So, on January 13^th, I asked my husband for a divorce. Things have been strained for some time now and while there were many attempts on my part to work on and improve things, it seemed it was more one-sided than I could deal with in the long run. The beginning of this year sort of solidified some things in my head and brought other things to the foreground that I hadn’t been willing to address/recognize until then. I spent some time depressed and writing it out and all, but in the end I felt it must be done. I needed to find happiness within myself. I couldn’t continue to be hurt by waiting for him to be someone he never will be or to suddenly understand how to make me happy. His silence was like a knife in my heart every day and I felt it unfair to both of us to stay so unhappy.

The amazing part is that despite the initial shock, he totally gets it and supports me! I spent the week after Fatty Affair packing. I’d found a room for rent in a house in my actual neighborhood! It’s nuts how things work out sometimes. It’s three blocks from what is now my husband’s apartment. I moved in and spent my first night in the new place Sunday night.  If you’ve ever been to my old café, I painted my room the exact color! It’s called “Sweet Nothings” by Valspar. I adore it! I get to have a bit of my café with me while also being surrounded by this gorgeous and not-too-vibrant color! And I bought a set of curtains…I’d never even had curtains before!

This past month and a week has been a whirlwind; mostly an emotional one, but a physical one, too. There were plenty of bumps and hiccups along the way, but I’m hopeful that the worst of those are over with. I certainly could not have done it without the love and support of my closest friends and this of course includes my husband.

I feel compelled to strike out on my own for the first time (for the most part) and seek out what the world has to offer! I want to begin writing my book and get back into the art scene and just do all the things, ya know?! Ha-ha! It is completely scary and terrifying; don’t get me wrong, I have never truly been on my own. I can’t say that I’ve ever not been in a relationship either. I’ll admit that my first night in the new place was entirely sleepless. I needn’t have expected anything more. That is typical of me. I don’t sleep well whenever anything major is happening or changing. No biggie.

I do not want sympathy or anything. I still love my husband; I have no ill will or even anger or anything towards him. Honestly, we’ve been getting along so much better the last couple of weeks than we have in years. Funny how things work out that way! We’re still close friends. We still hang out with our BFFs every Sunday night and except for living together, not much has changed. I have been surprised by my own emotions and find myself apologizing for stupid shit again, but I’m a work in progress, folks. Just goes with the territory.

So, yeah! Lots of crazy changes in my life lately. It’s a bit difficult for even me to wrap my head around. I mean, what with the new job (which is still great) and all…And yes, I did choose the absolute worst time ever for such a thing, but the heart wants what it wants when it wants it. The stress of it all was killing me. I hadn’t eaten or slept much in nearly two weeks before I finally told him and the very next day I felt so much better. I haven’t ruled out reconciling one day in the future, but he’s resigned to never marry again. I can’t say that I blame him. I know that part was just for me and I don’t even know why that was so important to me then. Fourteen years together, we started out as friends, we leaned on each other when our lives were difficult and here we are again.

We also had a catwalk/fatshion show where people were asked to get their strut on if they were feeling good in what they were wearing, even if it wasn’t from the swap (the song of choice of course being “Super Model” by RuPaul). At first we had sign up sheets, but only one person signed up. So I said fuck it and started just recruiting people! Ha-ha! This did seem to work as soon there was a line on either side of the stage area. I didn’t realize that Jery would be the first or that he would even be participating, other than being the emcee, but gurl! He knew how to kick it off:

Life changing stuff, folks! Inspiring and empowering and moving and just fan-fucking-tastic! I mean, that was also the first time I’d gone strapless in public! Wow! That was nearly two years ago! Now I own like four or five strapless dresses! Ha-ha! I later attended “Queer.Fat.Political” in San Francisco and discovered the Fat Lip Readers and witnessed so radical a group of women that I was humbled and inspired. Standing in that room (I was video taping) and just soaking in all that was around me? It was like a bolt of feminist-fat lightening went through me. I walked away changed, for the better, forever. Never before had I felt such a sense of responsibility to carry the torch, as it were, that these women lit so many years ago and truly set the bar high. Their activism was to me the truest sense of the word. They put their necks out to improve the lives of fat people everywhere. I was honored to be in their presence.

A few months later Big Moves Bay Area hosted “Fatdance: What A Feeling” again featuring the Phat Fly Girls, Rubenesque Burlesque and Raks Africa…and this time hosted by Marilyn Wann and Amy Benson. It was fantabulous! You just can’t be around these amazing women and not get inspired! At the very least you’ll walk away laughing and smiling. There is something so powerful about witnessing someone doing whatever it is that they are passionate about. I don’t have a word for it. It always makes me want to dance again. I do dance, but I just can’t very often. At least not until my knee is sorted out. I had the please that same weekend of attending Marilyn’s b-day party and WDAL fundraiser. Talk about awesome fatty party times?! So fun!!!

I took these experiences as sort of a template or outline for how I wanted Fatty Affair to be. I didn’t want to copy anyone or anything, but these events had such an impact on me and I knew that good feeling just needed to be spread around! That was the point of all of it for me, to have a good time and to connect people and create a stronger community. The first person I asked to speak was Marilyn, of course! If you’ve never had the joy of having a fat-related conversation with her, well, it’s great! It’s this fantastic free flowing exchange of ideas. It’s what all creative types need. It’s what all activists need. It was absolutely what I needed on both of those fronts! She had tons of ideas and plenty of experience in participating and attending such fat events all over the world. I was delighted when she agreed to speak and pleased that she was excited about it, too.

Not being a professional anything at all, I stumbled a bit when I first tried to get people to perform at Fatty Affair. I wasn’t clear in communication and while still running the cafe, sucked at follow up! Once further details and apologies were worked out, the rest of the lineup came together nicely. The last person I asked was my BFF Jery. I don’t know why…I always feel like he “has better shit to do” (gee, wonder why that is? Ha-ha!) or whatever, but I did and he accepted. It wasn’t until two nights before the event that we actually got together and nailed down a timeline for it. I know, we live in the same building and can’t seem to sync our schedules! Ha-ha! But it worked out just fine.

And here is where I use every ounce of restraint I have in me to not gush over Linda Bacon PhD not only accepting my invitation to participate/speak at Fatty Affair, but that she did so after receiving paid offers on the same day! She says it was for purely selfish reasons, that she needed to be around our positive community, to be re-energized. Can’t say that I blame her. It was yet another life changing experience for me and for many others. Everyone who helped, participated, performed or spoke was so fantastic! I seriously could not have imagined it going better than it actually did!

It was a success because of so many passionate individuals who worked together and helped pull this whole thing off! A special thank you and shout out to Raven Eagan and Amanda Evans! Raven was my boy scout and pressure valve while Amanda was the genius who took over the bake sale for me and really made it shine!

Amanda & Marilyn (Belly Bump!)

Raven & Jeanette: Babin’!

Tomorrow I’ll be talking about: The FATshion!!! <3

Sorry, but I’ve fallen back in love with music and it seems there is a perfect song to suit my every mood and whim and inspiration! And can I just say? Truer words have never been fucking sang, screamed, wailed or spoken! I have said it time and again…my friends are everything to me! They lift me up and take me to a higher plane, yo! They also rock at bringing back down to reality like nobody’s business! Ha-ha! Thank the stars for that and them! Whew!

There have been so many changes, surprises, letdowns and well, life stuffs these past few months that have thrown me for a loop again and again. No one has been there more for me emotionally and as honestly as my newest of BFFs and “sister from another mister” Jeanette! It seemed at times that she was reading my mind or something. She gives the best advice and is more awesome than the English language can handle! She is someone I know would never judge me, I don’t even have to think about it. She has helped me be my most authentic self and I have enjoyed countless quality conversations to boot! When I first told her about Fatty Affair she was excited and supportive. Little did I know that it would be her workplace/school that wold sponsor it! Not only that, she thought of things I would need before I did and helped me take care of business! Together we are the

The emcee of Fatty Affair was none other than Jery! When I introduced him to the crowd I called him the “Lisa Lisa to my Cult Jam…” but the truth is, Jery tests me! He challenges me! I fucking need that! I need someone to tell me I’m being a crazy bitch sometimes. He does that. He goes to the goth club with me in homemade red and black knickerbockers!!! He is one of those rare creatures with endless talent (but sadly not endless confidence) so endangered in this world. We may have very different taste in the fellas and occasionally music (and I don’t think I’ll ever be a Broadway Baby), but we sync up more than not. When I asked him to be the emcee I knew I needn’t worry. This is the man who officiated my wedding! This is the artist that made me fall in love with Jesus Christ Superstar (as Judas, no less). I never saw actors as anything but spotlight hogs until I saw how committed, hard working and passionate Jery is for his craft. To see him host this big scary event (scary as in pressure) and impress the shit out of everyone there? Well, it touched and moved me and I was endlessly impressed. I mean, he even color coordinated for me!

And then there are my biotches! Seriously?! These gals and I have known each other over twenty fucking years!!! I was just telling my husband about the first time I spent the night at Steph‘s (middle) or painted her room hot pink! And as I write this, Alena (left) posted on face book about our mid-nineties band, “Broke!” (We had no instruments.) The shit the three of us have been through and gotten into…well, its value is beyond words. We have been hippies together and grunge-gals and drop outs and old married ladies and dirty thirty-year-olds and have been through plenty of bad hair dos and everything in between. So much has changed for the three of us in such a short amount of time it could easily leave one breathless. Yet somehow we manage to stay connected and retain this amazing friendship. At one point I would have said that hell would have to freeze over before the three of us would even be in the same room together. But the universe just won’t let us stay apart. I know that when the shit hits the fan these two babes will never leave me hangin’! They’ve got my back and I’ve always got theirs. I mean…look at us? Charlie’s Angels eat your heart out!!! The fact that they came to support me for this event meant more to me than they know. I will never forget it!

The truth is I have many friends who helped me with this event. They all mean so much to me. They have all touched my life in various ways. I could not have done it without any of them. I am still quite in shock from it all, I must say. Having it be over and done with is such a downer, man. I just wasn’t expecting to feel a sense of loss about it. I was so high from it and I guess once I got a taste of that overwhelming positivity I just can’t help but want More More More! I can only hope to keep giving back all of the love and support I have received from the fat community over the years. The haters just evaporate when I think of this incredible journey I’ve been on and with the fat community. I am a far better person and a better friend because of it. Thank you for that! <3