Gong Fudad, the household’s largest supplier of father
related goods and services, reported net bedtimes of 7:45, netting 15 minutes
below expected bedtime, or 2 minutes per share, compared with a loss of 10
minutes the night before.  Gong Fu Dad
also reported later than expected work nights and a reduced overall quality
time with the kids  resulting in a lower
overall consumer confidence rating and causing investors and kids to look
elsewhere for parenting services.  Super
Mom Inc (SMOM) stocks were up +5.00 on the news.

Kids go through phases. Sometimes they prefer you and
sometimes your wife.   Kids can be fickle,
just like Wall Street.  On Wall Street
it’s earnings, competition, interest rates, product quality and P/E ratios. On Doll Street or Ball Street it’s bedtimes, snacks, toys, activities and timeout ratios.  Your kids take all of these variables into
account and though they probably cannot explain their little subconscious
reasoning, they gravitate toward one parent or the other.  Now your stock may still be a strong
investment as a stock, but your wife’s may be experiencing ridiculous growth
because she has been taking the kids on cool trips (+.84), feeding them their
favorite foods (+.45) and because they’ve been on very good behavior and
generally easy to get along with, they have not been sent to timeout (+.35).  She is probably rewarding them often for
their good behavior (+.22) resulting in a very strong stock. 

You can also perform well on one market and not the other.  If your stock is high on Ball Street because you have been playing trains with your son(+.75) or playing catch with him in the yard (+1.00) every night and your daughter is not into that, you can experience long term gains on Doll Street by participating in a tea party (+2.00) or playing dress-up (+3.25). The more you take these opportunities seriously and the more regularly you participate in them, the more likely your stock is going to be a long term winner.  Remember also that discipline is also helpful for a stock. Not disciplining your kids will result in long term losses. Just be careful not to overdiscipline with excessive force. That is a long term loser as well.

When you’re working late (-.40), working at home and ignoring them (-1.10),
short with the kids from work stress (-2.00) or you hang out with the guys
instead of with them (-3.25) your stock is going to plummet.  The good news is that the market is usually pretty
forgiving and you can turn around your performance by putting in a little extra
time with them.  This does not mean that
you need to artificially inflate your value with candy, soda and buying them
toys. These have short term affects on your stock, but I can assure you that
spending time with your kids will result in steady long term gains. Good luck
in the market noodads!

PERINEUM
Noodad Definition: To put it bluntly, it is the skin between the vagina and the rectum.
Why You Need To Know It: Because it is the part of the mother"s body that can tear during vaginal childbirth, because massaging that area prior to birth can help with the tearing, and because I"m sure you would like any excuse to massage that area.

BLOODY SHOW
Noodad Definition: This does not refer to the latest Wes Craven movie. This is the term for a small amount of vaginal bleeding that typically precedes labor.
Why You Need To Know It: Because it is scary as hell and you need to not freak out when it happens.

HOAGIE
Noodad Definition: Besides the Philadelphia area term for an italian sub sandwich, some recovery room nurses consider a "hoagie" as a stack of items used to heal the vaginal area post-birth. It typically consists of a large maxipad, ice pack, vaseline, and Tucks medicated pads held together by an adult diaper.
Why You Need To Know It: Because, if you go through a vaginal birth, your wife will need it after you go home and you may need to buy supplies. After the birth of my daughter, I was forced to go to CVS with a list that included: maxipads, vaseline, Tucks pads, and adult diapers. If I can save another one of you noodads from that awkward checkout process, I will. Do yourself a favor and have your wife buy the stuff prebirth.

MUCUS PLUG
Noodad Definition: The clear or slightly pink cork that blocks bacteria from entering the cervix.
Why You Need To Know It: Because it means, the cervix is dilating and it"s almost time for the kid to come.

DILATION
Noodad Definition: The amount the cervix has opened. When the cervix dilates to 10cm, it is called "fully dilated" and it is time to push.
Why You Need To Know It: Because the doctor will be fingering your wife and then telling you a number. You should know what that number means.

EFFACEMENT
Noodad Definition: The thinning of the cervix. You need to be 100% effaced and fully dilated before the pushing can start.
Why You Need To Know It: Because you could hear that doctor say that she is fully dilated and you need to know to ask about the effacement before you get your hopes up about pushing.

EPISIOTOMY
Noodad Definition: An incision made to the perineum during vaginal childbirth. This is done to prevent tearing of the area.
Why You Need To Know It: The doctor may take a knife to the last area of her body you want to see a knife. Pretty self-explanatory.

Good luck noodads. You more experienced guys, please add to the list by posting comments below.

Of course you can go to restaurants, but, like anything else with your bundles of pure chaos, it requires careful planning.

Agree to split the duties – Even though your wife, girlfriend or life partner makes taking care of the offspring look as easy as drinking a beer, it is probably causing her some internal strain. Inside, she is feeling pressure to eat and get out before the kids decide to ransack the joint with their special noise cluster bombs.  Make sure you take responsibility for some part of the meal.  Feed them, get them their crayons and color with them, feed them, supervise them, feed them, get them their sippy cup, feed them… By now you should see where you can score the most points.

Pick a family friendly restaurant. – Face it, you’re not going to The Maisonette or L’Espalier unless your last name is Pitt and you can afford to fence the whole place off.  Louder restaurants work in your favor.  It also helps to get to know the owner and the staff.  Be very nice to them and tip a little extra if your little one makes a large mess.  I can not count the number of times my 1 year old has decided to coat the floor at our favorite Korean place with rice.  Sure, I clean up some of it, but sticky rice on the floor seems to repel their power.

Poodad – Know your exits in the event of a poodad.  If there is no changing table, excuse yourself to the car to change them. Also consider doing this if the restroom is near any tables.  Remember, all poodad in restaurants is considered an emergency. In a restaurant, there is no difference between one of those little pinball sized easy cleaners and a full-on, running-up-their-back, coming-through-their-onesie, head-for-the-hills, code red, mud bath poodad.  The worst thing you can do is ruin another person’s dining experience with your kid’s dirty business.

Always get your kids settled before doing anything. Once I went to dim sum with my family and a couple of friends.  Dim sum is great for kids because it’s usually really loud and there is a lot of variety (Just make sure they don’t have any allergies before going, You don’t always know what you’re eating. This is part of the fun.) Anyway, the carts were coming fast and furious and I didn’t want to miss out on any of the hot, steamed buns. They seem to only come around once per dim sum experience no matter how long I stay.  I started ordering before I got the two kids fully situated, leaving the lion’s share of the work for my wife.  She was pretty good about it, but it really put a lot of stress on her because she wasn’t felling that great and I had promised that I would help with the kids.  I lost points that day.

Have a conversation with them first. – If your kid is over 2, let them know your expectations several hours before you go. You don’t need to be stern, just talk to them. The top two are: We don’t get out of our seat. We use our inside voices. Then, when they inevitably try one of the two, you just repeat yourself in a very serious, but gentle voice.  Soon, the kids will be telling you what they’re supposed to be doing.  Also, tell them that you are going someplace special to eat and that they will have things to do. Tell them what they will eat. Preparing your little camper in advance for experiences takes a lot of the stress out of the situation for them.  They will think it is cool and even if they do not fully understand you, this is part of their restaurant training. Remember, it’s about routine. They love that.

Go early – You need to get them to bed by ~7:30-8 anyway, so do yourself a favor and get there before the rush.  I’m not saying to dine with the seniors at 4:30, but going early means parking is easier, waiting for a table is non-existent, and the food will come out faster.

The diaper bag – Don’t forget it. Prepare for anything.

Diversions, diversions, diversions – You need to pack a bag of toys and activities.  Nothing loud. Crayons and coloring books, small toys they don’t see a lot and books will do the trick. Sometimes the restaurant will have kid placemats and crayons. Take advantage of this. Don’t let them color on the menu.

Bring food for them – Eating out is for you.  Prepare things they like to take with you in small containers.  Bring little snacks like wagon wheels and, for angelic behavior or dire situations, lollipops for the ~3 and up crowd. Noodad also recommends those placemats that stick to the table.  A plate looks just like a discus to the 2 and under crowd.

Watch them around the hot stuff – The waitperson isn’t always looking out for your little buckaroo.  They have no idea that they have the reach of Inspector Gadget, so be prepared for inappropriate food, glass or utensil placement.

Timing – You probably do not have more than an hour to get in, eat and get out.  If you stay longer and your kid starts to melt down, it is probably your fault.

fOodad sez “enjoy your night out!”

Calling it the Terrible two slash threes, just didn”t roll off the tongue. So the good people who name these things must have decided, given the choice, to warn people at the earliest possible time. Thus the name, Terrible 2.

Millions of people look forward to their kid”s 3rd birthday hoping, that as they blow out the candles on their cake, out goes the demons that took over their 2 year old bodies. That just doesn”t happen. The tantrums continue, the different ways your child can contradict you grows, and the Time Outs increase.

When my daughter turned three, I felt like I lost my excuse for her behavior. She wasn”t 2 anymore so clearly it couldn”t be the terrible 2s! I was wrong. Noodads, you just need to know that even though your kids have grown older, and their vocabulary has grown larger, their behavior has not grown as quickly. So don”t just think your kid is a brat. Your kid is just figuring out what it means to be mobile, how to deal with being able to communicate, and how to deal with feelings.

So how do you solve it? You don”t. You stay consistent in your methods of discipline. You clearly communicate results of their bad behavior and you follow through with the punishment. Remember, you have as much experience with tantrums as your child does. For every time your kid throws one, you have dealt with it. Just stay the course.

Good luck Noodads.

Good Cop/Bad Cop is the name for when one person yells, threatens, and berates a subject, and then their teammate plays nice and tries to appear compassionate. Eventually, the suspect will give in to one of the approaches (each appearing extreme in contrast with one another) and the task is completed.

Good Cop/Bad Cop makes for some very interesting drama. And no doubt.in some cases, it work in law enforcement. Well, noodads, it also works in parenting and disciplining your kids.

Frequently, the time will come when your kid does something…I dunno, makes  herself throw up because she doesn't want to eat her vegetables (true story) and action needs to be taken. That action needs to be done swiftly and sternly. But if you pull out the Good Cop/Bad Cop move, who should be who? You or your wife?

{mosnooad}It is not in your best interest to assign permanent roles for you and your wife. In this scenario, one of you will always be the bad cop and that will not be fair. The fear that the bad cop will lose favor over time by your kids is a real one. Don't fall into the trap.

A discussion should be had (preferably before the Terrible Twos Stage) about how to deal with self-regurgitating toddlers and other acts of insubordination.

When it comes to our kids, my wife and I have learned to go with the flow. In some situations, I will jump up and immediately shift into Bad Cop role and, sensing this, my wife will then follow up with the good cop role. We stay in these roles until a time out is served, a mess is cleaned up, an apology is made, etc. So what happens after that? Let Noodad be your guide.

First Offense:
It's a toss up. You or your wife should assume a role and the other should go along with the other role. If you pull the Good Cop card then you are Good Cop until the incident is resolved to you and your partner's satisfaction.

Second Offense (Same Incident):
This is when your kid, after gaining back favor for the first offense, goes back and does the same thing again soon thereafter. Resume previously determined GC/BC roles.

Second Offense (Different Incident):
This is when your kid, after gaining favor for the first offense, goes and does something different, but equally offensive. It's a toss up: feel free to change roles.

Second Offense (Same Incident within 3 days):
This is when your kid, after gaining back favor for the first offense, goes back and does the same thing again within 3 days of the first offense. Resume previously determined GC/BC roles of first offense and use words like, "Sweetie, like I told you yesterday, this is unacceptable!"

Second Offense (Same Incident after 3 days):
This is when your kid, after gaining back favor for the first offense, goes back and does the same thing again after 3 days of the first offense. It's a toss up: feel free to change roles.

Isn't role playing fun? The most important thing to remember, noodads, is stay consistent within the incident. If you initially come down hard on the poor kid and then change your tune with hugs and kisses before the incident is resolved, they will walk all over your inconsistent pansy ass for the rest of your life.

Once the incident is resolved, you should make sure they understand it is their actions not them as your kid that makes you mad. This is especially true when you pack your angry eyes for that particular incident.

Good luck noodads.

This past rainy, New England,
Columbus day,
we decided to get a jump on this year's Christmas shopping.  After brief stops at the craft store, the
shoe warehouse and Marshall’s,
we landed at the “Worlds Biggest Toy store”, Toys R Us.

After about 30 minutes in the place, I noticed a disturbing
trend.  Nearly all of the toys have some
kind of button that makes it talk, plays a song or causes some kind of
movement.  After extrapolation of all possible
outcomes, I was gripped by fear. My fear was that if I continued to buy my kids
the toys that they like, they are never going to have to use their imaginations
the way that I did as a kid.

Come on! That fact that I had to make the sound effects when
Sideswipe and Sunstreaker transformed really built character.  I was responsible for the afterburners on my
COBRA Rattler. And if I wanted a backup beeping sound on my backhoe loader, I
beeped. 
 

I even saw something one step shy of a real light saber today
(complete with idle hum and 119 dollar price tag).  Sure this was exactly what I dreamed about
every night between ages 7 and last night, but would actually having it been
better than wanting it? Does it take some of the shine off of the fantasy? 
 

I am either jealous that my kids will have stuff that I
always dreamed of, or I am a grouchy old
in-my-day-we-walked-ten-miles-up-hill-in-the-snow-barefoot-both-ways coot.
Maybe it is a little of both and maybe the fact that they do not have to worry
about using their imagination the way that I did opens them up to use it in
ways that I could not imagine.  I am not
sure if this is typical old-man-sour-grapes because my kids toys are cooler
than mine were or if maybe my dad had some of these same feelings, but
yesterday I had a thought that gave me a newfound sense of clarity and quelled
my fears for now.  All I need to do is
wait until the batteries run out of the toys and see if my kids still play with
them.  If they find enjoyment in them
without the sound affects, then their imaginations are intact and better than I
give them credit for. 

{youtube}jOHg23lf6yI{/youtube}

I will start by explaining it here and then if you like, you can me demonstrate on the next page how to and how not to dry a baby. In coming weeks, we will return to Noodad Labs and enlist the help of stunt babies like Baby Alex to show you a good way to accomplish daily kid care tasks. Remember, the “How Not To”s are strictly that. Do not try these at home. Our stunt babies are here to demonstrate the perils of fumbling through fatherhood with no guide so that you do not have to!

When drying a baby, first star by putting the towel on your shoulder. Remember that the baby is very small and sensitive so you do not want to keep his or her skin exposed to the cold air for very long. Pick them up out of the sink or tub gently and place them on your shoulder. Keep one hand under their bottom and use the other handle to wrap them in the towel. You score some bonus points if you can actually get their head wrapped up like a Jawa.

Yet no one ever seems to talk about it. In fact, my wife and I would
never have known it if our kid's pediatrician didn't tell us. So why
the secrecy? Probably because no one has the balls to reveal the
secret. I am proud to announce that my balls are fully loaded. Here's
how to perform the only anti-crying maneuver you will ever need.

Step One:
Pick up crying subject

Step Two:
Put your left hand behind the crying subject's neck with the subject
facing you. This puts your thumb on the right hand side of their neck.

Step Three:
Put your right hand and grip the subject in their right inner thigh so that your thumb is pointing towards the belly button.

{youtube}NDdLLzRkrq4{/youtube}Step Four:
Lift the subject with both hands in a shoveling motion. And poof! No more crying. Now see the move in action here .

I don't know why
it works only that it does works. And let's be honest, that's all you
will care about too. Anyone else have fool-proof techniques to stop a
crying baby? 

That can be really stressful—juggling
concentration at work with concentration on your needy wife and
soon-to-be kid. Guess what? Get used to it. Because once that baby
comes, you will be stressed out about that all the time. But I digress:
that's a different article.

Because you are basically "on call", you need to be prepared. You need
to be ready and able to pull a Superman at a moment's notice. That
means change out of your Clark Kent garb into different clothes ready
to save the day. Us men always have the need to don a Mr. Fix It hat.
(For you female readers, know that we can't help it)

Even if you have already packed your labor bag, there are a few more details to take care of.

POINT PERSON (WORK)
If you are willing and able to take paternity leave, you have already
alerted your boss, the human resources department, and your staff of
your impending time off. But when you receive the call, you won't have
time to track everyone down to tell them, "Now is the time." You need
to have a point person—a single point of contact who will relay any
important information. If you don't have one yet, get one immediately
and know all of their contact info.

{mosnooad}POINT PERSON (FAMILY&FRIENDS)
For your life outside of work, you will need to also have a point
person to contact immediately. This person typically plays a bigger
role in the process. They may be the ones watching your other kids
during labor, or the one that mobilizes the support troops to the
house. Regardless of role, you need to know their contact info.

WARDROBE CHANGE
I don't know of too many people who can say they are most comfortable
in their work clothes. You do not want to be spending 10 plus hours
huffing and puffing in a  $2000 Armani suit. Or a $200 Men's
Wearhouse special. Make sure you have an emergency outfit in your
office. This should include comfortable shoes, extra socks, and
comfortable layered clothing.

AVOID TRIPS
If you are able to, avoid business trips anytime between week 30 and the due date. (pretty self-explanatory I think)

KNOW THE PLAN
Your wife, when she is in labor, will not be terribly bright. They may
sound intelligent, they may even kick your ass at Scrabble while they
are in labor. But they will not be rational or detail-oriented. Make
sure you know the plan of attack from every angle leading up tot he big
day. For example:

If you take the train to work in the city and the hospital is in the
city and your wife is at home, what happens when she goes into labor?
Do you take the train back to home? Do you meet her at the hospital? Do
you cab it home? Does your point person drive her to the hospital?

Know the plan. (And make sure she knows it too)

POWER
I'm not talking about your own power. One thing witnessing the birth of
your kid will teach you is you are truly powerless compared to the
miracle you just witnessed. I'm talking about something a little more
tactical. I'm talking about chargers and batteries. If you leave
directly from work to the hospital, there is a chance you won't be home
for a couple of days. This means you should have chargers and batteries
for your cell phone, your digital camera, and your computer. The last
thing you want is your camera bugging out right before the birth. Or
your cell phone kicking out before you can tell the good news.

You guys are almost there. WIth a few more bits of planning, you will be ready to go at a moment's notice. Good luck noodads.