One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner, Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. “Mother Potato?” she said, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Russet!”

“A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”

As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother? I, too, have an announcement.”

“And what might that be?” encouraged Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!”

“You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?”

“I’m marrying an Idaho!” beamed the middle daughter.

“An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.”

“Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

“Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married as well!”

“Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?”

“I’m marrying Dan Rather!”

“DAN RATHER?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”

This one is courtesy of The Daily What:

This next one is courtesy of Lisa:

New Direct TV Commercial

“When your cable goes out, you can’t study game film.

When you can’t study game film, you lose to Alabama.

When you lose to Alabama, you get depressed.

When you get depressed, you buy a Harley.

When you buy a Harley, you meet hot, young ex-volleyball players.

When you meet hot, young ex-volleyball players, you go on joy rides.

When you go on joy rides, you end up in a roadside ditch.

Don’t end up in a roadside ditch.”

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

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A Great Hunt

Shot my first turkey yesterday!

Scared the sh*t outta everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!

Gettin’ old is so much fun…

This one is courtesy of my buddy Dave:

It all began with an iPhone

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter’s birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started…

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

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Stay tuned, and thanks for putting up with me!

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

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Many of you have asked: “How are you doing?” I’m doing OK. Not fantabulous, but given the circumstances, I think I’m handling everything rather well. I think I’ve got a good handle on my monthly budget, mapping out which expenses are clearly to be mine (the house, my car, etc.) and which ones Jim and I will have to split. I’m sure we’ll have other things creep up, but I really feel good about this.

Jim hasn’t done anything as far as I can tell. I’ve dropped hints about wanting to know when he plans to move out, but he’s either ignoring them, or missing them altogether. (I’m betting on the latter) While I’m in no hurry for he and Jessie to leave, I realize he’s a master procrastinator and will not move out on his own unless I nag him. He’s dragging his feet, and honestly, I don’t think he’s been looking at places or anything. Nothing’s packed, and we still have to hash out what furniture, appliances, and so forth will be going with them.

I’m dreading that, but a big part of me just wants to get it over with. I’m done being in limbo.

I still have my moments when I see or hear something that just makes me lose it, but I think I’m holding it together pretty OK. I did have to turn off my digital photo frame at work. It seemed every time I looked over, a picture of Jim or one of our wedding pics was up. I had been planning to swap out the photos on it anyways with newer ones of friends, family, and my favorite baby girl anyways.

So, that’s pretty much how things are — they’re OK. And I’m OK. Or, at least I think I will be.

I know everything will work itself out, eventually.

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

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I love him, but I can’t continue to be with someone who doesn’t love me back, or in the very least treat me with the respect I deserve. I’ve been working on my budget, trying to map out my expenses and such. We recently had to replace our water heater, and this summer the A/C system will need replacing. Then there’s the things we’ve bought together, like the cars, and furniture … then there’s who will take what when he and Jess move out.

I don’t know exactly when it happened, but I woke up one day and thought to myself, “WTF are you doing?! Get up off your ass and get control of your life back!” So I’m doing exactly that. I’m looking out for me and Jess. I’ve made sure that Jessie knows (and I remind her OFTEN!) that she can call on me for anything at any time, no matter what. Jim has been reasonable with me continuing to see her, so I plan on keeping her room setup so she can stay with me whenever she wants.

But that’s pretty much it. I’m trying to take better care of me — something I’ve known from the beginning that I needed to do. Part of me still can’t believe this has really happened. I’m done mourning. I’m angry. I’m resentful. I’m wishing I hadn’t held back, wishing I had said more, instead of trying to play peacemaker. I played fair, when he didn’t. So I’m done with that, and from now on, I’m taking of myself.

Once I’m able, I will start working out with my trainer again. I have signed up for a couple self defense classes and am looking forward to those. Not that I feel vulnerable or anything, but it’s been a while since I’ve attended one, and one of the ones I’m attending includes one-on-one defense training with firearms.

There’s no date for when Jim moving out. Honestly I don’t think he’s prepared. Supposedly he’s looked at some apartments, but I don’t think he’s worked on a budget to see if they’re in a price range he can afford. I’ve always handled our bills, so he has no idea what anything costs. (not that I think he’s not capable, but he’s not the best at planning things or budgeting)

Work has been keeping me hella busy still. I am thinking of starting taking on side projects again. Having the extra money couldn’t hurt, and honestly, I’ve been out of the industry for so long I feel like not doing any work at all could prevent me from eventually getting back into web design. Hell, maybe I’ll go back to school. Nothing has been decided definitively. I guess this was just the wake-up call I needed to get myself back on track. I’ve been standing still for the last 3 years and never did anything to take care of myself … only taking care of everyone else.

I need to start actively blogging again. More than just my weekly funnies and depressing personal updates. I used to do so many things. I used to be a happier person, a fun person … I need to find her again.

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

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Last week Jim told me he felt it had been “long enough” and it was time to “end it.” He brought up getting an annulment, I refused. He then brought up divorce, I don’t want that either. We fought all night, but the result would have been the same, fight or no fight — he’s leaving.

I still love my husband, and I’m losing him.

He flat-out refuses to see a therapist and does not believe that changing his medication will help. He feels that we’ve “dragged this out long enough” and that he’s too broken to give me what I need, and that I should move on.

He’s already found an apartment that he’ll be looking at in the next day or so, if he hasn’t already. He wants to sit down and go over our finances. We won’t be selling our house, I’ll be staying there. He and Jessie will move out. It broke my heart to tell her that. She was there for our fight, and she’s plenty upset with both of us. She had it in her head that she was going to stay with me.

I love my daughter, and I’m losing her too.

The two people I love most in this world are slipping away from me. I feel powerless and hopeless, and all I can do is cry.

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

Copyright © Nicki Faulk · All Rights Reserved

And this one is courtesy of Facebook:

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

Copyright © Nicki Faulk · All Rights Reserved

And these gems are courtesy of Cookie:

Today’s Truth

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is absolute proof that they are wrong:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say “It would be nice to have another child.”

You will NEVER hear a guy say, “I would like another kick in the nuts”.

Secrets to a long happy marriage

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband. She says, “I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”

Her husband asks, “Is that you, or the wine talking?”

She replies, “It’s me … talking to the wine.”

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

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Today’s funny is courtesy of Cookie:

I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the “right” and Liberals are called the “left.”

By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible: “The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.” — Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)

Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen.

Can’t get any simpler than that. Except:

Your Spelling Lesson

The last four letters in American……….I Can

The last four letters in Republican……..I Can

The last four letters in Democrats………Rats

End of lesson. Test to follow in November, 2012

Remember, November is being set aside as National Rodent Removal month.

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

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Gun Wisdom

Some words to the wise. Shooting advice from various Concealed Carry instructors. If you own a gun, you will appreciate this. If not, you should get one and learn how to use it.

A; Guns have only two enemies: rust and politicians.

B; Its always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

C; Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

D; Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside your arm’s length.

E; Never say “I’ve got a gun.” If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.

F; The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second.

G; The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win — cheat if necessary but win.

H; Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets … You may get killed with your own gun, but he’ll have to beat you to death with it ’cause it’ll be empty.

I; If you’re in a gun fight:

1. If you’re not shooting, you should be loading.
2. If you’re not loading, you should be movin.
3. If you’re not movin’, you’re dead.

J; In a life and death situation, don’t just stand there. Do something … It may be wrong, but do something!

K; If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

L; You can say ‘stop’ or ‘alto’ or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone’s head is pretty much a universal language.

M; You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family.

This next one has been shared with me by several people on Facebook:

A son decided his mother could not live alone anymore, she was just too senile. So he decided to take her to all the homes in the district to decide which one she liked the most.

The first one was a pleasant surprise. Lovely gardens, lots of oldsters chatting happily. The owner offered to take the son on a tour around the premises, so he sat his mom in the middle of a big sofa, and went off for the tour.

The attendant noticed the old lady was slumping, tilting to her right. She promptly straightened the old lady up, padded her right side, and called the nurse. About 5 minutes later, the old lady, with a fixed look on her face, started tilting to her left. The nurse straightened her up, add padded her with more cushions, wondering if she should call the doctor.

A few minutes later, the old lady started to slump forwards, and again, the routine of straightening her up and padding with cushions.

The son arrived at that moment:

“Mom, this place is a paradise. Lovely staff, game rooms, good food, big garden, nice inmates! You’ll love it!”

His mother retorted, “Love it my arse. It’s a bloody prison camp. They won’t even let me fart … “

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

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A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,”You were close! The number was 7. Sorry.No sex this time.”

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, “I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

George replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged. My wife Thelma won twice last week!”

Catholic Last Rites

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

“A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, “A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn’t there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?”

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

“Mr. Policeman,” said the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I’m living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I’m overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man.”

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:

“B-5 … I-19 … N-38 … G-54 … O-72″

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

“Walter,” responds the little boy.

“And what is your question, Walter?”

“I have four questions: First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it’s actually gotten worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs? Fourth, why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?”

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right: question time. Who has a question?”

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

“Steve,” he responds.

“And what is your question, Steve?”

“Actually, I have two questions. First, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early? Second, what the f*ck happened to Walter?”

This funny is courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger:

And this one I got from The Mary Sue. It’s not so much funny, more like very cool.

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

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I have a couple funnies to share, the first being from I Has a Hotdog:

And this one is apparently a preview for Volkswagen’s upcoming Superbowl ad:

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

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