He sits down with himself to figure out why he does things the way that he does.  He is nice when there is a no reason to.  He is nice even though he shouldn’t be.  He smiles and does favors for those that might and sometimes already have spit in his face.  His actions don’t have any logical base.  He himself being a very logical person understands this but doesn’t act as such.  Why?  He wonders.  Is he trying to make up for some past mistake?  Because he has plenty of bad he has done in the past but nothing that would cause him to continually punish himself by behaving like a saint.  His nice actions aren’t fake or a means to an end but more of a compelling want/need to act in a positive manner.  He has suffered for it and has missed out on opportunities on things that would have improved his life.  Because he follows this moral code of selflessness he has lost all that he had many times.  It never bothers him.  He has some internal compass that tells him that he will get whatever it is he is supposed to get back and that it was time for the old to go.  He can handle bad happening to himself but not to others.  He is unfair in his giving.  He is more than willing to give of his time, money, or energy but will not accept the same in return.  He doesn’t understand why he does what he does and doesn’t attempt to most times.  As he sits now trying to make sense of it all, he is confused.  What would happen if he did act as everyone else did?  Would he be better off?  Would it make him happier?  He plays the scenarios on and on in his head and realizes that he doesn’t care about the rewards that he might gain by being a little more selfish.  And that he probably wouldn’t enjoy acting anyway other that how he already does.  He realizes that in most cases that he is losing out on things that he could be gaining for himself but he doesn’t seem to care.  He doesn’t know why but he also doesn’t care why.  He decides that he is just following his heart and if it leads him to ruin, heartbreak, and being take advantage of then so be it.  He would regret doing anything else.

While I don’t have many details about it I can say that it will be an ebook and it will be useful for lots of people out there seeking to push themselves farther than they are now.  I’m still looking for a title that incorporated OC. Overcoming Challenges?  Nah too simple and just not “me”.  Rest assured that the title will be about as awesome as the book itself.

Any suggestions on topics I should cover?

This is from one of my new favorite sites www.scorpioseason.com

This past week the trending topic on Twitter has been #100factsaboutme. Out of boredom, I decided to tweet some facts about myself that I knew my fellow Scorpios would relate too. I never thought I would actually make it to 100, but with the help of fellow Scorpios along the way… we FINALLY made it to 100 facts! I started on March 20th and finished March 24th

A lot of people asked me to post up the 100 facts that were tweeted and here they are. Much love to the Scorpios who helped me out!

1) I’m a #Scorpio (I know.. *gasp*)

2) Most people think I’m mean but if you get to know me, I’m actually a cool person

3) I am a difficult person to get to know though LOL #Scorpios are secretive

4) You’ll never really know what I’m thinking. I could be feeling you but you wouldn’t know it

5) If I go out of my way to talk to you (rare), I either care about you, or you got something I want rofl

6) Flirting does nothing for me. Confidence=turn on, as well as other lil simple things #imnottelling

7) I think about sex more than I care to admit

8 ) It may seem like I’m picky when it comes to love, but I’m really just weeding out all the dummies

9) I don’t trust anybody completely. Not even you… (sorry)

10) I am irritable. Don’t irritate me. Thanks LOL

11) Oh, I know how to push your buttons. It’s fun.

12) I usually get what I want. I’m kinda persuasive like that

13) I don’t let many people in, because they wouldn’t understand the depth of my thoughts

14) So I keep to myself, and smile at you silly, superficial azz people

15) I’m a people watcher. I see you!

16) I like to be left alone. I need my space. Always thinking.

17) You don’t want to see me mad. Yea. Don’t do it.

18) I’m independent. Don’t need anybody. But would love to love somebody

19) If I let you in you will see that I’m one of the most downest people you’d ever meet

20) I’m a serious person but I’m funny too, I’d do anything to make you laugh, even at my own expense

21) I’m an affectionate person. Not in public though. Unless I’m in *that* kinda mood

22) I feel 1000000000 times stronger than most. But I know how to keep it together

23) I keep my friends close, and my enemies closer >:)

24) I’m nocturnal

25) You probably don’t know about it, but I have HUGE goals in life

26) You’re all bark, no bite. I’M ALL BITE #Scorpio (Don’t talk about it BE about it)

27) I’m a great multitasker..at work, home, in the bedroom (keep that in mind *wink wink*)

28) 1 of the best ways to lose me quick is to try to make me say or do something I don’t want to do

29) When we’re talking, give me your undivided attention or leave me alone

30) I will give you all of me, and I want the same in return

31) 98% of you wouldn’t be able to handle me *shrugs*

32) Keep me happy and interested, and you’ll have a loyal partner for life

33) I won’t stick around if I’m not interested. I can’t be fake, sorry.

34) Hurt my family, I’ll hurt you.. one way or another

35) WARNING: I can be addicting. When I’m gone you will experience withdrawal symptoms

36) I need someone who will support my ambition, not get in the way

37) I could be your best friend or worst enemy. Choose wisely

38) When I love, I love HARD. That’s why I tend to love few. You have to be worth it

39) I could be difficult at times. I want to see you prove that you love me

40) I’m worth it. I promise <3

41) I don’t like being bothered with questions. If you bother me, I’ll ignore you (Thanks @firexbomb!)

42) Don’t play with me. I invented this game. (Thanks @abandaq!)

43) I like to get my way, but I like it even more when there is a challenge involved (Thanks @so_HollyHood!)

44) Never show what I feel, NEVER . (Thanks @mosquiito!)

45) (We want) Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love (Thanks @pUnKrOcKpRiNc3!)

46) When we are quiet, we aren’t being arrogant we are watching and thinking everything (Thanks @PattPerez!)

47) I can sometimes forgive, but I NEVER forget (Thanks @resemo!)

48) C0MPETETI0N ? BRING IT 0N (Thanks @KEEPiT100SHOBAD!)

49) I love people, but I hate people (Thanks @ShadyRese!)

50) Darkness is a state of mind we know too well. (Thanks @FeuerkindJana!)

51) Don’t underestimate what I might know. I know everything about you! (Thanks @resemo!)

52) we have an extreme passion within us. One that you’ll probably mistake for what you think is love (Thanks @mista_drew!)

53) I don’t trust easy….so have patience…I will question you, deal with it… (Thanks @hbomb1119!)

54) I Never Let Some1 Play With My Feelings Wht So Ever! (Thanks @8one1!)

55) The only thing that can stop ME from anything I put my mind to, is ME! (Thanks @ChuckieObienu!)

56) I know I’m a bitch…thanks for the compliment. better a bitch than a doormat! (Thanks @hbomb1119!)

57) (Scorpios) likes to read people but never let anyone read their minds (Thanks @MirandaSuz!)

58) (Scorpios are) ready to have sex anywhere any time just give me a wink (Thanks @NYG804!)

59) Scorpios don’t Trust easily. It has 2B Earned (Thanks @TrgdyAnn!)

60) We’re so soft deep inside. Our outside shell betrays big time! (Thanks @nmazhar!)

61) Treat me good and I will treat you better, treat me bad and I will treat you worst (Thanks @rafacanedo!)

62) How about…I say what I want to say and I do what I want to do (Thanks @__Rad__!)

63) I don’t like being in emotional limbo. It’s all or nothing. (Thanks @pUnKrOcKpRiNc3!

64) If we fall down seven times, we’ll get up eight times. (Thanks @mayang_88!)

65) I am not going to stick around if I see you flirting with someone else

66) I can be completely into you but if you do something I really dislike, we’re done, YOU killed it

67) Once I see that other side of you, it will never be the same, I won’t forget

68) It takes a lot to hurt me but fck… when I do hurt, it hurts SO bad

69) I’m super quiet when I’m upset. Nothing you do or say will get me to smile or react. Leave me alone

70) When I love someone I make them the center of my world, I put them above all others

71) I don’t want to share you.

72) Don’t tell me what to do. If you do, I’ll most likely do the opposite

73) I’m stubborn. Once I’ve made up my mind there’s really nothing you could do. I’ll applaud your effort though

74) I’m not impressed when you brag about superficial things. Don’t throw yourself at me, it’s tacky

75) I don’t PLAY hard to get, I AM hard to get!

76) If I were to tell you what it takes to get me, I’d have to kill you

77) I like that subtle sex appeal and confidence. Nothing over the top. Don’t try too hard.

78) Lie to me and you’ll get the blank stare *_*

79) Sometimes I’ll pretend I don’t know something, to see if you’ll admit to it or bring it up

80) I’m not afraid of you, you, or YOU! Try me, I DARE you.

81) If I don’t know you or don’t like you, you don’t exist. Don’t flatter yourself thinking that you cross my mind

82) I could cut you out of my life in a split second if you cross me

83) Yea I’m a sexual person, it doesn’t mean that I’ll just sleep with ANYBODY though

84) It takes more than good looks to get me, I’m far from shallow

85) If I’m good to you, don’t take my kindness for weakness. That can change QUICKLY

86) My mood can change in the blink of an eye. Be ready?

87) It’s hard to capture my interest, and hard to keep my interest.. but once you have it, you have it all

88) Seducing… it comes natural to me

89) I know I’m driving you crazy when I *casually* touch you in public. I act innocent though

90) I’m more in control than you think I know exactly what I’m doing

91) I won’t profess my love by shouting it on a rooftop, I’ll show you it in other ways

92) I have a tight circle of friends. You’re either in or out. You’re either with me or against me

93) People always have some type of reaction [gasp/fear/interest] when I tell them I’m a #SCORPIO

94) I could be excited/sad/pissed inside but you’d never know it, unless I wanted you to know #calmexterior

95) I’m very intuitive. I can read you like a book so you can’t really surprise me #10stepsaheadofyou

96) I’m a loyal person, cheating is not an option. If I wasn’t happy with you, I’d be single!

97) I could get pretty ruthless when I’m mad :/ Nothing is off-limits

98) People usually comment on my eyes or the way I look at them “Don’t look at me like that!”

99) I’m intense, passionate, loyal, determined and intuitive

100) I can be intense, jealous & demanding but if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best

The snow falls slowly and flurries around in a slight breeze.  It lightly coats the ground surrounding him (me) sitting on a bench with is eyes closed deep in thought.  The unique sound of metal on concrete approaches him from the rear and breaks his peaceful meditation.  He opens his eyes, stands, and turns around to face this potential threat.  Walking lightly as if floating she (a lady I know) draws near dragging a kutto katana (reverse-blade sword) with a red hilt .  Her graceful walk is betrayed by her awkward yet serious stare.  His expression doesn’t change as he draws his sword instinctively ready for any danger she might present.  She slows and finally stops an arm and sword’s length away as she tightens the grip on on her sword and removes the sheath from the waistband behind her back.  Her expression is calm masking the storm brewing within and he knows that he should prepare for the worst.  Their eyes lock as they both raise their swords parallel to each other.  The snow stops falling they draw their swords back and clash.  He is impressed and surprised by her strength and even more by her speed as she strikes him in the lower ribs with her sheath while he blocks her sword.  He kicks her back to gain some space.  He knows that he maybe faster but not fast enough to fight a two-pronged attack.  Her low center of gravity also gives her an advantage in any close range encounter.  He decides that both speed and strength are the solution as he assesses the damage done to his side.  He turns and runs to a nearby tree as she gives chase.  She is faster than she was a moment ago, his plan won’t be as effective as he had hoped.  Was she toying with him?  He jumps toward the tree, braces his feet as he uses it to launch himself back toward her, sword drawn.  His hope to finish this in one strike was thwarted as she dodged his lunge with a spin and a blow to his unguarded midsection.  He winces as he feels the pain from the brunt of her sword as it hits his other side.  Theses were calculated attacks, she was dismantling him piece by piece.  His body bounces as he hits the ground sending the unsettled snow swirling. While still on the ground, the pain slows him down but only slightly as he braces for and blocks a punch to his chest.  Her power is inhuman, he thinks as he feels his left forearm crack from the force.  He becomes confused because his body goes deeper into the ground and it feels like gravity disappeared.  He then realizes that the force of her last blow broke the ground below him.  Gravity grabs him as he falls through the ground as it breaks like ice below him.  They are both falling down as she tries to speed his descent with a stomp.  He has recovered enough in the two seconds to be able to evade her foot and respond with a swipe of his sword.  Even he is surprised to see that he cut her a little above the knee.  They both get their bearings and brace themselves before hitting the ground after falling about 20 feet.  They are now in a dojo and there is no trace of the snowglobed park where this encounter began.  All confusion aside his eyes stay locked on her as he takes in his new surroundings.  She doesn’t seem to care where she is and continues her onslaught by throwing her sheath at him as she charges in with her sword.  He fractures his wrist by blocking her iron sheath with his left hand in order to be ready with his right for her attack.  As their swords clash they are in a stalemate staring at each other over their sparking swords in a test of strength.  His damaged ribs scream out against him as he forces her down on her injured knee.  He lets his sword swing down into a parry as he kicks her in the stomach.  He doesn’t waste a moment as he rushes in at her for the finishing blow.  She is still stumbling back from the kick as she braces for his attack.  As his blow comes down he aims for the left of her neck he feels his sword strike flesh and sees blood squirt.  He only has a fraction of a second to realize that he has lost.  Her left hand gushes blood from catching his blade but is avenged by her right with a swing of her sword that sends his head to the ground with a half-shocked, half-pleased look forever impressed on his face.

The events of last two years have transformed me.  The fact that I can admit this is HUGE!!! (yea with 3 “!”’s)  I write this for myself as a reminder to not forget these valuable experiences.  And like anything else that I’ve done on my own for myself, it will end up coming from my heart.  (I guess I really do love myself eh?)  I am a extreme, dramatic, powerful, and magnificent force of nature and I won’t fight myself anymore!  I accept myself, flaws and all!  I will treat myself and others with respect and not pretend to be anybody but myself! The road to get to this point was long, bumpy, and tricky but worth the ride.  This is an explanation of my journey so far so that I don’t forget (again).  Oh yea, if anybody besides me gets something out of it, that’s cool too.

Mistakes Made

Ya can’t learn from the mistakes you don’t make right?  I’ve fucked up more times than I would like to admit or would have enough time to write about so I’ll just list the main ones.  I make no excuses for making these mistakes (even if I could bring a few people down with me ).

• I lived for someone else
• I manipulated the feelings of the ones I cared the most about to get my way
• I lied to myself
• I tried to improve myself at the cost of my own being
• I used sex to keep women from leaving me
• I believed that others were better than me
• I played small to make others feel big
• I pretended to be better than what I was
• I let insecurity run my life
• I hid my true self in fear of what others thought of me
• I shaped my life around what I was told I “should” be
• I ignored my inner voice
• I pretended to love
• I’ve treated others like garbage just to see if I could
• I changed myself into someone I believed others would love
• I faked being nice to people who deserved to hear my real mean
• I blamed others for my mistakes
• I’ve tried to finish things just for the sake of finishing them
• I feared failure
• I went only 10% in life
• I accepted fear instead of love
• I let others talk down to me to help them feel better about themselves
• I cheated myself out of amazing adventures because of fear
• I’ve lied to others
• I held back emotions
• I settled
• I’ve made excuses
• I’ve tried to push my opinions as fact
• I assumed what other people where all about
• I’ve tried to stay in relationships just so I wouldn’t be alone
• I’ve gotten into relationships just for sport
• I’ve let my childhood fears and beliefs rule my adult life
• I’ve continued to punish myself for things I had no control over

Lessons Learned

I have been taught many lessons throughout my short life.  Lessons about love, life, parenting, and soooo much more.  I continue to learn lessons today and relearn lessons I forgot.  Hell I’m still learning lessons today that I was taught when I was three!  Here are most of the most important ones:

• There is no greater feeling than being yourself and enjoying all that you are
• Don’t rob others of their ability to make their own decisions by lying or manipulation
• Other people are not better than you
• No matter how you look at it, you are the shit
• Learn the difference between improving yourself and changing yourself (still learning)
• Give your all
• Don’t pretend to know what will happen
• Don’t fear the truth or the effects of it getting out
• People will always like the real you better than the fake you
• If it doesn’t benefit you or help you to get where you want to go, let it go
• Be patient
• Everything happens exactly as it should
• Just because it isn’t what you wanted, that doesn’t make it wrong
• Nobody owes you anything
• The world is cheated when you are not yourself
• Your true path is always paved with bliss
• Express your love openly
• Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever settle
• Fear is afraid of you
• Never underestimate your child
• It’s ok to be horny
• Nothing impresses someone more than not trying to impress them
• Faking helps no one but cheats all
• You don’t have to change who you are around real people
• Leave the past in the past
• Peace isn’t worth muting yourself
• Don’t be afraid to change your mind
• People will show you how much they actually care about you
• Trust your intuitions
• Fuck up, apologize, fix, and try again
• Change what you can but accept what is
• No matter what, never sacrifice yourself
• Trust others to live their life the way they want
• Judging others says more about you than those you judge
• Listen more than you talk
• Life is meant to be enjoyed
• The world is not your responsibility

This is a post from the wonderful Kelly Diels.  Author of the great blog Cleavage.

We’re never really ready.

I’m  not ready to apologize. I’m not ready for a relationship. I’m not ready for marriage. We’re not ready to have kids. I’m not ready to apply to that program/school/job/life. I’m not ready to face the truth. I’m not ready for cancer. I’m not ready to leave.

I’m not ready for this.

It might be true, but it’s an excuse and the source of your pain.

Look at that litany of excuses: they’re all talking to Reality and saying “I can’t handle you”.

But reality is a pugilist. Challenging it will only result in your own pummeling.

When I argue with reality, I beat myself. I beat myself down.

And it hurts.

There’s a difference between trying everything to change a situation and refusing to accept reality. When you’re in the battle to change or prevent something, you’re dealing with reality. You know what is and what might be and you hope – fervently, practically, actively, exhaustively - you can change it. And so you try. And maybe you succeed.

And that – trying, maybe succeeding – it precisely what “I’m not ready” prevents.

We protest our trials. We go through trials and in the arduous beginning we bemoan and protest them. But the truth is, we grow through trials and trying.

And so when I hear someone say “I’m not ready for a relationship” or “I’m not ready to be a good partner”, I think, being in a relationship is how you learn to be a partner and how you learn to love. Relationships are both the training ground and the institution. Marriage is a people-growing machine. In relationship is always life-altering. You can’t learn to swim on land.

So of course you’re not ready. Nobody is. Even when you think you’re ready, you’re probably wrong. When I decided to have children and get pregnant with my first child, I thought I was ready. And then, when she arrived as a cosmic privilege and burden, an eternal marvel and responsibility, a whole person with a buffet of needs and demands, and an instant and continuous attenuation of my own selfishness, I knew – and I know every day – that I was not ready. I was and am wrenchingly unprepared. I am – as are most parents -  not an instinctual saint equipped with The Answers but a desperately loving and flawed person striving for greatness. Striving to be a mother. Striving to be the mama she needs.

Ready is the wrong litmus test.

You only need to be willing.

And “I don’t want to” and “I’m not willing” are legitimate. “I’m not ready” is bullshit and a waiting game.

Because what are you waiting for?

That’s the question coach extraordinaire Tanya Geisler told me she heard in her head on a train in Toronto. She was thinking about our girl Adele.

(And, it seems, Adele is everyone’s girl. She’s sold out everywhere I look – and I looked in Vancouver, Seattle, Portland and San Francisco. And never before have I checked multiple cities for concert dates or been willing to fly somewhere to experience an artist.)

What if Adele believed that there was only one way to be an artist, singer and star? What if she had waited until she was a size 2 to rock our world? What if she looked at her dreams, listened to her incredible voice, and told them both: “I’m not ready”?

Or Oprah. What if she thought, “I’ll lose the weight before I go on stage”? What if she said, “I’m not ready”? She would have delayed her nation-altering, world-changing career for twenty years. For twenty years, while she could have been honing her craft and delighting her people, she would have been trying to lose the weight to get ready. She would be battling herself instead of challenging herself.

And we would be poorer for it.

You don’t have to be ready. You just have to be willing…

…or willing to be willing.

She looks into his eyes and time slows to a crawl

His eyes try to avoid her gaze, his hands clench to a ball

He knows the words that are coming all too well

Their relationship was a class and she was ringing the bell

It was his fault and he knew it and there was nothing he could do

She had made up her mind about him and he knew she was through

His heart tensed up and prepared for the blow

His mind worked out an argument and got ready to go toe-to-toe

“I’m not happy” were her words and they tore him apart

He would have rather cholesterol than this attack on his heart

So true, absolute, and painfully pure

Her words were poison and there was no cure

Him doing something wrong he could deal with, fix and move on

But this picture was one he couldn’t have helped drawn

He learned long ago that your feelings are your own

But she expected to get happiness from somewhere away from home

She has associated him with her unhappiness and there was no separation

It was justified in her mind and it wasn’t open to interpretation

He knew this and didn’t argue or put up much of a fight

Being right wouldn’t change anything or make it alright

“Just let it go” his heart whispers softly to his head

He just frowns disappointed with what she said

His body starts to relax as he lets go of the tension he kept

He lets go of his guilt and he starts to accept

There was nothing he could have done to change the tide

They weren’t rowing in this boat together he was just going for a ride

Before I start, let me say that this applies to the “Good Girl” too.

What is a “Good Guy”?

A good guy is somebody who thinks that if they do good things and treat people well that other people should treat them the same.  Kinda like they have been banking up good guy points to be used whenever they want.  It goes farther than that however.  For instance, a good guy would expect that just because he has feelings for a person, that they should return those feelings just because they have enough points.  The good guy feels entitled to having those feelings returned and is usually upset if they aren’t.  I understand it because I used to think like a good guy until I had a rude awakening.  I felt betrayed, cheated, and robbed of what I thought was mine.  I was very bitter about it until I realized and accepted that I wasn’t owed anything.  When I was born there was no promises made or contracts signed.  I decided to respect the other person’s right to make their own decisions about what they wanted even if it wasn’t what I felt I deserved.  I also asked myself why I was being a “good guy”.  Was it for the points or points or whatever I would gain because of my actions?  No.  Then why?  Because I wanted to.  So at that point I made the decision to be good for no other reason than it was what I wanted to be.  No more judging if it was worth it or if the person deserved me to act a certain way toward them.  I was just gonna be me and I found out that when you have no expectations from your good deeds, things usually work out the way you would want them to.  But when they don’t, you really don’t care.  Good deeds go rewarded.  Maybe not in the way its always expected to or when but it does get rewarded.  I believe in good and bad energy, you get what you put out there and so does everybody else.

How do you see things?

So I’m sitting on the couch getting upset because of the actions of somebody.  And if you know me then you know that I rarely get upset but when I do get upset, a nuclear explosion is eminent!  I was about to open my mouth and erupt when that other more mature side of me took me for a ride up out of my body, through the clouds and into space.  We hovered there and I got “Perspective”.  I saw the situation from the outside in and I just laughed as I understood it all.  I saw all of the pieces on the board and realized how good my position is.  Like a game of chess I saw all of the possible moves I could make.  Me getting mad was like me getting upset because somebody took my pawn when they only have two pieces left on the board and I only lost one piece.  I giggled again at my stupidity.  I end my space voyage and come back to my body and smile knowing that my life is amazing.  Here is where I also made another realization, their life is amazing too so getting mad about their actions was REALLY pointless.  To realize something good about your adversary and to be happy for them is true perspective.

I think alot of us do that, we look at things from on the ground and get mad without looking at the bigger picture.  We only see the person robbing us of $20 without realizing that we own the bank, or that we are both rich, it doesn’t matter.  You give them a few hundred in $20′s and keep walking away smiling.

You deserve all this just because you showed up.
Yep, you’re that monumental.

From White Hot Truth

The Daily Benji:
“Some things you’ll see, some you won’t, but you’ll feel them all”

Outstanding Conversations:  Barb Breaks it Down

That’s the tail end of a conversation that a had with someone a long time ago.  I didn’t understand it at the time but she was 100% right/truthful/correct in her answer to me.  At the time I was a bit disappointed with her answer.  I wanted some big grandiose flood of romantic response but got a small spoonful of blah.  Now that I watch her answer again its got me thinking about where we are taught about love and  get our expectations of it. (Disney love anyway)  Love and loving is like air and breathing.  It’s all natural and like you use your breath to talk, you use your love to love.  And whether they liked it or not, somebody taught you how to love.  Usually you learn it from mom. (not to leave the dads out because I’m one of them but I also know that the bond between mother and child is something we as fathers can only hope to even get close to. sad but its just the way it is)  When you get that motherly love, you feel and learn how to love on a very basic subconscious level.  Its more of a feeling than anything else.  Now I’m probably not the best person to be talking about this because of the way my mom showed me how to love (see Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde) but I like to think that because of my adventures in relearning what love is and how to give it, I’ve got my doctorate in it.

Okay, first thing’s first (what does that even mean? of course the first thing is first, it damn sure ain’t second) lets explore where we consciously learn about love.  We all start off surrounded by it and have endless amounts of it to give.  As babies love is shown without question, reason, or limit.  We feel the love and in turn are inadvertently taught how to express love on a very basic level by the actions we observe. The light bulb flashes on and we get it love = good (or crack).  As we get a little older and less smothered by love, we learn different ways that it can be expressed.  Thanks to Disney/Pixar, Dreamworks, and any other of the companies that churn out kid movies, we start to learn that love should be expressed in certain ways for it to be socially accepted. (the corruption begins)  For example, if a guy loves a girl then he buys her flowers, chocolate or jewelry.  Any child watching this movie has just learned that the expression of love can take the form of material items.  Instead of a rub, kiss on the forehead, or a simple “I love you”, it can be expressed with stuff.  Nothing wrong with that, everybody loves to get gifts.  But what happens is that its continually expressed that way in future movies.  Love can be bought.  Both the little girl and the little boy have just learned a lesson.  Now I don’t blame those companies for popping out movies that reinforce stereotypes and gender roles because the same this is being spoon-fed to adults.  You ever seen a guy in the movies show a girl he loves her by giving her a present?  Or maybe he did something that the girl didn’t like and he buys her some roses or something to say that he is sorry.   We already have enough with TV shows and movies making women seem like cute faces and pretty things are their only interests.  I think its time to keep it real.

We have a lot of misconceptions about love and its our high expectations of love that fall short that are the cause of a lot of pain when real love and fake love meet.  Those expectations instill a love entitlement mentality.  We have seen too many movies where the nerd or social outcast is in love with the head cheerleader or equivalent and we are rooting for him because we think that she should love him.  WHY?  What if she is happy with the jock, the drummer, or somebody on her cheer leading team?  Just because he is head over heels in love with her doesn’t mean that those feelings ought to be returned.  Basically, just because you can love doesn’t mean that somebody has to love you back.  Cruel I know but true.  People who believe that love is deserved have what I call “Happily Ever After” syndrome or HEA (catchy eh?).  HEA is where we want something to happen so bad that it defies reality because it sounds and looks good.  Most people who suffer from HEA want the guy to get the girl.  Why can’t the girl get the girl or the guy get the guy or just be alone?  In our society of “shoulds”, it doesn’t sound right but in the real world, sometimes it works out better that way.

I want to see a movie or kids movie that actually depicts true love.  Not that oooey gooey stuff we see with the soft music.  Real love, the kind that doesn’t care what’s in your bank account, how you look, or what sex you are.  Love that isn’t given just because its been given to.  Love that isn’t returned even though the other person was “perfect”.  Authentic love that’s given to yourself first before anyone else.  Selfish love that is okay no matter what and doesn’t sob in a corner just because it wasn’t loved back the way it wanted.  Real love!   Real love is rare, but when you find it, its stronger, less comfortable, and most importantly enough.

The Stanger

Our eyes caught each other while I write things down

I looked for an expression, a smile, surprise or frown

Even Though I fight it I’m forced to stare again

I really didn’t want to, it wasn’t part of my plan

Again I end up staring, continuing the search for my prize

What could I be searching for deep in her eyes?

For some reason I want to get to know this girl

I hope she notices my stare, comes over and introduces me to her world

I wonder what she’s like, mean, nice or just really shy?

All I can do is sit here writing about her hoping that I catch her eye

It’s weird to want to know this girl without romantic intent

It’s very confusing, perplexing, and paradoxical.  I wish I knew what it meant

I’ve seen this girl many times but only this time up close

But this time, of all her features, I notice her eyes the most

The more I watch the more I learn, the more I learn the more I write

And the cycle repeats, my writing, my thoughts and my glances on a round trip flight

Just about a full page written about this stranger

And I feel nothing for this girl no pain, happiness, or anger

I look a little closer and notice her addictive smile

It feels like I’m writing a paper, a report to file

I check my phone and notices that I’ve been writing for about an hour’s time

This is too much like stalking so this is the last rhyme

Be loving not scared.

1. He’s so gosh darn cute! -  Yea every child is cute (ok, maybe not all of them) especially your own but he has this look about him that is young and youthful and at the same time mature.  Its one of the reasons I’ve always called him my “Little Man.”
2. He tells it how it is! – No matter where we are, no matter the situation, he tell me what he really thinks.  Even if it will get him in trouble, he speaks his mind.  Its very liberating to hear, no apologies for what he is and what he thinks.  If he thinks the sky is purple, then the sky is purple to him.  One time we were doing some grocery shopping and a larger guy walked by.  The little guy saw, formed his opinion and let me know, “That guy has huge belly!  He could eat me and you!”  I argued back whilst trying to quiet him down, “Its not that big, the Hulk is bigger!”  He snapped back, “The Hulk has muscle, that guy has lots of FAT!” (The word “FAT” echoed in the grocery store) “No Aden, that’s not nice!”  he answered “But he IS!”
3. He isn’t scared of anything! – My little guy fears nothing!  He makes me look like a coward by comparison.  He sees a long dangerous patch of ice in our parking lot and decides that running as fast as he can and sliding on his knees is the best thing to do.  Well he misjudged the slide and ended up landing on his butt, cried until I picked him up, and ran to try it again.  He’s gonna be on Jackass one day.
4. He has an amazing imagination! – My baby boy has an imagination that sometimes make me question his sanity.  His solutions are always practical and work, well except for the car made out of chocolate.
5. He asks why. – He thinks critically and if he doesn’t understand something, he will sit there and question you until his thirst for knowledge is quenched or he gets distracted by something loud or shiny (even though it is getting harder these days).  He even makes me question my viewpoint on a few answers.
6. He has a good heart. – He wants to help whenever her can.  He is very generous.  We were at the store one day and he wanted a Hot Wheels car.  I agreed and he grabbed two, when I told him that he could only have one, he said that he wanted to get one for his brother and wouldn’t get one for himself if his brother didn’t get one as well.  I hope that generosity never changes.
7. He is oddly mature. – He instinctively knows what he is too old and too young to do.  While I see this as bad parenting on my part (he should just do what he feels) I am proud that he can figure out the “rules” without having to be taught them.  You gotta know the rules to break them!  Which he does.
8. He knows how to have fun. – I used to be a fun party guy.  I had my Ph D in fun and I taught impromptu classes all the time.  My son has inherited it fully.  I’ve scaled back on it alot but he never passes up the chance to remind me that life is to be enjoyed in every way.
9. He has a great sense of humor. – He can laugh at anything!  And just like a yawn, its contagious and delightfully so.  Just a day ago I was playing a game on my phone and he was watching.  I made a little “pew! pew! pew!”  sound for one of the little guns in it and he thought it was HILARIOUS!!!!  Anytime I did it, he would laugh.  Then he started mocking me and making fun of me for doing it all while laughing uncontrollably.  And as any parent knows, their child’s completely euphoric is intoxicating.  I didn’t think it was that funny when he started making fun of me for it but after few times I found myself and my lady laughing harder than him. (which isn’t easy to do)  Good times!
10. He is himself. – He makes no qualms about being himself.  Whether he is rude or incredibly thoughtful, greedy or generous, being his wild self or behaving nicely.  He knows who he is and doesn’t question or feel bad about it.  If he is mad one second he is ok with that, if he is happy, he doesn’t second guess it or try to hold on to it.  He is very strong when it comes to himself and what he wants.  I have tried to shake him on how he feels about certain things but he is a rock!  If he feels someway about something, that’s it!  This is the trait I pray he keeps as he sails through the storm of adolescence. But if he needs the coast guard, I got him.

Its good to be home.

Southern Exposure (478 photos)
19 March 2010

Albumul poate fi vazut doar online.

My lifelong pet who grew pretty fat through the years

On a diet of worry, uncertainty, and fears

You watch me move toward dreams and aspirations

With a disapproving look, you cause me hesitations

I wish you would just leave and run away

Disappear altogether and become a stray

My actions betray my wishes as I keep your bowl full

I give you what you need, how could you resist that pull

I care for you better than I do for myself

And I keep you on a pedestal, high on the shelf

Because even if you should fall you won’t meet defeat

Everybody knows cats always land on their feet

I tried to lock you out with books with pages of locks

But your ship always comes back in with me sitting on the dock

I tried to fight fire with water so I got a dog, fearless and apathetic

But you turned that Pit into a Poodle with facts and what could happen, pathetic

Assassination was my next plan, you can’t nag if your not alive

But you had too many lives, I gave up around five

So I just decided to give up and not to fight it

I’m still not completely happy, but your going on a diet