Stop Your Break-up

The Power of Apathy

noreply@blogger.com (Jel) — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 06:35:00 +0000

The word apathy; without a dictionary it is quite hard to define. Disinterested is one word that could describe apathy. Apathy is basically about you looking after you and the people and things that you care about. In other words you cut your partner out of your list of priorities. If your relationship is in the final stages or your partner has already left and you want them back. Learning how to portray an apathetic attitude could be the answer you are looking for.

Becoming apathetic means that you are releasing your emotional and mental attachment to your partner, you let go of the outcome of any situation. You may not realize it now, but you can control your thoughts. You can control your way of thinking and you can definitely control your actions, and actions speak louder than words. Determination and patience to see this out is what you will learn. It is not easy to train yourself to become apathetic, because we cannot predict which emotions will arise in any situation, however apathy is a very powerful thing you can employ to win your ex back and we are all capable of choosing how we will react to our emotions.

With determination and willpower you can achieve anything you desire. We can achieve our goals. Giving up is not an option. It’s all so easy to give up. When you become apathetic, your lost mate will give up on running away. They will wonder what in the heck is going on. When your ex sees this change, this is what may spur them into coming back. They may not want to close that door yet.

Your ex will be expecting you to chase after them. They will be wondering why you are not trying to reconcile, or change their mind about leaving the relationship. If you are portraying an attitude of disinterest, your ex will be wondering what is up with you and they may chase after you to try and spur an emotional reaction. Therefore it is a good idea to release them from your emotions. Cut off all of those ties, and get on with your life. Do not email them, call them, or drive past their house. They will wonder why they haven’t heard from you. This technique is especially good when you have allowed your needy feelings to take control, and these feelings have driven your partner away.

Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton

Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

Pleading with your Ex to Return

noreply@blogger.com (Jel) — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 12:21:00 +0000

This is probably one of the most common mistakes that we tend to make during a break-up is to plead with our lover not to leave us.

To most of us, this action seems so natural and the right thing to do. We also believe that this will attract our lover to return to us. Because we are not thinking clearly, given that we have a broken heart, we may assume that our lover will be flattered by our attention and want to re-kindle the relationship. Unfortunately this is not the case.

Pleading and nagging your former lover to return will in-fact drive them further away from you. So you are making an already bad situation much, much worse. Telling them that you will change will not work either, as they will not believe it. Actions speak louder than words. Your ex lover may not want you to change. Their reasons for breaking up with you could be lemore about them, than it is about you. In most break ups, this is generally the case. This person is not deliberately trying to hurt you. In most break ups, the person leaving is looking for a happier, more positive and peaceful existence and they want their lives to improve. So this is more about them than it is about you. As hard as it is, a break up is usually not personal, even though it feels as though it is.

Arguing with your ex-partner and telling them that they are wrong to ave the relationship or using guilt to get them to stay are not going to help you. You would not want someone to stay with your out of guilt. You deserve someone who truly loves you and wants to be with you.

If you find that you are having trouble communicating with your ex, without raising the issue of them returning to the relationship, then you simply must end contact with them. This will certainly not aid you in the process of winning back your lover if that is what you wish to achieve here. You need to back off, respect their decision and give them and yourself some space.

Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton

Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

No Contact

noreply@blogger.com (Jel) — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 11:29:00 +0000

Many people write to me and ask me what “no contact” is and how do you do “no contact”? “No Contact” is a break up strategy that I learned a few years ago when I went through a break up and wanted the man in question back. However, “no contact" is more about taking care of you, and doing “no contact” does more for you in terms of getting your life back on track.

Many people whose partners break up with them would like to stay in constant contact, and they would even like to be friends. But I do not feel that this is a good idea. Being in contact all the time leaves a temptation to ask them to come back to the relationship. This puts pressure on your ex, and this is exactly what you do not want to do. You want them to return of their own free will.

Before I go any further with explaining “no contact” I will say that it will not work for couples with children. If you are going through a divorce/separation or break up and you have children, this strategy will not be effective. You can use it but you must keep some kind of contact happening for your children. Your kids obviously have to come first.

If you were living together, then at the beginning of the break up there will be contact as one of you will be required to move out of the home your are sharing. After he or she has formally moved out, then you begin “no contact” For couples who do not live together, “no contact” should begin the same day they end the relationship. However, I realize that most of you reading this article will have had some contact with your ex lovers. It’s not too late to start now, so go to it.

Do not call him or her, do not write, or email and do not text message. Nothing, no contact means zilch. You then focus on the business of getting your life back together. You will probably not hear from your ex for a while as they will probably expect you to chase after them, given they did the dumping here. However if you do hear from them; here is your strategy. Be polite and short with them, tell them you are busy and wish them a nice day. Tell them you would love to catch up soon. No longer than 5 minutes on the phone, and do not tell them anything about what is happening in your life. Talk to them about them, and make small talk at that.

If they call and leave you a message, return the call, but not straight away. Wait a few days, apologise, say you were busy and then ask them what they wanted. Again keep the call short, tell them you are fine, and you will chat to them soon. You need to create wonder and curiosity in their minds about your life. You need to create a situation where your ex wants to know more about what you are doing in your life. You want them to ask you out. Eventually they probably will, but wait for them to ask, do not approach them to go out anywhere.

This strategy is so effective, I recommend it to just about everyone whose relationship has ended and they want their partners back. For people who have children together, you would obviously have to vary it. You would need to be very discreet about your life with your children, because obviously they will tell the other parent all of what is going on with mum or dad. There should be some kind of agreement in place about when the children call your ex and when your ex can call the children, so that the children’s schedule of bedtime, baths, dinner and so forth is not interrupted.

“No contact” is so very effective for both you and your ex because it drives them wild with curiosity over what you are doing and more importantly why they have not heard from you. It also gives you that time and space to work at becoming the person you were before the break up and that’s the person you want them to see.
If you are contemplating trying this after reading this article, I wish you all the best. It worked for me and I believe it can work for you.

Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton

Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

You will find more information available, articles and relationship advice and tips at Jel's website:

http://www.freewebs.com/jel1/index.htm

noreply@blogger.com (Jel) — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 11:17:00 +0000

Stop Your Break up and Relationship E-books

This is a subject that I have discussed on my website a few times before and it’s one that should be re-visited. With the wide range of relationship E-books available on the online market, it is important to carefully choose the one’s to purchase.

These E-books will promise the prospective customer the earth when it comes to solving their relationship problems. I am here to tell you; buyer beware! Not all of these books can deliver what they say they can.

One point that I raised on the Jel’s Love Lounge homepage recently was about love, real love. When thinking along the lines of wanting that person back into your life, ask yourself: Does this person really love me? Because if they don’t your chances of winning them back into a loving, caring relationship that goes both ways is slim to none, to say the least. And would you want someone who didn’t love you? I don’t think so.

When I went through the same issues three years ago with my long distance lover, I had the chance to get him back. However it came down to two things. Firstly, the fact that I realized just in time that he did not really love me and that I was fooling myself, and secondly there was another man on the horizon who I had become friends with. This is the man that I am living with now, and he loves me like no other man ever has. But I was so very close to making a foolish mistake in taking my ex back. And given the fact, that I now know he never really loved me, I cannot understand why he would even want me back.

I had my doubts from the moment I began employing the strategies in these books, because we were long distance and a fair distance from each other I might add. But one of the books I bought re-assured me that I would be able to succeed even if he was halfway around the world. This particular book was; Cucan Pemo’s “Bring Back the Love of Your Life.” In my case, Pemo’s book worked, however I also had access to several other books and support from a relationship forum which specialized in helping people in a relationship with someone who was commitment phobic, which my ex was. The frustrating part here is I cannot specify which book or website helped me the most, because I used a combination of these and put my own plan into action. However, I would have to say that Cucan Pemo's and Annalyn Cara's E-books' were my top two. I have since read many more books and I have listed them below in order of my preference.

It is a good idea to do some quality surfing of the net and track down as many relationship sites and e-books as you can find. I would then pick out your top five and research them. I know it all sounds too hard, as going through a break up or relationship troubles is tough enough and thinking clearly is the last thing you may be doing at the moment. But, if you want to fix your relationship or if you want your lover back it is in your best interests to get the best information. Below are a few pointers to follow when looking for a relationship advice e-book.

· Grab anything they offer for free and read it thoroughly.

· Email the author and ask questions about their book. Ask a lot of questions.

· Ask the author/s for some relationship advice about your particular situation.

· Sign up for their newsletter. These are always free.

The bottom line is find the book or books that best suit your situation, everyone is different. By this I mean if your husband/wife is leaving you and you have children, doing no contact like some of these books suggest is not going to assist you, as you need to be in friendly contact with your ex for the sake of the children.

The other issue that I should mention is these books will not work for you unless your ex lover truly loves you. The advice in these books may get you back into a relationship with your ex lover, however it will not last very long. Love has to be present for it to last. If you are not sure if your ex ever loved you or loves you now, pay attention to how they treat you and try and remember how you were treated in the past. When times were good, were those times really great? What about the bad times? The bad times are the tell tales signs in any relationship. How a person treats another in bad times will clearly show you whether your ex lover really, truly, loves you. I can’t stress this point enough, when a person really love’s you they will be right beside you in the bad times to help you both get through them. And the sweetest thing about the bad times is; they bring you both closer.

In the end it all boils down to everyone’s individual situation and love sweet love. If I had not woken up and smelt the coffee three years ago. I truly believe my life would not be where it is today. And for that I am will be forever grateful. It can be so easy to fool ourselves into believing that we are loved by our ex mates but sometimes; sadly it is not the case.

In the final wash up it is your choice whether you decide to purchase one of these stop break up manuals to save your relationship or marriage. There are many cases and testimonials that show that the formulas in these books work, however everyone’s situation is different and what I am saying is this; take a good look at your situation and your relationship and do a little research, before you choose to buy one of these books. I have included a list of my top ten at the end of this article.

Copyright ©2007, Janelle Coulton

BringBacktheLoveofYourLife

WinBackLove

Get Her Back

12 Simple Rules

SaveYourMarriageToday

KeepYourMarriage

Get Ex Back

50SecretsToABlissfulMarriage

TheRomantic’sCollection

Objectivity after a Break-up

noreply@blogger.com (Jel) — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 10:46:00 +0000

It is so very hard to be objective when we have had our heart broken. Your lover tells you the relationship is over and understandably you fall to pieces. How is it possible to be objective? This is not easy.

It is a fact that as human beings we love ourselves more than anyone or anything else. Looking out for number one is necessary to survive. Whilst in a relationship, you will naturally look out for the other person more than ourselves, you put your lover first. And given that the other partner in the relationship does the same, then you can enjoy a happy and positive existence together.

Once the relationship is over, you will immediately revert to looking after yourself. This behaviour is natural when we feel hurt and angry. We suffer rejection and sadness and many other emotions. This is why you will feel it is almost impossible to remain objective.

Having said that; if you are hoping to win back your lover it is very important to attempt to see things objectively. Showing respect for your partner’s decision, even if you do not agree with him or her is a big start. Your emotions and feelings may be turned upside down and inside out, however it is vital that you remain calm and think about the break up from both sides of the argument. If you find it impossible to be objective, then this will lead to you making many stupid mistakes. If your goal is to win your back your ex, then these mistakes will cost you dearly.

One idea you should try is to seek advice from someone you trust who can be objective. Tell this person you need their honesty and not to worry about hurting your feelings. People on the outside can see the situation a lot more clearly as they are emotionally tied to the situation.

Sit down with a pen and paper and write out all the pros and cons of your relationship. Write down what you feel your mistakes were and the other persons, and try to be as honest with yourself as you can. Every night before your go to bed, look deep into your soul and ask yourself what behaviours led to your partner ending the relationship. Focus on becoming more positive, and changing these behaviour so that you can begin to re-build your self-esteem and become a more positive person.

It is these above actions that will start the ball rolling to winning your lover back. Not to mention that you will also benefit by becoming a healthy, positive and happier person, someone that your ex will want to fall in love with all over again.

© 2007 Janelle Coulton

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Making your Ex Lover Jealous

noreply@blogger.com (Jel) — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 03:29:00 +0000

This is one break-up mistake that many of us make and there have been a few relationship experts out there who have encouraged us to do this. Get a new lover and flaunt your new love in your ex’s face and he or she will come running back to you. I don’t think so.

Firstly, you are essentially using the other person to make your ex jealous and if they have half a brain, they will realize this and dump you like a hot potato. Your ex will also see that you are in-fact using this person to make them jealous and their opinion of you will take a dive.

Secondly, they may ask you to come back, out of simple insecurity with themselves, and to see if the other person was indeed serious competition. When they realize this is not the case, you will be right back where you started.

Lastly, they may believe that you are not available and could surmise that they should move on, and perhaps find themselves a new lover. If they were having doubts about whether they should have ended the relationship, well they will not be second guessing themselves now.

You want to get back with your ex lover and sometimes those feeling of rejection, hurt, anger and sadness can push us to do some crazy things. Our emotions take over and we feel torn inside out and we will sometimes do desperate things. Attempting to make your ex jealous is not going to bring their love back. It will push their love away. Beside you do not want your ex to be feeling jealous. Jealousy can be a very destructive and dangerous emotion and can lead to feelings of resentment, which will not help you in your quest to win back your lover.

If your ex sees that you are trying to make them jealous, they may also feel that you are trying to manipulate them and/or control them and this will definitely not help the situation. No-one wants to be controlled, humans want a freedom of choice and you want your ex to feel free to choose to be with you once again.

Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton

Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

Arguing – A Pointless Exercise

noreply@blogger.com (Jel) — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 09:55:00 +0000

You are feeling a great amount of emotions and feelings. These emotions could include; anger, sadness, jealousy, guilt, and rejection, just to name a few. Your heart is broken, your self esteem is shattered and you believe that your now, ex lover is wrong. You believe that they have made the wrong decision and judged you and the relationship too harshly. When we feel unjustly treated our natural action is to defend ourselves by arguing our point of view with our partner.

Believe me when I tell you, this is a pointless exercise that will not endear you to your lost love. It is almost, if not totally impossible to win an argument after a break up. Emotions and feelings from both partners are at breaking point and that protective wall that we build around ourselves when we are hurt goes up. No-one is going to win this argument, as both of you are going to have very differing points of view and so soon after a break up, it is going to be impossible to make your point seem valid to the other person. When it comes to arguments in general, I believe no-one really wins, especially if a compromise or resolution is not reached. This to me, means that one partner loses and the other wins. In which case, the relationship loses. You will not be able to convince your partner that they are wrong immediately after a break up.

This is a no win situation, and you would do well to not get into any sort of argument with your ex. Your goal is to win them back, which is why you are reading these articles. Arguing right and wrong with them will ultimately push them further away from you. It is a natural reaction to argue and defend our point of view and I don’t blame you for feeling like arguing with your partner, given you are feeling devastated inside. However, you need to realize that you will ruin your chances of getting back together with your ex.

If you can sense an argument brewing, walk away. Tell your ex-partner you do not wish to discuss the matter. There will be a time in the future when you and your partner will be in contact again, and you will be feeling a lot more positive and have a different attitude, you partner will see you in a totally different light and it will be these elements that will attract your partner, and remind them why they fell in love with you in the first place.

Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton

Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

Janelle Coulton (aka Jel) is a professional writer of articles, essays and short stories. She is passionate about writing and helping people who have questions about human relationships or have relationship troubles. Her work can be provocative, controversial and funny, she loves to encourage her readers to look at the big picture. Jel also runs a relationship group at Yahoo! You can go to the following link to check it out: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/StopBreakup/
You will find more information available, articles and relationship advice and tips at Jel's websites:

http://www.freewebs.com/jelbaby/
http://www.freewebs.com/jel1/index.htm

Rekindling your Lost Love

noreply@blogger.com (Jel) — Sun, 02 Dec 2007 10:23:00 +0000

Your relationship is over. And you’re left with a broken heart. You are wondering how you can get your lover back. Before you jump in boots and all and chase after them, pleading for them to return it might be in your best interests to take a time out and assess the situation. Think carefully before making any decisions. Given, that this person has left you, do you really want them back? You need to analyse what went wrong in the relationship. Did your lover give you a reason for leaving? There are many people who will do this; leave a relationship and not tell you the reason. It has happened to me, and based on that, I decided I never wanted anything to with them again.

At first I did want him back and I made it my business to set this process in motion. The very first thing that I did was to take some time out and I did not contact him during this time. Five long weeks of no-contact took place and then I heard from him, he was sorry, he was confused, he didn’t know what he wanted; the excuses came thick and fast. He kept up regular phone and email contact for about two months and then one day I wrote him an email, an honest account of how I saw our relationship, it proved to be the kiss of death. Apart from one nasty email about a profile of mine that he’d found on a dating site, that was it and my cue to forget him and move on. I was essentially fooling myself. He was not coming back, and if he had the relationship would have never amounted to what I needed from him in a relationship.

I am now with someone who is with me for the right reasons. He wants an honest and open relationship and he wants to be a loving person to me and our relationship in every way. Yes; we have our share of problems (every relationship does), but things work between us as we share the same values and we do not compromise our beliefs. My previous lover expected me to compromise my values. He expected me to ignore many aspects of my life and be there for him and I was not prepared to do it. He realised in the end that he could not control me. And it wasn’t until the end that I realised the whole relationship had been a game to him. He had been controlled by women all of his life, starting with his mother and I think he was trying to prove that he could have the upper hand with me. It didn’t work, his stupid emotional games sent me running in the opposite direction.

So before you move heaven and earth to re-kindle your love, think long and hard about whether you really want to be with that person. Think about how you were treated in the relationship, particularly the bad times. If your partner treated you with respect and honoured your feelings at all times, then I would say you have a winner. Sadly though, when things turn sour in a relationship, people forget about respect and honouring the other person. It becomes all about them.

Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton

Get Back With Your Ex. Her new man doesn't
want you to know this www.dontbreakup.com

Janelle Coulton (aka Jel) is a professional writer of articles, essays and short stories. She is passionate about writing and helping people who have questions about human relationships or have relationship troubles. Her work can be provocative, controversial and funny, she loves to encourage her readers to look at the big picture. Jel also runs a relationship group at Yahoo! You can get more info at Jel’s websites:
http://www.freewebs.com/jelbaby/
http://www.freewebs.com/jel1/index.htm

So you Want Your Ex-Lover Back

noreply@blogger.com (Jel) — Sun, 02 Dec 2007 06:50:00 +0000

It is so very important that you take some time for yourself, take a breather and stop and take stock of the situation and your feelings before you make the decision to chase after your ex and try to win them back. Your decisions must be based on logic and not emotion. You must take a good look at yourself and the relationship and what it brought to your life before you rush in and start the process of trying to get your ex back.

Asking yourself why you want them back is a good start. You need to understand your feelings and thoughts and be honest about whether you really want this person in life on a permanent basis. It is important that you do not rush this. You will get to the truth the longer you spend alone with your thoughts. You need to look deep inside yourself and be honest about your feelings. Do you really love them, or are you just lonely? This is an easy mistake to make. Missing that person can make you falsely believe you love them, when in-fact you are just lonely and this is not a good enough reason to re-kindle a relationship. If you just miss them, then consider getting yourself a life and finding a partner whom you truly love with all of your heart.

Looking at what went wrong in the relationship is paramount in this situation. If you don’t explore why he or she broke up the relationship, you will not be able to repair the relationship, for example; if your partner told you that they felt taken for granted and that there was not enough affection and love within the relationship, you will need to rectify this problem. You will need to consider changing this about yourself. The relationship will not survive a second go around if you are not prepared to learn from your mistakes, change your behaviour and grow within the relationship. This is why we have relationships, to learn, change and grow. They have dumped you, and they have done this for a reason, chances are it is mostly you who will need to make the changes here necessary for the relationship to flourish.

Once you have worked through the above suggestions, it would be a good idea to set up a meeting, if you feel ready. If not give yourself some more time. Do you feel ready to make the effort to get this relationship back on track? If so, call your ex-lover and them to meet for coffee. Chances are they will agree, especially if your relationship was very special to both of you. Tell them about the work that you have done and the conclusions that you have drawn and explain what is going to change. If your lover still has feelings for you, there is a very good chance that this will work. Nothing in life is ever certain however, to give up on someone that you really love who could possibly be in your life again is worth the risk.

Stick to your promises, and keep your word. Make your actions mimic your words. You have decided to give your relationship a second try, so you must be true to your word and make a committed effort to see it through. Portraying the person you promised to be to your lost love is your top priority. Your relationship will work, as long as you remain true to your words and yourself.

Getting your ex lover back is really not so difficult, providing you both feel the same way about each other. This is a process we go through when we want something bad enough. Your ex will notice the changes in you and the relationship and they will appreciate the effort you are making. So in the end it all becomes worthwhile to dedicate all you can to sustain your relationship. I wish you all the best.

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Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton

Getting Dumped

noreply@blogger.com (Jel) — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 12:34:00 +0000

Getting Dumped and Wanting your Ex Back

Some of us are lucky and have never been through a break-up. However, most of us have been through the pain of being dumped and the pain we feel as the result of a broken heart can leave some of us devastated and unable to contemplate the risk of a relationship ever again. Yet, there are some of us who pick ourselves up and get on with it. We are all different in how emotional pain affects us.

We will at some stage grieve for our lost lover, however the ways in which we choose to grieve can be different for each individual. Some people will swear off love forever, choosing to let fear run their decisions and emotions. Some will begin to date almost immediately and some may concoct a plan to retrieve their lover. Of those who choose to go down the road of winning their lover back, this decision requires careful thought.

It depends on how the relationship ended and the reason the relationship ended. In most relationships it is usually both partners who make or break the relationship. In some cases I have known people to have been dumped by their partner and not be given a reason. You may well ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who leaves you without any kind of explanation. This shows a definite flaw in the communication style of the relationship, meaning the communication was not good. Relationships with poor communication do not last. So firstly, ask yourself if you really want this person, or are you suffering from loneliness or a fear of being alone.

You should also being asking yourself if this person really loves you. I cannot stress this point enough. There is nothing to be gained if your partner does not really love you and chances are you will no succeed in your quest to retrieve their love. I am a true believer that love does not die, it only goes stale. However if a relationship is neglected for a long period of time, the love can be extremely hard to re-kindle.

Were you looking out for yourself in this relationship as well as your partner? It is true that we look out for our lover more than ourselves, but you should not be giving your all to your partner and neglecting yourself. And your partner should not be allowing you to neglect yourself either. If they were, then this really is not the sort of person you need in life. Chances are they were neglecting you and leaving you to carry the load in the relationship. When two people love each other, they take care of each other and help each other. Was this happening in your relationship? If your partner broke up with you, then it is likely that looking after each other was not a priority in your relationship.

Finally it is very easy to lay blame at your partners feet for the flaws in your relationship and the fact that he or she broke your heart. This kind of thinking is pointless and will not achieve anything. You would do better to let go of blame and move towards re-building your life and self esteem. It is only when you can once again be a happy, positive person (the person your ex fell in love with) that you will succeed in winning your lover back.

Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton

Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

Janelle Coulton (aka Jel) is a professional writer of articles, essays and short stories. She is passionate about writing and helping people who have questions about human relationships or have relationship troubles. Her work can be provocative, controversial and funny, she loves to encourage her readers to look at the big picture. Jel also runs a relationship group at Yahoo! You can get more info at Jel’s website:
http://www.freewebs.com/jelbaby/
http://www.freewebs.com/jel1/index.htm

NIce Girls get Dumped, so be a Little bit Bad

noreply@blogger.com (Jel) — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 09:53:00 +0000

Nice Girls get Dumped, So Be a Little bit Bad

Just like every other time I’ve written an article or an essay, this time is no different. I’m sitting here, trying to put words on the paper and taking it all way too seriously. When I do this I know I am trying too hard and when I try too hard, I inevitably screw things up. You would think that the opposite would be true. Unfortunately as hard as we work at something, the pay off is sometimes not worth all the effort.

While this concept applies to my passion for writing, it also applies to women, dating and relationships. Nice, caring, nurturing women whose first priority is not themselves, but usually their man. We as women usually want to please everyone and we try to do so, only to fail miserably in the end. Why is it that so many seemingly nice women get dumped all the time? The answer is we are too damned nice. The quote “nice guys finish last" also applies to women.

If I had a dollar for every nice woman gets dumped story I’ve heard or seen first hand, I’d be rich as well as single, which wouldn’t be so bad. Seemingly their’s and my only sin was that we as women were too nice, understanding, caring or whatever you get the picture. It’s hard to believe that women can be kicked to the kerb for being too nice.

The thing is relationships are part of a woman’s identity, which is why we work so hard at them. We can’t help it. It is natural for us to do this. What is not so natural is to work at being just a little bit bad here. Now ladies, I am not advocating nastiness or bitchiness here, even though we would all agree that some men need a bloody good smack. What I am advocating is a lot more love towards ourselves and our own lives and a little game of hard to get. He doesn’t get to have all the goodies all at once. Most of these casualties happen within the first three months. This is where the ambivalence begins to fester inside a man. You can quite clearly see when a woman’s relationship with a man is on the rocks. She will call home to check her messages. She will break plans with family and friends just to see him. She will do most of the chasing. She will drive herself crazy with wonder about what he is doing and why he has not called.

All that a woman can do at this point is to stop. Stop calling, stop thinking about him, stop whining and make a date with someone new. If he is really that interested, he will come running and if you never see him again, good riddance girls, he’s not interested. He might want a little action late on a Friday night and may ask you to come over. Don’t do it. You are not on call for a roll in the hay whenever the mood takes him. You have much higher standards than that. I have known of relationships to end like this after years of the couple being together. I, myself encountered a man’s ambivalent bullshit, only to be kicked to the kerb after two and a half years. He said that he was not sure anymore. Truthfully girls, it was my fault. I was too nice and I became the proverbial doormat. The signs were there but I ignored all of them in the name of love, sweet love. I was with a man who, one night was expressing his undying love and commitment to me and then the next day he is yelling “You don’t own me!" down the telephone line. That should have been my wake up call, as he was basically saying “I’m here for a good time, not a long time," or “I am a commitment phobic asshole."

In all fairness though and particularly to the man whom I am referring to, (he will know who he is should he ever read this) he really did love me and still does, however like most commitment phobic people, he could not deal with the intensity of my love for him (moral of that story, stay away from commitment-phobes). I was the nice girl you would take home to meet mummy, I got on well with his parents, I did all of that doormat behaviour, and I put up with the in-laws crap. Bottom line was, he was a commitment phobe and he did not want passionate sex with his mother and judging myself on my doormat behavior I guess I became that image. In the final six months I began to wise up, fortunately for me, so did he. He decided that his commitment phobia was a terminal illness. So it was sayonara sweetie.

The biggest revelation was that I was too nice, I needed to love myself more, and I must realise that men love women who aren’t so nice to them. So my suggestion to all women is to become more involved with who you are and what you want in life. When we as women assert ourselves out there in the real world, men look at us as bitches, however this also turns a man on and eventually they fall in love with the whole, she isn’t so wrapped up in me, she takes care of herself. They’ll get a hard on just thinking about how interested and focused you are on your own life. Act like an agreeable doormat, and he’ll be gone. Men love the chase, the cat and mouse game that we hate. They invented it, it turns them on. Why deprive them, it would be quite selfish of us not to indulge our man in something he loves so much.

Relationships, dating, commitment and marriage are pretty serious business and dating with the intention of finding Mr Right can be a mixed bag of emotional bullshit. However, it is the seriousness of it all that leads to women trying too hard. At the beginning of this essay I spoke about trying too hard, and screwing it all up. I think we should all lighten up and approach this dating/relationship stuff with a sense of humour. Most importantly remember people always want what they can’t have, it’s human nature and that goes for both women and men so let the games begin.

Copyright 2006 Janelle Coulton

Endnote: I wrote this when I was in a pretty stupid mood and my attempt was to make it comical, I would love some feedback.

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