Norman Harper

There’s something wrong with your computer

Editor — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 06:00:10 +0000

Have you had a phone call lately from someone with a marginal grasp of English who is most concerned about problems you appear to be having with your computer? Usually this is an offer to sort out difficulties you are having with Microsoft products on your machine. For a fee, the caller offers (a) to [...]

Spik Doric : Lesson Nine

Editor — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 06:00:00 +0000

Shochle (verb, intransitive and transitive). To shuffle or shamble. Two syllables, with the CH pronounced as in “loch”, and the E superfluous. Another onomatopoeic word from Doric’s vast lexicon. Shochle applies mainly to older people who have lost full power in their legs. As with the English “shuffle”, they shochle round the house. “I feel [...]

Dode’s scare at the hospital

Editor — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 06:00:06 +0000

Wullie and Dode arrived at the village hospital in a taxi. Wullie helped his friend inside and sat with him as a doctor came to find out what was the problem. It took only a few seconds for the doctor to see that Dode was covered in red blotches, some of them weeping; his eyes [...]

The perils of the book signing

Editor — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 06:00:56 +0000

Books are not an easy sell these days. The British Retail Consortium has said that bookshops are one of the three types of store which are disappearing fastest from British town centres. Perhaps this is why authors are hearing from our agents and publishers that we need to do more to promote ourselves. The days of [...]

Lemon-poppyseed cupcakes

Editor — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 06:00:29 +0000

These lemon-poppyseed cupcakes are moist and tangy. We have included a recipe for lemon icing that complements them best, although the picture shows the cupcake uniced. In road-testing, more than half our samplers decided that the cupcakes worked better on their own. If we’re honest, we, too, prefer them without the icing. Iced cupcakes, whether [...]

Celebrate dreary Britain

Editor — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 06:00:28 +0000

I don’t often recommend books to other people. My tastes are not necessarily yours. I can’t help myself with this one, though. I wish I had had the flash of inspiration that made author Tim Moore write the brilliant You Are Awful (But I Like You). It’s a quirky travelogue round the dreariest and most depressing places [...]

Spik Doric : Lesson Eight

Editor — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 06:00:22 +0000

Nickum (noun). A mischievous boy. Pronounced exactly as it looks. The essence of being a true nickum is a complete lack of malice. A boy who is violent or who causes damage, upset or is wilfully insolent is not a nickum. There is a more appropriate Anglo-Saxon term for him. The nickum is mischievous, rather [...]

Trauma for Mr and Mrs Balloon

Editor — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 06:00:29 +0000

The Balloon family lived in a one-bedroom cottage on the edge of a wood somewhere up at the top end of Deeside: Daddy Balloon, Mummy Balloon and Little Boy Balloon. Because there was only one bedroom in the cottage, they all slept in a big bed. Daddy Balloon slept on one side. Mummy Balloon slept [...]

Downton or Upstairs Downstairs?

Editor — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 06:00:23 +0000

The second series of the BBC’s revised Upstairs Downstairs begins on Sunday evening and already TV critics are wondering if it will hold a candle to ITV’s Downton Abbey (above), which has sold round the world. Hold a candle to Downton Abbey? The BBC’s take on Upstairs Downstairs doesn’t even hold a candle to the [...]

Apple-Almond Dessert Cake

Editor — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 06:00:34 +0000

The beauty of this recipe is that the sharpness and texture of the apples combine with a denser sponge to produce a moist cake that is very moreish. You can leave off the flaked almonds if you like, but they add further texture, and the total effect is a cake that virtually begs to be [...]

Time to sober up cheap drunks

Editor — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 06:00:01 +0000

There is a hefty debate in Scotland at present about how to price alcohol. The SNP government has plans to introduce minimum pricing per unit of alcohol, probably in April, and probably set at 50p per unit. Predictably, this has upset the drinks industry and the pub trade; both of which, in best Private Frazer [...]

Spik Doric : Lesson Seven

Editor — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 06:00:33 +0000

Vratch (noun). A wretch, a tyke. Pronounced exactly as it looks. In English, wretch has two meanings: a miserably unfortunate individual or a despicable person. Doric’s version, “vratch” is applied almost without exception to the despicable person. There is an element of anger at, and disapproval of, the vratch. “He telt me a hillock o [...]

An Englishman, an Irishman … and Dode

Editor — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 06:00:07 +0000

An Englishman and an Irishman were taking their sons out for their first pint and chose a small bar in rural Aberdeenshire … which just happened to be Wullie and Dode’s local. The visitors ordered drinks all round, which immediately attracted the friendship of everyone in the place. “This is my son, George,” said the Englishman, [...]

Auntie Ruth’s 86th birthday

Editor — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 06:00:44 +0000

We had a birthday in the family this week. The oldest member of our clan, Auntie Ruth, turned 86. We invited her and her sister and my parents for a birthday dinner. The one problem with dining with a quartet of octogenarians, I find, is that the conversation turns so often to death. I can [...]

Basic white bread

Editor — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 06:00:57 +0000

Here is a surprising tip when it comes to making your own white bread: avoid organic flour. This flies in the face of current health propaganda and shopping trends, but organic flour is notoriously difficult to work with. The professional bakers to whom I spoke dislike working with it intensely because even they, with all [...]

Salmond’s irk at the BBC

Editor — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 06:00:26 +0000

There are no signs that the spat between Scotland’s First Minister, Alex Salmond, and the BBC is going to die down. Mr Salmond is still smarting after BBC Sport withdrew an invitation for Mr Salmond to appear in TV coverage of the annual Scotland-England rugby match. He complained that the senior BBC executive who withdrew [...]

Spik Doric : Lesson Six

Editor — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 06:00:05 +0000

Loaf (generic noun). A single item of baked bread but, in Doric, the preferred generic name for bread itself. Pronounced exactly as it looks. Loaf doesn’t strike you immediately as a Doric word, and it isn’t if you think of it as the individual product that gets turned out of a single tin at the [...]

Wullie and Dode’s bedtime routine

Editor — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 06:00:03 +0000

Wullie and Dode were chatting over a pint in the pub. “The great thing aboot bein single,” said Dode,”is that ye can please yersel. Fin I decide it’s time tae aet, I aet. Fin I decide it’s time tae ging oot, I ging oot. Fin I decide it’s time for ma bed, I ging tae [...]

Solar-panel report: January

Editor — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 06:00:44 +0000

Shortly after the end of every month throughout 2012, I will be reporting on how an array of PV solar panels, owned by friends of ours, has performed in rural Aberdeenshire. This will be of limited interest to most of you, I know, but it fills a huge gap in the information available to prospective [...]

Tuna and sweetcorn quiche

Editor — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 06:00:37 +0000

This is based on the classic French rural snack, with the addition of tuna to broaden the flavour, and a higher than usual onion content to make it snappy. A shake or two of Tabasco is never a bad idea, either. You can make your own shortcrust pastry but, to be honest, the ready-made stuff [...]