It would be an understatement to say that the last couple of months have been horrible. There have been so many changes, so many bottled up emotions. I feel like everywhere I may look there is a reminder of my mom. Thoughts of words I never said to hear whisper in my ear. It is amazing what little things trigger my memories of her.

I think the most difficult is driving by the hospital she died in. The other thing that really kills me is the fact that I have to roam the hallways of the hospital that overlooked her diagnosis. The anger grows with each step that I take in this place. It’s amazing to think that she was able to get up and walk away from here, like nothing was wrong. In hindsight I am glad that we were able to bring her home, that she was able to make her grandkids breakfast.

But every moment that I spend in my house, in this hospital and in this town kills me slowly.

We have thought long and hard and we are moving. Not just because of all of these feelings, but because we wanted to before. This is the additional push that we needed to leave.
We are moving to Indianapolis, IN. We are currently looking for a place to stay. We already bought our new car to get us there. We want a house, but an apartment would be ok. I need to be able to bring my furbabies. My cats, my dear cats will hate the 34 hour drive. But its ok, once we get there we will all be happy.

I loved the tarnished gold, it looks so pretty. I had problems with the Sinful Colors though, the formula was really gooey and this was the first time I used it. It was just an odd application. The color is a pretty coral with a nice pearl shimmer.

I did 3 coats and one coat of Seche Vite Dry Fast Top Coat.

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I used Sinful Colors – Amethyst and Essie – Shine of the times.

I am waiting for an order of some new polish so I will be posting more often.

Here is my attempt at a leopard nail. I used Essie – Topless & Barefoot, NYC – Black Lace Cream and Sally Hansen – Strobe Light. I first added three coats of topless and barefoot. I then added random strobe light dots. I followed up with the black lace cream and added the finishing touches using a nail brush. I think I may have over done it for some nails, but I like the way it turned out.

 More pictures after the fold

Zoya – Bevin

Sinful Colors- White

I tried to do some simple strips. This proved very challenging for me ;p. The tape pulled some of the nail polish up, probably because I did not let it dry completely. The top coat made it look a lot better and smoothed everything out.

I did this quick manicure with Essie Bobbing for Baubles. The edges look at bit rough . I need to go out and buy myself a nail brush to clean the edges up when I am done.

It’s hard to not cry about my mom. I find myself thinking about her last moments over and over. I see myself in the elevator waiting for the doors to open, while hearing the code blue announced on the intercom. I see myself  running down the hallway to her room, I see the code team surrounding her. I hear myself screaming stop, it felt like time stood still as I saw the people moving away from her. The second hand on that clock moved so slow after they stopped the CPR.

It’s even harder to think about since I was getting everything ready at home for her to come home. I still find it unreal. I know that the second that I cry, that I am not going to stop. I have kind of taken a step back and trying to rest. Trying to pick up the pieces, the pieces of my life. I have not been to work for two weeks. E-mails have gone unread and phone calls have been missed and not returned. I have no desire to speak to anyone. Unreal. That is the only word that comes to mind.

I made her memorial cards to give out at the funeral, I even made her arrangements for the service and some for her casket. I had a hard time realizing why I was making the arrangements. I was glad to see everyone that went to her funeral service. My coworkers showed up too, that was very nice.

Sleep has been pretty much impossible, I need to listen to music non stop to sleep. I have to thank Lana Del Rey for the sleep her music has provided.

I am still in shock. I am mad that I did not get to speak to her before she died.

It turns out that my mom did not have stage iv cancer, she had tuberculosis. We have all been exposed to it since November, no one tested for it considering some genius wrote that she had history of cancer in her chart – that was incorrect. I am just super upset that my mom had to go through months of pain and 3 biopsies for them to finally figure it out. Now she is in ICU because of the extensive scarring in her lungs. She is currently septic as well. I don’t know what to make of everything. It is just so damn overwhelming.

This is what I have been up to:

I used Essie in Eternal Optimist and Set in Stones. I found Eternal Optimist at walgreens, and it is great. The formula for this color is awesome, I have had problems with streaking with some of the sheers. I used SinfulColors in Snow Me White for the heart and put Set in Stones over it.

Please excuse my ashy fingers Please click-through for another picture.

My mom is back in the hospital. I had to take her early in the morning on Thursday. She was complaining of shortness of breath. We took her to the hospital that is close to out house and then they transferred her to the hospital I work out via ambulance. Her o2 Sat levels were really low. I spent the night with her on Saturday and poor thing it was a long night for her. For now the game plan is to rule out TB and then do a biopsy. Apparently TB can be confused with lung cancer, they moved her to a isolation room while I was there.

The doctor we spoke to on Saturday finds her case really interesting, so I am confident my mom will get all sorts of tests before her discharge. I am so not ready to lose my mom.

I got home later that evening and she told me she was thinking of just staying how she is. She doesn’t want to be poked and prodded. What can I say to that??!

Heart broken x 1000

credit: Kerekes János Csongor

 This last month has really flown by. Everything stressful was crammed into 1 month.

My mom finally had her Oncology appointment on December 23rd. They told her that she for sure has stage IV cancer, they just need to determine the type of cancer. She had a biopsy done by the Interventional radiology team when she was impatient, but the sample size was too small. So they scheduled an appointment for her to see the surgery department.

I took her to that appointment today and they scheduled her for another biopsy in the morning. The surgeon told us that her CA 125 levels were elevated, which usually indicates ovarian cancer. She has a total hysterectomy 11 years ago for a 7 pound tumor that was attached to her ovary so this is really no surprise.

My experience of actually being a patient’s family member at the hospital where I work has been a roller coaster of emotions. I felt very safe and taken care of with some staff and very betrayed by others. My mother’s attending doctor was vile, I seriously wanted to punch his pretty eyebrows off his face. This ass hat came into the room without introducing himself and told her “You have stage IV cancer and you should be ready to discharge today with hospice”. I was very confused and asked who he was since she had not had her biopsy. He got mad that I asked him that and loudly declared that he was the attending and any questions should be directed to him. I asked so many questions and he proceeded to lie and say that we did not have inpatient oncology or radiation therapy at our hospital. I quickly interjected letting him know that I knew otherwise as I have worked there for more than 7 years. It pretty much came down to me telling him, I don’t know who you think you are, but you sir are a moron.

I was able to get oncology to see her prior to discharge, that is how we ended up with her oncology appointment. Otherwise it would have taken another month to get a primary care doctor who takes uninsured patients. My Mom should not have to wait that long, hell no one should have to wait that long. I can finally understand the frustration of some patients that call my department begging for help.

Throughout this month I have had clerks roll their eyes at me, scoff at the idea of actually working, and seeing the 360 of their attitude once I flashed my badge. It’s ridiculous. BUT at the same time, people have helped me beyond their job duties without knowing I work there. I mean if you don’t like to help/serve people don’t work in PUBLIC SERVICE.

Her biopsy is tomorrow and I will post and update soon.

credit: Leonrw

 Happy New Year!!! I hope everyone has a wonderful night.

 credit: pierpeter

I am so ready to unwind. I will post a more insightful post in the morning. For now I am off to the casino in Temecula.