I even start to plan for things that might happen. Maybe a health crisis will strike. Maybe my marriage will get shaky. Maybe my kids will get hurt. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Then, I seek for reassurance and peace in places other than God.

People. Books. Essential oils. Naps.

Really, I am internally just grasping for some solid ground to stand on until my anxiety dissipates enough to see things clearer. Until I can remember that God has us in his righteous right hand, and nothing is too big or scary for him.

Believing that God has good things for me, and loves me, is tough to do when I am freaking out about things. He suddenly seems far away and uninvolved. Invisible.

And that is when fear sets in.

Some say fear is “False Evidence Appearing Real.” 

Some say it is a lack of faith.

Some say it is a result of trauma.

Some say it is a gift, because sometimes there actually IS a wolf chasing you.

I just say it sucks. And I want to get it out of my life.

God told us not to fear, so he must know that we can see victory in this area.

When I read Psalms, I see that fear is no modern problem. And David spoke a lot about his fears, both imagined and real. He knew what it was to fear, and he knew what it was to trust.

In a message TIm Keller preached about anxiety, he used this quote by a man named Ernest Becker, who said, “I think that taking life seriously means something such as this: that whatever man does on this planet has to be done in the lived truth of the terror of creation, of the grotesque, of the rumble of panic underneath everything. Otherwise, it is false.”

I so relate to that, “A rumble of panic underneath everything.” Sometimes I have days where I feel that rumble of panic beneath the surface. Nobody would know it, but it is there.

Tim Keller goes on to say that most books about anxiety tell us to just “visualize a good outcome.” But, he points out that King David did not do that. He prayed all of his worst fears before God. He went there. He imagined the worst possible situations and cried out to God for help. Even in the imagined fears. But David always knew how to bring it back around, didn’t he? He flipped out, but somehow, he ended up trusting in his God for safety.

And his solution was this: to gaze on God’s beauty.

This is the thing. I most fear in areas that I have allowed to become unbalanced. In areas I have placed over God. Marriage, health, security.

When we follow the true root of our anxiety, we will usually find what we worship. What we idolize. I panic over dying, because to leave my family is my worst fear. It is hard to admit, but my family is my ONE thing, and I have got to find a way to make God my ONE thing.

Good things cannot replace God. Or we will be tormented.

St. Augustine said, “Here’s where anxiety comes from. All of us have good things in our lives, and we love them, and we desire them. Good things! Parents and children are good things. A career is a good thing. Romance is a good thing. Sex is a good thing. All sorts of things are good things. We have lots of good things in our lives.”

He also said, “Anxiety is always a sign of the collapse of a false god.”

In order to really know someone you have to be with them. A lot. In order to make God our highest and only “thing” we have to spend time gazing on him, and viewing all of life through the lens of our love for him.

We have to get to the point of “Even if all of my worst fears take place, even if my mother, father, spouse forsake me, God is my all.”

In a way, I am grateful I have an answer.

I’m thankful to know that if I follow my fear to the worst place, I see what enslaves me. I see why I am so terrified.

May I start today and ask God to help me, teach me, and show me his beauty. I don’t want to put everything else in front of him. I want him to be the beautiful thing that fills my mind at all times. And then I know I will be freer from fear.

“I seek to know Him, and I gaze on God’s beauty. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” —Psalm 27:1

After all, who else do we have on earth and in heaven, but him?

The post Chicken Little Is My Spirit Animal appeared first on Nitty Gritty Love.

I know you might be trying really hard to show love to your wife. I also know that it may not be translating to her in the way you are hoping.

Maybe she’s still telling you that she needs you to focus on her more, or spend more quality time with her and the family. Marriage requires a whole lot of self sacrifice, and it is sometimes downright exhausting. The thing is, wives know when you are simply checking a box. 

After you do your part, you want to say, “Leave me alone, I put in my time.” But that is a little bit selfish and a lot foolish for overall happiness. She can tell that even though you are present, you aren’t really with her. God gave women the incredible gift of emotional intelligence, and they have this gut instinct that is sometimes freakishly accurate. This can be a helpful way to gauge how things are going in a marriage.

I have heard countless stories of women dragging their husbands into counseling only for the husband to say, “What? We are fine!” And then he hears how deeply unhappy his wife is.

If you usually see things in a positive light, her anger might confuse you. But maybe, just maybe, your optimism is just thinly masked denial. Apathy. A good dose of reality can shake things up and spark positive change. Giving the bare minimum might feel easier, but you will reap some pretty small fruit.

I know this isn’t just a problem for husbands, but I can only speak about how a wife may feel, so that you might be able to glean some inside perspective. The question is, why do we end up feeling such apathy about our marriages? It is a human condition to become accustomed to the good gifts God gives us, and we tend to take things for granted. Not only that, people are messy and they get annoying and difficult to live with.

But if your wife irritates you, can you imagine how you might make her feel? And yet she wakes up, and does life with you another day. Mothers your children, cares for your needs, cleans your messes. You are not perfect, my friend, so keep that in mind when you are silently griping about her shortcomings. I say this because I am seeing a record number of women going off the deep end.

She may not beg for your attention forever. She might give up. Or move on. Or both. She might stay in the marriage but emotionally check out.

When you’re single, there is always hope that someday you will find love and companionship. Most people long for a relationship that is vibrant and fulfilling. But when you are married, and feel alone and abandoned, you are kind of stuck. This is a scary feeling for wives, because women have a huge capacity to love and be loved, and if they are constantly being shut out, they wither.

Are you supposed to be her all in all? No. But you are supposed to look her in the eye when she talks and really listen. Put down the phone. You are called to show her care and kindness. You are supposed to hang onto that same wonder you had when she agreed to marry you. That wonder that made you woo her and love her and show affection and care.

Don’t complain about her. Marriage is a reflection of how God loves the church, and so what I am saying is this: you need to attend to her heart and give her yours. Jesus loves us when we are unlovable, and may we learn to do the same. There will be seasons that make this more difficult. Days when we just feel empty and mad. Days whenwe want to just give up. But in this kind of suffering and loving in the dry, cold places, we grow. Can we love perfectly? No, but we can rest knowing Jesus fills in all of the cracks and crevices of our broken attempts. He is good and faithful, so don’t lose heart.

I encourage you to look at your wife, and understand that she is a unique image bearer, deserving of love. She might be so tired that she lays her head down on her pillow at night in silent tears because she never dreamt of having a cold and detached marriage.

We all want to be seen. So see her and protect what you have.

Once my dad told me he finally figured out what women need. After decades and decades of failing, he realized that is was pretty simple: women don’t even need very much, because they are pretty tough, tougher than most men. They just need to know they are loved and appreciated. They just need a little help and devotion. Do this, and they will love you back pretty fiercely. I love that. It really isn’t that hard.

If you’d like to talk with my dad, I am sure he would be happy to do that. He lost his wife, and is keenly aware of the empty place she left in his life. He hasn’t recovered, and it has been years. He shakes his head when he sees husbands ignoring their wives and taking for granted what they still have. He calls them boneheads, to be exact. Don’t be a bonehead.

Always remember to love like Jesus,

Michelle

The post A Letter to Husbands: Don’t Be a Bonehead appeared first on Nitty Gritty Love.

Signs everywhere that say, “you aren’t enough,” “you don’t do enough,” “you try too hard,” “they don’t like you.”

It’s so, so, so hard to stay content amidst a world full of things we want and yet think we need.

But the scary truth is that we could have every single thing we wish for today, and probably still be discontent about something tomorrow.

We could tell ourselves that we’re going to be grateful, but we’d still feel ungratefulness creep into our hearts. We could say it’s because of social media, and cut it out of our lives, but we probably still wouldn’t feel completely content.

Because it’s not solely a technological issue, it’s a heart issue. And our hearts were not made to be contented by this world.

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ” —Philippians 3:8

I could give you a list of “5 ways to find contentment,” but really it boils down to this:

When you feel discontentment creeping in, constantly reign yourself in and remind yourself that your relationship with Jesus is the only place you’ll ever find true contentment. 

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” —Philippians 4:7

Because I think that’s what it came down to when I was lying in a sterile MRI machine in a hospital gown.

I realized that I desperately need these reminders to be grateful—and I thought you might too.

Everything was stripped down and I was forced to ponder on the immense blessings God has given to me, his deep love for me, and the fact that when it comes down to it, I don’t need anything else.

And believe me when I say you. don’t. either.

Because in him, you are enough, you do enough, you have enough, and you’re loved enough.

And that’s just about all that matters.

The post Thoughts from an MRI Machine: On Finding Contentment appeared first on Nitty Gritty Love.

Last year we added three kids to our family in five months. In March, we adopted our nine-year-old son from China, and then our two teen nieces came to live with us in June and September.

Let me tell you, I totally underestimated how difficult an older child adoption would be. We adopted our daughter from China at the age of one, and it was seamless. Instant attachment. This time, I felt like a tidal wave of fear hit me.

This little boy had a whole history, people he loved that he had to leave behind, and spoke a different language than me. His grief was so deep, and I felt myself backpedaling away from him after they left him with us that first day. Scott found me in the closet crying one day in Nanjing. He said, “But, didn’t you wait for this and want him?” I did. That was why I was so confused over how distant I felt from him.

The next few months were hard. I was frightened that we had taken on too much. I had to go through the motions of loving this child, as I waited for feelings of attachment to form. Language is so crucial, I’ve learned. It’s hard to know someone you can’t even talk to.

If love ever felt “nitty gritty,” to me, it was after this adoption. I kept reminding myself of how afraid he must feel. How uncertain of our love. How scary to be uprooted from the only family you have ever known, only to be given over to people who look, smell, and sound nothing like you.

While trying to connect, I had to get my nieces settled into our home. He must have felt lost in the shuffle. But he is a little trooper, and we have made good progress. I know he is here for a reason and it was God’s plan for us.

Do you know where this left our marriage? The proverbial back burner.

Sometimes I would just sit on our bed, knees up to my chest, and stare out the window, wondering what in the world just happened to us. We had five teens and two nine year olds in the house. And I homeschool. If we had marriage issues, it didn’t really matter because we were simply in survival mode and I had no room to even freak out. My restless, worried heart tried to drag me down almost daily.

I would pray each night, “Please God, don’t let me keel over because I have a lot of kids counting on me. And I don’t want Scott to marry someone he likes better than me. Amen.”

Life was a total blur. When people would see me, they would comment on how TIRED I looked. That’s code for, “You look really awful.”

But I was just thankful if I had managed to get clean underwear folded and in my drawer. Beachy waves, and mascara weren’t really on my radar, but I will admit that I had no idea who the woman was looking back at me in the mirror. I was a mess! People would ask how they could help, but I didn’t even know what to say. “Hire me a nanny? Come teach my child who doesn’t speak English how to read?”

One day I went to Scott and informed him our marriage was a wreck and we didn’t even know each other. He just laughed and said,”Babe. We have 9 kids.” He didn’t look too concerned. I said, “But we are drifting apart.” He said, “Just for now. It won’t stay this way.”

I guess he was right. Maybe total chaos was good in a way. It overshadowed our problems and the only thing we could focus on was getting food on the table, making sure nobody talked back, and getting the kids to their activities.

I tried to look at Scott across the room and think, “He is my comrade. We are in this boat together, and we are rowing as hard as we can to get to the other side with all of these kids safely on shore. One day we will have time to lounge around in coffee shops and catch a movie or dinner.”

I often think of something my friend, Jean, said to me years ago when I asked her if she ever got stressed or afraid of all of the “what ifs” that can hit in a large family. She said she tries to be “too busy during the day and too tired at night to care.” I am not glorifying total burn out, and I think self care has its place, but keeping our hands busy can keep our minds from worrying sometimes.

How does this apply to you? Maybe this is just a reminder that a shift in perspective can help you get through a tough season.

View your spouse as your partner on this journey. Shoulder to shoulder is almost as good as eye to eye. It feels good to work towards a common goal. We don’t always need romantic, sparkling photos to prove we are in love. Satisfaction in teamwork is sometimes enough. Yes, check in with each other to make sure you are both on the same page, but know that raising kids in the chaos is sacred and beautiful and valuable.

One last thought—make sure to rest in Jesus each day. I never really knew how to do this, but lately this is how it looks for me.

I make some hot tea, listen to worship music, and read my Bible. I do this for about fifteen minutes and during this time I ask God to help me not panic. My current favorite album is Poets & Saints by All Sons & Daughters, and the book I am reading is called, “Strength For The Weary,” by Derek W.H. Thomas.

I sit down and tell him honestly how I feel and ask him to protect me. He knows my needs and he knows I am frail and in need of peace.

* * *

Want to leave a comment? Head over to our Facebook page!

The post A Rough Season Doesn’t Equal a Bad Marriage appeared first on Nitty Gritty Love.

All good things. But I can’t help but have a bit of an anxious feeling in my stomach whenever I see lists like this.

We need to make our resolutions, choose our “word the year,” buy our gym memberships, our Whole 30 cookbooks, our planners, our journals with promises to ourselves that we’ll spend more time in God’s word.

It’s like we look at this year as a flop, see ourselves as failures, and say “NEXT YEAR. That’ll be it. The year I fix everything.”

You know what? The jokes that everyone makes about resolutions are true. Because I know I won’t follow through on everything. I know I’ll still be overwhelmed, tired—maybe even a little bit lazy—at the end of the day.

And you know what else? I don’t want to scrap 2018 and start over.

2018 was the year our amazing second son joined our family. The year I was stripped down to my core by exhaustion and postpartum anxiety, and I learned my real strength in Christ through caring for two young children.

My husband and I learned that even though kids take away a lot of the time we used to have together, even though we have fights and arguments and bad days, we’re a pretty good team. And that we will always be a team.

I was forced to give up some of (key word: SOME) my anxiety. I’m slowly learning to give it to the Lord, and also because I just don’t have the energy to be so stressed out all the time anymore. When I take time to think about it, I’m so grateful for everything the Lord has given us.

Yes, I still take things for granted. I snap at my kids. I forget how much I longed to be a wife and mom. I don’t thank Jesus near enough for these blessings. But after a back-to-back brain tumor and a miscarriage, I’m just thankful. And I want to focus and dwell on the blessings of 2018, rather than the shortcomings I need to fix in 2019.

I want to really take some time with my family to reflect on 2018 and thank God together for all of his blessings to us. I’d rather my children go into each year with a heart of gratitude than a heart of drive and competition. And I really believe that starts with me.

So if you’re feeling stressed about the lists, resolutions, and goals…maybe take a different spin on your list this year.

Maybe it looks more like gratefulness and rest than flaws and stress.

Maybe we should just thank the Lord for all the blessings of 2018, and trust him with whatever 2019 might bring. I’d like to think when I focus on gratefulness, the fruit of that will be so many good things in the coming year. Better than anything I could come up with to put on a list. Because anything good I do is Christ’s faithfulness in me—it’s not because I made up a bunch of resolutions and checked some boxes.

So maybe my word for 2019 is just going to be “thankful.” Because that sounds a lot more restful. And I already know the Lord will bring a whole host of things to be thankful for. He always does.

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs,with thankfulness in your hearts to God.” —Colossians 3:16

* * *

Want to leave a comment? Head over to our Facebook page!

The post I’m Too Tired for New Year’s Resolutions appeared first on Nitty Gritty Love.

First of all, I am amazed that I am old enough to be writing this letter. When you were young, and sitting in the grocery cart while we shopped, people would stop me and comment on how cute you were and I would smile and thank them. They would often look at me and say, “Don’t blink. It goes fast.”

I felt sorry for them because they were not standing with their with a child, and they had a look of longing in their eyes that I could not relate to but recognized it, as a fellow parent. I never really believed them, because I knew I had your whole childhood still stretched out before me. I had time. But, the days are long, and the years are short, and you grew very fast. They were right.

On your wedding day, I felt so torn. You found a wonderful man, and you were beaming. You walked down the aisle, you danced with your dad, you left smiling radiantly with sparklers shining around you. Just before you passed by me, I had to resist the urge to reach out and hold your arm for one last hug before you climbed into the car with your new husband. I didn’t.

I knew I couldn’t stop you from beginning your own journey. I let you go, and I thought of the people who told me not to blink. And you drove away.

What I didn’t realize, is that you’d still be in my life, but in a different way. We are friends now. Peers. I have loved this chapter as much as the previous ones. And you have your own little boys who have brought immeasurable joy into our lives.

You are wonderful wife and an amazing Mama. I just want to pass along some thoughts I have, and a few things I have learned over the years. Take what seems helpful, and leave the rest of my advice, for maybe another season.

1. Take the trips. You and your husband need time together. Too often, I refused to leave the kids and just go. I finally started to go away here and there, and found that you all survived, and I returned feeling refreshed and had new perspective. It made me a better mom to take time to myself, and for my marriage.
2. Look at the big picture. Seriously, the small details aren’t worth getting upset over. Just keep your overall goal in mind and let the small annoyances in life slip past you. Life has enough big challenges, so the little ones don’t deserve too much attention.
3. Take photos. I mean to include yourself in these photos. Ask others to take pictures for you, so you can be in them.
4. Don’t be a martyr. It is amazing how time can give so much perspective. As a young mom, I rarely put myself first. I held onto this as a badge of honor. It is good to serve others, and to be loving, but there is a limit. You must protect yourself in order to be able to give to others without burning out. Self care is important. That looks different for everyone, but make it a priority.
5. Sit still. We run around too much in this culture. Take time to just rest and reflect. One thing I accidently did right, was sitting down and talking with my kids. If you listen, they will talk to you. If you are too busy for them, it is hard to really know them. Or anyone. Be interested in their thoughts and their world. But to do that, you have to slow down and be available.
6. Don’t compare. If I had one superpower, I would make social media disappear. It causes so much grief. Instagram makes people feel like failures, and that is the last thing I want for you. You are beautiful and unique. Nobody is just like you. Rest in the fact that God created you to be you, and don’t strive to compete with the perfect meals, homes, and bodies that others show off. You are enough. Just do you, my dear.
7. Adventure. After having adequate rest, take your kids out to explore this amazing world. We forget that we live a true fairytale. We take it for granted. The rain that falls, the flowers that bloom, the rocks to climb. You will love seeing it all through your children’s eyes. So go explore together. Kids are the best buddies to have for this sort of thing. Everything is amazing and wondrous to them, and their enthusiasm is contagious.
8. Seek community. This is tricky at times. It can be difficult making and keeping friends as an adult. We still struggle with insecurities and business. But take time to cultivate at least one or two friendships, and always be on the lookout for those who may need a friend. To have a friend, you must be a friend. God didn’t design us to walk this earthly journey alone.
9. Walk closely with God. He is there for you and won’t ever leave you. A relationship with God is what will anchor you in this crazy, fast-paced world. Talk to him, read His word. Attend church. Sing. Take communion. Hear messages that remind you of your place in His story. Your life brings God glory. Your marriage reflects Christ’s love and commitment to the church. It isn’t always easy, and you will fail and feel frustrated, and maybe even mad at God sometimes, but He can handle that too. He is good, and has good intentions towards you. I will keep praying for you like I have since you before you were even born.
10. Don’t blink. I know you might not believe me, but time is going to pass much too quickly, and when the chapter is closed, all you have are the memories, and the fruit of your labor. Cherish it all.

With love,
Mom

* * *

Want to leave a comment? Head over to our Facebook page!

The post A Letter to My Married Daughter appeared first on Nitty Gritty Love.

But pouring from an empty cup is pointless and impossible.

And doing this will make you jump when you look in the mirror and see a really tired woman looking back at you. A woman who is asking you to take a little time for yourself. A woman who looks like she needs a nine year nap.

I didn’t think I had time for myself, but it doesn’t take much. There are seasons that make this seem easier than others, but I am here to remind you that you matter. And kids like to see their mothers smile.

I recently had a emotional meltdown in front of some of my kids. I told them I needed them to help me out more. I accused them of happily draining the life out of me. I told them if I collapsed, they would probably just step over my lifeless body and keep going.

One child stopped doing dishes and said, “Wow, that is dark.” I had to chuckle inside. That WAS dark! But I realized it wasn’t really them. I had just failed to cushion my time with enough rest. To be fair, we have seven kids at home, but I wasn’t leaving any space for reflection or quiet. I was letting worries overtake me.

We have added three kids to our home in five months, including an international adoption. And let me tell you, if you have ever tried to parent a child that speaks a different language than you, well, you are missing out—on a lot of frustration. But as my Mom always says: you train people how to treat you. What you put up with, you get.  And I guess I need to show the kids that Mama needs some downtime. It is my gift to them, so when they grow up I will send considerate people out into the world.

You are welcome, children. Now leave me alone and shut my door.

We all have stressors that take their toll on us. Jobs, kids, marriages, family dynamics. Our fast paced culture is not easy to keep up with. As far as self care goes, I feel that a good rule of thumb is take short amounts of time. But take them often. This looks different for all of us, but here are some ideas:

• A twenty minute walk.
• A cup of tea with a valium in it. (kidding)
• A hot shower.
• Prayer.
• A drive while listening to your favorite movie.
• A foot rub.
• A phone call to a friend.
• A good book.
• A manicure by your eight year old. (You get what you pay for.)
• A meal out with a friend.
• A music lesson.

Just stop to breathe and allow yourself some slack. Friend, you are not everything to everyone, so don’t try to be.

* * *

Want to leave a comment? Head over to our Facebook page!

The post It’s Not Your Kids, It’s You: Why Self Care Is So Important appeared first on Nitty Gritty Love.

The thing we most need to do, but what so many of us struggle with. I have a few people in my life who are prayer warriors, plain and simple. I call them when I need prayer because I know they will truly pray. Lately, I find myself wanting this in my own life, but my mind wanders, my lack of attention sets in, or I am at loss for words.

I know I can be honest with God, but most of the time I end up telling Him what I think He wants to hear, as if that is the way I’d want my children to talk with me. Add prayers over my marriage into it, and I really feel lost because mostly I just complain to Him. Real nice.

Paul Tripp speaks about the importance of marital prayer in his book, What did you Expect?, and his advice rings true. 

He said,

In our marriage, prayer pushes us in all the right directions. It reminds us of the kinds of things we have said are so important to a marriage of unity, understanding, and love. Daily prayer reinforces all of the commitments we are tempted to forsake but that are vital to maintain. Prayer opens the eyes of our heart. Prayer is a necessary ingredient of a healthy marriage.

I need the eyes of my heart opened each day! I can’t stay focused without negative thoughts bombarding me, and redirecting my prayers to the point where I start making grocery lists or even worse, pointing out others flaws instead asking forgiveness for my own. I know, I am so pathetic.

I’m sure God isn’t shocked to see me freaking out and wringing my hands. King David did it, maybe you do it, so at least I am in good company.

But I want some of my prayers to reflect what I do know to be true about my Father in heaven.  Even David usually ended his prayers proclaiming God’s goodness and mercy. At times, my ears and my soul need to hear something other than my own fearful thoughts.

As I murmured the Lord’s Prayer, I  felt more anchored. Steady. Jesus told us to pray these words, so this must be a good springboard. This prayer reminds us of who we are, who God is, and how we fit into His kingdom.

Our Father in heaven…

We are not alone. We tend to forget we are not left to our own devices and resources. We are not to depend on our own strength, wisdom, and righteousness.

Prayer reminds us that God is in every situation, and every detail. He is our God, and He is our Father so He is faithfully committed to providing for us. So that means when you are in the middle of the most disappointing and frightening moments of your life, you are not isolated. You are not without hope. You have a Father in heaven who is with you in your struggle. He will not let you go, and knowing this can make all of the difference when we feel lost.

Hallowed it be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

God has a larger purpose for marriage than what we can see or know. We can easily focus on our own version of how our marriage should look, with us as the miniature rulers. But when we pray these words, we are acknowledging that He is in control of us, and we are not in control of each other. It is offering our own will in exchange for God’s will.

Real unity happens when we put away our own agendas and pursue God’s plan together. It reminds who is King and which kingdom is best. Serving God together in a marriage, rather than ourselves, is the best way to be knit together in unity and love.

Give us this day, our daily bread.

We are needy. We are dependent upon God for the basic necessities in life. From the bread we eat to the character traits we display. We Need God. We don’t have the ability to turn ourselves into loving, gentle, faithful, kind, forgiving people. This only happens as his Spirit transforms us and changes us, sometimes very slowly.

Prayer humbles us, and rescues us from ourselves and reminds us that we can never be who we need to be without God’s intervention and restoration. I forget this far too often. I try to figure out all of the answers to my problems, and the wonder why life feels so scary and difficult. Instead of leaning on my own understanding, I need God to help me and lead me and protect me.

Forgive our debts as we have also forgiven our debtors, and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

This reminds me that my sinful heart is working against me, tempting me from the inside.

Prayer causes us to look within, to stop blaming others, and to accept responsibility for our behavior and to receive forgiveness and help. Prayer reminds us that our biggest problem is our own self. But our Savior is there to forgive and redeem. It really is a daily battle, but we can’t give in. We have to keep going to the Cross over and over. Repenting and forgiving one another.

For yours is the Kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

The center of the universe is not you. Or me. It is God. Our hope in marriage is not in the miniature kingdoms we establish, complete with dinner menus, and family photo shoots each November, in God, and His kingdom. 

The Lord’s Prayer helps me go to the Throne of God and find peace, hope, and assurance of who I am in Christ. It reminds me of how much He loves me. And it lends perspective to the big picture, the amazing story I am a part of. I still worry and complain, don’t get me wrong, but I feel certain I am being changed, and that even in the trenches, and the fearful times, I am His. Amen.

The post The Lord’s Prayer for Marriage appeared first on Nitty Gritty Love.

In fact, it is so difficult at times, I start to question God’s wisdom in all of this.

I mean, come on. Here we are, running around on this earth, trying our best not to get devastated by some awful thing. You may say you don’t fear, and I say if that is you, you may be in denial.

People are afraid.

And they want to know what they are supposed to do with all of the stress and turmoil. They want to know how they can possibly find any hope as they look around at the loneliness and despair. They try to find solace in their marriage, or children or hobbies, but mostly, they distract themselves from the thought that at any moment the rug could get ripped out from under them. At any moment their world can turn upside down and their lives can shatter into a million pieces at the blink of an eye.

I struggle.

I have friends who are struggling. Huge, devastating things are looming. And there seems to be no end in sight.

It makes me angry. Don’t tell me to think positive or give me answers that are only meant to smooth over my fears. False hope. Because none of it makes sense.

WHY? WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD? And then I cry bitter tears because I hear no answer. And nothing changes for the better. And all I hear is silence—and I save the sobs caught in my throat.

The other day, my adult son told me he felt afraid. 

The air was instantly sucked out of me. I felt so sad. I wanted to minimize his feelings because the thought of my child, the child I brought into this world, facing their future with trepidation, made me want to weep. This is the child, who for the most part has had more happy days than sad, and who’s smile lights up a room. And now he is fearful and without find peace?

I asked myself, “What did I do, bringing my son into this dark place?” 

Then I thought of God. My God. The One who is a Father, and and who loves purer and deeper and truer than me. In fact, He is the definition of love. And I wondered how He was able to bring His Son to this wretched place?

And then I told myself the things I know.

I don’t worship some far away God who is far removed from my pain. I don’t worship a concept, an ideology, or a human leader.

I try not to worship anything more than Him, and that includes my children, my marriage or myself. I worship a God who is near. He didn’t just drop me on this planet to suffer and struggle and walk away. He didn’t put me here to be “good” or “amazing” or “well behaved.” He planned me, and He had my rescue in mind before I was even born. Before I ever messed up and made a disaster of my life. He made a way.

I am His daughter, and He cares about my pain.

He listens when I cry in the shower while I tell Him I don’t understand tragedy, cancer, and divorce.  I don’t know why things have to feel so random and cruel. I hate death. It is a breaking of love. I don’t want my family taken from me. It isn’t the “circle of life.” It sucks and I hate it. It feels terrible.

But He knows cruel.

He knows tragedy.

He hears me and intercedes for me.

And He hates death so much, He killed it.

He defeated that nasty beast so we don’t have to be afraid of it.

God the Father, saw this dark world and send His Son straight into it. He knew what His child would go through, and He sent His precious child anyway. That child was born in a lowly, unsafe place, to parents who had little to offer by the world’s standards. He grew into a man, and he watched his friends, and his family suffer. He wrapped his arms around humanity in their worst moments. The sick, the lonely, the rejected. He looked into their eyes and He spoke kindness and truth.

I tend to forget He had a mother.

And what excruciating pain took place the day He left her? She must have looked so frightened as she clung to her boy…but He endured it for us, and if anyone can understand our pain, He can. So when I grieve when I see my children hurt, I know He also walked that road. There is really nothing I experience that He can’t understand.

If He hadn’t suffered so greatly, I would be too angry to even cope.

I might just freak out and give up. But I have never walked the painful road He walked, and I never will. So we can keep going towards the joy set before us. Yes, there is still silence, and unanswered prayers. And many things make no sense to me. But I can’t help but rest knowing He is right here with us.

He didn’t stay far away. He gave us Himself so we could touch him, feast with Him, be held by Him, and we will one day rejoice with Him on the other side of this dark world.

The post Life Is Hard, What Else Is New? appeared first on Nitty Gritty Love.

Pregnancy and motherhood have kicked my butt.

Scares and ultrasounds through the first trimester. Monitoring our son in Seattle every few weeks during my second trimester, all to be told he looked perfect at 29 weeks. Then being in the hospital twice for preterm labor. Lots of sleepless nights trying to time contractions and decide if I needed to go in.

On top of it all, a very real anxiety disorder and PTSD from my brain tumor and missed miscarriage. Constantly fearing bad news. Afraid of having it all ripped away from me again. Panic attacks for the span of every ultrasound.

Then, an eventful 24-hour labor that left me afraid to ever do this again.

And now, holding my sweet baby boy, whom I love so much it hurts. Being afraid to go to sleep at night because I want to watch him and make sure he’s OK. Having to make decisions about his care. Everyone having differing opinions about what’s right and wrong.

Before I became a mom, when I was terrified of not ever being able to conceive–and of course after my miscarriage–I didn’t get it. I’d hear about moms struggling and think “wow, she should just be thankful she’s pregnant/has kids.”

But now I’m realizing more and more that just because something’s a huge blessing doesn’t mean it’s easy.

As I’ve struggled I’ve often had friends and family members tell me I just needed to be more thankful, or count my blessings, or realize how blessed I am. But that’s just the reason us anxious people often struggle. Because I am so in shock that I actually get to be a mom, that I’m terrified. I’m not ungrateful one bit, and this blessing is far from lost on me.

I spent my whole pregnancy convinced I was going to lose him, so of course when he was born I had a hard time connecting and understanding that he was really here, healthy and all.

And I shouldn’t have had to be ashamed to admit I was struggling. I didn’t need to hear things like “you know all that stress affects the baby”, “you’re just making this harder on yourself”, or “it could be worse.”

Because for many women pregnancy is hard, uncomfortable, scary, tiring, and feels unending at times.

Then you’ve got taking care of a newborn, which is no joke. Those first few weeks were amazing and also very emotional. Having him outside of me all of the sudden was terrifying. I was a sleep-deprived, hormonal, anxiety-ridden, sore postpartum mess.

And I felt like I had to hide it.

All I’d ever heard about was that instant love connection, of not caring how difficult it is because of how much you love them. Not being so exhausted by the time you push your baby out that you can barely keep your eyes open enough to see them. Not feeling terrified to take them home because you have no freaking idea how to take care of a real-life human baby who depends on you for everything–even if you are the eldest of 5 kids.

…or still feeling like you’re flying by the seat of your pants nearly six months later.

While the burst-out-of-your-chest love is so real and true, I had no idea how hard it would be. I didn’t hear about the wanting to run away for a few hours. Or freaking out through nighttime feedings because your baby won’t latch, you’re exhausted, you’re terrified he isn’t getting enough to eat, and to top it all off you feel like someone took sandpaper to your boobs. Or the mastitis. Oh the mastitis.

I didn’t know how terrified I’d be of seemingly simple decisions like where he would sleep. Because no matter what you choose, someone says it’s unsafe, or evil, or damaging.

I wanted this for years. Growing up my biggest dream was to be a mama. My biggest fear during my brain tumor struggles was that I wouldn’t ever be a mom. I had completely idolized motherhood, and now, by the grace of God, I’m actually getting to experience it.

But that doesn’t make it easy.

We can be immensely grateful and thoroughly overwhelmed at the same time.

We can love our babies to the moon and back, and still struggle to get through each day.

We can thank God morning and night for these amazing blessings, and ask him for the strength to take care of them.

Because most things in life aren’t just rainbows and sunshine. I’m not sure how it’s possible that the past year has been my best and my most challenging.

But I know that for God to grow and shape me, I have to have growing pains. And that while I always think the next thing, in this case, motherhood, will cure my anxiety and make me feel completely fulfilled, none of it can. This life is both beautiful and hard, and our ultimate hope is in Christ.

Pregnancy was terrifying. Motherhood is HARD. Oh is it. And I’m not even six months in. But even in the still of the night, when I feel frustrated because my son has woken up for what feels like the 100th time, I can’t help but feel immensely grateful despite the struggle.

I think back to when I wanted him so badly it hurt. So badly I cried on the bathroom floor and begged God to give us our little Leo.

And I remember that I’m so blessed to be his mama that it brings me to tears. Because I never thought I’d be a mama at all.

Motherhood is freaking hard. And I have days where I seriously wonder what I got myself into. But that’s just what I’m learning—that some of life’s most amazing blessings also bring our greatest struggles.

And I’m not afraid to admit it anymore.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” —Romans 5:13

The post I Idolized Motherhood—Until I Experienced It appeared first on Nitty Gritty Love.