Can I be honest with you guys?
We have been hosting a teen night Bible Study this term… we only meet the last 3 Saturdays of the month – but the Friday before or the Saturday of, I’m usually worn out and not “in the mood” to host anything… let alone a Bible study. Yet, the lessons I am learning make it worth it.

We have been going through the book of Mark – and there is one passage that we looked at a couple months ago that I just can’t shake.

You are probably familiar with it… It’s found in Mark chapter 2. It’s the story of the paralytic. The story of the man who couldn’t get to Jesus… we don’t know much about this guy – it’s his friends who bring him. It’s his friends who climb on the roof and lower him down. It’s his friends who brought him before Jesus to be healed. And Jesus does heal him! It’s a wonderful story.

But, this time as we read it, something grossly honest struck my heart.

Mark 2

When He [Jesus] had come back to Capernaum
several days afterward, it was heard that He was
at home. 2 And many were gathered together,
so that there was no longer room, not even
near the door; and He was speaking the word
to them. 3 And they came, bringing to Him a
paralytic, carried by four men. 4 Being unable
to get to Him because of the crowd, they
removed the roof above Him; and when they
had dug an opening, they let down the pallet
on which the paralytic was lying. 5 And Jesus
seeing their faith said to the paralytic, “Son,
your sins are forgiven.”

Okay.
Let’s just stop right there.

If I put myself in the shoes of the paralytic, I would have been quite humbled to have four other people carrying me to Jesus. I would have had to have been desperate for healing… and would have had to really believe that Jesus was the one to heal me. I’m not saying the paralytic felt this way… we don’t know exactly how he felt; however, we do know that it wasn’t easy for him to get to Jesus.

So, these four guys can’t get him in to Jesus because of the crowd… so they do the logical thing, right? They dig an opening in the roof and lower him down.

All this…
And Jesus turns to them – and seeing their faith says to the paralytic, “Your sins are forgiven.”

I don’t know about you… but, if I’m super honest, I would have been very disappointed. If I was the one who came to Jesus for healing, I would have been thinking…

“Wait a minute! I came all this way… I have completely humbled myself and have been lowered down in front of you because I KNOW you can heal me… and, instead, you are telling me my sins are forgiven? WHAT?!”

Now, we know the rest of the story… and Jesus does, indeed, heal the paralytic so that he walks out carrying his pallet. But, at this point in the story, he didn’t know if Jesus would heal him physically…

I was hit with the reality that I don’t understand the depth of my need for salvation.

I don’t understand that, even though I long for physical healing… what I really need is spiritual healing – healing of my soul. It is eternal and it is a much greater need.

It is why Jesus came.

Sure, he healed many – but, His mission was always to offer salvation that we all deeply need.

Jesus shows us over and over and over again that He is fully capable to heal our physical bodies – but He also lives in a way to demonstrate that what really needs healing… is our souls.

There is a song that a friend shared with me last year by Amanda Cook called Heroes. The chorus of the song is,
“Awake my soul to sing
With Your breath in me
I will worship
You taught my feet
To dance upon disappointment
And I, I will worship”

That one line… “To dance upon disappointment” – sounds like a dream!

Slowly, I am realizing that my disappointment often comes from my short sighted perspective.
The circumstances that cause me disappointment in life aren’t because my God doesn’t care. On the contrary! I am beginning to recognize that my God… this intimate Jesus, my King… He simply cares MORE.

Could it be that He cares MORE for my soul healing than my physical healing?

And that He would rather offer true salvation?

That out of compassion for me, He invites me to confession and pours love all over me?

That my deepest need is not to be physically well?

My deepest need is not to have an easy life on earth. My deepest need is not to have a nice house or car that isn’t always in the shop. Dare I say that my deepest need is not even that I have food on the table for my family?

My deepest need is to be saved from the awful wages of my sin.

I have sinned and fall short of the glory of my God.
I’ve heard that verse and many others my entire life… that there is nothing I can do to save myself – but the free gift of God is eternal life. That only Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life… and that He alone can set me free from the utter bondage I find myself in.

How am I so numb to the severity of my sin that I would be disappointed at the words, “Your sins are forgiven”?

If I truly understood the depth of my sin… the cost of my sin… how would I live different?
I would live as one who is forgiven.
I would dance upon disappointment… and truly live.

Do you ever feel like you are waiting f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to see good come out of something you are facing?

A few weeks ago Galations 6:9 was brought up at church…

“Let us not lose heart in doing good,
for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.“

My first thought was, “But what if I AM weary?”

This verse makes is sound like I have a choice (“Let us not lose heart…) but I certainly don’t always feel like I do. If I’m honest, often I tend to let my circumstances be an excuse for my weariness…

I’m sure you can relate…
When you feel like you keep giving… and giving… and you don’t see any return or fruit from your efforts.
Or you keep serving… or loving those that are hard to love…
Maybe it is simply having a good attitude in the midst of terribly trying circumstances… an illness, financial distress… or a broken relationship.

Sometimes I do lose heart… and sometimes I do grow weary.
What then?

After dwelling on this for a bit (and being a bit discouraged at the time), my mind wandered to Isaiah.

It is in Isaiah 40:29-31 that I found my answer!

“He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.”

That line, smack in the middle…
“Yet those who wait for the Lord… will gain new strength… AND NOT BECOME WEARY!”

What do we do when we are overwhelmed and worn out…?
When it feels like we have been waiting forever to see the good…?
We come to the Lord.

That little word “wait” does not mean standing in line waiting for your turn to come. The word “wait” is to put “hope in”… to abide…

We come to our Jesus, reading our Bibles and dwelling in His presence in prayer. We sit at His feet to gain the strength needed to continue doing good. We simply cannot do this in our own humanness.

Don’t lose heart, friend.

Our Creator knows this and invites us to set our hearts on Him to gain new strength.

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If nothing else, over the years I have gained an appreciation for the way God uses the messy in my life.

I most certainly would never sign up for messy living… however, the insight into our Father’s character has driven me to a deeper, more intimate walk with Him. And I am grateful.

Sometimes, messy living looks like a messy house. Mail spewed about, dishes and cereal on the counter-tops (and other messes in unspoken corners of my home) make me want to pull my hair out.

Other times the chaos is simply a reflection of what is going on inside my heart and I want nothing more than to hide from it all in a cave of blankets on my bed.

And, sometimes still, messy living is not so much in my home… but in the circumstances I find myself immersed in. You know what I mean – filled up schedules, deadlines, holidays, meetings, school events, difficult relationships, illness and on and on and on… and on.

Now, I am a do-er. I find value in doing things and getting things done – or at least started. But, I’ll be honest, all the doing can turn messy rather quickly. Unfortunately, because I value the “doing”, I tend to feel valuable when I am doing… and if that is where I am finding my value or identity, I quickly believe that I am what is a mess when life feels like it is falling apart.

And then that voice of mercy steps in and says,
“You are a masterpiece in a messy world.”

Oh my heart.

Everyone should have a friend whisper these words into the depths of her soul.

Hear this now, friend… I sure need to hear this again and again and again…

No matter what goes on around you.
No matter how you keep house or prepare meals…
No matter how hard you work and feel like there isn’t much to show for it…
No matter how exhausted you are…
No matter what you have been told… or how you have been treated.
No matter if you are single, married, divorced…
No matter if you are exhausted to the core and wonder how in the world you will get out of bed tomorrow to face your day…

Know this.

You are a masterpiece in a very messy, broken world. Never confuse the two.

This is truth.

You are created on purpose for purpose.

Your King loves you and longs for you to know and rest in the depths of His love. You are valuable and beautiful… even when you don’t think you have enough or if you feel like you aren’t enough.

The truth is – you don’t have to be.
That is why Jesus came. He is everything.

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.”
Ephesians 2:10 NLT

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God Helps Those Who Help Themselves

As much as I want to portray strength and let the world know that “I got this”… If I’m honest, I’m more like a little girl hiding in a suit of armor hoping no one finds me out.

I read this late last night and posted the verse already… But, this has been on my mind all day!

Maybe sometimes I choose to believe the lie, “God helps those who help themselves”… but that is not truth…
and, seriously –

What a relief!!

I was in junior high and my family was camping with friends. {I just have to say “junior high” and you know this can’t be good, right? ha!}

My friend’s mother took all our laundry to the laundry mat so we had clean clothes to wear for the extended trip… and when she came back, she mixed up some of the clothes.

I had my best pair of 501 jeans… and apparently my friend’s older {skinny} brother did too. I will never forget him yelling from his tent,

“Mom!! These aren’t mine! They are TOO BIG!”

I was mortified because these jeans that were too big were mine.

I laugh now. When I was 12, however, I was more than embarrassed that my jeans were too big for a boy that was older than me.

Now that I’m older, I know that we are all so different. Even if we wear the same size – the fit is different. What I find to be the most comfortable pair of jeans is absolutely the least comfortable for my best friend. We are all just so different.

I’ve spent a lot of time this year mulling over Spiritual Gifts that our King has entrusted us with… today I read this quote and it reminded me of those jeans.

“When I realize that God makes his gifts fit each person,
there’s no way I can covet what you got because it just wouldn’t fit me.”

My friend’s brother didn’t want my jeans because they didn’t fit. They weren’t for him. If only we can look at our gifting the same way.

What you have is entrusted to you because it is the perfect fit for YOU. What I have is entrusted to me because it is the perfect fit for ME. Only you can be who God made you to be… and only you can fit into the place He has for you.

It’s like a puzzle. You can’t force a puzzle piece to fit where it doesn’t belong… it just doesn’t fit. In fact, if you do happen to force it in, the masterpiece – or completed picture – isn’t right. Every piece has to go where it was created to go. Every piece has it’s purpose. Whether a corner or a center piece… all are unique and all are needed.

The grass is always {always!} greener on the other side… but you get to that other side and you see that your side was green all along.

Are you struggling with the hand you have been dealt?
Do you wish you were a different piece of the puzzle?
Or, maybe you think you could do better if only…

In Matthew 25, we see the parable of the talents. Three slaves are chosen by the master and given varying amounts of treasure to steward in his absence. Two of the three slaves invested and doubled their money for their master. One slave hid his treasure to preserve it. This guy hid it because he was afraid… and he was afraid because he didn’t know his master. If you read the beginning of the story, you discover that the master chose these slaves and entrusted them with what he knew was what they could each handle. The master knew what he was doing… and as the story plays out we see this to be true.

Know this.

Your King knows you… and He loves you deeply. He has chosen you and has entrusted you with a treasure.  It isn’t a one-size-fits-all-treasure though.

The issue really isn’t how big or how much the treasure is.
The issue is – what are you going to do with it?

Perhaps we ought to stop wishing we had a different outfit to wear and put on what the King of kings has given us… I guarantee you it is beautiful.

“Grief is a gift.”

…The words spoken from our pastor who unexpectedly lost his brother recently. Having experienced various degrees of grief in my own life, my first response was…

“WHAT?!”

But, last week changed my perspective as we have been walking with our children through the valley of death…

A little over a week ago we had to put our thirteen year old lab down.

We knew she was old and have been preparing ourselves for her passing for the last six months to a year… but, it doesn’t make it any easier.

As a mother I have found the most difficult part of walking this journey is watching my children grieve. Thirteen years we had our sweet Bell-dog… My oldest, now sixteen, was three when we got her. All they have known really is a daily life with goofy Bell doing anything for a snuggle.

As my husband was with Bell in her final moments, I was with my three children. The full spectrum of grief was evident as my oldest spiraled quickly to panic…

“I didn’t say goodbye, Mom!” “It wasn’t enough time!” “I need to be with her!”

“No son. The truth is… you were blessed to spend all afternoon with Bell saying goodbye.” I whispered as I held him close seeking to calm his spirit.

My youngest expressed his grief with anger. I reached out to him but he pulled away… clearly angry and wanting to be left alone for a bit.

My daughter sat in the corner, quietly with tears streaming down her face.

“Oh, Lord!” I cried. “Help me walk this sacred ground with my children well… that this time of grief can be a gift.”

A sacred place.
Yes.
And I think time just may slow there.

I’m noticing as we walk through this grief there is immense opportunity to shape and mold my children. It has got me thinking about how God uses the difficult to mold and shape us.

But, it’s more than that.

On the way to the vet, my oldest asked to turn up the radio. “There’s Hope in Front of Me” by Danny Gokey was playing… And He started singing. He texted some friends… And they encouraged him with scripture…

I’m noticing stories.

The gift of grief opening our hearts and minds to recall stories of times past… and we share the things the Lord has done.

To grieve is to have loved.

As we pull away from the vet… the air is heavy. You could almost taste the grief in our hearts in the silent car.

Then out of the quiet my 16 year old cries out from the depths of his heart…

“Lord. Thank you for Bell. Thank you that she was so happy and not in pain. Thank you that you kept her with us for so long. Thank you that we got to say goodbye. Thank you, Lord, for Bell.”

Grief is a gift.

It takes us to the depths of our souls where we are faced with astounding truth… that even in the deepest valleys, our God is there.

[Goodbye Bell. You will be missed puppy. Rest knowing you did your job well.]

Ever since my last blog post I have found myself still struggling with coming to a place where I can say, “It Is Well”... even when I don’t feel like everything is well.

Sure, there are “pockets” of time where I have felt like I could say “It Is Well with my soul…” But, lately there has been a deep wrestling in my heart.

I realized that what I have been longing for is change.
a break.
relief.
simple.

See, in my finite perspective {ha!} I have it all figured out…
I would take away all the things that hurt or burn. Quite honestly, I would remove death and grief and everything that makes us sad and breaks our hearts. Who wouldn’t?

Don’t get me wrong – I totally get that God uses these things to bring us to a deeper understanding of His beautiful character and unfailing love…

but, when I’m gazing on this idea of relief from the pressure – my ideal looks pretty sweet.

Can you relate?

It finally hit me yesterday as I sat listening to a sermon on grief.

As long as my desire for relief is greater than my desire for God, I will never be in a place where “It is well with my soul”.

There it is…
Thank you Pastor Jerry.

Do you long to be able to say from the inside-out-bottom-of-your-very-being that It Is Well? No matter what comes your way?

Instead of asking God to remove the circumstances that I don’t find comfortable… or are just plain painful, I’m just starting to recognize that I have a choice. I can gaze on my unwanted STUFF and wish it would just. go. away.

OR… I can fix my eyes on Jesus and choose to press into all the truths I know about Him and His deep, deep love.
You know – the kind of love that surpasses all understanding…
the kind of love that sacrifices and dies for you love…
the kind of love that wants the very best abundant life-giving life for you…

Finding the “It Is Well” life can’t be found gazing at the things I see around me.

Nope… It isn’t about what I see.
Brings me back to Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings… In all your ways acknowledge [get to know, desire] Him and He will make your paths straight.”

If I want to find the “It is Well” life I need to get to a point where I desire God more than I desire relief.

Yesterday morning at church we sang “It is Well”… You may know this beautiful old hymn. But, in the middle of it – I had to stop singing as the thought came…

“What if it isn’t well with my soul?”

Today I’m listening to my playlist on Pandora and the song “It is Well” plays…

“Through it all – through it all – my eyes are on You.”

When it isn’t well – that is when I must reflect and remember who my King is.

“Let go my soul… and trust in Him –
Waves and wind still know His name.”

When I come into His presence my perspective on my circumstances changes.

Then… and only then… can I say it is well.

It is well… with my soul.

I read a quote earlier today that went something like this:

“One of the toughest parts of life is knowing whether to work harder or walk away.”

{sigh}

I wish the quote had more of an answer… rather than just point out the obvious

Today I feel like I am spinning and spinning… trying to fill in where I fear the Lord won’t.

It is as if I forgot that there is more to life than “trying harder”.

Over and over this last year I have poured myself into various projects… only to have them fall flat – one after the other… and, I keep spinning – thinking it must be me.

Oh that fear that is so deeply rooted and keeps my eyes on what I see…
that fear that makes me feel like I know it all… that I can do this on my own…

But, what if I can’t?

What if all this working harder…
and harder…
trying to do better…
if only this…
if only that…

What if all this isn’t what we ought to be doing?

Have you heard the song – Just Breathe by Jonny Diaz?

The song winds you up as the beat gets faster and faster… before stopping and then the words, “Just Breathe”

Just typing that makes me pause and take a deep sigh.

Are you spinning too?

Look at this beautiful passage the Lord brought to mind today…

A Father’s delight is behind all this.

Now run to your King and just be…

The sun is shining in the Pacific NW… and everyone {I mean EVERYONE} seems to have come out of the woodwork. The sidewalks are full of people walking… running… trails have hikers and children running at the parks.

I. love. the. sunshine.

Every year about this time… I think about how much I lack in my exercise regime – and am inspired to change it up some… or at least do something more.

Today I was reading in I Timothy 4… and I was a bit convicted by my spiritual exercise routine.

Key for me is to be in God’s Word. To take time to focus on His voice by reading my Bible…

Why is it that the busy can so easily come in and distract me from the disciplined work out I need most in my life?

Tell me I’m not alone…