(o^-^)o("memº®¦eS")o(^-^o)

2012-01-28T17:32:00.000+08:00

Thursday sophia and i, had a steamboat at April's place after i make a trip to the doc as i wasn't feeling well. had migraine for 2 days despite taking panadol. Doc says if this continue, i gotta go for a check up to see what's wrong. when he told me that, he look very worry. WTF?! he scares me up. and asked weather did i have any nose bleed nor hit on my head. and ask me to lift up my legs. -.-"

couldn't understand why, i did it as told. and. i told the doc "OK LEH! can lift up." -.-*

the doc just laughed at my reaction. zzz

Steamboat was awesome, as usual, hotdogs are the first to finish!

MEGA LOVE HER MARINATION OF MEAT. veryyy tasty.

first time i had so much meat!!!

-----------

This is me how i look when i think of....

been too long since i make up ever since i quit working as a dancer at aura, i stop making up. feels weird. so not used to it.

Zack birthday//

moets.

It was a crazy night with 3 tables in total at shanghai dolly and, there's so many bottles of gorden bleu, mad crazy, more then 10 bottles and i even saw one cannon. WTH! and few bottles of moet. sadly, i only drank a cup of gorden bleu and one moet. then i had green tea all the way. cause i took medication and couldn't drink at all.//

eugene saw me and couldn't really recognized me. -.-" after sheena said jenny leh. he was like O.O and he ask me what happen to me, why i so lady. WTF!!! so all the while he treat me as a MAN?!

and everyone should know dramas always happen. and it happen once again. -.-"

although im rather used to it. cause not the first time already.

so i know what to say or react. but still i feel quite sad for _____.

BLA!

i know it's only 5:30pm when i blogged

but, im feeling very drowsy the medication is making me dizzy.

i miss his textes. ):

As usual, all photos are not being photoshop.

+ in your eyes i can see the reason why i love so mad. +

Materialistic not?!

2012-01-26T08:15:00.001+08:00

Is being not materialistic that bad?

-.-

Sometimes i feel like murdering belle. Its like i know him is thru her, so... Why say till so ugly sialll. @.@ aiya. Money is always jus a inferior item. Its not really that impt. Thats what i always felt when i get to know him. Before that, i would say i'm i very materialistic person who just cannot even stand to pay for my own share let alone to even buy sth for guys. Ok. i wouldnt even buy anything. -.- except of anniversary. Not even birthday, of cus that depends on whats the weight-age of the person is to me.//

Right now, i still feel the same that money isnt that impt just that i really would feel disgusted if people were to think they have everything and they deserve better. Who are they to want more. //

Its like when you buy things you had this amt of money you get what your worth. Dont expect more than what your worth is. Thats reality. Its cruel. Be it what religion you are in, its the same. Money is not a must to have but without it. Its impossible to survive.

I still rem When i actually promised to quit entirely and even said when i grad i would try help him as much as i could i meant it. How much have i thought thru before even saying that. But, its not sth i could do anymore. Its for someone else to do so.//

Humans change at a speed of light. They couldn't see the slightest effort you try, but just picking on your flaws. Thats reality. //

Sometimes i really wondered, whats wrong with human. Whats wrong with this society.

When you are being realistic, people judge you. When you are not, you are once again judged. How nice. Humans are as complicated as the design issue that i am working on. -.-"

Oh ya i gotta mention sth funny. Mon, jason just mention i should go simply just throw all my bible away. And tues, bitchh and was saying all about being holy and thay we sinned too much and we should go church service. -.- then, just this morning belle and i was being so god damn holy to talk about the topic. @.@ holyyy week siaaal!

{{ those who oppose the Lord will be shattered.
He will thunder against them from heaven;
the Lord will judge the ends of the earth.

“He will give strength to his king and exalt the horn of his anointed.” (1 Samuel 2:10 NIV84). }}

Wonder who is the one who came my blog from states and kept exiting on all the links? ！(◎_◎;)

I have this issue of typing finish and nt publishing till hours later. -.-"

2012-01-25T00:37:00.000+08:00

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR

went to my granny place again. And i ask my cousin to ride me down as usual. horridly, i think of him and those days... i don't know what's wrong with me seriously. why can i just get over him like how he just get over with a snap?!

this year i did the most stunning stuff ever, i actually sang?! when i told sophia over the phone last night when she called she was like "OMFG JENNY~~~!!" cause i actually accompanied her to kbox before and i sat there and look at here sing like a retard for 2 hours (i think). and i actually took the mic yesterday and sang with my cousin?! I think im just too upset.//

my outfit. like i said, decent looking cloths.

my younger cousins. we used hang out together in the past. close friends of mine would see her before and, drinkings friends might see him before.

That act fierce dog. cookie.

There's actually another huge dog but... i didn't take photo of it. cause, he was scaring the shit out of me. he just barked as and when he like. luckily he's in the cage else i think im in the hospital now. that wan was seriously crazy.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST... That's B, met up with her after her dnd at my bro place:

oh did i mention she snored?! she actually snored like nobody business. LOL

and she told us, she don't snore. -.-"

2012-01-21T23:29:00.000+08:00

「鱼说：你看不见我眼中的泪，应为我在水中。」
「水说：我能感觉到你的泪，因为你在我心中。」

Above is (fish&water) one of my fave quote from a novelist. But i dont know the name. -.-

That quote has been appearing in my blog few times already, if you are a reader who reads since the start of my blog.
But. I doubt anyone who reads are. Cause i change url once.

Sometimes, dont we just hope, someone would treat us the way others are? But in fact, we should be contented at what we are having? 应该知足了吧？humans never get contended. they just want more. i'm like this as well. -.- i mean when we are still together.

we, humans sure hope of the better, but it doesn't mean that the would just want to leave when you are at your worst isn't. humans loves to whine and grumble about stuff they wouldn't have or can't met their expectation all the time. we fantasize how great things would be - the 'what ifs' concept.

Saw jasley tweet, which i retweet

"once you love someone, even you move on, it will always hurt you when to see them with someone else"

actually i felt that if move on, theres still feelings then you will feel hurt. Else i feel that there wouldn't be any. Or maybe, its only me who felt this way..

can i have partially selective amnesia?
or can someone just tell me what can i do to forget?

sometimes i hope we could just click on our brain and select the unwanted stuff we don't want to rem and del them off or back up and put aside? just like technology?

----------
saw the tweet that he drink and ride. don't know what is he thinking. he always say to me that you can reject drinking right? why still keep drinking? sighh. but now. he's drink riding. doesn't that "someone" or anyone even stop him from doing stuff like this?! ok rephrase, can anyone just stop him from doing stuff like this?! be it did he drink alot or just a little.. it's too dangerous.

2012-01-20T22:21:00.001+08:00

How would you feel, when you see someone getting what they deserved? Be it good or bad. //

I feel that everyone has someone that is waiting to see your fall. As well as someone waiting for you to see you smile once more.

&
The worst is. I lost my reason to smile. I cant seem to recognize myself when in see my reflection in the mirror thats how scary it is.

Even so, a huge sense of satisfactory when i saw that my friend got what she deserved. (:: Only when you are the want who is being treated this way, you will know what kinda person they are and you would feel happy or curse at them.//

Humans are scary, so is reality. You never know when your deeds would be repaid or when you will get your karma.

And i know im terrible. Disappearing from school the longest time ever. This never happen straight for whole week before.//

Im shocked as well. But i feel that i cant handle it. This is too much for me to handle. I swear i will do my work and submit on time. I promise. Although, promise are ment to be broken most of the time.

Wait. No. It's not broken..

Just being delayed. //

My not even halfway done sketch of
Sean penn. i know it have the least look like him.//

2012-01-20T00:41:00.000+08:00

THIS IS NOT A STOLEN PHOTO.

I took this a mth back.. yes, i feel sick now to think that...

i actually took a photo of this. -.-"

成今我们的快乐，现在又算什么呢？
人啊。太现实了。

就这样算了吧？有可能就这样算了吗？

有可能在一天晚上，全都忘掉吗？

我们成有的梦想就象泡沫。
说爆就爆。

这一切都不是我想要的。

感觉好不踏实。

2012-01-15T21:48:00.000+08:00

Lying to myslf is bad.
Pretending to be fine in front of everyone feels terrible.

Took this pic while ziling was shitting in the toilet some time back.

Very bad. Really. Seriously why. I dont get it.

Packed up almost 24 hr of my time. But still i would think of him. Is it that, i haven pack my time enough or what? ):

Why would people just move on or feelings has changes jus in a snap of finger?! ):
How did they do that?

The only advantage of this is that i lose alot of weight. All of my shorts are too lose.

ah jie bought a share for me when i was at her place...

Totally make me feel so upset. it just remind me of him... looking at that old couple that is being printed in the container make me feel sad. this world is filled realistic people all around..//

Had steamboat at jie place on sat night and... We spent 200bucks on all the ingredients. Hahha!! Totally scary.

gave a few of my questionnaire out. and there's this reply... which is totally epic.

BLA!

Sheena next me about a week back asking me to go jb with them, i told her i'll confirm with her on sat. which i told her ok. on the day itself. i got so shock and rather panicked. cause, i saw that check-in. my mind went blank. i wanted to back out. but... im sure she would kill me. so.. i went anyway.

We went to JB Premium Outlet Store.

NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT THAT PLACE.

some stuff are even more expensive then what sg is retailing at. brands are limited as well unless you are looking for sports brands such as Nike, Adidas, Puma etc.. and. it's so HOT! i could hardly breath. and... i bought nothing branded, just a top and a shorts from COTTON ON! i wonder who would buy there -.-" since i don't really shop cotton on in sg and i have no time at all to even get out, i decided to buy there. hmm, size 4.. im a US size 4 now. im quite shock. -.-" i always buy 5 or 6.. there's even once i bought from mango a size 8 shorts. GAH!

I totally can't believe my eyes.

Struggled so hard not to think of him earlier on,
but still.. he just appear in my mind.
like a nightmare that haunts me.

life is weird. really//

this is not the first time things like this occurred//

we tend to always heading to somewhere near each other unknowingly and unplanned..//

sighh...

numerous of times, i actually avoided it. cause. i don't know how should i react.

it's like what if i said hi and he just walk past.

what if... sighh...
but, i didn't saw him...//
i wonder do i feel relieve or what.. it feels abit bitter though.

lifeless.

2012-01-13T17:42:00.001+08:00

~~DARK~~ BLACK FRIDAY

Why did i not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb? [JOB 3:11]

Had this dream last night creepy enough to make me open my bible once more, since it was just next to me when i woke up. -.-" and i didn't know we can dream of ourself, with our own face. -.-!! naise, but in that dream, i was 8 yrs old i think.. and i dreamt of reality, something that happened before but almost forgotten. when i was still staying somewhere in toapayo i think? when i still head to church every sat morning at faith community bap. church with my mum's friend. i still remember the logo in that dream and i googled to actually found out that it was there.. weird thing is that. -.-" i, myself don't remember why. and what's going on.//

why for no reason it jus pop out. -.- //

I declare dreams are weird//

and i hope there wouldn't be any part 2 of this dream -.-

was browsing thru the blogsphere, since JX flew my plane to do assignments tgt due to her having headache. So, i can't really continue what i'm suppose to do without gg to her school to print.

Saw this post from Kaykay, and somewhat it relates to me in a way.

can't help to feel downn. can't help it.

Thought about it long and hard. Over and over again, I’d replay our fights in my head. Who said what, who assumed what, who stubbornly refused to budge.

We could just be someone that doesn't quarrel/fight. but we did it cus, we care (i suppose?). so what turns all this to another diamantion that we don't understand why anymore?

Every time something upset me, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell you. I was unhappy all the time and issues were never-ending and no amount of explanation would ever change my mind.

people always tend to want someone to change for the better. they want this and that. but. when it comes to certain issue. it's like a recap a re-look at everything all over again.//

sigh.

randomly//

empty. i just remember, why, i always used the word. or rather like that word. //

As i read thru some of my old blog post. which is almost impossible to find. since those was not created in blogger and they emailed me cus, it was in active for ages. it just shown me that. i have been complicating my life too much. ever since the year V.D started.

Lastly,

I'm falling apart

I'm barley breathing

With a broken heart

That is still beating

2012-01-12T12:30:00.010+08:00

SORRY PEOPLE before reading my post, mind helping me do a survey for project..
THANKS A LOT in advance.

Click here to take survey

------

It has been a month since everything that happened.. everything just felt like it was just yesterday.

we no longer contact, no longer talk, no longer see each other. that's what he wants i guess//
zzz. but. i still think of him most of the time //

im still struggling with my emotions, school works and life. nothing seems going well. although im trying double or triple as hard this sem for sch work. i seems to be stuck somehow. ):

D&AD submission us is earlier then the dateline giving in the brief. which is..... in 2 more weeks. actual brief is march. GAH!

suddenly i have a urge to drink all my sorrows away again. ):
'cause everything is jus an illusion.

____this is a scheduled post]]

Sometimes.

2012-01-09T17:08:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i would stare blankly not knowing what is going on in my mind. It's pretty scary cause it can happen anywhere, be it at home or outside.

Once it just happened while i was crossing the road and some car horned at me. Idk what more will happen next. Although i would no longer slid my wrist, even the temptation is there. I remembered i promised i would not do anything stupid when someone close to him committed suicide.

First day of school is okay. Cause i managed to submit a rather last min ______proposal which is compulsory to all lvl 3 students.

Awesomeness is when i return to school on time. But the journey to school wasnt that great. Huge urge to text him. Knowing i shouldnt take this first move at all. It's not about pride and ego, its something personal. Sometimes it feels like im back to the state where M and i just broke up those agony that i faced.

although i know, he moved on and most probably already in love with someone else. it doesn't help killing all the feelings i still have.

2012-01-08T13:51:00.001+08:00

Woke up from my migraine, scroll thru twitter and i saw certain tweet that make me feel that, the person he mention that stand on his side was her. Obviously. Cause none of my close friends would judge everything only jie at times when she is pissed off. So i got so pissed off. who is she to judge when she dont know anything? Wtf. And i didnt even know they are that close.

Is that a joke? Really. Last year, she told me stuff as well so this time she is commenting again? Naise. Lucky i was never that close to her. Its is a relieve isn't? Still i got so affected. Shitty feeling now.

I know we shouldnt judge a person if we have no evidence. But.. Who is the person to even say things like that. Urghs.

2012-01-07T15:50:00.000+08:00

haven't been clubbing for quite some time.

school is starting in few days, to be exact it's 2 more days... im still not in the right state of mood yet. very bad.

meet up with B yesterday. and we went to grab some drinks and head to her "complicated guy" place. finished everything almost... and i was having chest pains. not sure what is the problem.. but.. last year, i had similar experience. headed home quickly and shower then headed to bed. not sure if i fall asleep or did i just fainted as the next thing i know.. it's morning. and i was so sober. not even drunk. not even high//

she asked me something very random.. and i don't know why.. i actually replied her i regret, then she said she too, regretted. but... it can't change the fact that, now it's back to how it was.. but... sadly memories had been created. ):

the first wrong step i did in my life was to put my guard down to allow myself get hurt. after one, there would be more. but... i never learnt the first time. Although i've been trying to show my strongest side, deep down, it's tearing apart. it's somewhat tiring to let people think that, im ok when im not.

这份爱，已经让我遍低领伤。

I really cannot understand how people could give up so easily. 'cause i would want to learn how too. that pain is unbearable. unbearable. struggling to forget everything.. but.. it seems to be not working. sometimes, i would question myself, why would it even happen.

I thought that after she had done all this she would return to me but she did not, and her unfaithful sister Judah saw it. (Jeremiah 3:7)

ironically, i always tend to only open and read when ever i feel down or happy. which i guess it have been quite long.. and i don't know why.. although i did open the app in my phone to read but. it's not the same lurh.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it's wellspring of live. (Proverbs 4:23)

maybe, it's like what nat said, it means sth to me therefore.. im reading. not out of randomness. haha//

p/s: i know it's weird for a person like me to read the bible. but... i (used to) read i daily to the extent i can summarize some of the books in bible for some chapt. but those are the days that i still go for sermons and bible studies. ==" OK. i feel more and more weird that i feel that it isn't me.. -.-"

2012-01-05T06:58:00.000+08:00

Had a dream.

i can't rememeber everything that happen in that dream but i know that song was playing in my mind when i woke up with tears. WTF. first time ever in my life. i could never believe that dreams could make us tear.

funny that.. it was the song April, Sophia and I kept playing last year while we are in bkk..

been quite long since i played this song. I guess the last time i played it was.. last year count down in bkk. i remember there's fragments of images in my dream. but i couldn't remember what is in the dream

sometimes, i felt that.. i've been having this suicidal sleep. although this is rather normal for me in the past to sleep more then 15hours a day.. but this time... it stretched up to... more then 24 hours. i can sleept thru everything unless i have the intention to meet my sis or gfs. else... i wouldn't be awake.. very unhealthy. i don't know what is going on anymore. i'm mentally and emotionally drained. everything seems fine so fine like it used to. just that im not.

was thinking should i get back to nightlife to work the other day. yumiko called me a week back asking me if i want to work at 98. i think for a very long time. hesitated. and i did actually went down to have a look but.. i didn't give her any reply cause partly, it's like finally i get out of it and, I know at this state i would get drunk easier and faster then usual cause, of my intake of food. I had became so unhealthy. sometimes, one meal in two days would make me bloated and feel like puking. although i did gain back weight those days when i though im feeling better.. but.. it didn't last.

talked to Jessey yesterday. wanted to try to help J and her. but.. the more i hear the more i felt torn and despair.. to a point i stop talking to her even it's when i initiate that chat. That situation is almost like me and him, just that there's less complication. J told me it might be just used to it and not love anymore. it made me felt so sad when i heard it. almost what "S" told me. and i remember i broke down at home when that i recieve that very text. I still remember how painful was that stab. remember that, i even asked myself. was it that im used to it therefore i couldn't let go? thought for very long period of time. talked to wins (this was all before i felt that he's psychotic) about it before. in the end, i though im used to it as well for a few days.. i felt so much better and normal routine started to come back.

but... something happen which let me know, it's not because im used to his company. then everything just went back to starting point. He once said, if i don't know why did i love him this much in the first place, feelings would just go one day and we will just get hurt. but the problem is. this feeling never seems to go. how i hope i actually know why. other then the past mr nice that he was. i find no reason that i would love him this much.. sophia said i was obsess with him just few days back and she don't get it as well. neither could i. therefore i stated out both his positive and negative. and being realistic it would be impossible for me to be this obsess with him. being optimistic, there would be tons of reason. but.. im not a optimistic person. I'm a rather complicated person. i go with my own logics even if i know it might be wrong at times. I love reasoning to myself with all the negative points. therefore most of the times im not contented with what i had, i would envy others. but. end of the day, i am still glad. just that i never like to show it out. SO, I SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHY. ):

They said once you had your fun, you will slowly forget about the unhappiness and sorrows, but it did not happen to me.

They say, letting the person go and if that very person come back it would be a meant to be. but... us, it was never a meant to be. I used to tell myself, we will pull thru everything. when though i whine and bitch about things im not contented with. now.. i had to tell myself i must pull thru this. this emotional wreck, the guy i love, is dead. i remember i used to tell myself this. he's dead. and others would just tell me i would be better without him. but, sighh. im not better seeing everything, it's more like he's better off without me.

it's ironic when R actually contacted me few days back asking for a meet up. I no longer want to stay in contact with such person. even i know, i used to like him. that number 1022 which made me used to think that we are so fated.

2012-01-04T07:02:00.000+08:00

saw Nat fb and decided to read that chapt she posted which was psalm 23:4 since it've been quite sometime since i took my bible out..

Even i walk thru the valley of the shadow of deeath.
I fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me (NIV)

and i saw a photo hidden within pages of my bible. that happy faces that was being capture just simply let my emotions took over again. not that i never look thru those photo we used to take. just that. that particular photo trigger all my feelings out once more. days ago i feel better and i though it fade a bit. or im numb by it. but no. i guess i was lying to myself. i just doesn't want to admit it that. i still do love him.

i know im contradicting. everything just seems like yesterday when you and i, just met, just spoke, read the bible together giving each other verses, those happy textes.

that picture was somewhere at the book of James.. my eyes just eyed on this straight..

what causes fight and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? (James 4:1)

for a long moment. i paused. Just few days back, Jason and i was talking about the cell group we attended together 10 years back. cause belle started the topic by saying "jenny, bless me ok?" im like thinking, im not God or saint how do i bless you. she continued saying "but, you are a christian right?" a complete silence that moment before i said.. im a backslider. then i added, "Jason is also a christian right? brother"

Jason said straight in my face.. "No, I'm not" -______-||

Just moments ago i was just whining that sophia finally felt that she's in love and partly i felt happy. suddenly it just happen that i felt so crushed. so crushed. after all the bible, verse, songs, everything.

every words you said

everything you do

make my heart sings

2012-01-03T10:28:00.000+08:00

a pictures speak a thousand words.

That's the manager of phuture, at times, i would ask for lighter from him... cigg from him. -.-" what else.. force him to drink. and... heny was super funny... she actually tried to scare him. she called me telling me "ask mj they all come velvet lounge leh" while he was smoking beside her.. then.. LOL he quickly stop smoking and the next thing i know is he is at our table again. that's 2011.

this 2 are leftovers from mj birthday in sophia camera which she just uploaded..//

why am i stuck in sg? ): need a get away..

B is so funny. we actually went Jason place on 2nd day of new year. cus we met up since she's at west side. she called me since 8pm. due to taking care of sophia till morning that day. i couldn't wake up totally. slept all the way till 1am. and then i saw a miss call from unknown num. and it's her. -.-"so end up. she accompanied me to eat almost finishing she asked where are we going she's bored.. cant think of any place around this area at 3am.. so i text J he was on the way back and ask if wan drink, therefore we headed to J place. and she chose to drink vodka pear. and... ended she got drunk with it.. cus she said she've already been drinking since 8pm while waiting for me to call back. she seriously can nagg.

THATS HER WALKING in a very sehh way.

did a very cunning move.. i'm the one who drank up all mixer. =/ therefore the 5 cans of ginger-ale finish faster then expected.

im afraid to drink cause i hate dramas which i don't remember. and i hate the fact that trying so hard to stop thinking about you is even harder when im not sober.

+难道我这麼寄望有天可失忆找到转机+

+其实我很不快乐想躲进暗黑街角+

+泪尽可痛快地流落不知哪日会对爱再有感觉+

2012-01-02T00:24:00.022+08:00

ok. i cant handle it. i couldn't.

it's only day 1 of 2012 and i felt like dying trying to hide my sorrows. walk till my legs were so sore with yb, yt, ziling and kenny. and was somewhat force to take the ride G-max swing. but it just gotta broke down at that point of time. ):

then that woman, ziling, insisted to take the rocket. TT.TT i can die. cus. guy are suppose to sit in the middle due to the weight. both of us grab yb. HAHA! and cus im not used to holding people hands anymore.. so i pull his arm. and... at the mid air... i open my eye at the wrong timing. i was all facing down when i open. -.- and really i got so freak out i pull harder. LOL!! in the video it could be see that... yb hand is like mine. i pull till to the extend when we get down... he can't feel it. :/

then we head home after that. was so horrible that i need sleep badly. cause the day before... sophia was drunk, she called me to go over nvl to look for her while i was with sheena. so i went down. hoping she'd go home. after nvl. but. it's so bad. she insisted to go to mbs residents with shermaine. i got so pissed off actually when she told me, you can go home. i will go myself. -.-" WTH I WENT DOWN ALL THE WAY TO NVL and u tell me that so. serve me right that i can don't waste money at all. but u ask me down. then ask me home. i felt so stupid at that moment. everything dragged till 10am before we headed home.

then again. yest night when i was on the cab she called me using strangers number. i told her get a cab home. cause i knew sth lidat would happen. indeed it happen. weiliang and everyone(strangers) ASK ME DOWN CAUSE NO ONE COULD LOOK AFTER HER, they didn't even know why she was there. i was asking was sheena there.. maybe she can send her back... but sadly. sheena didn't go yest as well. we are all not there.

so. i got totally no choice, went back change to a slipper and get down and grab a cab. when i said that, im tired, i mean it. weiliang kept calling me to tell me he don't know where she ran to and... nice thing is.. she was barefooted. no one know where her heels is. i couldn't find as well. omgah. then we tried to take a cab. but the cab ended asking us down cus, she kept wanting to open the door and puke. T.T then we got no choice but to go down. then, it's not the end of it. she continue to puke all over and ask me to call this and that. and i don't know what for. ended up with zheng liang or what i dont remember la. which he said he would come down. ok. then she told me to wait but cus she said he will come down and send her home. im like WTF?! then why am i there. -.- then, again. she blabber dunno what. then kiat ann say he ride a bike. WTF?! so again im thinking why i went down and going to be there for nth? wasting my time and money?! i got so pissed off. really.

everyone should know im not working. i wouldn't want to waste money for nth. i didn't want to join her and the girls at i can't remember where because i know i will spend a bomb. i didn't want to. so i rather meet my gfs. and knowing my situation. no one would acknowledge me to go down. ziling even say i should jus throw my phone aside knowingly this wouldn't be a fast grab u and head home thing.

and she just reminded me how badly i was.. when i was still with him on the first day of the year. sighh

alex commented on my check-in to ask is that me...i think i freak out.. and started explaining. -.-" and i don't know why. ):

sorry. i rant too much.

2011-12-31T19:45:00.001+08:00

it's gone.. already... deleted..

noticed it just today.

I already expected this the day he told me with all the cold and hurting words. But im still being this affected. now i guess the little angels, the craft thing i made for i before was gone as well probably, u would stop coming here. Even if once in a while.

Past by quite a number of places yest when we was heading to airport for dinner with sheena before we head to marina mandrine lounge for some
Juice. Some memory seems so clear. How did i ended up loving when i didnt want to. Where was those days i used to jus party nonstop and get every gleams of happiness that i wanted? When did all just start to change?

Reflecting.

I still hold abit of hope.. Even when i said the meanness thing that one could. Even till now. Wtf i know.

Gone thru so much. But end up. Its not the ending i wanted.

2011 is ending in less then 3 hours. Months back when i was looking at the calendar i was grumbling in my blog that we can never spent xmas and new yr tgt.. Due to a agreement we had that we only meet on fri. But never would i know that... We would end up being apart. Apart to the extend of this.

Maybe love is not what u had for me. Love, never dies. It might be just an infatuation. I guess i should really stop looking at ur blog. Stop looking at updates from you. Stop looking that that photo of us. Stop ~~living.~~

2011-12-30T18:48:00.001+08:00

end of year is here once again. left 1 more day..

again im still having heartbreaks.
still wondering how long would everything heal and till everything fade. tired so much ways but still end up, the feelings are just there. I, don't want to end up like B.

many said as times goes, things would fade maybe to everyone which including him, but to me, i think, it just make sink in deeper. started to think of him more then usual. we didn't stay in contact like how we did last year, cause, i felt that there's nothing more for us to talk to. i guess, he agrees in a manner therefore, there's no more text. at times, i would look at my phone hoping that it's him, but none came. ):

i feel that wins has made me feel that he's abit of psychotic and i dare not tell him... the way he speaks is as though everything he think was right. nothing wrong. he judge as if he knows entirely about my family. he thinks he see thru the thoughts of almost everyone.. sometimes, i think, he think too much that lead him this way cause, i've been thru and listen to him of his sorrow for years. recently, whenever he speaks to me, i would even try to avoid as much as possible even i know that he might still stay in contact with S.

it's sometimes pretty scary when you feel like slitting yourself wanting that pain to numb yourself.. i ended up biting my finger joints like the past.

at times, i hope, tomorrow i ain't going to spent it in singapore. how i hope i'm elsewhere, so i know i couldn't do anything even if i miss him. but knowing i cant do anything even when we are an hour in distant feels awful. really. that kinda feeling is worst then last few years i had. it's like wanting to reach for something that you can never do it.

still thinking about what the f.teller words.. Idk.. You can't just get everything you want in life. Some stuff you just cant you have no choice isnt it? ):

2011-12-29T02:02:00.000+08:00

Hmmm they told me, you are following me. -.- i am really wondering is it true or not. GAH!

sometime back this year i went for a f.telling thing for fun. And they told me defiantly first will be a boy. Since i went for fun, i didn't take it to heart.

Recently things havent been going smoothly like how it should have been, again, we went to f.telling again this time was with name and birthdate. And there it goes freaking yt up. When that guy say, he saw him coming in with us. -.- wtf. I am sorta reluctant to believe but it's like you cant totally don't believe sorta thing but cannot believe as well.

why must everything crash down on me. just me? just what have i done to deserve all this? I haven't been really knowing what am i doing ever since that very day. fml.

2011-12-28T11:02:00.000+08:00

沒精力過的你們，又怎麼會了解

有時候，我真希望。。。

我不是我。

2011-12-27T23:11:00.000+08:00

headed to phuture on sunday. for mj early birthday celebration. horrible. i got so drunk and i fall down and injured myself. GAH! terribleee. belle promised to call me once she reach home. but. -.-" she went missing. and i called almost everyone who know her. cause i forget i didn't save her hse num the other time. GAH! then my phone died on me. -.-!

before i even start drinking and got wasted, heny called me during her break time. belle so cute she tot is my customer. ==" and i think i made heny walk to and fro from velvet to phuture.

I don't really remember what i had i rem i drank moet, sourplums, martel. only till sheena told me i even drank waterfall and alot more that i couldn't even remember. horrible. very horrible. the worst is i only remember fragments of that day. can no longer drink like how i used to be. untill i got everything emotions under control.. else i will be tearing the whole club into pieces.
I strongly believed that these are taken before we even drink:

aura girls (used to be except sophia)

recently, i would feel as though im dead. i started sleeping almost the whole day. and almost like i dont need any intake of food. very bad. although i would gain weight whenever i meet ah jie. -.-"

jie and mummy said that. monday morning. after my sunday club i went over and crashhh for awhile. cus i was so drunk i dun remember why as well. they said... i slp and keep twisting -.-!! i wonder why. they said i even suddenly look at them and said ops! GAH! i think i was dreaming.

(This img was grab somewhere in fb)

this kitty is so cute.
please.
can my deepest wish be fulfill?

2011-12-25T14:56:00.000+08:00

you.

and i know most has neutral stand. she told me about that, she was disappointed with why do you even think that she will wan to side anyone. things i wrote on that very entry is not merely just thoughts that i'm having, one might judge but according to her, those are most of what she told me during the "talk".which somewhat links to what you said to me. so i just match some of them together to get that picture. I had never once i thought that.. one could have more then 2 at once. i never even though you can do it. never. but.. i thought i know i always know. but. sometimes, it just ended up not what i think it is. like you used to 3, therefore breaking people vulnerable heart that they just decided never to care about it once you asked for a break up and stuff. so it lead me thinking since you could hid so well. which i never suspect before, since when did she came about. to me it probably somewhere i didn't know. shocked? im pretty much shocked at most of the stuff i heard.

Yes, i felt that it might have to do with someone else that might caught your attention. but i didn't mention that the parting of us, was because of that (if i did, i would just not bother about you entirely but, i did not). i never will know weather, how long that has happen and stuff. but i too don't know how things turn into that way. like everyone says people does change, although i said that everything would change, people, character and stuff, but there's something that wouldn't change which is most prob the feelings i had. so.. i have no idea if what are you thinking since you stop telling me since quite sometime back. plus it never occur to me you are like this. or you will turn out being this way.

and no, i didn't need any pity. i rather all parties are neutral. but. sadly. i heard that you said something like "even her friends are siding me" im ok with people who side you. cause it was the fact that everyone would feel so since i was like that last year. but even if my friends side you in a way, you don't have to boost about it.

so having such things i heard about, which is false about it? having this say think in my shoes and which is untrue the brain would lead on to think that way about some stuff in the entry? there's much more you didn't know and i wouldn't just post here since i felt that, there is a certain sensitivity to some issues. i wouldn't believe entirely what i heard since that's what i head and i know to a certain extend that some part might be exaggerated K told me a lot about her before. and for some reason, i miss S (not you, but someone used to be close to you, i think?) because of this. and merry xmas to you.

2011-12-24T13:04:00.001+08:00

Headed to aura last night with belle. Was so unlucky. Walked out to take a train and halfway. -.-; it have to rain. Theres this china passerby was so nice to shelter me all the way to station. Then worst thing ever happen my heels have to broke right when i reach station and train was just there. Zzz called belle while changing from my torn heels to boots. -.- brought along my boots cus i Was intending to work initially. Hesitating though.

Ended up. I didnt work. I think im not used to working anymore cus i stopped too long. Very funny. They cant stop laughing cus i told them my heels broke. Damn suay. ):

Then after drking. Belle was soo high initially till she look at me eat my breakfast cus i haven eat much yest. I had sandwich in the noon but i puke everything out.. We talked so much la. I think for 2 hrs nonstop. -.-;; some stuff its really so hurting. Really. Till now i feel so lost. ): sometimes i wonder why can i have the mentality of any issue related to money isnt impt. But... Sometimes being realistic is like a better choice. So you will not get hurt. But im already stuck in here. Unescapable. ): i think i could even give up everything i have.

He said his ex, would just let him go after break. Now i understand why. Cause theres other people(s) involve.i feel so weak and dumb that i couldnt be like them. Heard that he said some of my friends are siding him as well. But i believe not everything entire has been told. I feel so upset when i know that he wants people to choose a side. Its almost like a war. Which i didnt even want it.

There's sometimes deep down i hope when he get high or what would text me like how i always used to. They say
The non-sober person is always the truthful.. But it always never happen. Now.. Its even more impossible.

Sometimes i feel that God (if theres any) is playing with me.

2011-12-23T01:01:00.000+08:00

should i talk to my dad about it?

i seriously don't know.

im still very very pissed off with what have happening within my home. it's so complicated that. there's no way to solve things. my dad is so exhausted that. im hearing his snore even when im at the corridor. ~.~ felt like jus quitting my studies now. and get a job with income. and try to help. but... i went thru all this shits. and got thru. if i give up now. isn't it abit... wasted? sighh.

):

read up the law and. T.T i get headache whenever i do so. it's not really that hard. but.. my situation is too complicated, then anyone could thought of.

+真正為你心有獨鍾+
+因為有你世界變不同+
+笑我太傻太懵懂　或愛得太重+
+只為相信我自己　能永遠對你心獨鍾+

2011-12-22T04:31:00.000+08:00

It's never going to be what i want or what you want.

It's going to be what is going on.

puzzled?

im. very.

Whenever we talk about "R" sometimes, i feel that, im another version of him. at times the situations seems very much alike. that im scare of myself.

Too much thing happen just in one day. i cannot adapt to every single thing yet. why tell me at such time?

OH YA!

this would be a very very harsh post and i need no comments really. cause this is my life. and i don't need people coming to tell me what i do or say is wrong when they don't know hells that i've been thru unless you think you know my life well. i sympathize people who are alright not that i have no consciousness. BUT REALLY. i dont pity people who commit their sins and then treat as though nothing is wrong. and demand for more.

not that i don't want to bother or anything. I JUST CANT DO ANYTHING! there's nothing i could do to help, so i think why not you just stfu and then help whatever you could cause, you are giving me headache that i can't handle. really. call her or what go ahead don't ask me for opinion and suggestion cause i don't fucking bother about that bitch who give birth to me and i don't wan have anything to do with her. im happy without her in my life. tyvm.

some may say im cruel, inhuman and stuff for being this way. but i really had enough of her. esp her abusing. i can no longer tolerate such nonsense. if im wanted, then you wouldn't be abusing me for 1/3 of my life till now. and i dont even least pity her. no point pitying someone who screw up your childhood, your life, the happiness that is once there.

for some reasons, i always know what i want in my life. but. everything has been in a mess ever since that heartbreak i got years back. although i recovered from it. but i haven't really fix my life back to how it supposed to be and that im so lost at what am i doing in my life. i dont even know what's there for me to stay here when i would jus turn my back and leave.

if one day, i really choose to leave. that would means that. i really am at my wits end with no choice. don't say that choice are something we can choose. because in my life, it doesn't leave me with any alternative choices. and if that day really happen i hope someone would print this entry and sent to her.

TO WAKE HER UP AND LET HER KNOW WHAT SHE HAS BEEN CAUSING TO HER OWN CHILD. numerous of times i lodge the report of abusing. but. i didn't take action as i didn't want to go thru court. firstly. as a child i have insufficient funds (especially she took my allowance my dad given both of us and told me my dad didn't give any for me and i worked she even could took my money from my wallet and left me with nothing inside.) let alone to get someone to SUE HER AND GET HER TO COMPENSATE ME.

I've never like my life since the age of 7. dont even wanna remember what i've been thru after my step-sis left. AND I HOPE YOU HAVE GUILT ALL YOUR REMAINING OF YOUR LIFE. stop coming to screw people life. go screw your own life, since yours is already so SCREWED UP. BITCH.