NEWS TO GOD

Does a Silver Object Bring You Close to Rapture?

2008-01-14T22:14:00.000-05:00

For several weeks, residents in Texas have been sighting a massive UFO. Many believe it is the start of the rapture.

"People wonder what in the world it is because this is the Bible Belt, and everyone is afraid it's the end of times," said Steve Allen, a freight company owner and pilot who said the object he saw last week was a mile long and half a mile wide. "It was positively, absolutely nothing from these parts."

Thankfully, in a effort to delay the imminent early stages of the Rapture until Pres. Bush is out of office, the Air Force has been in hot pursuit of the UFO, surely preventing a presidential embarrassment.

Santa Under Attack II: Crossed Over

2007-12-24T23:08:00.001-05:00

The distressing attacks continue on our beloved and holy Santa. The War on Santa has turned to ruthlessness not seen since last Black Friday's early opening store assault for HD-DVD players on the local Best Buy. Art Conrad of West Bremerton, Wash. put Santa on a cross to protest the consumer's defeat in the Great Credit Card War of 1990. The Church of Santa has stated they will fight vigorously to defend their holy icon. They expect to see the cross taken down soon after Christmas from their onslaught of protests.

AP Photo/Kitsap Sun, Larry Steagall

Santa Under Attack

2007-12-17T00:37:00.000-05:00

Pastor Bob Belldinging of the Church of Santa in Happy Squire, Florida is up in arms over the offensive T-shirts being sold by a Florida store. "This shirt depicts Santa giving a gesture that directly contrary to our beliefs", says Pastor Bob. "I can’t imagine anyone not respecting our belief in Santa as our Savior. How can people be so cruel, especially during our holy season?" Pastor Bob said that Santa could put people connected with this store on the naughty list and greatly reduce the number of presents they receive. These are tough words coming from a cleric.

Is this just someone's joke or a serious attack on a person's right to believe in the true god? Many think we should be passing harsh laws against these obviously damaging attacks that come from antitheists. The large Santa Cookie Federation is at this very moment gathering signatures in their quest to get new laws passed to prohibit these vicious attacks. I am sure there will be more news to come on this issue.

Fight Fire With (Blessed) Water

2007-12-10T23:52:00.000-05:00

You can help save the planet's people and help fight the bad angels engaged in the Rapture Rebellion. A miraculous new type of water, generically called blessed water, can help extinguish volcanic activity. Catholic-sized molegists have been studying for 2000 years the effects of blessed water on reducing the heat caused by volcanic rocks throughout the Angelic Ring of Fire, commonly known as the Pacific Ring of Fire. They have found that this specialized water when poured on a hot rock can actually reduce its temperature or even put out an active flame. Amazingly, this blessed water has also been found to be a good lubricant and can help rocks slide against each other.

What role can you play? How can you help? Amazing! We have just learned from a completely fake source (so they can remain anonymous for their protection from bad angels) that most of the blessed water companies have a miraculous special pricing system.

Fake blessed water consortium member (for their own protection) stated:

For every bottle you buy, you get 10 free! Simply whisper to the cashier (the one's wearing the cross), "No god but my god, water is our savior." in the checkout line.

A requirement for the special pricing is that you must upon leaving the store, go to the nearest grassy area and pour out all the water. That's what is amazing! The blessed water is infused with intelligently designed molecules that know how to travel in packs of billions directly to the Ring of Fire, even thousands of miles away, and begin helping.

The blessed water, upon contact with volcanic rock, will immediately reduce the temperature, thus reducing the underground pressures. This effect, combined with the blessed water's ability to reduce friction between rocks, will almost completely reduce world-wide earthquakes. You, yes you, will be helping the good angels fight the good fight and be victorious! Rapture here we come!

Rapture Rebellion Underway

2007-12-06T11:01:00.000-05:00

It has been learned by our sources deep within the religious community that there is an angel rebellion currently underway. This rebellion started just prior to the Great Tsunami on December 24, 2004 that killed over 130,000 people. Religious scientists feel that earthquakes of a magnitude greater than 6.0 cannot be explained by natural forces. Special ultra-sensitive religious psychics that are only known to very high ranking clerics have reported hearing angels screaming in their sleep. Others of these "seers" have reported seeing blood and swords when viewing things red in color.

Quoting an unnamed source,

"It is clear the rash of large magnitude quakes has an outside source. And we feel it must be connected to the Rapture Rebellion."

Although not totally clear, our sources have learned of the Rapture's connection to these events. Apparently, the angels guarding hell believe that the pending Rapture will cause a huge number of people to commit suicide and all of them will go to hell at about same time and cause many problems. The bad angels guarding hell apparently asked that the Rapture be delayed or spread out over a period of time. During vigorous negotiations a fight broke out which quickly grew and fierce battles erupted. Since the bad angels are out numbered by the good angels their only weapon is intense heat. Scientist's say that during these pitched battles the bad angels create so much heat that it causes the earth to buckle and creates these enormous earth quakes.

Although the Rapture Rebellion had been discussed secretly among religious leaders, it was thought this was a minor misunderstanding among the angels and things would quite down. However, the recent super-powerful 6.8 earth quake in the very religious country of Peru has changed things dramatically. Secret alerts have preachers, priests, clerics, and rabbis praying and encouraging others to pray. Father O' Reilly of St. Joseph's Cathedral was quoted as saying, "let us pray" 3 times during last Sunday’s mass, a sure sign of peril ahead. Hopefully, this will stem the tide and help the good angels keep the bad angels in check.

ALERT:
An earthquake measuring 7.4 has occurred near the island of Martinique in the eastern Caribbean.

The Golden Compass Will Eat Your Soul

2007-12-04T02:19:00.000-05:00

If you are a catholic and go see "The Golden Compass" your soul will darken. Watching this one Hollywood movie may change all you believe in. If you watch a trailer in its entirety the Church will label you a horrible parent. It is truly the most powerful movie ever produced. Stay away, hide for 6 weeks, and never come out of your house!

Or, you could go see the movie multiple times, assured in your faith and your belief in god the protector, and prove to your neighbors what a strong Christian soldier you are. Don't let CNN tell you how to think, that's what your priest is for. You know you are invincible!

If you believe you are the best of all catholics, you should read the book and complete trilogy. You will be guaranteed a place beside god!

Hypocrisy and Ignorance are Hardesty to Overcome

2007-11-30T11:17:00.000-05:00

From the panhandle of Oklahoma comes a sad story of religious hypocrisy casting a shadow over a small town and devastating a young girl and her family.

"... I thought it was America."

God-like Teddy Bear Terrorizes Entire Nation

2007-11-30T10:41:00.000-05:00

MSNBC reports that

"Thousands of Sudanese, many armed with clubs and knives, protested Friday outside the presidential palace in Khartoum, demanding the execution of a British teacher convicted of insulting Islam for allowing her students to name a teddy bear Muhammad."

Not since 1985 and the awakening of the evil Teddy Ruxpin army, with their shifty eyes and coma inducing dialog, has the world been so close to total annihilation from a teddy bear species.

We can only hope the Sudanese slaughter this new teddy bear menace in the name of muhammad and make him a martyr. You know, teddy bears need their virgins, too!

Time and Faith

2007-11-26T01:27:00.000-05:00

I think what makes a significant difference of whether or not you believe in god is your ability to comprehend time. And rightfully so, even great scientists have had trouble dealing with time. Up until about 100 years ago most thought the earth was a few million to a few thousand years old and Jesus supposedly lived 2,000 years ago. Now that we know the earth is about 4 billion years old. Kind of puts a dent in a bible literalists world.

Time makes or breaks the Koran, bible and most other religious writings. Many of the basic tenets lose their meaning or just look silly unless you accept the timelines offered in the books. I really believe it is similar to a learning disorder like dyslexia that prevents the person from comprehending the reality of time. Is there a time gene some people are missing?

Megachurch brings Megashame

2007-11-26T01:26:00.000-05:00

The 80-year-old head of an Atlanta megachurch got busted by a paternity test. He fathered a child with his brother's wife. The now 34-year-old "child" didn't even know his true father. Seems like this church has been a destructive force in the community. We can only hope this church goes down the tubes.

Leaving god "Cold Turkey"

2007-11-26T01:24:00.000-05:00

For deeply religious church focused people, just dumping religion and belief in god "cold turkey" would be asking a lot. It's a serious problem. For a religious person to deny god is to acknowledge their life has been a sham. Also, missing all the activities, choir practice, pot lucks, and all that would be no fun. I propose an alternative. Change the focus of religious beliefs to Santa Claus. There are at least as many reasons to believe in Santa as there is god. It would be lots more fun. And the rest of the world would accept it, no problem.

Church names could be changed easily. You could have names like First Church of Santa, Santa Fundamentalist's Church, and Church of the Elves. You could start a sect and maybe call it the Kringlists. There are a whole bunch of St. Nicholas churches that could stay the same. Maybe you only believe Santa likes chocolate chip cookies. You could speak in tongues and have profits to predict what toys would be popular next year. You could go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays as usual, sing, play bingo, -- all the same stuff you were doing before.

Congress could vote to put, "In Santa We Trust" on all the money. We could change the Pledge to "Under Santa". Everybody would say that, no problem, we all love Santa. For those in transition, I have listed some of the hundreds of reasons to believe Santa Claus is god. I have also prepared sample worship services to get you thinking about how all of this would fit together.

Evidence Santa Claus is god

He has a sacred book which is absolute fact
He has lived thousands of years and never gets sick
He keeps a list of the good and bad things people do
We get our morals from him
He punishes people for being bad
He answers some prayers
He lives in a real nice place — I've seen pictures
Millions of people believe in him so, it must be true
He has a fun holiday people look forward to each year
He can be in millions of places at once – it's a miracle
He can go up and down by touching his nose – it's a miracle
He can change his size as needed – it's a miracle
He knows everyone's shirt size – it's a miracle
He can fly – it’s a miracle
He is seen on radar
He knows what people want – it's a miracle
He creates millions of presents from nothing – it's a miracle
He’s been seen by millions of people on the same night - it's a miracle
He eats 3 trillion cookies in one night and doesn’t explode – it's a miracle
He has 12 little friends that help him – hmmmm, well?
He likes animals
He’s against warming of the earth
There are lots of songs about him
The post office knows his address
There are lots of movies about him
My parents said he was real
Most parents have actually talked to him

Church of Santa - Holiday Services

2007-11-26T01:22:00.000-05:00

CHURCH OF SANTA
715 Oak Street
Happy Squire, FL 30242
Bob Belldinging, Pastor
Holiday service
Donations at the door $5 – Kids $6.50

The Mormon X-wives Choir will sing their two big holiday hits
"I had Santa in my Lap" and "Honey, I’m Horny Tonight"
10 CDs will be given as door prizes

High Priest and slick dresser Dr. Sidney Weinstein
will speak on two important topics:
Is China taking the lead out of your pencil?
Do elves get too much TV time?

Group Reading from the Holy Scripture
With analysis by Pastor Bob
Verse 6
"And on the roof there arose such a clatter..."

Following his sermon Pastor Bob will conduct the
annual condom blessing

Dominion's Pizza and Vines of Life are sponsoring communion.
It will be offered in plain or pepperoni (Just one per person)
and the wine will be Red Zinfandel (Second glass $8.50 2 for 1)

Following the ceremony, the Blue Grass group "Winkin, Blinkin, and Odd"
will entertain us in Fellowship Hall. They will be introducing their new song,
"When Santa’s Sleigh Hit the Roof-- So did I"

Come early to avoid the crowds. Don’t forget the
new parking ramp on 5th street is now open.

PLEASE JOIN US
ON THIS HOLIEST OF NIGHTS

SPONSORED BY OAK ST. HARDWARE AND GIFTS
DON’T FORGET OUR PRE-HOLIDAY BB-GUN SALE
$5 (TAX DEDUCTIBLE) FROM EACH SALE WILL BE GIVEN TO
"CONDOMS FOR AFRICA"

Church of Santa - Easter Services

2007-11-26T01:19:00.000-05:00

CHURCH OF SANTA
715 Oak Street
Happy Squire, FL 30242
Bob Belldinging, Pastor
Easter service
Donations at the door $5 – Kids $6.50

The Mormon X-wives Choir will sing their two big holiday hits
"Little Round Belly" and "I Found Lipstick Again"
10 CD’s will be given as door prizes

High Priest and slick dresser Dr. Sidney Weinstein
will speak on two important topics:
Is it OK for Boys to Make Pastel Eggs?
Are Dark Chocolate Bunnies Good for Your Health?

Group Reading from the Holy Scripture
With analysis by Pastor Bob
Verse 2
"The children were nestled all snug in their beds..."

Following his sermon Pastor Bob will briefly address children
about the importance of science and math

Betty's Bakery and The Last Drop are sponsoring communion.
It will be offered in plain or Cinnamon (Just one per person)
with Mocha Del Sole (Second cup $3.75)

Following the ceremony, the rapper "Slurred and Sloppy"
will entertain us in Fellowship Hall. He will be introducing his new single,
"Screaming Drunk"

Come early to avoid the crowds. Don't forget the
new parking ramp on 5th street is now open.

PLEASE JOIN US
ON THIS HOLIEST OF CELEBRATIONS

SPONSORED BY OAK ST. EYE CENTER
FREE BB REMOVAL & TWO PAIR OF GLASSES $199
$5 (TAX DEDUCTIBLE) FROM EACH SALE WILL BE GIVE TO
"CONDOMS FOR AFRICA"

Sunday School for Atheists

2007-11-26T01:14:00.000-05:00

TIME online has a new article about an alternative Sunday school for those that don't believe god. Someplace freethinkers can take their children to develop critical thinking and morals and values as they what for their children. What a great idea.

Religion should be banned by the FDA

2007-11-26T01:12:00.000-05:00

We occasionally hear of products that a being banned by the Food and Drug Administration because they fail to meet their claims and haven't undergone scientific studies. Creams that remove fat, pills that make you lose weight and so on, are among some past scams banned by the FDA.

What about religion? It claims to give everlasting life. Has anyone experienced an everlasting life? Has anyone gone to heaven? Where's the scientific proof? Well, why can’t we ban religion for the same reason? Religions charge a tithe and offer a result that cannot be proven. Let’s make it so churches can no longer claim everlasting life or heaven.

Bill Maher's Documentary: Religulous

2007-11-26T00:49:00.000-05:00

Bill Maher has a new documentary in post-production. Religulous is Bill's take on current state of world religion. Bill talked recently with Larry King about the movie which scheduled for released around Easter 2008. The director, Larry Charles, also brought us Borat; this documentary should be a hilarious commentary on religion.