Notes From Mother

030: The First Ever Note to Self

2010-11-11T13:44:00.005-05:00

The first (but certainly not last) Note to Self exists so Mother won't forget to watch her second favorite Osmond (Marie) discuss her gay son's suicide on Oprah today. Suicide is one of a select few Fan Fave topics in this household so you should not be surprised that this warrants an all-caps reminder.

To end on a lighter note:

029: The Colonoscopy

2010-10-11T23:42:00.002-04:00

Is This Real Life?

028: The Aftermath of the Near Death Experience

2010-10-11T13:44:00.006-04:00

There are a myriad of problems that arise from being the only child to a pair of aging parents:

1. It will be my sole responsibility to properly care for them when they finally teeter onto the inevitable downward spiral that is senility.

2. My parents are so old they don't own or know how to utilize even the most primitive forms of technology, namely, a cellular phone.

Two weekends ago I developed a near-fatal rash thanks to a side effect of the mood stabilizer known as Lamotrigine, a medication for those who happen to be blessed with either manic-depressive illness OR epilepsy. Before writing the script for this medication, my psychiatrist issued a warning that if I were to break out into any sort of abnormal skin condition, to rush to an Emergency Room ASAP. My parents being the compulsive gamblers that they are, assumed I would fare okay and took off to their Home Away From Home, The Fallsview Casino in Niagara Falls, Ontario.

As there is no way to reach my family when they are immersed in slot machine culture, I had to call my friends who serve as my surrogate parents when things became dire and the rash spread from my thighs to my stomach to my back and all the way up my arms in disgusting, welt-like blobs and my breathing became shallow and panicked and I was forced to mull over which songs I would like to have played at my pending funeral procession.

Instead of investing in a cell phone as a cautionary procedure after my Near Death Experience, like every other consumer of the 21st century, my parents graciously left me the toll-free number of their hotel (sans room number) to contact them in case of further emergency. Thanks, guys. Love you, too.

027: The Plea

2010-08-28T21:28:00.004-04:00

After spending a good portion of my Saturday cleaning up dog vomit, I've decided I can no longer handle the responsibility of having pets 'in [my] hands'. There may or may not be some sort of backyard canine sacrifice ritual facilitated by my Jehovah's Witnesses neighbors in the future.

026: Don't Hate: Appropriate!

2010-07-17T17:02:00.005-04:00

Our 12 year old shih-tzu, Dakota (Fanning), is Knocking on Death's Door and will now only eat his mush when it is prepared with pieces of chewable Pepto Bismol tablets, heated for 8 - 20 seconds, and when my father mixes it up with his finger because the dog 'likes that better'.

And thanks for the heads up, Mom, that my bath towel is 'on line', though I wasn't left a corresponding URL to check that shit out.

025.5: The Casino Cancellation Amended

2010-06-25T15:17:00.002-04:00

Once summer vacation rolls around Mother gets a little note happy and the revisions and amendments to previous notes start flying.

Note that in Ireland, it is customary to say, 'flowers water' instead of 'water flowers'.

And I'm pretty sure Mother doesn't really need any more Dixarit as she's been 'going through menopause' for probably 15 years now.

025: The Casino Cancellation

2010-06-25T00:55:00.003-04:00

For those who don't know me, I was named after one of the worst songs ever written by one of music's most 'influential' bands of all time, The Beatles. As I hate my name and The Beatles for cursing me with it, it brought me great pleasure to spot this note on the kitchen counter tonight. My father must be pretty steamed though as a few weeks ago he told a Fallsview Casino representative that he 'would rather see Ringo Starr any day of the week' instead of accepting two free tickets to see Jon Stewart's stand-up routine, worth $90 each.

024: 2 Notes, 1 Mom

2010-06-23T23:56:00.005-04:00

It's a little humbling to have to sift through your family's garbage can to salvage a Note from Mother, but when your parents are Human Paper Shredders, you're left with no alternative. Finding it a tad alarming though to know that we have an infestation of ants in our Fibre 1 Honey Clusters. Sadly, I wouldn't have even noticed if it weren't for this friendly reminder from Mother.

023: The Novelty Stationery

2010-06-10T04:22:00.004-04:00

Purchasing this stationery at Dollarama is probably considered aiding and abetting, isn't it? Not only did Mother have to chart out all the times when I was to feed our cat while she was away over night, but she also took the liberty of taking two slices of bread out of the freezer in preparation for my lunch that day.

022: This Is Hardcore

2010-06-05T07:53:00.005-04:00

Now that my new meds cause me to wake up at 5:30 am most days, I have become rundown and my immune system is shot to shit. I asked Mother to drop me off at the nearest Walk-In Clinic on her way to the casino this morning and she threw a hissy because I would be delaying her gambling and told me to take the bus instead.

This is payback. Here is a series of photos of my mother in the early 1970s, in which she is trapped in a pretty horrific manic episode. She didn't sleep for six months (no exaggeration) and actually received house calls from her general practitioner that included injections of certain sleep aids, in the same vein as the late Michael Jackson. I have never in my life seen her smile like this before. Brace yourself.

St. Monica, The Woman, The Legend. Never without a cigarette in her hand. Predictably, died of lung cancer.

I feel like I don't even know this woman.

Manic family vacations: don't do it.

[Interlude]

2010-06-02T20:54:00.005-04:00

Y'all better Retweet and Reblog this!

021: Open Letter to the Hospital, circa 1990

2010-06-01T08:36:00.011-04:00

This is the opening line of a complaint letter my mother addressed to a certain hospital in 1990 after my grandmother received some 'poor service' during her stay. This makes me understand where I get not only my personal brand of snark, but, my use of ironic quotations.

The story is old (nineteen years old, to be specific) and permeates the context in which I was raised. My grandmother died of cancer in 1991 and that's all you need to know in order to understand that my young life was never the same from that moment on. The most important lesson this life has to give is Honor Thy Mother, even when she's being over-the-top ridiculous or when she relinquishes all future complaint letter writing duties over to you when you're only 12 years old.

020: The Forgotten Note of 2003

2010-05-31T02:24:00.005-04:00

Found in the pocket of my father's shabby winter coat that he got for free from some Pepsi Generation Next promotion in 1997. Going to go out on a limb here and assume this note was written sometime in 2003 as I also found an expired 50 Cents off Saran Wrap coupon from the same year in the same spot. In 2003, I was a high school dropout and apparently lived like one too, binge eating hot dogs and chocolate mirage cake (½ or whole).

019: Mother gets 'culturally relevant'

2010-05-27T12:25:00.006-04:00

Came home last night to this montage of my father's poorly constructed 'resume' and my own personal American Idol newsfeed sitting on the kitchen counter. Was really a difficult task to put together a list of my father's 'relevant skills' with absolutely nothing to work with save my pre-existing knowledge of his personal mantra, 'bullshit baffles brains'.

018: To whom it may concern

2010-05-26T02:34:00.004-04:00

My parents are moderately concerned about my deleterious mental state and therefore, have not been leaving me home alone as often as they used to, leading to a shortage in notes and my brief absence. Here's an oldie, but a goodie. Mother's eloquence really shines through in her request that I 'wipe shit from basement toilet' as a sort of pre-game ritual before our team of Ukranian cleaning ladies come over.

017: The Mother of all Entries

2010-05-09T02:05:00.008-04:00

This year, for Mother's Day, I splurged and bought her an iPod so she can listen to (only) Michael Bublé and Lady GaGa while she power walks around the neighborhood. The real gift, however, is in the shot-for-shot re-creation of a sentimental card from decades of yore.

Happy Mother's Day to you and yours.

Love

Notes From Mother

xxxxxxxx

ooooo

016: The Chair Sock

2010-05-05T20:01:00.007-04:00

I realize this isn't a note, but, I woke up this morning to find my designated chair at the family kitchen table to be wearing a sock. Not to mention, one of my socks. I'm not sure how I feel about this drastic attempt at carpet preservation or what I'm supposed to do now with only one grey sock.

If anyone out there is actually reading this, do me a favor and please submit one of your own notes from Mother or Father or I'd even accept notes from Adopted Cousin at this point. This project has quickly become indulgent and embarrassing. Your anonymity is of course, guaranteed. notes.from.mother@gmail.com

015: The Report Card

2010-05-04T03:32:00.009-04:00

Here at Notes-From-Mother, we're prepping for our 1st Annual Mother's Day Extravaganza/Variety Hour. Today, Mother and I made our first of three visits this week to the final resting place of Honorary Lifetime Member of the Mothers Hall of Fame, St. Monica.

As we count down the days to the 9th of May, I leave you with my Mother's comments on one of my report cards from seventh grade. It is important to note that I was secretly in love with this seventh grade teacher and we had a bizarre, student-teacher relationship (although, not a sexual one, unfortunately). I am especially partial to the "I would like to know why you would purposely disappoint her in this way" comment courtesy of Mother. She clearly did not understand the depths of my torrid connection with M. Dawson, or that the two of us frequently got off on my humbling moments.

Also, I seem to have been quite proud of that 99% I got on our big creative writing assignment. I wrote a steamy student-teacher sex scandal narrative. Not joking.

014: Water Sports

2010-05-01T02:59:00.006-04:00

Here lies the joint mother-daughter entry to my childhood swim group's sessional Water Safety Rules Poster Contest. As you can see, we placed 3rd, and together we must have been very proud of our accomplishment, as the poster is sadly, still in tact. I would hate to see what qualified for the 4th place pity prize.

013: Desperate Times: The Whiteboard Debut

2010-04-27T01:00:00.007-04:00

Mother thinks she's being so clever now by writing notes on the whiteboard component of our fifty year old refrigerator. If she feels this new method of communication will minimize her Internet footprint, she's sorely mistaken. Above the note about my inconclusive test results is a copy of the last family photo ever taken. This was a month before my grandmother died of lung cancer, at her final Birthday Blowout Bash, 19 years ago. I'm thinking of going all out for the 20th Anniversary Edition of her death next Christmas by instigating a special mother-daughter suicide pact.

012: Entire Family Combo Platter

2010-04-22T01:00:00.004-04:00

I'm pretty sure American Idol made a giant mistake by not featuring my family amongst the other needy recipients on tonight's 'Idol Gives Back' episode. We are clearly in a dire paper rationing situation if all three of us have to share one scrap page from the Responsible Gambling notebook.

I am on a significant amount of medication that impairs my memory and thus, I have to create itemized lists of things I want to download or I'll never remember otherwise. However, this list was ravaged by both a casino/hotel confirmation number and a warning not to use the upstairs toilet. When I inquired as to why, Mother said "the biggest turd [she'd] ever seen" clogged up our indoor plumbing.

011: This is why I'm Single

2010-04-21T01:56:00.003-04:00

Another Note from Mother feat. Dad due to an ongoing paper shortage.

Reasons why I'm single #4895645674: My mother and I wear the same mom cut underwear to hide our unflattering, middle-aged bodies.

010: 2 for 1

2010-04-19T02:27:00.005-04:00

Here is a twofer featuring the ultimate mother and daughter duo. Because there is a shortage of paper in my household due to the fact that my parents like to shred every personal document into tiny pieces with their bare hands (they are too cheap to buy a real paper shredder), sometimes one note gets answered with another. A simple request to be awoken the following morning gets answered with the bizarre 'I'm saving boxes & rolls', whatever that means.

Notice this comes from a notebook manufactured by Responsible Gambling and is distributed regularly at casinos in the Ontario region. Know your Limit and Play Within it, folks.

Fan Mail

2010-04-18T21:42:00.001-04:00

Dear 'Paul',

I think you missed the point.

From,

Your Humble Narrator

009: Blast from the Past - the Day Planner from 1990

2010-04-17T19:00:00.005-04:00

The last time my mother kept a day planner was 1990 and as exhibited above, you can see why. Her life was tragic. No one should chronicle their cleaning achievements or commit an entire week to washing curtains in the same vein that others devote their energies to Shark Week.