The Obscure News

TON #020 - Bhangra

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 14:39:31 -0500

Greetings, obscurantists!

This week the Obscure News gives you the low down on better living through chemistry. Get high on the cornucopia of obscure facts laced throughout our latest edition. If you are not already hip or hip enough, then get hip and hipper!

Find out:

* how to make recreational drugs
* how to sell recreational drugs
* how to contact the recreational drug association (RDA)
* how to get shorty
* how to drink or smoke until the money's gone
* how to ruin a marriage and blame it on your kids (hint: get yourself a bong)
* how to call attention to yourself (tip: take LSD as part of a clinical trial at Timothy Leary's Harvard, go home early, stop at a diner, enjoy your meal and lick the plate clean when you're done
* how to avert, well-okay, how to take the edge off a mid-life crisis (may involve THC, nicotine, alcohol, and caffeine)
* how to write a term paper backwards
* how to spot a plain clothes cop on the street (hint: it's all in the dental plan)

Then, find out why Yolanda's not getting high.

TON #019 - Under The Weather

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Tue, 2 Oct 2007 19:32:35 -0500

Greetings, obscurantists, to season 4 of The Obscure News!

Ready for some metaphysical weather!?! Weather that will transport you, cleanse you, and knock the bottle of Listerine off your bathroom shelf, activating the pump. Pile up those sandbags outside the door and tune in!

Have a listen. Follow our heroines on their harrowing, ten-mile bike trip through hail, lightning, fallen trees, and underpasses with rat-infested water edging up to their knees. This stuff is so real it could change your life, emancipate you from your old way of pre-storm thinking.

Try it out. If you, at the end of the evaluation period, find that you still think that a storm is just a storm, that's okay. Just remember that, sooner or later, the storm breaks. Besides, disaster's good for business.

After you dry out by the fire, come join us next week when Yolanda returns!

Newsflash - Happy Headed No

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 14:10:35 -0500

This first news flash is a psychic booster shot. Remember that whole Imus thing? Aren't you glad we're over and done with that? Yeah? You really think so? Better hi thine ass over to this podcast for a little catharsis.

TON #018 - Cowboy Diplomacy

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:10:35 -0500

Come punch doggies at the not-so-OK corral and sing a little ti-yi-yippe-ti-yi-yea with us! This is the last issue of the Spring season but don't despair: it's a good 'un.

In this issue, we blow the roof off of the white house. See George W. play good cop president, bad cop president. Get to know his sensitive, sincere side. Walk a mile in his shoes (bring your Kevlar). What if you had a chance to rock Laura's world? Do you want to be the decider, punk, well do you? Get a peek behind the abaya and the ritual of survival. What's the last word in toilet seat etiquette? Find out about Dick Cheney's special diet.

TON #017 - Traffic School

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Tue, 3 Apr 2007 11:25:09 -0500

The Obscure News takes you to traffic school to help you truck on down the Highway of Life.

Learn the ins and outs of emotional driving, when to flip out, when to keep your cool, when to change the radio station. Take heed! Most accidents are caused by emotion. Be careful where you emote or you might have an accident. Be careful with whom you emote or you might have an accident.

Follow the adventures of traffic girl as she suffers the slings and arrows of traffic jams, traffic accidents and loathsome mispronunciations of geographical landmarks. Can we at least once say Hubbard Street Tunnel, please, just for the old-timers?

Watch as her romance crashes into a flaming heap right as she's on shift at the radio station. Are those tears or just a bad cold? She gets her bad boy radar going but soon the bad boys will have bad boy radar detectors, traffic girl, so watch out.

When you're in school don't forget to check D) all the above.

Don't laugh at the player in the Prius with the 20 inch speakers 'cause he can drive mo' fo he can drive.

Yolanda's dream damn near destroys her life and Mr. Causeway and Ms. Stephens don't help either. Carlos is still in the stir and Raymond is still out there.

The Obscure News traffic school issue will drive you sane!

TON #016 - Doctor Doom - Pimpology

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 09:39:58 -0500

Doom 2, Pimpology is in the house! Here we go, people! Doctor Doom returns for more of his perilous hijinks and takes on a more sinister form (or should I say "forms"?). Keep a careful eye on him or he might morph on you!

Doctor Doom lurks in your room, crouching like a dragon Waiting to steal the children's mutts While the wild west churns in your guts And the TV is tuned to Carl Sagan.

TON #015 - Doctor Doom

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 16:57:45 -0600

Strap yourself down on Victor Von Doom's trans-dimensional projection device (TDPD) and traverse vast metaphysical realms from Latveria to Los Angeles. Join the monarch as he visits the US on a UCLA research fellowship. Twirl your swizzle stick and sip your scotch-on-the-rocks as you watch the gorgeous agent skillfully flirt with the good doctor. Can she pervert his purpose and draw him into the heady world of entertainment where heart break and a slap in the face await?

TON #014 - Anatomy of a Punch II: the Bi-cycle of Violence

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 16:57:45 -0600

In this edition, find out: the best time to smash a Lacrosse player in the face (hint: in front of the coach), the difference between a bystander and a perp (hint: not much), and the best time to cut the old massah in two (hint: Yolanda's back!).

TON #013 - Anatomy of a Punch

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Tue, 6 Mar 2007 16:57:45 -0600

Our first issue of the spring season, Anatomy of a Punch, floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee, packing a wallop that can send you to the canvas for the eight count.
Get Obscure News tips on how to decorate your heavy bag and the best way to reclaim a yellow bike with raspberry cables. Find out how to jab and uppercut, bob and weave. The Obscure News is in your corner!

TON #012 - Ersteliebe

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 16:57:45 -0600

Our final issue of the fall season, Erste Liebe, takes you to Havana where love means never having to pull the ice pick from your thigh. Find out how you can live on just $13 a month and what love's got to do with it. Meet Yolanda on her 30th birthday. Experience the surprise of her surprise birthday party. Remember that there's always next year, including but not limited to a new season of TON and new revelations from Yolanda.

TON #011 - Racialism

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 16:57:45 -0600

Our latest issue, Racialism, digs relentlessly, ruthlessly and with strict purpose to reveal the nigger in your soul. What is it, do we teach it to the next generation, is it more common than the flu, impossible to describe like the sound of an electric guitar to a deaf man? Does it take its most common form in micro-aggression? What feeds it other than fear and a need to control? Is acne the great equalizer?

TON #010 - Musical Theatre

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Mon, 23 Oct 2006 16:57:45 -0600

Our latest issue, Musical Theatre, sings the bad, bad, bad cherry wine blues, tours the music scene in gay Paris, visits the breathless preacher at the pulpit and the thug on the West side, space-jamming and spamming his damn brain. Feel twenty-one again. Love yourself tonight and your daddy tomorrow. Catch up with Yolanda and an old crush on a bus.

TON #009 - Petty Theft

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Mon, 16 Oct 2006 16:57:45 -0600

Our latest issue, Petty Theft, goes pod noir and explores the seedier side of the human soul, the dark lump of coal in our breast that makes us steal burgers and bras. Freshen up on butternut squash ice cream and some somatic chutzpah. Smile with Yolanda when she helps niece, Lakesha, discover "the snap". Despair with Yolanda as she changes prices for the despicable Mr. Causeway.

TON #008 - Nature Gone Wild!

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Sun, 8 Oct 2006 16:57:45 -0600

Our latest issue, Nature Gone Wild!, puts you in a front row seat while nature gets its funk on. Bears doing the Jehovah's Witness thing, chincillas pleasuring themselves, a caged bird that grooves on its G-spot, migratory birds crashing into the plated glass of skyscrapers at the crack of dawn and drowning ducks: it's all there! Oh, yeah, Yolanda sorts out little miss puppy ass.

TON #007 - Pretty Good Night

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Mon, 2 Oct 2006 22:39:45 -0600

Pretty Good Night looks at flashers, men who expose themselves, and their victims. Check out the girls checking out the bars on Diversity street and Yolanda's encounter with the Great White African Queen.

Find out who is making sacrifices to Elvis and his twin and what voodoo has to do with Mr. Clean.

TON #006 - The Lord Went Wham

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Mon, 8 May 2006 08:39:45 -0600

The sixth issue of The Obscure News, a weekly podcast, bends your mind around the obscure whereabouts of God (yes, Him).

Also in this issue: the fate of siblings, a heart attack in church and Yolanda, who gets the shakes. Just because "God don't like ugly", should we really sue the bastard?

TON #005 - Things Suck

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Mon, 1 May 2006 18:52:16 -0600

The fifth issue of The Obscure News, a weekly podcast, delivers a pop quiz on furries and the costs of getting involved.

Ponder the imponderables: can anyone really have breasts the size of jupiter? What's the connection between character and comfortable footwear, good grammar and politics? Get Yolanda's final word on performance art and working in the warehouse.

TON #004 - Nutcase

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Mon, 24 Apr 2006 19:04:59 -0600

The fourth issue of The Obscure News, a weekly podcast, brings you up-to-date on deadly peanut shards, stepping up to the soul-o-meter, the ghost in the machine and Yolanda's run ins with art.

TON #003 - Sex Education

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 08:42:51 -0600

The third issue of The Obscure News, a weekly podcast, delivers love and sex to your aural canal.
Learn more about the twists and turns of eros, but, more importantly still, the correct technique for inflating a whoopee cushion. Find out what Yolanda has yet to mention to Raymond.

TON #002 - Sylvia

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 08:42:51 -0600

Sylvia & all the news the networks omitted

TON #001 - That Joke

theobscurenews@gmail.com — Mon, 3 Apr 2006 08:42:51 -0600

That Joke & all the news the networks omitted