mutual “physical and intellectual attraction” (I can spot the division of labour there).

We hear about the time they were intimate before he headed off to the opening of the 2012 London Paralympics and how, before he left, she had to hunt for a sock he lost in the throes of passion. Ah yes, that moment where you turn a lady on by whipping your sock off and lobbing it across the room.

All of these “erotic” details are all very well but it’s worth remembering that the affair isn’t the story. It may be immoral but it’s not illegal to have a fling with another grown adult but the dodgy part here is whether the taxpayer-funded trade missions and grants were made available to Jennifer Arcuri because Boris Johnson was doing to the Nolan Principles of Public Life what he was doing to her after he’d launched his socks.

But there’s no pole dancing in that bit of the story, so nevermind.

Here's Why You Won't Do A New Year's Resolution

2020-12-29T23:04:00.002+00:00

As the New Year gets started most of us are probably thinking about resolutions. We’ll be wanting to be healthier, thinner, less of a piss-head and more successful. Those urges will, on average, last for about three days but maybe it’s better that way.

If you were to try to improve yourself and it actually took you might become a right old twat.

A new piece of research has found that people who meditate or work to achieve a higher level of inner peace are more likely to be a right piece of work. They were found to have “spiritual superiority”. It’s ironic because all of that meditation and self-work is supposed to make you less judgemental. Imagine how big of a git the Dalai Lama must be.

We have all seen the type, someone who loves to mention how much they love yoga, alternative medicines and kelp. They seem like they are up their own arses and thanks to the yoga they can reach.

You can see where the trap lies. One of the goals of meditation is to let go of your ego, and if you get good at doing that you will feel a sense a pride, which will fuel the ego.

The logical conclusion is obvious. If you want to be a good person do very little. Self-improvement is a path to failure. Enlightenment will make you smug. The best thing you can do to be a force for good in this world is to stay flawed with your ass planted firmly on your sofa. It keeps you grounded.

In fact, if you are a poor excuse for an individual not only will you avoid hubris you’ll also make everyone else feel good about themselves by comparison.

So that’s my New Year’s Resolutions sorted and this year I might be able to stick to them.

➡Read the source story

| 📺 WATCH (CSP Live Comedy Show)
| 📕 READ (the NEW topical comedy ebook)
| ☕ TIP (Help by donating)

How To Mock Trump Now

2020-10-05T01:24:00.000+01:00

What is a satirist to do with Trump?

The news that the President of the United States of America has contracted the coronavirus has left some of us in a difficult position.

Even though we have had to see some pretty shocking news in recent years, most of the topical comedians are still human. You know, deep down. When you hear the news of a man in his seventies contracting a virus that can be fatal to people in that age bracket, you have empathy.

Science tells us that the virus is really tough for those who are overweight. Now, some say Donald Trump lies about his height to bring his BMI down but viruses don’t check paperwork. It’s another reason show concern for someone who is ill.

If we were only listening to the angel that pops up on our shoulder that would be the end of it. But the devil on the other shoulder loves to point out the hypocrisy. When a man who has belligerently said the coronavirus would be gone by the summer catches it in autumn, it’s worth a mention.

When someone who has recently said publicly that COVID-19 affects “almost no one” gets affected by it, how can we not sarcastically say, “So you’re calling yourself a no one?”

He held rallies where his supporters defiantly refused to wear a mask. That’s because the wearing of a bit of fabric over your breathing parts as a small effort to help everyone else has become a political issue.

It was surprising as Donald has been known as a germaphobe for quite some time. Most germaphobes would like people to wear masks even when there’s no pandemic but the political capital to be gained by making the “do-gooders” seem bad was too tempting. And look where it’s got him.

Even the most sympathetic commentator must find irony in the man who said to use bleach as a cure is now in a hospital using proper drugs suggested by proper doctors. He suggested putting UV light in the body. Did he try putting a sunbed lamp up his botty before trying real drugs?

Just as the poetic irony of the situation starts to entertain there will be a ping on my phone from a news app telling me that doctors say the next 48 hours will be critical for him. That jolts me back to thinking that no matter what point of view someone has held, you shouldn’t make light of something that could cost them their lives.

Show sympathy. That can’t be wrong. And just as soon as I start to think that social media shows me the conspiracy theories that he doesn’t have COVID and he’s only doing this to get out of the future debates. His current narrative is that his opponent Joe Biden is old and frail. If Trump can claim to have had a case of the tough COVID but walked it off in a few days he can look fit by comparison.

Now I don’t want to fall into the trap of giving sympathy if it’s not due but I don’t want to accuse someone of pretending to be ill in case they go on to die.

There was another conspiracy theory that claimed the President was hiding a secret oxygen tank about his person and using a mask to cover the nose attachment. Several mainstream media outlets have claimed that’s nonsense but I remember someone saying those outlets peddled “fake news”. I wonder who could have said that?

What about all of those Trump supporters who claimed that coronavirus was a hoax? Do they see the contradiction of their position or do they think this proves that people can catch made up illnesses. Be careful when you pretend is real, some people could catch that. I’m terrified that I might come down with a case of The Phage from Star Trek Voyager.

I haven’t noticed many Trump supporters saying sorry for thinking this virus that killed over one million people was a hoax. They are too busy saying that Trump critics shouldn’t mock him. They ask how the left would like it if it was one of their figureheads who got ill. Maybe people replied with the clip of Trump mocking Hilary Clinton after we heard she had pneumonia. Even more hypocrisy.

Donald has been rude about people with illnesses and dismissive of the disease he now has. His actions may well have led to more people catching this potential killer. And yet, I still don’t want to mock him. He’s an old man who is ill.

Donald, get will soon, so we can get back to pointing out what a hypocrite you are.

| 📺 WATCH (CIQSP Live Show)
| 🎧 LISTEN (to the latest podcast)
| 📕 READ (the ebook)
| ☕ TIP (Help by donating)

UK Government To Make Us All Look Fit

2020-07-30T23:28:00.000+01:00

I am fat. I know this because I calculated my body mass index. I then tried to work out ways that I could prove BMI to be an unreliable measure. The classic case to mention is rugby players. Their BMIs are often in the overweight range but they’re athletes.

I, however, am not an athlete. And if the only sports person I can compare myself to are the ones known for downing pints, it’s a pretty weak argument. Deep down I know it’s right.

It’s something we might be hearing more as part of the Government’s new plan to get us fitter is to tell GPs to be frank. Our doctors should tell us, “You’re fat.”

I know what I’m like, I am oversensitive and I don’t take criticism well. When my doctor tells me I am fat I will probably retort with, “Well, playing golf isn’t exactly keeping you in shape either!”

Some people make the case that fat shaming, as it is known, isn’t going to help people. If something makes you feel bad you might turn to food to make you feel better.

I am not sure that your doctor would be fat shaming you in this instance. I presume your GP will only tell you the news and doctor-patient confidentiality prevents them from shouting, “Give way for fatso,” as you leave their office. They won’t post it on social media.

The only person who will know that you’ve been called out on your unhealthy size is you, so you could tell everyone in your life that you got a clean bill of health. If the doc every tells me I’m too large I’ll report back that he said I was in great shape for a rugby player.

While I don’t agree that these actions are fat shaming, I am not convinced that it will help. As a large chap I can tell you that we fat people are fully aware that we are fat.

You may think you’re bringing some new information to our attention but please remember, we see ourselves fresh out of the shower. We know what it’s like when we bend down to tie a shoelace and feel our stomach push one of our lungs into our neck. We were there when we had to undo our belt after winning at an all-you-can-eat buffet lunch. They are a competition, right?

However, I'm sure the Government's scheme will work and make us all thin. That's as long as they're not also telling us to “Eat Out To Help Out” at the same time.

| 📺 WATCH (CIQSP Live Show)
| 🎧 LISTEN (to the latest podcast)
| 📕 READ (the ebook)
| ☕ TIP (Help by donating)

[Podcast] Corona Special 4 - Pret & Other Shops Closing

2020-07-06T17:15:00.000+01:00

It's the Steve N Allen's Week Podcast (with Steve N Allen), helping us through the lockdown. You can get the last episodes here.

In this podcast:

We look at the news that Pret will not open some stores and hear about the time they asked me not to be naked. Also we talk to Mark Machado about which shops are on the way out.

And if you're enjoying the content, think about leaving a tip. You can donate a coffee here.

More Options
📲 Subscribe on iTunes

👇🏻 Download the mp3

📩 Get email alert when new podcast is released

💻 Subscribe to the RSS feed

Pass it on

Also listen on…

Is The Superdrug Antibody Test Worth It

2020-05-21T00:43:00.000+01:00

Near the start of this coronavirus crisis people were saying we need to “test, test, test”.

Now we are seeing a new level of testing that completes at least one of those three.

Superdrug is selling an antibody test. That means it is the test that shows if you have had the coronavirus in the past. Seeing as Covid-19 can happen without the sufferer showing any symptoms, if you have had no symptoms recently, this test could be for you.

The fact that you can get it from Superdrug means you can pick one up as you’re getting your false nails and pregnancy tests. You’d imagine people would be happy about this but they have been upset by the price tag. You can get this test for £69.

The test itself apparently costs pennies to produce, so there is a large mark-up, but that’s how shops like that work. I’m sure it doesn’t cost much to make mint shower gel but they charge several pounds for it.

The Original Source ones boast that they contain 7,927 mint leaves. Round it up and put 8,000 in, you tight gits.

It is a bit steep. When I heard that Superdrug were asking nearly £70 for each test I thought, “What do they want, blood?!”

Then I read more about how the tests work and realised, yeah, they do - a small sample of it.

Many people are upset that we are not getting the tests for free on the NHS. It’s important to remember, you don’t have to have one of these tests. They only tell you if you were ill with coronavirus in the past. The fact that you’re not currently on a ventilator or dead should tell you it wasn’t that bad.

At the moment the scientists aren’t sure that having the antibodies will mean you’ll be immune to the virus. If that’s the case I’m not sure why we bother making them. If they’re just hanging round in our blood and not keeping us safe they’re just making us weigh more. And I do not need help in that regard.

If you pay £69 for this test and you find out that you had the virus the only thing you can do with that information is bring it up in conversation. And for a chance to talk about ourselves we’ll probably stump up the cash willingly.

➡Read the source story

Coronavirus May Cause... Possession

2020-05-16T16:48:00.000+01:00

As if we didn’t have enough to worry about already. We have this Coronavirus thing, I don’t know if you’ve heard about it.

We also have the threat of murder hornets. Basically wasps that can kill. You think a normal wasp can ruin a picnic. It’s even worse when you have to carry back a full hamper of food and a corpse.

Now we have to worry about possessions. Not as in, “Please keep your possessions with you when you leave the train.” You shouldn’t be on public transport in the first place, you dirty git. It’s demonic possessions.

Exorcist and Buddhist priest Paul Devlin says that the “negative energy” created by the coronavirus pandemic is a “breeding ground for demons”.

On the bright side, I am already avoiding people, so if a few of them become controlled by evil spirits, at least they won’t be doing it near me.

This Paul Devlin chap apparently knows what he’s talking about because he has seen off some demons in the past. His said his first case was someone who had pointed teeth. And now everyone is wearing a face mask, they could all be on the turn and we can’t tell by looking.

In an interview with a tabloid newspaper Paul said that people in self-isolation may have negative emotions and those emotions could entice malevolent forces in. For some it may be the only way to get some company. It’s just nice to have someone to chat to, even if they’re chatting back ancient Aramaic.

I’m not sure if you can get an exorcism via a webcam. Will reading out an incantation in Latin still work if you’ve got yourself on mute? There are more questions than answers.

There may be a good point here. Negative thoughts and emotions are bad for us and they can be easily found during the lockdown with its isolation and worries. So here’s a bit of good news to help in the fight: “Don’t worry. None of this possession lark is real.”

Phew. Feels better already.

➡Read the source story

What Boris Johnson and Elon Musk Have in Common

2020-05-06T12:52:00.000+01:00

Lockdown has taught me a lot about the effects of poverty. It’s worrying to see your career disappear, I’ll miss it, but I realise I was lucky before. Real poverty costs lives. The Office for National Statistics found that if you are more well off you stand a better chance of surviving coronavirus.

The ONS also found that if you are a man you have a worse time with the virus. If you combine those statistics it shows that women must be earning more than men now. That’ll cheer some people up.

The news has also shown that money affects the names you give to your children. Prime Minister Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds welcomed their little bundle of joy into the world by naming him Wilfred.

He’ll be known as Willy Johnson, both words with a shared slang meaning. I’d be worried about my child being picked on at school with a name like that.

My working class education taught me that you have to have a solid bully-proof name. If your name rhymes with something rude you’re done for. If it sounds silly, you’ll be taunted by those sounds for years.

My surname is fairly safe but even I was called Fallon because it sounded a bit like a character in Dynasty.

Posh people don’t have that worry. Boris knows he is rich and influential so giving his child a name that’s up there with Richard Member is fine. No one will dare to tease his little Willy.

Extreme wealth makes this effect worse. Billionaire Elon Musk has named his new baby “X Æ A-12”. I’m being serious. He’s had a child with singer Grimes and they have named that baby something that looks like Teletext when you had bad reception.

If I named a child X Æ A-12 Allen it would be bullied everyday. It would known as Typo for short. The big boys at school would give it a wedgie as they shout, “Is that a name or a Battleships move?”

In theory X Æ A-12 Musk should be bullied more because that surname make it sound like a sex pheromone you can buy online. A billionaire as a dad makes all of that go away.

Strange names are the domain of the rich, successful and powerful. And thanks to the lockdown I’ve ended up with the career that fits being called Steve.

Trump To Detergent Coronavirus

2020-04-24T10:45:00.000+01:00

Donald Trump has done it again. He is so often right that it should come as no surprise that he has done it again.

In a White House briefing he suggested we do some research into whether detergent could be used as a treatment for Covid-19, by injecting it or using it to clean the lungs.

A little bit of research shows that he’s right. Bleach will kill the virus. Sadly it will also kill other thing, like the people who have bleach injected into them. That means that bleach could be used to get rid of the virus if you’re OK with getting rid of the person too. It won’t help your death rate graph but it will flatten that infection rate curve.

By the same logic we should look into arsenic, strychnine and anthrax being potential ways to kill the virus.

He also said we should see if UV light could be used to kill this coronavirus. Again, he’s right, if we’re talking about being a vampire instead of coronavirus. They are easily confused; they both involve staying indoors all day.

As much as it’s funny that the most powerful person in the world has said this, it’s a worry that some Trump supporters will follow this advice. When it was hydroxychloroquine, people took it, risked some complications, but it wasn’t too bad. It was also harder to get hydroxychloroquine. Everyone has bleach at home, so it is a worry that people will try it.

Some will cruelly call this natural selection in action, but don’t be so smug. If Trump causes a rush on bleach, how am I going to buy mine to clean the loo? I had enough on when I couldn’t get loo roll. What is it about this pandemic that seems to be attacking our bathrooms?

I shouldn’t have to point it out but don’t drink bleach. And to be fair, Trump wasn’t saying we should drink it. He wasn’t even saying we should use it externally. He would never put bleach on his skin and ruin that perfect fake tan. And if he does, getting some of that UV cure could help. See, I knew he’d make sense.

➡See the source story

[Video]: Here's some video content about coronavirus cures

The Traffic Light System - Our Way Out Of Lockdown

2020-04-21T10:30:00.000+01:00

At the moment, no one knows when the lockdown will end. That is part of what makes it so hard. Not knowing is always a challenge. For some of us. There are some people who seem to take not knowing things to an extreme level, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about today.

Right now it is important to remember that, while we don’t know when it will end, we know that it will end at some point. These rules won’t stay in place for the rest of civilisation. We can’t go within two metres of people we don’t live with. If that rule stayed in place we’d stop reproducing within a generation. Yes, webcam sales would go through the roof, but we won’t be repopulating the planet.

In the UK, the Government has released some details on how the end of the lockdown could go. A phased release of the rules to get us back to normal.

They have introduced a traffic light system of red, amber and green. But these things never actually go by the traffic light rules. We won’t have red and amber at the same time telling us we can get ready to go. Amber won’t flash. They don’t think these things through.

RED PHASE

First up, “Red Phase”. I think it’s called that because of the Red Room in Fifty Shades. You’re allowed to do some things in there but there’s a very high chance you’ll be punished still.

In it we will see schools and hairdressers reopen. It’s a shame about the hairdressers. I’ve been enjoying all the tweets by people who are in desperate need of a trim. I was hoping that by the time the lockdown is removed people would walk out of their homes like the end of a 1970s sci-fi film.

The details say that in this stage the public will still be urged to avoid non-essential travel. That’s actually a good rule for life. If you don’t need to be anywhere else don’t go. That way you spend less time travelling and don’t end up where you don’t need to be.

AMBER PHASE

Then we move onto “Amber Phase”. That sounds like a woman in a Scissor Sisters tribute band.

In this phase companies with fewer than 50 staff can reopen. This is the first problem. After the big companies have laid people off they’re probably down to this classification now, and it also mean, if you work for a company with 51 staff. Ooooh, bye bye.

It says, “Restaurants will be allowed to take customers while taking action to limit person-to-person contact.” I presume that means they have to serve everything with onions and garlic.

During this stage, people on public transport will be told to wear masks. I think that’s right. I don’t know if masks help stem the transmission of the virus, but you look at some people on public transport and think, “Christ! Cover that face!”

GREEN PHASE

Ah, finally, we will get to the “Green Phase”.

Gyms will reopen, which means people can stop running like they have been every day and go back to being less fit in the gym.

Pubs will open too, and maybe the stand-up comedy world will come back to life and I can spend less time writing on here. See, we all win.

They say the pubs will have some restrictions but they don’t specify them. I’m hoping it will be based around keeping people apart at the bar. Maybe a queuing system. Yes, coronavirus has caused massive upset, but if it ends the system of people crushing to the bar and someone getting served before me, at least it has some positives

➡Read the source story

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

Prince Philip Speaks To Corona Workers

2020-04-20T16:12:00.000+01:00

Prince Philip has praised the key workers helping to fight the coronavirus. That is a sentiment that you have to agree with. These people are working so hard to save lives. Surely no one could sit around and rib the Prince for what he said.

Well, you’d think that, but I do have a lot of spare time on my hands.

It’s nice that he sent a message to the NHS workers, but he doesn’t need them. He must get the finest care available from the top private people. That’s like some royals Zoom messaging some state schools. *Remembers that exactly what William and Kate did last week*

They’re mocking us. It’s like posh people talking about how much they love going to Aldi for the wines.

The prince praised the "vital and urgent work" being done by key workers. And I imagine he added that he was sorry he couldn’t be there in person to add some racially dodgy comments to the nurses himself. It’s not the same if he doesn’t. It’s like booking Rod Hull and him turning up without the emu.

If Philip wants to make some dodgy comments he should act quickly. When these people are wearing the correct PPE, with the masks and eye protection getting in the way, it’ll be hard to work out what thing you shouldn’t say. That PPE could arrive at any minute, so now is the best time for him.

The thin, white Duke wrote the message to mark World Immunisation Week.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t know that was a week. For me, every week is an immunisation week. Normally I would be in favour of anything that rubs it in the face of the anti-vaxxers but I have started to feel a little sorry for them. They have been oddly quiet. With experts rushing to find a vaccine for this coronavirus it is a bad time to be talking about how you don’t like vaccines.

The Flat Earthers can believe what they want and no one dies from falling off the Earth, but being an anti-vaxxer during a pandemic is tricky. I suppose it is a akin to living during a famine but being the kind of person who goes on about the 5:2 diet.

Philip is currently following self-isolating and social distancing guidelines along with the Queen at Windsor Castle. I have never lived in a castle but it must be hard to not self-isolate. You could get lost in a wing and avoid humans for days. When you live in a one-bed flat, it’s more of a challenge.

So, he took time while sitting around at home to publish a message about the current situation. That’s basically what I’m doing with all the podcasts and videos I’m producing.

The only difference is, people actually care what he has to say. So yeah, turns out I can’t really mock him for it.

➡Read the source story

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

[Podcast] Corona Special 3 - CARE Badges and Online Shopping

2020-04-16T14:33:00.001+01:00

It's the Steve N Allen's Week Podcast (with Steve N Allen), helping us through the lockdown. You can get the last episodes here.

In this podcast:

We look at how hard shopping is, be it in person in a queue or online where you're putting people at risk. We hear about the new CARE badges in the UK and some of the nonsense coming out of America.

We also catch up with publisher and former politics worker Ben Fletcher about how to feel better in the lockdown.

And if you're enjoying the content, think about leaving a tip. You can donate a coffee here.

More Options
📲 Subscribe on iTunes

👇🏻 Download the mp3

📩 Get email alert when new podcast is released

💻 Subscribe to the RSS feed

Pass it on

Also listen on…

Are UK Police Overstepping The Coronavirus Rules?

2020-04-10T10:13:00.000+01:00

Are the police going too far in their actions to enforce the lockdown?

Even in the face of all the news stories about those overstepping the mark, mathematically the answer is no. The vast majority of the police will be working with the new rules very well. The shame is you only hear about the times when people have something to complain about.

People love complaining about the rules under which we are living. Conservative MP Jack Lopresti has said it's wrong that churches remain closed when off licences are open. To be fair, you don't spend as long in an off licence as you do a church, and while you can get wine and a wafer in both, the ones you get from the off licence are sealed and you don't share them with others.

We have to understand that the rules need to be policed but the police need to keep us onside.

Northamptonshire Police chief constable Nick Adderley had said his force was "only a few days away" from "marshalling supermarkets and checking the items in baskets and trolleys to see whether it's a legitimate, necessary item".

He's taken that back now, and I have some sympathy. I love having a look in people's baskets but only to judge then, not fine them. I very much enjoyed the panic buying days where you'd see people buying 3 litres of milk and 24 toilet rolls and you'd think, "If you're lactose intolerant just buy almond milk."

Why are some police thinking it's OK to check our shopping? Who's to say what is essential? We can all survive without vodka and biscuits but they're the main way many of us are getting through this lockdown.

The police should be careful about their image. If people start to think, "Ah, so now there are fewer speeding fines raising money they're fining people for leaving the house," the nation will start to resent the rules that are in place to save us.

We have also seen an increase in police stopping people to ask about their reasons to be out of the house. This may be the best part of it, because it has upset the kind of people who have spent years talking about the unfairness of stop and search saying, "If you're not doing anything wrong why would you mind being stopped," and now they don't like having to answer to the police. At least some good is coming out of this.

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

[Podcast] Corona Special 2 - Conspiracies, Bats and Royals

2020-04-09T13:01:00.000+01:00

It's the Steve N Allen Podcast (with Steve N Allen). Starting up again to survive the corona situation. Episode 2. (If you missed the last episode you can get it here)

In this podcast:

The coronavirus continues and maybe a podcast can help. In this week’s episode we look at the conspiracy theories and fake news being spread on the internet, we ask, “What can we learn from bats about how to cope with it and does sleeping upside down help?” and coronavirus on the ISS?

We also catch up with broadcast legend Jonny Gould about how to home-school.

More Options
📲 Subscribe on iTunes

👇🏻 Download the mp3

📩 Get email alert when new podcast is released

💻 Subscribe to the RSS feed

Pass it on

Also listen on…

12 Reasons You Can Leave Your House Under Lockdown

2020-04-04T09:14:00.000+01:00

I'll never forget where I was when I heard the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson tell the nation we were under lockdown because of coronavirus. I was sat right here. I haven't moved since.

We had been previously told about social distancing, washing hands, not going out and self-isolating and it wasn't enough so Boris came into our homes. Thankfully via the TV because, as it turned out, he was infected with it.

He told us the four reasons you could leave you home but when greater detail was publish there are 12 reasons you can leave them home, so I thought we'd take a look.

1 - Shopping for basic necessities, for example food and medicine, which must be as infrequent as possible.

We haven't been given clarity on what counts as a necessity. If we use the same criteria as Waitrose's Essentials Range it includes things like lardons and ratatouille provencale. How frequently do we need those? I've made it to this age without buying them once yet, so the data is still pending.

2 - One form of exercise per day, for example a run, walk or cycle – alone or with members of your household.

Surely no one is doing that. If you're spending 23 and a half hours a day in the same house as someone and they say, "You going on a run? I'll come with you," they're trying to push you over the edge.

3 - Any medical need, including to donate blood.

Again, it could be a good way to get some time to yourself. You may not have been a blood donor before but if it gets you some alone time and biscuits it's like best day out available at the moment.

4 - To avoid or escape risk of injury or harm.

That one makes sense. It wasn't on the original list of four but if you were stood there as your house was falling down shouting, "No, I can't go out, I've already done one jog today," you'd be silly.

5 - To provide care or help to a vulnerable person.

I'd imagine that's not only for those who have to look after a relative. If you open your door, see someone has just been hit by a car, you don't point at the door frame and shrug your shoulders at them while mouthing the word, "Sorry!"

6 - Travelling for work purposes, but only where you cannot work from home.

Yes, there are some jobs that you can't do at home. People always list things like baristas, but I'm not sure about that one. Surely you could make a coffee at home. Come on, try harder.

7 - To move children under 18 between parents’ home if they do not live together.

The parents may have lived together at the start of this lockdown, but as time goes on there'll be an exponential graph somewhere that shows you how many break-ups there have been.

8 - Key workers and parents of vulnerable children can leave to take children to and from school or to their childcare provider.

Of course. That makes sense. When we heard the schools were shutting we knew they were still open for some children. How were they supposed to get there when the lockdown came in? Tunnel?

9 - To move house, but only if it’s unavoidable.

Oooh, loophole. If you want to go to see friends just buy their house off them. They can't touch you for it.

10 - To attend a funeral, but only when it’s a member of your household or a close family member. If the deceased doesn’t have any family attending, you can attend as a friend.

Also a possibly loophole but it would involve you killing someone off just to get to see then and maybe that would lead to an even bigger fine, I haven't looked into it.

11 - To attend critical public services – such as social services, support for victims, support provided by the Department for Work and Pensions.

That one feels very specific, almost like it was added by Thérèse Coffey in case she needs to pop out for some reason.

12 - To fulfil legal obligations when physical attendance is absolutely necessary.

So if you want more than one trip out a day, go and get yourself some community service.

And that's the full list that was published. After reading all that I think I'll stay in and have a nice sit down.

➡⮱Read the source story

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

| 📕 READ (the ebook)
| 🎧 LISTEN (to the latest podcast)
| 👀 SEE (Steve's live stand-up) - Currently all cancelled obvs
| 📺 WATCH (The new series of The Mash Report)

[Podcast] Corona Special 1 - Experts, Fools and Trump

2020-04-02T12:01:00.000+01:00

It's the Steve N Allen Podcast (with Steve N Allen). Starting up again to survive the corona situation. Episode 1.

In this podcast:

Obviously it’s corona news because that’s pretty much all the news. We break it down with a look at our hopes for April Fool’s Day, experts give advice and answer your questions, Trump is doing something well and we’re joined by Mark Machado because I needed to talk to another human.

More Options
📲 Subscribe on iTunes

👇🏻 Download the mp3

📩 Get email alert when new podcast is released

💻 Subscribe to the RSS feed

Pass it on

Also listen on…

What Will A Corona Wedding Be Like

2020-03-21T12:22:00.000+00:00

More coronavirus fallout coming down the news pipes, which I am trying to spin into good news to help us all cope.

We've been told that weddings will be limited to five people. This is good news in many ways. It will help to cut down on social interaction, which can lead to viral spread, but also it means it will cut down the chances of being invited to a wedding.

When the economy takes a downturn it is good to know we won't have to buy toasters for people we hardly know.

It also means good news for anyone who is getting married when they shouldn't. The vicar will say, "If anyone here knows of any reason these two should not be joined in holy matrimony speak now or forever hold their peace." There are fewer people to say anything. This is a great time for bigamy.

Is five still too many? We're trying to avoid spreading a disease here. They have cancelled my stand up gigs and some of those only had five people in them, so we can do better.

The church says you need five. You need to have a priest, a bride and groom (or brides and grooms totalling two), and two witnesses. Surely these days the witnesses could be replaced by a CCTV system. We could get that down to three.

The priest? Really needed? With talk of having patients seeing doctors on Skype I'm sure we could do something similar. Doctors have a greater need to interact with you. You may have to disrobe for a doctor. You really really shouldn't for a priest.

We're down to the main two. We can't get lower than that but we could ask them to stand two metres apart and when they go home to have their honeymoon in isolation we could ask that they don't go near each other at all.

That way, they won't just be like newlyweds, it'll be like they have been married for years.

⮱Read the source story

[Audio]: Here's some audio on panic buying
If you can not see this chirbit, listen to it here https://chirb.it/ackw0E

Check this out on Chirbit

| 📕 READ (the ebook)
| 🎧 LISTEN (to the latest podcast)
| 👀 SEE (Steve's live stand-up) - Currently all cancelled obvs