I think part of it is because I feel like I’ve made it already. I am so close to my goal, I feel like I can slack off a little. Only I can’t. I can feel myself going down that slippery slope from easing up a little on my routine to falling off the band wagon. I don’t think I have. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here. And I know I have a great support system this time around. I have come too far to let it slip away.

But I am scared. The past two weeks, especially the weekends, were probably the worst. Weekends never used to be a problem for me. I didn’t have a boyfriend, but I spent more time in Munich with my friends instead. It was no problem. I didn’t slack off. I ate out but made good choices. I spent time with friends in Munich but I made time to work out there too. I made no excuses.

Nowadays, I don’t even consider bringing my workout gear with me to Munich. When I realized that this past weekend, I knew something had changed. I’ve lost focus and motivation. And I desperately need to find it again. At some point, I stopped treating my health as a priority.

The first half of this week was quite good. I was still snacking a lot – too much really – but I worked out every day again, and I burned off the calories. Then Thursday came when a cookie from Subway put me over my goal, and Friday was when things got a little crazy.

I ate nearly 2,900 calories on Friday. I didn’t even log Saturday, and for today, I am at 2,300. In case you don’t know it, my caloric goal is 1,500 before workouts. I’ve not worked out. I’ve eaten more chocolate in the past three days than I usually eat in two weeks. It’s like I’ve lost any idea of moderation. I had become so good at allowing myself some snacks but in moderation. Where has it gone?

I used to beat myself up for going 30 calories over goal. I think in my first six months on MyFitnessPal, there were probably no more than five days total that I went over my caloric goal. These days, going over seems to be the norm.

If I allow myself one snack, I reckon I might as well have another. If I go over by 100 calories, I might as well have something else that will put me over by 300.

I’m scared. I’ve been here before, and I can’t go back to where I was. Luckily, I have still lost some weight in the past three weeks. I don’t know if I deserved it, but the scale has been kind. I don’t know if it will be this week. The weekend was absolutely mental and it would be the biggest surprise if I didn’t gain weight this week. I know that rationally, I did not consume enough calories to gain more than, say, a kilogram, but I am almost dreading getting on the scale, thinking I may have gained more.

I know that this is the point when I need to pull the emergency brake and tell myself to stop. I need to get my head straight and re-focus. The next four days I will be doing my best. I will avoid snacking at work as that has gotten a little out of hand, and I will eat healthy meals. I will work out.

Friday, I am flying to Edinburgh to spend the weekend with my boyfriend. I will probably not be logging that weekend, but I will not let that be an excuse to go totally over board. I will enjoy myself, but in moderation, and I will try to get in a lot of walking to make up for it. I will come back Monday afternoon and am invited to a friend’s birthday dinner & drinks Monday night. I will not use that as an excuse to eat everything in sight and drink too much.

For the next week, moderation will be what I focus on. I need to get back on track with a healthy lifestyle, working out, while still allowing myself some treats. I know this is what works for me. It would be so tempting to just say, screw it, I’m starting again on May 1st, after Edinburgh and my friend’s birthday party, but that would be the easy way, wouldn’t it?

I know that I am strong and that I can do this. Moderation. I think that the rest of my life I will have to focus on moderation but I think that once I am back into a routine it will be easier. It’s not hard. I mean, it is. But at the same time it’s not. And I know I am a much happier person when I am not chiding myself for letting myself get this far.

This is where things got weird. The co-worker who was sitting with him joined in the conversation saying, “yeah you won’t be able to stop that either. Once you start eating big servings, you’ll always be doing it.”

I honestly thought, “what the hell is he talking about?” I had been meaning to say that I was eating normal servings, and not starving myself, NOT that I was stuffing myself with huge portions. Not to mention that I also disagree with what he said. Of course you can get used to smaller portion sizes if that was your problem with gaining weight. For me it wasn’t. I always ate quite normal-sized portions at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. My problem was the junk food I ate between meals.

He then went on and asked, “haven’t you lost weight on this program 4 or 5 times before?” I found that so offensive.

First of all, no, I haven’t. I have lost some weight a few times before, but I have never lost this much weight in my life ever before. The only time I was close to the weight I am now was six years ago when I lost 16 kg with Weight Watchers and managed to get down to 73.3 kg which I maintained for a month or two at the most. I have also attempted to lose weight a few times since, but I never lost more than 5 to 10 kg at a time, and ended up gaining the weight back. Is that healthy? No. But I also didn’t yoyo back and forth losing and gaining crazy amounts of weight. I never did any fad diets or starved myself. And what program is he even talking about? All I do is eat healthily and count calories – that isn’t really a ‘program’ or ‘diet’ at all.

I did wonder how he got that idea though, and I realized that people have probably been talking about me. I did probably mention to some people that I’d tried losing weight before, and I do not mind people knowing that, but when the truth gets distorted and I get the feeling that people are just waiting for me to fail and gain back the weight, that does bother me.

But the madness didn’t stop there.

He told me about a friend of his who had a lap band surgery and he is now doing great, and I could talk to my doctor about that.

At which point I couldn’t believe my ears. Did he really just suggest to someone who is a healthy weight to have lap band surgery?! What the FUCK? Excuse the language but what the fuck?

Now, I realize that he clearly has no clue what he’s talking about, because no one who did would even suggest such a crazy thing. Lap band surgery is a last resort for morbidly obese people. Not only am I virtually normal weight with a BMI flucutating around 25, I was never morbidly obese at any point in my life. I am pretty sure that I never would have qualified for lap band surgery even at my heaviest weight.

Not only that but he seems to think of lap band surgery as a convenient and easy solution to losing weight. It just seems so absurd that he would suggest that in reply to my co-worker’s comment not to starve myself. How would lap band surgery be any better? I am sure that there are people that lap band surgery is a good, maybe the only, solution for. But for 99% of overweight people, it shouldn’t even be considered. There are a million better and healthier ways to lose weight.

I just said that I wouldn’t qualify for it anyway, and also why would I want to get a lap band now that I’m a healthy weight – not even mentioning that that would have never been an option for me even at 97 kg. He said, I could probably get one if I talked to my doctor. But why? Why?

Basically, the conversation was a big fat WHAT THE FUCK from beginning to end which resulted from a misunderstanding on his part leaving me wondering whether to be offended or laugh because clearly he is completely clueless.

I have been getting comments like “don’t starve yourself”* or “you’ve lost the weight quite quickly”** a few times lately, and although I know they’re not true, they do bother me a bit. They imply that I lost the weight in an unhealthy manner, when I did it the right way, eating healthily, never going hungry or denying myself anything, and exercising regularly. I have also had a friend mention a few months ago how my way of losing weight had been quite extreme. I asked her what she meant, and she said she meant the amount of exercise I did, and that she would rather lose the weight slowly and healthily. However, while I do exercise a lot more now than I used to, so I would agree that the change has been quite extreme, I do not think that there is anything extreme about what I do.

It feels a little like an insult to insinuate that I did not lose weight in a healthy manner, and it takes away from my achievement. I know that it’s not true but it’s hard not to let it get to me all the same.

* I eat at least 1500 calories a day, but usually more as I eat back all the calories I burn during exercise as well.

** I lost about 25 kg over the span of 8 months. Is that fast? Probably, though not unheard of. Is it too fast? No, I don’t think so. Weight Watchers recommend to lose between 0.5 and 1 kg per week, and I have averaged about 0.7 kg which is perfectly normal.

During the winter I walked the 1.1 mi to the office so I always get in a little exercise just by going to work but I prefer cycling as it takes less time which means I can sleep a little longer. If you know me, you know that I love sleep.

On my way home, I have to cycle up a hill, which is quite a little workout, especially when you ride an old bike without gears.

I won’t lie, 99% of the time I just got off the bike at some point and pushed it up the hill. I think there were maybe one or two times I actually cycled all the way up. I was lazy and didn’t want to work up a sweat. And it was hard.

I even still did this last fall when I was already losing weight, eating healthily, and working out a lot. And yes, I felt kind of lazy, especially when older people managed to cycle all the way up, but I also didn’t really care.

Well, yesterday was the first time I rode my bike in months, and between that and still not feeling 100% well after a cold I had last week, I thought I would just ride my bike up as far as I could and then get off and push the rest of the way uphill.

But I didn’t. I cycled all te way up the hill! After months of not even riding my bike! Yeah, I was a bit sweaty and I could tell that my heart rate had gone up, but at the same time it felt a lot easier than I remember it being.

I know this is just something small and insignificant, and it may seem silly to write an entire blog post about it. But you know what, this little feat reminded me just of how far I have come. Of how much fitter and stronger I am now. And that makes it significant to me.

I love that I thought of this when I first started losing weight in August; it’s great to have pictures of my body’s transformation. It really blows my mind how much smaller I have gotten. I didn’t really see how big I was until I saw how much smaller I could get – and I still have nearly 9 kg to lose.

If everything goes according to plan, I will be taking progress pictures two more times, at under 70 kg and once I hit my goal weight of 65 kg.

I always wear the same clothes for the pictures so you can see the difference, but I think I may have to invest in a new pink shirt as this one has gotten quite big and now hides my shape a little.

Click here to see my latest progress pictures.

A few months ago, I read this article on CNN, and it rang true for me for the most part.

“People who are obese live with obese people. They find obese friends. Most (patients) don’t recognize how bad a lifestyle they have, how self-defeating a lifestyle is. They think that culture’s normal.”

As human beings we have a difficult time with change, Walz continues. So when someone we love alters his or her lifestyle, we have a problem dealing with it — even if that transformation is positive.

“Deliberately or not, the family, the friends, the other people who are part of that individual’s culture will resist the change,” Walz says. “(They) will try to change them back to what the culture tolerates.”

Luckily, I have not found this to be true for my friends. Hardly any of my friends are overweight, though, and they have been very encouraging. I never feel like they are trying to sabotage me nor have I felt any jealousy from them. But then, they already have what I want.

Today, I told my mom about how I am now at 74.7 kg, so under 75 kg (down another 0.4 kg from yesterday), and she told me not to get too skinny because she doesn’t think I am built to be real skinny. I remember getting these comments when I lost weight in 2005/06 (when my lowest weight was 73.3 kg, just a little under my current weight).

I do agree with her that I am not built to be skinny. I have a curvy figure – and I am not using curvy as an euphemism for fat – I mean, I am pear-shaped and I like the fact that I am.

But people, I am also not aiming for a goal weight of 60 kg. I do think that 65 kg is a realistic weight for me, at a height of 170 cm. I am currently still overweight at a BMI of 25.85, and I am definitely not too thin yet. I still have plenty of weight to lose from my tummy, butt, thighs and my upper arms. If I decide that I am happy with my figure at 68 kg, I am not going to force myself to lose another 3 kg just for the sake of weighing 65 kg. If I notice that my body is resisting losing another 3 kg, I won’t torture myself. I do want to be a healthy weight though, with a little buffer. And it may be my vanity talking, but I do want to weigh under 70 kg.

My mom mentioned how slim my face has gotten, and she is right that it has, but I don’t think that it’s too slim, and I also know that my face is one of the last spots I gain weight in so it only makes sense that it would be one of the first spots for me to lose weight in.

I still have about 10 kg to lose, and I don’t think that is overdoing it. I am actually eating a lot. I am working out a good amount but not too much. I eat back the calories I burn during exercise. I am not starving myself or denying myself anything. I don’t feel unhealthy or have a lack of energy. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. And my body is still readily shedding the pounds, it’s not resisting the weight loss and holding on to the weight. I am doing this the right way. It is sustainable, healthy, and consistent. So I won’t stop. I’m not at my goal yet. I don’t think I am getting too caught up in this weight loss thing, and I am not aiming for an unhealthy or unrealistic goal weight. I am doing great and I am doing the right thing.

I explained this to my mom, and I think it reassured her a little.

How do people in your surroundings react to your weight loss? Do they support you? Have they expressed worry that you might be losing too much weight?

My last weigh-in was a particularly frustrating one. I had been down 0.5 kg on Tuesday – completely undeserved really after the Saturday I’d had, consuming roughly three times my daily calories in food and alcohol – but I had lost 0.5 kg. Wednesday, I was up 0.5 kg from Tuesday, putting me at the exact same weight as the week before. So I logged it. Thursday, I was down 0.4 kg again. Worst timing ever, right?

I also realized that I had had some food that was quite high in sodium on Monday and Tuesday, and I knew that Wednesday’s high was probably due to water retention. I decided to stay away from sodium for this entire week, from Wednesday to my next weigh-in on Wednesday to keep this from happening again. I do think I am quite prone to gaining weight when I eat sodium-rich food so I usually avoid eating out and ready-made meals for 2–3 days before my weigh-in.

I have to admit that I weigh myself nearly every day. I only log Wednesdays but I weigh myself almost daily, and some days even twice, in the morning and evening. I think that as long as I don’t go mental over it, it’s okay, and it gives me a good idea of how my body is working, how it reacts to exercise and certain foods. But of course, this week was incredibly frustrating.

Friday, I was down even more from Thursday, and today, I was down a whopping 1.5 kg (3.3 lbs) from only three (!) days ago. I always log Wednesdays but I decided to make an exception this time and log today’s weight as well. I know that I am risking a gain between today and Wednesday or staying the same (especially with TOM due next week), but seeing this morning’s weight on the scale gave me such a boost.

I am 75.1 kg now – only 0.2 kg from my next mini goal of weighing under 75 kg which I really hope to reach either this upcoming Wednesday or the Wednesday after that, at which point I will have less than 10 kg left to lose.

I am also only 2.9 kg from a BMI under 25. My current BMI is 25.99. You have no idea what it means to see that 25. I am so close to being normal weight now, it seems almost unreal.

It has been about 2 1/2 weeks since I went off the Metformin and having a small gain of 0.3 kg the first week off meds, and no change the second week had me a little disheartened. I know that I am much healthier now than I was in August last year but I will not know for sure whether I have kicked the insulin resistance until August when I take an oral glucose tolerance test (OGTT) to check my insulin levels.

Until then, I am pretty much relying on my ability to lose weight without Metformin as an indicator of my health. Today’s weigh-in showed me that I can lose weight, and a decent amount of it too, without the Metformin, and I feel so much more confident now that I will be able to keep this up and reach my goal weight.

It was 12C outside so I wore capri running pants and a t-shirt for my run. It was so nice not to have to bundle up for this run. It really felt like it was spring for the first time this year. Let’s just hope it sticks around. I wouldn’t mind if we were done with snow and ice until November or December.

I really like this picture. Sometimes I need to see a picture of myself to see how much my body has changed. I feel like I actually look like a runner now. I never did before. I still want to slim down a bit more but I’m quite happy with where I am already.

On my run, I met another runner who made me wonder if he was running in an alternate universe, being that he was dressed up for temperatures roughly 10-20 degrees colder than it was. He was wearing a long-sleeved shirt, pants, gloves, and a hat. All I could think was, how is he not dying bundled up like that when running in 12C weather?

I ran a route that I hadn’t run in a while, though I realize now that it’s actually probably the best of all the routes I have run so far as it’s almost completely flat and longer than others. The lovely scenery is another plus. Such a shame though that there are no lights along the road so I can only run it while it’s light out – a problem everywhere in this area as soon as you leave the town.

I stopped to take pictures a few times along the way because it was too beautiful not to. I will have plenty of serious runs with no breaks in the evenings when it is too dark to take pictures anyway. I still ran a pretty good pace during the running interval and I am positive that my running will benefit immensely from the strength workouts I did during the 30 Day Shred. I should definitely keep up the strength workouts to work on my posture and pace. I think I will manage a sub 35 5k pretty soon.

It was so beautiful today, and I cannot wait for when it is light out again in the evenings. Should be as soon as next month when we switch to summer time. I am looking forward to running outside the town again and discovering more running routes this year.

It was definitely a great run. Aside from the other runner, I also met a Nordic walking group. A few weeks ago, I met a running group while going to the grocery store, so there seem to be a few runners in the area. I prefer running by myself, but I always get terribly excited when I see other runners here.

With the cold weather, snow and ice, there has been very little running in my life ever since that 10k in early December. While there were probably a few days that I could have gone for a run and didn’t, I do miss it. A couple of weeks ago, during the cold spell, I decided that it had been long enough since my last run. It was cold at -10C but it was also a gorgeous, sunny winter day. I just went for a short run of about 3 km, and it was tough on my lungs, but I also enjoyed it.

There is something about running along these snow-covered fields under a bright blue sky.

On Wednesday, as I was doing the 30 Day Shred – it was Day 29 – I felt like I could not work out in front of the TV another minute. I stopped my workout after Circuit 1, and decided that was it for the 30 Day Shred. I will write about my experience with the 30 Day Shred in another post. To make up for it, I went for a run. I just grabbed my running jacket, my key, and went out for a short run. I ran about two rounds (2 km) in 15 minutes and it felt so good. It was good to be running again, and that was when I decided that I needed to get into a running routine again.

Running according to a training plan takes up a lot of time as you run 3–4 times a week, but I really miss it. I enjoy working up to a certain time or distance. I enjoy being outside. I enjoy moving.

The past few days have been a lot milder and it feels like spring is in the air. I hope that the weather will get warmer soon, and that we won’t be getting any more snow. I have decided to start running regularly again, probably following the same 10k running plan I followed in the fall. I have definitely lost some of my fitness in the past two months, at least in terms of running. I can still run 4–5 km at a time though, so Jane Wake’s running plan seems a good starting point. I would love to run another 10k race in the spring so what better time to start than now?