no one will read my blog

Fix my blog

2007-06-15T23:53:00.001-04:00

Now I remember the other reason I quit blogging. My fucking layout is so screwed. I just spend the last two and a half hours tweaking it, and it still isn't right, and I give up. At least you can read it. Unless, of course, you're using Internet Explorer, in which case the sidebar doesn't show up. I don't know why. Maybe it's because your browser sucks? You're missing out. If you can fix it, let me know how, because I'm not willing to relearn all this crap right now. Hell, I never really learned it in the first place. I have no idea where some of the crap in my CSS code came from, honestly. Once upon a time, it just fucking worked, by some act of god. Maybe it's blogger's fault? Who cares.

Hello! Umm...hello?

2007-06-15T21:11:00.000-04:00

OK, before you say anything, I know it's been a long time. A really, really long time. I don't know what you expect me to say, but I've had other shit on my mind lately. The truth is, I should have been blogging all along. The reason I quit was because someone that I didn't really want to read my blog stumbled across it "by accident" and humiliated me over it. It was wrong, and overall, I would say detrimental to my well being. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Even though I'm writing for an audience of one, myself, the fact that it is public for anyone else to see makes this therapeutic. I think maybe it's because when I'm writing for everyone(and no one), I'm not trying to fool myself. My agenda changes from focusing on the way something feels, to describing what that something is, and that often leads to me feeling a different way about it. For that reason, there are a lot of drafts that I will probably never post, because I can't write more than a couple of paragraphs before my whole perspective on that subject goes through some kind of shift and I'd have to start over for it to make any kind of sense. Does that make any sense? Oh well, who cares. I've wasted a lot of time lately.
I'd say a lot has changed since I last talked to ya, but in truth, I have no idea. A lot has happened, but whether any of it is significant or not will have to be the subject of another post. I don't even know if I have what it takes anymore. What if all my future posts come out as incoherent rants about some minor event in my life? I guess then I would know that nothing much has changed within me. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'll have to re-read my old posts and get back to you on that one. On second though, that sounds horrifying. I seem to recall some rather sophomoric posts about my political views and some acidic diatribes about my past. The past couple of years have mellowed me out a little. Or have they? How the fuck should I know. That's why I'm here. This is my chance at rediscovery, I suppose. Hope you like it. If you don't, suck my balls.

Happy Belated New Year, Everybody

2006-01-03T15:06:00.000-05:00

It's 2006! Hope everyone is having a great year so far. I didn't even bother making a resolution. I probably should have, though, because my resolution from last year worked, more or less. 2005 was a year of getting my shit together. There is still shit to get together, but some order of contentedness has returned to my life. It's hard to believe the decade is half over already, but I'm optimistic about the rest of it, for some reason.

I have been really bad about posting, in case you didn't notice, which I'm quite sure you have, but, hey...fuck off. Sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm posting now, aren't I? Just because I forget sometimes that I have a blog doesn't mean that I've given up on it. I just don't have a whole lot to get off my chest these days. And my muse must have died(probably of boredom), because my inspiration to write seems to have flown the coop.

It's not that I'm uninspired...I'm just inspired in a different direction right now. My compass for that sort of thing is sort of wobbly, however, so it'll take me some time to figure out what it's trying to point to, I think.

I still haven't said anything, have I? Am I rambling? Do I always ramble? Am I doing it again? Is there a point to any of this?

I'm working on updating the Xbox modification article I wrote a few posts back. I recently went through a huge hassle of physically removing the hard drive from my xbox, and plugging into my PC. It's kind of cool that it's even possible to it, but I could have totally fried my Xbox if I wasn't careful. I'm not sure exactly what happened to cause my Xbox to crash, but it can be prevented with proper precautions. Read more about it in a little while on the updated "Build a media center PC for $150(or so)" post.

Just when things were getting good...

2005-11-21T18:57:00.000-05:00

This has been, by far, the worst day of the year for me. I've been sitting home alone all day, with no one to talk to. My roommate is, shall we say, incapacitated for who knows how long. That is, unless I can come up with $50,000 to bail him out of jail, where he's being held for something, and I don't even know what!

This totally blows. Not only is he one of my best friends, but he's really the only person here in Louisville that I can count on. I miss him a lot, and I worry about him constantly. Who am I going to go out clubbing with now? Who's going to be my moral support? Who's going to send all the girls I think are cute my way? This dude has been there for me in a way that only a handful of people in my life have ever been there for me. I love him like a brother. I wouldn't be where I'm at today if it weren't for him, and right now I need him more than ever, and I can't even talk to him. I know his problems are way worse than mine right now, and that just makes it even harder. That fucker just made me lose a contact. Yes, I'm crying like a little bitch right now.

I feel like my life just got ripped out from under me. I'm gonna have to find a new roommate, but I don't think I'll be able to find anyone who can afford our place. I'm gonna have to move, and start over again, and that just fucking kills me. A week ago I was telling my Mom how I've never been happier with the way things were going for me. Everything felt like it was coming together, and I was so grateful! And now I just feel like I'm going to lose it all, and I'm miserable, and lonely. I need to talk to someone, and no one is answering their phone or calling me back. I'm always everyone elses shoulder to cry on, and now I need a fucking shoulder. It hurts me to the core to know that people I care about only think of me as a fairweather friend.

OK. That's all. This isn't helping.

2005-11-20T22:34:00.000-05:00

OK. I'm gonna tell you something, but you've got to promise not to laugh. I just became a vegetarian. It's not a spiritual or moral thing, or me showing a more sensitive side. It's not a plea to save the animals, or the enviroment, or to stop world hunger, either. It's not that they are bad reasons, in fact they're a motivating factor for this decision of mine.

I've got a few vegetarian friends. I used to pick on them, saying "Humans are built to be omnivores," or worse, "If we're not supposed to eat meat, then how come this steak tastes so goddamned good?" Well, someone convinced me to give it a shot. I was planning on being kind of half-hearted about the whole thing, and eventually lapse back into eating meat.

I had all these preconceptions about vegetarians being treehugging wimps who couldn't handle the thought of an animal dying to feed them. I thought it couldn't possibly be as healthy as eating vegetables and meat. And, after all, aren't these animals bred specifically to feed us? I realized that I had opinions, but no evidence to back it up. I was ignorant on the matter. So, I read into it.

I read that it takes 17 pounds of edible plant material to produce one pound of meat. Meaning, if everyone were a vegetarian, we'd have 17 times the amount of food to eat, which would practically solve the world hunger problem on it's own. Not that I expect that to happen. I'm a realist, not a moron. I also read that 40% of South American rainforests have been destroyed in order to make pastures for cattle, and that 400 million acres of topsoil are lost each year due to erosion solely from livestock pastures. That's a lot of land lost forever, just for some fucking burgers.

I also found out that although we have the teeth of animals that ought to be omnivores, we don't have the digestive tract to match. Carnivorous and omnivorous animals typically have a short digestive tract, so that meat is expelled before it has the chance to putrify and release toxins into the blood stream. Well, as it turns out, we have a rather long digestive tract, which is intended to slowly absorb nutrients as food passes through the body, a system ordinarily found animals with strictly vegetarian diets.

But what got me the most was a list of famous vegetarians. Of course, it listed a lot of celebrities who are vegetarian, like Moby and Alicia Silverstone. It also listed a lot of people I wouldn't expect, such as Weird "Al" Yankovich, Hank Aaron, and Michael Jackson. I don't idolize celebrities. My idols are long dead: Socrates, Buddha, Da Vinci, the people we should really look up to. Well, guess who's names were on the list? Yup. All of the above. Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, and Thomas Edison, too. Virtually all of the minds that I respect the most were on the list of vegetarians. There has got to be something to that.

So, I'm going to give it a serious try. So far, it's been pretty easy. I hardly ever ate beef to begin with, except for an occasional hamburger. I never cared much for pork. I will definitely miss seafood, shrimp in particular, although it was a pretty occasional thing for me anyway. Chicken is going to the hardest, since it's always kind of been a staple for me.

Hehe...that's two things I've quit in a month. What's next?

2005-11-08T20:43:00.000-05:00

It's my seventh day sober. I feel normal, or about as close to normal as I get. I really thought it would be worse than this. I thought I'd be moodier, but really I think I'm a bit more stable. I have a whole lot more energy, and feel more "in tune". My attention span seems broader, and my memory seems to be on its way back to normal. I'm surprised at how much it has affected my sleeping habits. I'm in bed earlier, and have been waking up without the help of an alarm clock, which has never happened before. I recall probably 5 times as much detail from my dreams as before, which is great, except I've been getting memories from my dreams mixed up with memories from real life. Sort of confusing.

On the negative side of things, I'm a lot more anxious these days. I'm hoping it will pass, but I dunno. I think a lot of it stems from boredom. I really need a new hobby, but I've been feeling sort of apathetic towards any potential prospects. The closest thing to a new hobby I have found is getting drunk more often, which is not exactly how I would like to resolve my problems. Maybe it's time for me to get a chick.

I've been thinking a lot about going back to school, and it's beginning to seem more and more appealing. It's something to do other than work and sit in this chair check slashdot.org umpteen times a day. I'm still pretty clueless as to what I want to go to school for. Maybe being sober will help me get back in touch with the things that I am good at. I guess we'll see.

Anyhow, I apologize for this remarkably dull and humorless post. Ah, who cares. I get about 2 hits a week on my blog these days, and I'm not surprised or concerned about it. But, if you're reading this far, I appreciate it and hope that you'll check out some of my higher-quality posts. LOL

Drugs Are Really Enticing - The Final Chapter?

2005-11-02T22:55:00.000-05:00

I remember reading in a textbook during D.A.R.E. classes in elementary school that marijuana is not an addictive drug, and that it has no withdrawal symptoms. And for the last ten years or so, I've never seen marijuana as a threat to my health, and have smoked it accordingly. No...I have smoked it in more than just mere accordance. I smoked it with reverence. I smoked it with passion. I smoked it a lot.

I bring this up because it has been about 21 hours since I last smoked, and I am definitely feeling withdrawal symptoms. It was all I could do to get off the couch and walk all of 10 feet to the computer. I'm tense. I'm irritable. I'm tired. I'm restless. And, as enthusiastic as I was about quitting when I took my last hit, now I'm fighting this internal war over whether it was a mistake or not.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I've been stoned for so long that I forgot what it was like to go through a whole day sober. It has proved to suck. I try to think about how much money I'll save by not smoking, then I think to myself "What else are you going to do with that $50 in your wallet? Besides, you get paid on Friday." Part of me says that's absurd, and the rest of me thinks I should do it just to spite the lamer part.

Fucking sobriety...

So anyway...expect more lucid(and hopefully less pissy) posts from me in the coming days.

Build a Media Center PC for $150(or so)

2005-09-30T19:57:00.000-04:00

This is gonna be a more technical post, to those of you who may have read my blog before. But, if you have an XBox, or want a media center PC for your home theater setup, and don't want to spend a ton of cash, keep reading.

You won't find the killer application for the XBox at EBGames, or Best Buy. You won't find it at your local import shop, either. In fact, I'm pretty sure it crosses a lot of legal boundaries. But man, is it amazing! And it's totally free. Well, sort of.

It's called XBox Media Center, or XBMC for short. It's an open source program with a TON of features. It can play your DVDs(with or without the Xbox remote control), your CD's, your Picture CD's, and is capable of accessing all of the Samba shares on your home network, so you don't fill up the measley 8GB Xbox hard drive.

The only downside to the program is that it requires a modified Xbox in order to run the program. There are basically two routes you can take in order to accomplish this. You can buy what is called a modchip, which requires taking apart your Xbox, and adding a chip to the motherboard that will bypass the Microsoft proprietary BIOS, and thus allowing you to run an alternative BIOS that won't require programs to be "signed". The newest generation of modchips are feature packed and supposedly a cinch to install. You do however risk totally frying your XBox.

However, there is a simpler, not to mention cheaper, method of modifying your XBox. It's called softmodding, and it's really pretty ingenious how it works. There are a few XBox games out there that have bugs in them that will allow you run arbitrary code with a properly designed game save file. In my case, I used 007 - Agent Under Fire. It is a horrible game, fortunately, so you should be able to find it used and very cheap. You want to get the original version, not the XBox Classics version(or whatever it's called). If it's unavailabe, try MechAssault or Splinter Cell. I haven't used either, but there is information out there that will get you to step 2. While you're at the game store, pick up an Action Replay for the XBox. I got one for $20, and the game for $10 at EBGames about a year ago, so I doubt it's any more expensive or any cheaper now. You might want to pick up a second XBox while you're at it. Just in case =) I've heard that it's possible to make a USB pen drive function like a memory card, but I haven't tried that yet, but I did get a pen drive for Christmas. So, if I try it out, I'll let you know how it's done.

Step 1-
Download a good FTP client(I hear FlashFXP works well for you Windows users), and a good IRC Client(mIRC is probably the most popular for windows). Start up mIRC(or whatever client floats your boat. I recommend BitchX), and connect to an EFNet server, such as irc.efnet.net, and join the #xbins channel. Now, go ahead and start up FlashFXP. We only have a limited time to connect to the FTP server, so go ahead and have it ready to go. You're going to be connecting to ftp://distributions.xbins.org, with your IRC nickname as the username and the password is emulation. Don't hit the connect button just yet, though. Go back to the #xbins channel and type "/msg xbins !list", and it will send you back a message telling you all the connection details I just described, so just go back to your FTP Client and connect.

Navigate to the /XBOX/exploits/_Packages/UXE Auto Installer 007-MA-SC/ directory, and download the UXE_Installer_007_FINAL_Adoubeur.rar. Go ahead and browse around, if you like, and download whatever sounds cool. There are a ton of emulators for various consoles, and some cool applications like a web browser for your XBox. You can play with all that later, though. The 007 file your downloaded is basically a file that's structured just like an XBox save game, in particular one designed in order to exploit a glitch in the way that 007 reads save game files, boots a fake bios, and allows you to run unsigned programs, in our case, a pseudo-dashboard which will allow us to install UnleashX as a more permanent dashboard. You'll need to have your action replay plugged in(with the memory card, of course), and have the software for it installed on your PC and ready to go. You're basically just transferring the handcrafted fake save game to the card, which you will in turn insert into your Xbox controller. Unrar the file you downloaded from xbins, and drag and drop the AgentUnder_BONDAUF.zip

Install BitTorrent if you aren't using it already. It allows you to download huge files pretty quickly. In this case, we're downloading a less than huge file, a precompiled version of XBox Media Center. Go to XBox-Sky and find a relatively recent copy of XBMC. I'm using the 10-12-05 version, but the project has been cranking out releases like mad lately. Get whatever is seeded best. It should amount to a pretty quick download, and will almost certainly be done by the time you have made it through the next step. Once it's done, go ahead and unzip it into it's own folder. XBMC would be a good folder name, but it's up to you. Open up the XboxMediaCenter.xml file in your text editor of choice, and make any appropriate changes. You'll be able to do this later, if you want.

Step 2-
If you don't already have your XBox hooked up to your home network, go ahead and do that. You do have a router, right? If not, you'll need an ethernet crossover cable. You can buy one, or sacrifice an old cable. Go ahead and pop in your memory card, with the fancy save game, and start up 007 - Agent Under Fire. Don't waste time playing the game- it is no GoldenEye. At least it was cheap. Tap buttons repeatedly, if you like, or wait patiently for the game to tell you to Press Start. Load a mission, and choose to load a game from your memory card. The screen will blank, but don't worry, because BAM! The screen should be showing the application embedded in your save game file. What's that? It's in French? Vous ne parlez pas francais? Damnit, do you want me to hold your hand? You could probably figure it out yourself, but OK. You should be seeing an oddly childish looking menu screen with the first option listed as "Backup fichiers system". Go ahead and do this. It will backup your xbox's c-drive to e:\Backup(on the xbox, not your PC). The next option should say "Backup de l'eeprom". Go ahead and do this too. I can tell you from experience that you won't regret it. This will take you to a different program, but it's still in French. Choose the "Backup de l'eeprom" option again. Look, you've made the program happy. Next, Choose the "Retour au menu principal." It means "return to the main menu", you dumbass. After a brief pause, you'll be back into the blue and purple ugly screen. Wait a second, and it ought to tell you what your Xbox version is right below the options(in black text). Burn that number into your brain, or just reference it again in a second. There are two options you can choose from. One says "Installer UXE sur Xbox 1.0a to 1.5", the other says "Installer UXE sur Xbox 1.6". Guess which you need based on the number you saw earlier. If you have a later version, I honestly don't know if you are shit out of luck or not. Sorry. Anyway, that will install UXE, and everything should be good to go.

Load up FlashFXP and connect to your Xbox. I believe the exploit defaults to 192.168.0.7, so connect to that with the username as xbox and password as xbox. Navigate to the E/Backup/ and download everything in there.

Take out the game, and restart your XBox. It should now start up with a new dashboard, instead of the old XBox one, which you won't miss, but are free to access at any time. Congratulations! Your XBox is now softmodded. But we're not done.

Now, go back to your PC and fire up your FTP client again. Connect to the IP address for your XBox, using xbox as the username AND the password.Navigate to the /E/ folder, and create a new folder called xbmc. Transfer the contents of the XBMC folder, you created earlier into the apps directory.

Restart your Xbox. You should now be able to open XBox Media Center through your dashboard. Sweet. Play around with it. Pop in a DVD or a real CD, not a burned one. It should play just fine. If you have the advanced or hidef a/v kits for the XBox, you should have surround sound enabled, and you are able to play around with your HDTV resolutions if applicable. It comes with some killer visualations, like MilkDrop, which you might have seen with WinAmp. XBMC is totally skinnable(as are most other homebrew XBox applications), but the new default skin is pretty sufficient.

Now, you can edit your XBoxMediaCenter.xml file to access and Windows shares you have, or you can install any XBMC compatible file server onto your PC and share files that way as well. I like to use BitTorrent to download entire albums or movies, and set my PC up to share those with my Xbox, and it works like a charm. XBMC can look up album reviews, movie reviews, download Album and DVD covers. You can install various scripts to access various ShoutCast stations, or to watch media on sites like iFilms. I can spend all day playing with it.

Step 3-
You can either leave XBMC as it is, or you can configure it to load up right away when you turn on your XBox without a disk in it. You'll need to back up the HackDash.xbe file in /E/Systeme/Dashboard/ folder folder, and so go ahead and download that. Now move the default.xbe file from your /E/xbmc/ folder to the /E/Systeme/Dashboard/ folder, and rename it to HackDash.xbe. Load up your XboxMediaCenter.xml file, and edit the tag to match the path to your XBMC folder, ie E/xbmc/, and move that file into the /E/Systeme/Dashboard/ folder. Restart your Xbox, and voila! You've got your very own Media Center PC.

Rob Nixon- The man and the legend

2005-09-24T00:00:00.000-04:00

Writing is harder than I remember it being. I can't seem to finish a post. I think that I'm probably burnt-out. I've made a commitment to quit smoking pot on November 1st. It's going to be rough at first, but it's something that needs to be done, I think. My short-memory is shot to shit these days, the past week is just a blur. Nothing stands out anymore...it's all just part of this intoxicated haze I've been under for years. I think I'm capable of more than getting stoned and serving tables at a country club. I'm an intelligent guy, with great ideas. I want to create things. Lots of things. I want to write a book. I want to make a video game. I want to make a great album.

I want to be a contributor. I'm not contributing shit to anyone right now. I go to work and do my good deeds, playing the role. It's rewarding in the same sort of way that telling a lie is rewarding. I want people to look back at my life when I'm gone, and say "Rob Nixon is a legend." It's a lofty goal, but do you think Leonardo Da Vinci earned his reputation by setting easily obtainable goals? Hell no. He was willing to whatever it takes to get the job done. And that's something I lack right now- willpower, and part of it is just a facet of my personality, and the other part is the all the blood in my body being totally saturated with THC.

I don't think quitting is going to be a magic cure-all for my retarded movitation, but it's as good a start as anything else I can think of. I'm going to take the money that I would have spent on pot, and start spending on things that will empower me instead of exhaust me. I've got my eyes on a nice weight bench. I used to be way into lifting weights. There is just something about envisioning that all your problems are encapsulated in those weights falling onto your chest, and imagining that if you can just shove them off, everything will be OK. It was how I handled my aggression, and it worked. I didn't smoke pot at the time because I didn't feel like I had to numb any aspect of myself for the first time. I spent most of my money at the time on food and supplements. I was healthy, and looked the part. I had confidence in my strength and appearance, and felt like I had the world in my hands. It would be nice to be able to feel even a fraction of that again.

Errr....Hi There

2005-09-18T23:09:00.000-04:00

Yes, I realize that it has been a really, really long time since I've written anything. As I mentioned in my last post, I got fired from my job at the time, and well...it's kind of hard to pay bills without money. Debt is a bitch.

Anyway, a lot has happened in the past 6 months.

Since I last talked to you, I had a month long relationship with a girl who turned out to be pregnant before I had even met her, went through two jobs, smoked pounds of marijuana, found out that another exgirlfriend of mine is pregnant, and...that's about it.

So, ummmm... right. It's good to be back. I have missed my blog, which I treat as therapy, almost. I've missed the internet in general, for that matter. If any of my readers still check to see if I've updated, this post is NOT an anomaly. I'm not going anywhere for a while, if I can help it.

Why I'm Home on a Sunday Night

2005-03-13T15:11:00.000-05:00

This just hasn't been my weekend. All week I've been stressing out over how much I have to work. I haven't had a day off since last Thursday, and it would have been Tuesday before I had another day off. Well, thanks to me running off at the mouth, I've got a few days off. In fact, I have an indeterminate amount of time to myself. What I'm trying to say here is that I got fired for calling my boss an asshole to his face.

I worked for Macaroni Grill for a little over a year. It's been a pretty good year, I made a lot of new friends and got really good at serving. I got along with just about everyone, management included. So, I'm actually really surprised that I lost my job. But I knew yesterday when my boss looked like he was about to pull his non-existant hair out of his head that I had pressed a couple of the wrong buttons. I was trying to get him to do my cashout(restaurant speak for turning in all your checks and giving or receiving cash), as I was already half an hour into the dinner shift and I was supposed to be back on at 3:00pm. The clock read 3:24. He told me that I hadn't been cut yet, and I was trying to explain to him that I knew that, but that I was needed on the floor to take tables, and needed to cashout so I could change shifts. As I was trying to explain this to him, he started to walk away, presumably to yell at the hostesses for cutting me, which they didn't, so I tried to get his attention.

Do not try this at work- "Hey Brian! Quit being an asshole and cash me out." As soon as the words exited my mouth, it was like a needle falling off a record. My boss, Brian, stopped dead in his tracks, spun around, and walked right up to me.

"What did you just call me?," he demanded, his newly shaven head turning a vibrant shade of violet. This is a man who is literally twice my size, a former Air Force bitch, who is obviously pretty upset with me all of a sudden. As much as I hate to admit it, I was a little intimidated.

"Brian, don't worry about it. I'm just trying to get my work done here," I tried to reason with him. I wasn't trying to get myself in trouble, I just wanted to make some cash and be done with it. I've talked myself out of this kind of stuff before, but he looked more than a little pissed.

"What did you say, Robert?"

Crap. He wasn't going to let this one slide. I could try to be witty and make a joke out of it, but something told me that wasn't going to work, either. "Brian, I said you were being an asshole."

"Clock out, and I'll talk to you in a second."

Shit! This was about to be the third day in a row that I've been pulled into the office for something. I knew I was on my last leg. There was nothing I could do but sit there and wait to hear what he had to say. Little did I know that a chain reaction was already starting. Immediately after Brian and I exchanged words, a text message was sent to a manager four states away, a friend of mine, who in turn contacted another manager, a friend of mine, who then called up Brian saying that he can't fire me. I didn't know about that until I started writing this paragraph, though.

Anyway, Brian pulled me into the office a few minutes later. He looked flustered. Maybe he was wondering if he could afford to lose one of his best servers, but all that he said was "I can't have you calling me an asshole in front of other team members. I can't make a decision right now, because I don't want to. Just clock out, and go home. We'll talk about it tomorrow."

Could have been worse. I got the night off, and I was hopeful that when he calmed down he wouldn't think much of it, and I would get a write up at most. I got home, and right away, the phone started ringing. I looked at the clock, and it wasn't even 4:00pm yet. Less than an hour had elapsed, and people that I don't even work with were calling me to find out what had happened. This thing was already blown way out of proportion, which had me a bit worried. I made some plans to go out, had a glass of wine, talked to an "old friend", and took a nap. Might as well enjoy having an unexpected Saturday night off.

I went out and had a great time. For once, I wasn't driving, so I was down for anything. I went to a kegger for the first time in a looong time. It was like being in college again, except I know a lot more now that I did back them. I brought along a half gallon jug of Dead Guy Ale, and set myself loose around the party. It was a good one- 3 DJ's spinning some good music, a couple of guys freestyling, and a chill crowd. The house was incredible, too. Somebody put a lot of work into it's layout, some century or two back. I got my drunk on, met a couple of cool people, and ended the night with a big slice of Spinelli's pizza. Work was the last thing on my mind, and I got a good night's sleep.

I woke up today, ready to find out about my whole job situation. I was still trying to keep the job, so I got myself into perfect uniform. Bought a new tie, even. But alas, it was not meant to be. The second I walked in the door, people started to talk. And there was Brian, beckoning me from across the restaurant. He didn't look like he was happy to see me. I went into the office with him and another manager. There it was, on the desk...my termination papers.

"I'm gonna let you go, Rob," Brian said. I could tell that he had been thinking about what he wanted to say. "I know you were having a rough shift, but you can't just can't call me an asshole." I grinned, just a little. I couldn't help myself. I looked at the other manager, and she was grinning too. Brian could be an asshole, and everyone knew that. "It wouldn't even have been a big deal, but you said it in front of other team members, and they've been talking about it." So if he caved in and let me keep my job, he lost the battle. As a general manager, he feels that he has to keep the upper hand in situations like this, or else lose respect. In truth, no one has much respect for him in the first place. But I understood his reasoning.

"You know what, Brian? You're right. I was way out of line. I get what you're saying, now where do I sign?," and yes, I aware that it rhymed. I signed my Macaroni Grill termination papers for the second time in my life, and handed over my books and apron. Brian offered a good reference, and I shook and his hand and thanked him. If I was going to burn bridges at Macaroni Grill, I was going to do it right.

I left peacefully, and told a few people that I would miss working with them. I wanted to tell everyone, because I really will miss them. Brian didn't want people talking about this anymore than they already were, and he saw me talking to them as a threat to his shift. He said "Rob, I'm sorry, but you have to go." It was a bit weird. This place was kind of like my second home, one I loved and hated to come to, and here I was being asked to leave. So, I did.

And that brings me up to the present time. The phone is ringing off the hook, and in fact, I'm about to go straight back up to the Grill and smoke a fat blunt with a couple of my people.

Woooo. That was good. I shot the shit a little outside of my former place of employment, and it was obvious that people that were going to miss me, and I was about as overwhelmed as I can be after smoking a blizzie.

So that was, like the saying goes, that. I'm an unemployed man. Temporarily, anyway. My roommate has probably landed me a new job already, but I guess I'll find that out on Tuesday. I'll hunt around tomorrow for another restaurant job, hopefully something a little more fine-dining than Macaroni Grill. For tonight, I'm going to enjoy my first weekend off in over a year. I've got to pretend that I'm absolutely broke, because I'm pretty damned close. If all goes as planned, I'll be going out for free tonight, anyway. I'm getting my crew together, and we're gonna have a good time celebrating my 'freedom'.

Fun with matches

2005-03-07T17:07:00.000-05:00

You know you have entered a zone of some sort when you realize that you've been staring at a candle for 20 minutes. Here is something I like to do sometimes, usually when there is absolutely no one around, and it is almost silent, so that the only thing that I can hear is my breath.

Materials Used:

A candle
A wall with glossy paint(the glossier the better), of whatever color fits your mood.

Light the candle, and set it on the floor in front of your wall. Sit down in a comfortable position with your back straight. You want to have your body positioned so that your line of sight is dividing the illuminated area in half. In other words, sit down right smack in front of the wall(but don't burn yourself). Now, look at the flame. No, it won't hurt you. You may see an afterimage for a couple minutes afterwards, but this just means that the photoreceptors in that part of your retina are fatigued. They just need to rest for a sec and they will be OK, I promise. Unless you botch lighting the candle or putting out the candle, you will not be injured. That being said, if, by some horrifying act of God, you are under the age of 13(or forbidden by law not to play with fire), please ask for a responsible adult's permission(and preferably supervision) before you go starting fires all over the place. no one will read my blog is not responsible for any damages to property or individuals, ever.

Close your eyes and take a few deep, slow breaths through your nostrils. If you have allergies and/or have trouble breathing through your nose, try starting off by breathing in very gently, and gradually increasing the force as you inhale. That works for me, anyway. With each inhalation, realize that you are breathing in fuel, and with each exhalation, you are breathing out the waste. Try to make each breath as long as possible, but without making you feel like you are depriving yourself of oxygen. The idea is to get your breath into a comfortable, relaxing rhythm. The best way to do that is to pretend that your lungs are like a bucket. Let the air enter the bottom of your lungs first, and then it will fill up like a balloon. The exhalation should be like a balloon slowly deflating. You want the exhalation to last about as long as the inhalation. After a few more breaths the timing will come a little more naturally. Feeling sleepy? Good. You can open your eyes now, but keep the deep breathing thing. Your head may have slumped a bit, so slowly lift it back up so that your back is straight. Oooooh...pretty fire. Now, what if you had the ability to control that flame with your breath? Try to breath so smoothly that the flame becomes still. You want to be one with flame. It is a visual representation of your breath. Just keep breathing.

If you can keep your attention on nothing but your breath, while simultaneouly watching the flame, you are on the right track. If your attention wanders, gently guide it back to the breath. If you get bored with it, give it up, and pat yourself on the back. You probably feel pretty damned good, or at least better than you did before you sat down. If you keep at it, you may reach a meditative state. You might have already, for that matter.

Anyways, I doubt anyone will ever try it, but I don't care. It works wonders for me, I did it about an hour and a half ago, and I still feel charged up. I just got a call from the girl that I alluded to in the past couple of posts. I feel stupid for ever getting upset about Friday nights events, as it all amounted to nothing in the end. So...I'm about to go out in a minute here, and I don't intend to come home tonight =).

Guess who's back?

2005-03-05T17:32:00.000-05:00

OK. I am MUCH better off than I was first thing this morning when I posted that last entry. It's funny how the slightest realization can make you do a 180. I went over to a friends house and smoked a nice blunt, and I was still fuming. Then I started playing EA Sports Fight Night Round 2, which is an awesome game on the PlayStation 2. I originally thought it would be a good channel for my anger, but really, it was a great distraction from my anger. Really fun game. Anyway, that cheered me up a little, so I went for a drive. I started trying to piece together last nights drunken escapades, and realized that what it all boils down to is this- I whooped a couple of peoples ass in Asshole(a card game in which egos are shattered and livers are destroyed). They started getting stupid, and I was pissed because all I wanted was for homedude to go home so I could take homegirl upstairs. No big deal, really. In fact, it works out better this way.

It's Saturday. I don't have to work, I've got some fresh salmon filets marinating in the fridge, and a couple bottles of Gabbiano Pinot Grigio in the fridge. The house is already clean, all I've to do for the rest of the night is cook a good meal, drink some good wine, watch a good movie, and get some good sleep. Still pimpin' it.

Mind Over Matter

2005-02-24T00:03:00.000-05:00

The power of the will is mighty. I think a lot of people underestimate the gains that can be had by not merely wishing, but by willing them into existence. The difference is subtle, but I will try to explain. A wish is equivalent to a shallow 'want'. "I wish I had a new car," or "I wish I had a better job," are simply weak declarations of your current status of driving a P.O.S., and holding down a job that you hate. But when your desires are not shallow, and are truly heartfelt, that is when The Might of the Will comes into action.

I am as guilty as the next guy for wishing for shit that I don't deserve. Being human, I see something that I like, and I want it. It's instinctual. But if I can't have it, I am being counterproductive for even giving it a second thought. If, however, what I want is immaterial, a product of mind stuff(versus matter stuff), then it is easily obtainable. I learned this trick when I was a kid- If I say to myself "I want to know this stuff," and then completely focus my attention on something else, I could think back to the something else and recall the important facts from whatever. The subconscious is that freaking awesome. Here is a rather bizarre specific example- To this very day, when I play Duke Nukem(the first one!), I can distinctly recall an episode of a show whose name I can't even remember, but it was on FOX, and it had animatronic dinosaurs, it may have been called "Dinosaurs". I am straying from the point- I was playing Duke Nukem when the show came on, and I wanted to watch it, but I was having too much fun killing aliens, so I 'watched it in the background', knowing that the next time I played Duke Nukem I would be able to watch the fully realized copy in my minds eye. It is weird, but that is how my memory works.

Here is an example everyone can probably relate to- You are midsentence when you can't remember a word or a name, it just isn't coming to you. You can think of some words that are like the word you are thinking of, but not the right word. You think about it and think about it until eventually, your focus is shifted to something else, and for the time being, you forget about remembering the word. Then, like a bolt of lightning, it comes to you. Sometimes, it's hours later, sometimes it's days or minutes. But it seems like it always comes like a shot in the dark, like your brain saying "Hey! You know that word we were thinking about? Well, I ran my search program, and it finally found it. You wouldn't believe where I found it, either...," but you probably know the drill.

I learn just about everything 'passively', as I call it. It is handy. I am getting really good at it, too. Nowadays, instead of involving myself in a material task in order to passively pick up my facts, I meditate. None of that fancy humming with my legs crossed, sitting half-naked on a pillow. It's not that I don't meditate like that sometimes, but it doesn't always have to be like that. But I have found that by concentrating on my current state of mind, I can easily recall information, or even a state of mind, just by 'feeling' the way I did when I set the intention to absorb it. This probably all sounds crazy to you people, but you can do it too. Maybe I'll write a motivational book about it someday, and charge thousands of dollars to speak at self-help seminars. There I go, wishing.

Sometimes it's like planting a seed(the seed being will), giving it time to take root, then marvelling at the way it blossoms. I am currently going through one of these more profound experiences. I touched upon this in a previous post. It has been weeks in the making, but it has been worth it. I had this brilliant idea of connecting my will to have confidence with the feeling that I get from exercising. That way, I am combining two very positive(and much needed) forces together, which already go hand in hand to some extent, just reinforced by willpower. Last night was a telling result- I went to Have a Nice Day Cafe, where I proceeded to dance(and drink) heavily. And, for once, I didn't give a shit if people were watching me dance. Hell, I wanted them to watch me dance. The confidence was working it's way out through me getting my groove on, and it was an awesome feeling, which has been persistent throughout today. I'm going to the gym in the morning, to pump up my muscles and my sense of self-worth, and I already know I'll be ready to seize the day.

The moral to all this is that the mind is eager to pick up on new skills, attitudes, states of consciousness, and it doesn't have to be hard. Put aside your desire for wordly wealth, and aspire for intellectual wealth, and you will go much farther.

"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."

--Buddha

This coming from a professional waiter...

2005-02-21T15:32:00.000-05:00

I am the worst blogger ever. It has been a really long time since I've posted anything. I've got a few rough drafts of posts saved away, but I haven't said anything worth saying in a while. So, hang in there. Inspiration will come when I have ceased to be busy.

I blame Cary, NC for everything.

2005-02-11T15:28:00.000-05:00

I have not posted in a while, and I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? Thanks. I knew I could count on you. Life has been...unusual for me lately. I have been out-of-sorts, but not in a bad way. I've been kind of sick for almost a week now, but I'm feeling a lot better now. Still hacking shit up, but it seems to be passing.

I have been on a drinking binge these past few days. I'm exaggerating a tad- I have gone out and drank the past few nights with friends. I went to a club on Tuesday, which will probably surprise a least a couple of my readers. And, for the first time in a long time, I had fun! I danced, and not by myself! Hehe... I forgot how awesome dancing with sweaty girls is! I wasn't sitting around, shooting the breeze, judging everyone I see. I was out getting wasted with some new kids(my age) at work who wanted to see me loosen up some. They suceeded immensely.

For those of you might not know, I can be a really, really... reserved person. It takes me a long time to 'warm up' to certain people, and with other types of people(usually the ones that I know right from the start that I won't like), I put on a front. I play a character. It sounds kind of pathological, but it's just my way of getting along with people that I ordinarily wouldn't. I don't make a lot of real friends. I have(and have always had) a few really good friends, and then I have acquintances- People that I like, but I just don't connect with enough to hang out with them, which I've realized is a ridiculous way of looking at things. It is a snobby way to be, and right now my friendships with a few people here are on shaky ground(not bad terms- job changes, people moving, and the like). So I've felt a need to let down my guard and open up to people.

So far, it has been surprisingly easy, like a barrier that has just been biding it's time until some kid gives it a swift kick and it crumbles to dust. I have connected with several people in the past weeks that I probably would not have let myself connect with in the past. For me, that is a drastic move. I can be a judgemental prick, and in the past I have been unapologetic for it. Well, here it is- I am sorry about my prior snobbery. I am not such an awesome person that you should have to be similar to me for me to like you. It wasn't too long ago that I was a chubby dork. Hell, I'm a skinny geek now, so who am I to judge?

*huge sigh*

That feels better. I've needed to put myself in my place for years. Maybe my chronic suburbanism had finally subsided. When you grow up in a town like Cary, North Carolina(a suburb of Raleigh), it's hard not to hate everyone that crosses your path. I don't know what it is about those people, but something about them always rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it was the way that people who I've known for years don't even acknowledge my presence in the company of the 'popular' clique. Or the way that I had to find the few people in the whole artificial town that were real people, not trying to conform to any cliques standards in order to make friends. Cary High School was like joining a fraternity, at least in my class. When I heard about the shit that went down at Columbine, my very first thought was that it could have been Cary. The atmosphere the kids described seemed very familiar. I didn't let it get under my skin, but I still have a lot of resent for some of those people. After 13 years of living there, there are maybe 10 people that I even think about on a regular basis, and only two that I keep in touch with- Dave and Angela. 13 years, two friends accumulated. There were more along the way, but those two are in the select few along the way who did not fuck me over in some way, shape, or form. They are awesome people.

People in Louisville, Kentucky- my limited scope of it- are not like Cary-ites(as they call themselves). They are much more accepting, and just plain friendlier. I fit in here, and it's a new feeling for me. I honestly used to think I was a person who just couldn't be at home anywhere, but I do sort of feel at home here, at least for the time being.

So anyway, yeah, I've turned a new leaf, and I'm happy about it. I'm going out tonight with some chicks from work, it should be fun. Who knows, maybe I'll have a story to post when I get home!

Accelerating Returns

2005-02-03T19:17:00.000-05:00

I recently made the switch for Linux, for the umpteenth time. I love the whole idea behind it, which, for those of you who may not know, is that it is a free operating system. You can legally install it without ever paying a cent. Not only that, but there is a ton of free software available for it. There is a Linux equivalent to just about every Windows program out there, and it's all a lot better than the 'freeware' idea for Windows. When I first read about Linux in some message forum or magazine or wherever, I thought it was a good idea, but I figured it would flop like communism. I installed it for the first time in '95, I'm guessing(God...10 years ago. Crazy), and I wasn't really all that impressed. It didn't have support for the high-end PC I was using back in those days...parts of which I am still using, sadly enough(Donations of computer parts will be accepted, btw. Email me =)! And in those days there wasn't a lot you could do with it. And it was a fucking bitch to configure. I never did the internet to work with my 33600 baud US Robotics Sportster modem. I gave up, and went back to DOS. Yes, ye ole Disk Operating System, so kindly stolen for us by the folks at Microsoft. If DOS had framebuffer support, I'd be using it now, though. On the other hand, no I wouldn't. It costs money, and I'm trying to avoid bad karma by kicking my warez addiction(as in pirated soft-warez...arrr) to the curb. Linux is awesome- The learning curve is high, compared to Windows, but it is worth the switch if you are up for the occasionally difficult installation. Right now I'm running Gentoo Linux on an 800mhz Duron processor, and it actually seems fast to me. Much faster than windows. And I can do everything with it that I was doing with Windows, only this time, I am doing it completely legally(as opposed to my collection of pirated goods of yestermonth). And did I mention it's free?

To sidetrack my incoherent ramblings, I checked the NYSE exchange today to see what Berkshire Hathaway(a holding company run by the stock market genuis Warren Buffet) stocks are trading at - $90,100 per share! Can you imagine if you were to have bought stock in Berkshire Hathaway 40 years ago, for fifty bucks a share? You could have bought a dozen shares for a few benjamins, and be a millionaire today. If there are any future Warren Buffets reading this, hook me up with a few tips! Please?

And on another totally unrelated note, I mentioned a while back that I was planning on buying a couple domains. Well, thanks to a generous offer from an old friend of mine(thanks again, Mark!), In a few days 'no one will read my blog's new home will he http://noonewillreadmyblog.blogspot.com. Expect a ton of changes in coming weeks. Also, since everyone lost interest in the collaborative story, I have decided to move it to a new medium. The whole idea sprouted from message forums, and thats where it's going to go. So look for http://noonesstory.com soon, too!

How to Play Guitar For Dummies Like You

2005-01-30T23:50:00.000-05:00

I got my first guitar when I was starting the 6th grade. It was a beat-up piece-of-shit acoustic guitar that I hope I never have to play again- a no-name guitar that my dad received when he was 8 years old. The strings sat literally half an inch above the fretboard, so I had to sit it in my lap and press down until my fingers bled just to make a clear sound. But, I kept at it, and my parents bought me a sweet Kramer electric guitar- perfect for attempting to play the Metallica and Megadeth licks I had learned. When I got big into grunge music, I traded that guitar for a Telecaster. I don't see the big deal with Tele's, though a lot of guitar players will probably dislike me for saying that.

I took lessons for a while, but I foolishly told my teacher that I didn't care about the theory, I just wanted to play some songs. I wasted years learning to play music by tablature, which only worsened after I got hooked up to the internet. Somewhere along the line I decided to ask for an acoustic guitar for Christmas. I got a cheap Ibanez Cimar. I loved the sound at first touch. The only problem was none of the songs I knew really 'fit' the tone of an acoustic. I had to expose myself to new music. I learned some Dave Matthews Band songs, and used to jam out with Dave, sometimes with another Dave. I fell into a DMB rut for a while, playing nothing but their songs for a while. I got pretty damned good at it, though. It's pretty hard. Eventually, I got bored with playing the same stuff all the time, and I put down the guitar. For a few months, I never touched a guitar.

A friend broke me out of my rut my introducing me to the music of Bela Fleck and the Flecktones. Immediately, I was hooked. I fell in love with the banjo, the bass, the bluegrass, the funk. If you've never heard them before, I highly recommend giving them a serious listening to. It is music that will engage your attention, whether you want it to or not. Seriously, Bela Fleck can make a crowded audience completely silent. He is the best banjo picker alive, if not the best ever. That opinion aside, I decided then and there that I wanted to be like him- I wanted to have total mastery of my instrument, and music in general. I picked up the acoustic again, and starting playing with a different intent.

I started to try different approaches towards playing. I would play a lot of wimpy one string melodies, trying in vain to unravel that mystery. I found something out- There is absolutely no discernible quality of science to melody- there is no formula for a good one. It was something that I had a really hard time getting my head around. I never saw myself as a creative person, I always viewed myself as a strictly left-brained person, for some reason. I thought that everything existed for a rational reason, easily explained by science, and I could almost always sort it out by logic alone. Now, here was something that I couldn't rely on some resource to tell me the answer, it had to come from within. I had to drop my guard, and contemplate the notion of faith. That realization was a turning point. An atheist for most of my life, I had to accept the idea that maybe there is a chance that God could explain things. I'm straying from my point- Melody is a bitch, and you will struggle to find logic at it's core. A good melody just is.

I began to explore harmony and rhythm, and learned to play well without a pick. I would write songs by noodling around until I stumbled on a melody that sounded good, then I would build on those notes, starting out playing the melody with simple chords until I found a rhythm that 'fit'. That is when the fun starts. The difference, to me, between good music and bad music is the amount of meaningful relationships between notes that you can incorporate into a song. I can't define what I mean by 'meaningful relationships between notes', as I don't know much about theory. I could feel it, though, and once that feeling set in, the idea of playing guitar receeded to my subconscious. It is something that baffles me- when I play guitar now, I no longer have to think to myself "I need to put these fingers here, and play these notes, in this order." When I'm playing, my fingers cease to be fingers and become automatons, as if they have an intelligence of their own, Sometimes when I watch them while I play, I can't believe that the dance they do is a product of my mind. But I know that the dance is really mine, because the fingers play whatever sound I will them to. I have read about people who internalize the playing process, it's quite common, but I didn't expect it to actually happen to me. I can't help but wonder if it might have something to do with my realization that God might be in control of more than I give him(her, it?) credit for.

It's been 12 years since I started to play guitar, and only in the past year or two have I felt that I'm at the skill level I should be at. I play, on average, about 2 hours a day. Some days it's more like 6 or 7 hours, other days it's just a few seconds, if at all. I never put it down without feeling like I have gained something. There are days when I am just in a groove and great music just happens, and there are days when inspiration just does not strike. I have taught myself a lot, and I am continually excited by the idea that I will never be able to know everything about it. Learn an instrument! It is fun and therapeutic, and you will be a better person because of it.

To any newbie musicians out there, I want to give a little advice-

Don't get stuck on theory. Music is expression, and you can know everything about music theory and still make music that sucks. Knowing some theory is probably a good thing, though.

Practice is important, but you can't force it. If you are playing and your attention is elsewhere, put the instrument down until you really want to play it again. You can improve your playing by playing half-heartedly, but you will be better off playing when you can focus on it.

Play with other people. You can learn a lot this way, both about the people and music.

Once you've learned a song, learn it again. Find different ways to play it, transpose it, play it with different rhythms, build off chords, arpeggiate, play with effects pedals, whatever. Just don't play it the same way twice, ever. You will be amazed at how far you can go while retaining the feel of the song.

Unless you are prodigal genius, it's going to be hard at first. At first might mean months, or it could be years(as it was for me), depending on the instrument and natural proclivity for music(if applicable =). Keep at it, and you will get good.

Learn to play within your limitations. I have crooked pinkies, and there are some stretches I just cannot make on the guitar, so I have to find another path. Music is flexible, and so are you.

Don't think about it too much. You will find that if you just let go and melt into the music, you will gain much more as a result.

This one sounds ridiculous, but it's important- Form a relationship with your instrument. Get to know it inside and out. Be familiar with it's tone, and explore ways to exploit it's uniqueness. Get in tune with it(no pun intended), and you will find that it does have a personality.

If you are planning on being in an orchestra some day, being able to sight read is necessary. If not, don't bother. Try to learn stuff by ear, and use sheet music or tablature as a last resort. And as for any sheet music or tablature you find online, be skeptical- 99% of it is wrong. Use it as a framework for figuring it out yourself rather than taking it as verbatim.

Most importantly - Be unorthodox. Fuck convention. Never let someone tell you that you have to play something a certain way, because I'm telling you right now, you can play it any way you like. You will never grasp music on a deeper level if you never reach that realization. It's what you make of it.

More Fun at Wal-Mart

2005-01-29T01:12:00.000-05:00

I went to Wal-Mart tonight to buy some stuff to make dinner, a recipe I totally ganked off the Food Network. As I was walking through the parking lot on my way in, an old man in a handicapped parking spot called to me to give him a hand. He was probably in his 90's, recently had a leg amputated, and his "good-for-nothing son" was out of town. I helped the guy get his motorized cart out of the back of his van, and that was that.

The actual obtainment of the ingredients for my delicious Chicken Chorizo Stoup(a cross between a soup and stew, it's stoupid), recipe courtesy of Rachel Ray, was uneventful. The real story comes into play in the Self-Checkout line- I happened to be behind a totally normal looking older man, in his early 60's, I would guess, who had in his cart a small trashcan(with a bag already in it), a couple of empty boxes, and an obviously used screwdriver. At first, I thought he might have been a maintenance guy doing some work on the machine. But, no, as I watched him, he pretended to scan each item. He then pulled a receipt out of his pocket, and pretended to take that from the receipt printer. No one(other than myself) gave him a second glace. The whole time he looked as though this is something he does everyday, and I wouldn't be surprised to find out that he does. I guess that's one way to cope with those psychosis-inducing U-Scan machines.

On the way back to my car, I witnessed an older lady parking in the fire lane, at least partially. The rest of her car was blocking an entire lane of traffic, and she had a line of people honking at her. Instead of, say, moving her car to an actual parking spot, she got out of her car and startd walking past the other cars shouting "Do you have a problem? Do you have a problem with the way I'm parked?"

So there you have it- In a 20 minute period, I was able to experience first hand the physically handicapped, the mentally handicapped, and the apparently emotionally handicapped. The whole thing got me to thinking of how I take my youth for granted. I won't be young forever, and it is important that I take care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally so that I won't become the old fogey relying on the kindness of strangers to get in and out of the grocery store, or the total nut-job who takes some sick sort of satisfaction from going through check-out lines.

Is this what our society is leading to? A nation where our elderly are left to fend for themselves, because Wal-mart is right down the friggin' road? Forget the nursing home for the 90 year old one legged man, we'll just let get install one of those motorized carts in his van and he'll be fine! At least until he realizes he's out of Depends at 9:00pm on a Friday night, and has to count on people like me to stand there with him for 15 minutes in 30 degree weather, ranting the whole time about the quality of his life. I definitely felt for the guy, but there is no fucking way I am going to let myself be in those shoes.

And that poor bastard in the check-out line. Sure, he's no threat to anyone, so who cares? Let him be insane and live off of social security. Who does this guy have around to keep himself in check? To get him to seek medical help? Probably no one, or no one competent enough to make him see that there is an issue with his behaviour. We live in society where responsibility for those less fortunate than ourselves is an option that virtually no one exercises. Is there no government agency where people like this guy can turn to free treatment?

I don't want to be a burden on my family, friends, or society as a whole when I get old. I want to have a comfortable savings to live off of, and have enough left over to afford whatever medical assistance I need. But I also want to be someone who contributes something, really contributes something meaningful to society, so that society will actually want to help me back. Here I am, planning out how I want to die. This is why I normally shop at Whole Foods instead of Wal-Mart =)

For now, I want to go eat more of this Chicken Chorizo Stoup. If you like hearty, spicy food thats easy as hell to make, check out that recipe above. It's delicious, and only takes about 45 minutes to prepare and cook. My declaration of my love for the Food Network will have to wait for another post, though.

And, folks, be sure to spay or neuter your elderly.

Chapter 2 - Mission Improbable

2005-01-15T01:55:00.000-05:00

A wave of nausea washed over Timothy Parker. His body was attempting to expel the 'sickness' that had lied dormant, just beneath the surface of his psyche, for so many years. He darted out of bed, clods of grass and dirt trailing behind him, and raced for the bathroom. As he purged his system of once delicious, now importunate Gummi Bears, Tim continually flashed back to the moment where he had 'lost control'. He tried to piece it all together, to make it fit, but could make no sense of it.

"Goddamnit! FUCK Bob! If only Jessica hadn't brought him into this. BOB! Why hast thou forsaken me?" Timmy lamented, as though Bob were a cruel God who had lain upon the earth a woman, for Tim's own delectation. Alas, for He is a weak God, and abandoned the helm of Timmy's fate to a dark, unseen hand. Tim's own pseudo-mystical delusions aside, Bob Buxtom was a mortal(and a handsome one, at that). Jessica Buxtom was his wife. 'The Queen of the Queen', Bob liked to tease, but unbeknownst to him, Timmy had adopted the same moniker for her. The title definitely suited her - her demeanor was that of a 'delicate dominatrix' in the way she handled business- Firm, but easy to scoop. Timmy had really thought he was going to get to sample some more of her Sweet Seduction^TM that night, too, right before she broke the bad news. That's when the 'Hand of God choked the shit out of her', as Timmy recalled it. He had been smart, about it, at least- No messy clean-up(God, how he hated to mop!). After draining her blood into an empty and conveniently sized ice cream tub, he came to, and the nightmarish act he had played out was reality. After a quick, yet thorough, removal of evidence, he carried her ethereally light body, which he once adored, to the backseat of his 'bitchin' 3000GT. He buried her in his friend Dave's backyard. He had full memory of the horrible act committed, but to remember it was like watching a psychopath slaughter a beautiful, helpless woman- through the slayer's eyes. Tim chose to block it out, as he sobbed uncontrollably between spasms of dry heaves.

A snap back to reality- 'I forgot to clock out!' Timmy's heart skipped a beat as he fully grasped the magnitude of that insufferably fortunate glimpse of his subconscious at work. He glanced at the clock, eyes still blurry from horking up the gelatenous ursidaic confections. It was still early. Working quickly, he sat at the computer and loaded a program he had designed for the times when he wanted to shut down the store early without anybody knowing. The program merely reads the scheduling database(which he designed as well, and was quite proud of), then compared it to the 'timeclock.log' file. After filtering out people who were scheduled but never punched in, the program then adjusts the Clock-In and Clock-Out for each individual that actually worked, and outputs the altered 'timeclock.log' with all the shifts 'corrected'. He even took into account the statistics for each individuals tardiness. Tim's teenaged co-workers loved working with him on a Friday night when he had plans, because that normally meant they got to go home an hour or so early and get paid for it. Tim made a quick adjustment in the source code of the program to correct the timestamp on the 'timeclock.log' file, so that it would seem unaltered. 'Jess would have never thought to look at that, but a forensics specialist certainly would', Timmy thought as he recompiled the source code into the complete hack, choking up at the memory of Jessica's helplessness with all things computer-oriented. He fought to stifle back the images, now. He had to save his own ass. He would mourn her death later.

Tim saved the necessary hacks onto his killer 1-Gigabyte USB pen drive, and raced out of the house.

As he sped obscenely towards the scene of the crime, Tim prayed that Bob hadn't noticed that Jessica never came home. He would have to operate in stealth mode. Tim knew the layout of the neighborhood like the back of his hand- this was not the first time he had snuck around this neck of the woods at 5:00am. It would be light soon, and Tim knew he had to work quick. He parked his car near a trail he knew in the woods that led directly into the Burger King parking lot, just a short sprint away from the loading dock door of the Dairy Queen. As he approached the Queen, he saw that she was barren. His heart was pounding like a Vinnie Paul drum solo, blooding boiling over with adrenaline. He paused for a split second at the sight of Jessica's brand-new Jag. 'I should probably do something about that when I'm done,' Tim noted to himself.

He maneuvered his way under the security camera outside the back door(the only camera on or in the entire building), and unlocked the door without a sound. As soon as the door was shut and locked, Timmy threw himself down the short hallway to Jessica's former office. He turned the knob, and it didn't budge.

"Goddamnit! I did not lock the fucking door!," Timmy hissed in a ferocious panic.

He snapped the door knob hard and to the right, and this time, it turned. An enormous sigh of relief escaped Timmy's nervous lips.

Jessica's office looked like it had never been touched. He plucked a few stray hairs out of the file cabinet drawers, against which he had stared down her sweet, soulful eyes without a shred of remorse. "No, that wasn't me. I was a man possessed," Timmy protested to no one. He popped his pen drive into Jessica's computer, and let it do it's binary magic while he checked around the store a bit. That was when he saw it - The tub of Jess' blood. How could have he been that careless? He ducked back into the office, and patted himself on the back for his 'elite hacker skills'. His program had worked perfectly. No one would ever know that Timmy had worked yesterday, the day that Jessica Buxton went missing. Certain now that he had elimated any trace of foul play, he snatched up the tub and headed out the way he came in. As he walking towards the door, the doorbell rang.

'Who the FUCK is that'? Timmy cautiously looked out of the industrial sized peephole.

'Shit! It's Bob! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...', Tim muttered under his now feeble breath. Bob was standing inches from the door, his eye up to the peephole. Suddenly, Bob's head jerked back, as if he had been startled.

'Did he see me'? Timmy had just crossed the treshhold from relatively composed(considering the circumstances) to scared shitless.

"Jess! Let me in! I know you're in there! Come on! It's 3 o'clock in the fucking morning, and I had to leave Nick home alone to figure where the Hell you were. Open the goddamned door, Jessica!" Bob was shouting at the top of his lungs.

'Shit! The cops will be here in no time if he doesn't shut up'. Acting upon an urge he could not rationalize, Timmy opened the door.

"Timmy! What are you...Are you fucking my wife?' Unbridled Incredulity sets the tone for the state of mind this threw Bob Buxtom into. 'This fucking kid...is here at 3AM...my wife's car is in the parking lot...this kid is dead meat'.

"What? No, don't be ridiculous. I was just uh...fixing the schedule. Woke up in the middle of the night worrying about it. Had to get over here and change some things before I could get back to bed, you know how it goes..." Tim was fearing for his very life, but he stood determined to try and play it cool and BS his way out of this. It would take a miracle.

"No, I don't know. Where the fuck is she?"

"Who, Jess? Why would she be here, it's 3-"

"Trust me, I know what time it is," Bob interjected sharply. "The funny thing is, if you look right behind me, you'll see her car. So, where did she go? Amazing coincidence that you would just happen to show up at 3am in the morning on the night that my fucking wife vanished into thin air?" Bob pulled a Beretta 9mm pistol out of the waist of his designer jeans. "Get inside."

Let's play a game.

2005-01-09T01:49:00.000-05:00

Back when I was a kid, I used to run a BBS, or Bulletin Board System, on my computer. This was back before the web, so back then a lot of computer nerds would call another computer over the phonelines(remember modems? =) and trade files, play games, and post messages. It was a lot of fun, and I miss it dearly. Global communication on the internet is phenomenal, but I miss the days where you could get to know a group of people with similar interests, in your area, without ever meeting them. I would spend literally hours calling various BBSes with names like 'the dead end','The Serpent's Twist', and 'the nocturnal me system'. There are a tons of others I feel like I should mention, but I think think those convey the overall tone of the BBS 'scene' as it was called. It was possible to get just about any file you wanted, free of charge. All they asked was for you to upload something else in return. BBS games were actually kind of fun, considering they were composed completely of text characters. There were thousands of artists making sometimes very beautiful art out of text characters, which to this day I attempt(and fail) to replicate. But the real fun was in the message bases. Most message bases were organized in a manner where you had several generic forum topics, and people would post until the discussion died, and then at some point somebody would jumpstart it again. Nowadays, it seems kind of quaint. Theres a great deal of nostalgia for me in it, however, and I wanted to post something as a tribute to it.

One of the message forums on my BBS(tv²,it was called) involved collaborative story-telling. I would post the first paragraph or so of a story, and then someone would reply with the next part, and so forth. I was always intrigued by how far off the evolving result is from how I imagined it would unfold. So, I want to try it here.

I'm going to start out a story for you all, and the next person to participate should continue, and the next person continues whereever he or she left off. It doesn't matter what you say. Get creative with it. It can be one word, if you want. Or a whole chapter. You'll have to read the comments, obviously, to continue the story. Whatever you do, don't end the damned story! Here goes:

Timmy couldn't stand it anymore. "A high school diploma should be worth more than this," he thought as he glared menacingly at the task in front of him, as he stood in the bathroom of the Dairy Queen where he was recently promoted to Assistant Manager. Not that the job didn't have it's pluses: All the chicken fingers and Blizzards he could eat, plus he got to boss around a bunch of high school kids. The pay was decent, in this neck of the woods. And his Boss was a MILF of the highest order. For the first time in a while, Timmy felt like he was going somewhere with his life. He was climbing the rungs of the Dairy Queen ladder. He liked the extra responsibilities involved, not to mention the authority. This, however, was a responsibility he would rather not have.

"How in the hell did I get myself into this mess?"

I'm not a quitter.

2005-01-02T02:29:00.000-05:00

New Years resolutions - Most of us make them, Some of us mean it, and Few of us succeed. I think the reason for that is most people aim too high and narrow with their goals: "I'm going to lose 50 pounds." Or: "I'm going to stop smoking." They seem like admirable goals, but both are extremely difficult to pull off without long-term dedication. I'm not saying it can't be done(It should be done!), but let's face it- those resolutions suck. At least at first, anyway. Depriving your body of something it has grown to consider sacred, whether it be food, cigarettes, or porn(or whatever your addictions are...you know you have them!), well...it just isn't fun. So this year I resolved to do something that has instant gratification with minimum deprivation.

My resolution is simple- I, BOB, resolve to 'get my fucking act together'. Straight, and to the point. But beware!, for in it's elegant simplicity lies it's power. It's so non-specific that I can accomplish it in a multitude of ways. Anything positive that I do, and would like to continue doing well, can be considered 'getting my fucking act together'. So far, it has been pretty easy. My act is so completely not together that it is hard to actually do much of anything without causing at least a slight improvement in my situation. It's like a basketball about to run out of steam, jittering fractions of an inch above the surface. All it takes is a good, quick slap, though, to get it going full force again. I'm hoping the analogy will hold true to my sorry act.

Thus far, it appears to be working. I really did get a lot done before and after work(until I sat down to write this stupid post!). I won't bore the world(no one) with the details, but it involves pecan squares and a couch. Seperately. Not exactly the kind of slap my act needs, but I feel better about it, and that's the whole point. And on that note, I'm gonna go get some nice, productive sleep.

Important News Flash

2004-12-30T14:24:00.000-05:00

Check it out! If you search for 'Bob Nixon needs Anger Management' on google, No One Will Read My Blog comes up as result #31 out of 17,000+, and the best part is(I'm actually lol-ing as I type this) the first line of text that Google displays for that result is "Or else, you know, I'll kill you. All I need now is military..."

I am so awesome.

To Put Things In Perspective...

2004-12-29T13:52:00.000-05:00

Well, people, the world just got a little bit smaller. And slightly faster! The recent earthquake in Asia forced two tectonic plates(I'm assuming the India Plate and the Eurasian Plate) to overlap up to 98 feet, and although an exact measure is not yet known, this will have an effect on the speed of the Earth's rotation. The earth is now spinning up to one-ten-thousandth of a second faster per day, or about 1 second every 28 years. It is also wobbling slightly more than usual, so if you get pulled over on New Years Eve, you can blame it on the Quake.

This thing was pretty major. There are some videos on the internet of the Tsunami hitting, and it is incredible. These people had no idea what was coming, as they don't usually experience tsunamis in those parts. Some of the videos are from tourists at resorts who see this huge mass of water coming to them, but have no idea how quickly things are about to change. It's hard to fathom, really. Imagine if that were to hit, say, the Atlantic coast of the Americas. where there is absolutely no warning system or emergency plan for tidal waves. You would be sitting on the balcony of your Holiday Inn SunSpree Beach Resort hotel room, dumbfounded by the 30 Foot wall of ocean coming your way. You would think to yourself "Wow, that's gonna make a big splash," and by the time it hits, and the water starts pounding the coast with enormous force, it's too late to get out. By the time your mind registers what's about to happen, you would be trapped. It could(would) happen.

My friend Dave says, "It didn't affect you. You don't know anyone who was killed. You have never been to any of these places. So why would you pay attention?" Note that Dave does not subscribe to this notion, he is making a point. The answer is simple, folks. You can choose to be ignorant, or you can choose to believe that this could(would) happen to you.

So, if you're ever on vacation at the beach, and you see a really fucking big wave, run. Run like you would if God were about to dump the ocean on your head, because that's pretty much what would happen.

Attention all Nerds

2004-12-28T14:28:00.000-05:00

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Warning - What you are about to read is of a nerdy nature. If such things offend your inferior intellect, please go away.
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The other day I stumbled across this. It is a project led by Universiteit Leiden and UC Berkeley. The aim of the project was to complete a work by Escher, Print Gallery using mathematics alone. The picture implies a twisted version of the Droste effect, where a picture features a picture of itself. Escher was a great mathematician(he never graduated high school), and he often used complicated grids to transpose a 'straight' drawing into a twisted version.

I'm not going to describe the process of how he did this or how the project completed the piece, because it is over my head. But it is still interesting to see pictures of the different steps they went through to achieve the final result(including a straightened out version of the original! Very cool.) If you have a good understanding of math, you'll probably appreciate the article they have linked(PDF format) that describes the whole process in great detail. And for those of us that don't understand the methodology, we can still be impressed with the result. The page also features some blowups of the completed picture, so that you can see how far in it goes.

I thought it was cool, anyway.