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Valentine’s Day Countdown 2010: The Long-Distance Edition

Ade — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 10:45:41 +0000

I just realized that it’s just a less than a week before Valentine’s Day. As much as I try block out the world when everyone starts to become mushy, there will be a couple of people who will break into my zen bubble and piss the hell out of me. You will then see me retreat into my room, crying, bird in hand, wanking off.

Okay, to be really honest, I’m not even making a huge deal out of Valentine’s anymore. It’s like the whole novelty of the stupid day has died for me.(...)

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I am Living in a World of Pain

Ade — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 05:36:06 +0000

A couple of days ago, I figured in a small accident. It was the effect of a mixture of stupidity and my inherent clumsiness; I ended up comically landing on the sidewalk. The thing is, the cement seems to have gone through a jackhammer recently, and it was all jagged and shit. To add to the humiliation of tripping in front of all those people and having nobody help me, I also got a skinned left palm, a wound on my right elbow, and most of my right knee ended up skinned as well.

Reenactment.

In hindsight, entering the nearest Mini Stop bleeding profusely while asking the cashier for a band-aid – yes, a fucking band-aid – was kind of hilarious, even though I freaked out everyone for getting blood on the floor. And the prospect of massive blood loss? Not fun.(...)

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Movie Review: Avatar

Ade — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 05:28:22 +0000

So I was supposed to watch James Cameron’s comeback film, Avatar, last weekend. However, due to unforseen circumstances, I wasn’t able to make it to the last full show. I’m not supposed to tell you the details, but it involved a velociraptor and Jesus. I’d like to tell you more, but I promised the cops I won’t talk about that again. But the whole point is that I’m supposed to be writing a review about this film that I haven’t even seen, and I’m panicking the shit out. In an act of desperation, I open up a torrent website, and search for and download Avatar.

Now I don’t have a way to figure out if I did get the real thing. But then, the movie’s going to be about a bunch of half-naked blue men prancing around, saying stuff in gibberish, while being totally epic in the signature James Cameron way. If I see one blue guy in the film, then I’m pretty sure it’s Avatar, right? There can’t be too many films featuring blue guys. So I double-click the movie file, slouch in my chair for a few hours of cinematic bliss, and watch as blue-skinned CGI people wage war against- wait, what the fuck?(...)

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Inner Child Therapy: New Year’s Resolutions 2010

Ade — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:37:13 +0000

INNER CHILD: So, Ade, what are your New Year’s resolutions for 2010?
ME: I dunno kid, I’m not really into making resolutions.
INNER CHILD: WHAT? You suck. Don’t be a fucking fornicating shit-eating faggot and try to improve yourself for the new decade!
ME: … that has got to be the most obscene stream of words I’ve ever heard coming out of your mouth.
INNER CHILD: Even more obscene than “horse-fucking twat sucking clit fucker shitface?” Because that’s what I think whenever I hear your name.
ME: …
INNER CHILD: In case you haven’t figured it out, it’s because I think you’re a horse-fucking twat sucking clit fucker shitface.
ME: …
INNER CHILD: So, make a new year’s resolution already, you asshole. Try to make your life suck less this 2010. I know you got a new laptop and all you wanna do is to tweak the shit out of it and kill zombies with plants, but come on, you’re better than that.(...)

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Happy New Year! Huzzah, it’s 2010!

Ade — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 15:12:20 +0000

Happy New Year! This is a new beginning, people! New year! New DECADE!

Just share this post, for crying out loud:

Meet Apocalypto the Laptop

Ade — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 16:58:48 +0000

So I finally did it. After months of saving up, I went out and got me a brand-new laptop.

You guys all remember the time when I bought my first laptop, right? I saved up for months so I can afford the super-cheap Asus Eee PC 701. I was kind of an idiot back then, and I thought that since all I did was to surf the internet ~~and look for porn~~, a laptop with specs that were top-of-the-line seven years ago and running a stripped-down version of Linux was enough. Big mistake.

Sure, I had fun dicking around with various distros of Linux. I even got Doom to run on it. I even got an offer to write on a blog about the Asus Eee. And when I finally installed Windows XP on MacEnvy (Yes, that’s what I named my laptop. What.), it took me a couple of days trimming all the fat from the OS, and I did learn a lot (something along the lines of “do not delete the nice file called SYSTEM32.exe”), but two years onward, having a first-generation netbook that doesn’t do much kind of became a pain.(...)

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On the first day of Christmas, these douchebags went to me…

Ade — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 02:00:51 +0000

… wait.

This isn’t exactly what I had in mind, but um, Merry Christmas everyone!

May you have a happy holiday full of peace and love and wonderfulness and all that stuff that gives you a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

Just share this post, for crying out loud:

A Series of Questions Sent To Somebody’s Formspring During a Drunken Haze.

Ade — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 06:20:30 +0000

Dear Ashley,

Hi. Remember me? I’m Ade. Am I glad to find you here on Formspring! We met back in college. Remember the party that Lloyd threw? The one where Sheena ended up puking all over your dress? That’s the one I was talking about. I just want you to know that I spiked Sheena’s orange juice. Didn’t know she had a low alcohol tolerance. Sorry.

Also, yeah, I know I had whiskey dick that night, and you promised to call me back once we’re sober but you never did. What the heck is up with that?(...)

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Talking to (a very cranky) Santa

Ade — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 07:34:56 +0000

“Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! So, kid, what do you want to find in your stockings this holiday season? Come on and sit on my la-” the mall employee dressed as Santa abruptly stopped in the middle of his sentence as he looked up and saw that it was my turn. I was grinning enthusiastically as I waved at him.

“Yo, yo, yo, dude. Stop. Stop it.” the Santa said. “Aren’t you… a little too old for this?”

“What are you talking about?” I shot back. “I lined up in here fair and square! You can never be too old for Santa Claus!”

“What the heck happened to your childhood, buddy? Everyone knows Santa Claus is-”

“Fake? Dude, you’re going to ruin Christmas for these children. Tone it down a little.”

Santa scratched his head quizzically and mumbled, “I swear there was a sign outside that said ‘For children up to age 13 only’ there. After that little runt tried to poop on my outfit the other day, I thought I’ve gotten the worst-”

Little does this mall employee dressed as Santa know that this was actually my fifth attempt to line up at the “Tell Santa Your Wishes!” booth at this mall.

The first time had me bringing in a couple of screwdrivers. What I didn’t know is that they have guard dogs roaming the mall at night. You can probably tell how it ended. Then I tried bribing a few mall employees in various ways (I’m not at liberty to speak of this but I won’t confirm nor deny that it involved lots of thousand-peso bills and offers of oral sex to various people of ambiguous gender) but that didn’t work out as well.

So today I just walked up and gave a black eye to the fucker who was telling me to move it because the parents might think I’m a creepy sexual predator. After pushing ten security guards out of the way, I made my way towards Santa.(...)

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Hello, December

Ade — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 16:19:53 +0000

And just like that, it’s December again.

Guys, look, the end of the year is almost here, and what have we learned so far? My personal answer would be “2009 just about fucked everyone with its irrational rash of celebrity deaths, consecutive tragic typhoons, massacres, and loads of political turmoil.” Yep, 2009 has been one fucking fun year.

But again, it’s December already and I think it’s about time we relax for a little bit and think about Christmas. You know, be all loving and caring and all?(...)

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