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Moratorium: That Jose Mari Chan Christmas Song

Ade — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 06:30:39 +0000

Before anything else, let me post a YouTube video of that cursed song. Please feel free to play it over and over again as you read my blog entry so you can get into my state of mind as I wrote this.

Back when I was a kid, hearing Christmas songs weeks before Christmas gave me a feeling of excitement and wonder. Heck it made me think of peace and goodwill and everything Christmassy. Also it means getting a shitload of gifts and I’d probably get the Ecto-1 I’ve always dreamed of. So I used to run around singing all the carols I hear, slowly driving everyone around me to madness because of my slightly (ok, not slightly… it’s more like majorly) off-tune ~~singing~~ screeching.

Ah, how times have changed.(...)

Click here to read the rest of Moratorium: That Jose Mari Chan Christmas Song (382 words)

Nokia E63 Review

Ade — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 09:53:42 +0000

My previous blog entry got a grand total of zero comments. Except maybe for that Nigerian dude who wanted to give me his riches for a small price (I’m wiring him my life savings as we speak) and that Japanese girl who wanted me to install this program so I can see her tits. Right now, I’m kind of distracted because as I’m running the installer, all my anti virus programs are going haywire with all sorts of apocalyptic warnings of doom. I can’t concentrate on the tits I’m about to see, dammit.

Tits

Anyway, yeah. Blog. No comments. Zilch. Nada. Hence, I spent like five hours on the phone with Marck complaining about people not caring at all about the impending Zombie Apocalypse. After realizing that all he made are empathic grunts, I threatened to break into an animal shelter and look for the cutest kitten and step on it as he looked. It was by then he decided to speak up. The following conversation ensued:

“Ade, that Zombie article sucked,” he sighed.

“NOT LISTENING I’M GOOGLING FOR THE NEAREST ANIMAL SHELTER NOW”

“Ade, you gotta listen to me. I have the 2009 Philippine Blog Awards Best Commentary Blog ™ and I get posts with zero comments all the time!”

“AHA FOUND ONE NOW I’M LOOKING UP THE ADDRESS IN GOOGLE MAPS”

“Ade-”

“GOING THERE TO PICK UP A KITTEN I’LL DROP BY YOUR HOUSE IN AN HOUR I’M WEARING STEEL TOE BOOTS”(...)

Click here to read the rest of Nokia E63 Review (508 words)

An Open Letter To Our Future Zombie Overlords

Ade — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 10:27:37 +0000

This entry is part 10 of 11 in the series Open Letters

Dear Future Zombie Overlords,

How are you guys? I know you’re really not into small talk, and there really is no reason for you guys would want to talk to us puny humans, especially after the Great Zombie Uprising of the Future will decide that we are inferior to the undead.

I don’t know where I’ll be when the time comes. I can hope to be alongside my fellow living humans, fighting for human survival, and probably kicking zombie ass every now and then. But since we all know I have the survival skills of a prairie dog, I’d probably be zombie and I’d be the fat stinky zombie who will comically stagger towards the female love interest of the hero. I’ll also get my brains blown out within five minutes of the Great Zombie Uprising of the Future.(...)

Click here to read the rest of An Open Letter To Our Future Zombie Overlords (418 words)

2009 Philippine Blog Awards Aftermath: The Bitter Ocampo Edition

Ade — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 05:11:03 +0000

Friday evening found me with fellow finalist Madz and her boyfriend, rushing to get to PETA Theater on time. We were running late for the 3rd Philippine Blog Awards, and as expected traffic wasn’t cooperating with us. The bus ride to Cubao LRT took ages, and the lines in the LRT station were horrible, and when were finally able to land at Gilmore, there were no taxis around.

So we spent around 30 minutes, dressed in awards attire (well, I was going for the homeless wino look anyway so I didn’t mind), running around a gas station trying to flag a taxi. Half an hour later we went “fuck it, we’re tired” and I flagged a tricycle. Yep, going to a prestigious event in a tricycle. Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

So we traversed the streets of New Manila in a tricycle. I was sitting behind the speed demon driver, hanging on for dear life, while Madz and her boyfriend were seated snugly inside the sidecar. When we reached PETA Theater, I jumped off the trike, sweaty and panting, for all to see. Noelle, Marcelle, Marck, and Karen stared in the other direction rather awkwardly, trying to avoid my glance as I attempted to greet them.(...)

Click here to read the rest of 2009 Philippine Blog Awards Aftermath: The Bitter Ocampo Edition (809 words)

I’m a 2009 Philippine Blog Awards Finalist! Wait, really?

Ade — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 02:30:41 +0000

Hello everyone. My name is Ade, and I own this blog. Please don’t hurt me.

I’ve spent three years of my life dedicated to a blog chronicling my various failures while at the same time becoming the largest repository of dick jokes on the internet. When a website’s tagline is “your daily dose of retard,” it’s pretty obvious that this site won’t imbue you with life’s lessons upon reading its contents. Of course, if you consider open letters to people who constantly touch the peepees and weewees of other people on trains important life lessons. (It is, for me)

I think there’s a red flag or two somewhere that says this blog isn’t really something that adds anything meaningful to the blogosphere. Heck, I’m pretty sure I’d be having a hard time looking for at least 5 bloggers who are willing to acknowledge my site’s existence. I swear, this dude probably has more legitimacy than I do.

Or even this guy.

That said, I ended up as a finalist in the 2009 Philippine Blog Awards.

Yeah, I went “huh?” too.

Okay, I’m up against some really tough guys like Good Times Manila (hAllUr p0wH Deejay), Hay! Men and Indolent Indio, so it’s pretty obvious that I’m not putting my hopes up (this Ade, whatta fishing for compliments).

Anyway, if by some weird twist of fate I do win Best Humor Blog, I promise to not strip off my clothes and run around the stage butt naked. Yeah.(...)

Click here to read the rest of I’m a 2009 Philippine Blog Awards Finalist! Wait, really? (787 words)

Typhoon Ondoy

Ade — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 18:32:20 +0000

Who else here feels like they’ve gone through hell and back? Good. Nice to know that I’m not alone.

Okay, I’ll make this quick and dirty. This is one of the worst things that everyone here has gone through in recent memory, and us who are lucky enough to be able to stay in their warm and cozy homes, and just shake their heads in disbelief at the pictures and videos of Ondoy’s rampage, should be able to do something to help those who were hit hard.

(...)

Click here to read the rest of Typhoon Ondoy (274 words)

AdeFAIL: Fire Exits, Burping, Embarassment

Ade — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 10:50:00 +0000

This entry is part 4 of 3 in the series AdeFAIL

There’s this small cafeteria I go to during lunch time. Aside from the fact that the food there tastes more or less home-cooked, the price is perfect for a cheapskate like me. Also, the building where the cafeteria is located is a few buildings away from my office and the place is infested with hot women. Is there a rule where all the hot women of Ortigas Center stay in that one building and they all avoid the place where this fat sweaty dude works?

Since the food there is cheap, I usually get a bad case of the gas after lunch time. I usually deal with this by silently releasing it in a series of small farts on the way back to the office. When I get back to my cubicle, I sit with a satisfied grin on my face, content that my little spurts of doom went by unnoticed.

Unrelated picture is unrelated

Anyway, the cafeteria is on the second floor. To save time, I don’t use the elevator and instead I go up the fire exit, because using the elevator to go up one floor is one of the most annoyingly stupid things on my list.(...)

Click here to read the rest of AdeFAIL: Fire Exits, Burping, Embarassment (433 words)

Ade’s Christmas Wish List 2009!

Ade — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 08:27:13 +0000

Oh lookee! It’s September, and it’s time to break out the Christmas decorations because Christmas is just around the corner! Okay, not really, because, you see, you can’t put Christmas in a corner because it’s a metaphysical thing we call a holiday, and we really can’t shoehorn holidays in corners and– yeah? Well, fuck you too.

Anyway, since I am about to go on a rampage the next time I hear Jose Mari Chan’s “Whenever I see girls and boys selling lanterns on the street” being played around me, I might as well use this early Christmas spirit to help me out of this writer’s block. And people are already putting up their wish lists, I might as well make mine to give you people enough time to save up and buy me these things! Right guys? Guys?

The Complete Remastered Beatles Catalog

I really want this. I’ve been a big Beatles fan for as long as I could remember, and my biggest complaint about their albums is that they sound too tinny.(...)

Click here to read the rest of Ade’s Christmas Wish List 2009! (284 words)

I Refuse to do Shamless Promotions on my Blog- GUYS PLEASE VOTE FOR MY BAND THANKS

Ade — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 12:37:23 +0000

Thanks to Eboy for this!

You all know that I have this pretty awesome band called Lose Your Beer Belly, right? And you also are aware that I still don’t know why a bunch of talented and awesome musicians are letting some untalented hack hang out with them in the first place.

So I entered the band in this online battle of the bands around a few weeks ago, which resulted in screams of panic from my bandmates. We practically had no idea what to do, or what’ll happen. Also, I chose to send in the video where I looked kind of like a bloated barnacle.

So fast forward to last Friday. I opened my RSS Reader and I found out that we actually got in the semifinals. Now this is where things went crazy. You know that I have this dream to become a rockstar right? I mean, to quit the cozy, comfortable, assured corporate life and to trade it for the hazy, shitty, constantly near-poverty life of a rock star.(...)

Click here to read the rest of I Refuse to do Shamless Promotions on my Blog- GUYS PLEASE VOTE FOR MY BAND THANKS (198 words)

Spammers Say the Darnest Things

Ade — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 17:08:52 +0000

You see, I can be a bit of a snark at times. But really, I’m a generally nice guy. Shut up or I’ll kick your ovaries so hard they’ll shoot out your nose. Now go make me a turkey sammich. Anyway, I just realized that I’ve been ignoring these spam comments for over a year now, and will you look at that, they’re just begging for attention. And since I am not a rude motherfucker, I decided to show some lovin’ and reply to those comments.

Also, I have absolutely nothing to write about and I really really need to update this blog because I told myself that I need to make a weekly post even though it makes no sense at all. What.(...)

Click here to read the rest of Spammers Say the Darnest Things (335 words)