Notes to Self

Advice for Men from the 1850s

2013-12-05T10:05:00.000+05:30

"History is a cyclic poem written by Time upon the memories of man." - Percy Bysshe Shelley

Between 1850 and 1860, an article called "Maxims to Guide a Young Man" became very popular and appeared in many newspapers. The guide stated -

Keep good company or none.
Never be idle. If your hands cannot be usefully employed, attend to the cultivation of your mind.
Always speak the truth.
Make few promises. Live up to all your engagements.
Have no very intimate friends.
Keep your own secrets, if you have any.
When you speak to a person, look him in the face.
Good company and conversation are the very sinews of virtue.
Good character is above all things else.
Never listen to loose or infidel conversation.
You had better be poisoned in your blood than in your principles.
Your character cannot be essentially injured except by your own acts.
If any one speak evil of you, let your life be so virtuous that none will believe him.
Always speak and act as in the presence of God.
Drink no kind of intoxicating liquors.
Ever live (misfortune excepted) within your income.
When you retire to bed, think over what you have been doing during the day.
Never speak lightly of religion.
Make no haste to be rich, if you would prosper.
Small and steady gains give competency with tranquillity of mind.
Never play at any game of chance.
Avoid temptation, through fear that you may not withstand it.
Earn your money before you spend it.
Never run into debt, unless you see a way to get out again.
Never borrow if you can possibly avoid it.
Do not marry till you are able to support a wife.
Never speak evil of any one.
Be just before you are generous.
Keep yourself innocent, if you would be happy.
Save when you are young, to spend when you are old.
Often think of death, and your accountability to God.
Read over the above maxims at least once a week.

Related Notes »

Creativity

2012-06-20T04:53:00.000+05:30

"The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates." - Oscar Wilde

All learning is imitation. Creativity too begins from imitation. Imitate. Improve. You'll start becoming more original. (The picture? It's a creative solution to handling CD's when you lose their covers. Start imitating ...)

Related Notes »

Brainstorming

Learning from TV

2009-06-13T15:29:00.008+05:30

"Television keeps the masses occupied. What if everyone decided they wanted to make something of their lives?" - Jim Urbanovich

The following are from the Star Wars: Clone Wars TV series:

Great leaders inspire greatness in others.
Belief is not a matter of choice but conviction.
Easy is the path to wisdom for those not blinded by themselves.
A plan is only as good as those who see it through.
The best confidence builder is experience.
Trust in your friends and they'll have reason to trust in you.
You hold onto friends by keeping your heart a little softer than your head.
Heroes are made by the times.
Ignore your instincts at your peril.
Most powerful is he who controls his own power.
The winding path to peace is always a worthy one, regardless of how many turns it takes.
Fail with honor rather than succeed by fraud.
Greed and fear of loss are the roots that lead to the tree of evil.
When surrounded by war, one must eventually choose a side.
Arrogance diminishes wisdom.
Truth enlightens the mind, but won't always bring happiness to your hearts.
Fear is a disease; hope is its only cure.
A single chance is a galaxy of hope.
It is a rough road that leads to the height of greatness.
The costs of war can never be truly accounted for.
Compromise is a virtue to be cultivated, not a weakness to be despised.
A secret shared is a trust formed.

Related Notes »

Laugh

2009-03-20T09:10:00.004+05:30

"Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life." - Unknown

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
The human heart creates enough pressure, when it pumps, to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my God!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy ... I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home ... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
A flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes ... lucky pig ... can you imagine??)
A catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmm ...)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Life As Others See It

2009-03-08T00:40:00.008+05:30

I have learnt -

Love:

That when you're in love, it shows.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Kindness:

That being kind is more important than being right.
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

Understanding:

That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

Revenge:

That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

Spirituality:

That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

Elders:

That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.

Kids:

That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

Relax:

That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Success:

That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
That money doesn't buy class.
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

(Attributed to: Andy Rooney)

Related Notes »

Books »

The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living

Leadership

2009-03-01T21:57:00.005+05:30

”A leader takes people where they want to go. A great leader takes people where they don’t necessarily want to go, but ought to be.” ~ Rosalynn Carter

The seven elements of leadership:

Leaders challenge the status quo.
Leaders create a culture around their goal and involve others in that culture.
Leaders have an extraordinary amount of curiosity about the world they're trying to change.
Leaders use charisma (in a variety of forms) to attract and motivate followers.
Leaders communicate their vision of the future.
Leaders commit to a vision and make decisions based on that commitment.
Leaders connect their followers to one another.

(I'll write more on this when I get time).

Related Notes »

Useful Books »

Mental Concentration

2009-01-10T02:26:00.012+05:30

"Thinking is the hardest thing to do in this world." - Gandhi

Newton didn't discover gravity by lazing under apple trees in a garden nor thinking about the, perhaps, delicious red apples. He was successful because he concentrated all his energy for some time on just one subject. That's the power of concentration - effective thinking - is all about.

Here's what Vivekananda, one of India's great spiritual gurus said more than a 100 years ago on the subject:

"To me, the very essence of education is concentration of mind, not the collecting of facts. If I had to do my education over again, and had any voice in the matter, I would not study facts at all. I would develop the power of concentration and detachment, and then with a perfect instrument I could collect facts at will."

"All the great prophets, saints, and seers of the world - what did they do? ... In one life, they perfect themselves; they have no thought for anything else, never live a moment for any other idea, and thus the way is shortened for them. This is what is meant by concentration, intensifying the power of assimilation, thus shortening the time."

"The more this power of concentration, the more knowledge is acquired, because this is the one and only method of acquiring knowledge. Even the lowest shoeblack, if he gives more concentration, will black shoes better; the cook with concentration will cook a meal all the better. In making money or in worshipping God, or in doing anything, the stronger the power of concentration, the better will that thing be done. This is the one call, the one knock, which opens the gates of nature, and lets out floods of light."

"How has all the knowledge in the world been gained but by the concentration of the powers of the mind? The world is ready to give up its secrets, if we only know how to knock, how to give it the necessary blow. The strength and force of the blow come through concentration. There is no limit to the power of the human mind. The more concentrated it is, the more power is brought to bear on one point; that is the secret."

"Free! We who cannot, for a moment, govern our own minds, nay, cannot hold our minds on a subject, focus it on a point to the exclusion of everything else, for a moment! Yet we call ourselves free. Think of it! ... The mind uncontrolled and unguided will drag us down, down, for ever - rend us, kill us; and the mind controlled and guided will save us, free us."

Improving Concentration

How can we train our mind and improve our concentration? The most effective method is meditation (there is a lot of research on meditation for the scientifically inclined).

Meditation strengthens the mind and makes it less susceptible to distraction thus improving your concentration. But before we can start meditating, it is necessary to strengthen our body. If our body is weak, our brain will keep distracting us because its priority is a fit body - it depends on a healthy body for its own survival and functioning.

Concentration is learning to train our mind to disregard any distractions. Thus the first step towards strengthening our mind is to first strengthen our body - by exercising. Once our body is fit the mind will have less to worry about its own health, and thus can be better utilised and directed by our own will. That is why, even just exercising daily will improve your concentration.

But to really strengthen it, to learn to constructively use our emotions by ensuring that they aren't uncontrollable, physical exercises aren't enough and one also needs to meditate.

Thus, the secret of a strong mind - exercise and meditate.

Cat Care, Depression

2008-12-23T20:46:00.011+05:30

Oh poor Alley! Leslie, you aren't supposed to bathe a cat. (I know you know this but let's look into it more). When you bathe a cat, they lose an important part of their personal identity, their body odour - cats identify each other through their body odour (I know, sounds gross - imagine if we humans had to sniff each other for recognition!).

It's quite disconcerting to a cat (apart from the confusing feelings of insecurity wondering why their pets - you - are torturing him / her), and more so if there are other cats in the house too (they won't recognize him / her and be wary).

It's even worse if you use scented soaps or shampoos because then it would take more than a month or more for the cat to regain its natural body odour.

Hiding somewhere, and being jittery are all signs of insecurity. And when cats are insecure / depressed, grooming themselves is a low priority. Apart from the bathing incident (shocking! :) you seem to be doing a great job for Alley to have adjusted herself to her environment. Here are some tips (you may or may not be aware of):

A change of environment is extremely stressful to a cat, so if you move from place to place expect your cat to be jittery and nervous often. Cats also feel quite vulnerable when they are in the loo (so to speak :), when they are eating and when sleeping because these are the moments when they let their guard down and thus feel that anybody can sneak up on them and attack them. Be a cat-body guard when they are doing these and you can make any cat feel quite secure and happy with you. In fact, if you just allow cats to sleep with you in your bed, give them attention and play with them, and be around them when you feed them, they'll love you forever.

Coming back to bathing a cat, one easy and safe (for both you and your cat) way of doing this, is to catch hold of the cat immediately after it has had its food, wet your palm and then pet it. Your palm shouldn't be dripping with water, but just be damp enough to wet the cat. The cat will start squirming but hold firm and pet and wet their whole body. The idea is to just wet their fur and not their body (that's when they start howling). Once done, leave them alone. They'll give you a glare and maybe some irritated meows and then start grooming themselves. It's best to do this after they've had their meal because they'll be in a better mood and more importantly, cats groom themselves after every meal. In effect, you are just pushing the cat to groom themselves more thoroughly.

-------------------------------------

In case you are wondering, "where's the staple psychology-self-help-sometimes-insightful-thought that I expect from this blog", it's in Leslie's cat's experience -

If you read Leslie's blog post about Alley, she describes how Alley bounced back and seemed to be in a better mood after the bath. Here's why - depression and anxiety sap our will power to do even ordinary day to day things. And that's why depressed individuals appear slack on personal hygiene - sometimes they just can't bring themselves to shower and groom themselves.

Often, depressed (or even otherwise not depressed) individuals generally wait for motivation to come to start doing something. It may not seem very obvious, but the truth is action is the fuel for motivation and so to feel motivated you need start your act and do things - even if it is something as simple as having a shower.

In Alley's case, Leslie bathing him cheered him because he started grooming himself immediately after the bath (cats do that - they don't feel clean unless they've licked themselves), which he had neglected for sometime. Leslie's action, however horrible Alley felt through it also was reassuring because he must have recognized it was out of concern for him.

And that's the two important secret to fighting mild to moderate depression - have a good meal and start doing things, and start socializing. It may not cure the depression completely, but you'll certainly be in a better position to deal with it. (For serious depression, you definitely NEED to meet a psychologist / psychiatrist).

Manipulative Behavior

2008-12-20T17:00:00.007+05:30

"Don't make decisions when you are angry, and don't make promises when you are happy."

Girlwiththecurl feels uncomfortable about the "manipulative" tip in the post Dating Advice that has a tip on how to get a woman's phone number within minutes of meeting her.

Posting that note 2 years back was a difficult decision because like Girlwiththecurl, the tip did appear kind of manipulative. Here's the reason why it was ultimately posted -

"Don't make decisions when you are angry, don't make promises when you are happy" is so true! The decisions we make when we are angry is often not the right one, and we do tend to make more promises if we are in a good mood.

Isn't that why all of us are extra nice to someone, especially when we need something from them? Now is that manipulation - being nice to someone when we need / want something?

Yes and no - as you grow and become more mature, you learn this - when you are nice to people you are more likely to get what you want and, that people are extra nice to you (or suck up to you) especially when they want something from you.

When someone does this to you, you could become angry about this thinking, "That **** is trying to manipulate me". Or you can realize that even you - and everybody else in the world - does this and consider the request being made on its merits and the person concerned. Think about it - when you wanted something from someone and were nice to them, and got that something - did that action make you a bad person? When your mom or dad or siblings or friends or a stranger submit to your niceness are they being naive, a fool or ignorant?

Chances are, you feel bad or uncomfortable about it only when you know the other person really well, and / or know that he / she is too naive to realize that he / she was being manipulated.

The point is, these "manipulations" are a part of human communication; the more mature we become, the more aware we become of such "manipulations". But we need to see it not just based on the action, but the character of the person indulging in such actions. Otherwise, one would go crazy judging every action of everyone and trying to figure out if they were being manipulated!

For example, I know someone who is a master of "manipulating" people to get what she wants. I sometimes dislike some of her "manipulations" but I don't dislike her because of another rule she follows - "If they do something for me, I should return the favor". And she does - even if she gets something by manipulating someone, she always returns the favor by doing something equally nice for them. Now If you were to judge this person just through her manipulative actions, you would judge her to be a deceitful, manipulative person - but if you also judge her through her values that define her character, you are not likely to look at her so negatively.

People with better social skills are those who understand human behavior; that's why we like being around them more - they know how to make us happier, how to make us laugh, how to cheer us up, how to make us feel attractive etc. In other words, they know how to manipulate our emotions. Does it make them a bad person to do so? Only if they have selfish values and misuse their social skills.

This explanation may not be quite satisfactory, but that's because this topic is quite a big subject (and so philosophically debatable - what is right and wrong?). In fact, this concept of dealing with manipulative behaviour from others and recognizing when you can and need to be manipulative is a part of advanced assertiveness training (read this note on assertiveness to learn more).

Related Note » Assertiveness

Book » The Manipulative Man: Identify His Behavior, Counter the Abuse, Regain Control

Shyness

2008-12-11T13:51:00.003+05:30

"Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people." - Andre Dubus

Shyness: Feelings of self-consciousness that people have when they fear being criticized, judged, or rejected.
Introverts: Those who draw energy from reflection and the world of inner ideas.
Extroverts: People who tend to draw energy from interaction with other people and the outer world.

Related » Assertiveness
» Self-Esteem

Gift Ideas for Her

2008-12-10T05:11:00.007+05:30

Can't think of good gift for your girlfriend or wife? Gift her your time and attention; give her a note that says -

" I wanted to buy you something great, but couldn't think of anything. And I felt bad that even after spending so much time with you I don't know you well enough to buy a gift that would bowl you over! I'd love to know you better - I have 50 bucks. Let's go shopping so that you can get a gift you really want and I can get to know you better. ~~ Love, xxx "

The receiver will often love it since shopping together means you get to spend time together, they can get a gift they want and you will learn more about them. Make sure you plan a good time - include a movie if you have a whole day or plan to have coffee after shopping etc.

Of course, you should only use this once but a woman might insist on using this a few times more before she gets tired of it - so do pay attention and get to know her taste :).

Related » Flirting with Romance

My girlfriends parents hate me!

2008-12-09T02:53:00.010+05:30

"Well I was at my girlfriend's parents' house, we were in her room and she was just in her underwear and I had my top off. We weren't actually doing anything but her mum and dad jumped to conclusions I had to leave straight away. And they said "We used the think you were decent" but I am decent because I do well at school, I have never done drugs and I am a very active person. How can I sort this out because her mum and dad are refusing to talk to me and my parents. My mum and dad had nothing to do with it. Anyone got any ideas?" - a query on Yahoo! Answers

The picture is clear (sorry, just couldn't resist!) - a dicey situation indeed.

It's good that you recognize that you need to talk to them. But the fact they are ignoring you (and your parents) suggests that perhaps they are more in shock and denial, and more angry towards themselves then you or their daughter.

So give them time to get over the shock first (some time off with no contacts with them and their daughter will help).

Secondly, both of you have to acknowledge your irresponsibility - while you may not have had sex, it doesn't explain why you were in her presence without your top on while she was in her underwear.

The point is, while you may not have had sex yet, the fact that you are comfortable around each other when one or both of you are nude is certainly a cause of concern for any parent. It suggests that you might be close to giving in to temptation - think about it, both of you might have begin by awkwardly touching each other, then got comfortable with that, then moved on to hugs and kisses before you got comfortable with that too. Who knows how or when you may succumb and go the whole way - especially if you hang around nude or naked around each other! So while you may claim that nothing is going on, realize how serious it is and how it looks to her parents.

Thirdly, the fact that you feel upset and guilty over the fact that her parents don't think that you are a decent person, reveals your decency. It shows that you respect her parents opinion and care for it - and that's decency. (Kudos to your parents - they should rightly feel proud for raising you right).

However, you aren't completely in the right (and you know that a little, hence the guilt).

Yes, respecting elders by caring for their opinion, doing well in school, not taking drugs and leading an active life are all indications of a loving, fun, decent teenager. But as you get older, the bounds of decency change too.

Being irresponsible is indecent. Not respecting women is indecent.

You might be a bit surprised at the second point - that perhaps you were disrespectful towards your girl friend.

The thing is, by not thinking of the consequences of a sexual relationship, you were being disrespectful towards your girl friend simply because she has more to lose. Sex is not the same for men and women.

A woman's body actually undergoes physical changes when she becomes sexually active. So unlike guys, who just feel emotionally changed after having sex, woman change both emotionally and physically. Second - her reputation will change when others become aware of her 'indiscretion' with you. (Think about it this way - How do you & your friends perceive a girl who is a virgin and very socially friendly and has a boy friend to a girl who is similar but sexually active with one or multiple partners? Most likely, you will respect the first, and may or not have that same respect for the second). Third, you risk pregnancy (and you do know how much more of a stress, emotionally and physically, it is for the woman then the man).

Anyway, not preaching abstinence (well, maybe a little). Just pointing out that the more self control you have over your urges and feelings, the more mindful you will be of the consequences of your action. And the more mindful you are, the more responsibly you will behave. And becoming more responsible as you get older is very important to develop a decent character.

Coming back to what you should do -
Send them a small note saying you are sorry. Then wait for a week or two (or maybe even a month) with no contact with them (and their daughter; of course after discussing it with her), and then slowly try to talk to her parents. I would suggest by approaching her mother first (women are generally more smarter then men when it comes to relationship).

You could then send her a letter explaining how sorry you are over the incident and ashamed that you lost their respect. Go on to explain that while you do understand where you were in the wrong and how you might have hurt their feelings, explain how some things are still not clear and you would truly appreciate it if she clarify her concerns and advice you out of this mess.

After that, It would also help if you and your girlfriend both pursue this matter with them.

(P.S: Not being a westerner and from a very different culture, perhaps the approach / advice here might be socially inappropriate for your culture and society. So before following the advice here, show this note to your parents and ask them for further inputs.)

Related » Understanding Love
» Unhealthy Relationships

Understanding Love

2008-12-08T04:55:00.007+05:30

It isn't easy, but perhaps this story might help us understand love (or atleast one aspect of it):

I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me. Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said this: "You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."

This was how I saw it: As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds.

This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love ... they try to possess it, they demand, they expect ... and just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retreat from you.

For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings.

Give and don’t expect. Advise, but don’t order. Ask, but never demand.

It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring.

"All love is expansion, all selfishness is contraction. Love is therefore the only law of life. He who loves lives, he who is selfish is dying. Therefore love for love's sake, because it is law of life, just as you breathe to live." - Vivekananda

(The original author of this story is unknown, but it is often attributed to Vivekananda by many.)

Related » Unhealthy Relationships

Vivekananda

2008-12-07T04:41:00.011+05:30

Vivekananda (or Swami Vivekananda, as he is popularly known in India) was a religious reformer and spiritual guru known for his sharp intellect, commanding personality and compassion for the poor. His intense desire to understand God lead him to question every religion and religious leaders he came across.

While one may debate forever whether the truth Vivekananda preached is the "truth", his research certainly gives us insights to better understand ourselves, our world and, of course, God and religion. Following are some of his thoughts:

- The remedy for weakness is not brooding over weakness, but thinking of strength. Teach men of the strength that is already within them.

- Let people say whatever they like, stick to your own convictions, and rest assured, the world will be at your feet. They say, 'Have faith in this fellow or that fellow', but I say, 'Have faith in yourself first', that's the way. Have faith in yourself - all power is in you - be conscious and bring it out.

- The difference between God and the devil is in nothing except unselfishness and selfishness. The devil knows as much as God, is as powerful as God; only he has no holiness - that makes him a devil. Apply the same idea to the modern world: excess of knowledge and power, without holiness, makes human beings devils.

- It is our own mental attitude which makes the world what it is for us. Our thoughts make things beautiful, our thoughts make things ugly. The whole world is in our own minds. Learn to see things in the proper light.

- This world is the great gymnasium where we come to make ourselves stronger.

- You have to grow from inside out. None can teach you, none can make you spiritual. There is no other teacher but your own soul.

- Men in general lay the blame of life on their fellowmen, or, failing that, on God, or they conjure up a ghost, and say it is fate. Where is fate, and who is fate? We reap what we sow. We are the makers of our own fate. None else has the blame, none has the praise. The wind is blowing; those vessels whose sails are unfurled catch it, and go forward on their way, but those which have their sails furled do not catch the wind. Is that the fault of the wind?

- For the world can be good and pure, only if our lives are good and pure. It is an effect, and we are the means. Therefore, let us purify ourselves.

- Education is not the amount of information that is put into your brain and runs riot there, undigested all your life. We must have life-building, man-making, character-making, assimilation of ideas. If you have assimilated five ideas and made them your life and character, you have more education than any man who has got by heart a whole library.

- Truth does not pay homage to any society, ancient and modern. Society has to pay homage to Truth or die. Societies should be moulded on truth, and truth has not to adjust itself to society ... That society is the greatest, where the highest truths become practical. That is my opinion; and if society is not fit for the highest truths, make it so; and the sooner, the better.

- Virtue is that which tends to our improvement, and vice to our degeneration. Man is made up of three qualities - brutal, human, and Godly. That which tends to increase the divinity in you is virtue, and that which tends to increase brutality in you is vice. You must kill the brutal nature and become human, that is, loving and charitable. You must transcend that too and become pure bliss ... fire without burning, wonderfully loving, but without the weakness of human love, without the feeling of misery.

- The secret of religion lies not in theories but in practice. To be good and do good - that is the whole of religion. 'Not he that crieth "Lord", "Lord", but he that doeth the will of the Father.'

- Each soul is potentially divine. The goal is to manifest this divinity within by controlling nature, external and internal. Do this either by work, or worship or psychic control or philosophy - by one or more or all of these and be free.

- The only definition that can be given of morality is this: That which is selfish is immoral, and that which is unselfish is moral.

- Let us all be honest. If we cannot follow the ideal, let us confess our weakness, but not degrade it; let not any try to pull it down.

- Understand my words in their true spirit and apply yourself to work in their light ... I have given you advice enough; now put atleast something in practice.

(Read the life history of Vivekananda. The compiled teachings of Swami Vivekananda is also available online for free. It is also available as a book: Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda.)

Related » Desmond Tutu

An Idea

2008-10-22T22:36:00.007+05:30

"An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea." - Buddha

It's so funny when I hear people being so protective of ideas. (People who want me to sign a non-disclosure agreement to tell me the simplest idea.)

To me, ideas are worth nothing unless executed. They are just a multiplier. Execution is worth millions.

Explanation:

Awful idea = -1
Weak idea = 1
So-so idea = 5
Good idea = 10
Great idea = 15
Brilliant idea = 20

No execution = $1
Weak execution = $1000
So-so execution = $10,000
Good execution = $100,000
Great execution = $1,000,000
Brilliant execution = $10,000,000

To make a business, you need to multiply the two.

The most brilliant idea, with no execution, is worth $20. The most brilliant idea takes great execution to be worth $20,000,000.

That's why I don't want to hear people's ideas. I'm not interested until I see their execution.

— Derek Sivers, president and programmer, CD Baby and HostBaby

Parenting Tips

2008-06-20T21:58:00.009+05:30

"Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. - Robert Fulghum

This is what our kids expect from us:

Don't spoil me
I know quite well that I ought not to have all that I ask for. I'm only testing you.
Be Firm with Me
I prefer it; it makes me feel more secure. (Note - anger is not firmness).
Don't let me form bad habits
I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages.
Don't correct me in front of people if you can help it
I'll take much more notice if you talk privately with me.
Let me make mistakes
I need to learn the painful ways, sometimes.
Don't nag.
If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.
Remember that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like.
That is why I'm not always very accurate.
Be consistent in what you say and do.
Inconsistency completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.
Don't put me off when I ask questions
If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere.
Please love me.
I need lots of understanding and love to thrive.

Useful Books »

Flirting with Romance

2008-04-18T21:57:00.008+05:30

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." - Oscar Wilde

Ambiguity is the first rule of flirtation. Surprise is another basic element of romance. Mystery is enticing, secrecy is suspect.
Few women can resist a sharply dressed man.
Mystery is good. But if you're not going to tell her where you're taking her, be sure to tell her what to wear.
Lunch is the safest first date. Never ask a first date if he or she believes in love at first sight. After the things that first attract you, notice the hands.
An old but worthy axiom: Don't do it on the first date. If you don't sleep together on the first date, it won't matter so much if he doesn't call. If you don't try to sleep with her on the first date, she'll be intrigued enough to go out with you again.
Persistence pays. But, if you are turned down three times in a row, stop asking. Obsession is not romance.
Always have a plan for a date. Don't ask, "So, what do you want to do?"
If he opens the car door for you, unlock his side before he comes around.
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. Learn basic punctuation.
Call when you say you will. Follow through. Head games only create heart aches.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep the standard for the rest of your life.
There are enough healthy people in the world that there is no excuse to fall in love with the emotionally challenged. Try not to be the first romance after someone's painful break-up. Let some other sucker go through the recovery period.
Romance treads a thin line between love and lust. The line between love and lust is as fine as that dividing love and hate.
In the beginning, believe everything.
A small gift or bottle of champagne stashed along the path of a moonlight walk is priceless. But romance will dissolve very quickly in large amounts of alcohol.
Memorize her favorite color, flower and scent. Memorize his favorite sport, color and food. Write down her dress, shoe and ring sizes. Write down his shirt, pant and shoe sizes.
When a man offers to make dinner, he's either a better cook than you or he's getting serious.
Doing a man's laundry is romantic, until he expects you to do it.
No one can read your mind.
Bring her flowers when you haven't done anything wrong, or she'll think you've done something wrong whenever you bring flowers. When he stops bringing flowers, buy some for him.
If a man's friend finds you attractive, you will only be more attractive to him. If a women's friend finds you attractive, pretend you don't notice. She'll love you for it.
Save water - shower together. Condoms mean never having to say you're sorry.
Recognize what you can't change about someone - almost everything. (The only time a woman can change a man is when he's a baby.)
The first gift to a woman should be large enough for you to catch if she throws it at you. While an electric drill may be the perfect gift for a man, few women are thrilled with a vacuum cleaner for a birthday present. A gift of cologne to a man is tricky: if it's not what he wears he'll wonder who you knew who wore it.
Never forget that men are just boys who are older. Allow him to show off.

Related Notes »

Useful Books »

How to Quit

2008-03-22T04:37:00.013+05:30

Not finding anyone to play with, a kid took out his baseball bat and decided to practice alone. He said out aloud, "I am the greatest baseball player in the world" and threw the ball up. He swung his bat and missed. He picked up the ball and repeated, "I am the greatest baseball player in the world". He threw the ball, swung his bat and missed.

Dauntless, he concentrated hard for a moment on the bat and ball in his hand. Again he said, "I am the greatest baseball player in the world" and with a determined focus, threw the ball up and swung the bat hard. But again he missed.

He paused for moment.

And then picking up the ball, told himself, "Wow, I am the world's greatest pitcher!".

The moral of the story -

"What really sets superstars apart from everyone else is the ability to escape dead ends quickly, while staying focused and motivated when it really counts." - Seth Godin

Marissa Ann Mayer, the vice-president for search products and user experience at Google, offers a similar counter intuitive advice - fail faster. In her words (from Turning Limitations into Innovation):

"Have you ever wondered how a product so lame got to market, a movie so bad actually got released, a government policy so misguided got passed?

In cases like these, the people working on it have spent so much time and are so personally invested that it's too painful to walk away. They often know the project is misguided, yet they see the effort through to the painful, unsuccessful end. That's why it's important to discover failure fast and abandon it quickly. A limited investment makes it easier to walk away and move on to something else that has a better chance of success."

Related Notes »

Books »

The Dip: A Little Book That Teaches You When to Quit (and When to Stick) (80 pages)

Life As I Know It (2007)

2008-03-03T12:41:00.016+05:30

"Fools say they learn from experience. I prefer to profit by others' experience." - Bismarck

Knowledge doesn't make you intelligent.
Understanding does. Understanding = Knowledge + Experience. Virgins can read the Kamasutra, but one can only appreciate it when it is practiced. The current leaders of US and UK "know" democracy. But by trying to force it down the throats of others, they show their lack of understanding of it (because they've forgotten that nobody "gave" them democracy).
Faith is more important than religion.
Even the atheists believe in something. It is faith (in whatever we believe) that keeps us going. We lose our self if we lose faith.
People will always judge you by your actions and not your thoughts and beliefs.
Judge people not just through their actions but their motivations for it too.
Anxiety can result from avoiding something.
When you feel resentment and frustration and avoid dealing with the situations causing them, they often get converted into anxiety about something else. If you are really worrying about something, and have no idea why ask yourself, "What am I really upset about?" and deal with that instead of focusing on your feelings of panic.
Women. I still don't understand them.
This I know - Women dress stylishly to impress other women, not men. Go figure!
Sometimes life sucks. Just suck it up.
It'll pass. It helps to remember the last time you felt bad. You'll realize you've been through worse and have come out of it too.
Empathize more, advice less.
Sometimes we just want to be understood. If you start shooting "logical" advice when the other person wants you to listen, he / she will feel criticized. Even if the other person wants advice, empathic listening will make them more receptive to your ideas. When in doubt, ask.
Think big, start small. Persevere.
Don't argue. Win them through action.
An argument often offends people - words are interpreted according to a person's mood and beliefs. Actions and demonstrations are much more powerful and meaningful.
Don't see things with your eyes only.
If you aren't flexible, life will break you. Practice looking at yourself, others and situations from a different perspective. Be willing to broaden your beliefs - understand Islam, read Desmond Tutu, read Gandhi.

Related Notes »

Books »

Active Listening

2007-10-03T11:16:00.002+05:30

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." - Robert McCloskey

Most people believe they are good listeners.

Listening for the sake of a conversation is easy. But listening with the intent to empathize - understand how the other person thinks and feels - is quite difficult. In a personal relationship, active listening - the skill of listening with a purpose - is especially important to enrich relations and resolve (and prevent) conflicts. Some of the things that interfere with our listening are:

Selective Listening:
This happens when the listener doesn't pay attention (consciously or unconsciously) to what the other person is saying, either because they (i) don't like or respect the person or (ii) they don't agree with the other person. In such cases, often due to personal prejudices or a strong conviction, the listener tends to automatically disregard and 'tune out' what they disagree.
Solution: If you don't like the speaker, disregard your feelings for him / her and focus all your attention to the topic being discussed - the idea isn't to get the speaker to like you but just to try to understand him / her. If you find yourself drifting or tuning out to what the other person is saying, focus on the things you disagree with and be more inquisitive - try to find out how the speaker thinks and came to believe or conclude what he / she said without starting an argument or becoming emotional. Equally important, convey to them how you formed your opinion on the subject being discussed. Again, the idea is to just try and understand each other rather than trying to prove who is right or knows more.
Jumping to Conclusion:
Some people don't listen carefully because (i) they assume they know what the speaker is going to say next or (ii) they believe the speaker has some hidden motives. In both cases the speaker spends more time trying to figure out a reply or in 'uncovering' the hidden motives than actually listening.
Solution: Remember, even superman wasn't a mind reader. So don't try to be one. Yes, you could make educated guesses based on non-verbal cues or your personal knowledge of the speaker. But you have an equally good chance of being wrong (this is one of the main reasons why couples have disagreements). So don't try to mind read; and if you have formed any assumptions, clarify and find out if it is right before acting on them.
Passive Listening:
Passive listeners don't participate in the conversation when they disagree with the speakers and pretend to agree or compromise to avoid any confrontation.
Solution: Passive listeners are often perceived as weak and / or boring because they don't communicate their thoughts. Realize that disagreements become ugly confrontations only when you take things too emotionally. Learn to be more assertive and expressive about your thoughts and feelings.
Relative Listening:
There is a joke that there are two kinds of people in this world - one who will listen to you when you tell him not to pee on a fence (because it is electrified) and the other, who will disregard your advice and insist on peeing on the fence to find out if you were right. Relative listeners fall into the latter category - they constantly look into their past experiences and personal knowledge pool for references to what the speaker is saying before accepting anything. They thus appear self centered and arrogant and usually indulge in selective and passive listening.
Solution: While a strong internal frame of reference (belief system) is good, it doesn't mean we have to automatically disregard anything that doesn't fit into it. Sometimes, the best way to show someone that you trust them is by accepting their advice and not being afraid to follow it.
Rehearsing:
Some shy and anxious individuals worry about freezing up in a conversation, so they spend a lot of time in thinking about what to say next. Hence, they aren't able to pay attention and often miss out on what the speaker is actually saying.
Solution: Relax.

Related » Assertiveness

8 Insightful, Funny Management Tips

2007-08-30T11:22:00.000+05:30

"Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them." - Paul Hawken

(The original author of these 'management tips' stories is unknown. )

A woman is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. When her husband doesn't answer the door, she quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. She opens the door, to find Bob, her next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $750 to drop that towel." She thinks to herself, "Men can be so dumb sometimes ...", smiles and drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $750 and leaves. The woman goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was our neighbour Bob," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $750 he owes me?"

Management Tip 1: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

.......... ..........

A priest and a Nun get into a cab. When the Nun sits down and crosses her legs, she reveals a leg through a slit in the gown. The priest gets excited and can't control himself. He stealthily slides his hand up her leg. The nun says, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest feels embarrassed and immediately removes his hand and tries to recollect Psalm 129.

After sometime, he again can't help himself and lets his hand slide up her leg. The nun once again says, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologises, "Sorry sister, the flesh is weak and gives in to temptations."

He drops her off at the convent. On his arrival at the church, the priest immediately rushes to look up Psalm 129. It said - "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Management Tip 2: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

.......... ..........

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking towards the cafeteria for lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you ONE wish."

"Me first! Me first!", says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! The Genie sends her to the Bahamas.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! The Genie grants him his wish.

"OK, you're up," the Genie looks to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Management Tip 3: Always let your boss have the first say.

.......... ..........

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered, "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Tip 4: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

.......... ..........

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? They're packed with nutrients", replied the bull

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was then spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Tip 5: BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

.......... ..........

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Tip 6, 7 and 8: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Assertiveness

2007-05-10T03:15:00.001+05:30

"Don't just focus on what you want to say. Most misunderstandings arise because of how you say it."

Regardless of the level of our communication skill, interacting with people can often be quite stressful. Learning to be assertive can help us reduce and cope with this stress. Assertiveness is a communication style where we express our personal rights and feelings more openly.

Everyone is assertive to some level, but the level of assertiveness could vary according to the social situation. For example, a man could be very assertive with his colleagues at work, but not with his wife and kids. Assertiveness training (AT) defines some basic concepts and skills to enhance our assertive behavior under varied social interactions.

Communication Style

Assertiveness training defines three different communication styles used by us when we interact with someone:

Aggressive: Examples of aggressive behavior are fighting, accusing, threatening, and a general disregard for the other persons feeling. Aggression is about dominance. A person is aggressive when they impose their will onto another person and tries to force them to submit.
Passive: People behave passively when they let others push them around, when they do not stand up for themselves, and when they do what they are told regardless of how they feel about it. Passivity is about submission. Nobody likes being dominated, but it might seem like the smart thing to do at the time (perhaps to avoid disagreement or confrontation).
Assertive: Assertiveness is about finding the middle path. We behave assertively when we stand up for ourselves (when required), express our true feelings, and do not let others take advantage of us while, at the same time, being considerate of others' feelings.

Obviously being aggressive or passive has its advantages. If you are always aggressive, people won't try to push you around and you may get things done by cowing others down. People who are passive and give in to the demands of others may stave of disagreements or confrontation and be generally liked by everyone. However, if you are conceived as pushy and aggressive, people would prefer to avoid you. Passive people might end up being taken for a ride, as people take advantage of them, and feel anger and resentment.

Personal Boundaries / Rights

Assertive behavior is about a balanced approach. It is not about simply choosing between an aggressive or passive style of communication. It's about respecting the rights (personal boundaries) and feelings of others and expecting others to respect your rights and feelings too. If someone doesn't respect your rights and feelings, you communicate it to them. It isn't about scoring points or getting even by lashing out at them (aggressive) or feeling hurt and not talking about it so as to not embarrass the other person (passive). Assertiveness is about respect - for self and others.

Assertiveness training emphasizes that to be assertive, one must be clear about their (and others) rights while communicating. The five basic rights of every individual:

You have the right to do anything as long as it does not hurt someone.
You have the right to maintain your dignity by being assertive - even if it hurts someone else (provided you are not intentionally trying to hurt them i.e. being aggressive).
You have the right to make a request from someone, as long as you recognize that the other person has the rights to say no.
In many interpersonal situations the rights aren't clear. But you always have the right to discuss the problem with the persons involved, to clarify it.
You have the rights to your rights.

Assertive Behavior

The behavioral characteristics of assertion include:

Openness implies being clear and specific about what you want, think and feel. A lack of openness often leads to misunderstanding. "I didn't like that movie", "I feel irritated when you show up late", "I want to eat Chinese. Can we get Chinese?" are statements that are clear and unlikely to be misinterpreted.
Directness means addressing the person / situation directly. For example, if you are in a group and want to say something to someone, communicate directly with that person instead of addressing the whole group and hoping that the person gets the message. Or, if you want your husband to get you vegetables from the supermarket, address it directly, "Will you please get a packet of frozen peas from the supermarket?" instead of asking, "Will you, by any chance, be going out today?".
Honesty in communication implies that you be truthful and not mislead the other person. Example: your friend says, "I don't like your hairstyle" and you reply, "Yes, I don't too" when in fact you actually do. When we aren't honest, we deprive the other person a chance to get to understand and know us better.
Appropriateness implies taking the social and cultural context into consideration before communicating. Asking out a girl in a bar might be appropriate, but trying to get a date with a widow on her husbands funeral can certainly get you into trouble. In other words, don't forget your manners!

If our communication isn't open and direct, the other party has to do a lot of guessing work to determine what we are actually trying to say or want. They may also feel manipulated (especially if you are being dishonest too). Behaving inappropriately will lose you respect and invite ire against you.

As we grow older and deal with more complex social interactions between friends, family and co-workers, we also learn to be flexible. Here, flexibility implies learning to control emotions so that we can choose our communication style as per the situation, and not let our emotions dictate our approach.

For example, if your life partner or boss is yelling at you, it would be more prudent (and assertive) of you to NOT give in to anger and be aggressive too. However with a stranger you might prefer (choose) to be angry and aggressive when threatened, to have an advantage. Or you might purposefully choose to be passive when you are being robbed at gun point, so as to not endanger your life (even if you know Karate and fell like thrashing the mugger!).

Becoming Assertive

After understanding the basic concepts, the next step in assertiveness training is practicing it out. Assertiveness training deals with behaviors of various complexity. In the first phase, we need to practice our non-verbal cues. This means, while communicating

Stand straight
Make eye contact
Speak loud enough

If we don't, we quickly lose contact with the other person, our voice might sound monotonous and our communication rambling and indirect, and the other person will have trouble following us and get bored or annoyed.

In the second phase, we need to practice

saying yes or no, when we want to
ask favors and make requests
communicate our feelings and thoughts in an open and direct way
and handle put downs

In the third phase, we need to learn

adaptive behaviors in job situations
the ability to form and maintain a social network
develop close, personal relationships

Related Notes »

Useful Books »

Setting Goals

2007-01-17T20:57:00.000+05:30

A goal properly set is halfway reached. - Abraham Lincoln

We've all experienced it - some days life just seems boring or mechanical. Sometimes the feeling lasts for a few weeks or months. Sometimes even years. Suddenly, one day, something happens that makes life seem more exciting.

Maybe you meet that smart someone who excites you enough and you think, "Hey, he / she's cute (or funny or nice or sexy etc.) and I'd like to get to know him / her better". Or maybe you pick up a magazine out of boredom and read a fascinating article and tell yourself, "Wow, I want to know more" or "I feel so strongly about this that I should do something". Most tend to attribute this [sudden] new found happiness and zest for life to some event / person / fate or "moods". Some just enjoy the moment and remain ignorant about the cause.

But the more observant among us know that the real 'something' that always made life interesting was the conscious or unconscious decision to do something - the moment a goal was defined, big or small.

Why Do We Need Goals?

It should be obvious - if you know what you want, it is far easier to attain it than if you are vague or ambiguous. Here's how goals help us:

Goals give us a sense of purpose; something to look forward to.
They motivate us.
They keep us busy.
Goals increase our power of concentration.
They help us prioritize our desires, simplifying decision making.
Goals help us to feel more in control of our life.
Achieving them gives us a satisfaction, and the experience contributes to our personal growth.

Conscious goal setting increases our chance of achieving our goals.

Why does Goal Setting Work?

Goal setting works because the whole process is inclined towards making us think. Thinking is the world's most difficult thing to do. Careful preparation and thinking before acting doesn't necessarily guarantee success. But it makes us more aware of our thought process. Hence when we fail, we are at a better position to realize where our thought process was flawed and learn quickly from it.

How to Set Goals

Not all goals need an elaborate plan of action as described below. Small goals, like (for e.g.) going to the opera, don't need much thought. However, to achieve ambitious goals that are long term, a plan of action definitely helps. Here are a few things to keep in mind -

Write it down
This cannot be emphasized enough. Write your goals down. Trying to organize thoughts in our mind is very difficult. Important points tend to get lost as we start another thought process. Our goals also need to be constantly on our mind so that we don't get distracted and remain committed to it. Thus, writing down the goals is very important to organize our thoughts and commit the plan of action to our memory. It also helps when we need to review our goals later.
There is a huge resistance in us to not write down our goals. Deep down, a fear of failure is the most common reason. After all, writing it down is like a commitment to yourself. If we write our goals and not work on it for a long time, most of us accept it as a sign of failure. Probably because we tell ourselves, "I desired this so much, so why didn't I work on my goals? Maybe it's because <add a blame yourself or blame something else reason here>". To prevent this personalization / blame paralysing trap from setting in, we need to ask ourselves, "What do I do next?" rather than "Why did I fail?".
Break it down:
Most long term, ambitious goals can appear to be unachievable and overwhelming unless we break it down. Breaking down a goal to smaller and more specific objectives makes it easier to achieve it and gives us more clarity on how to do it. Achieving these smaller objectives excites and motivates us further. Start the process by answering the question, "What do I want?" - eg. "I want to be a millionaire", "I want to improve my social skills", "I want to get passing grades". Then start breaking them down into actionable objectives that'll help you achieve them.
Eg. "I want to improve my social skills" could be broken down into the following objective goals:
- Objective: Learn to start and end a conversation.
  I will read and practice one chapter of the book '[Some Book on small talk]' every week till I complete it. (Start Date: 2006/12/20.)
- Objective: Improve my small talk skills.
  I will pick a topic and have a conversation about it with different people every other day for 6 months. (Start Date: 2006/11/20.)
- Objective: To curb my anxiety when I am with a girl.
  I will ask out 2 girls I am not attracted to, for coffee, every month for a year. (Start date: 2007/01/01.)
- ... and so on ...
This whole process gives you more insights into the obstacles you might face, your own limitations, other goals you might have to achieve first and so on.
Always start your objective goals with 'I will', avoiding the word 'try'. 'Try' implies avoidance. If you feel like using the word 'try', perhaps the objective goal might be a bit too ambitious. For example, if your goal is to improve social skills and the action goal of asking out girls for coffee makes you really uncomfortable, aim a little lower, like - 'I will approach and have a conversation with 1 girl every week, for a year'. Objective goals should be action-oriented, specific, realistic, positive and a commitment. (For more on breaking down goals into objectives, read 'Reaching your goals').
Be specific
"So you want to 'make more money'? Here's a dollar. You must be in seventh heaven now - you have more money now than you did before!"
I am sure you get the message - we need to be clear and specific about our goals. 'Walk for an hour every morning at 6.30 AM till my body mass index is 20' is better than 'Do walking exercises' because it helps us track our progress and use the feedback to better our approach. Provide enough detail so that there is no indecision as to what exactly you should be doing when the time comes to do it. Being specific helps us to focus our efforts and clearly define our approach.
Be Realistic:
Sure being positive is motivating, but if it doesn't have a dose of reality we usually end up going in circles without realizing it. Deciding to become a millionaire when you are 40, might be achievable (others have done it), but choosing to become a millionaire by first becoming a classical singer (without any training) might not be a very realistic approach. While framing your goals, be realistic about your ambitions, the time you can commit and your physical abilities.
If you aren't sure, ask the opinion of others and request them to be brutally honest. Seek out these opinions from those who are themselves successful.
Don't Over-plan:
Planning for a goal is hard work and an important step to achieve it. Over planning, or spending all your time on just planning the goals, is a sign of hidden anxiety about a goal. By spending time only on planning, you fool yourself into believing that you are working on your goal, but the actual fact is that you are avoiding executing the plan. If you keep postponing to act on the goal, perhaps the goal might be too ambitious for you and you need to make it smaller (see tip 2). Or you may need to use a little cognitive therapy to confront your fears.

(This article is a work in progress.)

Facts of Life

2006-12-31T04:27:00.002+05:30

"Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won't have time to make them all yourself." - Alfred Sheinwold

Katherine Nichole Deibel, a grad student at the University of Washington, states in her Deibel Rules of Life:

You hold some responsibility for any event that occurs.
No matter how hard you try, you will never see the invisible truck that will run you over in the street.
You can fail yourself, but failing another is not permissible.
If something you desire that others you love have is denied to you, do not hate that which you desire, but instead embrace your friends' having of it. Denying something to all is not the answer.
Live. Then die. In that order. No exceptions.
Talking to yourself is okay. Giving yourself the silent treatment because you're mad at yourself is not.
Our imaginations house our future, our potential, and our ruin. Make sure your imaginary friends are not your enemies.
You are not your parents.
Saving some bread for the future will not work. You can only eat in the present.
Just as cars should allow pedestrians to pass, so should the pedestrians occasionally allow cars to pass.
Time is an illusion invented by the Swiss to sell watches.
All views are important to hear because somewhere in the chorus of opinions is the single melody of truth.
Buying a Brita water filter alone will not save the environment.
Misunderstood words can still hurt once understanding is achieved.
You are not the hero of some movie, novel, film or story. You're not the villain either. You are not even a supporting character for someone else. You just are.

Dr. Michael Juda, Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics, believes:

When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions.
Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Charles J. Sykes, author and educationalist wrote the article Some rules kids won't learn in school for the San Diego Union-Tribune. (This article is sometimes wrongly attributed to Bill Gates.) The following is a pared down version:

Life is not fair; get used to it
The real world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. When you screw up, he's not going to ask you how you feel about it.
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic and cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try cleaning your own room.
Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn't. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summer off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. We all could.
Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Ditto for "expressing yourself" with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.
You are not immortal. If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.
Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now.

Katie Paine is an entrepreneur. The following, excerpts from her manifesto, are some of the things she believes to be true about life in general:

Stay Fit: Staying Alive comes first – run, exercise, do something to keep yourself healthy.
People are Important: Relationships are next. Without friends, you are nothing. A friend, or a connection extends your lifespan by a decade. Put your friends first. The pain of losing a friend is the worst you’ll ever experience. Spend time with the friends you have while you have them. They might be gone tomorrow or next week, you never know.
Enjoy Life: No one ever lay on their death bed and wished they’d spent more time vacuuming, or at work, or asleep
Be Yourself: Be who you are and see who is pleased, stop trying to make everyone happy. You can’t. Be true to your values, your beliefs, your vision, your soul. Nothing else matters.
Everything happens for a reason.
Care: After breathing, the most important thing in life is caring.
Make a Difference: There are millions of people on the planet that just take up oxygen. Do you want to be one of them, or do you want to make a difference? You don’t have to make a difference on the whole while world. Make a difference in your community, in your family, in your neighborhood. It’s just as important.
It’s okay to miss your friends, it preserves their memories.

Cognitive Therapy

2006-12-23T19:17:00.000+05:30

"For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." - William Shakespeare

An unhealthy self-esteem is often because of a warped self-identity which makes us more prone to stress, depression and anxiety. Cognitive therapy (also known as cognitive behavior therapy) is very effective in reducing depression and anxiety by providing us an amazing insight to all our actions and feelings. When applied consistently over a period, it also helps correct faulty perceptions about our personal identity thus increasing our self-esteem and making us more resilient.

What is Cognitive Therapy?

The basic premise of cognitive therapy is that your thoughts and attitudes - not external events - create your feelings.

An example: You are waiting for a friend who is late. If you are feeling annoyed, you might be thinking, "He is always late and makes me wait." If you are worried, you might be thinking, "It's not like him to keep me waiting. I wonder what's wrong?" The event is the same - the friend is late, but depending on your thoughts your feelings will differ.

Another example: If you just read the above and thought, "It's some trick. This guy is playing with words and imaginary situations to fool me ...", you might be feeling angry. On the other hand, if you thought, "Wow. That's profound ... This means I can change my feelings by just changing my thought!", you might be feeling very excited.

Based on this premise, cognitive therapists believe that "distorted" thinking patterns causes depression and unhealthy anxiety. A "distortion" in a thought means that while the thought might seem very truthful and realistic, it is actually clouded by faulty perceptions and not factually correct. And hence, correcting these "cognitive distortions" (a "cognition" is simply a thought) can help a person cope better with depression and anxiety.

The ten cognitive distortions

All-or-nothing thinking: All-or-nothing thoughts are characterized by absolutes. This distortion polarises a person's thinking into either extremes without any shades of grey. Perfectionist thoughts are often characterized by this distortion - they often feel if something is not perfect than it's a total failure.

Overgeneralization: A single negative event is seen as a never ending pattern of failure or defeat. These thoughts are characterized by words such as "always" or "never". For example, when John had a romantic rejection he thought, "Girls just don't like me. I'll always be alone."

Mental Filter: This is characterized by concentrating all efforts on a single negative details at the cost of other positive ones. Example: A teacher praises your essay a lot and adds in the end, "... but your handwriting is terrible, you really need to work on that." You obsess only on this negative comment for days, ignoring all the positive feedback you got.

Discounting the positive: You reject all positive outcomes by insisting that they "don't matter". Example: A designer, you create a great piece of art and everyone praises you. You discount it by saying, "These people have no idea. Any designer could have done this". This distortion takes the joy out of life and makes you feel frustrated and inadequate.

Jumping to conclusions: Without factual basis you assume things will go negatively. There are 2 formats of this distortion:

Mind reading: Without any confirmation, you conclude that a person is reacting negatively to you. Example: "She must think I am idiot."

Fortune telling: You predict a negative outcome; that "things will go bad". Example: Before an interview you might think, "I am going to mess this up and not get the job."

Magnification / Minimization: "Making a mountain out of a molehill" characterizes this thought pattern. You might exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcoming and / or minimize your plus points.

Emotional reasoning: You assume your negative feelings reflect reality. Example: "I hate myself. This proves I am a rotten person." or "I feel angry. This means I am being treated unfairly."

"Should statements": You believe that things should be the way you hoped or expected. Example: "I shouldn't have scolded her." or "People should be nice to everyone." Should statements directed against yourself make you feel frustrated and guilty while those directed at other people make you feel frustrated and angry.

Labeling: Another form of all-or-nothing thinking, you attach a negative label to yourself or others. Example: Instead of saying you made a mistake, you label yourself a "loser". You may also label others - "He is a SOB". Labeling makes you think that the problem is with persons character, rather than his / her attitude or belief.

Personalization / Blame: Personalization is characterized by a tendency to hold yourself responsible for events that were beyond your control and leads to feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy. Example: A child does something bad, and the mother thinks, "It's my fault, I am a bad mother." Blame is the opposite of personalization where you don't take any responsibility and blame other people. Example: "My girl friend is responsible for all the misery in our relationship."

Common misunderstanding about cognitive therapy

(Source: cognitive therapy myths)

Cognitive Therapy is all about changing your thinking, and does not involve behavioral change.
Actually, Cognitive Therapy addresses your thinking, emotions, behaviors, and physiological symptoms (if applicable). Cognitive Therapy is called Cognitive Therapy because it is based on the premise that your underlying beliefs about yourself, others and the world influence the way you perceive situations, and prompt you to have certain thoughts, emotions, behavioral responses and physical symptoms.

Cognitive Therapy only deals with surface layer problems, and it does not do much to change the root of people’s problems.
Cognitive Therapy treatment starts by addressing present problems as a way to help patients gradually change their underlying problems. Cognitive Therapists work with patients to analyze what's happening in a given situation, come up with alternative responses, experiment with implementing new ways of thinking and acting, and gradually begin to change their responses to situations. When patients see how their reactions, mood and other symptoms can improve once they begin viewing situations in a more realistic light, they gradually begin to chip away at their ‘deep-seated’ core beliefs.

Continued » Cognitive Therapy - 2

(This article is incomplete and a work in progress.)