(Photo by Dave Hull, used with CC permission)

In mid-2012, after a couple years of fairly consistent and productive creative writing activity, I almost stopped writing altogether. I suddenly began to feel that my perceptions were changing too rapidly to make any concrete statements about my personal experiences. Even some pieces I wrote in early 2012 started to feel embarrassing, while many essays and stories I composed half a decade ago had become totally unrecognizable as my own work.

At first I thought the lull in activity was due more to my recent move to a new place, combined with my difficulty covering basic life expenses. These have surely made it harder to get back to work on my first book manuscript after a life-shattering illness in 2011. But another reason for the delay is that I’m testing my budding personal philosophy – laid out in my manuscript in abstract form – for effectiveness in the applied realm of real life. And this year, at least, my perceptions have seemed very untrustworthy – my beliefs, constantly in flux. So I began to wonder if I would ever be able to write anything again.

I know I’m being hard on myself. The Internet and related technologies have created a culture of ever-flowing content. We tend to call this content “information,” but information defined more technically is really something that we didn’t expect or know already – or stated differently, something that adds coherence to our understanding of reality. Therefore, not much of what we encounter in this highly incoherent 24/7 content culture should be called information. Either way, very little in this technological culture stays the same very long – least of all our opinions about what we see happening in the world. And many of these shifts in selfhood are a normal part of growing older. For instance, hardly anyone sees things the same at age 30 as they did at age 20.

I started writing at age 22 with no training outside of English and literature/composition classes in public school. I was following the creative footsteps of a long line of American writers who focused mostly on their personal experience, whether in journalism or semi-autobiographical fiction. Many of these writers had a stated preference to publish as early a draft as possible, thinking that editing blocked the raw meaning of the written expression from coming through. They also almost universally mistook their opinions for truth – a feeling that was bolstered when their opinions differed from predominant views in the cultural mainstream. They assumed that they had it right, not anyone else – and that assumption can be highly destructive, or at least counter-productive.

I definitely felt that I was a harbinger of truth in my own writing. But in attempting to express and process my existential dilemma, I became very mean and bitter. People who deserved my compassion, and possibly even my help, became targets of my vitriol. Worst of all, I didn’t practice what I preached – especially when it came to living my dreams instead of hiding in fear. I thought that blogging about culture and psychology was a sufficient truth-seeking practice, and I didn’t subscribe to the journalistic principle of giving equal weight to “both sides” of a story. In concept I defended the idea that there are inevitably more than two sides to any issue. But in reality, like so many before me, I mistook my minority view for truth simply because it was a minority view and it seemed correct to me.

Even if I had stuck to the traditional journalism model, I still would have been limited by the dominant publishing schedules. Currently most event coverage happens shortly beforehand (a preview) or immediately afterwards (a review or news story). Previews often serve as promotion, to the delight of marketers; reviews and stories are intended to get the news out before anyone else “scoops” your publication. The growth of the Internet had the effect of crunching news schedules in unprecedented ways. If a major news outlet doesn’t have a story up within minutes after a breaking event, they will have lost thousands of links on social media networks, blogs, etc., resulting in less audience exposure to advertisements and, therefore, a loss in ad revenue.

The problem is that, whether with personal experiences or public events, we can’t always tell “what really happened” right away – and sometimes we never get the whole story. Our first impressions are usually incorrect for the simple reason that we only had access to part of the relevant information, whether we perceived it directly through our own senses, or received it through secondary sources (e.g., word of mouth, photographs, etc.). Modern psychology – especially in its focus on information processing and self-deception – has demonstrated how we unconsciously filter and edit sensory data, often in ways that defend our self-image and belief system. Thus, if we want the full story on anything, we’re likely going to have to do some internal revision.

Currently we don’t make it very easy for people to revise their view on anything. We tend to discredit people who admit that their beliefs and opinions have changed, as though this makes them unreliable. Just think of all the political ads complaining that someone “flopped back and forth” on an issue. We’re led to believe that a consistent view, even one held to the point of absurdity, is optimal.

This isn’t only a matter of how we view other people. Many people will argue over something they don’t really care about, just so they’re not called a wimp or a liar. And it takes a lot of courage for a person to undergo a transcendental change of mind. Depending on how fundamental the belief is to a person’s worldview, an internal shift or rupture can even make someone feel like they’re losing their mind.

However, to espouse the same worldview and belief system permanently is to exist in a state more aligned with death than life. Those who are totally inflexible in their opinions when facing new, challenging information are harboring dogma – whether religious or any other kind. And when most of us express and defend our opinions, we are performing indoctrination without even realizing it.

With that in mind, I feel that I’m approaching a totally new vision of writing – particularly nonfiction writing. From now on I might only be able to write a literature of transformation. In principle the fictional medium of the novel has always contained an element of this, but most media stories about real life – regardless of genre – still defend a specific stance or worldview. In a nutshell, the new style could consist of this kind of message: “I used to see things this way. Then something surprising happened. Now it all seems completely different.” Instead of perceiving an event or experience and rushing to create a written record immediately, it might be better to take notes, sit with the experience, allow more information to collect, let the meaning coagulate – and then issue a statement on what has happened.

When reviewing my most important personal experiences in 2012, I’ve had to let four to six months pass after the initial event before I could accumulate enough information to develop a mental picture so clear that I might be able to publish an accurate and meaningful statement about it. Partly this is because the initial experience is always flavored by the subjective conditions of the situation I find myself in at that time – conditions like emotional fluctuations, physical discomfort, etc. But it’s also partly because, as I stated above, my perceptions of people, organizations, and events are always incomplete at first.

To make my perceptions more complete requires self-awareness of my own biases, neuroses, traumatic past experiences, dream patterns, and more. It also means tracking the ways that I make generalizations, assumptions, and projections on a regular basis. Finally, it demands that I put off judgments and conclusions as long as possible.

I used to feel compelled to issue a statement on almost everything that caught my attention (mainly entertainment media and cultural events), and my expression usually had a polar quality that judged things to be either good, desirable, worthy… or bad, undesirable, unworthy. Not only did this result in the dissemination of a lot of embarrassing B.S., but it also exhausted me mentally, emotionally, and even sometimes physically.

Since we’re not yet trained on a mass scale with tools of self-awareness, critical thinking, and existential communication, this implies a long, difficult individual journey for anyone wishing to make their expression more empirically sound and, therefore, more useful to themselves and to society. Embarking on this journey means favoring silence and reservation for an indefinite amount of time. This is an uncomfortable idea in a culture where, thanks to social media and other Internet phenomena, each of us self-publishes our views to an audience of at least hundreds of people on a daily basis.

But to me it seems that one of the most promising qualities of the Internet is the ability to create an unprecedented record of information and experience for future human generations to use as a reference in their individual and collective actions. Unless we can begin to straighten out our perceptions and communication, that promise will never come to fruition.

This leads me to ask certain questions. Do I allow the people in my life to change their minds? Do I expect them to take a position on things and never alter it, to the point that our relationship would falter if the position did change? Do I allow myself to alter my viewpoints and beliefs? How many times has fear of some kind prevented me from doing so?

This type of transformation seems to be an important “enlightenment” or “awakening” for the times. Divorced from the usual “spiritual” context – this constitutes an enlightenment of the most practical, applied kind, when that which existed in darkness is suddenly revealed in full clarity.

Writing has contributed a great amount of meaning to my life since I first felt a calling to do it. Therefore, a pause in productivity proved a very trying experience – leaving me with the same feeling that would come to anyone who could no longer perform an activity that lends a sense of justification to their existence. Yet this pause to self-reflect and re-evaluate my own expression is leading not only to a more useful product, but also a more meaningful life. I believe the same will come to anyone who undergoes such a process.

Hi, my name is Nick Meador, and I’m here to introduce a great new website called Funding My Existence.

I came up with the idea in the spring of 2012, shortly after moving to Boulder.

I’ve met a lot of people here with brilliant, innovative ideas, but those people can’t fully explore and develop their ideas because they’re making a living by working at a job that’s unrelated to their passion.

For instance, I am writing my first nonfiction book, which I believe could help people and change our world. I also make video art and volunteer as a community organizer.

However, I need to support myself in a sustainable way, which would mean covering basic living costs like rent, groceries, and transportation.

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Essentially with Funding My Existence, what we are doing is building a fresh culture that enables creative brilliance in new and exciting ways.

Instead of cutting artistic people out of the job economy, we must find ways to integrate them, allow them to manifest their artistic urges, so that we’ll all benefit.

Give them total freedom to control their schedule, activities, and other aspects of the creative process.

Encourage them to fully explore their weirdness and crazy ideas as they see fit, as they form new social connections based on common trust and tolerance.

Allow them all their physical and mental energy so that they can devote their lives to visionary projects that will bridge us into a brighter future.

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The Internet has enabled some new ways of supporting creative workers, but Funding My Existence would surpass current fundraising platforms by avoiding unnecessary restrictions on participants.

And anyway, what we really need is a platform to fund the creative lives we’re envisioning, not just a single creative project.

Donors will be a vital and engaged part of this new community.

Those who give support are entering into a mutually beneficial relationship with those who receive support.

As a supporter, you’ll get project updates, mentions by artists, and other unique gifts.

You wouldn’t just be supporting artists; you’d be supporting an entirely new lifestyle and work paradigm!

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Funding My Existence wasn’t inspired only by my need to finish the book, but also by the book’s subject matter.

I’m examining how Jack Kerouac and the Beat Generation — in other words, figures in the American counter-culture movement of the 1950s — have influenced people reaching adulthood today, and also picking apart the lingering myths, from the reality of their lives.

Kerouac had plenty of wild dreams for his life, but what really seemed to work for him was alternating between a life wandering the globe, and a life writing and meditating at home.

Kerouac could never hold a job for very long, because his passion — his very reason for living — was to go on adventures, and then write about them.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to work; he just wanted to work his own way — the way that seemed most important to him… important because of the impact he knew it could have on the world.

Despite their non-traditional lifestyle, Kerouac and the Beats contributed immensely to a creative framework that has shaped so much of Western culture over the last half a century.

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It’s time to start empowering and making better use of the people who don’t quite fit in the current system.

If we change our attitudes about work itself, we could easily spark a global creative flowering unlike anything the human race has ever seen.

There are many possibilities for what Funding My Existence could become.

A support network for the Creative Class.

A multi-author blog about how to lead a more independent and creatively fulfilling life.

A fundraising site for projects and lifestyles, without the snags and loopholes of current fundraising platforms.

Or even a non-profit company that employs a staff of people on “mind fellowships” — a term coined by design scientist Bucky Fuller — which would involve a range of introspective and creative activities, or really anything that allows people to think freely and clearly.

Fuller believed that even one person in such a program would invent something that pays for all the rest. I believe this network would allow us to tap into the collective unconscious in a way that fosters unprecedented awareness and progress across the globe.

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To learn more about this project, sign up for the mailing list, contribute your ideas, or provide support, please visit fundingmyexistence.org or search for Funding My Existence on Facebook.

H+ Magazine just published the second article describing the project, titled “Future of Work: Finding Value in the Rejects of the Job Economy.” Here’s a short excerpt from the essay:

Unless one is capable of staying in what our society has deemed a ‘normal’ state of consciousness for 20-40 hours per week week after week, one cannot ‘make a living.’ I for one agree with Fuller’s argument that no one should have to make a living. If the time and energy required to pay bills and feed ourselves prevents us from actually making the changes and progress that we envision in the world, then we are in trouble and we have also lost our link with America’s founding mission statement to guarantee ‘Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness’ to all.

If this project speaks to you and you’d like to be involved in its development, feel free to join the Funding My Existence: Advisory Team Facebook group. Please also take a look at the first FME essay from April 2012.

I filmed this last August and finished the video in September 2012. I hope you enjoy!

Filmed at Lake Michigan in Evanston, IL, on 8/16/2011

Song: “Deadbeat Seagull (Toro Y Moi Remix)” by Neon Indian (neonindian.com — toroymoi.blogspot.com.)

Video: Buddha with a Thousand Arms (original no longer on YouTube)

Songs: “The Pull” and “Morning Ritual” by High Places (hellohighplaces.blogspot.com)

Song: “High Together” by Siriusmo (facebook.com/siriusmo)

Video created on 9/9/2012

Song: “A Grass Day” by Groundislava (wediditcollective.com)

It appears we are living at the dawn of a new era. Throughout our culture we see signs of change, progress, and evolution. A “Creative Class” is on the rise that — with the help of the Internet and other related technologies — will reportedly transform our entire socio-economic system.

And yet, at the same time, something is amiss. Much of this so-called Creative Class can only prosper by finding work within the current corporate infrastructure, resulting in very little actual creativity or innovation. The very ones who might create the necessary change in society must expend their time and energy worrying about “making a living.” Those who can keep a job have to sacrifice ideas that contradict the wishes of bosses and the company’s stockholders.

For those who have been diagnosed “abnormal” by our society, this problem is especially prevalent. Such people are variably labeled anti-social, eccentric, introverted, highly sensitive, ADD, bipolar, neuro-atypical, differently abled, gifted, or one of many other similar terms that have a derogatory effect. The trouble is that the only people who ever made any worthwhile changes in this world belonged to one of these categories.

The most creative visionaries often cannot function adequately in modern society. This makes it extremely hard to avoid unemployment, let alone to feed and shelter oneself. But admit that you feel this way, and you’re instantly labeled lazy, arrogant, elitist, etc. We’re evidently not ready to admit on a mass scale that the current definition of a “normal” human being is not only imaginary, but impossible.

It is time that we break out of this double-bind. One idea how to do that has sat dormant in the cultural underground for the last few decades. In 1969, R. Buckminster Fuller (a.k.a. Bucky Fuller) published his short volume Operating Manual for Spaceship Earth. As Fuller writes:

…we must give each human who is or becomes unemployed a life fellowship in research and development or in just simple thinking. Man must be able to dare to think truthfully and to act accordingly without fear of losing his franchise to live. [...] For every 100,000 employed in research and development, or just plain thinking, one probably will make a breakthrough that will more than pay for the other 99,999 fellowships.

This will never be possible in a purely capitalistic system that runs according to the tenets of selfishness and greed — or the misapplied motto “survival of the fittest.” The Internet has allowed for certain non-traditional funding platforms, but the most popular ones are oriented around funding creative projects — not funding a creative life. And taking out any kind of loan seems dangerous when there’s no way to be sure about the possibility of paying it back.

For some of us, a “job” or a “career” is not the answer. For some, it’s time to admit: “What I really need is help FUNDING MY EXISTENCE.” Fuller also used the term “mind fellowships.” His purpose was very clear:

Through the universal research and development fellowships, we’re going to start emancipating humanity from being muscle and reflex machines. We’re going to give everybody a chance to develop their most powerful mental and intuitive faculties. [...] What we want everybody to do is to think clearly.

With this spirit in mind, let’s give birth to an online community designed to provide existential funding to the people who need it. Recipients will have to demonstrate what value they have contributed to society in the form of ideas, projects, art, innovation, social movements, etc. Donors will be able to choose which individuals interest them the most.

We’ve spent enough time talking about futuristic visions of society. Some feel an urgent drive to manifest it in reality. It is time to enable those people by funding their existence, allowing them to worry about more pressing matters — like changing the world.

Watch for updates at fundingmyexistence.org or share your thoughts on Facebook!

Editing level 2

Source video: “Disco Dancer” – Dir. by Babbar Subhash (1982)

Song: “Why Like This” by Teebs (teebs.bigcartel.com)

Editing level 4

Source video: “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure” – Dir. by Tim Burton (1985)

Song: “Rainbow Voodoo” by Clark (myspace.com/throttleclark)