Change is what defines living. Before our paths crossed, everything I was or did were motionless. All I thought of when everything was done were simple. I was bent into thinking that I had to simplify everything and prove lifeless to be lively.

Change was what you brought me. You brought chaos into my mind just like electrons brought chaos in the universe and created beauty. You disrupted the insides of me. You stole me from the loneliness that I’ve never known. You became my best friend who showed me the world. The enemy that I will love forever.

Both of us couldn’t be perfect. We clash because we know each other’s limits. We’ve made mistakes that none would have forgiven or understood if we were them, yet we are standing beside each other. I’d like to experience more of the world with you. Let’s travel more. If ever we make mistakes, let’s do that together.

You are my warmth. The accent to my life. You are my dancer. The harmony to my art. You are after all, myself.

If you’ve been following this blog, aside from its constant inactivity, then you can sum up the whole content to be about life and my resistance to it.

Recently, an event in my life tested my very core. In reality, I was expecting it some years ago. A little more than four years ago, the doctor called me up in his office, showed me pictures and told me that my mother had cancer. Panic didn’t take over me, rather it was urgency. I decided then to line her up for surgery before telling my father and sisters. The surgery was successful, but it was too late because it has spread. To cut the story short, Nanay took on all cures that modern medicine has to offer – to no avail. The doctors gave up and we waited until she deteriorated into nothing.

There are only two saddest periods in my life. One was recurrent and the other was final. One that’s stuck on rewind in my head was every time I drop Nanay off to the ferry or the Subway station on her way to work. There’s just something that makes me feel like someone was pulling down the veins away from my heart and how I wished for omnisciency so that I could be beside her and not feel that way. I can still see it happening very clearly in my mind playing in re-runs. The last would be her departure. Unlike the former that only takes hours, this takes eternity. The thought of not having her be part of the next step I was going to take, her smell not part of the air I breathe, her voice not part of the sound I hear is heartbreaking.

It’s first time for me to experience the truest power of memory. Over time, I took memory’s power for granted. Now, it’s the only link I have with Nanay. I see her every day, every time or whenever I want to see her – crystal clear. The only trouble is that I not only see the good ones, but the pitiful ones as well. Once in a while, her image in her last days appear. Don’t get me wrong, neither good nor bad memories, I am not willing to erase. It’s not me holding on to the past and not moving on. That’s me conceptualizing afterlife. Unlike before that I denied the existence of afterlife, now I embrace it but at a different point of view. To me, afterlife is not a proper noun where people worship an idea their whole life and keep on living at a better place after they die. Afterlife to me is the imaginary projection of man after death through memories. It’s not interactive by itself, but fully controlled by the host’s mind – my mind. Nanay is surely in the afterlife that is my memory.

I’m not grieving for Nanay’s death. I celebrate it because she no longer has to deal with the pain that life results. She is now a void – free from anything.

The election of Cory gave birth to a massive political corruption. Her death gave rise to political entertainment.

I was reading Philippine Star’s Editorial section and came across an article linking all presidentiables but Noynoy to the Marcos Regime. I think Noynoy is a worthy nominee, but making up something to outcast him from the dirty past of Marcos’ dictatorship is uneducated and malicious. Claiming that the People’s Power unhinged the grasp of the US control of the Philippines yields misinformation. The US only allowed to oust Marcos so that they can manipulate the country in another way. Cory’s election actually opened up opportunities for more [and easy] corruption. Corruption is a tool created by  The best example would be the administration of her follower, Fidel Ramos.

When Cory died, Mar gave way and nominated Noynoy for President. Then hell broke lose. The entertainment industry made it look like the country is owned by the Aquinos. Fashion joined the bandwagon as well. It’s frustrating because the media are now bias towards who to advertise.

It is sided. The 2010 election is sided. The idiots trying to be smartasses increase, thus freedom decrease.

It’s been a while since I’ve stayed longer in the Philippines. It’s been a while since I felt this lazy summer breeze. I’m not adjusting. I’m secluded, still. I’m in a place where I should be. The thought of returning to the place where I don’t belong lingers and it’s what bores me. If I could, I would retire now. No, not here, but to the place where I was born and spent half of my life.

Never to come back to New York is fine with me. Should I act on it?

I’m currently aboard a 14-hour flight from New York to Incheon, South Korea – my stopover to the Philippines. The first couple of hours was very rocky. I almost puked, but luckily I was able to hold it in. It was a first time for me to feel like throwing up in the plane. But then again, it was the first time flight where I felt the plane going down. It was rough.

The flight is not full and I have plenty of seats for me so I was able to sleep around aimlessly during the flight. It doesn’t matter if I have the row solely for me, sleeping in the plane is not as comfy as sleeping on the couch. At first I couldn’t sleep upright because I was trying to hold in my puke, so I was in a breach position. I wasn’t even able to eat my first meal (a dinner) properly because my stomach was pushing the food up. When the flight went sailing smoothly, only then that I was able to sleep upright and eat my breakfast properly.

I’m taking Korean Airlines and I haven’t taken this fleet for about a decade now. I wasn’t into Kdramas then, so I wasn’t well versed with their culture and whatnot. Now I’m in a stage where I can experience even a tiny bit of what I only see in dramas. Don’t get me wrong, I had plenty of Korean friends in college, but the reality of their culture is not apparent there. Here I get to hear announcements in Hanguek, listen to their music which I adore, and most of all understand what they are saying or doing first hand – not completely understand of course, but I can make out a few phrases here and there.

Anyway, I’m signing off now as we have less than 3 hours to touchdown and I’m going low on battery…and mother nature calls ;)

If it be your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your will

An excerpt from the lyrical genius of Leonard Cohen. This verse is as captivating as it can be. Intended to be a prayer, but I find use to it.

In a sense, I kind of live by this ethos. I’m only talkative at work because it’s too boring if we all keep quiet. Though I admit it’s a bit too noisy most of the time. If anyone has interacted with me, I’m not a conversationalist. I will answer questions as if I answer fill-in-the-blanks. I hate small talks because they are too uninteresting. If you want me to rant my mouth without limits, we have to have an uber interesting topic between us.

What counts, relationship through blood or relationship through experience?

I ask this question, not because I’m in the situation, but because it’s valid. Let’s say that there are two families, A and B. One family has two sons, A1 and A2. The other family has one son B1. A1 is 1 year older than A2 & B2. Families A & B are mortal enemies. However, at birth A2 & B1 were switched by Person X without either families knowing. When A1 was 10, he saw that Family B killed their parents and vowed to take revenge.

Twenty years later, both A1 & B1 who are now living as brothers are both successful and are set to ruin anyone that has to do with Family B (that includes A2 of course). Family B is equally successful. In the process, A1 hurts A2 and parents of Family B hurts B1, not lethally of course. Furthermore, Person X reveals the truth to both families.

Let’s take an assumption that the sins of Family B to Family A cannot be forgiven. If you were to meditate the story, will you allow A1 to continue with the revenge and in the process hurt A2, B1 continue on with the revenge against his blood family, A2 to defend and retaliate and in the process hurt A1, and finally the parents of Family B to do the same which and hurt B1 in the process?

I myself has no definite answer to this query, but I am leaning towards favoring experience. Nobody can turn back time and the moments shared by people are too precious. Memories linger, matters don’t. A2 could be as well dead as far as A1 is concerned and vice-versa.

In my meditation, I would finish the story by completing the revenge without A1 and B1 feeling remorse. They’ve shared a connection – a bond that cannot be unbound.

Family is not defined by the parents and children. Family is a close and unique bond between people. Such bond can only be created through shared experiences. conventionally, this bond develops in a blood relation because they become together as soon as the children are born. So basically, a family is a collection of very close bondage.

Case 1:

Boy A & Girl A are children of Parent A. Girl A is 1 year younger than Boy A. They don’t look alike.
Parent X fosters Boy A 1 year after birth.
Parent Y fosters Girl A 1 day after birth.
Parent A – died after the mother gave birth to Girl A. There is no known relative.

Situation:
25 years later, Boy A & Girl A met, fell in love, and got married. Their blood relationship is never revealed; not even in death.

Will you consider this incest?

After reading Dan Brown’s latest novel, The Lost Symbol, I was itching to come out and say — I disagree.

I disagree that we are gods. The book concluded that the second coming is the time when we finally realize our godly traits — that we can design reality and not just merely reacting to it. I’m not disagreeing because it’s a classic heretic claim from Brown. I disagree because a god needs worshipers. If we are all gods, then who would be worshiping?

It has been a while since my last post…and my first sentences have been this way. I’ve started my blog about our weekend, but too lazy to finish it off.

Everyone’s back. The vacationers have come home. Reality for them has kicked in. Now it’s my turn to plan our next trip.

This time around, I’m pushing for another cross-country on AmTrack. Driving is so much of a hassle, but that’s not the main reason why I want to go on train hopping to central US. I want to concentrate on Frances during our travel and commuting would pose the best possibility for me to do so. Furthermore,I’d also like to experience unpredicted troubles we could face during commute (i.e. delays).

There’s also a plan of going to Alberta — Edmonton and its neigboring cities. I also want to visit Saskatchewan, so we’ll see if that’s possible if we ever decide a Canadian cross-country.

The trip may come a month or two from now, giving us enough time to decide and save. Whatever the decision may be,I’m pretty sure to post that here.