It all started when I met the new baby that some friends of ours recently adopted.  He was truly the most precious little thing, all snuggly and sweet and smelling like baby goodness.  I seriously could not get enough of his tiny little head resting against my chest as I automatically went into that whole back and forth rocking thing your body instantly does when holding a newborn.  It got me to thinking that maybe WE should adopt.

But I soon remembered how much I like my sleep and my last bits of sanity and my free time when the kids are at school.  So I then turned my attention to the next best thing — puppies.  Perhaps Goatdog could use a playmate!  And perhaps that playmate would also conveniently fit in my purse and sit in my lap on command!  And unlike human babies, I could stick a young pup in a cage when I need a break!

So I’ve since been trolling the Adopt-A-Pet websites like it’s my job, looking for a pint-sized pooch to add to our mix.  My husband, naturally, thinks I’ve gone off the deep end since he knows full well what havoc ol’ Goatdog (bless his naughty little heart) has wreaked upon our household throughout the past four years.  I’ll have to do some SERIOUS sweet talking to get him to butter up to the idea.  However, I can be pretty darn convincing, so I’ll keep you posted….

** Cramps and mammograms are just two of the many perks (*ahem*)  of being a woman.

** I’d rather be a wrinkled mess than pull out an iron.

** Kids and husbands have very selective hearing.

** Getting in bed early to read a book didn’t kill me after all.

** Paying your offspring to do things you don’t wanna do is a win-win situation.

** Wine tastes so much better than NyQuil.

** The majority of the carpool line thinks their time is more valuable than anyone else’s.

** I really need an understudy.

** The floor is apparently a better coat rack than the coat rack.

** Eighty degrees one day and forty degrees the next is just flat-out CRUEL.

** You know you’re screwed when you can’t even remember to do the things you took the time to write down.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

** I really couldn’t give a rat’s ass what Ryan Lochte would do.

** Diarrhea of the mouth is a dangerous thing.

** If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re doing something wrong.

** I can rest easy now that my kids know what dingleberries are.

** Every day should involve sunshine.

** Parking tickets piss me off — especially in front of my own freaking house!!!

** Trees look so much prettier when they have leaves.

** You can’t be a cookie and not expect to be eaten when you come around me.

** My ten year olds are more technologically savvy than I am.

** Falling asleep on the couch never seems to work out well for anyone except the dog.

** Soap isn’t really part of my son’s shower routine.

** WAY too many people are trying to play the stupid card lately.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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I don’t know about you, but I think little league baseball is one of the most painful sports to watch.  Not only is it like staring at drying paint cause it takes ten zillion years for a game to finish, but it’s also agonizing to see how much pressure those little guys put on themselves when they’re up to bat.  It’s all I can do not to jump out of my bleacher seat and rush over to hug their tears away (while my husband rolls his eyes at me of course).

Just this past week, I sat with the usual lump in my throat as I saw my son strike out two different times and sulk back to the dugout while trying not to cry.  I then watched three other boys follow suit, all kicking dirt and fighting back tears after their not-so-successful turns at bat.  It literally hurt my hurt.  Maybe it’s the motherly instinct in me or maybe I’m just an old softie, but I so badly wanted to scoop ‘em all up and take ‘em out for ice cream.  To hell with the stupid game!

However, I somehow held it together and let them all brave it out on their own.  I just knew that my son would be in a rotten mood the rest of the night as he replayed the events in his mind.  But much to my surprise, things turned around in the fifth and sixth innings when he made two AMAZING catches in the outfield!  In fact, they were so amazing, that he had to do a double-take to make sure the ball was actually in his glove each time.

After the game, the coach even presented him with the MVP game ball for his incredible plays.  His smile grew a mile wide as he accepted the many pats on the back from his teammates.  Talk about turning a frown upside down!  I thought I was going to burst with pride as I cheered through the tears in my eyes.  It was incredible —  EVERY kid should have a chance to feel like that, don’t ya think?

** My son isn’t afraid to run a song straight into the ground.

** Neither time nor cheese is on my side.

** If answering questions was a high-paying job, I’d be rolling in the benjamins.

** I feel naked without my cell phone.

** It’s such a nice change of pace to get something in the mail besides bills.

** An uncooperative eyelash can totally funk up your driving skills.

** Judge Judy would be awesome at dodgeball.

** Getting the short people out the door is like herding turtles.

** Every time I think we’re done with the damn winter gear, I’ve gotta dig it right back out of the closet again.

** When you trip over your own feet and fall on your ass, it’s not always easy to pretend it didn’t happen.

** Sometimes it’s easier just to close the door than it is to clean up the mess.

** A Porta Potty at Lollapalooza is probably cleaner than my kids’ bathroom.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Goatdog continues to amaze me with the ridiculously crazy things he chooses to eat. Lately, he’s munched on everything from aluminum foil to snotty Kleenex’s.  The more disgusting the item, the more appetizing it is to him.  And the biggest lesson we’ve repeatedly learned from his bizarre eating habits is that if it smells like the dog stuck his head in the toilet, there’s a 99.9% chance that the dog has, in fact, stuck his head in the toilet.

Our most embarrassing experience with his toilet snacking tendencies involved an impromptu visit from a neighbor.  Upon entering the foyer of our home, she was immediately greeted with big, wet, slobbery dog kisses.  I mean, the dog’s beard was literally dripping with water.  I apologized up and down and explained that Goatdog is a very messy water drinker, as I shooed him away from her. However, she insisted that she loved dogs and knelt down to his level, whereby he proceeded to give her a complete facial with his tongue.

We laughed and laughed and said how funny it was that she was now covered with dog spit as she bid me ado.  But my giggly mood soon changed into sheer horror when I closed the door and saw the brown clumps of wet toilet paper strewn throughout the house.  It turned out that my son had ONCE AGAIN forgotten to flush, and ol’ Goatdog had evidently helped himself to a little “afternoon snack“.  Revolting, I know.  I was totally and completely mortified (not to mention grossed out).

In fact, I was so embarrassed that I never actually had the guts to tell my neighbor the truth about the situation.  I figured that she really didn’t need to know where Goatdog’s tongue had been prior to it cleaning her entire freaking face.  Cause God knows, I sure wouldn’t want to know about it after the fact.  It’s true, ya know — sometimes ignorance really IS bliss, isn’t it?

** Spilled wine is WAY worse than spilled milk.

** The DMV is truly a vast sea of weirdness.

** Turning 29 again wasn’t so bad after all.

** We evidently need to start lining up in two’s to board the ark.

** There’d better be some big-ass May flowers in Chicago after all these freaking April showers.

** Goatdog needs Xanax.  Or a straight jacket.  Big time.

** The amount of stupidity posted on Facebook literally makes my head hurt sometimes.

** I blinked, and suddenly, my daughter’s feet are as big as mine.

** Rock, Paper, Scissors is only fair if I win.

** Somewhere, a sunny, deserted island is calling my name.  I just know it.

** I’m having to remind myself A LOT lately that the good people in this world outnumber the bad.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

It’s hard to believe that ten whole years have passed since I was squeezing my legs together like a freaking vice so my twins wouldn’t be born on my birthday.  Yep, call me crazy, but I did NOT wanna have to share the same b-day as my kiddos.  I mean, seriously, moms get so few days of recognition as it is!  And, dammit, I wanted my own day for myself!  Thankfully, my mission was accomplished, and my babies were born three days after my birthday.  So, unlike me, they’ve had to learn throughout the years how to compromise with each other on their shared day of birth, like it or not.

We used to get away with the ol’ joint birthday party, knocking out both kids’ celebrations in one fell swoop.  They pretty much had all the same friends anyway, so it was like killing two birds with the same stone.  A few hours with a bunch of sugar-fueled kids running their asses off at Pump It Up, and we could call it a day.  As they’ve gotten older, though, their interests have totally changed, and we’ve had to succumb to separate parties for separate kids.

So now, we do the whole marathon party day.  We go balls-to-the-wall all day long to celebrate each twin’s special day separately, respectively.  And this year?  Well, my daughter’s requested a spa day with her friends (what can I say — like mother, like daughter), while my son just wants to have a few buddies over to play Minecraft in the basement (which, ironically, is not much different than any other given day, but, hey, who am I to argue with simplicity??!!)  We like to give the people what they want.

So this Saturday, we’ll be gearing up for some non-stop partying with the big ten year olds.  Double digits — I can hardly believe it.  A whole decade of memories.  And they still are the very BEST gifts I’ve ever gotten.

** The longer you watch t.v. at night, the stupider the commercials get.

** North Korea needs a giant chill pill.

** I seriously hate sleepovers.

** It’s not so bad to be poked by a hot doctor.

** Rick Pitino may very well be a vampire.

** When you send your husband to buy cleats for your son, he may or may not come back with shoes that could fit YOU.

** I’ve smelled entirely too much dog poo lately.

** Manners need to make a serious comeback in this world.

** “Mother of the Year” is totally overrated anyway.

** Contrary to popular opinion, I’m actually NOT a short order cook.

** Spring in Chicago continues to be a huge pile of BS.

** April might just be the month when my mind finally explodes.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>