"Not So Suzy"

Roses are Red, Violets are blue, this catch-line is corny, but Suzy's turned TWO!!! :)

2013-07-22T22:56:00.001-07:00

So how eventful! My little blog has turned 2...

What to say? What to do... Look over everything from the past two years (done!) try to identify what's new? (Errrrmmm...) Discover a whole heap of history repeating (AFFIRMATIVE!!!)

So as much as I felt a few months back that this whole Suzy in me was growing up... seems she really is still quite naive and young afterall... Premature to take the stabilisers off just yet, I've found I'm still:

- Struggling with mama-guilt (when it comes to permissiveness)
- Trying to find an apt balance between my social life and the one the kids rule, and still using fucking Facebook far too often
- Making the same mistakes (....... really? Still??)
- Not staying put (yep!! House number 33 is soon to be called "Home Sweet Home!"
- Not managing to let people get close (or me not push them away)
- Shit at being on top of all the housework
- Feeling an intrinsic pattern of feeling neither here nor there settling in
- Worrying. Way too much. And thinking the worst. Especially of what people are thinking of me/feeling judged...
- I still say sorry far too often!
- I still find it really hard to swallow pride/ask for help...

So in saying all this - do you know what it makes me think/feel?!?

It makes me think I've not fucking changed one bit! And it makes me feel like 'this is just how I am'. Stuck with being like this... this is just how things are - how I am - and this is how life will therefore be. Forever and ever. Ramen...

But then I realise. Yeah... nah... Bullshit!

I've already come SO far! I've already overcome a LOT... I used to not be able to look people in the eye. I used to live in the dark. I used to have no social outlets, nothing I did, noone I caught up with or saw throughout my days.

My house - it did used to be way worse! Whilst our current arrangement is perhaps not ideal/conformist, it's working (well enough) and the place is liveable... Not actually "messy" just we're so busy and stuff happens!

Yes I still make a lot of the same mistakes... but I've also stopped making a lot of additional ones I used to! Nope, I don't feel in a place where I could be settled but I'm unsure if I ever will. I have, however, started asking people for help when I need it. Sometimes even letting people get somewhat close. As a family, we really are doing quite well. We're quite 'normal'. We make the best with what we've got. I am trying hard. Things have improved. I have improved. I do deserve a pat on the back. My kids are gorgeous. They're smart and witty, polite and content. They are awesome kids. They have an awesome mum...

Latter part of that statement deserves celebrating alongside this two year milestone.
"They are awesome kids. They have an awesome mum".

We might not be perfect. We might still be stuck on the same round-a-bout for some lessons. But overall = congratulations is in order. I made people. Awesome people.

'til next time - here's to another 365 day journey around the sun... And remember:

"If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe."

Suzy xo

And now a brief moment with Stephen Chbosky....

2013-07-01T03:13:00.000-07:00

Sam: Why do I and everyone I love pick people

who treat us like we're nothing?

Charlie: We accept the love we think we deserve.

I watched "The Perks of being a Wallflower" on the weekend... It made me feel terrible. Great movie, lovely quaint cinematics. Good soundtrack. Yucky feelings. However, highly recommended!

It did, however, get me thinking about what that actually means... In my opinion, we can't choose the love we want, but, do we indeed, then seek out and accept lesser loves for an apparent belief that we deserve it.... Substandard love. Part-time love. Not-true-love...

Everyone needs love, or to feel like we're being loved... If we're feeling we're getting no love, do we settle for wrong love rather than none at all?

If we believe we don't deserve any love, do we accept anything that resembles "some" love?
Will you accept wrong love, love that is not meant for you, love that is intended for somebody else rather than nothing?

Do you reject real love = actual love = love from people who mean to be giving it to you, because you feel you don't deserve it? Do you push love away rather than accept that their love might be genuine?

I'm a stickler for the last one... There was a time when I used to freely love myself, accept being loved and take love as it was given - believing wholeheartedly it was true, and deserved, and genuine and freely given... Now as soon as I feel a semblance of real emotion or feelings, I start to either back up, or push away. It's a sub-optimal habit I've formed. I think it's a self-preservation method. But it doesn't make anyone feel good. Not even me...

I got a bit fucked over by love a few times (or "fake love").... That makes you kinda rethink your stance on accepting anything that resembles love or love-like emotions from then on. Once you've been screwed over by it. You don't trust it anymore. You're shaded as to believing whether it's real, or not. You find it hard to trust the people who claim to love you... because you convince yourself that, the times when you thought you were loved, you weren't. And therefore future gestures of love, too, are likely to not be truly representative of actual love. Probably fake. Untrustworthy "love"...

Or on the contrary = you get a little love, and it's not "quite" love, and you're accepting that love (with the blurred vision that that's the type of love you deserve) only to be disappointed and yearn more... which then skews your boundaries. Makes you feel guilty for wanting more because the fact you've accepted the semi-love means it's semi-love you think you deserve, and feeling a want for anything more makes you feel like you're demanding something you think you shouldn't have (or don't deserve) in the first place...

So what do you do? You probably end up feeling like not giving love another go again in the first place. For fear of disappointment. Damage from past failures, let-downs and false promises. A rather pessimistic belief that, like other times, "every love seems to start of great only to turn to shit later". How to protect yourself from that? Don't get "lovey". At all...

But in doing so - that probably blocks out all the forms of love. Even the type you do truly deserve...

I don't know what I deserve right now. I don't think I deserve "more", but I certainly I don't feel I deserve any less. Maybe I am getting "what I deserve" and just don't realise it... Maybe I'm not. I find myself in an almost ambivalent place... I feel aspects of kinda "here-nor-there" love, occasionally... Maybe that's all the capacity I have for love right now... Maybe I need to break the habits of pushing people away, or make changes in myself, in order to recognise love when I see it. Or maybe I just think too much after one poignant movie quote... I'll put these questions to bed for now...

Until next time ;)
Peace, love and brownies for breakfast

Suzy xo

For the Greater "Good"

2013-05-12T18:42:00.000-07:00

When I was about 15 or 16, I read a book by Nick Hornby called "How to Be Good".
It plays first on the themes of how a negative person can try and change to become a more positive influence. And in this manner, the character succeeds.

However the later part of the story goes on to explore whether it is possible to then be "good" to people we have previously been "bad" to. In this attempt, the character is not as successful and attempts seem futile.

I like to consider myself a "good" person. But of course there are, at times, moments in our lives where we are - intentionally or not - bad to another person. And when it comes to real life, and "being good" to the person to whom we have been bad, it can sometimes feel as unachievable as it did for the protagonists of this novel.

Being good to those whom we have been bad to can fail quite easily. And trying can actually make things worse.

I've learnt at late when witnessing this as playing the role of both parties - both the hard done by, and the one who did the hard-doing... What happens between two people that inevitably results in an "I don't think trying to be good, or fix things with you, is going to be beneficial".

In ordinary circumstances - being good is generally well received... by both the recipient and also by on-lookers. You're praised for your being good by outsiders, and receive gratitude from the person you're being "good" to.

Yet once you've treated someone badly... no matter how good you might be in future can make no difference. A negative stands out a thousand times stronger than the cornucopia of positives and goodness you may have offered or intend to continue to offer.

It's like a few drops of black ink dispersing through a perfectly clear vessel of water... no matter how much more fresh, clean good water you try to continue to add - the taint of the ink remains.

With this in mind I believe therefore sometimes it may be better to consider that once things have been bad, it takes less energy to simply do nothing rather than try and remedy the bad with a whole lot of good. And perhaps also important to consider that it be better to just be "good" by people at all times in the first place, as to never have to face the irreparability of a dynamic between two people when someone is "bad" to the other, in the first place...

Until next time...

Peace, love 'n lychees!

Suzy x

The complexity of toddler-creatures :)

2013-03-15T21:36:00.003-07:00

Firstly... can you believe that these:

have turned into THESE!?!?:

Where did that 2 years go??

Kids... aren't they amazing??

They can stir such a range of emotions within us, their parents. And I'm certain their ability to do so only grows and grows every day.

The thing I'm discovering more about my two, now they're getting a little older and aren't little babies anymore (they're still my babies, but they're just getting so grown up!) is that they are becoming:

A lot more egotistical. They care about how they feel a lot more, and express it openly. They are aware of their own feelings and when they verbalise them, that affects you as a parent (both in positive and negative ways).
A lot more blatantly honest/not very discerning about what they "just come out with".
They are also far more concerned with the wellbeing of others around them - particularly, their mummy...

Personally, I'm one of those mums who...

- Wells up with pride when I see my child attend to the needs of someone else before their own, or extends generosity and affection to another child or person...

- Feels bad when my child stands patiently whilst adults are conversing for a whole five minutes (which equates to hours in "toddler time") waiting to speak... then when it's their turn to speak, they've only been waiting to say "Thank you" for something you did for them an hour or even a day ago...

- Is still completely melted and surprised every single time my child, without any prompting, comes up and says "Muuuuuuum..... I love you!" (Still makes me cry nearly every time!)

- Actually FEELS genuinely pretty when my 3 year old comes into the bathroom when you're doing your hair or makeup and tells you "You look booodiful, Mama"...

- Thinks it's sooooo sweet, rather than disgusting (though I'll admit, I have kinda been put off bananas for life due to this) when they try to wedge the last piece of whatever they're eating generously into your mouth?

- Actually does a genuine happy dance up and down and makes a huge fuss when they've successfully taken themself off to the toilet productively

- Hurts deeply when they say they are sad or upset because of something someone did, or said, or a really sad conclusion they've drawn on their own...

- Am so proud when my son makes a logical connection about something to do with nature, or the world around him...

- Love how they think YOU are fantastic and great... even on the days where you yourself are just not feeling it...!

- Crack up laughing when they are complete wallies doing something ridiculous and silly...

I'm very much appreciating more and more the greater facets that you get from toddlers to babies. Babies are gorgeous and sweet and I loved "having babies"... But these toddlers of mine? They're so incredibly diverse and getting smarter and more socially engaged every day.

Sure... It's tiring as fuck... and takes a hell of a lot of time and I'm coining lots of those cliche phrases "Stop that. Put that down. Leave your sister alone. Don't put your finger in there. Where did all this mess come from?!?" and other bossings-around... but on the whole, I am appreciating the "work" these toddlers are creating for me as they are giving so so much back now in return...

Their language is coming along so well and with that comes real "conversations" with them... Tyler's great for "telling you things" that you didn't know about his day now... Maya is getting there with her talking and can tell you she's tired or wants something now... They're little whirlwinds bringing a tornado of emotions and a hurricane of happiness with them wherever they go..!

It's crazy how quickly the last few years has ticked over... and yet how the dynamic has changed in such a short amount of time. It's adding a whole new enjoyable aspect to parenthood. It's not just about meeting their basic needs now... they're able to be so engaged in life and their world and taught so much... And they'll only continue to grow their knowledge and wit and humor and sensitivity as time continues to pass...

I love my little human beings...! :)

Pull this thread...

2013-01-28T22:04:00.001-08:00

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future...” (Fulton Oursler)

So I'm kicking myself today, because I'm scared... and because I haven't learnt...

I'm scared because I haven't learnt.

I'm scared that I have made mistakes, again, which cannot be made undone... and those mistakes may be irreparable.

In my past posts I have referred so many times to how I'm going to "live in the present"... I relish in the words of Eckhart Tolle... I make great promises to myself that I won't repeat same mistakes... Only some little self-destructive creature inside me invades me, takes over, and self-sabotages herself. And my mind, for the last so many months, my mind has been captive of these two thieves. Fear. Regret.

Sometimes I punch these two bullies in the face. I tell them to go away, that I'm stronger than them. And they leave me alone... for a while, at least. But then in a moment's weakness, and it doesn't even have to be a great weakness... it can just be a small thing going wrong, or a headache that won't go away... they sneak back up on me and leave me feeling small, feeble and helpless. Almost destitute. Unable. And so instead, instead of getting up and fighting them away again... I fight everything and everyone around me instead. This hurts people. People I love. People I genuinely care for more than anyone in the world... It makes me an unfair person to be around. It makes it unfair for them to be around me.

What hurts the most about this type of anxiety is that... I genuinely am an immensely, kind, loving and caring person. I am generous - almost to a fault... I am strong and witty and confident, at times hilarious. That makes me feel like it's unfair that it happens to me, too... And then of course I feel immense guilt and am so sorry for those around me who have been affected. And my apologies are, of course, with utmost sincerity... but by then it's too late. You've already hurt that person. And that makes them see the bad side of you, and forget all of those good, lovely parts of you... Forget that the good parts are still there. That the good person does, infact, still exist... Or expect that eventually you'll be taken over by the bad and just become that: all bad...

It makes me truly worry about myself. It feels abnormal. It makes me feel like I've got a brain turned into thick custard and a body numbed with cold, and my normally cast-iron stomach turns to mulch and churns away like a sloppy concrete mixer...

I have to rid these two thieves. It's not good enough to sit them in the corner and pretend they're not there any more only for them to resurface later. I need to actually permanently eradicate these life-thieves from my being. From my thoughts and (bless my atheist heart for saying it) from my soul... or at least the person within me that needs to return to her happy, normal, cheery, loving, optimistic bright and laughing, silly self.

I apologise if the post seems sombre. Yes, it is, to an extent, but I haven't written it with the intention of people feeling sorry for me... I haven't written it as a cry for help, or a whine or complaint... I'm not attention seeking and I'm not asking anything of anyone who might read it. On the contrary: I am writing this as a stern pact for myself.

I've just turned 29... I have two beautiful - no strike that - utterly, immensely beautiful - children whom I love and adore with all my heart... I have a partner whom has stuck by me through thick and thin and who is a brilliantly good person to me and my babies... I have family who love me... I have friends who like my company... I cannot afford to allow these thieves of my thoughts and thieves of my emotions steal the connections with these people from me either... For if they were to succeed in doing so, they would also steal my heart. And with that... I would become unravelled... with one swift pull...

I don't want to be the person who is alone and sad because she's driven people she cares about most away... I want to be the person those people can't wait to see every day, to love, and embrace, and share laughter and conversation and good times with...

I'm tying a knot in the end of my thread... these thieves have no place here anymore...

Tra la la la aaaarghhh!!!

2012-12-23T00:15:00.001-08:00

So... It's "Christmas" time, again...

If it weren't for having the kids, I'd probably remain relatively 'non-fussed' about Christmas...

My best Christmases as an adult were those where I could just fly by the seat of my pants, run off somewhere on a cheap flight at the last minute, and enjoy my travels. Babies = they limit ones ability to do that somewhat...

So instead, we're "home" for Christmas... and it's hot and nasty weather, I feel like I've spent the last week (not to mention the last dollar) running round sorting everything for "the big day"...

It makes me wonder, strangely, about those in the world who do not observe Christmas. Whom to them, it just passes them by, non-eventful and uncelebrated... and makes me question if I could ever do the same. Right now, no, I suppose it wouldn't be "fair" on my children to not enjoy Christmas... However it also then makes me wonder whether Christian kids would love their Christmas day quite as much were they to, instead of receive a tonne of outlandish gifts, wake up on Christmas morning, attend church, then go and serve at a homeless shelter or with the elderly, as to represent their supposed "true" meaning of Christmas?

I think what gets me most is that, even for Christians, Christmas is lost on everyone besides the extremely poor these days... It's gotten RIDICULOUS. 9 year olds are getting iPhones... 4 year olds are getting Wiis, or whatever the hit console for the year is... Parents are spending vast amounts of money on their kids, and, really, what is that setting the kids up for in life? Sure it's "nice" to have "nice" things, but - at Christmas - it just seems that things are taken too far... And anyone who claims they're spoiling their kids "in the name of the Lord" has got to be kidding me... Jesus, had he existed, received very few gifts... and he was the so-called "son of God"... he certainly didn't receive an iPad...

I know myself, have at times, of been guilty of buying my kids "too many presents". Namely to I guess overcompensate for the fact that the paternal side of my childrens' family don't contribute to birthdays and Christmases, and thus I've always felt obliged to "make up" their deficit. But this year, I've been far more realistic. My children are 3 and 1... They're not going to complain if they get 1 present, or 10... They're not going to complain if they had $50 spent on them or $500.

As always, we've observed our traditional "charity" part - sending a gift to one of our "Post Pals" (a correspondence site for extremely to terminally ill kids) as we do every year, and it's explained to Tyler that we are sending a present to a little boy or girl who is very sick and in hospital. I guess that way, I'm instilling a sense of giving into my children, and that beyond those whom are close to us... It's something I've always done since I was a child myself (we used to do the "Wishing Tree", or go to the Salvo's with bundles of stuff for them to distribute)...

I just like to hope that, with all the receiving the kids will be doing, they still recognise there's a significance to giving as well... Lest they be lost in the overwhelmingly selfish day that Christmas normally seems to become for most youngsters...

Until next time... Deck The Halls ;)

"If Horses Were Wishes..."

2012-09-25T21:10:00.001-07:00

My mum always had a funny little saying...

"If horses were wishes, then beggars would ride..."

Slightly pessimistic, really... and always made me feel like it were almost not permissible to be allowed to make "wishes"... But nevertheless, I make wishes. Often. I wish on fallen eyelashes. And shooting stars. Wishbones. Etc.

I was sat thinking about my wishes today, and really, they're not even that grandiose. They're pretty reasonable wishes. Not greedy. Not too over the top...

So I thought I'd write a wish list...! Now these are non-generalistic, rather "selfish" wishes. Yes of COURSE I wish there wasn't war and starvation and the like... but I'm keeping things personal...

1) I wish I had a suspended bed. You know, like hanging from rope or something from the ceiling... the idea of sleeping without anything underneath you I find strangely appealing. And there's some very pretty ones I've seen out there on the net...

2) I wish the housework was SO much easier... and didn't accumulate so quickly. I'd even go so far as to say "I wish I could afford a cleaner"... I used to have a cleaner, once... It was always so nice coming home to find the mundane stuff done for me. Though these days, with two toddlers, it'd almost prove futile...

3) I wish I lived in a place I actually truly love. I don't like where I live presently. I've seldom lived anywhere that I felt I really loved living. Except perhaps Scotland. Scotland was awesome. And, furthermore, I wish I had a home I loved... my own home. That I could decorate however I wanted.

4) I wish I could budge the last of this weight a lot easier. Having IR & PCOS, makes it really tough... Tougher than for the average non-IR/PCOS person. It's pretty sucky. I wish I didn't have IR/PCOS. I wish I didn't have to take insulin, 'cos it makes me feel shitty... I'd love to be a size 10-12 by my 30th birthday. And I do try... but I still don't have it underwraps. It makes me feel shitty. I've only got about 9-12 more kilos to go before I exceed my initial goal weight. I know it's attainable, but, at the moment, it feels like it'll never happen... And even then, I'd still like to lose another 5-10 beyond that. *sigh*

5) I wish holidays were easier to take more often. I haven't been on a genuine "holiday" as in "going away to a destination, of my choice, for no other reason other than to leisurely enjoy myself and do the relaxing/touristy thing" since October 2008... And even then it was still too short-lived a trip for my liking. And now with two toddlers in toe, the idea of a genuine "holiday" seems an aeon away!

6) I wish I had more family close by... Proximal to me is only my mum and my stepdad, then me and my kids... I rarely get to see extended family, let alone spend time with them... I wish there were more of us, in the one place... We seldom get those occasions/gatherings where there's a whole big happy family atmosphere... People seldom come to visit us because we're not close by... We're not the most close-knit family. Which is kinda sucky...

7) I wish I had more time to do more "just for fun" things... At the moment I'm in that rut of not even being able to keep up with the "day to day" things, let alone have any time for hobbies or "fun stuff". Most of my "spare" time is my evenings, when babies are in bed... which basically confides me to the house. And by the time I decide to "do" something with my "me time", I'm too buggered to bring out the art stuff or the sewing machine anyway...

8) I wish people didn't lie. I've discovered new lies, recently, and it always pains me to think at a time you thought you were giving and receiving truth synchronously, you were actually being deceived. That's a sinking feeling in your guts you can't "unfeel". Being lied to is fucked... Regardless of who by... Even moreso when you care about the person who has lied to you...

9) I wish "exs" completely evaporated once you go your separate ways. Your mind never thinks of them again, they don't crop up in the queue at the shops when you're dressed in your trackies with no make-up, they never cross your mind again, and leave you the heck alone. Same goes for partner's exs. Exs suck. Big time...

10) I wish I had the child-free time and energy to clear out a whole heap of stuff from my house that I really don't need anymore. But it has always, and still does, felt like an impossible, unbearable task. Piles of clothes the kids have outgrown... general shit and stuff we don't need anymore... I promise myself routinely I'll get onto it but then once I start, the task seems so overwhelming I throw my hands in the air and say "Fuck it!" And it never gets dealt with...

So there you go... a mildly self-indulgent wish-a-thon... Some of the things on my list are of course, and probably will of course, eventuate one day... others, probably not... But sometimes it's nice to put it out there... gives the Universe a chance to hear your order ;)

Until next time - I'm looking over a four-leafed clover...

Suzy xx

The Birthday Story For TYLER (Part 3)

2012-09-07T16:25:00.003-07:00

Once upon a time there were two little children named Tyler and Maya. They were bright and happy children who lived amongst the angels in heaven. They were very happy there. They admired the beautiful colors in heaven and enjoyed listening to the beautiful music there, and that was where they belonged...

But one day the clouds parted in heaven and both Tyler and Maya caught a glimpse of the beautiful green earth below with all the people happily playing and working and they suddenly longed ever so much to go there and see what it was like. They saw all the rainbow colors of the earth. They saw butterflies visiting flowers and birds flying in the air, trees swaying in the breeze and leaves falling to the ground. They seemed to be beckoning the children. They saw fish swimming in the sea and all the different plants that covered the earth. They saw other children climbing trees, running, playing, skipping about and jumping in the meadows and walking through sand and leaves. It was all so beautiful!

Tyler said to his guardian angel: "Please, may I go down to earth?" But his angel looked at him and said: "No Tyler, it is too soon. You and Maya must wait a little while yet." So the children remained in heaven and were happy, and soon forgot all about the earth.

Then one day again Tyler alone saw a glimpse of the earth through the clouds again. He saw people working and enjoying their lives, and mothers and fathers, grandparents, uncles and aunts with the children of Earth. He saw beaches and forests, mountains and islands, and on one of these islands he saw a beautiful mother with love and longing in her heart for a child, and he asked his angel: "Please. May I go to her?"

The angel said: "You must go through the land of dreams, first."

The next night the little child had a dream. In it he dreamed that he went to the mother and she held out her arms and said: "Please come and be my child. I will love you with all my heart and keep you from harm down here on Earth."

The little boy went to the angel and told him the dream. The angel said: "Tyler, It is now time for you to go. Maya will stay here, but she will join you in a while. The mother you have found you will give you and Maya all the love and guidance you will need in your life on Earth."

Tyler said he understood that Maya would have to wait in heaven until later. He hugged her and assured her he would see her again, and then he said to the angel: "I am ready. May I go now?"

That night Tyler went to sleep into dreamland and while ten moons waxed and waned he rocked in a little boat upon the sea. At the end of ten moons' time. a beautiful rainbow bridge stretched from the heaven to earth and upon reaching it Tyler took the form of a tiny baby.

From this bridge he slid from heaven to earth into his mother's arms.

She looked in awe at this new life and said "I shall call him Tyler... For that is the perfect name for him". And with that, Tyler received his first earthly gift - his name...

In Tyler's first moments on earth, he growled like a little old-fashioned teddy bear. His face was screwed up and he peacefully lay in his new mother's arms, and nothing had prepared her for the love she would feel when he first opened his eyes to look into hers.

In his first year, Tyler grew and grew. He was small but thrived. At 4 months he rolled over, at 6 months he crawled, at 7 months he got his first two teeth, and by 8 months he was walking along whilst holding onto the furniture. His first words were "Jack-Jack" - the name of his favourite toy bunny and he soon learnt even more new words such as "Mama" and "Flower" and "Star" and "Moon".

He started trying new foods and drinks, loved other children, and played with lots of toys. He loved being outdoors - touching plants, listening to the birds and the rain and discovering "nature".

Then before him and his mother knew it, he had turned 1 year old.

In the next year, Tyler grew more and more! He was soon walking so well that before long, he was running! He learnt so many new words and became interested in new things. He had developed a strong affinity with nature in his time so far on earth and admired the trees, the leaves, the flowers and the creatures he found on earth. It was in this year that he called out to Maya and insisted that she come and join him from heaven!

And so Tyler became a big brother in this year. He loved his little sister and showed her such delicate affection, she loved him back too and was glad that Tyler had called out to her to come to earth with him.

It was not too long after Maya arrived from heaven that Tyler turned 2!

The next year began for Tyler and MY what a year it was...! With Maya by his side, he continued to grow and learn... His bond with his little sister was obvious - he cared for her so deeply from the moment he met her. He was always looking out for her and continued to love her ever so much. He also helped mummy an awful lot, being her little helper to look after Maya aswell. He started to show that he liked "responsibility" - asking to help prepare dinner with Mummy... or help put away toys, or load the washing machine.

He started to show his definite "likes" and "dislikes" throughout this year... He became highly into automobiles and machinery... His favourite vehicles being "tractors" and "backhoes"! He went to the Field Days with his mummy, Maya and Pa... and got to see a LOT of tractors there...! Of all different sizes...

He still to this day absolutely LOVES tractors - and has even had the chance to drive one ALL on his OWN! He was so proud of himself the day he did that...

His fascination with nature became even stronger. He started hugging trees, and collecting "special things" from the garden, or on walks... He was fascinated by interesting looking rocks, or feathers, and would collect them and keep them in a special place. He definitely showed how much of an "outdoors boy" he was throughout his third year!

Tyler also hit some fantastic milestones in his third year! He improved his speech dramatically and can now use lengthy sentences and chitter-chatters happily all the time. He learnt how to do many more things on his own - he can get himself dressed and undressed (with a little help from his mummy...) He also learnt how to do the more "tricky" things on the play equipment. He became very daring, and fearless, and determined to do anything he set his mind to....

He even said "Good Bye!" to his DUMMY this year. Tyler was such a GOOD big boy when he let his favourite "dun dun" go away... He let it go fly off into the sky with some help of some helium balloons, waved good bye to it, and never asked for one again. What a grown up boy he has become!

And so, 3 candles will be lit to celebrate the day that Tyler came to meet his mummy and bring her all the love and joy she needed, and so she would have a beautiful little boy to love in return...!

(This is my son's "Rainbow Bridge Birthday Story" - it is based on a Waldorf philosophy of telling the children a story about themselves, and their creation, in honour of their birthday. Each year an additional paragraph about the child is added to follow the previous years, and a candle is lit at the end of each year's paragraph - year by year, a candle at a time... A simplified version can be found in "Beyond the Rainbow Bridge", a book by Barbara J. Patterson and Pamela Bradley. The story found in this book can be adapted to create an individual story to tell specifically to your children about themselves with personal detail. Please don't copy or redistribute this one for yourself - if you wish to create one a basic outline of one can be found at: http://herbnites.tripod.com/waldorfinspiredschool/id12.html )

Play Time...!

2012-09-05T22:54:00.003-07:00

This post might sound rather opinionated or righteous. But, I feel I'm passionate about what I'm saying. So here goes...!

Captain Tyler aboard the "S.S. Fluffy-Pants" (he named it, naturally!)

Whilst pretending to participate in a "mum's group" conversation (I never really get into the whole 'Mother's Meeting' shebang) - we were discussing "play time"...c

In our house - I'm pretty proactive in having engaging, active "playtime". Playtime to me isn't "chuck the kids infront of the telly" or "pour out the lego"... I was kind of disappointed to hear how limited and uninvolved a lot of the other mums were with their kids when it came to playing... Lots of them said "they just watch TV"... Or they play in their room... Sure, there are times where we let the kids occupy themselves for the sake of getting the washing done, or doing the dishes, or having a shower... But play time should be scintillating. It should be developing their imagination, their coordination, their ideals and values... It should be of benefit to the children, encouraging them to grow and learn...

Telly is probably my least favourite kids' activity... I'm pretty restrictive as to what they do and don't watch, and consistent on when they can watch... In our house... The telly is on during breakfast. It then goes off after breakfast, and we do whatever we need to do that day (shops or whatever). Then when we return home, the telly stays off, and it's time to "play". We get involved. We do "things". We spend time together and 9/10, the kids play happily because they are engaged, focussed on and having fun... The telly then doesn't come back on until after "nap time" (when they wake up, around 3:30pm).

I think why it disappoints me to hear that most of the other mothers weren't so involved was because to me - orchestrating an effective "playtime" isn't hard. Nor does it have to be expensive. Or messy... Messy IS good sometimes, though... But very simple ideas can be transformed into really fun play activities... So I guess it peeved me when I shared some of my own ideas and was told "that's too hard/takes too long/is too complicated"...

Some of the fun "playtime" things we've done include:
- Building a cardboard box boat and turning the kitchen into an ocean scene (as per the pic)
- Burying dinosaurs in the sandpit, and pretending to be explorers digging for dinosaur bones
- Treasure hunting for nature items (find a leaf... find a flower... find a small rock... find a big stick... find something yellow... find a feather... etc.)
- Tactile play (boiling spaghetti in food colouring and putting big bowls of coloured dyed spaghetti out on the back lawn and letting them squish and play with it... or mixing food dye with shaving foam to make foamy paints)
- Pudding Painting (making up instant pudding mix in different flavours, paper up on the art easel and letting the kids paint with the pudding... this is a good one for when they're really little because it doesn't matter if they eat their "paint").
- Water and food colouring in different levels in glass bottles, to tap with the end of a wooden spoon to make our own music
- Gluing crayons to a blank canvas in rainbow order, then melting the crayons so they run down the canvas, making a spectacular melty rainbow picture
- Other "easy" stuff like potting seeds together to grow flowers... or potato print painting... or making soap crayons for in the bath together... or good old macaroni necklaces... making daisy chains... making dolly beds/rocking cradles out of old shoe boxes and spare fabric... "painting the house" with a bucket of water and a paint brush... Wrapping up a couple of their toys in about 5 layers of wrapping paper and taking turns to unwrap layers... etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum!

I think the crux of playtime is that it's not just for the kids... Parents need to get in there, and get involved, too. They need to give guidance to their kids to keep them on task, and try and give their children some fascinating new knowledge along the way. Kids are stimulated by the smallest of miracles. The look on a 2 year old's face when a bottle of water turns from clear, to red, to purple, is priceless. The joy of a 1 year old running her fingers through cold spaghetti without reprimand is precious, also...

Get in there and have FUN with your kids if you don't already... Because they're not little for long... and some of these moments become the foundations of their most favourite childhood memories as adults. I myself remember being fascinated at learning how to wood burn (with supervision from Dad of course) using a piece of timber and a magnifying glass... And dad explaining how the lens could amplify the tiny packets of electromagnetic energy in the light to create fire by concentrating the photons in the light... Something that's always stuck with me and I'll never forget... Same as learning how light travels faster than sound... and "tricks" you could do with certain flowers in the garden (like making a swan from a certain type of purple flower that grew on a bush in our garden... or making snap-dragons chitter-chatter to each other...) So many fantastic memories I have of "learning" as a child came from the most basic, simple, one on one activities I engaged in with my parents...

Until next time - peace, love and "have fun cleaning up the glitter spills"!
Suzy xx

Introducing "Mr. Suzy" :)

2012-09-01T03:34:00.001-07:00

Well I said there'd been quite a few developments... one of them being = Suzy is all shacked up with a man! We'll dub him "Mr. Suzy" for all blog-intended purposes...!

So I've blogged about dating and my perspectives on dating as a single parent... I've had my doubts about my capacity to allow a person "in to our team"... I've been hesitant after a few pretty rough experiences with some not-so-well-intended types and thus wasn't expecting to get what I've got now...

I've also hypothesised about the fact I've often felt like having 2 different kids, to 2 different dads, kinda left me in the "slim pickings" section of the dating game... As it turns out, it's actually served to my own advantage instead... Because the fact he loves everything about me, my babies, and the whole kit and kaboodle means I know I have someone who is being perfectly genuine and true to us all, not just "me"...

I feel immensely lucky... Because I've found a man who loves me entirely for who I am and what comes with me. He loves my babies oh so much. He thinks I have a beautiful mind and loves that I'm switched on and witty... He loves my kooks and my funny little intricacies...

I'm in a place now where I feel like I can't believe I spent time in relationships that didn't feel like this all along. And it all came completely out of the blue. Hit me like a lightning bolt. Completely like a lightning bolt... I had been telling myself (perhaps trying to convince myself) that I didn't have the time or capacity to allow someone into my life. Well, our lives. The kids too. I didn't want to run risk of complicating my babies pretty little heads... Or waste time spending time with anyone who wasn't going to be "the real deal" and end up torturously putting them through a "temporary" relationship with a bitter ending...

However with Mr. Suzy, I feel perfectly safe. Safe for my own heart. Safe for my babies. Safe that everything is "meant to be".

So three cheers for Miss Suzy... and welcome to "our team", Mr. Suzy...! I'm sure he'll gain mention in many a future Suzy Blog, so until next time -

Peace, Love and Jelly-Beans...

Suzy xxx

"Slightly Suzy"...

2012-08-13T21:06:00.002-07:00

Wow... Over a year has past. Suzy's growing up! Whoever would have thought I'd have maintained dedication and interest for this long? Let alone continue to find the time to blog... That in itself must say something... I do love writing my blog, sharing my thoughts and stories and opinions. And I appreciate I still have a receptive audience. So thank you, followers new and old, whom are cheering Suzy on! :)

I feel like I almost need to do myself a "report card"... To demonstrate how things have progressed over the last 12 months. We've endured quite a cornucopia of lifely delights over the past 12 months. If I did write myself a report card? I'd probably give myself an A+ for effort, and a B+ for results :)

We've moved house TWICE... We've celebrated both girl child's and boy child's birthdays, adding a chapter to their "Rainbow Bridge" stories... Not to mention I made the epic achievement of turning "my favourite number" this year... I personally have come in leaps and bounds when it comes to self-enlightenment, learning lessons in granting myself permission to do more for myself. I've fed my little heirachy of needs that dear old Maslow made understandable for me... I had a stab at dating again finally, after having the babies (some outcomes fantastic, some.... not so much!) and - after sorting a new job, a new path of study, new hobbies, etc. I've finally got myself into a position where I feel like I have a gorgeous sense of balance and self-fulfillment. \

All in all - I feel like "Suzy" has come a long way... So much so even I'd go so far as to say I have outdone my official title of "Not So Suzy" and could potentially adopt the new moniker of "Somewhat Suzy" :) I have a far better grip on things these days. The house is of course still chaotic at times, however in comparison to where we began 12-odd months ago, I'm content with my home. It feels like home... Nowhere in a LONG time has felt like "home". I'm more than happy with my job, my plans to study, my long-term ambitions and desires, and - most importantly - I feel as though I've mastered the art of truly living with integrity! (She says that word a lot, doesn't she??)

Finally I can look at myself as a whole person and say:

"I live in such a way that my actions are congruent to my values, attitudes and beliefs".

I'm doing what I love. What I enjoy. I love my babies, and the little people they have become... They're beautiful, lovely children which - previously - I always thought was "luck of the draw"... Whereas now I realise... My children are a testament to myself. I can be a very proud mummy for the children I have... given especially that SO much of the way they are is because of the influence I have on them as a mother. How special does that make me feel? Indescribably special... And immeasurably proud.

So where does Suzy go from here? Ahhh if I told you THAT, you'd have nothing to look forward to in future posts... All I can say is:

- Do have baited breath...
- Do look forward to the AMAZING happenings that will be going on between now and Suzy's next "birthday'...
- Do expect a tonne more lessons to be learnt, and
- Do expect the unexpected...

:)

Until next time... help yourself to a generous finger of frosting off my cake :)

Suzy xxx

"Rabbits"...

2012-08-11T17:28:00.000-07:00

For over a decade in my social circle, we've often referred to our children as "rabbits"... Rabbits have big ears... They are good for listening with...

A status my friend posted this morning (on F***book) reminded me of the susceptibility our children have to picking up on the language we, television, society, etc. uses and taking it upon themselves to practice exercising it's usage.

The development of a child's language and vocabulary essentially develops through mimicking and repetitive behaviours. As I discussed in my Father's Day inspired post last year, babies brains are wired to have increased frontal and temporal lobe activity recordings when adjacent repetitive sounds are heard - hence why we probably do the whole "dum-dum", "bot-bot", "bub-bub-bub" stuff when they're really little... This is on a very basic and obvious level...

But then that got me thinking. What about, as they get older, and their ability to mimick and repeat increases, their language develops more strongly... what about the more "detailed" forms of repetitiveness they are exposed to. For example, the repetitiveness of the attitudes, and values, and opinions their little rabbit ears are listening to.

A prime example. Mother hears a piece of juicy gossip. Mother's on the phone to friend one, giving her the goss whilst the kids are sat on the floor playing happily... Later that they, mother runs into friend two at the shops... The story is relayed on to that friend, also... Over dinner that night, Mother divulges all the details to friend three whilst the kids throw their fish fingers at each other... In this kind of a scenario, the kids have been exposed to the same basic principles of language development, but on a higher level. They've heard a "story" in a repeated fashion, possibly enough times that a certain level of retention of that tale, and furthermore the potential to repeat the accounts verbally themselves...

More importantly, the same goes for the words we choose to direct AT our children in a repetitive fashion... Personally, I've always stuck to the pacts I made to myself to never name-call, shout, put-down or disparage... And nothing pains me more than hearing another parent do the opposite with their own... I always feel sorry to hear a child being put-down. Even if the parent thinks it's relatively harmless...

Of course when you walk into a room to find your son has smashed your favourite vase, somewhere in your brain lurks an intention to scoff a remark like "You STUPID boy!"... But tell your son he's stupid enough times, he's going to retain that vocabulary and use it not only to label himself, but also others... Jokingly remark that your kids are being "insane", "nutcases", "ferals" and the like and they'll form their own neurological bridges to those adjectives, too... Even something as little as saying one sibling is annoying the other sibling... Verbalise that, and the siblings will take it upon themselves to learn to say the same about each other...

Basically what I am saying is - those little human beings we are given are OH so precious and OH so receptive to what's being said around them... I know even myself could do with a greater sense of awareness when it comes to such... My babies are growing up. They're not completely oblivious to the words they hear around them anymore.

I'm proud, however, that the words they DO hear MOST often around here are along the lines of "I love you... with all my heart"... "Thank you for what you just did"... and "I'm proud of you for that"... And such is also reflected in my children. They didn't become polite, well-spoken little individuals on their own accord... However I do promise myself I'll be making a more contentious effort to respect the fact that there are "rabbits" in the room before I blast off on the phone or gossip over coffee in future...

Until next time - peace, love and bacon for breakfast :)

Suzy xxxa

The scales are finally settling :)

2012-08-04T04:12:00.000-07:00

Happy Days, Not So Suzy-Enthusiasts!!!

For the first time in a while I'm writing a post that isn't ranty or negative... :)

SO a LOT has been going on in the Suzy-household... I've started a new part-time job, 3 days a week... In a field that I LOVE, doing work I thoroughly enjoy, with a fantastic small team of people... The kids are enjoying their daycare immensely... The financial benefits go without saying... and I've finally allowed myself something I hadn't been doing since the arrival of my babies... Giving myself PERMISSION (remember the immense issues I had with permission a fair while back?? And that was all over having "a" beer...??) to do more for ME.... On a fitness level (I'm back into hockey again, and loving it) and on a social level (I'm playing poker regularly... and meeting some fantastic people, having great nights along the way...) Not to mention I've also allowed myself permission to seek afterhours care outwith family members, in order to allow myself to have this "me" time... Even better is the fact that my social interaction is becoming increasingly more about actual "in person" socialising, rather than relying on platforms like F***book to fulfil my social-driven needs... I feel like I have "A LIFE" again!

All in all, I think Mr.Maslow would be rather proud of me right now... I have attained the long-coveted "balancing act" I thought for so long would be IMPOSSIBLE being a mother to two young babies... I feel like the entirety of my heirachy of "needs" is being met... and thus I'm feeling immensely fulfilled and happy with the way things are running...

Of course I don't want to get ahead of myself... Needs and their being met are very fluid concepts... one small change and "Bam!" you can drop a few tiers on the needs pyramid... But I just like that for probably for the first time since having the babies, I'm in "this" place, a place I thought would be near impossible to get to... Such a contrast to not too long ago, where everything felt too unbalanced and there was too much stress, and drama... And that in itself is DEFINITELY worth CELEBRATING!!! :)

I think as well it makes me feel proud of myself. That I got here basically on my own, making my own choices, using my own self-determination, choosing only to be in situations which match my integrity and values. It shown me that attaining the balance actually CAN be done...

Now if only I could kick it up a notch on the "keeping on top of housework" debarcle (I've actually been REALLY good over the past couple of months, though still occasionally have days where it slides...!) I think I could become an "Oh so Suzy" instead of a "Not so Suzy" :) (I did buy a new mop today... if that counts!!)

Until next time - Heiwa-gai!!!!!!! :) x

Sure I'll fetch your slippers...!

2012-07-22T05:36:00.000-07:00

OK sooooo... I know I already posted something tonight... BUT... another discussion I just had with some folks over on another platform had me thinking about another blog post I've been meaning to write. So here goes!

Whilst the meaning behind "Not So Suzy" name-wise is the whole "I'm not so great at being Suzy Homemaker" concept - it doesn't necessarily reflect my beliefs, nor attitudes, towards house-life, roles, etc.

We were just flogging it out between us as to whether men or women should do the cooking/housework...

Now this may come as a surprise, particularly as I have expressed before how I struggle to keep on top of things - but - I actually prefer the whole traditional gender-role dynamic in a relationship. I think the only reason I struggle with it at present is because EVERYTHING is left up to me... However... when it comes down to the nitty gritty in a relationship, I prefer to do the "woman" stuff and the male to do the "man" stuff...

I have a few ideas as to why this may be. And it's not limited just to chores and duties, either. It's inclusive of my attitudes towards the type of dynamic I prefer in a relationship overall. I prefer the man to be the one who "wears the pants" so to speak... I like a guy that has the guts to put his foot down to me... I like a guy who likes to be in "charge"... My reasoning/logic behind this being that, because for soooooo long (after leaving home at a young age) and especially amplified since having the kids, I've HAD to be the one who does everything. Not to mention that certain relationships I had to "drive" them - I had to mother the overly-sensitive, "softer" types and "look after them" whilst being in charge of every single state of affairs to do with our home/social/financial lives...

So for me, I think, having a traditional dynamic in a relationship allows me to scooch over to the passenger seat for a while. It means I can let someone else take the wheel, put on the brakes when necessary, rather than forcing me to drive and, no doubt, end up running us into a ditch out of sheer frustration or boredom!

Now don't get me wrong - I don't imply that EVERYONE should be like this, or share a similar attitude. I just say "this is what I prefer and what works for ME"... (However it should be noted that in SOME cases, there was too much of an imbalance, but that's for "another time"! LOL)

What I dislike immmmmmmensely is when a woman might not share the same opinion, and then try to tell ME that I am "less of a woman" for wanting a dynamic as such... When I'm here saying "I'm all for whatever floats your boat, as far as dynamics are concerned, but for me this is my preference..." I'm not telling them it's wrong if they don't want to be as "traditional" as I might like... I'm not saying people who do the "50/50 equality" thing are wrong either... Noone is WRONG. The whole point of a successful relationship is being in one which the dynamic suits both parties and is how they prefer it to be... If I was a "lazy bitch who likes to be waited on hand and foot by a pussy-whipped milk-fed gimp" someone would probably have negative views on THAT too... It's almost as if you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't, CHOOSE to seek the dynamic YOU want...

I don't bitch on the way anyone else prefers THEIR relationships run, or their dynamic preferences. I say "Live and Let Live" and hope that I find happiness in the dynamic I choose myself one day.

Until next time - dinner's on the table and your work clothes are hanging behind the bedroom door!!! :P

Suzy xx

Buddha won't cut me some slack.... so I'd best get my own scissors....!

2012-07-22T02:33:00.002-07:00

Urghhh...

Tonight as I cracked some eggs I had a "fuck this shit" moment..You know those moments where you can be doing something completely mundane, and all of a sudden a whirlwind of deep and meaningful thought, and realisation, and reflection can suddenly come upon you? And before you know it, you've burnt the shit out of your eggs and the smoke alarm is bleeping it's tits off? And you find yourself saying "Fuck this shit!" as you scrape the waste into the bin...

What realisation I had in that moment was the fact I'm STILL repeating the SAME mistakes and SAME patterns and SAME sick cycles I have been forever and a day now... And EVERY time I get out of one situation where things have turned out just like the previous one, I tell myself, my friends, the WORLD - things will be DIFFERENT next time!! Things will be on MY TERMS! I'm in control and I'm the mistress of my OWN destiny and I will take charge and NOOOOOOOOONE will stop ME!

And then a few weeks or months later I again find myself doing similar shit... and I turn a blind eye to the alarm bells. Again. And I start making internal justifications or excuses, even, for my actions... And then for the actions of other people. And then again for my own actions for feeling like I must have brought the other person's actions on myself (IMPOSSIBLE you say?? I "know" this... but when I find myself in these circumstances, boy can I convince myself of nearly anything...)

And then weeks, or months, or in some cases, even YEARS will pass... and I've just done the same shit. Just in a different bucket...

Whiiiiiiiiiiich.... in turn.... "Da da da daaaaaaaa!" = leaves me finding myself, once again, questioning my OWN integrity, the one true value I hold with higher esteem above ANYTHING else, and would like to think I can expect to find in OTHERS...... yet clearly I forget to CONTINUE living with integrity, myself, once I've "broken" out of these cycles again... because integrity goes out the window, surely, once I accept choosing to participate in the same cycle again. Right??

So I'm not going to boldly profess: "This time I'll do it RIGHT!" Because I've said that before. And I've been wrong...

Instead... I'm going to question myself: "Why?"
Why do I allow myself to start up a cycle I didn't like the first, second, and subsequent times round?
Is it because I've become used to them? Feel comfortable with them? They're all I've known and therefore have little faith or belief that I even could do things differently, or escape from these shitty cycles? Do I believe I'm not WORTHY of anything BUT these kind of cycles? And if so, why not? Why shouldn't I deserve to only be living how I want to live, with integrity, doing only what satisfies me COMPLETELY and exactly how I want to be, not making exceptions or accommodating other people before myself, or diverting off the "new path" I plan out EVERY single time I leave one "chapter" of a cycle behind...?

When I start feeling like this... I of course, think about Buddhism, and all the "You repeat the same lessons until you either get it right, or die..." theorem. I don't want to die before I've mastered these lessons.

So when I find myself thinking like THIS....... I know it's time to start consider using a life coach again! Thus I've found myself a new life coach (after falling madly in love with my previous one - on an intellectual, platonic level) and am about to embark on a new course of coaching... Am hoping I'll finally be able to develop a better sense of sticking to my guns and determination, rather than letting it all fall by the wayside as I have in the past. Time to regain some focus, prioritising, self-determination and self-worth...!

In the meantime...... I've gotta go figure out a substitute for dinner...

'Til next time.... Give peas a chance <3
:P

For Sale: One Parrot

2012-07-13T07:18:00.001-07:00

In general... I love most people. But I hate gossip. People gossip... that just comes part of people being "people"... Luckily MOST of the people I call "friends" actually don't gossip... maybe that is why they're my friends...

People who do love gossip on the otherhand? Strangers... Or friends of friends. People who have never even met you... They feed on heresay... Drooling over the anticipation of the "juice" they're about to hear, despite that they don't even know the person it is about. They create a character that is "you" in their minds... and, furthermore, because they don't know you - and because you're not there to correct the person verbalising the gossip - they believe everything their acquaintance has to say about you.

One of my favourite adages from dear Buddha is this:

“Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.”

Recent events have led to me being the topic of other people's gossip... And as aforementioned, I'm not able to defend myself to the people who's ears are receiving such... The thing that makes me feel "okay" with the fact I'm being gossiped about? My own sense and knowing of my integrity... That I know I'm a person who places integrity above ALL else... And not only that, but that I am at peace with my own actions. I know that, despite everything I've been through this year thus far, my actions have always been congruent with my own values and beliefs. Sure, at times, I may have acted in a way others would not. At times, I may have been "at fault"...

But I'm conscious of this. I take responsibility for my own actions and mine alone... I don't pass the buck. Cast blame on anyone else. Deny what's true or lie to cover anything up... Because, given that I expect integrity from everyone else I interact with - I must ensure I myself am living up to that standard of integrity myself. I could sell my parrot to the town gossip, and live in no fear or shame of anything I've done over the last 6 months...

In my opinion - being eager to hear other people's gossip is just as bad as being a gossip itself... And the thing people seldom choose to remember at the time they're receiving new "news" - given that they're wrapped up in the excitement and the drama - is that more often than not the things people have to say, especially when being said in malice, are as fake as the people saying it...

I made a pact to myself the day I discovered the true meaning of integrity that I'd never let a lie fall from my lips... I've kept my word to myself, and therefore I sleep soundly at night. Knowing I possess such a virtue... And I have no intention of changing my ways anytime soon. To do so would be not being true to myself, the person I want to be, the values I choose to hold, the beliefs I possess and the self-worth I've managed to resuscitate... And I will be rejecting anyone who does not reciprocate. There will always be people gooing themselves over rumors... They just won't be my friends, acquaintances, lovers, etc.. and thus, if the people who talk about me aren't any of those - I won't know and won't care :)

And you know what they say anyway.... Haters gonna hate... Potatoes gonna Tate... :P

Peace over-and-out :) x

I'm Bringin' Suzy Back! :))))

2012-07-12T01:16:00.003-07:00

I'm regretful to confess. I did that thing that some Bloggers do sometimes...

I got all busy wrapped up in "another person" and life being busy and manic, sometimes enjoying myself, most of the time - not so much - that, the Blog that I loved and cared and nurtured OH so much was cast by the wayside... To steal a quote from Fight Club:

"Loved it intensely... then tossed it... like a Christmas tree. So special. Then, bam! It's on the side of the road... "

I dislike, immensely, the fact that I cast my blog by the wayside. Moreso even than the circumstances that led to my shoving it aside. It was like I put a part of myself to one side. Which pains me. I'm an "integrity person". Being the blogger that I was is a part of me. A part of my having integrity. I feel like I cheated myself by not keeping it going... Particularly given that, in retrospect, I not only had a LOT to be blogging about, but that it might have taken some attention away from all the chaos and turmoil that was clogging up my life and mind...

SO! Forgive me... I'm BRINGING SUZY BACK!!!!

I won't make my first returning post a long one. I won't go into detail of what WAS consuming me for all that time. I'll just leave you with my word, that, my motivation to write and share has returned... and most likely, stronger than it even was before. After all, no matter WHAT I go through, I always get through, and I always... ALWAYS... come through the other side stronger...

Until next time... peace in, out, in out, shake it all about.... :) x

The Birthday Story Volume 2. (For Maya, who turns 1 next weekend)

2012-02-25T00:40:00.005-08:00

Once upon a time there was a little girl Maya. She was bright and happy, and lived amongst the angels in heaven. She very happy there. She admired the beautiful colors in heaven and enjoyed listening to the beautiful music there, and that was where she belonged...

Maya used to have a little boy living in heaven with her, named Tyler. But one day, after the clouds parted in heaven, Tyler and Maya had caught a glimpse of the beautiful green earth below with all the people happily

playing and working and Tyler had longed to go there ever so much - so much so that their Angel had agreed, and allowed Tyler to go down to Earth. This left Maya in heaven... And before long, she decided that she wanted to go there too, and see what it was like.

She remembered all she had seen when the clouds had parted the day her and Tyler first saw the Earth. She had seen all the rainbow colors of the earth. She had seen butterflies visiting flowers and birds flying in the air, trees swaying in the breeze and leaves falling to the ground. She saw fish swimming in the sea and all the different plants that covered the earth. And importantly - she saw other children climbing trees, running, playing,

skipping about and jumping in the meadows and walking through sand and leaves. It was all so beautiful!

One day again, when Maya was alone, she saw a glimpse of the earth through the clouds again. She saw people working and enjoying their lives, and mothers and fathers, grandparents, uncles and aunts with the children of Earth.

She saw beaches and forests, mountains and islands, and on one of these islands she saw a beautiful mother with love and longing in her heart for another child - And also importantly, she saw her brother Tyler... and Tyler was with the mother... She saw how much love was shared between the mother and Tyler. She decided now was the time for her to go to Earth, too...

And so she asked her angel: "Please. May I go to that mother, and Tyler?"

The angel said: "You must go through the land of dreams, first."

The next night Maya had a dream. In it she dreamt that she went to the mother, and she held out her arms and said: "Please come and be my child. I will love you with all my heart and keep you from harm down here on Earth. You will be loved by me and Tyler with all our hearts. We have a special place here for you on Earth"

Maya went to the angel and told him the dream. The angel said: "Maya, It is definitely now time for you to go.You may join the mother and Tyler. The mother you have found you will give you and Tyler all the love and guidance

you will ever need in your life on Earth."

Maya said to the angel: "I am ready. May I go now?"

That night Maya went to sleep into dreamland and while ten moons waxed and waned she rocked in a little boat upon the sea. At the end of ten moons' time.

a beautiful rainbow bridge stretched from the heaven to earth and upon reaching it Maya took the form of a beautiful baby. From this bridge she slid from heaven to earth into her mother's arms.

The mother looked in awe at this new life and said "I shall

call her Maya... For that is the perfect name for her". And with that, Maya received her first earthly gift - her name... Tyler decided to put his own spin on her name. He named her "May-May" as a nickname :)

In Maya's first moments on earth, she opened her huge eyes and gazed at the mother. Her face was dainty and she peacefully lay calmly in her mother's arms. Yet again, as with Tyler, nothing - NOTHING - had prepared the mother for the love she would feel when

she first opened her beautiful eyes to look into her own...

In her first year, Maya grew healthily. She was a big girl! Long and chubby, with little rolls on her legs and arms...

She rolled over at 5 months, started crawling (albeit commando crawling!) at 6 & a half, cut her first 2 teeth at 7 months, and had 6 teeth by 11 months! She was walking along the furniture at 9 months, and was sure to soon take her first steps by the time she turned 1... As she grew, her eyes became more bright, sparkling blue - and her hair became fair.

She was pretty and precious. She began to develop a penchant for looking at

herself in the mirror, and babbling and talking away, with her first words being "Mum mum" and "Bub Bub"... And she loved her brother

Tyler - ever so much, and in return Tyler showed so much love for her.

They were lovely as brother and sister. And all together, the mother, Tyler and Maya, made a family...

And so, today, 1 candle - Maya's First Birthday Candle - will be lit to celebrate the day that Maya came to meet her mummy and her brother, and bring them both all the love and joy they needed, and so the mother would have a beautiful little girl to love alongside her little boy...

(This is my daughter's "Rainbow Bridge Birthday Story" - it is based on a Waldorf philosophy of telling the children a story about themselves, and their creation, in honour of their birthday. Each year an additional paragraph about the child is added to follow the previous years, and a candle is lit at the end of each year's paragraph - year by year, a candle at a time... A simplified version can be found in "Beyond the Rainbow Bridge", a book by Barbara J. Patterson and Pamela Bradley. The story found in this book can be adapted to create an individual story to tell specifically to your children about themselves with personal detail. This is my first "go" at a "Rainbow Bridge Story". Please don't copy or redistribute this one for yourself - if you wish to create one a basic outline of one can be found at http://herbnites.tripod.com/waldorfinspiredschool/id12.html )

"Sorry" for this post... ;)

2012-01-28T01:47:00.000-08:00

I "apologise" in advance for this post (hahaha! That's a pun... as you'll soon see!)... For those of you who know me well, you'll notice I say "sorry"... A lot. Sometimes because I am genuinely sorry... But often, so often, I am more than not likely actually sorry, but feel the need to say so... It's a compulsion. I apologise profusely for near enough anything...

My amazing life coach last year was the first person in an age to bluntly and honestly point out that I am a serial apologist... And drew my attention that, when I am apologising, I'm focusing on negative actions and sending myself a message that I, or what I have to say, or both, is not "good enough" and thus I feel the need to apologise.

But I apologise far too much... And you know what I noticed today? My son is starting to follow suit. He's apologising when he bumps inanimate objects... He says sorry on my behalf at times... Whilst it's sweet, and polite, I don't want his self-worth and esteem to be affected by a compulsion to apologise. I want him (and my daughter) to both grow up feeling confident in saying what they mean, and meaning what they say...

Sooooo (and I'll confess, I am not confident in how successful I will be, but....) I have decided to pose myself a challenge. I am not going to apologise for the next month. Unless I do something which genuinely and honestly requires an apology, I am not going to say "sorry"... If I ask a question, I'm not going to be "sorry to bother you..." If I say something somewhat bold or brassy, I'll say it with conviction, not cower into an apology afterwards - that completely deflates the effect of the statement being made. I'm not going to say sorry for changing my mind, or for my children's actions, or anyone elses' for that matter... For the next 30 days, I am going to NOT utter another non-genuine apology for anything or anyone...

Because the classic "lead by example" - I don't want my kids apeing my mannerisms to the extent that I do myself... If I had some sort of magic pedometer style counting device, that ticked over every time I said sorry in a day - the numbers would be staggering...

I think the only way to live authentically happy is to pay a bit more attention to the overuse of this phrase... I'm not sorry for the way I'm living, the thoughts I'm thinking, how I'm choosing to spend my time, what feelings or emotions I am experiencing, or what I have to say...

So (sorry... haha!) but this is the last apology without substance you'll be getting from me... Wish me luck... I hope to come out a better person for it on the other side :)

As always - peace out xx

So long as it doesn't kill me, I can stomach anything...

2012-01-22T16:22:00.000-08:00

You know when you have an impending feeling that something might go wrong? Or when you're on a winning streak and thus can't believe that things are so right, that you're just "waiting for the inevitable". When anxiety sets in, different people (I touched on this in my article about "The Pain Body a few months back) manifest different physical reactions to the reactions of their psyche. For me, stress "goes to my guts". Quite literally. I get an upset stomach and cramps and general feelings of nausea. It's not very nice! And it kicks in without me having too much control over it. Funnily, my sister is the same... if she's nervous or stressed, her body purges it through her guts as well.

So on a very sparce but impactual few occasions recently, I've experienced that "looming" feeling... It doesn't happen often - most normally, I am relatively positive and optimistic, resting assured that no matter what life has thrown at me thus far I have always landed on my feet and thus have the confidence I always will... And today, a dear friend pointed out to me, that "if everything were to fuck up (so to speak) the worst I would experience would be a pain in the stomach"... and then even more simplified again: "You'd get a sore tummy". My world wouldn't come crashing down. I wouldn't die. The Earth wouldn't implode - I'd get a short-lived, sore tummy, and then it'd be all gone...

How REASSURING is THAT? And the best part of this now - NOW - is that I realise: I can make myself open to ANYTHING... I can allow a whooooooole heap of new and wonderful experiences into my life, and be assured that, at the very worst, if things go wrong, I'll end up with a little tummy pain. Life will still carry on. So rather than not experience all these amazing and wonderful things, and miss out of them out of fear that it'll all be over, or go wrong, or turn bad, or not be as I thought... I can simply enjoy them gambling ONLY a stomach ache on them...

What a fantastic new perspective to acquire on the day I turn 28... The worst that can happen is a sore tummy...

So bring on EVERYTHING that this year may! The good, the maybe bad, the slightly scary, the amazing, the wonderful, the beautiful and the different. Because after all, there's nothing a couple of Buscopan tablets wouldn't fix! :D

And on that note - I'm off to take my 28 year old tummy off to fill it with good birthday food and cake and marshmallows and frappes! :)

'Til next time - Peace Out xxx

"When I grow up, I want to be 28..."

2012-01-15T02:50:00.000-08:00

When I was about 7 (Miss Carpanzano's class... I must have been 7) I remember writing this sentence in my writing book... "When I grow up, I want to be 28..." No elaboration. Just that one simple phrase. Almost eerie... And now - with my birthday swiftly arriving, I am finally about to turn 28...! So with this birthday, unlike other years, comes some sense of magic (or even hope? expectation? Who knows! MYSTERY!)

28 has always been a special number to me... It's my lucky number, for a start... It features in the name of my favourite teenage-years band (28 Days)... "2828" was my pin number on my bank account for many years (it's not now though, so don't even try and rob me!) When I was 14 (which is half of 28, by the way :P) I "planned" to get a tattoo of an "8-ball" but instead of just an "8" ball it was going to be a "28-Ball" (*ahem* it's a good thing we don't always commit to the tattoos we think we want during adolescence!)

Even deeper, there are many symbolic theories made around the number 28... The Dr. Allendy observes that the number 28 combines cyclic times: 4 and the evolutionary times: 7. "It is the spiral of the evolution unfolding among the perpetual cycles of the nature; it is the being progressed in the permanent oscillations of the Cosmos"...

There are 28 days in a moon cycle (and ANYONE who knows me knows how significant a moon cycle is to me!!!) and thus 28 days would have been the number of days for which Buddha contemplated under his little Fig Tree... Brahmans believe there are 28 Angelic states above the human beings... There are 28 different animals in the Chinese zodiac... There are 28 days in a natural "Biorythym" or emotional cycle (I track these regularly... interesting stuff, if you've -never heard of them before maybe you should look it up!) In Gematrian beliefs (where numbers are assigned word "values") the number 28 represents the word and virtue of "GOOD"...

And... one of my favourite kooky little 28 facts is that the age of 28 is the age at which our bodies actually physically stop "growing" and thus we are considered biologically "fully developed" once we hit 28... any bodily actions from then on in is just maintenance and repair-work, there's no "new" growth or development to any parts of our bodies...

28 is also the age at which (according to Astrology) most people experience their first "Saturn return" (around 28-29 years of age...) It's a period in one's life considered to bring a whooooooole lot of change and restructuring... and basically it's where Saturn returns to the exact same place it was at the time you were born...

Thus, in a way, "28" could be considered the age at which physically (ie. stop of further growth) and cosmically (Saturn returns) we are told "it's time to grow up"... How ironic? Given that little "out-there" statement I wrote at the age of 7 (which, is a quarter of my age at 28... *cue hippy mystic music*!!!)

I take it therefore that me turning 28 can ONLY mean AWESOME things... Already leading up to this year have I put many a wheel in motion, changed several attitudes, developed so much as a person and mastered the art of discernment and discard of drama... Now seems the time when everything will come together, and I may quite possibly be able to say "I've officially 'grown up'..."

So bring on 28... with all your power and glory and whimsy... How magically special I feel to be turning 28 this year...! Hurray for 28 :) Bring it on!

Peace :)

"Thankful Thursday"

2012-01-11T17:24:00.000-08:00

I thought it was about time that I reflected upon the things I am thankful for... 2011 was a pretty rough year for me - it was chaotic, and felt drawn-out and tiresome... Thus the first thing I am thankful for, is the fact that 2011 is OVER (and never to be spoken of again!) and 2012 is just beginning...

So to celebrate my gratefulness of this new year, I am going to record what else I am thankful for...

I am thankful, of course, for the pure serendipity that brought my children to me... That they essentially, in all reality, "shouldn't be here", yet they are and for that I am eternally grateful... My children chose to become my children, and I can never be thankful enough for that...
I am thankful for anyone who has ever done me wrong... Because it's the most effective tool in being able to see the good in those who have not. If everyone was as fantastic as the people I choose to be close to, those people might not shine as bright. So cheers to the assholes who have made my friends and family "most awesome" in comparison!
I am thankful for both experiences of getting it right the first time, but also for times of repeating "mistakes" over and over again until you've finally mastered the lesson that you were supposed to be learning... Whilst it'd be "nice" to be perfect all the time and never fuck up, it's life, and sometimes we fuck up. The trick is learning not to continually make the same fuck ups... and if you do, you'll ultimately EVENTUALLY and inevitably arrive at your destination regardless - it'll just take you longer, but the lesson might sink in deeper for that reason alone.
I am thankful that I am now old enough to have a really healthy attitude towards life, and people... I've figured out the importance of discernment, and love that no longer do I immerse myself in other people's dramas or live vicariously through others... that gossip and idle botherliness no longer stirs excitement inside me, and basically only really worry what's going on under my own roof these days... It's not that I don't care about what's going on in other people's lives, it's just I've learnt to relish my own far better than to need to be submerged in the business of others...
I am also thankful, on a similar note, that I've learnt to shrug off what others may think of me and my business, and am no longer phased when people are critical about the choices I have, or am, or will be making... As my mother always reminds me "Those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter - DON'T MIND!"
I am thankful for ANYONE who can think outside the box...! In the last couple of years I have collected a FABULOUS array of interesting people - not constrained by geography nor gender nor age or demographic - whom I can enjoy the most scintillating conversations and friendship with... Because of their openmindedness and ability to think outwith the norm. Because it'd be pretty damn average if everyone thought the same... Random (not in the "I'm a teenager on Facebook and OMG look at me I'm like SOOOOO random I have cold spaghetti on my face and a huge flesh tunnel through my ear and I'm singing I'm a Little Tea Pot whilst wearing a flower pot on my head" sense - rather the "not constricted by the normal mode of thinking) is cool... Thanks for randomness... and "random" people...
I am thankful that I was born with decent brains, in a decent country, with a decent level of freedom and autonomy, and decent healthcare/services, and that my life will ever-more be relatively decent... but thankful also that I have the heart and proactivity to empathise with those who don't and make my difference if and when I can...
I am thankful for anyone who chooses to seize their passion and do something with it... I am acquainted with SO many people whom are following their dreams and doing whatever makes them happy. I am in awe of those who use their creativity, whether it be through art or sewing or writing or anything! I am glad that I found these people as they helped me identify passion and creativity within myself which had long been dormant whilst I plodded along working for the sake of working, not for the sake of enjoyment, and thus am thankful for what I am doing with my life right now and where I am heading...
I am thankful for my family. Because they love me, just exactly how I am...
I am thankful for fate, divine timing, serendipity and going out on a limb and taking a chance... What an adventure such forces creates in ones life!
I am thankful that I have brains in my head, and feet in my shoes, that I can steer myself in any direction I choose... That I'm on my own, and I know what I know... and that I'll be the one who decides where to go ;)

'Til next time - peace out :)

My kids don't "get" Christmas...

2011-12-07T15:14:00.000-08:00

No tree is sacred to a 9 month old...!

I've never been a huge fan of Christmas... not since my early adolescence where suddenly the magic was gone, and Christmas was just about being dragged to a distant family member's house where you couldn't drink (too young) and was expected to look after any younger kids that were there... It was a bit of a drag from about 14 yrs of age onwards.... However when I first had Tyler, and his first Christmas rolled round (he was 3 months old) I was SO excited about the festivities again... That I could finally do the magical Christmas hullabaloo for my little family like I'd experienced as a child myself.

But Christmas when the kids are still very little is not that exciting really... Maya no doubt will just want to eat wrapping paper. Tyler will be a bit more excited by the prospect of "presents" but is still too young to understand the concept of Father Christmas, or why Christmas is celebrated at all... that an the fact that we're not overly religious means that really, it's just "present day" for Tyler and that's about it... Both kids positively shit themselves when I tried to introduce them to Santa for a Christmas photo this year, and thus I'm being ever so slightly "humbug" about it all...

I'm not putting up a tree this year - given I've beared witness several times to what happens to a Christmas tree whilst Maya is in the vicinity. It's stripped from the boughs within arm's reach down and glitter gets everywhere, Maya crunches on plastic baubles and decorations and the lights are dangerously yanked about leaving the tree rocking ominously from side to side... I can't take the kids to go see the Christmas lights as they're so adamant about being in bed before dark that they'd not get to see anything... I'm not even buying a great deal of presents this year - well, at least not toys... My kids have FAR too many toys as it is. They've got some pretty amazing hand-made/WAHM made gifts but aside from that, things are being kept pretty low key... We'll do the whole charity shebang - donating gifts reminiscent of those the kids would receive for their appropriate ages to our local Salvos or church Christmas collection as we do every year. But aside from that, we're not doing a great deal...

I do have three things on my own "wish list" which I'll tackle in the new year when Christmas has passed and I'm more financial for it... A bottle of Stella McCartney "Stella" perfume (because I just can't suck up enough of the smell of old fashioned peony roses), a new couch (because ours is squalid after Tyler has painted it with yoghurt or milk or whathaveyou on several occasions, and a coffee machine (because the nasty Ebay seller I bought one from this month never ended up sending it. Asshole...)

However in true single-mummy fashion, I of course feel guilty for wanting such "luxuries" and inevitably will either put them off until they're forgotten, or will end up buying them around August next year when there are no birthdays or holidays in sight!

Call me mean, but I think I'm just going to take it easy this year and relish in the fact that the kids still don't yet "get" Christmas... It doesn't mean I don't love them any less, nor will they miss out (especially considering how much the grandparents spoil them so specially!) but basically - Christmas Day in our house will be rather humble and low-key... Which is a big relief to me, especially when I contrast it to some of my friends whose days are racking up to be a manic, insane experience. So long as me and my kids get our breakfast bowl of Cherries on Christmas morning (tradition for me!) we'll be happy :)

'til next time - Peace (on Earth) Out :P

Wordless Wednesday... (though in fairness, it's hard to be wordless... I have SO much to blog about!!!)

2011-12-06T13:14:00.000-08:00

Fear and (Self-) Loathing in Las Single-Parenthood

2011-11-20T00:09:00.000-08:00

As you may (or may not - depends how long you've been following) remember - I wrote a post once on the concept of dating after a relationship that spawned little people (need refreshing? Click >here<)... And I can quite confidently say that I'm finally at "that stage" where I've decided "yep... I'm kinda sick of being on my own 100 percent of my "child-free" time I get"... Sure, that time is not often, but when I do find myself on my own once the kids have gone to bed, or childcare, or their grandparents', I'm wanting company during said time...

However I have reached a conclusion over a couple of weeks of introspection and pensiveness... I haven't taken time for myself enough to get MYSELF ready for the prospect of "dating" someone... I am scared shitless of what might happen. And I feel too gross to even take the whole concept seriously. This saddens me. I am young, smart, somewhat entertaining, witty and gregarious... Yet I feel like soiled goods... It's a horrible feeling. Before I had the kids, I used to be so much more confident in myself...

For a start, I'm going through a real "self-loathing" phase - physically namely... My ass is the fattest it's been in years... My body is thrashed from giving birth to two babies practically back to back and I find myself in the fat club for a start... The plan for summer was to get myself fit enough to return to my sporting passion this April (Hockey) and so far I've barely made a start - and feel too frumpy to drag myself to a gym. The skin on my face is still "hormonally patchy" (you know that mask of pregnancy thing some women get? Pigmentation on the skin of your face??) and whilst I'm battling my state of contraception at late, I've found myself prone to breakouts making me feel even more grotesque... My hair still hasn't recovered from being sapped of nutrients in its entirety, and I still have a few faded stretchmarks which I'd rather I didn't... I guess at the very least I can count my blessings that I wasn't torn from asshole to breakfast or ended up with countless stitches, else I'd probably be ridiculously obsessed with that part of my anatomy and what condition it's in, too!

Second of all, keeping on top of the housework on a day to day level is pretty cyclical. Before I go to bed, I do a clean up en masse of the days worth of crap that has accumulated around the house (mainly from the toddler) so we wake up to a clean household... Cactus Hour runs from approx. 5:30pm til 7:00/7:30pm and hence the clean-up doesn't get done after this time. An average "date" on my behalf requires at least a solid hour's preparation in terms of self-care, clothing, makeup, hair hence were I to arrange a "date" at a normal hour, I'd run risk of either myself, or the house, looking shit-house... And considering my level of self-condfidence is fuck-all at the moment anyhow, I'd probably lean towards paying attention to myself, meaning my house wouldn't be as immaculate as I'd prefer it to be before having visitors. Conundrum. I'm one of those people that genuinely worries about what people think of the state of me, or my house, despite knowing that I'm a relatively awesome and intelligent person, I can't help but assume people are keeping a score-card of the state of my own and my surrounding's appearance...

Third of all is the biggest thing I have to overcome. I am shit freaking scared. I'm scared I'll end up in a relationship with (or even worse - pregnant to) another complete bastard, useless fuckwit, lazy dead-shit, control-freak, abusive asshole or all-round-c-word... I'm ridiculously untrusting and fearful and hence overwhelmingly hesitant based on previous relationships and truly need to learn to trust that (as my friends keep reassuring me) "there are good guys out there" and "not everyone is like your ex(s)"... Easier said than done. I'd rather be alone than walked all over again... Christ, finding a "Mr. Nice Guy" is hard enough when you're not feeling like you're a "bottom of the barrel" woman - so many of my attractive, working, childless female friends are struggling to find "Mr. Right" - let alone someone "like me"...

So I think I need to do a bit of self-renovating (both mentally/emotionally and physically)... Either that, or just come to terms with "I am what/who I am, and the "right" person will accept me exactly as that"... Though I feel for my own self-benefit, I should concentrate on the former rather than the latter... At the end of the day, even if it doesn't make me a "better person" for somebody else, at least it does for myself... Because surely being healthy, fit, and having confidence Maria Von Trapp would envy has got to be better than being a fat fuck who has no faith in humanity or relationships...!

Deep down I know the dream of being "Chelsea-Dagger-burlesque-awesome" is still there... though before, it was being "with somebody" that used to motivate me to "become her"... Now, I need to grab my own life by the balls and get to a state of "Chelsea Dagger" without relying on someone else's encouragement... It's time for some serious self-commitment. I've seen friends do it, I've seen my own mother do it, and after Tyler well I was doing pretty well at doing it myself (and if it weren't for Maya's conception I probably would have gotten all the way there!)

So until next time, peace out... (and "Say No!" to the custard tarts!!!) :P