ObscureBlog

The Obscure NFL Power Rankings - Week Nine

2009-11-11T02:04:36Z

Exactly one half of all football games have been played. The Colts and Saints will make the playoffs. Are we sure about anybody else?

I didn't have room to expand on this in the rankings below, but these two coaching decisions need to be addressed:

1) The Giants should not have kicked that field goal against the Chargers. If they go for the touchdown and make it, they win. If they go for the touchdown and miss, then the Chargers have to go the length of the field. Yes, they can kick a field goal and tie it, but that is a better outcome than what actually happened. Kicking the field goal was the safe but wrong choice. The Giants have been making alot of wrong choices lately.

2) But that wasn't even the worst field goal decision in the NFC East this week. What was Andy Reid thinking? A 52 yard field goal is hardly a sure thing, and then they were still down by 4! Who cares that its 4th and 11: victory favors the bold. Reid was doing what he thought would cover himself with the media, NOT what would give his team the best chance to win.

Enough bickering over minutiae: on to the ranks!

Rank (LW)	Team	Record	Comments
1 (1)		8-0	The 8-0 Saints still have yet to play a difficult road game.
2 (2)		8-0	I guess their logo is a horseshoe for a reason; that was a lucky, lucky win against Houston.
3 (3)		6-2	New England needs to win in Indianapolis, not only to give them a shot at home field for the playoffs, but to protect their record as the only 16-0 team in NFL history.
4 (5)		6-2	The Bengals are about to go on a 3 game road trip, just in time to derail all those "The Bengals are for real!" stories.
5 (4)		7-1	Doesn't the Viking mascot look like he could be one of the Village People?

6 (6)	6-2	Not quite a bold prediction: The Steelers will beat the Bengals this Sunday to take back control of the AFC North.
7 (8)	6-2	Wake me up when they win a game in December.
8 (13)	5-3	The Falcons might be the only team left that can keep the Saints from running the table this season.
9 (17)	5-3	Kurt Warner was 22/32 with 5 touchdowns. Matt Leinert was 0/1 with 1 interception.
10 (14)	5-3	I don't mean this to say I regret the trade, because we won a Super bowl with Eli, but: Philip Rivers would have handled the New York spotlight pretty brilliantly.
11 (9)	5-4	The Texans are 0-3 in games where a running back fumbles at the goal line. It is not surprising that they have lost those games, but it is surprising that it has already happened 3 times.
12 (10)	5-3	I keep hearing about how bad unemployment is, but somehow Andy Reid still has a job.
13 (11)	4-4	BOLD PREDICTION ALERT: The Ravens are not making the playoffs this year.
14 (7)	6-2	Since my bold prediction about the Broncos being the first team to secure a playoff spot, they are 0-2 while the Chargers are 2-0.
15 (15)	3-5	Best 3-5 team in the history of the NFL?
16 (16)	3-5	The 49ers are now 0-4 since Michael Crabtree ended his holdout. I'm going to continue bringing this up until they win or there is something else more interesting to talk about with the 49ers.
17 (18)	5-4	When the Chargers got the ball back down by 6 with 2 minutes to go, I was sure that the Giants were going to lose. That is not a good feeling.
18 (19)	4-4	The collapse in this defense must be due to more than the loss of Brian Urlacher, right?
19 (17)	4-4	Aaron Rodgers: overrated, super overrated, or the most overrated ever? He takes more sacks then the Bunny Ranch.
20 (20)	4-4	Whooooosh!
21 (21)	3-5	In the first half, Carolina scored 17 points while calling 19 rushes and 6 passes. In the second half, Carolina scored 3 points while calling 20 rushes and 24 passes.
22 (23)	3-5	The Seahawks erased the biggest deficit in team history in coming back to win over the Lions (and to save my suicide pool).
23 (22)	4-4	If the Panther and the Jaguar got in a fight, who would win? And would anybody in Jacksonville care?
24 (27)	2-6	The success of Vince Young is also a condemnation of Jeff Fisher for waiting until his team was 0-6 to make a change.
25 (24)	3-5	Is the buffalo getting shot with a laser? Does he have an iron beam sticking out of his head?
26 (25)	2-6	This will blow your mind: the Raiders wear this crest on the side of the helmet. Does the Raider IN the crest also have the crest on the side of HIS helmet? And so on into infinity? Recursive logo!
27 (26)	1-7	I guess now we know why Bill Belichick didn't get what many perceived as fair value back for Matt Cassel: he actually thought he was getting a good deal for the garbage he was selling.
28 (28)	1-7	Why so angry, Ram? Oh, right. Nevermind.
29 (32)	1-7	The Josh Freeman era begins!
30 (29)	1-7	If Cleveland is the Mistake by the Lake, then Eric Mangini is the Clown running the Browns. high fives himself
31 (30)	1-7	The Lion may look vicious, but he still doesn't have any claws.
32 (31)	2-6	Deion Sanders making fun of Clinton Portis for getting a concussion is the latest classy move by a classy, classy guy. Super classy.

Getting smart about the smart grid, part six: OH FUCK ITS GOING TO EXPLODE

2009-11-10T18:22:43Z

Somebody always has to fuck it up for the rest of us, don't they?

Think about it. Nobel invents a useful construction tool like dynamite, next thing you know its being used as a weapon. The Wright Brothers invent airplanes, and then you get 9/11. Gutenberg invents the printing press, and then Stephanie Meyer writes Twilight. The point is, every useful invention can be turned against us for horrible purposes.

Now the internet is coming for us.

This 60 Minutes piece from last Sunday, "Sabotaging the System," shows how hackers could break into the electric grid and send it fake information that would order it to tear itself apart. For the money shot, skip ahead to the 15:30 mark, and watch an IC engine do its Lindsey Lohan impression and self-destruct:

Watch CBS News Videos Online

This kind of attack is possible because of the centralized nature of our power grid. The smart grid enables decentralization on a scale that would not be feasible today. Say what you want about solar panels, but it would be pretty difficult to get them to explode the way this engine does - not to mention the fact that instead of blowing up one engine, you'd have to attack thousands of units.

If fear mongering politicians were interested in doing something other than appearing tough on brown people in order to rack up votes or lining the pockets of defense contractors in their congressional district, this might be the type of thing they talk about. Just sayin'.

The Great Corn Con, exposed?

2009-11-09T18:40:22Z

Back when I used to write about something other than sports, I explored the ethanol scam in a two part piece titled, "The Great Corn Con." A quick recap: ethanol mandates for fuel blending would not help the US towards its goal of energy sustainability, but might help a few brown people starve to death. As Bernie Madoff and Allen Stanford proved, even the largest con games eventually collapse under their own weight. As ethanol fails to deliver on its promises, this game, too, is coming to an end.

Last week saw the release of a report on the state of the industry by a Houston-based energy analyst (what what Houston) with a glorious title: "Corn Ethanol's Slow-Motion Train Wreck." Why, if I was able to determine in about 30-minutes worth of writing, that corn ethanol was destined to be a failed energy policy, did it plow ahead unabated?

Notwithstanding all the controversies surrounding ethanol in recent years - its impact on global food prices, to name just one - Washington continues to provide Midwestern farmers (many of whom live, amazingly enough, in electoral swing states) with lots of goodies. The three big ones are the blenders' tax credit, the ethanol import tariff (helping keep out Brazilian sugar ethanol), and most importantly, a guaranteed floor for demand via the Renewable Fuel Standard (RFS). Originally enacted in 2005, the RFA was upsized in the December 2007 energy bill by a Democratic Congress and a Republican president - showing that if there is one thing the parties can agree on, it's pandering to farmers. [emphasis added]

Obama-Hitler mustache drawing teabaggers, take note! Despite years of government mandates and federal subsides, corn ethanol has had exactly zero impact on the amount of oil imported by this country or the cost of fuel for your SUVs. Your precious tax dollars are being wasted! Somebody call Glenn Beck!!

And it isn't for lack of trying: 10% of ethanol capacity in this country is currently sitting idle, because it is cheaper to let the machines rust then to use them to produce ethanol. The corn ethanol industry is proving the predictive power of math. If the value isn't there, no amount of federal subsides and wishing can make it so.

Awww SCOOT SCOOT SCOOT SCOOT SCOOT SCOOT

2009-11-08T01:23:45Z

Admission of error is a cleansing exercise. And I need to be cleansed. I was wrong. The electric bike was a stupid idea.

Being fair to Jesse circa 2008, the electric bike SEEMED like a good idea because the electric bike people didn't include any information about how many flat tires I would get in a calendar year (12), how many of those flats would require me to walk over 5 miles with the bike (3), how many times the battery charger would fail, leaving me with a 50+ pound bike that I now had to peddle home under my own power (3), or how many times the battery pack would fail completely, leaving me without a means of transportation (2, including one still ongoing that has yet to be resolved). Whether the technology was not meant for the heavy duty use I gave it, or if the bike was just a piece of shit I leave for others to determine. Either way, the project was a failure.

But failure need not be a total loss. Doors close, windows open, and so forth. So here is the window that has opened for me: I have replaced the bike with a scooter.

_DSF8362, originally uploaded by craftj2.

The pros: it goes 2-3 times as fast as the bicycle, it uses time-tested internal combustion engine technology, and it is super cool. My transformation into a European-style liberal elitist hippie snob is now complete.

The cons: it is moderately less green than the electric bike (60-80 mpg vs. electric charge from windmills in the Texas panhandle), it required me to get a motorcycle endorsement on my license that cost me a weekend in a motorcycle safety course, and I'm probably 10-15% more likely to kill myself on it than on the bike.

You want to see it from behind, don't you? Of course you do. Perv.

_DSF8357, originally uploaded by craftj2.

It is not a Vespa. It is a Kymco People 150. It is exactly the same thing as a Vespa except 20% cheaper and they don't sell it out of a Ferrari dealership. (Important shopping tip: if you are in the market for an affordable vehicle, the Ferrari dealership should not be your first stop.)

Oh, and you know who loves this thing? THE LADIES. Don't believe me? Check out this piece I picked up.

_DSF8338, originally uploaded by craftj2.

NICE.

NFL Expert Picks: Week 9

2009-11-06T15:08:37Z

So that's two weeks in a row where I haven't gotten any picks correct in the late Sunday games. So what...who cares? (Apparently I care.) This week is a big week for a lot of teams. Depending on the outcome of some of these games, we might know right now which teams are going to be in the playoffs. I'll give my picks, but I suggest that you pick against them.

Washington Redskins vs. Atlanta Falcons (-10.0)
Well the Saints got another favorable call last week in their win over the Falcons. Regardless though, the Falcons are the #2 team in the NFC South and are on course for a Wild Card berth. The Redskins are coming off of their Bye, but this isn't an ideal match-up. Washington might hang around for a bit, but I'll take Atlanta and the ten point spread.
Confidence Points: 12

Arizona Cardinals vs. Chicago Bears (-3.0)
It looks like Arizona is going to stay in first place in the NFC West, even though both the 49ers and Seahawks aren't too far behind. This team is very volatile. After a great game on the road against the Giants, they got beat down by the Panthers. The Bears are another team that I have questions about. They beat the teams they're supposed to and lose against the good teams. This is a game between two evenly matched teams in my opinion, but I think Arizona is due for another good game so I'm picking the Cardinals.
Confidence Points: 8

Baltimore Ravens (-3.0) vs. Cincinnati Bengals
This is an odd spread for me to understand. A few weeks ago the Bengals beat the Ravens in Baltimore. Wouldn't you then think that they would be the favorite at home? I guess this is due to the Ravens' defense looking a lot better last week when they beat the previously undefeated Broncos. Cincinnati had their Bye last week after destroying the Bears, so I don't know why people are down on them. I think the winner of this game is heading to the playoffs and I've been impressed with the Bengals this season so I'm going with them.
Confidence Points: 1

Houston Texans vs. Indianapolis Colts (-9.0)
The Texans are 5-3 and are in second place in the AFC South...second to Indy. The Colts looked a little off last week hosting the 49ers, scoring their only touchdown on a halfback option pass. After a shaky start, the Texans are looking better. I don't think that they can beat the Colts on the road, but I think 9 points is a little too much, especially after last week for the Colts. I'll probably be proved wrong and the Colts will romp, but I'm taking the Texans to lose, but by less than 9.
Confidence Points: 2

Miami Dolphins vs. New England Patriots (-10.5)
The Dolphins had TWO 100-yard kickoff returns for a touchdown last week against the Jets, and still barely won. The Dolphins' Wild Cat looked good last year against the Pats, but with the Patriots coming off of their Bye I'm sure they spent a lot of time on defense working against it. I'm also sure the Dolphins will show some new looks, but New England playing too good right now. It's a lot of points, but I like the Patriots to cover (as long as they can play good kickoff return defense).
Confidence Points: 6

Green Bay Packers (-9.5) vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
This game is known as the Battle of the Bays. Although "battle" might not be the correct term for this game. The Packers lost a tough game at home against Brett Favre last week, but now that's over there isn't a better bounce-back team than the Bucs. People have said that the UFL's Florida Tuskers could beat the Bucs head-to-head and I'd agree with that. This team has a good chance of going winless. The 9.5 points are a joke to me. Green Bay will be up by more than that halfway through the first quarter. The Packers win big in Tampa.
Confidence Points: 13

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Jacksonville Jaguars (-6.5)
Remember when the Jags were favored by like 10 points hosting the Rams after they lost 41-0 the week before against the Seahawks? Yeah...I didn't think so. Well it happened and the Rams lost in overtime. Here we are again, with the Jags favored at home after getting blown out by the previously winless Titans. WTF!? Just based on that, I take Kansas City.
Confidence Points: 4

Carolina Panthers vs. New Orleans Saints (-13.5)
The Panthers salvaged whatever is left of their season with an impressive win in Arizona last weekend. The Saints (as noted before) again got a little help from the zebras. This could be a trap game for New Orleans and dare I say the Panthers pull off the upset in New Orleans? Oops, that's italicized, so I doubt it. The Saints having to win by two touchdowns tempts me to pick Carolina, but I've been burned by not picking New Orleans almost every week, so I pick the Saints to cover.
Confidence Points: 9

Detroit Lions vs. Seattle Seahawks (-10.0)
This might be another bore-fest between two pretty bad teams. Detroit comes off losing to a team that hadn't won a game in over a full calender year. The Seahawks laid an egg (get it) in Dallas last week, when I thought they were a little better than that. Since Seattle is a home, and they are better than the Lions, I'll take the Seahawks, even with the 10 point spread.
Confidence Points: 10

San Diego Chargers vs. New York Giants (-4.5)
This is a big game for both teams. If San Diego loses, I can't see them getting into the playoffs this season. If the Giants lose, it'll be really tough for them to get in. I think the Giants could still get it because they have games against Atlanta, Dallas, and Philly. But if the Giants lose this game then they'll go into their Bye on a four game losing streak and basically telling everyone that they are a mediocre team at best. In my mind this is going to be a close game, and the Giants have proven to win close games. Based on that, I'm taking New York, but on the other hand, if it's a close game, they might not cover. Just some food for thought.
Confidence Points: 5

Tennessee Titans vs. San Fransisco 49ers (-4.0)
Well the Titans got their first win last week against the Jags under previously suicidal quarterback Vince Young. Now they head to San Fransisco, a team that's been close in a few games, but hasn't gotten the victory in their last few games. This is a must win for the 49ers if they want to stay close with the Cardinals and I think San Fransisco sends Mr. Young back to the psych ward.
Confidence Points: 11

Dallas Cowboys vs. Philadelphia Eagles (-3.0)
This is the battle for the NFC East. A lot of people left both of these teams for dead a few weeks ago and crowned the Giants the division champions. Well that was premature ejaculation. The Eagles destroyed the Cowboys in the season finale last season, sending the Eagles to the playoffs and knocking out the Cowboys. A lot of people think that this is a revenge game for Big D. I think it's going to be a trend game. Philly loses games in November while Dallas wins. Then in December Dallas loses while Philly wins. Therefore, I pick Dallas and predict the Eagles get revenge later in the season.
Confidence Points: 3

Pittsburgh Steelers (-3.0) vs. Denver Broncos
The Broncos got handled last week in Baltimore. I said I was on the Broncos bandwagon until they lost, and now I think I'm jumping off and switching to the Steelers'. Pittsburgh is coming off its Bye and is ready for a smash-mouth football game, which I think this will be. Denver can afford to lose another game and still be in control in the AFC West, whereas Pittsburgh has to worry about Baltimore and the Bengals. Three points on the road isn't enough to sway me from going with the Steelers.
Confidence Points: 7

Listen: "Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z (feat. Alicia Keys)

2009-11-05T18:28:04Z

I had but one disappointment last night, as the Yankees won the 2009 World Series in front of their home fans in their new ballpark. And that disappointment was with the person who decided that the song to play as the Yankees dogpiled on each other at the mound was "We Are The Champions" by Queen.

"W.A.T.C." belongs to the era of embarrassingly literal music lyrics that was the 80s. The aughts are almost over, person making music decisions at Yankee Stadium! If you aren't going to get with them now, you never will. This is the song that should have scored the moment.

I know you've heard of the song, because Jay-Z and Alicia Keys performed it before Game 2. And I know you have the music, because it played before every Derek Jeter at-bat! Derek Jeter is a man who is musically of the moment. Also he now has a huge ceremonial phallus.

Let's hear it for New York, New York, New Yooooooooooooooooooooooork!!

Derek Jeter celebrates this championship in his own special way

2009-11-05T05:20:36Z

jesse

The Obscure NFL Power Rankings - Week Eight

2009-11-05T01:55:25Z

Yeah, these are late. So what, who cares? *tugs at shoulders of his sweater* But seriously, does anybody actually care?

I'm watching the World Series right now, so you'll get no meaningful commentary from me. Just lots of

WHO'S YOUR DADDY *clap* *clap* *clap clap clap*
WHO'S YOUR DADDY *clap* *clap* *clap clap clap*
WHO'S YOUR DADDY *clap* *clap* *clap clap clap*

Rank (LW)	Team	Record	Comments
1 (1)		7-0	Their final 9 games include 2 against Carolina, 2 against Tampa Bay, and one each against the Redskins and Rams.
2 (2)		7-0	Not quite a bold prediction: Peyton Manning will win the MVP award this season over Drew Brees.
3 (4)		5-2	Strange, but the meeting with the 3-4 Dolphins this week is pivotal to the AFC East race.
4 (7)		7-1	Why did Favre want to go to the Vikings? Here's a hint: in their last 8 games, there is exactly one potential cold weather matchup (at Chicago on December 28). Thanks, dome!
5 (5)		5-2	Does anyone else think Carson Palmer looks like a lumberjack?

6 (6)	5-2	With the recent collapse of the Ravens, the Steelers once again find themselves in position to take the AFC North.
7 (3)	6-1	Much like the Saints exposed how to beat the Giants, the Ravens exposed how to beat the Broncos: play the short pass and wait for Kyle Orton to beat you deep.
8 (11)	5-2	Huge game against the Eagles for the NFC East lead Sunday night. I'll be rooting for the terrorists.
9 (10)	5-3	Last week: "Owen Daniels is arguably the best tight end in the league right now." Daniels is likely done for the season with an injury. On the bright side, the Texans are 2 games over .500 for the first time. Ever.
10 (13)	5-2	The Eagles scored 14 points in the final 2 minutes of the game on Sunday against the Giants.
11 (15)	4-3	The Ravens defense decided to show up against Denver.
12 (18)	4-3	Growl.
13 (12)	4-3	Alot of Atlanta fans missed the end of the game Monday night after throwing their remotes through the television when that bogus holding call kept the Saint's final drive alive to seal the game.
14 (16)	4-3	The Chargers are 4-0 against teams with losing records at 0-3 against teams with winning records.
15 (20)	3-4	The Dolphins are 3-0 in the AFC East, and 0-4 elsewhere.
16 (14)	3-4	The Curse of Crabtree continues.
17 (8)	4-3	Last week: "Fucking Cardinals. Watch them get blown out next week. I didn't even look up who they are playing." Sometimes this game is too predictable.
18 (9)	5-3	BLURGHGHGHGHG
19 (17)	4-3	After the Vikings scored their first touchdown Sunday, there was an audible sound as every sphincter in the stadium tightened at once.
20 (19)	4-4	The first time I did these rankings I didn't even have the Jets on the list. And you know what? That felt right.
21 (25)	3-4	Panthers coaches finally figured out that they have a great running game and a horrible quarterback (44 rushes against only 15 passes in their win over the Cardinals).
22 (21)	3-4	With apologies to Arizona and Houston fans, this is the most schizophrenic team in the league.
23 (22)	2-5	What's the sound a Seahawk makes as its dying? I'm guess it sounds kind of like "Hasselbeck."
24 (24)	3-5	One day soon we'll be saying, "Remember when the Toronto Bills used to play in Buffalo?"
25 (26)	2-6	Not a good year to be a pirate themed football team.
26 (28)	1-6	Not a good year to be an American Indian themed football team.
27 (32)	1-6	Vince Young came out of his hole and won the game, which means 6 more weeks of winter.
28 (31)	0-7	Last week: "I am thisclose to picking the Lions in my suicide pool next week against the Rams." I dodged that bullet when Daytrader informed me Sunday morning that Calvin Johnson was out for the Lions. Phew.
29 (27)	1-6	Does it bother anybody else that the Browns helmet appears to be orange?
30 (23)	1-6	I BELIEVED IN YOU, DETROIT. sniffle I believed in you.
31 (29)	2-5	On the bright side, the new rule forbidding fans from bringing signs to Redskins games that criticize the team means that the Redskins still have fans!
32 (32)	0-7	Ahoy.

I bet this album has some great beats*

2009-11-03T21:34:56Z

Welcome aboard my spaceship. I want you to make yourselves at home. Just relax, I'm not actually going to hit you with this guitar. I don't know where you'd get a crazy idea like that. Oh, right, that. See, that's why I keep the guitar in my human hand. My robot hand can get a little out of control. Look what its doing now! It's spraying some futuristic graffiti that appears to be made out of a T-1000 all over enormous porthole of my spaceship. Although I do like that the graffiti actually says "Graffiti." Its very meta, don't you think?

Boy, it sure is bright out here in space. Did you remember your sunglasses? I remembered mine. I always keep them next to my black Lycra bodysuit and leather boots. Although I can't remember where I put the laces for my boots. My morning routine still needs some work. Anyway, enjoy your stay here, small cartoon band of monsters.

*get it? cause of how he beat Rihanna. Jokes.

5 reasons the World Series is not over (now 2004 ALCS reference free!)

2009-11-02T18:37:27Z

With Johnny Damon and the Yanks stealing Game 4 last night after it appeared to be lost, there is one common theme running through the sports commentariat vis a vis this World Series: its over, folks.

They rely, as baseball men are wont to do, on the massive backlog of statistical data at their disposal. Teams that lead the World Series 3-1 have won 36 of 42 such matchups. No team has come back from 3-1 since the Kansas City Royals in 1985, 24 years ago. No team has come back from 3-1 while winning games 6 and 7 on the road, as the Phillies must now do, since the 1979 Pirates (yes, the Pirates were once in the World Series! And won it!)

But this seems like alot of chickens are being counted before they've hatched. Or, in the parlance of the Suze, "Chickens!! Chickens everywhere!!!" A 7 game series is not over until one of the teams has won 4 games. Here are 5 reasons for the Phillies to hope that team might be them.

1. Cliff Lee

If the stats on 3-1 series are grim, the stats on 3-2 series are less so. I don't actually know what they are, but they have to be, right? And Cliff Lee's total pwnage of the Yankees in Game 1 should give every Philly fan plenty of reason to believe this series will be headed back to New York.

2. Ryan Howard

He is 3 for 17 (.176) with 0 home runs, 1 RBI, 1 run, 0 walks, and 10 strikeouts. He is too good a player for this to continue for the entire series. Ryan Howard's bat will have a thing or two to say before this is over.

3. The Yankees bullpen

Here are the stats for Yankee relievers not named Mariano Rivera in this World Series:

4.5 IP, 6 ER, 12.0 ERA, 2 HR

Here is why it is about to become much more important: every Yankee starter from here on out, including 37-year-old Andy Pettitte, will be throwing on short rest. If the series goes 7, then we will see the soft, fleshy underbelly of the Yankees bullpen for at least 6 more innings this postseason.

4. These things have a way of balancing themselves out

A protruding camera turns an A-Rod double into a 2-run home run. Johnny Damon steals two bases on a single pitch. Two huge, flukey plays that helped swing two games in Philadelphia to the Yankees side. That door can swing both ways. I don't know what might happen, but stay tuned.

5. Okay, okay, it has to be said: the Yankees blew the 2004 ALCS with a 3-1 lead

Now excuse me while I throw myself down an elevator shaft.

You know who else didn't like instant replay? HITLER.

2009-10-30T21:22:50Z

This has got to be it, right? This postseason has to be the straw that breaks Bud Selig's immovability on the subject. His sport is becoming a fraud. After spending the first two rounds of the playoffs talking as much about the blown calls by the umps as the game on the field, last night was another umpiring apocalypse.

Blown call #1: The Yankees have runners on first and second with one out. Johnny Damon hits a liner down the first base line. Philly 1st baseman Ryan Howard snags the ball thisclose to the ground. Jorge Posada, who was on first, has advanced to second. After the grab, Howard immediately throws down wide of second base. Jimmy Rollins tracks it down and, while Posada stands and claps on 2nd base, he is tagged. Double play. What happened? The 1st base umpire ruled that the ball was caught on the fly, and Damon was out. Also, that means Posada needed to tag up, so he was called out. A potential back breaking rally was snuffed out.

It was also the wrong call. Daytrader, who I was on the phone with at the time because we are like 12 year old girls when sports are on, immediately called that it was a trap instead of a catch. But even more damning evidence were the actions of Howard. Why was he even throwing to second base? If he had caught it, he would have just trotted over to first and tagged the base to double up Posada. He threw down to second trying to start a double play, because he knew he trapped the ball.

This highlighted portion is important, because umpire apologists will say that, if we had instant replay, we wouldn't have known where to put the runner. In fact, Buck Showalter tried to make this case on SportsCenter last night after the game. I don't have an exact quote, but it went something like this: "If we go back in the replay and find that the wrong call was made, we still have to decide where to put the runners. Since the play might have unfolded differently if a different call was made on the field, then our best choice is to stick with the demonstrably wrong result of an inning-ending double play."

Buck, there is a reason that two teams have won the World Series immediately after you left: you are a fucking moron. Howard reacted exactly as if the ball was not caught by throwing to second. If he had attempted to pretend he caught it and doubled Posada up, then you would have a decision to make. This is not what happened.

And even if it had, maybe we wouldn't have gotten the perfect result, but we wouldn't have gotten a definitely, awfully wrong result. STUPID STUPID BUCK SHOWALTER.

But it happened, and the Phillies came up to bat, which resulted in...

Blown call #2: Mariano Rivera is pitching to Chase Utley with runners on 1st and 2nd with one out. Utley grounds a ball to Yankees 2nd baseman Cano, who spins and throws to Jeter for the out and second. Jeter then fires the ball down to Teixeira at first for an inning ending 4-6-3 double play. Except...

...yup, you guessed it, Utley beat the throw down the line by half a step, as clearly visible on instant replay. Which leads to the 2nd stupid defense of no instant replay: the makeup call.

See, the umps fixed it! They made it fair for everybody by screwing up twice. Hear that kids? Two wrongs make a right! Now go punch your sister because she just spilled your juice.

The only defense left about keeping instant replay out is that sucky umpires are somehow "part of the game." You know what else was part of the game? Not letting black people play was part of the game. That's right, I'm playing the race card. If you don't want instant replay in baseball, then YOU ARE A RACIST. You don't want to be a racist, do you?

The real reason that we never had instant replay is because the technology was never good enough. But now we have widescreen, hi-def, slo-mo video of every play from 17 angles. We can see the game better than the umps. Even they will admit it. And when the umps admit that they can no longer do their jobs, it is time to make a change.

NFL Expert Picks: Week 8

2009-10-30T14:28:08Z

OK...so last week I was perfect in the early games. But then I was wrong on all of the late games. So what...who cares? This week features a lot of nice underdog picks. However favorites have been consistently covering the spread every week, regardless of how ridiculously large the spreads are.

I also went 0-2 in my bold predictions last week. (Although I should get half a point for that Miami pick.) I don't know if I'll be so bold this week, but perhaps another italicized pick might slant out of the page.

Houston Texans (-3.0) vs. Buffalo Bills
In a relatively weak AFC this season, the Texans are in a good spot to make the playoff run everyone has been talking about. However, they probably will suck in December like they do every year and miss out. But it's not December yet and this spread is ridiculously low for a Buffalo team that hasn't beaten anyone worthwhile, so the Texans get my pick.
Confidence Points: 13

Cleveland Browns vs. Chicago Bears (-13.0)
This is a spread that is way too high in my opinion. The Bears have LOST their last two games (granted both on the road) and the Browns are TERRIBLE. If Green Bay beats the Vikings and the Bears win, they're right back in the NFC North, but I smell a trap game here. The Bears may win, but I like Cleveland to cover.
Confidence Points: 8

Seattle Seahawks vs. Dallas Cowboys (-9.5)
Dallas gets a mediocre team at home and that should mean a win. They looked awfully impressive last week in beating the Falcons and the odds-makers proved me wrong yet again. The Seahawks are a team that either shows up and dominates or goes away fast. But Dallas has had a few hiccups in games like this. I think their win last week raises their confidence too much and the Seattle show up for this game.
Confidence Points: 7

St. Louis Rams vs Detroit Lions (Off(0))
This will be the game that nobody watches. I don't know this for a fact, but I imagine that this will be blacked out in Detroit for not having a sell out. So that means the only people that will get this game are people in the St. Louis market. The funny thing is that I think this will be an exciting game. There will be lots of turnovers and probably some big plays. I think the Rams are due for a victory, but honestly I have no idea...everything I've just said is probably complete bullshit.
Confidence Points: 3

San Fransisco 49ers vs. Indianapolis Colts (-12.0)
There isn't much to say about this one. The 49ers have been struggling (although I think they have found a QB in Alex Smith), and the Colts are on complete cruise control. Perhaps the spread is a little high, but since it's in Indianapolis I'm going with the Colts.
Confidence Points: 11

Miami Dolphins vs. New York Jets (-3.0)
I've been trying to figure out why the Jets and Giants are playing at the same time. Is there another obscure Jewish holiday that starts at sundown like there was last time? But then I realized that this Sunday's Jewish holiday is Yom Brett Favre. The New York market wouldn't get to see the Viking-Packer game if the Jets played in the late game, therefore the NFL decided to put the two New York teams up against each other. Anyway, back to this game. The Jets looked great in Oakland and for a half Miami looked great against the Saints. These two teams met up a few weeks ago and Miami gave the Jets a heavy dose of the Wildcat. I think it's too soon for these two to play again and this time the Jets will be ready and will prevail.
Confidence Points: 1

New York Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles (NL)
This is game one of NY vs. Philly on Sunday and this one is almost as important. The winner takes control of the NFC East (Dallas may also be in the picture) and would be a legitimate win for either team. The Giants are coming off of two losses to two very good teams and the Eagles are 1-1 against two very bad teams. I don't know how into this game the Philly fans will be with the World Series game coming up later in the day, and Brian Giant-killer Westbrook is a little banged up (although he always seems to be beat up). The road team has been winning the games the last few times these teams have hooked up, so I'm going with New York.
Confidence Points: 4

Denver Broncos vs. Baltimore Ravens (-3.5)
Again this is a spread that I question. The Ravens have lost three in a row and by the way the Broncos are UNDEFEATED. But the Ravens are coming off of a Bye and maybe they've figured out their defense. That said, I'm not picking against the Broncos until they show me that I should, so Denver gets the pick.
Confidence Points: 5

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Tennessee Titans (-3.0)
This spread CANNOT be right. The Titans are WINLESS. I know they're coming off of their Bye, but starting Vince Young is not going to magically give the Titans a win. The Jags aren't a great team, but they are better than the Titans. I'm not picking the Titans until they win a game, so go with Jacksonville.
Confidence Points: 10

Oakland Raiders vs. San Diego Chargers (-16.5)
Vegas is BEGGING you to pick the Raiders. Sixteen and a half points for a 3-3 team going up against a 2-4 team is ridiculous! And Oakland almost beat the Chargers in Week 1! That doesn't phase me...I'm going with San Diego even with their shitload of points.
Confidence Points: 6

Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers (-3.0)
Ah, the game that has been giving FOX a hard-on since the beginning of August. Brett Favre returns to Green Bay. Do they boo or cheer? I say cheer. As for the game, both teams are pretty evenly matched. Here's the deal-breaker for me: Brett Favre is going to be extra pumped for the game, all 53 Packers are going to be pumped for this game. 53 > 1 ==> Packers get the pick.
Confidence Points: 9

Carolina Panthers vs. Arizona Cardinals (-10.0)
Last year in the playoffs the Cardinals exposed the weaknesses of Jake Delhomme and he had a pick-fest and the questions started. Since then he has continued to play poorly and the questions continued. On Sunday the questions will end and so will Delhomme's job as starting quarterback of the Panthers. If Carolina losses they're virtually out of the playoff picture and it will be time to look towards the future and see what else they have at that position. The Cardinals are back to Superbowl form and will win big.
Confidence Points: 12

Atlanta Falcons vs. New Orleans Saints (-10.0)
The Falcons fell apart in Dallas last week and now have a probably more difficult task this week on the road in New Orleans. The Saints would have lost that game last week in Miami if the Dolphins continued running their Wildcat offense in the second half. The only thing the Saints haven't done is play a divisional game. This will be their first one and these are the games they need to win. They might get the win, but I like Atlanta to bounce back and at least cover.
Confidence Points: 2

5 key matchups for World Series Game 2

2009-10-29T17:20:55Z

1. Pedro Martinez vs. WHO'S YOUR DADDY?! *clap* *clap* *clap clap clap*

When the Yankees were getting blown out of the building to cap off the ugliness that was the 2004 ALCS, there was one bright, shining moment during the game, when the stadium once again came alive, and hope was allowed to enter the heart of Yankee nation. That moment was when, late in the game, the outcome all but assured, Pedro Martinez came in from the bullpen. The crowd immediately erupted into the who's your daddy chant, Pedro gave up 3 (ultimately meaningless) runs before being yanked, and there was a flicker of hope and joy.

I guess Charlie Manuel didn't see that game?

2. Alex Rodriguez vs. incredibly impatient Yankee fans

Sure, we wouldn't be in the World Series without you, but what have you done for me lately? After an 0-for-4 that included 3 meek strikeouts, A-Rod is one bad game (and an 0-2 Series hole) away from once again wearing the Chokemaster General's ceremonial vestments. Does it matter that the whole team not named Jeter sucked a big fatty last night? Of course it doesn't.

3. Nick Swisher vs. seriously, this is just getting sad now

It isn't even his fault. If you are at the park, and you are trying to play softball, only some retarded kid comes running onto the field and starts doing laps around the bases while falling down and clapping, its natural to get mad at the kid. But the seventh time he does it, you gotta ask, where is this kid's parents? He obviously can't help himself. Joe Girardi, please get Nick Swisher off the field so he can stop embarrassing himself.

4. Jose Molina vs. Jorge Posada

With the Yankees offense already running on horrible smelling fumes, does Girardi let AJ Burnett have his personal catcher who hits like a little girl wearing a tutu at a tea party for nancies, or does he tell him to suck it up and stop pretending he can tell Hispanic people apart?

5. Phil Hughes vs. the strike zone

Hughes' line from last night: 0.0 IP, 2 R, 2 ER, 0 H, 2 BB, 2 batters faced. For his World Series career, you need to use limit notation to show is ERA. As a matter of fact, here it is:

Krumptastic!

2009-10-28T15:27:02Z

So You Think You Can Dance is back, and while I don't intend to cover every episode in the excruciating detail that I did over the summer, I wanted to call your attention to something.

That something is named Russell. He is the first ever krumper to make the top 20. And he is incredible. Please to enjoy the following video of his Boston audition (I'd hoped to post his solo last night, but the video wasn't yet available). At first you will want to laugh at Tyce and Nigel making their stank faces while they watch him, but then you will realize that you, too, are making a stank face. You cannot help it.

The Obscure NFL Power Rankings - Week Seven

2009-10-28T02:11:16Z

Welcome to Week 7 of the NFL. The season is almost over! I think I just shed a tear. Okay, that tear might be because of the Giants' performance over the last two weeks.

The Saints retain their top spot, but the Colts and Saints are really 1 and 1a. How good are the Colts? The undefeated talk has already begun. In fact, I think I'm beginning it.

At the bottom, a pair of 0-7 teams are fighting for the bottom spot. But who is really the worst team in the league? I smell a bold prediction!

Rank (LW)	Team	Record	Comments
1 (1)		6-0	The Saints showed resilience in coming back against the Dolphins, but they also showed their vulnerabilities.
2 (2)		6-0	The Colts, on the other hand, haven't shown a single crack the armor. They'll be 8-0 when they meet the Patriots on Sunday Night Football. If they get through that game, it might be time to start talking about 16-0.
3 (4)		6-0	Will the Broncos be able to keep their streak going when they visit a suddenly desperate Ravens team next week?
4 (5)		5-2	Insert joke about Patriots invading England here.
5 (8)		5-2	The Bengals shook off last week's loss in a big way against the Bears.

6 (9)	5-2	The Steelers look like they might finally be shaking off their Super Bowl hangover.
7 (3)	6-1	It was in the 50s on Sunday, and Old Man Favre was already showing the effects of the cold. That is not a good sign for the Vikings.
8 (10)	4-2	Fucking Cardinals. Watch them get blown out next week. I didn't even look up who they are playing.
9 (7)	5-2	The talk of the first 5 games was how well the Giants receivers were playing in the absense of Plaxico Burress. The last two games have seen this young group take a major step back. On my scrotum.
10 (15)	4-3	Owen Daniels is arguably the best tight end in the league right now.
11 (19)	4-2	They still need to beat a good team on the road before I give them anything resembling a real chance at contending this year.
12 (6)	4-2	I'm confused?
13 (17)	4-2	BOO PHILLIES GO YANKEES
14 (11)	3-3	San Fransisco is 0-2 since signing Michael Crabtree after a surprising 3-1 start. And he hasn't even played in a game yet!
15 (13)	3-3	Quoth the Ravens, "What the fuck happened the last three games?"
16 (16)	3-3	The Bolts look to have shaken off their early season slump. But with Denver out to a 3 game lead in the division, is it too late?
17 (18)	4-2	Forget all the noise about Brett Favre's homecoming: next week is a must win for the Packers if they want to win the NFC North.
18 (12)	3-3	From Week 5's power rankings: "With games coming up at Atlanta and at Cincinatti, they could easily be back down to .500 in two weeks."
19 (20)	4-3	Whatever.
20 (14)	2-4	Miami played another great game against a top team. Don't count them out just yet.
21 (21)	3-3	Rawr!
22 (22)	2-4	Squawk!
23 (23)	1-5	Rawr.
24 (27)	3-4	Is Trent Green's career done? He's had two concussions and he's only 23.
25 (24)	2-4	The Panthers still have the same great running game as last year. Their reason for a poor start is entirely due to Jake Delhomme.
26 (25)	2-5	So what quarterback will the Raiders be drafting next year? JaMarcus Russell has the 34th worst QB rating in the league. 34th! THERE ARE ONLY 32 TEAMS!! (this is not a joke, this is actually true)
27 (26)	1-6	The only QB with a rating worse than JaMarcus? Derek Anderson.
28 (28)	1-6	Do you think Kansas City fans are insulted by the insinuation that there are 4 teams in the league worse than them?
29 (29)	2-5	BOLD PREDICTION ALERT: Washington will lose the rest of their games this season to finish 2-14 (bold prediction record: 1-1, 1 pending)
30 (32)	0-6	Having a bye week was the best thing that could happen to this team. Now if only they could have ten more of them.
31 (30)	0-7	I am thisclose to picking the Lions in my suicide pool next week against the Rams. That's how bad they are. I would think about picking a team on a 1-20 streak to win in a SUICIDE POOL against them.
32 (31)	0-7	In their defense, losing a home game to "host" the Patriots in London is stupid.