I’m going to try to sell you something in this post.

Something that you likely don’t really need, want or even care about. But I will still dress it up as if it’s the solution to all your problems.

Hopefully, this will hit some emotional nerve that will magically force you to make a rash decision you will later regret. But of course, you will keep that regret to yourself since it would expose you to the world as a total dumbass.

But you are. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for.

First I must mesmerize you with an eye catching headline.

One that addresses a key benefit of my product, yet greatly inflates the actual result you’ll achieve when applying it.

How about…

Explode your pathetic blog with a massive money shot of traffic splooge and make your reader’s balls fly off in an hysterical avalanche of gushing laugh juice!

Now that I have you hooked in, I have to find your pain point. Something you’ve been struggling with immensely that I can exploit for my own personal gain. Whether or not my product actually solves this problem is irrelevant.

I’m a marketer, not a miracle worker, right?

Have you ever woken up thinking today will be the day you’ll finally end it all?
Are you tired of editing your suicide note with a new date, only to have to do it again the next day?
Do you know how to tie a noose like an expert but just don’t have a pipe high enough to hang yourself from?

Now that I’ve found the pain point of many of my readers (as you must be suicidal to come to my blog on a regular basis), I must now show why the remedy to all your failings as a human being is being kept from you. That I somehow have gained the super secret knowledge of the gods and will be revealing it to you against the better judgement of all of humanity.

Of course, you would think that I could profit more by keeping these secrets under lock and key using it only for my benefit. But my purpose is greater than that. In fact, I’m only sharing this mysticism because after releasing this product, I am retiring from the earth to the netherworld never to be seen again. That is, until version 2.0 comes out next year.

Yes, even though these are highly sensitive advanced secret techniques used by the gods, I must let you know that they’re as simple as shit. So simple, even your dumbass can do it.

In fact, it’s so easy that even the fake people in my testimonials could do it. C’mon, if fictional characters made up in my sadistic mind could accomplish these feats, it’ll be a piece of cake for you as a real person.

Learn the ancient art of writing funny gut-busting blog posts!
A foolproof system Greek philosophers have kept hidden on buried temple scrolls for 3000 years!
Translated for you in an simple 5-step blueprint even a comatose illiterate can understand and profit from!

Now that I’ve wet your appetite and given you a unnecessary sense of loss, it’s time to bombard you with social proof.

Somehow I have to show you the millions of people achieving unparalleled success with my super awesome blog post writing formula. This is supposed to make you feel more comfortable handing over your money, since if there are tons of other dumbasses who got duped, you won’t feel as bad when you see no results from this overpriced purchase.

Of course, I can’t use actual testimonials. There are none. The only e-mails I’ve received are from those who bought my products previously who have cursed the living shit out of me for producing such garbage. So I’ll just do a little creative editing to highlight the key parts of their correspondence that make my product seem awesome enough to cure cancer.

“I’ve made myself clear more than three times that I want my money back. Thanks for nothing, asshole. I can imagine you don’t give two shits, but by simply ignoring me, I’ll just continue following your scammy ass wherever you go so I can stick this blueprint up your fucking ass.”

Ok, now that you’ve seen a quote from one of my happy customers, it’s time to vomit out exactly what it is you’re going to waste your money on. This will always be displayed inside of what’s known as a “Johnson box”.

Why is it called this, you might ask? Well, it’s because it’s the point of the page where while you’re reading it, I’m sitting at home waving my big ass Johnson at you. All while laughing maniacally at how easily you can be persuaded to take an action simply by placing text inside of a square of dotted lines.

But wait, there’s more! This is supposed to be where I show you 742 other valueless things you get included with this already worthless product. But I won’t bog you down with even more material you’ll fail to actually utilize since this was purely an impulse buy on your part from the get-go. I’ll do even better though. I’m going to double your order!

That’s right, folks. You will get two copies of this purely digital product. Yes, I know you can easily duplicate an mp4 file to your hearts content on your computer – but isn’t it always true that the copy never really lives up to the quality of the original? Now you can have one for your house… and one for your car!

Now that I’m coming to the end of my sales pitch, there’s only one way to wrap it all up. A big fat “add to cart” button.

Never mind the fact that I don’t sell any other products. Never mind the fact that there’s no other option to add any further things to your order. It may just be that my product is filled with just so much damn awesomeness that it’s the only item that can fit into your imaginary pointless virtual shopping cart.

Actually, it’s because if I ask you to “buy now”, then you might actually come to your senses that you don’t need this fucking thing at all. I want to make it as painless as possible for you to open up your wallet without you having to take real accountability for your actions.

Adding something to a cart sounds much friendly in nature as if you’re perusing the produce section at the supermarket. Little do you know how similar it is indeed, since you’re essentially paying for a lemon of a product.

P.S. - I didn’t forget the P.S. section of my sales pitch.

P.P.S. - This is where I remind you again of all the enormous non-value you’re going to get from my product.

P.P.P.S - This is where I make one last ditch attempt at convincing you not to click away.

P.P.P.P.S - At this point, you’ve clicked off this page so it doesn’t matter what I write here anyways.

P.P.P.P.P.S - Seriously, though. This is a real product. That part isn’t a joke. So please buy my shit!

Related posts:

1. A Message To Comedians: Get Connected Or Die
2. How To Be Funny, Educate and Influence People
3. Excuse Me, But YouTube Views Don’t Pay The Bills

Of the many entrepreneurs I met at BlogWorld last year, one that definitely stood out was Chris Ducker. A genuinely funny dude in his own right, here’s an interview he did with me there for his Virtual Business Lifestyle blog.

Among other things, we discuss the importance of social media in building a personal brand, why you must stand out from the crowd from the get-go, the difference of being part of a niche and “owning” it, and whether web video is the future of content.

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2. Dumb People Click On Links
3. Greatest Liszt Post Ever Written

How do you deal with problem customers? Take a page out of a stand-up comedian’s playbook and treat them like unruly hecklers. Learn from my wholly NSFW five-minute presentation from Ignite Cincinnati this past November.

By the way, I was absolutely shocked no one in the crowd yelled “you suck!” as a joke.

Related posts:

1. A Message To Comedians: Get Connected Or Die
2. How To Be Funny, Educate and Influence People
3. Does Your USP Stand For Useless Self-Promotion?

Blogworld Virtual Ticket – the best way to attend BlogWorld LA 2011 without being there.

With over 100 hours of expert educational sessions about social media, blogging, SEO, podcasting, mobile marketing, photography, content creation, video streaming, monetization and anything else that involves at least 5 different buzzwords…

If you don’t learn virtually everything you’d need to know to improve your online presence, you’re just an idiot.

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2. Excuse Me, But YouTube Views Don’t Pay The Bills
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Facebook didn’t start as a reaction to any of the existing social networks like Friendster; it occurred because Mark Zuckerberg saw a way to provide useful functions for a market that needed them. Unless you have a way of providing more utility than that - and not just a place to complain about how you don’t like Facebook - then your competing network is likely dead on arrival. ~ Mathew Ingram

If your business’ unique value proposition is “not being the competitor”, it won’t succeed. People don’t care about what you’re not. They care about what you are.

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1. Don’t Worry About Privacy: No One Cares About You
2. Does Your USP Stand For Useless Self-Promotion?
3. Facebook Is Playing A Bigger Game Than Many Believe

In my recent consulting with several comedians looking to build an online presence, I’ve heard three of them utter virtually the same exact line to me when talking about goals:

“I want to get a million views on YouTube.”

With all excitement in their eyes, hoping that I can unveil the magic bullet secret to achieving the success they’re shooting for, I gave them practically a 180 degree answer that throws them for a total loop:

“I don’t know about you, but my landlord doesn’t take YouTube hits for rent.”

Sure, it may make you feel all warm inside when your stupid video goes “viral” and amasses 600,000 views in a week. But that and a $1.50 buys you a cup of coffee.

Even if you’re not a comedian or not utilizing video, you can easily substitute website traffic in its place. Every time I hear people feverishly asking how to get more traffic, more eyeballs, more tweets, more Facebook likes, I put my head in my hands and give out a disgusted sigh. Why? Because unless you have a means to convert whatever you’re doing into money, then what does it matter?

Whenever I follow up this deer-in-the-headlights conversation with someone, it always comes back to one thing: a business model.

What exactly is your plan for earning income from people, not viewers?
Are you selling something directly? (a product, DVD, eBook, etc.)
Are you leveraging exposure for indirect income opportunities? (live performances, consulting gigs, etc.)

Inevitably, the conversation turns to the ad-based model of monetization. I don’t know how people estimate the income made on a typical CPM basis without having any experience with it, but all I know is that 99.9% of who I speak to grossly overestimate it – as if these viral video sensations are pulling in $10k a day from overlays, text link ads and so forth. I’ve been a YouTube partner and know others who are as well – and one single video with a million views will barely pay for a night’s dinner for two.

One comedian I’m friends with here in Louisville actually has a bunch of YouTube videos with a 6-7 figure viewership and consistently publishes content that hits 5 figures easily. And I find it completely ridiculous when he calls me up excited about the $9 he made today, $17 yesterday and $300 approximate expected earnings for the month. This is what I told him, pretty much:

“Dude, you got over a million individual people to watch you this month. Don’t you think 300 lousy bucks in return is total shit for that amount of exposure and attention? You get paid 5-10 times that for one 45 minute live performance in front of a hundred people – and you sell a DVD to 5% of them for $20 afterwards…”

“…now superimpose that to your YouTube channel. You perform at a comedy club knowing that some of the people there will buy your DVD, right? But imagine that instead of 200 people being there, you have a MILLION butts in those seats. How much money would you make off of DVD sales then? Probably so much that you’d be happy to do the gig itself for absolutely free. So why the hell are you getting so excited about making $300 after performing virtually in front of that many people?”

And that there is the point. There’s no purpose in generating traffic without the means of converting eyeballs into dollars.

Ad-based income streams usually need a lot of traffic for a good living.
Direct sales income need as much traffic as compared to your price point/markup.
Indirect income streams usually don’t need much traffic whatsoever.

Could your online presence be something you’re building up to monetize? Sure – but have a fucking plan. Your exact business model will determine how much traffic you’d need to reach your goals. You may find that a bajillion hits is unnecessary – and even if you get that much, remember that they alone don’t pay the bills.

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According to the L.A. Times, DirecTV is talking to studios about offering an on-demand service that would allow it to charge upwards of $30 for customers to rent movies 60 days after after opening in theaters and at least a month before hitting the DVD shelves. ~ The Consumerist

As I’ve said on a previous podcast, the primary consumer motivating factor with purchasing content is access, not price.

Would people pay $30 to rent a movie that’s still in theaters? Absolutely. But only if the access is at least equally as convenient and time-sensitive as the original released format. That means that new blockbuster flick needs to be available throughout all content channels at the same time. Online, offline, in theaters, whatever.

Although this VOD initiative is a step in the right direction, the movie industry is still clinging to a legacy model that prioritizes cannibalization over actually serving the best interests of the consumer. Too often they’re thinking about the top 20% of their demographic who will possibly re-purchase content in multiple formats at different time intervals. But what about the other 80% who might never be exposed to it because the convenience factor doesn’t match up to their enthusiasm in seeing the film?

Consider how often you’ve watched a movie on cable because it looks interesting, yet will not make the leap for the same type of movie that’s currently in theaters. That’s because there’s much more of a logistical investment to leave the house:

Maybe the theater is a few miles away.
The parking there may be a problem.
The specific showing time may not work with your schedule.
Maybe you have kids and need to get a babysitter.

How many movies would people see if all these objections were moot points? Just give people what they want. They will pay a premium to access content given the choice to do so that benefits the individual consumer’s preferences, not the publisher’s.

To the movie industry: I still haven’t seen The Adjustment Bureau although it looks up my alley. I’ll leave $20 on my table. Feel free to come get the cash when you don’t force me to leave my house to see it right now. (Oh, and in three months, I’ll totally forget about it – so you won’t get a DVD sale then either.)

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1. You’re Not Only As Good As Your Last Blog Post
2. A Message To Comedians: Get Connected Or Die
3. Is Silicon Valley Just One Big Pyramid Scheme?

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I’ve been doing stand-up comedy professionally for almost 15 years, but for 13 of those years, I was doing it wrong. Maybe not necessarily from the performance or writing perspective, but from the marketing end.

While I was driving 7 hours to gigs in the middle of nowhere for less than stellar pay, week in and week out, I thought getting more gigs, booked in more rooms and in front of the right influential people, that I would end up going places. And that I did – going to more low pay one-nighter gigs at bars and clubs. Still barely able to make rent. Still driving the same beat-up car. Still struggling to keep my schedule full so I can get by.

Until I got connected.

Through this blog, creating online content, conversations on Twitter and Facebook, guest writing on other sites, attending or speaking at conferences, participating in webinars and joint venturing with other people on creative projects online – I’ve made more advancement in my comedy career in 2 years than I have the 13 years previously.

I went from doing 30-35 weeks on the road to hand-picking only the gigs I want to do, eliminating much of the grueling travel and opting to stay close to home more often. I went from taking any and every booking that came my way, regardless of pay, to now declining more gigs than I actually do. I’m performing on stage less, but I’m making way more money. I no longer have to just “get by”.

That’s why I don’t want my fellow creative performers to get stuck in the same rut as I was in. As comedians, you have a very unique gift that can be applied in many different ways across the board. It’s not just about standing on stage at a comedy club and making 150 drunks laugh at a few jokes. You’re a content creator, no matter what platform it’s on. Utilize them all, especially when the internet makes it so fucking easy to get it out there to so many people – more than the 40 rednecks who you’re bombing in front of at a dive bar in Tennessee on a Tuesday night.

Recently, I spoke with Josh Spector of Connected Comedy on how comedians need to approach their career from 2011 onward. Take a listen above.

Don’t be one of those washed-up dinosaur headliners who let their career slip right by them. Get connected or die.

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1. Excuse Me, But YouTube Views Don’t Pay The Bills
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Ever since the tragic events last week in Japan, I’ve read a ton of blog posts and tweets from companies who are “donating” to the rescue/rebuilding efforts there.

In no way would I ever scoff at the notion of charity, but almost every single one of these glorified PR releases has a social media-enabled “condition” to pledge.

For every “like” on our Facebook page will we donate…
All of our proceeds the next week from our iOS app…
If we get over 1000 tweets of the message we will…

Go fuck yourselves. This is so unbelievably disgusting, it defies every bone in my body not to fly to each and every office of these companies and kick someone in the nuts.

Well, what if you don’t get X amount of likes/tweets?
What if you don’t sell any widgets, apps or piece-of-shit products?
Are you just going to sign a fat check of $0 and send that to Japan?

As Ben Paddon proclaims on his watchdog-like gaming journalism blog:

So let me get this straight – your company has up to $25,000 earmarked for donation to the Red Cross to go directly to aid Japan, but you’re only going to give them the money if a sufficient quantity of people “Like” you on Facebook? Do you not think it’s a little, I don’t know, fucking douchey to try and use a catastrophic natural disaster to selfishly promote your shitty game company?

If you’ve got the money set aside for the Red Cross, just fucking give it to them. Promising to only give any it to charity on the proviso that people pay attention to your Facebook page is fucking despicable.

I get the PR play, though. It looks like your business is actually “human” to give to charities and pulls at the hearts of potential and existing customers alike. I get it. Most of them are probably sincere gestures. I don’t doubt that.

The companies also likely think naively that adding that social media activation and “going viral” will primarily get more people to donate to the cause – and not in any way is designed to raise the brand, profile and top-of-mind of said company to move more goods/services they offer. But it sure looks like that.

Instead of adding a caveat, just donate the fucking money. Send out a press release. Pat yourselves on the backs. Watch your community give a big thumbs up to you. Surely, that’s the goal. So why extort the shit out of them in the process?

For every comment that disagrees with me, I’m donating $1 to the Red Cross.

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3. Confessions Of A Free Addict

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In a previous post, I surmised that Facebook is quickly moving to take over not just our online interactions, but our offline interactions as well. If everything you did was shared with your social graph, would it make you a better or worse consumer? Does it help or hurt business that we know more about each other than ever before?

Join Nathan Hangen and I as we dive into this on the Free Market Anarchy podcast.

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