Of Things (that better be left) Unsaid!

Of Job-hunts.

2009-01-30T09:17:00.003Z

Making CVs and hunting for jobs is the only time that one is mandatorily made to introspect. What am I? What do I know? What do I know that most others might not know? What skills should I advertise? What should I hide? What insignificant incident can I manipulate and magnify so that I sound brilliant to have done it? How am I better than everyone else out there? This is the sort of introspection that calls for all the vanity one can muster.

And asking those questions, sometimes I've come to undesirably awful answers. In this situation, what does one do? Answer them all and be brutally honest? Or fake it a little, gloss it a little and give them the precise answers they want to listen to? Any person, who had to do as extensive a job search, will agree that the second option is the way to go. My only problem being, in this crunched, cramped and unemplolyed economy, everyone is writing the same old faff. How do I make my gloss glossier is the question?

Oh, well! I hope I overcome the recession without depression (pun intended).

Of Jumping Blogs.

2009-01-24T16:36:00.005Z

I started a new blog with the same name! Can anyone believe it!?! Call me crazy. Call me weird. I needed a change of some sort. Let's just say that a change was in the offing and this was the best I could came up with! So, I moved here sometime back. It's no different from here, but it feels a lot tidier, and most importantly, it feels new, that's all mattered. I enjoy rambling there just as much. Let me say this before you assume otherwise, I am not abandoning this blog. I just want an alternative address for some more blabbering, that's all.

Hope to see you at both places.

Love and warmth,
The Solitary Dreamer.

Of Nightingales and Norah.

2008-12-23T16:44:00.006Z

Nightingale
Sing us a song
Of a love that once belonged
Nightingale
Tell me your tale
Was your journey far too long?

Does it seem like I'm looking for an answer
To a question I can't ask
I don't know which way the feather falls
Or if I should blow it to the left

All the voices that are spinnin' around me
Trying to tell me what to say
Can I fly right behind you
And you can take me away

--Norah Jones

I've come to regard these lyrics as a definition for my life in general.

Looking forward to watching "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist", which is releasing soon at a theatre near me. :)

Of Marriage And More.

2008-11-15T16:05:00.002Z

Thoughts...
...

...

...

Married. Nothing more, nothing less.

...

Carved dreams of togetherness and life.

...

Of passionate disagreements and involvements.

...

Tenets of understatement and understanding.

...

Shared sense of belonging and acceptance.

...

Of forthright judgements and unquestioned rights.

...

Exasperated expectations wild and convoluted comprehensions of us.

...

Desperate cry for insatiable intimacy.

...

Letting go of common sense to avoid hurtful people running scott free.

...

Of illusions and reality.

...

...

...

Notes Of A Bride-To-Be. #1

2008-09-20T07:09:00.000+01:00

Meetu gave her way-to-go-about-looking-for-a-mate mantra.

“Judge how much you’d have to change for this person.”

Following had been my selection criteria and it can be different for different people, but I have a feeling that the more intellectually inclined people will understand what I'm saying here (or so I would like to think). :D

I was looking for "THE GUY", not the "The Right Guy" because there IS no such thing. This was my marking system, a system where you will never get a full 100%... (let me stress again) because there is not such a thing as the "The Right Guy":

a) Talk it out and see if and how the guy fits into what you want for your future. If he wants the same/similar things... 10 points scored!

b) Try and see if you can identify where the guy is coming from. Let me explain; I strongly believe that where, how, and what of a person's background affect who the person is today. If you can do some digging and find the origin... 10 more points scored!

c) See if both of you "like" (not necessarily love) to do the same things in your free time (coz you'll be spending most of your free-time with your significant other). If you can find atleast 2-3 things that match... 10 points again!

d) See what the guy likes and you completely dislike. If it's not more than 2 things... 10 more points!
(thats where Meetu's mantra comes in, coz this is prolly how much you will have to change)

e) Meet him under different conditions, for example, meet him where he is in his comfort zone, meet him outside his comfort zone and again in a neutral zone. This will give you a fair idea if the guy is really what he says he is. If he is almost the same under all those different situations, he most likely isn't faking it. 10 more points!

f) Meet his family. If you like the family, 10 points!

g) If you can have long conversations with him without "much" effort. 10 points again!

After all is said and done, 70% is a good enough score for you to jump into marriage. And I use the word "jump" because you will never be ready for marriage until you actually jump into it. At least I am unaware of any person who was "ready"!

I intend to continue this with more of my notes... because life continues after the JUMP and brings with a lot of surprises! Trust me! :D

Single

2008-09-19T12:09:00.001+01:00

I'm almost single!

I'm getting married in less than 2 months. My fiance is in another country. So, this is the closest I'm ever going to be to being single. Now the question is, after all the hoopla about why-can't-I-find-someone-special?... do I really want to be single?

Hmmmnn...

Just the transition between single to married is a curious phase. And anyone who knows me will know that I am more fond of the (*high energy*)transition states than I am of the two extreme ends (assuming there are only two ends (just to make life simple) on either side)... and this time is no different. As much as I want to get married, I also want to stay single!

To many more irrational "happy" transitions!

Of Anything But Ordinary.

2008-08-30T14:08:00.002+01:00

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

Let down your defences
Use no common sense
If you look you will see
that this world is a beautiful
accident, turibulent, succulent
opulent permanent, no way
I wanna taste it
Don't wanna waste it away

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby

Is it enough?
Is it enough?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Is it enough?
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.
oh
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

--

Anything But Ordinary by Avril Lavigne

Of Things.

2008-08-30T07:49:00.008+01:00

It's not like I haven't written anything this month. It just happened that this month has seen the maximum number of unpublished posts. I have 5 drafts on relatively important issues but I haven't the will or the courage (?) to post them here. I'm not sure if I'm an example of a private person, but lately I've raised my guards. Knowingly I've kept (almost) everyone out.

The reason, you ask me, well, haven't you read that I've become private?!

Hmmn, so I don't really know the point to this post. I want to ramble on, about nothing in particular (like always)... but words evade me (like always)...

Has someone already said it better than me? (like always)...

I am the one winged bird for flying
Sinking quickly to the ground
See your faith in me subsiding
See you prime for giving in
I give you all that I am

----

Life. I wonder what it is?
I wonder why I'm made to live by the rules?
I wonder if I'm capable of breaking the rules?
I wonder if I can survive after breaking the rules?
I find myself in a place and time in my life where I want to thrash all the Right-things-to-do and rebel, point blank, irrespective of whether I like it or not. Simply put I desperately want to go on a wrong-doing spree! I'm so full of myself and yet I can't figure out WHY? The answer eludes me.

Life happens. Then why have things ceased to happen in my life? I'm living a string of melancholic days and these force me to rethink my strategies and plans.

Isn't life just another term that has become so redundant that it has lost all it's meaning?

I'm sure now that I hate sitting idle. I need to work. I need to have things on my mind to lead a normal life. I need something to keep me occupied so that I can feel like I belong somewhere.

I am the white dove for a soldier
Ever marching as to war
I would give my life to save you
I stand guarding at your door
I give you all that I am

----

"Another one bites the dust", one of my UK friends said, she wants to get married too, you know :). This really has been a year of marriages for a lot of "my" people.

My school best-friend is getting engaged tomorrow and I am so happy for her.

Life is changing for us (for the better)... and I'm enjoying that we are going through it together.m We can actually exchange notes. We've both been hopeless with men so far and then we found our respective fiances. It's an exciting time in our lives. It's assuring to know someone else also understands exactly just how happy you are, how jittery you get, how nervous you feel, how cheerful you can be, how much love you can suddenly feel for a till-now-unknown human being, how grown-up you become, how you willfully change, how you can sway between extreme happiness and sadness in a span of a couple of hours, and finally, know how lucky you've been! It's amazing.

I am the sound of love's arriving
Echoed softly on the sand
Lay your head
upon my shoulder
Lay your hand within my hand
I give you all that I am

----

I am the one winged bird for flying
Sinking quickly to the ground
I am
the blind man for a watchdog
I am prime for giving in
I'll show you all that I am

And I breathe so you breathe
Let me stand so you'll stand
With all that I am

----

Interspersed lyrics from Rob Thomas' song, "All That I Am".

Of Singin' And Dancin' In The Rain.

2008-07-30T17:14:00.001+01:00

Of How Random People Waste Their Time.

2008-07-21T06:36:00.008+01:00

Remember when Joey used the thesaurus for every word in a letter of recommendation for Monica and Chandler as good adoptive parents?!
I received a private message on Orkut from a random visitor, who according to me did a Joey there or is probably doing a bad job of using his newly learnt GRE vocabulary!

Here is the prolix prose of this (un)prolific person:

Read your profile and developed a torrid desire to become friend of yours, if your volition is involved in it. I m soliciting in front of you for your friendship.

Yes we are arrant aliens and I presage that your friendship will be salutary for me and it will be a source of entrenchment for me. I have a fervent desire to be comrade of yours.

It will provide delectation and exhilaration to me in inordinate amount.

Don't take it as an act of blandishment. There is no casuistry and skulduggery involved in this message.

Wheedling in front of such a complaisant and suggestible person like you to become my friend, will be very much tawdry.

Ask me anything in your candour and I will give you reply in all my somberness.

Give me one chance and it won't be untoward and dolorous for you.

Do take your own time and there is no exigency from my side. You can rebuff this plea if it is not assimilated by you.

I must ask for amnesty if you don't like my way of approaching you as a friend and if the above way turned out to be lumbering and ungainly for you, give me retort only if your visceral reactions and self-assurance permit you.

Don't give me any ripostes if you presage that my opinions are of emphatic and dogmatic nature and if it fails to reach a convenant.

You can repeal and execrate this request anytime if you are not filliped by my verve of asking you for friendship and if it has turned out be a repellant stuff for you.

Sorry if you felt mortified after reading this message of mine and if it is baleful for you.

Take great care.

If this greatly interests you, then you can find more about him by reading this:

Before some time, I was very petrified about my "Nemesis" and was very indolent. Now I have turned out to be a "Nihilist" one. I hate the spread eagles, spurious, capricious and uncouth ones who harbour parochial and insular views. I can't rivulet ludicrous, claptrap excuses and thats why being termed as "petulant" and "tantrum" one as I expostulate a lot with orthodox ones and I hate their nonchalant shrugs. Usually I don't listen to anyone and insanely remain engaged in only such activities, which my soul permits me to do, and I expatiate upon all the inclinations of mine, and therefore always remain alive in my figmentations. I do have "IDEE FIXE" in accomplishing the activies independenly choosen by me and feeling neophyte all the times while cracking the codes. Thats why I have always been a very fastidious one. This is only the biggest sooth of my life. Whatever I do whether it is love,hate, respect or flirt, I do it in a very candid and sincere fashion by putting my every tooth and nail into all the above mentioned colossal acts to make them pristine and virtuous. Very impragmatic and placid for my loved ones, and very belligerent & snappish for my enemies and snooty ones. I m an authoritarian, martinet, recalcitrant, intractable and a pure rebellion against any perverse acts around me. I can't live without my dear ones and always remain entangled with those for whom I m a "blue eyed one" so as to make blissful moments and "Nirvana" in my life. Relish fast driving, fun on the run, obsessesion with movie making and luv to help poverished ones r among by bad habits. Monomaniac with respect to commiting outrageous things and at the same time can't accept substandard stuff and keep on surpassing tortuous blocks , though remaining embroiled most of the times as I suffer from hysteria thats why I get placcable with least efforts. I enjoy my "vagabond" cum "juvenile" image nicely. May God saves Libid ones from me. At the same time I always respect "army ones", because with the blessings of them only, we r alive.

I always try to create exultation and ecstacy in exiguous amount for my loved ones.

In addition to the above, I m known for my "Cacography". I m a "Lameduck" in this facet.

Ahem!... Hope you've had much fun reading this...
Cheers!

Puss in Boots.

2008-06-24T10:50:00.004+01:00

We met entirely by chance. And he burrowed into my life so unobtrusively that I find it hard to believe he hadn't always been there. Our story has only just begun...

Once upon a time, a very long time ago, there lived a poor miller with three sons. When the miller died he left his mill to his oldest son and the mule to his second son. He left his third son his cat.

But this was an unusual cat, because this cat could speak! "If you will make me a pair of boots we will always have good luck," the cat said. The boots were made and then, as if by magic, a whole set of clothes appeared! There were velvet trousers, a silk shirt, a fine red jacket, a sword and a large hat with a very beautiful feather. Dressed in his new clothes, the cat looked quite splendid.

He set off for the royal palace with a large fat rabbit which he had caught. " My master, the Marquis of Carabas, sends you this gift," he said proudly, as he bowed deeply.

He took a new gift every day, and the king was pleased with tht presents. He pretended that he had heard of the Marquis. But, of course the cat had just made up that name!

One day, Puss in Boots heard that the king and his daughter were going to the river. "Go down to the river to swim," he told his master, "and stay there until I call you."

The young man went into the water, and Puss hid his ragged clothes. Soon the king came by, and Puss called out, "Help! Help! The Marquis of Carabas is drowning!"

The king's footmen helped the young man out and the cunning Puss said that Marquis' clothes had been stolen while he was swimming! Immediately the king ordered some fine clothes to be brought from the palace for the young man.

The miller's son looked very handsome in his new clothes, and the king's daughter fell in love with him. They went together to the palace.

Puss ran ahead of the carriage, and asked all the people in the countryside to tell the king that the land belonged to the Marquis of Carabas, and that he was a good master.

When the king heard all they said about the Marquis of Carabas he was very impressed. He liked the young man very much, and thought that he would make an excellent husband for the princess.

Puss in Boots was still busy with his cunning plans! He came to the large castle which was the home of a giant who had great powers of magic. Puss ran up to the great doors and told the servants that he had a message from the Marquis of Carabas.

He made his master sound very important, and the servants led him through the dark dusty rooms to the giant's door.

At last he was face to face with the giant.

"I have heard of your magic powers," said the Puss, with a grand flourish of his hat, "and I have travelled far to see them for myself. Can you really change yourself into whatever you wish? Could you become a mule, or an elephant, or a fierce lion?"
"Indeed I can," thundered the huge giant.
"I can turn into any creature I wish to."

And quick as a flash, he became a mule, and an elephant, and then a fierce growling lion.

"How wonderful!" said Puss. "I see you have truly amazing powesr. You have shown me how large and ferocious you can be. But is it possible for a big fellow like you to become as small as a mouse?"

"That is much more difficult," said the giant, "but I can do it."

He closed his eyes, and concentrated very hard. Then, suddenly, he became a small brown mouse scampering about the room.

This was all that Puss wanted. With one quick stroke he pounced on the mouse and killed it! The wicked giant was dead, and the sun shone again through the dark and dreary castle.

Puss ran to the door of the castle just as the king's carriage came rumbling by. The king and his daughter and the miller's son were riding in it.

"Welcome!" called Puss. "Welcome to the castle of the Marquis of Carabas."

They all went in, and a fine feast awaited them. After dining the miller's son and the princess told the king that they loved each other and they wanted to be married.

The king was delighted, and everyone in the kingdomwas invited to the wedding. There was great joy and feasting throughout the land.

Puss in Boots, a very special guest, indeed, looked grand in his fine clothes.

Only the miller's son knew that all his good fortune was due to Puss in Boots, and he was grateful to him forever.

The miller's youngest son would never be poor again, and he and the princess and their faithful friend, Puss in Boots, all lived happily ever after.

...but this is not our story. I mean, we are going to have a happily-ever-after, just that this isn't our story. This is Charles Perrault's story, and this is my way of acknowledging his great contribution to our story.

*Blush*

Contemplating The Changes.

2008-06-20T11:00:00.003+01:00

Looking back on the year that was, a good year? Can't make up my mind. I would've labelled it one of the crappiest years ever... except June.
Everything changed in June.
All questions of cosmic magnitude resolved with a plain and simple "yes".
(Who would've thought that answer to the ultimate question was not really 42, it was "yes"!?!)

I've gone from lost to found!
From None to N!
From single to engaged!
From PhD to job!
From USA to UK!
From sad to happy! (literally!)

Life should look a lot more complex looking at the changes. Suprisingly it does not. Probably because I still haven't really digested the magnanimity of it all? Probably I'm too happy to look at the lows? Probably I'm still lingering in my perpetually confused state of mind?
No! I haven't been saner in making a decision, or faster, or more sure, or never ever has a decision felt so right.

I'm happy and that is all that matters anyways :D

Looking back some years from today, I will reminisce with N sitting by my side, how stupendiferous 2008 had been for us!
I will not remember this as a bad year, ever!

To many, happy changes! Cheers!

Of Reasons To Avoid Cooking.

2008-06-18T04:29:00.002+01:00

All grad-students at some time or the other face the cooking burn-out.

I was brainstorming the highest used reasons for eating out:
(List not jotted down with respect to preference or the frequency)

"Too much work" ('tis never really so)

"No decision on WHO should cook"

"All tv-meals are already consumed"

"No food at all" (that's like the most valid reason)

"No breakfast cereal left" ('cause breakfast cereal make for excellent, healthy lunches and dinners!)

"Too bored to cook today"

"I've had a brilliant day at work, let's celebrate!"

"My advisor was pissed with me, I need some cheering!"

"Don't know what to cook?!"

"I'm in a mood to cook something exotic, I wish I had the ingredients..."

"Life is a bitch and she just had babies, all bitches!"

"There is a new place that opened in town, let's check it out!"

Can't think of anymore reasons right now. But I'm sure there are many, many, many more... and I will keep adding to this space. :)

Happy Cooking Everyone! :D

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

2008-06-18T04:24:00.001+01:00

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

2008-06-09T15:59:00.004+01:00

Bubbly - Colbie Caillat

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

They start in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under covers staying dry and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

They start in my toes
Make me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

What am I going to say
When you make me feel this way?
I just, mmmmm

And they start in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

I've been asleep for a while now
You tuck me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

And it starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feeling shows
'cause you make me smile baby
Just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Wherever wherever wherever you go
Wherever wherever wherever you go

wherever you go
I always know
'Cause you make me smile
Even just for a while

---

:)

N

2008-06-04T05:01:00.004+01:00

You are not the second, third, fourth or fifth thing on my mind when I wake up. You are the only thing on my mind. You and me. Us. I am trying to comprehend the drastic changes that've happened in my life in the last week and a half. Everything seems so surreal, like it's not really happening to me. And I still wonder how you happened to me. I'm glad you happened to me.

I haven't been this happy in a while. Thank you.

To New Beginnings.

2008-06-01T06:02:00.002+01:00

Like always, something I read sums up pretty much all that I want to say right now.

We wait for the perfect thing to happen. To meet the perfect person. To land the
perfect job. To wake up one day to that perfect figure.

But maybe perfect things don’t exist. All we get is a chance to choose, what imperfections we live with.

:)
:D
:)

Crossroads.

2008-05-25T06:03:00.004+01:00

Standing at the crossroads not for the first time in my life. While the clueless, spirit dampening insecurities I face for the first time in my life, I ask myself again, repeatedly, Am I too scared to take risks? Am I not worthy of the future I seek? My heart tumultuous, plays tricks with my confused, worried, harried mind. My brain tirades endlessly. Doubts about a wrong decision, wrong timing, wrong person swarm the remains of my once sane and safe territories of life. Ideas about my future are foggy, almost fiendishly so. In the eerie wastelands of this thing I call my life, a lot of doors have shut with an utter refusal by the new ones to open up for me. What do I do? continue looking for new doors and open them myself, or just look for a window?

My Morrie.

2008-05-22T12:34:00.003+01:00

The story said that the heavens cry with you when a loved soul departs this world.

Nice story.

"Right, then hardly any African or for that matter Indian souls were ever loved! Bloody the countries live in continuous state of droughts."

I take back my words.

The 13th day of mourning my Morrie. The day the soul departs the realms of this world and enters heaven. The day you say your final goodbyes...

... it rained!

Mourning My Morrie.

2008-05-10T20:33:00.004+01:00

They did not call me to come to the hospital in the morning. I thought they had a replacement and I would probably be needed in the evening. Ma and Pa came back and just as we were getting ready to go meet him, Pa's cell-phone rang. It was from his cell-phone. I did not have to hear anything after that. I knew. It felt like a lightening had struck me. I felt numb and then tears ran uncontrollably.

I was flustered.

For a long time I sat outside his house waiting for them to get his body, all the time wishing I had known yesterday that that would be last time I ever spoke to him. They knew it in the morning, but she could not make herself to call me and tell me the bad news. Everyone thought I am too young to watch him die. In a way I agree with them. Now I will only have happy memories of him. They saved me his trauma.

He looked peaceful today, as if he was meditating as usual, as if he was sleeping and dreaming of something beautiful.

It felt surreal looking at him like that. He seemed a different person. For me, it wasn't my Morrie lying there, I wasn't saying goodbye to him. The goodbyes were for someone who resembled him, that's all.

I keep visualizing him in his white kurta-pajama and blue bata slippers coming down the stairs, seating himself on the sofa and asking me, "Kay mag, sadhya kay navin challay?"
He was the only person who could understand and speak my tongue. I still need him. I hope he knew.

It's weird talking about him in the past tense.

I am happy that he is free. I don't know what happens after death, if the soul is reincarnated, if there is heaven?! But I am sure of this, whereever that is, he has gone to a far better place. His soul will rest in peace.

I do believe it's true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
(Death Cab for Cutie)

Of Memories With My Morrie. #3

2008-05-09T19:06:00.003+01:00

I sit and stare at him all day. That's pretty much all that anyone can do at this time.
He moves. He tries to make sounds that finally die away in painful moans. His lips are dry, he cannot speak properly. All the time he's awake, it seems that he is thinking. Seems he wants to say something but somehow words evade him. These days words shy away from everyone else around him. Seems like what needs to be said doesn't need the help of words.
A silent encouraging smile, a gentle caress, a warm slight pat on the shoulder, a sad look, a tearful eye sums up most conversations I have with my Morrie. Sometimes all he does is try and recognize people that come to visit. He looks hard at them, I think he tries to focus his vision and then says the name of the person looking down on him with sorrowful and sometimes pitiful eyes. (I personally hate all those with the pitiful looks!) I wonder how important recognition is in terms of defining his cognition of other matters?
There are times when he says absurd things. Today he wanted to tell me F2's name (?!), said he wanted to meet Dinkar Gangal (none of us have ever heard of this person), wanted to exchange gas cylinders with Reliance Power (now there's a thought!). You know, how does one define cognition, coherence of thought with recognition of people?! I think people like to please themselves by the knowledge that he still remembers them.

Seeing him today, the number of bed-sores and bruises on his body, the morphine patch, the butterfly with needles stuck in him, the saline bottle (the only thing that's keeping him alive) made me want him to pass away now. I might sound like the most wicked person that ever walked this planet, but it's far better than seeing him go through all the hurt and pain. I was holding his hand and caressing it today when I saw how different they looked; his looked deathly pale yellow and mine pink. I thought it was like comparing the hands of death with life. When I realized this I felt his hands warm in my hands and that warmth comforted me. The thought that he is still breathing makes me feel better. I know I am being selfish feeling that, but I don't want it any other way.

I don't cry anymore. I don't see the point. It's fate. I agree with him now, what is meant to happen will happen. He said another thing some days back, when he could still speak a little, he said, "I still want to do so many things, but now I've realized that life doesn't work that way; we don't live to do things. We live, therefore we do things." For me, that was a profound lesson and after that day, I had taken it to be his last lesson.
I was wrong. I was terribly, horribly wrong. His final lesson is a prolonged session of understanding death, of accepting it gracefully, of facing it as if it were life and most importantly, it is a lesson in letting go. "Letting go of the carnal pleasures", he had said, "is the most difficult thing. You cannot leave your flesh and body that have defined *you* since the day you came into existence."
What I've taken from this is that memory stays and I am bent on making every last minute with him as memorable as the all the other happy times we've had!

My Morrie wanted to do a champagne party on his and my parents' 25th wedding anniversary. They had planned on doing the Europe tour, leave a day before his anniversary and come back a day after my parents'. Go to the Jules Verne on the Tour Eiffel and open a bottle of Champagne overlooking the most romantic city in the world. His wedding anniversary is on this 15th and I'm praying to God that he stays until after 15th or he goes before that (my concerns are now mainly for his wife).

Of Memories With My Morrie. #2

2008-05-04T19:01:00.003+01:00

I used to go to the hospital every alternate day, sometimes less often. Now I go there everyday. Everyday counts. Everyday is important. He wants to see me everyday. "There is so much I want to say to you", he said. No tears came to his eyes. There is no water left in his body. But for the first time, after a long time, I did not stop my tears. I let them flow, unhindered...
He said, "You cannot cry. I thought you were on a different level than everyone else. I know you are stronger than that." I wish I could explain to him that I wasn't different at all. I was a selfish little girl who did not want her Uncle to go off to Neverland. That him leaving like that was going to affect her more than he knew. She wanted him to stay for her sake, so that he could tell her stories of far off lands, of a prince who would one day sweep her off her feet and take her away, of fairies who looked after her, of giants that he would fight to keep her safe. She is selfish. Very selfish. She wants him to stay at any cost. And she refuses to understand the pains he would have to endure to make her wishes come true.

In his efforts to make me understand he spilled his secret. He was giving me hints before, but I only accepted the facts when he told me in so many words. The doctors think that any treatment will have only two effects; maintain status quo or further deterioration of his system.
He had already made his choice. He wasn't going to take any treatments. I suppose he is more in touch with his insides than most people, he knows best. Besides there was the question, "Do I wither up and disappear or do I make the most of my time left?" He does not have time, he was not waiting for answers. He already knew the answer. His relatives have started pouring in and I now realize how loved he is and how love matters more than anything.

This year he celebrates 25 years of his marriage. He said, "25 well-lived, happy, and satisfied years are far better than 50 spent fighting and bickering". "Besides one keeps repeating similar motions for the rest of one's life anyways. The 80/20 principle: Only 20% of your activities are responsible for 80% of productive work." He said he has lived a full life and he would not want it any other way. He has no regrets and he is proud of that fact. I know how loved he is and somehow knowing all this, I find acceptance of facts easier...
Acceptance is easy, letting go is not.

Of Memories With My Morrie. #1

2008-05-02T12:00:00.003+01:00

He is not Morrie. Morrie was old, he is not! And it's terribly hard for me to accept Morrie's fate as his fate. I refuse to! He is someone who means a lot to me, Morrie meant a story.

I realized for the very first time the FACT that he is *my* Morrie.

My Morrie says, "Separate your FACTS from EMOTIONS; Facts + Emotions = Fiction. If you can't do that, you cannot get results."
He explained this to me, his voice reduced almost to a squeak, his hands swollen, on the side, his jaundiced face and eyes, desperately looking at me, trying to keep them open so that he could talk to me. The man was frozen inside his own flesh.

And, like a fool I could not comprehend what he was saying. I felt like a wretched being who was making him go through hell to explain this simple Fact.

My Morrie began teaching me his lessons a very long time ago. I met him for the first time in the summer of 1990 and now, sadly, I see the lessons coming to an end. It has been more than 18 years of teaching, teaching and discussing, dicussing and arguing, arguing and accepting and then be done with the topic (...only till sometime later. I want there to many laters. Many many more laters). Discussing inane matters is always fun with him. I learnt to talk about philosophy like a grown-up from him. He questioned me, grilled me to no end. He made me read books, gave me examples from my life, he explained away and I enjoyed listening to him irrespective of whether or not I understood what he was talking about. I know no-one else understood us. I don't suppose anyone was as foolish as the two of us, our philosphical pair.
He has understood me more than any living mortal can ever boast of and he has influenced me in more ways than I can think of en ce moment. He has been a part of all the major decisions I have taken in my life and wanted it to stay that way...

I am writing this series to chronicle the final lessons he is teaching me, so that I won't forget anything. Anything and everything he says to me from now will be his last words to me. Immensely precious.

Of Shakespeare And Ghalib.

2008-04-30T05:36:00.006+01:00

Tough luck, trying times and interrogating my existence, I turn to literature and poetry looking for comfort and sound reflection. Someone has always said what needs to be said and said it better than I ever can.

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to - 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd; To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life,
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of dispriz'd love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn away,
And lose the name of action.

Na tha kuchh toh khuda tha, kuchh na hota toh khuda hota
duboya mujhko hone ne, na hota main toh kya hota?

If Only I Had Only One Wish...

2008-04-26T06:14:00.002+01:00

would life loose colour?

If only I had only one wish...

would the charm of it linger?

If only I had only one wish...

would it be enough to last a lifetime?

If only I had only one wish...

would I never wish again?

If only I had only one wish...