Tom retired in his early 50’s and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk.

“Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as your fellow workers.”

Tom replied, “Yes, sir, I know. I’m sorry, but I am working on it.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” his boss said. “However, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me because I understand that you retired from the United States Marine Corps, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn’t that correct?”

“Yes. I did retire from the Marine Corps, and I’m mighty proud of it!” said Tom.

“Well, what did they say when you came in late?” asked his boss.

“They said, ‘Good morning, General’.”

This one is from my friend Adam:

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’

‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

This one is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Cassandra:

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze — perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those feelings’ again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’

And last but not least, this one from my friend Catina:

This is the true story of a garage owner in New Mexico. He was sick and tired of thugs breaking into his garage shop to steal tools, etc. so he came up with this idea… He put the word out that he had a new “mexican lion” that would attack anyone that would break in or climb his fence.

Would-be thieves saw the “lion” from a distance and fled the scene.

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

Copyright © Nicki Faulk · All Rights Reserved

We’re still working on the house here and there as time permits. We’ve started renovating both of the bathrooms and have started painting each room one at a time. Once Jim finds work, we can start the financing stuff again. The builder’s company that currently owns the home we want has been great about extending our contract as long as we need it, so that has definitely been one less thing to worry about!

We’ve all been spending our spare time playing Aion (as I’m sure everyone has gathered by now, LOL!). It’s been a great experience for Jessie so far. It amazes me how quickly she has picked up the MMO lingo and how she interacts with other people online — both in our guild and in pickup groups. Aion has also been excellent motivation when it comes to good behavior at home and diligence in her school work. She’s allowed to play Aion as long as she keeps up her studies and her grades, and so far it’s working great!

She’s doing REALLY well this year in middle school. She loves her teachers, her classes, and having more kids come in from area feeder schools has put a good mix of kids in her classes (rather than the same 20+ for the last 6 years). For the most part, she’s getting along much better with her schoolmates from what we can tell. We know there have been small “picking” events, but nothing near like the bullying she experienced in the elementary school. (although it helps that the two biggest bullies are no longer in the JeffCo school system — one is at an alternative school and the other now being homeschooled and “getting treatment for issues”)

Jessie is a completely different child now, it’s absolutely amazing.

I had been meaning to post about this for a while, but what prompted me was a story posted in The Birmingham News today about Trey Figures, a 12 year old boy in Anniston who committed suicide earlier this week. Reading Trey’s story broke my heart, not only because he is the same age as my child, but also because he was being bullied in a school that was completely unaware of the problem, and wasn’t doing enough to correct it.

I know I posted a little about Jessie’s bullying in the past on here. I can’t tell you how many phone calls Jim and I made to the school office, how many parent/teacher conferences we had, or how many meetings we had with the vice-principal and/or principal. (We even spoke with the parents of one of the kids who bullied her the most and even that proved fruitless.) The fact of the matter was: the school ALWAYS promised to do more, but what little that was done was never enough.

Honestly, Jessie never really started doing better until she was out of that school for good. Like most kids, she’s never the most excited in the mornings about actually going to school and doing classwork and accompanying homework, but she doesn’t beg me NOT to take her anymore. She doesn’t beg to stay out of school or stay home. She comes home in a good mood, instead of crying or sitting sullen in constant hostility to everyone around her. There’s less attitude and general bad behavior at home. You can tell just by being around her that she is a happier child.

Oh, and her grades have finally come back up! Did I tell y’all she made the A-B Honor Roll? She was just a few points shy of having straight A’s!!!!

This child hasn’t done this well since the very beginning of her school years!! The feedback we get from her teachers has been very encouraging and tells us that she is not only doing better at home, but in also at school and in class. She no longer acts up. She’s genuinely interested in her favorite subjects again and now applies herself more. One teacher put on her report card that she’s a “very respectful student.” Another tells us she “puts forth a lot of effort in class.”

Who wouldn’t be proud of that?

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a proud momma, and I’m sure Trey’s momma is no different. This morning I read Trey’s story and thought to myself, “That could very easily be any child — even mine.”

While I am very thankful and know I am truly blessed to see this wonderful transformation in my child, it breaks my heart to see a mother who won’t get the chance to see it in her own. As a personal favor to me, please keep Trey’s loved ones in your prayers.

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

Copyright © Nicki Faulk · All Rights Reserved

This is a real conversation that I had with a real client earlier today:

Customer: I have a problem with my site.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that. Can you give me an example of the problem?

Customer: An example of what?

Me: What’s going on with your site?

Customer: The spacing is off.

Me: OK, can you give me an example of where this is happening?

Customer: On my site.

Me: Is there a specific page you’re seeing this happening on?

Customer: I don’t understand your question.

Me: Is it on one particular page, or all over the site?

Customer: The problem?

Me: Yes.

Customer: I still don’t understand your question.

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

Copyright © Nicki Faulk · All Rights Reserved

Apparently said version tends to change from time to time. I was talking with a friend about how I’d noticed that the school textbooks that Jessie’s had over the past few years were vastly different from those I remembered. In fact, I was helping her study last week for a big social studies exam and thought the textbook seemed a bit “dumbed down” in some topics, and noticed how it entirely skipped others. And then I wondered, were mine vastly different than those of the generation before me?

Looking back, Social Studies was my absolute least favorite subject in school. I couldn’t ever keep up with the details of dates, people, and events; it was sheer straight memorization … and boring as hell. It wasn’t really until I was in my last couple years of high school that history held any kind of fascination with me. I’m lucky, my high school had really great teachers.

I can name several that were my favorites, but one in particular comes to mind today because he not only taught from the textbook, he taught from experience. His name was Joe Parker, and he was a Vietnam veteran. I thought he was the most fascinating man I’d ever met. He didn’t just teach, he told stories. I began to see that people weren’t just names in a textbook anymore. Dates weren’t just numbers to be memorized then completely forgotten. I began to understand why things were done a certain way during certain times.

Mr. Parker often told tales of his time in Vietnam. I loved hearing his stories — I had never seen anything like what he described in any textbook on the subject. Looking back, I don’t think I ever really knew anything about Vietnam. I knew that I had an uncle who had served and died overseas. My father really didn’t like to talk about it. I knew that the war ended not long after I was born, and that when those who served returned home, they were not treated kindly … even looked down upon by people I knew. I never understood until it was explained to me by Mr. Parker. It was he who taught me not to blindly accept what’s given to me in print, but to seek other sources, research, and draw my own conclusions.

I wonder today, how many people are still hanging onto what they’d gathered from misguided sources rather than seeking the truth for themselves?

What brought up this thought and the associated memories was an email I received from Uncle Monster last weekend containing a link to a blog with a most IMPRESSIVE list of statistics and facts about the Vietnam War and its veterans that I have never before seen. And I’d like to share them with y’all …

Interesting Facts about the Make-up of US Troops in the Vietnam War

In case you haven’t been paying attention these past few decades after you returned from Vietnam, the clock has been ticking. The following are some statistics that are at once depressing yet in a larger sense should give you a huge sense of pride.

“Of the 2,709,918 Americans who served in Vietnam, Less than 850,000 are estimated to be alive today, with the youngest American Vietnam veteran’s age approximated to be 54 years old.” How does it feel to be among the last third of all the Vietnam Veterans who served in Vietnam to be alive? I don’t know about you guys, but it kind of gives me the chills.

Considering the kind of information available about the death rate of WWII and Korean War Veterans, publicized information indicates that in the last 14 years Vietnam veterans are dying at the rate of 390 deaths each day. At this rate there will be only a few of us alive in 2015.

These statistics were taken from a variety of sources to include: The VFW Magazine, the Public Information Office, and the HQ CP Forward Observer – 1st Recon April 12, 1997.

STATISTICS FOR INDIVIDUALS IN UNIFORM AND IN COUNTRY VIETNAM VETERANS

1. 9,087,000 military personnel served on active duty during the Vietnam Era (Aug 5, 1964 – May 7, 1975).

2. 8,744,000 GIs were on active duty during the war (Aug 5, 1964 – March 28, 1973).

3. 2,709,918 Americans served in Vietnam, this number represents 9.7% of their generation.

4. 3,403,100 (Including 514,300 offshore) personnel served in the broader Southeast Asia Theater (Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, flight crews based in Thailand and sailors in adjacent South China Sea waters).

5. 2,594,000 personnel served within the borders of South Vietnam (Jan. 1, 1965 – March 28, 1973). Another 50,000 men served in Vietnam between 1960 and 1964.

6. Of the 2.6 million, between 1-1.6 million (40-60%) either fought in combat, provided close support or were at least fairly regularly exposed to enemy attack.

7. 7,484 women (6,250 or 83.5% were nurses) served in Vietnam.

8. Peak troop strength in Vietnam: 543,482 (April 30, 1968).

CASUALTIES

1. The first man to die in Vietnam was James Davis, in 1958. He was with the 509th Radio Research Station. Davis Station in Saigon was named for him.

2. Non-hostile deaths: 10,800

3. Total: 58,202 (Includes men formerly classified as MIA and Mayaguez casualties). Men who have subsequently died of wounds account for the changing total.

4. 8 nurses died – 1 was KIA.

5. 61% of the men killed were 21 or younger.

6. 11,465 of those killed were younger than 20 years old.

7. Of those killed, 17,539 were married.

8. Average age of men killed: 23.1 years

9. Enlisted: 50,274 – 22.37 years

10. Officers: 6,598 – 28.43 years

11. Warrants: 1,276 – 24.73 years

12. E1: 525 – 20.34 years

13. 11B MOS: 18,465 – 22.55 years

14. Five men killed in Vietnam were only 16 years old.

15. The oldest man killed was 62 years old.

16. 2,709,918 Americans served in Vietnam, 58,202 were KIA for a percentage of .0214%.

17. 303,704 were wounded. 153,329 were hospitalized.

18. 150,375 were injured requiring no hospital care.

19. 75,000 were severely disabled. 23,214 were 100% disabled. 5,283 lost limbs. 1,081 sustained multiple amputations.

20. Amputation or crippling wounds to the lower extremities were 300% higher than in WWII and 70% higher than Korea.

21. Multiple amputations occurred at the rate of 18.4% compared to 5.7% in WWII.

22. Missing in Action: 2,338

23. POWs: 766 (114 died in captivity)

24. As of January 15, 2004, there are 1,875 Americans still unaccounted for from the Vietnam War.

DRAFTEES VS VOLUNTEERS

1. 25% (648,500) of total forces in country were draftees.

2. 66% of U.S. armed forces members were drafted during WWII).

3. Draftees accounted for 30.4% (17,725) of combat deaths in Vietnam.

4. Reservists killed: 5,977

5. National Guard: 6,140 served: 101 died.

6. Total draftees (1965 – 73): 1,728,344.

7. Actually served in Vietnam: 38%

8. Marine Corps Draft: 42,633.

9. Last man drafted: June 30, 1973.

RACE AND ETHNIC BACKGROUND

1. 88.4% of the men who actually served in Vietnam were Caucasian; 10.6% (275,000) were black; 1% belonged to other races.

2. 86.3% of the men who died in Vietnam were Caucasian (includes Hispanics); 12.5% (7,241) were black; 1.2% belonged to other races.

3. 170,000 Hispanics served in Vietnam; 3,070 (5.2% of total) died there.

4. 70% of enlisted men killed were of North-west European descent.

5. 86.8% of the men who were killed as a result of hostile action were Caucasian; 12.1% (5,711) were black; 1.1% belonged to other races.

6. 14.6% (1,530) of non-combat deaths were among blacks.

7. 34% of blacks who enlisted volunteered for the combat arms.

8. Overall, blacks suffered 12.5% of the deaths in Vietnam at a time when the percentage of blacks of military age was 13.5% of the total population.

9. Religion of Dead: Protestant – 64.4%; Catholic – 28.9%; other/none – 6.7%

SOCIAL-ECONOMIC STATUS

1. Vietnam veterans have a lower unemployment rate than the same non-vet age groups.

2. Vietnam veterans’ personal income exceeds that of our non-veteran age group by more than 18 percent.

3. 76% of the men sent to Vietnam were from lower middle/working class backgrounds.

4. Three-fourths had family incomes above the poverty level; 50% were from middle income backgrounds.

5. Some 23% of Vietnam vets had fathers with professional, managerial or technical occupations.

6. 79% of the men who served in Vietnam had a high school education or better when they entered the military service. 63% of Korean War vets and only 45% of WWII vets had completed high school upon separation.

7. Deaths by region per 100,000 of population: South – 31%, West -29.9%; Midwest – 28.4%; Northeast – 23.5%.

DRUG USAGE & CRIME

1. There is no difference in drug usage between Vietnam Veterans and non-Vietnam Veterans of the same age group. (Source: Veterans Administration Study)

2. Vietnam Veterans are less likely to be in prison – only one-half of one percent of Vietnam Veterans have been jailed for crimes.

3. 85% of Vietnam Veterans made successful transitions to civilian life.

WINNING & LOSING

1. 82% of veterans who saw heavy combat strongly believe the war was lost because of lack of political will.

2. Nearly 75% of the public agrees it was a failure of political will, not of arms.

HONORABLE SERVICE

1. 97% of Vietnam-era veterans were honorably discharged.

2. 91% of actual Vietnam War veterans and 90% of those who saw heavy combat are proud to have served their country.

3. 74% say they would serve again, even knowing the outcome.

4. 87% of the public now holds Vietnam veterans in high esteem.

INTERESTING

1. 1,713,823 of those who served in Vietnam were still alive as of August, 1995 (census figures).

2. During that same census count, the number of Americans falsely claiming to have served in-country was: 9,492,958.

3. As of the current census taken during August, 2000, the surviving U.S. Vietnam Veteran population estimate is: 1,002,511. This is hard to believe, losing nearly 711,000 between ‘95 and ‘00. That’s 390 per day.

4. During this census count, the number of Americans falsely claiming to have served in-country is: 13,853,027. By this census, FOUR OUT OF FIVE WHO CLAIM TO BE VIETNAM VETS ARE NOT.

5. The Department of Defense Vietnam War Service Index officially provided by The War Library originally reported with errors that 2,709,918 U.S. military personnel as having served in-country.

6. Corrections and confirmations to this erred index resulted in the addition of 358 U.S. military personnel confirmed to have served in Vietnam but not originally listed by the Department of Defense. (All names are currently on file and accessible 24/7/365).

7. Isolated atrocities committed by American Soldiers produced torrents of outrage from anti-war critics and the news media while Communist atrocities were so common that they received hardly any media mention at all.

8. The United States sought to minimize and prevent attacks on civilians while North Vietnam made attacks on civilians a centerpiece of its strategy.

9. Americans who deliberately killed civilians received prison sentences while Communists who did so received commendations.

10. From 1957 to 1973, the National Liberation Front assassinated 36,725 Vietnamese and abducted another 58,499. The death squads focused on leaders at the village level and on anyone who improved the lives of the peasants such as medical personnel, social workers, and school teachers. – Nixon Presidential Papers.

Now, how many of you read the above and see the similarities between Vietnam and Iraq/Afghanistan? The first thing that stuck out in my mind immediately (besides the media coverage) was that I have seen with my own eyes is that heroes are welcomed home today.

Reach out to a soldier or veteran. Say “Thank you” — because you never know, he or she may have never been told that before!

If you are able and want to do more, here’s where you can find out how.

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

Copyright © Nicki Faulk · All Rights Reserved

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee..

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’..”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’..”

The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”

She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts 24″ waist and 34″ hips. When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”

Deer Camp

Mike was attending his hunting club’s monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn’t make the hunting trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn’t let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his buddies Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike’s friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Mike sitting in front of his tent, cocktail in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

“How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?”

“I didn’t have to” was Mike’s reply. “When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a cocktail to drown my sorrows. Then Melissa snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’!

“When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, ‘Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want.’

“So … here I am!”

And last but not least, here’s the latest installment of Simon’s Cat:

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

Copyright © Nicki Faulk · All Rights Reserved

To me, most of these seem pretty common sense and are of course my own opinion, but I am always open to hear the views of other players!

Leaders: Lay down the ground rules before you begin

I’d have to say without a doubt that one of the best groups I’ve been in is one where the group leader laid down the ground rules before beginning the instance. He made clear what the group’s goals were, asked where everyone was on which quests (or who needed what, etc.), and stated what the loot distribution method would be.

You would think everyone would be that clear, but I think many group leaders just “wing it” or make it up as they go, and/or assume that everyone is on the same page. This is not always the case and a good leader should be clear, IMO.

Players: Don’t roll on it if you can’t use it

This isn’t practiced by everyone, but personally I consider it bad manners to roll on an item that you can’t use. If there is someone in your group that can use it, hit Pass. He/She should be the one to roll on it.

That said, if no one in the group can use the item, then I say “greed it” — let the whole group roll because whoever gets it is going to sell it. I’m not opposed to making a profit in-game, but courtesy should come first.

Leaders: Mark your targets

It should go without saying that this should apply where necessary. It should also go without saying that as a leader of a group, you should be clear on the attack strategy and make your plans known, but this isn’t always the case. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve grouped with people for an instance and be yelled at for hitting the wrong mob.

Leaders, if you plan on implementing some means of CC, make sure everyone knows which targets to hit, which to root or sleep (CC), and if needed, the priority of targets.

I’m a Ranger. I have limited CC. Well, actually, I have only one: the Sleep Arrow. Some mobs resist it, but when it works it’s great. The drawback is that it has a cooldown time of 3 minutes. A good leader should take this into account and plan attacks accordingly, whether by waiting until I can CC again, or if another player is able to do so, have them take the next one.

Players: You, too, can res

Most groups, if not all, have a healer. Healers are good, mmmkay? Healers can save your skin if you are caught off-guard by a nasty mob, they can heal you or even res you if said mob BAFs and snuffs you out. I love healers. Buffs and heals rule.

But what if your healer gets zapped?

Here is where I think other classes should take a little extra effort to help them out: stock up on res stones. You can get them from any General Goods Merchant (after you’ve ascended of course). I never go anywhere without them. Granted, you can’t res yourself with one, but if your healer gets wiped out, you can come to his/her rescue with one of those handy things. Plus, if your healer is busy attending to another matter (say, healing your tank who’s keeping the boss turned around away from the rest of the group so everyone isn’t wiped out!), you can lend a hand if another group member has fallen and needs to be brought back to the land of the living.

Leaders: Take frequent mana breaks

This is a personal pet-peeve of mine. Granted, I am not a healer, so I am not as dependent as they are, but many of my self-buffs and “special” skills take a lot of MP. When I run out, I’m reduced to very few attack options.

Leaders, please, keep an eye on your group members’ levels and take breaks where/when convenient. Your heals/DPS people will thank you for it.

You: Have other ideas?

Leave a note in the comments form below and let me know what you think!

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

Copyright © Nicki Faulk · All Rights Reserved

A day at the pharmacy

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide.’

The pharmacist asked ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’

The lady replied, I need it to poison my husband..’

The pharmacist’s eyes got big, and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!’

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.’

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

Copyright © Nicki Faulk · All Rights Reserved

I have such a good man.

To my darling husband, Jim:

Happy Anniversary! I love you!

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

Copyright © Nicki Faulk · All Rights Reserved

Better than a Flu Shot

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!’

And this one came to me from Pam L. Mack and her Irish grandfather:

An Englishman, a Irishman and a Scott walked into a pub. Each ordered one pint of beer. A fly landed in each and every beer.

The Englishman turned green and pushed his beer away asking for another one.

The Scottsman took the fly out, shrugged and drank his beer.

The Irish man pinched the fly between his fingers and yelled, “SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!”

This is courtesy of Not Always Right (thank you, Mara! )

A Smokin’ Deal

(A customer comes to me with a package of brownies with a “Special!” sticker on the top.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “Why are these brownies “special”?”

Me: “They’re the bakery’s special of the week. They’re on sale now through Saturday.”

Customer: “So, there’s nothing different about them?”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean.”

Customer: *winking* “They’re not…’special’ brownies?”

Me: “Oh! No, sorry, they’re just normal brownies.”

Customer: “Never mind, then.” *sets down the container and walks away*

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

Copyright © Nicki Faulk · All Rights Reserved

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.

“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.

“That little shit, O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”

“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”

“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”

*********************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

” So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

” Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

” I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

**********************

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”.

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda.” There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, Brenda… no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

***********************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’ Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, ” So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news . My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

Yes she says, “That he did, Father.”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary? ”

She says, He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .

The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either!”

This is a video I’ve seen circulating on Facebook and luckily Uncle Monster also found it on YouTube:

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

Copyright © Nicki Faulk · All Rights Reserved

I had been ill off and on all last week, but it hit hardest Friday. And by that I mean I got DOWN with the sickness, LOL! Literally knocking me on my butt, and right into bed. I missed most of the Alabama vs Arkansas game, but woke up in time to hear Rammer Jammer being sung by the crowd in T’town. I missed WordCamp Birmingham entirely and am really bummed about that. (can someone let me know where the lecture notes are posted?)

I also missed a Ladies Night Out meeting, but was pretty sure I was going to miss it even before I got sick. I haven’t been to a meeting in a while and have been dying to join one of the karaoke outings.

Well, after 3 full days of sleep I am feeling much MUCH better! Of course I’ve spent half the morning clearing out emails and voicemails and will probably be doing so for most of the rest of the day today, LOL!

I took some time this morning to submit a new fanlisting that I’ve started:

I’ll be sure to post when it’s approved and “gone live.”

This is a post from Nicki Faulk’s Birthplace of the Process of Illogical Logic

Copyright © Nicki Faulk · All Rights Reserved