Love, Peace... And All That Jazz...

A Rant That Sums Up My Blogger Absence

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 20:54:00 +0000

It feels pathetic to keep blogging about the same guy, over and over again, especially years after we ended and even though there have been other people since, in both our lives. That is not to suggest that I am even remotely a part of his life anymore. It is simply about the fact that we lived in this house together, the house I currently live in alone. I picked out so much of the furniture based on what we ‘our’ preferences and tastes, it is so much a reflection of who I was back then, and who we were together. Although that has very little to do with the person I’ve evolved into being since, little things like watching a movie in my bedroom and glancing over my shoulder into an empty spot make me miss who I was, and what we had. Now especially, I have the last thing he said to me haunting me, echoing in my ears... he told me that me breaking up with him was the best thing that ever happened to him. Apparently it led to him appreciating his life and self worth ... or some shit of that sort. I know should be happy for him and I am, the part of me that struggled so much to make him the amazing guy I knew he could be is thrilled for him, so happy that he is finally turning into the man I knew he always was inside. I struggle to understand why it bothers me so much as of recently... is it because I’m single now? But I’ve been single for a while. Even if there was someone else, I have been mostly single, and remain commitment phobic. I guess it’s because the part of me that always longed to see him turn into that guy, the part of me that was the loving girlfriend seeking what she deserved in return.. that part of me is, truth be told, furious. I know that its selfish and stupid and believe me, I know there were very real reasons as to why I broke up with him and why I refused on so many occasions to take him back. I don’t think I even want to be back with him, deep down inside I don’t think if I had the chance that it would even work out because I am truly beyond trusting him and forgiving him in that way... but I finally see him becoming that amazing guy... and I don’t feel like it’s the actions of an addict trying to act normal, but a guy finally in recovery... and I know this is not about me anymore, this is his life and god it is so beyond selfish but... everytime I see the two of them or even hear his voice, or see him (which I was so praying wouldn’t happen but Male’ is such a godforsaken small little trap)... I end up feeling so cheated, of my time and my love, because I poured in so much of myself into that relationship... and I got zilch in return. We had a good year maybe... and we had some wonderful times and memories... but by the time it ended... it was almost enough to forget that... I don’t think I could ever give myself to anyone like that again... and I think that makes me angriest of all... that he robbed me of that.
For some time, I felt like a friend who came into the picture, we apparently had feelings for each other, well I definitely did, but he regardless did not want to commit... well I felt like he broke the last strand of me... but looking back now, all I felt then was residual anger from this previous relationship. I had known what I had with this guy was temporary and it was just anger left over that poured into it, anger that I had not dealt with because I’d jumped into this distraction so soon. My friends don’t understand why I forgave this guy, but it is only because he is, for all sakes and purposes irrelevant. I just sort of expected him to replace this epic relationship I’d had with this other guy and felt something that wasn’t even real so I have no anger here.
Only in the man that broke my heart a year ago. And only because this last relationship made me realise that I would never be able to love anyone like that again... atleast not for a very very long time. And that it what I got from my relationship with him, while he was busy healing from his scars... I was busy realising I was scarred almost beyond repair. I whine I whine I whine some more I know... but come on, you gotta appreciate here the sadistic irony that is my life.
Damn it feels good to let that all loose here! I've forgotten how therauputic this thing is..

Hands In The Air

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 14:04:00 +0000

I've always been obsessed with control. Controlling my life the best I can, controlling my reactions, controlling the outcomes... and of course, I have long since discovered that control itself is simply a myth.
We cannot control anything that happens in life. It seems easy to say, and I say it, just as many have told me the very same - but that does not mean a teensy weensy part of me doesn't look for the exception, doesn't try to defy the theorem.
Today, or the date itself, is of absolutely no significance to me. Nevertheless, today sitting by my pool with a pack of smokes and a couple of cokes I finally sat up straight, took a deep breath and metaphorically 'threw my hands into the air".
I tried self destruction, and that was no way to live. I tried locking myself into the little jail we call social acceptability and found that wasn't exactly control either. True peace is only achievable by recognizing that we have no control. Almost every post on this blog over the years has been about seeking some sort of control and balance in life.
But life is not meant to be balanced. It is not meant to be good or bad, life is only meant to be lived. And to live, we need to let go. I need to let go of the anger I feel for myself, for the disappointments I've caused, the unfairness and heartache I've experienced. I need to let go of the deep pain I've been caused and I've suffered throughout my life. I need to let go of the memories I hold dear as well and the people and things that I love, and just open my arms to the great 'whatever and beyond' :P.
I wish I could say, letting go meant that a great wave of happiness burst through me, or that I felt a great sense of relief as though a great burden had been lifted off me. I wish I could say I felt like I had discovered a great 'secret' or answer but the truth is, it was a merely fleeting thought that I somehow brought to surface. It wasn't like click click, enter let go, transfer successful.
It seems like the quiet beginning of something barely noticeable to anyone else. I want to celebrate and live my life, but it will be of no real significance to anyone but myself. And that's okay, because I'm letting go of everything else.

The little red bar on the light switch...

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 21:56:00 +0000

Hey, it looks like I'm back. In full force ranting. Well, maybe not, but reflecting at least.... Something eh?

I dream too much. I dream like, a lot. The thing about dreams though, is that they are dreams for a reason. The original human lie. Hope, wishes, fairness, karma. Fuck that. Life is a series of random shit happening for no apparent reason and I just happen to be one of the unfortunate fools who get the bitter end of the deal, when it comes to what I want.

But I'm just one like the other billion nothing special. My problems aren't unique or new or particularly bad. They are just problems... like everyone's got problems. Shit happens.

I know most of you are either ranting or suppressing a massive loud 'DUH!' but hey, it's good to say it out loud. Remind yourself you are insignificant in the grand schemes of the universe. Why? Because it reminds you that if you choose to jump off a cliff then you are nothing but a statistic. You can choose to live a mundane life, you're nothing but a statistic. You can choose to be a success and ironically you're still stats, albeit associated with numbers that can be interpreted in a more positive manner :P.

Paint a gloomier picture eh? It's not all bad, it just serves to prove that since whether you succeed or fail it doesn't really matter and time erases any trace of that anyway, you might as well live to be happy. Live for the little things that make you smile, make your heart race, make your insides melt, make you laugh like a 5 year old...

Study, if it makes you happy. Love, if it makes you happy. Leave home, if that will make you happy. Have kids, if you think it'll make you happy, although here, might be wise to wonder if you could make them happy. Travel, if it makes you happy. Heck, get stoned if thats they only way you're happpy, although if thats the case, I feel a little sorry for you. What's more important is what not to do anyway. Case in point, don't - spend your time making someone happy when its making you miserable most of the time. Don't be nice if it makes you wanna shoot yourself. Sometimes, being an ass is in order. Simply 'surviving' through life is a truly pathetic way to live. (This sentence hopefully evokes some sense into a adorable but sometimes idiotic friend of mine ;))

I'm gonna try living with this somewhat selfish mantra. I've been twiddling with the idea for a while, but it was my bestie who pretty much flicked on the light. He's right. I might be trying, but certainly haven't been investing in the right stuff. I have serious weaknesses, and I know them and while indulging them may be easier, the truth is that it's not worth it, and it will never truly make me happy. And it's time I stopped being a wuss and faced up to that.

Even fun has an expiry date. When its time to move on, its time to move on.

The Problem With My Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 17:28:00 +0000

I know why I haven't really been blogging. Lots of people who matter to me know that this is my blog now... they can access my feelings and thoughts... I suppose in 2005, when I started blogging, and when I was much younger and such – well then, it didn't seem like too much of a big deal. My blog served as my space to justify my actions, explain myself... try to discover more, but exploring depths...

I'm older, not that much wiser, but life has changed nevertheless. Now I write and I feel myself withdrawing from my own writing... I don't want to express my innermost thoughts... so I scrape at the surfaces, with silly thoughts and problems... I feel no need to justify or express myself... my thoughts are more private, and my hopes and dreams... feels like I'm almost jinxing them if I talk about them here...

To me my blog has always been a very personal thing, close to my heart ...somehow it's become something I just maintain for the sake of it... a contradiction of sorts.

Maybe it's high time I stopped blogging. I don't know. I'm seriously thinking about it. I'm not the type of person who can simply write about an Iphone or storybook... I like to talk about thoughts and experiences and if I no longer feel comfortable doing that, perhaps my blog has outlived its usefulness... I'm going to try just sticking to stories... or something...

And I’ve been thinking...

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 20:03:00 +0000

First off, I apologise to no one and every one in general on the succession of sappy, cheesy, love sick blogs I've been posting lately.. and well... mostly..

I'm sorry, but I got to write what's been buzzing in my head right?

Anyway, I got to thinking, after an intense convo with one of my most beloved girlfriends... (yeah, that does serve as a warning about the content to follow.. press the X button while you can:P)

I got to thinking... about what a sucker I am for epic love stories... and I've said this before.. and I don't mean like a pathetic mills and boons novel..

(How does one call that garbage of literature a novel I don't know, it breaks my heart every single time)

Not like a tween flick (think Twilight : Yeah, NOT that)... Or any sappy, cheesy nonsense movie on sale... in theatres...

But classic, epic love stories, especially those that are true and told by one or two of the main protagonists... I'm a complete sucker for those...

I beg happy couples for their stories: how did they meet, how did they fall in love, what happened next...

Anyway, mid convo discussing an old story, you know what strikes me?

That I've never been part of one, not even a high school one....

It's like everyone I know (practically) has had that epic off and on romance where even afterwards people refer to them as 'Oh you mean A's B?' Or like 'Sure I know him, you mean B's A, right?'

Get me? On and off, with a shitload of drama and serious FEELINGS and major heartbreak.... passionate... and kinda crazy...

Even if they eventually end up marrying someone else... everyone has one of these stories... where there is a tragic (or not) huge romance...

And it occurs to me... I'm THAT girl... I'm the one everyone has before or after they meet this person... the transition girl...

How sad is that yea? Ironic in a sort of awful way too... I have enough and more tiny tragedies.... but romance? Not so much.

But hey, I guess at some level I ask for it... I have this thing for damaged goods :P I've been told my strength in writing lies in stories that follow this vein too...

There is no real point to this post... just a little obsession I'm having... crazy couples, and crazy stories, crazy feelings and awesome memories... they say you need to really live life to write about it... ;)

I guess I've sort of been trying that out... I guess we'll see where it ends... If I don't fall back into the pressures of a normal life;)

Welcome To My Pity Party. VIP’s Only!

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 12:28:00 +0000

I'm a bitch, I know .

I can't help it.

I know it was atleast 90% my own doing and my choice and all that, and I do realise we had some very real issues that were never going away and that in the long run it was the right thing to do.

I know that.

I don't regret it, I really don't and I would do it again.

BUT…

I really hate that it took him less than three months to forget about around 2 years of memories.

I hate that it was so easy to move on.

I hate that he does it so well.

More than that, I hate that he's happy.

Nah, I want him to be happy. Really I do. I just… wish it wasn't so fast and so simple for him.

Or I wish it was easier and simpler for me.

Meanwhile I'm stuck here, somewhere between the end, and stepping forward to a beginning.

I'm stuck in a rut… and I really wish I weren't.

Add to the beginning: I'm pathetic, I know.

*crumples up imaginary piece of paper with this written and chucks it into the dustbin*

Nah, life's not all bad. In fact its better than its been in weeks. I'm content, I have time for family which is great, I have the best friends in the world and I have mended ties with a lot of them.

I'm taking a holiday this week to a place I haven't been to yet, and it's by myself and I'm meeting some friends I adore.

So yeah. All's well… I just have my moments, you know? When just for a second, you stumble on to the facebook page that you dread. And for a second .. or as long as it took to write this piece of garbage…

I indulge in feeling a little sorry for myself. And wishing life was just lacking in emotions in general.

It's also a sorry attempt to return to blogging A-gain! :P But anyway.. for those of you who haven't heard about it yet, I thought Clash of Titans wasn't great but far more entertaining than Alice In Wonderland which somehow saw the sorrier points of Johnny Depp and Tim Burton's careers… and Date Night is the funniest movie thus far this year. And that's my two cents.

Adieu ;)

The Dhivehi Thing

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 14:25:00 +0000

I grew up in various places, true... but I was confronted with my Maldivian upbringing a couple of days back, in a rather weird manner. I mean, I hadn't ever considered myself typical, in the sense that our generation has had various benefits that lessen culture shock, you know the worlds a smaller place now, global community blah blah blah...you get what I'm talking about dontcha?
If you don't, then feel free to crawl back under whichever rock that you obviously didn't really mean to navigate away from.
Anyway, I was having a conversation with some friends recently and the topic somehow wavered to the shock and horror that someone they knew had gotten married to some one 50 years older, as a second wife. And, was playing stepmother to people her own age.
SHOCK. HORROR.
At least that's what they expected from me. Probably because I often have strong opinions on people's rights and certain aspects of morality and what not.
Unfortunately for them, I sat there, rather indifferent to their story, waiting for the punchline. Apparently that WAS the punchline.
But after you grow up in Male' , that isn't even a remotely interesting story at all.
I followed their brief expectant silence with 'So?' to only be bombarded with accusations of agreeing with that lifestyle and women's rights and was even accused of being a chauvinist. I mean, really? *cocks an eyebrow*
During this rather boring tirade, I reflected on how much a 'Maldivian' this reaction made me. I mean, I have a million and a half of those stories in my own family... why would this be a big deal to me? And even more than that, I can imagine how much an event could take place, how it needn't necessarily be a gold digger story, to the event that it would be... and how that would affect the family. It really isn't a point of judgment for me any more.
Why is polygamy such a big No No for westerners.. its the equivalent of a Muslim unmarried couple living together (in terms of our world anyway) I mean... So? If they can be so very open minded about everything else, why won't they consider the possibility of that being a successful relationship?
DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME... I am NOT an advocate for polygamy at all. That said, I CAN accept it as readily as I can accept people living together, having sex and partying hard... its a life choice, and it is not necessarily some sort of sick thing. How is it possible to accept the concept of a ménage à trois and condemn a polygamous marriage? Again, not that it is the same thing, but certainly it is strange, no? Neither is a typical, yet one is judged far more harshly.
Perhaps it all comes down to slamming everything even close to Saudi Arabian culture. In which case, I'd like to point out that that is not where this social construct originates from, nor is it the only society in which it could be found. To suggest a more recent example, the common situation in Victorian England where there would be the wife, the husband and the mistress in full awareness of each other. It is more or less the same thing, as the husband usually had full lives with each other, often procreating with the mistress as well. And you'd still see this happening today, isn't it?
Anyway, I'm going into far more detail than I intended. Basically just another western hypocrisy.
All I have to say to my friends is.. *yawn*... I've heard it all :P I'm a Maldivian, I DARE you to come up with a social construct I haven't seen. :p Other than, a normal functional family that is ;)

What's lurking behind my 'grin mask' tonight...

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 22:03:00 +0000

I know I seem Emo these days but its not really like that mostly I'm happy happy happy, grinning and acting the cartoon that I am... but I guess I keep doing that coz I dont want to stop and find tears streaming down my face... and I turn to my blog in those uncontrollable moments... :/
My birthday is almost here... and people keep telling me what a milestone it supposedly is... I guess its true... it does mean something, as I'm back to square one... Barely begun new degree... Single... Housemateless basically - or almost so...Everyones leaving KL ! And to top it off half my friends are married/committed or having babies!
But the worst part comes from home... I mean I have a wonderful mother, and mother figures too (you know who you are!), wonderful siblings...an adorable baby sister and baby brother make my world seem worth all the bull that surrounds it.. and all that... but I guess it keeps bugging me that some one who matters a lot... doesn't really care.
And I just have to get it off my chest tonight... So bear with me? Hehe...
Its been so many years... I've done everything I can to make up for my mistakes... but honestly, better than anyone you should know me better, there are things I've done... and then there are the things you think I'm responsible for... What some one says... but you dont consider why they bother saying so, could it be because the name is more interesting than the person or the alleged circumstance?
You're so quick to judge me... to condemn me... as a teenager I thought perhaps...perhaps at this age.. this time in the then future, we'd have come to a common ground... and I thought we might have ... but if I've ever had the doubt now I'm sure.. that I would never have the place in your life I have always wanted.. I don't want your money, I'd throw it all away just for you to look at me like I was a person in your eyes.. like I mattered to you... I waste a lot of what you give because to me, it feels like a bandaid to what I should be receiving from you... You don't know how hard it is for me to handle certain things to do with Mom and everything else.. you should be helping me.. not accusing me... you should be wiping my tears and encouraging me.. not reminding me of how stupid and worthless you think I am.. It is more painful than a slap on my face, to be on the receiving end of your words.. As an adult, I recognize that no child should have had to hear those words.. particularly from someone they so adored..
I know now, what I was never ready to accept...that I'm never really going to be a daughter again in your eyes. But I don't know what my real crime was... I've made mistakes I know, but I was a girl growing up in a really really difficult situation, and a difficult child I'm sure... but you look at me like I'm made of nothing good, and I know.. I know I'm not that bad. I have siblings who love me, friends who respect me, and a mother who adores me.. I'm a better daughter than you give me credit for...
So what am I harping about?
We fight.. over the stupidest things. But I don't mean to piss you off.. I really don't.. And then you are and then you aren't and I haven't a clue most of the time.. you'd treat me like an adult, which you did most of my life anyway.. and then you'd be angry at the most mundane thing... Its not just in my head.. I've seen you with my siblings.. and I've seen other fathers.. I'm an adult now, I can see what parental love is far clearer than I could have then... I just can't understand how some one could do/say some of the things you have said/done if they truly loved them... no matter what the circumstances , and lord, I've seen so much worse things than anything I've come close to being..
You know whats sad is that if I said this to you, you'd laugh in my face and call me stupid, emotional like my mother... or something equally cruel.. and...
Because the world is such a horrible screwed up place... I still wish you loved me.
And as pathetic as this sounds both in my head and as I type the words, If I could have a wish for my birthday I'd wish you could finally lose that hatred you have in your eyes even just for a moment. And I should be grateful, so grateful for all that you've given me I know... I know... But I'd so much rather just be your daughter again.

Don't ...

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 16:38:00 +0000

Don’t cry to me if all you’re going to do is pull away.
Don’t tell me you love me just to leave me the next day.
Don’t treat me like my feelings don’t matter.
Don’t insult my intelligence by making promises you couldn’t adhere to if you tried. Don’t pretend to give me your heart if it’s empty.....

Just leave me alone....

Wait, don’t go....

Perfect Imperfection

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:24:00 +0000

I don’t know what people see when they look at me, but I remember even as a child always wondering what I look like to them. I don’t know what they hear when they listen to me, but I’ve often wished I could hear their thoughts. I’ve wondered what someone felt when they touched me, but I suppose in that department all you can really do is hope for the best.
I’m not sure whether it’s ironically funny or simply tragic that the times in which I have actually glimpsed into these thoughts, images and feelings that I typically end up wishing I could go back to being clueless. Suffice to say it adds to the already mounting evidence at least with respect to my life, indicating that ignorance truly is bliss.
So what does it mean when the people you perceive to know you the best disappoint you, hurt you or worse, leave you? You could argue their faults and the cracks you’ve seen in their souls but simple, pure logic and practicality would point to the one true possibility. That the true flaw lies in you.

When the fury takes reign...

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 19:11:00 +0000

Everybody thinks they know what’s best for me all the fucking time.
I should be grateful so many people actually care about me. Supposedly.
I should be happy that I’m not with some one who argues with me and tells me I’m wrong. Apparently.
But the truth is my chest hurts so much I can hardly breathe sometimes. Despite what you may think, for better or for worse, separating or attempting to do so from someone you loved deeply for a long time is incredibly difficult.
I’ve made terrible decisions in my life, I know, but I’ve seen a lot more and a lot worse than most of the people who claim to be giving me advice. So spare me the lectures and be prepared to respect what ever the hell I choose to do, whether you like it or not, whether it benefits you or not, if you care about me as much as you claim to.
Granted what people say to me often has the grain of truth but most are blind to the big picture.
People have so much prejudice and so many preconceived notions about life and other people they have trouble even beginning to understand why I make the decisions I do.
First I thought it was simply me being stupid, me being a victim and being lost but the truth is, although I needed the break and space the reasons for my doubt is not any of the above.
Dammit, I am a strong, independent, intelligent woman. I am stubborn, hard assed and unforgiving. I’m a bitch and I’m sensitive. I’m so far from perfect, have contradicting aspects to my personality but for the most part I know who I am and what I want from my life. I certainly know what I don’t want.
People think that I make mistakes because I’m weak and stupid, sometimes they say that I simply follow someone else’s opinion but that’s not always the case. I’ve never had much use for certain sentimentalities and I’ve associated with people for my benefits for example I have spent time around people who do not intimidate me because I needed not to be challenged. Sometimes I’ve been around people who I see as my equals because I needed insight. It’s actually not as evil or unusual as it seems, we all do it though we don’t admit it.
Coming back to my point, I made a decision recently and I am sick of people either offering sympathy or congratulations. I don’t need or want any ones pity especially for a task I undertook for my own sake.
I find congratulations downright insulting. How dare you say it’s for the best? How dare you say he wasn’t worth it? I was with someone for two years – that is incredibly insulting to my judgement and principles. He was worth it. Just because I need time off is not for any one else to judge who he is… he is and was a wonderful guy. He is intelligent and capable – to everyone who is comparing him and making judgements - fuck off.
Only he and I know what happened in our relationship. Only we are allowed to make judgements. We had ups and downs – screw everyone who says they are “so happy” … if you are happy all the time you stepford fuckers, you are clearly not in a relationship. Granted we had a lot of downs, but we are very, very different people. Reaching a breaking point is not unimaginable or for that matter, unexpected.
Someone once told me I chose men as projects to fix… perhaps… perhaps they are often very flawed to the outside world. Usually they don’t have expensive cars, or unblemished pasts… I’ve never dated anyone from an aristocratic (for lack of a better word) family. I’ve been judged because of the people I’ve been with. Frankly I don’t care… I really don’t. It’s having a good heart, and caring about me that I was looking for.
I refuse to be judged for dating a certain number of people or a certain “type”. I have cared for and been cared about and if it doesn’t work in the long run then that’s fine. I’m not an easy person to be with, I’m sure – and I naturally gravitate to people who are as defined or independent or individualistic. And those are not necessarily the same trait. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that situations like these aren’t the easiest to follow through…
I will make my own decisions and as they say unless you have something nice to say, keep your trap shut. I do appreciate that some people have held the worst of their opinions to themselves and have just reassured me that they would be behind me whatever I did and offered advice to whatever scenario I was considering at the time. You are entitled to your opinions; you are not required to express them.
And please be as respectful to the other party as you are trying (apparently) to be to me. Whether or not the other party insults me or disagrees with me, or contacts me is my problem, and I expect any one claiming to be on my side (what the fuck is a “side” anyway?) to appreciate my philosophy on these matters.
My relationship, my breakup, my ex or whatever… my decision… whether it is to remain so or reinstate matters… Pressure is all on me, that’s fine.
Nevertheless… I have no yearning to be married… I’m young and have a lifetime (Insha Allah) ahead and thus I do not think that waiting, watching, searching, uniting, and reuniting are in any way a bad thing. If certain people do not approve of my decisions… then fine, screw you.
This is my life I’m leading and I sure as hell aint stopping to please you.

Its been a long, long time... and I've missed you...

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 13:01:00 +0000

Ola, by-now-non existent-readers... como estas?
It's been a long time since I've indulged in a little blogging... truth be told I havent missed the blogosphere much... when I was last here, it was getting polluted with all sorts of new energies... mostly negative sorts that were so pissy with each other and I don't know... it wasn't such a great vibe...
And, I have been busy.. with real life... LOL ... I'm not big on social networking of any sort on cyberspace anymore... It used to be fun to share and read up on cool people... now its congested with a lot of lame things that I don't have the patience for.
Maybe I've out grown teenage agnst.. no more tantrums... no more passion.. no more heart wrenching pain over life in general... life's not improved by much if you ask me... the worlds still an evil place... I just dont give that much of a shit... nor am I (ever) suprised.
So why the fuck am I back here? Well, I have only two university classes per week now.. (yes yes, the miniscule but wonderous upgrades that come with age)... so I have a lot more free time... and I'm living alone now so... that adds to my boredom...
Any hoo... shout outs to my new addictions (yeah, you dont outgrow certain things) my lovely large HD flatscreen TV --- I LOVE YOU!! and watching TrueBlood is so awesome cause of it...
Si, *blush* I also am a sorry ass victim to the rising vampire rage (although honestly I've always had a big thing for vamps and supernatural shit in general) ... I think Rob Patterson is so hot, I have a strange desire for Robsten to happen (ie. for RobPatz and Kristin Stewart to admit they are dating) but I think Twilight is somewhat lame... (DONT KILL ME - you gotta admit... virgin for 200 years and sparkling vampires with no fangs is a little silly...but the author is mormon so no big shock there)
Musically 'Kings Of Leon' is dominating my playlist.. yes, I have been living under a rock and just discovered 'em...
And well... I'll probably post more often now... Adios!

At Gunpoint...

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 11:17:00 +0000

So, all thanks to my zany cousin and her finger gun poking into the side of my head - combined with the powers of incredible boredom.... I just got to thinking, if some freaky dude held a 10mm pistol to my head and asked me to blog... (lol, assuming there was someone who wanted to read my blog that bad - HEY!, my imagination here!)

Sigh... so what the fuck would I write. LOL... the feeling of cold metal against my forehead... despite the coolness, I felt heat gathering up to the round empty space, like all the warmth in my body had generated to that very spot, through which a sentence to death could be delivered...
I wonder if I would continue to write, or if I would succumb to the temptation of ending my life... ending all my problems, ending the complications I've caused to anyone else...
Maybe my last words would be apology, and asking for forgiveness, from everyone I've hurt... intentionally or not... would I be granted that forgiveness, or would they resent me, for not earning the right to be forgiven... for not living through the pain... or would they feel sorry for me for not having a choice? But I had one, didnt I?
Maybe I'd tell the people I loved, how much I cared about them... but if I truly loved them, would I have given in? Maybe I'd just write a whole load of crap, and get killed anyway... wouldn't that be a shame... I'd want my last words to be prolific in some way... or you know, atleast reflective of my views in life... some sort of depth...
What if your last words were a curse, or a pathetic plea for help... I'd kill myself if I wasnt dead already! Man.. :P ... seriously not the way you'd like to be remembered eh?
Then there's the other thing, say you end up being killed, yeah? Who will remember you? Did you affect anyones life so deeply that they rememeber you long after you are gone? Everyone feels an amount of pain and overwhelming sadness when someone close passes away, but we move on.. we learn to move on.. and we forget most of it ... how their laugh sounds... what made them scared...
Who'd come to your funeral... not out of obligation, or as a show to make a spectacle of themselves, but out of pure love, who would come to say goodbye... does a friend who holds a grudge come to touch your hand and let all the pain disappear... or do they simply treat it as they would any other day?
All we do know for sure is that we come into this world alone, and we leave this life as we came - alone... no lovers, no family, no friends, no posessions, no degrees or achievements... just our memories, who we've shaped to be, not physically, but internally, our souls...
But I wonder, is that all there is to it? To life, and death? Seems pointless to keep living if there is nothing to it... right?
I think if the last words I'd ever write or atleast under the threat of them being the last words I ever write would be... well clearly I cant completely emulate the situation, but they'd have to be something about living life to the fullest, living every moment to the maximum of what it could be, to love and keep loving boundlessly, to forgive and forget and move past because if my life, comes to the point where the last thing someone forces me to do is to write and publish a blog - clearly, I need to get a life. A real one.

As I here blog...

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Happy late new year peeps!
And, happy belated birthday to me...
Not that birthdays matter after you hit the two's...
:P
I'm not under some false presumption that there is any one out there actually anticipating this posting, but what the hell.... I've gone from over zealous plastic doll to anti social, UV deprived geek in the matter of a few years... and yes, this is what I'm contemplating on this fine day.
Just finished watching Veronica Mars - the marathon :P , season one, two to three... which is fantastic but honestly, listen to the message boards when they all bitch aboout the crappy ending of the finale (3rd season), I wasn't prepared for the weight of the disappointment. Still, I hear there are rumors about a movie this 2009, so hopefully my obsession can be peacefully laid to rest by then. But seriously, its witty ( I know all the box sets have this particular word outside but, honestly from someone who considers literature her primary passion in life - its great dialogue, smart and sharp - worth watching the whole thing although it does sort of disintegrate to the end...(by end I mean mid way third season) BAH! I need to learn how to deliver a concise message (NEW YEAR RESOLUTION - DONT BORE EVERYONE WITH YOUR ENDLESS CRAP!!!) - so in a nutshell, it's fab and catch it (Veronica Mars 1,2,3) if you can!
I'm about to begin Dexter, which is recommended by my childhood bestie, with whom flew to KL - by sheer twist of fate, after years of having no contact... and I'm hoping it (the series)wont disappoint...
In less interesting news... My new apartment is almost finished, I reconciled with a beloved aunt, and erm... my second chance at a Uni education (have ditched legal edu woes in pursuit of the more promising media career)... Am enjoying to no end annoying my cousin and aunt... but am secretly homesick for mummy... (what??? I have grown accustomed to her presence in my homeless period)
Am also seriously missing the charms of my chatterbox (yes, she does follow in the footsteps of, none other than, yours truly *cue for bow*)
[[ OFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK FOR TODAY - I CAN HEAR THE BELLS / MIKE DOUGHT : Also one background to one of my fav scenes on Vmars series...]]

Recent Events - The Maldivian Dream

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 06:29:00 +0000

So, it's not like I've been too busy or distracted to blog, I'm just having massive writers block... or, well, I don't know, I do get this far occasionally (this being to the 'create posts' page, but I never get around to writing anything substantial let alone posting! But, I feel bad for ignoring my dear blog, so here goes nothing.
And it may actually not be anymore more than that.

So, anyways, the political frenzy, and I say the word frenzy with caution because it is a great understatement, is FINALLY over. I mean elections and the madness, and the campaigning, and the apparent "dawn of democracy" and the Gayyoom moving out of Theemuge *awwww* and Pres. Nasheed/Anni giving a 10 year old's acceptance speech and the disappointing cabinet (you know, the one that makes you go, huh??? I thought Anni's, not Gasim's victory???)... I have to say, I felt a little wary, what with all the hysteria of the campaigns, and I had another candidate in mind,but well, anyhow I did get super excited when I actually began to believe there was going to be a change even if it wasn't ideal so to speak. Now though, I am sooo out of it. All of it. *Yawn*

At least we can now flip off Americans and say we got our own Maldivian Dream happening... Although in this case its more like erm, middle class to pauper to friggin' KING (Note: King as in metaphorically the highest rankings, no political connotations there)... The product of suffering, and perseverance and activism - here's to standing up for what you believe in President Nasheed! Congrats!! You are now officially living the Maldivian Dream!

Seriously though, if you missed the first morning when the results were confirmed, you missed the most amazing time ever! The beautiful sunshine, people hugging and crying and just the general euphoric atmosphere. It was like everyone was on a natural high and you just had to get a whiff of it and it got you hooked there, singing Wathan Edhey Gothah and all of that... They actually played techno for a lil while too and it was like being in this mini rave when the dawn breaks and every one's still buzzed? Yeah. Awesome! Smiles everywhere, a few thousand people, and no official gathering, just like everyone got drawn to the energy! There are a couple of pics floating around in the blogosphere, and flickr as well.. you should absolutely check it out and you'll know what I mean. I had this warm fuzzy feeling in me, when they played redemption song, I really felt like it was a new beginning, and I'm really looking forward to see how all of it plays out.
Moving on.

Obviously, there's a very positive mood radiating from this town now... I just hope the promises of Aneh Dhivehiraaje live up to it... or atleast meets us (the hopeful community) somewhere in the middle! God knows this place needs a good kick in the nuts ...and someone to get the machinery going ;)

Who moved my FaceBook???!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 10:17:00 +0000

The majority of the human population is absolutely mortified of venturing out their respective comfort zones. Not surprising, but when you place into consideration the amount of of venting, complaining and moaning about not getting ahead in their lives - you can't help but roll your eyes.
And the perfect example of how stuck in their own little worlds people are, is the tiny masses that have hate groups against the new Facebook popping up virtually everywhere. Soon they’ll be lining up on highways and burning laptops. (Kekeke. Blll)
Okay, so maybe I’m being a little dramatic here. But HONESTLY. What is with people being soooo pissed over a little change up of Oh, I donno… where there frikking FB Wall goes??? Just part of the entire Facebook phenomenon, or as I prefer to say, psycho mania. Does Facebook comprise of SUCH a huge part of their lives that they care about a little web link shift here and there?
Reading an article that likened the new layout to someone ransacking their home and changing their furniture I couldn't help but wonder would happen to these same people if something truly monumental struck their lives. Like someone close to them having cancer… Or when they lose their job or perhaps their home. I wonder if they’d feel that passionately about life kicking them in the ass? Do they really have nothing meaningful in their lives that they feel the need to actively campaign against the new face of, well, Facebook?
Just goes to show how very sad and disconnected the new generation happens to be. Things don’t look very promising for the cyber kids… After all when you’re calling a web page the equivalent of your personal room… well, that just says it all dunnit?

Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!
Oh yeah... Eid Mubarik guys! And I wonder, was the blogger coffee so traumatic that everyone seems to be refusing to even mention it ;)?

Bodu Vaahaka

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 00:45:00 +0000

We have had two lovely days of sunshine, and it was really the sunny side of life... of course, I knew it couldn't last. And now, in the wee hours of the morning, it rains. I wonder what the forecast is regarding tonight's show...
So I'm extremely bored but I can't sleep... I feel like blogging.. and the only thing worth talking about these few days has been the great debate. Y'all in Maldives know what I'm talking about. I think the whole thing is a little silly though, as they haven't even officially become candidates yet. Counting eggies much?
So firstly... I've found this blog that I now love... this is first sight, folks. Lol.. seriously, you must check this out. The siyaasee map of the year!

I'm not massively into politics but I couldn't miss this, and I'm not a fan of apathy either, firm believer that years of people fighting for the right to vote should not be treated with disrespect... thus I gave in and joined the lot!
Anyway so my verdict is... hoping not to get too long and boring;

Anni - Someone needs to tell him that when you sit down on a chair, you do not have to keep your coat buttoned. It was tight all over your shoulders and you reminded me very much of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I'm sorry about the pope-ish indications there, but I suppose it's all very fitting. His facial expressions have become noticeably less clownish (which I feel everyone should appreciate and congratulate, even), however it does not make you less of a clown. He is right however, we do need a 'siyaasath' however, I feel that he is more of an activist than a political leader. Figurehead maybe, but a head of a nation? Lets not get too 'ahead' of ourselves now, shall we?

Umar - He was excellent, very passionate and very excited too (which in retrospect is a little creepy) ... Nonetheless he had my full attention, and proved that if nothing else, he is obviously a talented orator. However, when you started talking about 'effas kurun' and all that nonsense, the pettiness showed through. Reality, and common sense - seemed lacking.

Ibra - The most interesting thing about this man, was his tie. I understand that by comparing him to Roosevelt, I may be making a seriously politically incorrect statement, however I cannot help but do so. Correct me if I'm wrong, but from what I understand he kept his disability a secret, and the image of him as a cripple was generally not accepted in USA even after his death. Also, the reasoning behind the secrecy seems to be that, generally anyway, at the time, US was a very vulnerable, weakened nation which was in need of a fearless leader and the image of a strong man, was essential for the nation's morale. Maldives might still be above sea level in physical terms, but we are now sinking with the weight of our troubles. Our leader may not have a physically strong presence I don't have ANY issues with that but I do think, that what is lacking in those terms needs to be met with a strong presence, passion and confidence. I think that failed to show through. Personally, I agree with a lot of his statements but I don't think he convinced me he had the spirit in him to leader our nation up that winding road.

Gasim - I expected a lot better. His arguments were sound, but they seemed to come from elsewhere. He was nervous, and intimidated. I don't blame him for being so, it would all seem foreign to him I expect... However, this was an important appearance for him to make and I think he could have done a far better job of it than he did. When he spoke from his heart it seemed genuine, once he started reading points, it all fell apart. Also dude, loose the pencil next time.

Hasan Saeed - Is the reason that a man like Anni can never make it to the top. This is the difference between an educated, intelligent man... and a man controlled by impulse. That being said... there's a lot of shadiness behind this fella... I think his whole rise to fame thing reeks of disrespect and manipulation and a lack of professionalism. Did you see Hasanu turning Golhaa away whilst he was attempting to do his 'Ima Big Man' thing and see everyone off as if he had been the host or something? Like firumaali as if Golhaa was some pathetic Granpa type of beggar dude, which was sooo PAKAAAAAAAAS!

Golhaa (Gayyoom)- Don't you just love this guy? First he picked out the No.1 with the guruathulun and was all LOL vefa... Kekekeke *abadhahves hama evvana!* And then *GIGGLE* for possibly the first time (publicly anyway!) in THIRTY YEARS, we got to see him all sulky and pissy and seriously fuckfaced!...On a stronger note though, we understand that you must mention all you've achieved but it would be refreshing to hear you say something meaningful. I think everybody understands that big changes take time, but 30 years is beyond excusable. Lol, and then Golhaa tried to be all big man seeing off every one afterwards, that is, until Hasanthakuru did his lil thaaaang! Funn-eee!

So thats that. My thoughts on the matter... The debate was fun to watch with family I must say, everyone had their own different view and all... very different theme to family gathering I must say. I did have an interesting argument with my cousin however. She argues that one candidate mistreats his wife and no self respecting woman would vote for him. I say, well not that any of that is our business but from that particular perspective, I don't think polygamy is a great example either (this would be regarding her choice of candidate) ... not that I put abuse and polygamy in the same category but, neither are an indication of where I want the women of Maldives to stand. My aunt also made a point out of the fact that she didn't want the first lady to be a foreigner! Ridiculous!

But really, WHO WOULD THE INDEPENDANT, EDUCATED and EMPOWERED WOMAN vote for? There are a fair amount of women who can be described in those terms today, certainly, however the majority of women this country churns out are not fashioned as the next leaders of our country, rather, the closest possible ambition seems to be the first lady! This idea is to say the least, extremely disturbing! What does it matter whether she is a foreigner or not! Sonia Gandhi is an excellent example for women in India to follow by; although she isn't Indian, she manages to incorporate the best of their values and the way I see it, is a great political figurehead for their country. My point is, less focus on the first lady and more on, perhaps the women chosen to stand by the candidates, if at all. The idea is a woman in a leading position, not as a useless post like Gender Ministry which is an unheard of title where the rest of the world is concerned and is basically an poor excuse to have a female cabinet member. More women in roles we havent seen before, women to be respected, not for men to ridicule at their market hotaa coffees and such. I don't think there is a candidate with any indication of this quality, a quality that I am greatly concerned with, not because I am a die-hard feminist, because I'm a woman with ambitions that extend further than a cutting board!

Now I have nothing against housewives and stay-at-home mothers, being a child of two working parents I have great admiration (and fondness!) for those who devote their time to the proper upbringing of their children and management of their respect households. I am just saying that should not be the only thing in life we aspire to do. I think it is still all that is expected of women and many feel obligated to do so, foregoing their own hopes and dreams and that is, truly tragic. Being a fulltime wife and mom is a difficult, taxing job that is often little appreciated and hardly ever rewarding. It would be wonderful, if all the 'under twenty five years old' women used their god given ability to reason and perhaps consider the invaluable input they could make towards this country and themselves as individuals by realising their dreams and making that much of a change, by giving their all for as long as they can, before they start the infamous struggle to balance and 'have it all'. It would be even better if we had the proper systems in place to better amplify the importance of our options.

It is a turning point in this nation, and we need a leader who above all, truly embodies the potential of our country, who is brimming with passion and smarts, and simultaneosly has his feet firmly on the ground, knowing that what matters above all is not the grandeur of flamboyant promises, successfully using of these essential qualities as best suits the women, just as much as the men and the children of our nation.

*breathes out - whoooosh!*
Safe to say I dissed the whole long and boring mid way eh? Oh well..

Fairy Fucking Tales

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:45:00 +0000

So we've all heard it... damsels in distress, prince charmings and frikkin' magic castles. The fairytale... since I was a kid... in typical girl fashion, I have to admit, I've had the dream.
Weirdly enough I've never been bothered to figure out who the villain in my story is. Now though, that I've been faced with slaying the fire breathing dragon... I have face the wicked witch with her steaming cauldron and destroy the curses and spells...
For further clarification, I enquired with the enchanted mirror (naturally)...

Me: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
Mirror: The hell if I know. Check people.com? Sorry but it sure ain't you sugar!
Me: Dude, don't you have anything nice to say?
Mirror: Uh... you're no Snow White bitch.
Me: So you wanna talk about skin colour now? Issat it?
Mirror: Charcoal Black. Whatever. You were saying?
Me: Yeah exactly… umm....Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the villain destroying it all?
Mirror: I’m a fucking mirror; do you not see the reflection? What am I, your personal psychiatrist? You’re the ass fuck who’s eating shit, and you want me to name people? Thomangel, why kind of a lame ass pussy name is that? You’re the cause of your own problems.
Me: ?????
(I always hated that story)
Could it be? Am I the villain of my own fairytale?
Certainly seems like it. Man, I'm so sick of myself. I've tried to clean my act up and be the proper daughter, sister, girlfriend... I've gotten pretty far too, or so I thought. But villains must always remain villains right? There is no redemption. They get like, destroyed and shit.
Case point: Dorothy melts the wicked witch of the west, Ariel turns Ursula into a shrimp and Aladdin actually locks up Jafar in a lamp… etcetera
So does that mean I need to try and vaporize myself in order for me to live happily ever after? Seems kind of pointless… So I’ve tried the Prince Charming will solve my problems and let me say, Prince Charming brought about most of ‘em, he ain’t so charming either. Not after you’ve lived together and had to go through the toilet seat should be down not up, and smelly socks go in the laundry, household chores aren’t just the chick’s responsibility (get with the times, we’ve been liberated idiot!) blah blah blah… It is can’t live ‘with or without you’ kind of situation though (thanks for going ahead and singing it Bono *rolls eyes*).
And, FYI in the situation of the wicked step mother, the wicked birth parents can be more of an issue. Ditto for step sisters/brothers. In fact, they could turn out to be much nicer than your blood relatives. MUCH. You may even want to adopt their families and denounce your own.
And the castle… man you grow up and you realize your castle doesn’t quite want you to be in it… and you need to built your own… which of course, more often ends up resembling a broken down shack. And you eat canned tuna for the rest of your life. Hurray! Yippee!
Thank God this shitholes gonna sink.
Screams and screams and pulls out all the frikkin goldy locks (or not) – FUCK happily ever after! Morons.

Last Kiss

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 06:41:00 +0000

So there I was, standing on the little platform, feeling utterly and totally dejected, rejected and the like. It had been a total waste of a perfectly good holiday, bombarded with catastrophe after catastrophe. You know, the kind of holiday it takes massive amounts of alcohol to recover from. Ironically, departing was turning out to be far more painful than the enormous relief I had been expecting, albeit preparing, to feel.
I watched my friends discussing something animatedly with my mother, and tugged the ends of my mouth into what I hoped would turn out to be a smile, hoping to feel twist what I was feeling into a different emotion but it was just tugging at my heart all the more. I turned to gaze at the ferry and the deep blue that stretched ahead. Suddenly I couldn't breathe.
The trip that lay ahead was one that I had been making an average of four times an year, for the past four years so clearly, I should have been more than used to it. It wasn't like I wasn't coming back or anything... I was used to it. The thing about this particular situation... the thing is... I don't even know what the thing is actually! Well... the significance I suppose. Each journey is different of course, and depending on how you look at it, you're always saying a real goodbye to someone or something, sometimes a part of who you are, and you will, usually, find yourself welcoming something else instead.
I'm not even sure I'm telling this story right anymore!
I remember a shiver running from the back of my neck, right down to the very bottom of my spine, the kind of chill that makes you shudder and hug your shoulders, because you know it isn't the cold. I didn't know what this 'separation' would mean, as such but it filled me with longing... and the most desperate kind of pain. In retrospect, I think what terrified me the most was the need to recognise a reality that I already understood, but wasn't quite ready to admit.
As I hugged all of my friends goodbye, I knew they could feel all the built up tension inside of me. They were used to me making dumb comments and getting all teary eyed, but I know they knew things were different this time around, they did bear witness after all, to the medley of disasters that had taken place. So in true best friend fashion, they all tried cracking some seriously lame jokes, which were met with a few pitiful chuckles, and they all made sure each hug lasted just a little longer to try and make up for it. But they knew it and I knew it, and there was no real use to avoid it anymore so, after wasting as many seconds as I could manage , I finally turned to him, half hopeful, and mostly really freaking out. Le confrontation.
This last memory. Our last memory. The words seem morbid, like I was talking about someone dying. You could call it a death, I suppose, but not in the usual sense, not of a living soul. The death of a passion, the death of many memories spanning many years, the death of a feeling that kept me warm, cliche as it may be... many cold lonely nights.
His eyes, dammit... his eyes that never changed since he was that tiny little toddler on a yellow tricycle like in the picture I had... Big, brown eyes I stared into, searching for some kind of an answer. It was all eyes though, just eyes and I didn't even know what I was looking for? Some sparkle? A text page of instructions on what to do? Big ass red hearts popping out like in some deranged Tom and Jerry episode? Disturbing.
I had so many things to say, but none of it seemed remotely right. The carefully prepared speech I'd practised looking into the bathroom mirror - flushed down the toilet. I had so many things I wanted to explain, I had a couple of apologies I wanted to make... but how do you apologise about feelings? I'm sorry I acted like a total lunatic with the calls, but I didn't mean to? Yeah? See? Totally insane. I didn't just want to say sorry either. A part of me wanted to slap him until he was red in the face and scream at him till he was blue. Tell him exactly how much I hated him for allowing to make this mistake. Tell him I never even wanted anything to happen. But that wasn't true either. So how does something that was totally sweet and simple end up being so ugly and complicated? How exactly do two people go from being the best of friends, to never wanted to see each other again?
Then there was this awkward laugh. I'm not evens sure who laughed. It didn't really matter anyway. At that moment we were two strangers trapped in this tiny little space, locked away from every one and every thing else, suffocating, unable to move and unable to speak. I opened my arms, thinking all I had to do was get it over with, and there would be a pat on the back and I'd just walk away. But hugging him and feeling his warmth, the familiar scent and texture of his skin, I can't explain how I felt next... it was kind of like blowing a balloon and flinging it into the air, as it makes this weird noise and spins as it deflates.... I felt a release of something, this funny sweet feeling, whizzing into the air.
It wasn't that I was never going to see him again. it's just that I knew I couldn't see him again, that when I came back whenever that would be, he wouldn't be around, and I wouldn't be looking for him. The years couldn't matter anymore, there was nothing more to be said, everything that could go wrong had and we no longer even had a beginning to go back to.
I couldn't deal with the moment. This guy I used to talk about everything under the sun to, was going to become this msn contact that I never spoke to. If something hilarious happened, he was the person I would look to laugh with. When everything sucked, he was the person I wanted to talk to. It wasn't so much about what had happened, it was more about how much I knew I would miss us, and miss him. Every time we tried to connect after, there would be so much fucked up history that I'd be worrying about when I said this he'd think that and ..ugh... I so wish everything had never gotten this messed up. He was looking for fun, and I thought I was too, but then life changed and I suddenly ended up needing more than he could give. I was prepared for this meaningless fling, but how do you do meaningless with someone that means so much to you? It was a recipe for disaster, and we really burned down the house. I needed to say something or do something, but I was absolutely clueless.
My eyes felt wet and heavy and I knew I was going to have a major breakdown any moment, so I couldn't just hug him, I had to feel him on my lips and so I learn to kiss his cheek, my heart was beating so hard it seemed like everyone else could hear it too, and then, totally unexpected, his hand came up against my chin and pulled my face up, then abruptly, an adamant, almost assaulting kiss interrupted all my thoughts.
I forgot my parents were there, I forgot my friends were there, and I found myself quite literally, lost in the moment. Another, cliche, I know but it was so real... and it lasted just a few seconds, like I had a plug that had been pulled out of it's socked, for a few moments of freedom and beautiful darkness, before everything went back to how it should be.

New Look!!

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 08:07:00 +0000

Finally, no more green. Aren't I brave? I took the plunge myself.. and decided to try and do it. Verdict - (deep breath, it's a big one)... it actually , wasn't that hard!!!! Revelation.. I'm gonna do this all the time! Yay..
Well not really. Due to me coming out of the closet about hating green.. and having a green blog thing becoming that much of a controversy (I'm a girl, I get to be a drama queen, aaight???) - It just got to the point that I just had to try. I'm tired of conning sweet boys to do my dirty work. Anyway.. Whew. So proud of myself for not fucking it up. Although I did almost delete my blogger account in the process (Don't ask.)
Anyway. Yay yay yay!
I'm going to watch Sex And The City. I have been looking forward to this for ages... but I had to wait to watch it....
*holds up imaginary mike and yodels 'girls just wanna have fun'!

Random Shait.

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 23:44:00 +0000

Some one here who I shall not blame or name... is playing Sultan's song rulhi naadhey and it is just 'rulhi aruvaning' me. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lol, it's this song I hate it reminds me of the annoying guys on Male' roads who have to do lame ass cat calls and whistles and never seem to fucking grow up and mind their own business. Am I the only person who thinks this is wrong?
Well, I know boys will just be boys but its so irritating.
Like I could be having a massively bad day, and it would be scorching hot... and I have to pass like.. artificial beach maybe. And I don't wanna waste a whole 25 bucks on a cab... so I'll walk. And then I'd have to face --- THE LEGION.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Rulhi naadhey rulhi naadhey? Oh gimme a break. Why am I targeting this song? Coz I was unfortunate enough to cross a few dudes who decided to make a remark 'bout me ...this was long ago... And then I was dumb enough to retort.. and I had to go through massive musical performance. It was very cringe worthy. I was wishing I kept my big mouth shut.
So it's not a critical issue. And no I'm not the feminist type to try and preach here. But I have to say it sometimes makes me wanna break things. Kekeke...
Oh well.. moving away from the thought.
Another sleepless night. Man...Does any one have a cure for insomnia?
Please?
C'mon..
:(
Btw... have you heard the supposedly famous song Get Low... FloRider Ft Tpain I believe. Is it just me or is 'apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur' just too lame to be lyrics?
I do not have a problem with rap or hiphop... if you're talking about say, Tupac yeah.. but that is just, I'm sorry, very lame. This is rivalled by Timberland Ft J.Timberlake, Missy Elliot - Bounce... it goes like this yeah...
Bounce (like yo' ass had the hiccups)
Bounce (like we was ridin' in my pick-up)
Bounce (why you lookin' so sad? baby girl you need to cheer up)
Bounce (I got the remedy, it's you on me and me on you
And you on me and me on you and you on her
Then her on me and her on you and y'all on me
Then me on y'all and y'all on me
Menage a trois, menage a tr-uh-uh)
Please. Like your ass had the hiccups? Oh gimme a break. Yuck.
Sigh. I need breakfast now. Adios amigoz.

A bit of a pointless post...

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 19:43:00 +0000

We all have questions we need answered.
And I know no one really has the answers we are looking for...
But don't you just wish sometimes that they were all 'google-able?'
Lots of people manage to look really pulled together... and seem virtually flawless... living the American or Maldivian or whatever-it-is dream...
But I wonder, does any one get to really feel that satisfied?
Or do we just convince ourselves it's unattainable to save ourselves from making the effort?
Basically, are we just too fucking lazy to fulfil our potential (that is assuming we have much of it)?
I know, all I'm doing is coming up with another question that begs answering...
But hey it's 4.00.00 a.m. ... I can't be being very productive anyway :p
So here I sit by my laptop, munching up calories I know I'll be regretting when I look at the mirror in the morning (People will be up soon... jeez)...
Wondering if anyone really gets to be happy?
I mean, if happiness is simply a state of mind.. why is it so hard to achieve?
Do we get to a point and press pause?? Is that how the whole thing works?
If we all work to satisfy a need that is unattainable.. doesn't make it useless? Doesn't it make us useless? So how do we, as logically operated beings manage to survive so many centuries being so utterly useless?

Things I hate... really hate...

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 19:17:00 +0000

So... Am inspired by Iya Ze Great... but I just realised I've done this a few times before... So anyway.. Friggin' bored so here's the updated version!

Waiting in queues and people take their own fucking time moving along...

People who don't fucking queue

Kiss and Tell

Religious Fanatics

Soaps

People who diss anything but Metal

Plastic Flowers

Empty Tissue Boxes

People who think Vodka and a laptop makes a party :P

Green Tea

Dim Sum

Anime Freaks (I know I'm going to get murdered for that but sorry, its pathetic)

Homophobes (what's your problem? let 'em exist, it doesn't make you less of a man)

Feminists

Chauvinists

Lazy bums who play PS/Xbox all the fucking time

Weed-a-holics (Get a life)

Friggin dhivehi version of haruvaalhu hedhun

Penguins... (ie. jubba/ bodu burugaa)

People with degrees/masters/phd's who think less of everyone else

People who have no education and lump around depending on other people's incomes

The word Badi/Slut/Whore

The word Gadda/Player/Stud

Maldivians/Indians...Basically asians who think they're white

Chicks who create too much drama

Chicks who talk constantly about shit they know shit about

Chicks who play dumb

Liars

Hypocrites

Politics

Lindsey Lohan

Miley Cyrus

So called Maldivian frikking gangs (pussies... all of 'em)

Chicks who can only talk about their boyfriends

Dicks who can only talk about their girlfriends

People who have cheesy pms

People who copy paste nicks from various lame websites

People who have supermodels and celebs as their dp's

Men who beg chicks to love 'em

Men who try to buy chicks with gifts and shit

Middle aged people who haven't truly lived think they know better (different era now, you don't know shit)

Crowds of people

Winter in England

MSN Live Messenger

Green Colour (Unless its a traffic light)

Durians

B.O.

People who can't cry/think it's lame (it shows ur human u freak)

Kaalhu voices...

Yeah.. so I'm gonna stop now...I could so frikkin go on though.. Woah... very angry night... perfect for tantrums ;)

Fanatic about Fanatics

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 18:55:00 +0000

Maldivians come up with a lot of bullshit on a daily basis… have a conversation with anyone… look up the history (if you can call it that)… you could be talking about Rannamaari, it could be the excuse the dude is giving to his girlfriend, the speech at Friday prayers… the last DRP meeting… the latest Anni speech.. Bottom line - whatever it is, you can be sure that it’s at least 99% pure BULLSHIT. In a country where the closest thing to a cow you can get is beef from ‘Fantasy’ (that sounds so fucked up …) that’s really saying something…: P

Lately though, of all the nonsense we’ve been fed since we were poor hapless young ‘uns in primary school….what really got me huffin’ and puffin’ has to be the ever miraculous – JUDGEMENT DAY… Yeah I get how this can be a sensitive topic but hello… this has to be the only country on the planet that can find a connection between the end of the world and white walls! How friggin’ absurd is that? I mean I get the justification behind hell and heaven and rules of society and sin and all that… may not all compute, but anyone can see why this sort of philosophy has to exist… but seriously... Do we really need the idiotic details like people having to fuck all over the roads and buildings having to be tall?

I mean really… how sad is that… do we really have nothing better to do but fabricate a load of cock to make ourselves better about the fact that we have no idea where our lives are going and let’s face it… no one in the world would even notice if we disappeared? Think about it… Should we be wasting our money draping curtains all over us or should we be thinking about the fact that we’re probably going to be under water in the next ten years…? Aha! See?

Its ridiculous… our country is so completely fucked up in economics, education, population control, infrastructure, the ruling party, justice system… you name it baby, we’ve screwed it up!!! So what do we do?? We make our selves feel better by diving into deeper into fanaticism?? I totally get how religion makes us feel more secure and gives us reason for living, motivates us... blah blah blah... Fine... But hey… let me just give you an example…

I know someone who has recently migrated over to the side of *ahem* no return... if you know what I mean, ... But they are expecting a little one again... So they asked for some stuff to be sewn... and get this... Apparently there should be no living organisms depicted on the cloth, no human faces or animals or butterflies... Or flowers…no stars even! I mean, hey I can understand (although I will laugh at you anyway) why you might not want dolls and teddies... (Under the whole Buddha alhukan kurun idiotic rationalization) but please… you’re talking about a baby!!! And I know too many people who wont even let a three year old or two year old wear anything above their ankles!!! They're just toddlers????!!!! 'Aura' hasn't even happened yet??????? And try finding anything for a baby without a flower or a star or a teddy bear... Please, buying her a Barbie will not make her Buddhist or Hindu, I ASSURE YOU!!!! Guess who’s off the gift list eh?

What kind of pathetic idiotic rationalisations do people like this come up with??? I know, I know, I’ve migrated from blogging to ranting… but it’s fucking frustrating… shouldn’t people be pushing for a better education system and at least safe streets for their kids rather than become Al Qaeda wanna-bes?
Another thing... if Adam and Eve were educated about the world and animals and everything... Please explain to me why in so many millions of years... it is only now that we have electricity and plumbing and political institutions?? Do not start telling me that it was primitive before because between Parliamentary Members fingering the press and having entire channels dedicated to observing the lives of rich folks and pigging out at Mc D’s …

Please… you would’ve thought that they’d come up with condoms at least a hundred thousand years ago. Then, maybe we’d have a better situation today? Yes? I fail to see much of a progress.

The fuck? And I’ll probably get called some Satanic shit for saying so… but excuse me for wishing my country was less than a shit hole!
Religion is a whole friggin’ industry nowadays… hey hey, who would listen to the Islamic Democratic Party if they didn’t feel some sort of guilt … they associate with themselves with Islam… every Maldivian finds it mandatory to be a Muslim (I’m sorry, but that’s just wrong… it’s one thing to be born into a muslim family… but it’s an entirely different thing to be thrown in jail for merely contemplating the thought of a different lifestyle!).. anyway.. the point is that since they are directly associated with the religion itself, just about everyone finds themselves guilty as hell (giggle) for not paying attention to them.. see? Very smart of them… nothing to do with respecting faith whatsoever though. Even Barack Obama is scared shitless of being called a muslim see???? Religion whatever it may be… is very little to do with faith… and everything to do with perception and propaganda … at least in these times… Imagine the amount of money people make out of religious books, and campaigns… and selling certain things…. *whew*… its about principles and beliefs? Uh uh… the Dalai Lama for example.. is so friggin’ profiting off it’s celebrity spokespeople and what not… shit just isn’t shit in this world… it’s got a lot of other things to it… Btw.. have you heard about the Pope wearing Oscar de la Renta?? Shit’s even getting fashionable these days ;)

Wow… I should unload more often…. See?? This nonsense is what happens when I don’t blog enough! Anyway… it remains to be seen whether white walls make much of a difference… perhaps the world remains in the hands of the architects then? Heck maybe the Rannamaari will be back from the dead? I have to say, wouldn’t surprise me ;) maybe we’ll have to offer adolescent boys this time… Interesting thought hm?

Before I sign off... thanks people (you know who you are!!!!) for wanting me to blog ;)

Really dumb.

noreply@blogger.com (Thom) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 13:55:00 +0000

Another bloody boring day I've been sitting at home dreaming of doing something remotely exciting. I guess stuff just doesn't stimulate me no more.
Sigh.
Baaarghhh.. I've been logging into blogger like everyday or so like some damn looser and thinking of blogging. Mind you, on good days I can make it up to pressing create a new post too. Sadly, I have to now face the pressure of living up to the likes of some really amazing blogs like Bulhaa or damn witty like Iya or Shaf (although it's inaccessible nowadays *cry*) and Simon and all these massively talented folk.
My rather bland blog that lacks an oh so cool layout and damn articulate intellectual bullshit everywhere.. is kinda depressing.
So today I sat infront of my new acer laptop *YAYYYY SO PRETTYYYYY* (Ya. Serious. You should see what nonsense I had before :P) that is like nice enough to take to Starbucks with me and be so cool blogging there :P lol.. and I thought about what to write...
And I kept thinking..
And thinking...
Until...
WHAT THE FUCK I'VE BEEN BLOGGING SINCE LIKE 2005!!! I am an GRANNY blogger!!!! Maldivian oldie anyway. :P I shall continue to blog! I am gonna BLOG. :P
If it's all pure unadulterated boring shit on a really lame layout IT SHALL BE SO! Coz I'm special and thats how my blog becomes special. LMAO.
Bah!
I honestly think that unless I'm depressed or pissed I have nothing amazing to blog about.
And these days I'm happy.
Thus the blog suffers.
LOL
Thousand apologies.
I shall continue sometime, somehow.
Please don't all go pray I become miserable though. Even if you do want me to blog. Or you just have the kinda perverse personality that you like people to be unhappy.
That would be mean. And you're a nice person.
XD