Kat: Oh, lipstick! Who doesn’t love the promise of glamour and excitement that red lipstick seems to beckon forth with? But I agree, if you’re a bit of a lipstick virgin, red is something to “work up to.” (Curious aside: isn’t interesting that no one seems to wear lipstick anymore? I feel like we’ve been in the gloss era for ages now.) Lipstick musings aside, I agree with my esteemed colleague below — a red lipstick takes a bit of experimentation and time to find. It’s almost like a new hobby! I’d actually start with a gloss or a stain first, because sometimes the density of pigment in a red lipstick takes a bit to get used to. (I always feel like my face is silently screaming, “Lips! Lips coming through!” when I’m wearing red lipstick.)
As far as particular shades, my recommendations would probably only work on a medium-skinned black-haired type with olive undertones in their complexion, because that is what I am. I began with an old tried-but-true, Cherries in the Snow by Revlon, which is a very 50s bright red. It didn’t work on me because I’m just not the right skin tone, but I know it works beautifully on others. On my burnished skin, the winning shade of red is Nars’ Lip Stain Gloss in “Indian Summer.” It is hella scarlet, for sure, but I love it because it does not go pinkish on my lips, which is what most red lipsticks tend to do. Most lip stains I find have a slightly weird texture — Nars’ Lip Stain is a bit less so in that respect, and the color really does stay put through many situations, ranging from meals to mouthing off to those dilemmas omnipresent in careers of international espionage. (God, it just sucks to make out with Daniel Craig on a semi-regular basis.) Nars rocks the party as a makeup line, anyway — the colors are very dense and true, plus the packaging is so chic and sophisticated and looks beautiful on a dresser or in a medicine cabinet. Like Liz, I am also fond of Fresh’s lip products in general, and I remember being awfully attached to their lipstick in a shade called “Rouge du Monde.” I can’t seem to find it now — what up, Fresh? Why you gotta treat us so bad? But I can also recommend their lip shine in “Sari,” which is a true gloss and really soft and not sticky in the least. (I’m also wanting to try the lip shine in “Dark Star” — it looks like a nice deeper brick red.) Anyway, I wish you the best on your future career as a beauty adventuress, sailing forth on the streets of America, silently calling “Lips! Lips!” to your comrades in red lipstick. (Kat)
Liz: You need to travel back in time a few years and get yourself a tube of Lady Tatami lip stain from Fresh. This is my all-time favorite lip color, but sadly it’s so far gone that Googling it yields only 5 results (three of which are me whining about how it’s not available anymore).
But yeah, I’m a red lipstick girl all the way – anything with even the slightest hint of pink makes me look half-dead, for some crazy reason. Right now I’m wearing Dazzling by Smashbox and I’m not so wild about it: It’s a little too shiny and sort of thin, whereas Lady Tatami was rich and creamy and an all-around dream-come-true. (And I’ll get over this someday, I swear – just not anytime soon.)
Anyway, getting to the actual advice portion of this advice column: I can tell you that I arrived at my dream color after many years of lipstick experimentation, mostly with the cheapest of the cheap makeup lines. Like, when I was 16 and 17 and maybe a little older, all I ever wore was Wet ‘N Wild’s fabulously named 508B, which cost me 99 cents per tube. The color was actually pretty awesome, though the texture was kinda cruddy and bad unless I layered some gloss on top. So, maybe a good strategy would be to play around with some really cheapo lipstick, find a color that you love, then try to replicate said color in a higher-quality makeup line? I’d give the thumbs-up to Fresh (even though I sort of hate them for discontinuing Lady Tatami), but right now I’ve got my eye on Yves Saint Laurent’s Rouge Pur Shine Sheer Lipstick in either Italian Cherry or Frosted Fig. I’ll keep you posted on how that all works out.
(Anyway, dear red-lipsticked inclined readers, what are YOUR recommendations in this department? And don’t forget to keeping Asking Us Anything!)

+ Why don’t you… adopt a dog from a shelter and name it after your favorite Beatles song?
+ Why don’t you… wear dramatic false eyelashes to the office and see what your boss says?
+ Why don’t you…spike a banana Slurpee with a shot of Malibu and drink it on public transit?
+ Why don’t you… never buy an iPhone?
+ Why don’t you… read Laura Jane’s Magnum Opus and then impulse-buy Matthew Friedberger’s Winter Women/Holy Ghost Language School?
+ Why don’t you… start saying “What the Helen Keller?” in lieu of “What the Hell?” as frequently as possible, and see if it catches on?
+ Why don’t you… take a picture of yourself eating a Tom Yum Pop and send it to us?
+ Why don’t you… make yourself an Egyptian-style Art Deco headdress?
+ Why don’t you… rollerskate to work tomorrow?
+Why don’t you… start doing the New York Times Sunday crossword every Sunday morning?
+Why don’t you… belt an oversized men’s pyjama top and wear it as a smart day-dress a la Laura Jane?

(this look even de-scrappifies Laura!)
+Why don’t you… ASK US ANYTHING?
+Why don’t you… throw the sleepover party your adolescent self would have killed for?
(For instance: only invite friends who fulfill obvious Babysitter’s Club archetypes; rent Foxfire; smoke Sobranie Pinks; drink Mudslides with Peppermint Chocolate soymilk; make up super-outlandish Say Anything moments; prank call hot dudes; listen to The Great Escape; nosh on vegan Petit-fours, organic peanut butter crackers, and Teddy Grahams)
+Why don’t you… ask me out on a date? (note: this only applies if your name is Michael Showalter)
+Why don’t you… comment here with a Why Don’t You? of your own?

2. Spoon & Fork, 2345 Trafalgar Rd, Oakville

Order: Mixed Vegetables in Thai Sauce; Coconut Sticky Rice
Price: $10.00 (sticky rice included!)
What it should have cost: Maybe $3.
Food Wrap-up: This was the worst Thai food EVER. I guess maybe it’s my own fault for ordering such a boring dinner, but I thought it made sense within the context of a “Best Of” format to order the simplest thing on the menu. You know: if they can make good mixed vegetables, they’re probably a good Thai place. Well, if that’s the case, then Spoon & Fork is an even worse Thai place than I thought. Apparently in the world of Spoon & Fork, “Thai sauce” means either “no sauce” or “vegetabley water”, which would suck for the good people of Thailand if I hadn’t eaten a billion other Thai sauces that were actual sauce and not just a lack thereof. Also, I was really stoked about the fact that I was getting rice that was both sticky and coconut at the same time, since I never eat plain steamed rice and figured this would be the best of both worlds. Unfortunately for me, it was the best of neither world: Spoon & Fork’s coconut sticky rice is a) not sticky and b) didn’t taste like coconut.
Notes on Ambiance: Kind of hot for Oakville. I guess?
Apex of Meal: I ate it while watching Episode Four of The Beatles Anthology. Also: It got better when I doused it in Tamari.
Abyss of Meal: Dude, everything! Luckily for you, you will never eat here, because you will probably never visit Oakville, Ontario. If you live in Oakville and feel like eating Thai food, you should go to Thai Satay and More, which is awesome. Actually, scratch that: if you live in Oakville and feel like eating Thai food, you should suppress your desire, eat Ramen instead, and save up your cash so you can move the hell out of Oakville.
Likeliest Context of Next Visit: My Dad says the Pumpkin Curry Soup is really good, so maybe if I’m in the mood to give S&F a second chance I’ll check that out.
Overall Rating (out of 100%): 23%: F MINUS
3. Urban Thai, 638 College St.

Order: Thai Eggplant; Fragrant Sticky Rice with tangy peanut sauce; Bartender’s Rootbeer
Price: $7.95; $2.50; $6.50
What it should have cost: I guess around that, but the service was such garbage that the Bartender’s Rootbeer should have been free of charge.
Food Wrap-up: I know I’m impossibly boring and order the same thing over and over again, but whatevs, man, that’s my prerogative: it’s better than being adventurous and ending up with something you hate. I only recently discovered the versatility and culinary magic of eggplant: like portobello mushrooms and/or squash, eggplant functions more as a protein or starch than a meager vegetable: it’s hearty, filling and totally substantial. Stupidly, I squeezed an entire lime over my meal without thinking about it, so I accidentally turned my Thai Eggplant into “Thai Eggplant: Extreme Lime”, which not exactly my preference. I liked how the peppers and onions and eggplant were cooked down really soft together so it was kind of a soupy/saucy consistency. The sticky rice wasn’t very sticky, but it was purple, which is cool, so I forgot to care. I was excited that the basic sticky rice came with free tangy peanut sauce, but it wasn’t tangy. It was barely even peanutty! Quel drag.
Notes on Ambiance: It was really weird when “Fire Water Burn” by the Bloodhound Gang started blasting mid-meal. Apparently Urban Thai recently underwent a huge renovation/redecoration; it was once a total dive, now it’s kind of swank and suave. Unfortunately, the service was appalling. My friend didn’t get her Teriyaki Chicken until fifteen minutes after the rest of us were served: that’s just plain SILLY.
Apex of Meal: I was drunk when I showed up, was accompanied by fun friends, and all the waitresses were hella cute, so I hated them less than I might have otherwise.
Abyss of Meal: I had to teach the bartender how to make a Bartender’s Rootbeer, which was misspelled as a Bartender’s Rootbear on the menu (cute, huh?). FYI: A Bartender’s Rootbeer is: Galliano, Kahlua, (diet) Coke, and soda water. I’d been excited to try one for, like, ever, but wouldn’t humiliate myself by ordering something so obviously lame at a real bar. In conclusion: it was too sweet.
Likeliest Context of Next Visit: I’ll probably try Cafe 668 instead. I guess if I was with adamant carnivores I’d go back.
Overall Rating (out of 100%): 65%, though I probably would have given it Bangkok Paradise’s rating if Bangkok Paradise hadn’t stolen it.
4. Richtree Market, Brookfield Place, 181 Bay St.

Order: Mixed Vegetables, Tofu & Steamed Rice with Teriyaki Sauce, which was supposed to be Thai Peanut Sauce but the dude heard me wrong, or maybe just didn’t care.
Price: I don’t remember and have no way of finding out, but I do remember that it was decidedly ridiculous.
What it should have cost: Considerably less than it did.
Food Wrap-up: The night I got Thai food from Richtree Market was a pretty hilarious night in the life of Laura Jane. It was a rainy Sunday evening and I was really sauced and had to catch a train at 8:43 PM and had to eat Thai food for my nogoodforme.com Best of Five article, and was scampering down the street listening to the Beatles and drunk-dialing all the stupidest people I could possibly drunk-dial, and was slurring to strangers, “UH WHERE’S BAY STREET?” while I was on Bay Street, and every single Thai restaurant in all of Toronto was closed (because it was Sunday, and Toronto kind of sucks sometimes). Richtree Market was my only option. If you’re from Toronto, I know you’re thinking: “Oh God, Laura Jane, I cannot believe you went to Richtree! Of all places! Richtree!” but I did, so deal with it. Richtree is nasty, lame, annoying, overpriced, overpopulated, and obviously fundamentally opposed to everything fundamentally LJ about LJ, but it happened, and guess what? It was DELISH.
Notes on Ambiance: NUFF SAID
Apex of Meal: Shoveling it into my face at a mile a minute on a commuter train whilst simultaneously leaving Liz Barker a voicemail, attempting to “figure out what it tastes like for my nogoodforme Thai Food review,” and listening/mouthing along to “Carrie-Anne” by the Hollies. With my mouth full, of course.
Abyss of Meal: Ripping chunks of hair out of my skull while the stupid loser spooned it into a take-out container slower than I knew was humanly possible; how I actually bothered to fork over the extra two bucks for tofu & veggie rather than plain veggie, which meant (literally) two chunks of raw, unseasoned tofu were hastily tossed into the stir-fry. A buck apiece, folks. A buck apiece.
Likeliest Context of Next Visit: If my ex-boyfriend’s accountant father ever feels like taking me out, we’ll probably go here, in which case you’d better believe I’m ignoring the faux-Asian station and getting a strawberry lemonade and a Rosti.
Overall Rating (out of 100%): 4%? 93%? God only knows. Food tastes really good when you’re starving and drunk as a skunk.
PS: In case you’re wondering, that photograph of me was indeed taken in a GO Train bathroom.
5. Thai Express, 505 University Ave.; Toronto Eaton Centre; Oakville Place Mall; nowhere-Alberta; etc.

Order: Medium-spicy Eggplant Vegetable Stir-Fry with a Fountain Diet Coke and Tom Yum Mini-soup
Price: $8 and change for the whole gang!
What it should have cost: I would have paid $11 without even blinking an eye.
Food Wrap-up: I spilled the Tom Yum mini-soup all over myself within five minutes of walking home, but all I can say is that it smelled really nice and that this person liked it. The eggplant curry is actually the second-best Thai Eggplant I’ve ever eaten after that offered at Montreal, Quebec’s absolutely impenetrable Eden Thai, which makes me feel sort of lame: like, “Really, Laura? Is fast-food Thai-crapola chain stir-fry honestly one of your all-time favorite Thai Eggplants?” Well, yes. Thai Express’ ever-trustworthy veggie/eggplant/rice/spice/sauce ratio is just so impressive. As a matter of fact: it’s perfection.
Notes on Ambiance: I’ve never been to a Thai Express that isn’t situated in a shopping mall food court, which forges the concept of “ambiance” into something of a moot point. However, Thai Express’ branding and packaging is pretty much the coolest thing ever: your order is always parceled in a precious little takeout crate, and their whole “Spicy Girls” system turns deciding upon a heat preference into a fun game akin to “choosing your favorite Beatle.” Oh yeah, and the portion size of said crate is about as totally effing perfect as the sauce/food/rice ratio.
Apex of Meal: Being a vegan, it’s really nice to know that if I’m ever stuck in a strip mall in the middle of nowhere-Alberta, I’ll be able to procure a healthy and satisfying meal that isn’t a 99-cent baggie of honey-roasted peanuts with a side of Jujyfruits. In the past, I’ve heavily relied upon whole-wheat veggie Subways in such situations, but you can only eat so many preservative-soaked banana peppers before the novelty wears way off. By the way, veg.ca‘s index of Vegan Fast Food Options is really helpful when it comes to “I’m a vegan in nowhere-Alberta” dilemmas; PETA’s I Can’t Believe It’s Vegan! directory is equally enlightening, but also kind of creepy (MANWICH SAUCE SHOULD NOT BE VEGAN!!!).
Abyss of Meal: Sometimes you don’t want your Thai food to be purchased from a mall food court.
Likeliest Context of Next Visit: I’m hungry in a mall food court and the line-up at Teriyaki Experience is too long.
Overall Rating (out of 100%): 86%! Convenient, tasty and cheap. We have a winner!